On Repeat: "I Want You" by Steven Sanchez

I mentioned in my last post I've been listening to Steven Sanchez on repeat, so I thought I would share one of his songs. I first discovered Steven Sanchez when I heard a snippet of "Until I Found You" on the radio, which I rarely listen to - I think what happened is I was unplugging my phone from the car. I fell in love with his voice. He sounds, to me, like an old-school rock & roll musician, in the vein of Frankie Valli, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and maybe even a little bit of Elvis (when he was first starting). I'm sure if I looked up Sanchez' biography, I would even find those names in his list of influences. As I said, I love his voice. Some people love basses and baritones, but I'm finding I'm a connoisseur of tenors. There's something sweet and sorrowful, poetic and romantic about his music, and that's what makes him one of my favorite new artists.

They say the veil is thinnest on All Hallow's Eve. That's true - but what people don't realize is that it's not just spirits that come through. It's everything you've been hiding, suppressing, repressing, and keeping in the dark that also comes up for air. Being a water sign, Scorpio is deeply entwined with emotions, especially the effect they have on our psychology and our subconscious desires. You would think the Moon would be happy in Scorpio, but it's not. The Moon is in its Fall in Scorpio, meaning emotions don't flow as freely as they might in Cancer or Pisces, or be expressed as elegantly as they might in Taurus. But Scorpio Moons do feel deeply, possibly more deeply and intensely than any other sign...but they'll never let you know that (because they fear it's a weakness, a chink in their impenetrable armor). Being a Fixed sign, Scorpio tends to hold on to things, long after they're useful or even healthy. Halloween becomes an opportunity for these difficult emotions to be purged, which is why these things come up. They'll come out eventually, and often not in the way we'd expect or intend.

I've been oversleeping so much that I've been bored of dreaming

And just wake up, not next to you

In this paper town where I live, boxes pass along and I wish

That I was sitting in one with you

With you

I've been hesitant to share this song, even though I've been enjoying it for over half a year. It never fails to make me cry and music like that feels incredibly personal and vulnerable to share. Because if you ask anyone who knows me, I don't cry. At least, they've never seen me cry. Apparently, 'stoic' is a word a lot of people would use to describe me. And that may be true. I'm not completely emotionless - others would say I tend to "broadcast" my thoughts with my facial expressions (that's the Gemini Rising), which I like to think makes me a fun conversationalist - but I do tend to keep a lot of things private. And while on the surface, this seems like a sweet, romantic, old-fashioned song, it uncovers a deep inner wounding for me around abandonment, rejection, worthiness, not belonging, and not being chosen. As much as I try to work on these things, there are some songs that always peel back another layer, leaving me feeling raw and broken.

You've been overthinking so much, the traffic in your head

Oh, they rush at the thought of someone new

Laurеn, why can't you accept it?

I love you and I'm not pretеnding when I say those words to you

The overarching story of the song describes the love you feel, even after someone has hurt you. How you may still want them in your life, even if it's painful. My mind keeps coming back to this episode from one of the later seasons of "Hannah Montana." (Stay with me, this is leading somewhere, I promise.) Miley is torn between two guys - her boyfriend, Jake, who has hurt her in the past, and a new musician she's working with, Jesse. For reference, objectively speaking, Jesse was hotter. In a moment of despair, she asks her mother (who is dead) for help. For some reason, she has headshots of both on her bed and the wind blows one of the headshots to land at Miley's feet. It's the picture of Jesse but the episode ends with her reaffirming her love for Jake. Jesse is heartbroken but he understands. 

