Redux: "Raise Hell" by Dorothy

I do not like to repeat songs on this blog. That being said, I will make exceptions for certain songs, especially if I have something to add to the conversation. For example, "Six Feet Under" by No Doubt is my official birthday song and it may show up in July multiple times over the years. "Raise Hell" by Dorothy is now my official Thanksgiving song, solely because the video takes place during Thanksgiving. However illogical it may be, I don't think I need any more reason than that. My only theory about this video is the family in the video is definitely her real family. After watching the video a couple of times, the resemblance between Dorothy and her mother is unmistakable. That is definitely what Dorothy is going to look like when she's older. The blonde woman is clearly her sister - the snottiness of taking the wine away was too natural. The chemistry between the ensemble as a whole is free-flowing. You can tell these people are maybe just a little bit too comfortable being weird around each other. That's when you realize - Dorothy's family is way cooler than you'll ever be.

On a serious note, being a rock star (or any type of creative) is not the conventional path to go down in life. A lot of families would not be supportive of that choice and even if they seem supportive, most would probably not agree to be in a video where they're acting like fools. A video that will live forever on YouTube. But that's the message of the video - Dorothy is the Black Sheep in a family that would prefer to pretend they are "normal." Then she literally flips the table on them and awakens a wildness which is inherent in all of them, but fully embodied in Dorothy. Authenticity, as a principle, requires you to be your true, honest self, even when it makes your loved ones (like family) uncomfortable. It dares you to demand being heard when others would prefer your silence. But this is self-betrayal. And the ones who matter will not want you to do it, will not force you to conform to narrow roles to make their lives feel safer.

Young blood, stand and deliver

No need for a queen affair

Young blood, gotta pull the trigger

When the whole world running scared

This week, there was a controversy on Twitter where some woman commented that "Friends-giving" is more popular than actual Thanksgiving and how sad that is for society because we've lost our focus on the family. This POV is extremely privileged and narrow-minded, as plenty of people pointed out. Friends-giving is something that became popular in the LGBT community because many LGBT people were ostracized from their biological families but didn't want to lose their traditions. In recent years, Friends-giving has been gaining more traction because people my age have had to move far away from their actual families in order to find decent-paying jobs. Speaking from experience, it's not always easy to take off work and spend the money to visit family - my closest family (my sister-in-law) lives over 5 hours away and visiting my parents requires a good 14-hour drive (and that's mostly spent just trying to get out of Texas). It's even worse for my older sister, who has lived on the East Coast for the last decade when the majority of our family lives in the Southwest. For someone as social as she is, Friends-giving allows her to feel connected to a family of sorts, even if they aren't biological. And I guess that's the core of it - friends are the family you get to choose.

I follow Dr. Nicole LePera on Instragram (handle @theholisticpsychologist) and she recently posted an infographic which stated the following wisdom - the longevity of a relationship is not relevant to the health of a relationship or the depth of the connection. That's a falsehood we cling to, thinking that the length of time we've known someone is an essential factor for decisions related to the relationship. There are people who have stayed in toxic relationships for 30+ years and society lauded them for it, even though it was slowly destroying them. People will visit abusive family members every year for the sake of keeping the peace, sacrificing their well-being to avoid criticism. Meanwhile, you can meet someone and instantly know it's a meaningful connection, and yet society devalues it because it's short-lived. I've been lucky enough to have had my fair share of these meaningful connections, mostly at times when I needed them the most. Yesterday, I was talking to a coworker/friend about a problem I've been having and, though our relationship is mostly a professional one, I found that I was incredibly grateful he was open enough to share his experience and listen to mine. And this year, that's what I'm most grateful for - the connections (friends, family, coworkers), both past and present, who have allowed me to become who I am now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Raise Hell" Video

"Giver" by K.Flay

My son and I love K.Flay. She's one of the only artists he knows by name - every time one of her music videos comes on, he gets all excited and shouts "It's K.Flay." I feel that way, too, baby. Based on her music, I feel like we've had similar life experiences. She's a fellow Cancer and she also majored in Psychology during university, which explains the introspective nature of a lot of her lyrics. This particular song came up in my playlist and it's had me thinking a lot lately. I don't know why I listen to music that makes me ruminate so hard on my existence. It just happens.

"Giver" is about that phase after what could be loosely termed a "spiritual awakening" (or a Dark Night of the Soul, more like....been through plenty of those), where you realize you've got to be different in some way. You've got to be better, or else you won't survive. But there's an insecurity that comes along with it, that you don't know how to be, that you're just going to fuck it up and it's not even worth trying. Maybe you treated others pretty shitty in the past. Or - just as bad - you've been selling yourself short. You start questioning your intentions, especially when you're trying to "make good" by being a kinder, more generous version of yourself. Or you have to fight falling back into old submissive patterns when you assert your needs and boundaries, because you immediately get pushback from those who were taking advantage of you. That's okay - keep going. That means the change is truly taking root. Because if you can't acknowledge that you were different in the past, have you really evolved? Maybe it's because of the experiences I've had, but I can always tell when someone is changing their behavior as a manipulation tactic. Perhaps it's because they become defensive when you point out their past bad behavior. If the shift was genuine, they'd be able to acknowledge and apologize for how they acted or the things they've said before. Otherwise, it's just gaslighting.

I'm learning to live

I'm trying to be better

I'm learning to give

But I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I got so much soul in my body

But no one keeping me honest

And whole days turn into holes in my mind

I got high hopes lots of potential

I'm high, broke, searching for symbols

And I will not let go of what is mine

This song, in particular, recently got under my skin because of something a tarot reader/social worker/counselor I follow on Twitter/Instagram, Jessica Dore, wrote for one of her daily draws. It was about gift giving as manipulation. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable with receiving gifts, because they always seemed to come with strings attached. As a result, I've always been fairly self-sufficient. If I want something, and I can afford it, I buy it. I don't need anyone to buy me anything and that's how I assert my freedom. No one owns me. And then it occurs to me - maybe the mere fact that I don't want to be owned means I can't be.

So what happens when you realize that you want gifts from certain people - especially people you feel you give a lot of time, energy, and care to - and you don't get them? I find myself saying "It's fine" a lot. And then I wonder if it's maybe my own fault - I've pretended that I'm this low-maintenance person who doesn't need or want to be spoiled for so long, people actually believed me? But asking for what I want feels burdensome and I fear that being honest about what I want will cause people to abandon me. (That's where the insecurity comes in.) Then I'm surprised when I feel depleted and resentful, because I'm still over-giving in hope that I receive a little bit in return, but it doesn't work that way. I would argue I have the opposite problem of K.Flay - I know how to give, I just don't know how to receive.

But that's part of the enlightenment and recovery. Realizing the person you pretended to be isn't who you are and navigating the obstacles you face trying to embody your authentic self. The scary thing, though, is that you will lose things along the way. Friends, lovers, addictions, coping methods, parts of your personality that you believed were "you" for so long. It's a shedding of everything that doesn't work anymore, if it ever really worked at all. The only thing to do is just trying to be that best version of yourself every day. Like K.Flay says in the song, you can't let go of what is yours.

"Giver" Video