Having researched a little bit while writing this, I know by the end of the Hannah Montana, she breaks up with Jake because he's cheating on her and she ends up with Jesse anyway. Which, romantically speaking, always made more sense - they had similar personalities, they were both passionate about music and they channeled that passion into the work they did together (yes, he stayed in her band, even after she rejected him). They clicked well so, with the knowledge of how it all ends, I have no idea what she was thinking when looking at his headshot. Originally, I thought she looked at his headshot and she was disappointed. But it now occurs to me that she could've picked it up and felt scared about having to break up with Jake, because they shared a lot of history (three seasons worth) together. Or maybe she felt guilty for having feelings for someone outside of her current relationship. Or anxiety about taking the leap and it not working out. I'm not sure and I don't think we're meant to know. To quote "Titanic," "a woman's heart is a deep ocean." The Universe gave her the answer and, in the end, that was the outcome. Script writing is easy and simple like that. As you can tell, I spend way to much of my time thinking about "Hannah Montana." I spend way too much of my time thinking about a lot of things. How you do one thing is how you do all things....and all that jazz.

I will be your friend, but love you in my soul
I'll never feel another way, just thought I'd let you know
You've knocked me to the floor
Since the moment I saw you
Every minute, every hour, if you'll have me, I want you

As a step away from the antics of "Hannah Montana," I have to acknowledge that the inner wounds I've mentioned also awaken a deep well of anger and hurt. As a Scorpio Moon, I hate to be the person who was hurt more. Having a Mars-ruled Moon (and the Mars in my chart is also debilitated, being in Cancer, Mars' Fall), there's obviously something competitive about this, and being the weaker one, the one who loses, is unfathomable. Scorpio placements, in particular, struggle with feeling weak and vulnerable, especially in an emotional way. In my head, if you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you far worse, such complete overkill that you will never pick up the pieces. I desire vengeance - beyond justice - and part of me honestly believes this other person doesn't deserve happiness, but instead deserves the worst life can throw at them, deserves even more pain and hurt than they've caused me. It scares me because these thoughts and feelings make me worry that I'm not as good a person as I'd like to think. But then I'm reminded that it isn't a good person who would hurt me in such a way to push me to this extreme (which is hard to do). Why am I spending so much emotional energy on such a person? If they had cared about me at all and were as deeply remorseful about hurting me as they should be, they would've jumped off a building by now.

Underneath everything, though, I'm angry with myself. For putting myself in such a vulnerable situation; for being naïve, hopeful, and trusting at the time; for suppressing the anger I felt afterwards out of a misguided idea that I should be compassionate and understanding, despite being left feeling pathetic and worthless; and I'm angry at myself for still feeling deeply wounded many years later. I want to scream at them, "You take this, it's yours! You take this hurt, this pain you forced on me! I don't want it!" I never wanted it, I never expected it. It feels like a loss to carry this burden myself. So no, they don't deserve to be happy, not if I'm hurting like this still. 

I've been trying to understand where this anger is coming from, trying to explain it to myself as I sit with it. From what I've gathered, it comes from the feeling that someone violated a sacred boundary for me, and took advantage of my vulnerability, and my generous and loving nature. And even if I could punish them, ruin their life and become that harbinger of karma, there's this inner conflict of not wanting to. Because, at my core, that's not who I want to be. That is not the highest expression of my Scorpio Moon. Even though it might feel really good in the moment, in my heart, I know I don't want to burn that bridge. I don't think I should. As such, I have to accept that I myself cannot balance the scale, not in a way that is satisfying, and that acceptance feels like a loss to me. I have to trust that by "taking the L" (which, being ruled by Mars, Scorpio placements are loathe to do), I'm surrendering this hurt to the Universe, which will be able to carry out divine justice in a more fitting way and time than I ever could.

If I learn to love myself, will it keep you from loving someone else?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
If learning to love would cost my life, I'd spend it all on you and I

I realize this took a dark turn but, during Scorpio season, you have to let go what is asking to be freed. This is the most necessary step in transmuting darkness into light. Happy Halloween.

November Update: I cannot overstate the life-changing magic of identifying and naming what you're feeling. I was having a tough time moving through this fog at the end of October and writing down what I felt was the ugly stuff has helped me let it go a little bit. Not completely but it's not all-consuming anymore. I'm trying to embrace the BOTH/AND. For example, you can BOTH love someone and have compassion for their experience AND still be extremely angry at them because how they treated you was royally fucked up. The struggle is real.

"I Want You" Video

"Desire" by Meg Myers

I've been obsessed with this song since about August. I discovered it when I was browsing Jordan Kensley's Instagram (Jordan is a pole dancer who I took a floor work workshop with in September....she's super nice and an amazing dancer). Honestly, trying to understand why I love it so much has been a mind fuck. Obviously, I connect with it on some level. It describes something I feel frequently. Beyond that, it's part of myself I (and definitely many others) have sublimated for a long time. Sure, it's an Unskippable, but what makes it an Unskippable is the whole point of this blog, right? The rawness of emotion - an emotion many people feel intense shame for - is palpable. 

"Lilith" by John Collier

I spend a little bit of every day studying and trying to understand esoteric concepts. Astrology, mos def, but others as well - ghosts/spirits, alchemy (the spiritual kind), divinity, demonology, manifestation, etc, etc. I thought for Scorpio season (especially since it's also Eclipse season) I would dive into sacred sexuality and tantra (again). Specifically, I've been ruminating on this idea of Desire as Direction. And that doesn't just mean sexual desire but whatever kind of desire it is, it's a dangerous idea to society as it stands today. Not only that but it's a scary idea. I'm not sure the average person has much experience with admitting what they desire with their whole chest. It's vulnerable, it's risky, because one of the outcomes is not getting what you want. I mean, that is the outcome if you don't take ownership of what you desire anyway, but it's easier somehow - you can make excuses. Oh, I never said anything. Oh, I knew I'd get turned down anyway (no, you didn't). And a lot of the time, our desires are painted as silly, childish fantasies anyway, so why are you so hung up about it?

Baby, wanna touch you

I wanna breathe into your well

See, I gotta to hunt you

I gotta bring you to my hell

Baby, I wanna fuck you,

I wanna feel you in my bones

Boy, I'm gonna love you

I'm gonna tear into your soul

Of course, there's the even scarier implication for the reverse, because if Desire is Direction, then Lack of Desire is a sign you're on the wrong path. If that's the case, you might need to let go of things that are really comfortable. A career, relationships, hobbies, personality traits, habits, clothes...all sorts of things you've been holding on to. There's this manifestation exercises where you imagine who you would be if you had everything you wanted - dream career, dream partner, dream wardrobe, dream life - what does that look like? For some people, that's so different then how their lives look today that it's overwhelming and discouraging. To get from point A to point B requires so much change on their part that they'd rather not bother. Perhaps it goes without saying, but Scorpio falls in my 6th House - the House of Habit, Health, and Routine. Larger transformation requires discipline in the mundane. And if you don't desire something to change, it never will. Desire is Direction. If you aren't pursuing something with intensity, why are you even doing it?

"Desire" is about wanting someone so much, it's all consuming. The lyrics may seem kind of violent to some but then those are probably the sort of people who have never desired someone so much, they weren't sure if they wanted to fuck the person or kill them. Yes, I imagine this would make for some rather rough, predator/prey type sex. The wording of the chorus is notable. "Do you want me?" is a very different question from "How do you want me?" She knows whoever she's singing to wants her back and he/she can have her. Any way they want. So what are they waiting for? Because the waiting is just pissing her off. The chorus sounds like a frustrated demand, and it is. I'm choosing when (now) and where (here), you get to choose the how. The music is intense and dark, highlighting the gravity of her desire, the vulnerability of what she's asking for. I'm just not sure Desire is something the average woman feels free enough to embody, which makes this song subversive. Do you ever notice that? How male artists can sing about sex all day but when a female artists say the words "I want to fuck you" in their lyrics, it's somehow dirtier and more raw? 

Desire, I'm hungry

I hope you feed me

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

The landscape today is more open to differences in sexual expression. It seems, to me, every other girl is coming out as asexual or demisexual (only becomes interested in sex when they have an emotional connection), but it's still a difficult world for women who are decidedly sexual and open about it. There's still so much stigma around polyamory, kink, one-night stands, tantra, and out of the whole LGBTQIA rainbow, bisexuals/pansexuals are still told they're sexuality isn't legitimate (by both sides of the homo-hetero spectrum). Women are told to "respect themselves" but for some, that still means withholding sex, even within the confines of a (monogamous) committed relationship. We're told to treat ourselves like a Queen but I've never identified with that archetype. Queens don't dance, Queens don't sing, they don't take lovers who are their equals, and they make some rules but ultimately, they uphold the rules of society. It's an archetype about control and image, of wealth and power. I've always valued individuality and authenticity, wildness and freedom. I am uncontrollable to everyone except myself, and I like it that way. As such, I've always found myself drawn to the archetypes of the Temptress, the Succubus, the Siren, and (in their higher forms) the Sacred Courtesan. As you can imagine, a different kind of goddess invokes those themes.

Honey, I wanna break you

I wanna throw you to the hounds,

Yeah I gotta hurt you

I gotta hear from your mouth

Boy, I wanna taste you

I wanna skin you with my tongue

I'm gonna kill you,

I'm gonna lay you in the ground

When I finally dropped the pretense of Catholicism and decided that - yes, indeed - the path of witchcraft and paganism was for me, Lilith was the first goddess who called to me. And while in more recent years, others have called - Persephone, Brigid, Hekate - Lilith is still a vital part of my practice. I love her darkness, her wildness, her dedication to living her truth, even if it defies the rules. Whereas Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil out of ignorance, Lilith ate from it knowing the consequences. And she walked out of the Garden, naked, head held high, confident that she would be able to continue on her own. Underlying all the overarching messages of freedom, empowerment, and equality, lies the beating heart of Lilith's story: rejection. And not her rejection of Adam, but of his rejection of her. God gave him his equal, in every way, and he rejected Lilith for a partner who was weaker, less wild, less free-spirited, less attuned to her own bodily autonomy. One who was and would be dependent on him. Ultimately, one who wouldn't (and couldn't) challenge his authority as master of all that lived in the Garden of Eden. In short, he chose power over love. The only thing Lilith asked for was partnership, and that was too much. The lesson here is if you can't have equal partnership - if you can't find someone who is willing to hold space for all of you - choose freedom.

I wanna feel you, I want it all

I wanna feel you, I want it all

The video is fitting for Spooky Season. In fact, it's inspired by numerous horror films. Meg Myers plays the role of our fearless Final Girl, confronting the entity that's been haunting her dilapidated house. Water is everywhere, all the classic 70s furniture is lighted with that sickly yellow tinge, spooky handprints show up on the mirror, creepy cartoons on the old-fashioned CRT. Then it takes an unexpected turn. A phantom picks her up like a lover and throws her on the pullout couch/bed. I think you know what happens next - ghost sex. This is apparently a real phenomenon, and you can find numerous reports of *ahem* spectral encounters through various ghost hunting sites and books. I love this video but I can't help but imagine how awkward it was to film it. There was definitely a buff stunt man decked out in that green bodysuit spinning her around and "positioning" her. And can we also talk about how understated and sexy a plain camisole and panties is? That's probably why it's the official uniform of every teenaged girl who dies while having sex in slasher flicks. The performance Meg gives in the video is absolutely emblematic of the vibe, though - innocent, maybe a bit ashamed of how she feels, but she still knows what she wants.

"Desire" Music Video

This eclipse season is already driving me crazy....and I'm letting it. My eye has been twitching a bit, I think it's just exhaustion because I haven't been getting good sleep. I'm listening to Steven Sanchez songs on repeat. Starting to write more, even though I'm in sort of a cocoon stage in my life. Mostly, I just feel really destructive and full of bad ideas. The partial solar eclipse in Scorpio occurred this morning, October 25th, at approximately 3:38am (AZ time).  Both this eclipse, and the total lunar eclipse in Taurus on November 8th, is making a lot of aspects within my chart. Most of them are good - the eclipse with be trine my Venus in Cancer (trine is the most harmonious aspect), and the actual eclipse is loosely conjunct my Moon and Pluto in Scorpio (a mixed bag), but unfortunately, the eclipse with be square (by degree) my Mars in Cancer. Squares always come with a little trouble. And the ruler of this eclipse, Mars, is tearing up my 1st House (Gemini) and is getting ready to station retrograde for another pass. As you may have guessed, the astrology for 4Q 2022 is pretty gnarly, so have fun out there.

"Cubicles" by My Chemical Romance

 As stated in the previous post, I went to go see My Chemical Romance last month. It was amazing, thanks for asking. I loved it so much that I hope I get to see them perform again one day. Maybe with someone who also loves them as much as I do (not that I didn't enjoy the time with my husband). Part of me would honestly like to follow MCR around the country going to their shows but I know that's not realistic. I have responsibilities and I think the desire stems from the on-going grief I feel knowing that I'm not young enough to do something like that anymore. Ironically, the thing that shocked me most about the concert was how many young people (i.e., Gen-Z folks) were at the concert. My coworker is going to the "When We Were Young" festival in Las Vegas this weekend (yes, I'm super jealous). I was looking at the line-up and, indeed, it was basically the dream festival I had always imagined as a teenager. MCR, Paramore, Ice Nine Kills, Black Veil Brides, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, All-American Rejects.....the gang's all gonna be there! For reference, my coworker is 25. He was literally like 5 years old when most of these bands were popular and, at most, 10 years old when they faded out. Youth is wasted on the young.

I have this habit of treating a lot of things like I'm studying for a test. Like if I don't do things exactly perfect, it won't match my vision of how things should be, and everything will be ruined. Another thing I'm working on. I tend to go from one hyper-fixation to the next in this way. Or rather, I indulge myself with a little obsession, which I like to believe prevents me from diving wholly into crazy territory. With a goal or a deadline, I only go so far into the rabbit hole. Thus, in preparation for this concert - a concert I've been waiting for approximately half of my life - I listened through MCR's entire repertoire (or, at least, as much of it is available on Spotify). This process reunited me with old favorites, to be sure - favorites I still listen to fairly frequently, if I'm being honest. This process also re-introduced me to songs I didn't fully identify with when I was younger that I now understand deeply, in a way that is only possible with age and experience. One of those songs being (obviously) "Cubicles."

They didn't play this song during the concert but I'm not surprised. The set list was mostly songs from "Fabulous Killjoys" and "Black Parade," with only a smattering of the most popular songs from the earlier albums, a few B-sides and later singles. Makes sense....those two albums were released at the height of their popularity. But I personally prefer the older stuff - it is less polished, considerably darker and more melancholy. Don't get me wrong - I love it all. But the songs that changed (and, in some cases, saved) my life were on "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love" and "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." This song is from "I Brought You My Bullets," which, for some reason, reminds me of Autumn. I associate the main MCR albums with seasons - "Black Parade" is obviously Winter, "Fabulous Killjoys" reminds me of Summer, and I guess that means "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" would be Spring. Don't ask me why. It's probably because of the coloring of the album covers and the general aesthetic for each of the releases. I'm rambling now. Old age, you know. Give an old lady some grace.

It's the tearing sound of love-notes

Coming out these rusted windows

And the view outside is sterile

And I'm only two cubes down

A photocopy all the things that we could be

If you took the time to notice me

But you can't now, I don't blame you

And it's not your fault that no one ever does

Let's talk about "Cubicles." On the surface, the singer is lamenting that his work crush has gotten another job and left. Ultimately, though, it's about the depth of loneliness one feels after the loss of connection, even if the potential of that connection was tenuous or merely imagined to be there. We tend to grow attached to the people we're around the most and now, especially in early adulthood, we often spend most of our time around our coworkers and classmates. It's natural to form attachments to and crushes on them. It's psychological - our survival depends on the people we spend the most time with so our brain associates positive feelings with them (even if the actual relationship is not particularly enjoyable). As someone who often feels like I'm always the one who feels the connection deeper and becomes more attached, I understand this song on so many levels. There's the obvious layer of unrequited love (which the singer may or may not have admitted to their person), which is a difficult situation. Although, given life perspective, I don't think it's as bad as being in a relationship that is abusive or where you feel trapped. I've always been able to get over unrequited love, which isn't really love if you don't know the person that well. In fact, it's possible the crush wouldn't turn into love at all if they had a chance to be with the object of their affection. Getting to know someone always dashes the fantasy of who they are and who they could be. Disappointment has ultimately been harder to move on from than rejection. But maybe that's the situation here - maybe he was close with his work crush. Maybe they were even friends, good friends, best friends....at least, in his mind, they were. And then they left this job and completely stopped communicating with the singer. Not only does it ruin his hopes of what they could've grown into but also puts into stark reality exactly how much whatever friendship existed was valued. And that's where the disappointment comes in. When you realize you don't mean as much to the other person as they mean to you, even though it seemed mutual when you were in the midst of it. And yet, you still have to see reminders of them everywhere. Like old Teams messages or references to something they said in an email. Or seeing their name on slide decks and glimpses of their face in pictures of the last office party, stashed away on a shared drive. A cruel joke of corporate romance.

But you don't work here anymore

It's just a vacant three by four

And they might fill your place

A temporary stand-in for your face

This happens all the time

And I can't help but think I'll die alone

In the song, he laments that, sometimes, he thinks he'll die alone. By the end of the song, it doesn't sound like such a tragic option. The lyrics change to "I think I'd love to die alone." Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. I've come to realize that I don't mind being alone as much as I used to. I like my own company. I'm a pretty awesome person....way more interesting than most people I meet. And I'm not great at small talk. I've only been at this job for about 8 months and I only recently started feeling like I formed casual friendships with my coworkers. It struck me how slow this process has been but maybe it's supposed to be. I've only been going to my pole studio for about 6 months and I'm gradually becoming a fixture. I've met most of the teachers and they all recognize my face when I show up to class. I have people I chat with when I go to class - maybe I'm not as close with them as with my first group of pole sisters, but we're getting there. It's a very different dynamic between the main social circles of my life. There was a time when the only social interaction I got was at work - when that's the case, it's easy to get overly attached to the people there. That's the bullshit workplaces are trying to pull, right? You're family here! No, no you're not. It's an act of rebellion to have a vibrant life outside your work, outside your home, outside the tiny little boxes society has built for us. It's nice to say I do something other than watch TV when I'm outside work. It's a good thing that my career is no longer all that I am.

So I'll spend my time with strangers

A condition, and it's terminal

In this water-cooler romance

And its coming to a close

We could be in the park and dancing by a tree

Kicking over blades we see

Or a dark beach with a black view

As pin-pricks in the velvet catch our fall

I'm gradually learning not to be so attached to people. That the best relationships in my life took years to form, not months. Over the summer, I got to meet up with my best friend from high school multiple times. It was amazing to talk to someone who knew so much of my history and still understood so much of who I am, even though we had several years to catch up on. I've been on a walk down memory lane much of the past few months, honoring my inner teenager, because I never really got to enjoy that time of my life. I was stuck in survival mode for most of it, and the things that got me through it were the aforementioned best friend, music, writing, reading, and performing. Not surprisingly, the Sun, Mercury, and Venus have been transiting Libra, my 5th House where my South Node is located. The 5th House is associated with Leisure, Fun, Childhood, Creativity, Love, and Play. These themes have been very present in my life and it's been a period of trying to get back to those things, the things that bring me joy and happiness, especially in terms of my relationships (both with self and others). It's been an area of life that has been out-of-balance for a while, so I'm trying to let the scales do their work.

Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die
Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die alone

The Universe agrees and has been sending me signs. A few memorable ones - pulling out of pole class and stopping behind a truck with a license plate that said "DREAMBIGG." I tried to take a picture but it turned out blurry (and I'm sure the driver thought I was crazy...which I am). Another time, a few weeks ago, I was at the gate for work and the car next to me was a Mini-Cooper with a license plate that said "ZIIPPY." If you don't get it, that's alright. It means something to me and I got the message.

As you may already know, Taylor Swift's new album, "Midnights," dropped at (you guessed it!) midnight today. I'll eventually get around to listening it but you know how I like to slowly discover my T-Swift gems. But it's just one more thing to look forward to. Happy Friday!

"Cubicles" Video