"Dangerous Woman" by Ariana Grande

::WARNING:: This post contains sexual themes and adult content. No pictures, though. Nice try. Get your mind outta the gutter. Also, I am a straight woman, so this post is written from my point of view but I'm pretty sure the ideas/concepts/suggestions would go for any sexual orientation. Except asexual, but I think that's probably obvious at this point. ::END POST::

I'm reading this "Becoming Dangerous" book, which talks about how witchy female/femme-identifying people are dealing with the post-Trump era. A lot of the essays talk about self-care rituals and getting strong and getting prepared to fight. Then other essays talk about getting in touch with your sensuous side, owning your sexuality, etc. They use terms like "slut-magic" and "whore power," encourage wearing sexy lingerie every day, and use the male gaze as a form of personal worship because you're a goddess - all of which I'm down for. Lately, I've been wanting to try out erotic dance and burlesque, and potentially try a pole-dancing class (if I ever have time and can get over my bad self). Since I'm one of those people who believes you can learn anything from reading a book, I bought the S Factor workout book. They have a series of studios where you can learn the workout moves, among other things like pole fitness and traditional burlesque performance. Unfortunately, my current city is not cool enough to have an S Factor studio - I'd like to change that someday, but you gotta walk before you can run. In the book, Sheila Kelly has a bunch of song recommendations to use with the workout. I told you all that to say this - I'm always on the lookout for good stripper songs and "Dangerous Woman" is one the better ones I've heard come out of contemporary pop music.

In the book, Sheila Kelly says to imagine something that makes you feel sexy/sensuous while you're doing the workout. I like to imagine I have an audience when I dance. That probably says something about me, but whatever. That's essentially what the lyrics and the video for "Dangerous Woman" are about. There's a particular man that makes Ariana (and I think every girl probably has at least one) feel sexy by just looking at her. Like a temptress. No matter what she's wearing - although Ariana is wearing lingerie and she looks pretty damn good in it. I wish I looked half as good, but I digress. I highly recommend this visualization exercise, if you're going to dip your toes into erotic dance. Picture a man (or a woman) who you're highly attracted to. The type of (wo)man who makes you want to do anything with/to them if they asked. Where you're always ready to go, because he or she might be ready to go, even if you're kind of mad at them. If he wants a blowjob for his wakeup call every day (which I refer to as a "good morning"), then he's getting a blowjob every morning. He wants sex in the back of the car on a Wednesday, he's getting it. I mean....he did ask nicely, right? I believe this is what they call "method acting," if I recall that correctly from my theatre days - and it would make sense that even burlesque performers use this to get into their routines. So if it works for the professionals, then it would probably work for the average woman trying it out at home.

Oh yeah

Don't need permission

Made my decision to test my limits

'Cause it's my business

God as my witness

Start what I finished

Don't need no hold up

Taking control of this kind of moment

I'm locked and loaded

Completely focused my mind is open

All that you got, skin to skin, oh my God

Don't ya stop, boy

Somethin' 'bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman

Somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout you

Makes me wanna do things that I shouldn't

Somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout, somethin' 'bout

Let's talk about the video - nothing special, just Ariana Grande looking hella sexy. She's another one that I remember from her child actor days. She was fucking hilarious on "Victorious." I don't think she has a sweet child-like face, like Selena Gomez does. Grande is one of those abnormally gorgeous looking people. To take a brilliant tweet from @DothTheDoth, "if you know someone who looks effortlessly beautiful all the time, that's a demon." Guys.....I'm pretty sure Ariana Grande is a demon. Another thing about this video - the director went through a lot of trouble to make it look like a sex tape. To include the film scratches....which would not be present in a modern sex tape. We put that shit on DVD now, so that wouldn't happen. It kind of gets annoying and almost distracting, and it probably would've been a better choice to just leave those out. But, alas, I am not a music video director, so that's not my choice to make.

"Dangerous Woman" Video

"I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith

I've been trying to stay away from sappy love songs lately, just to give the blog a little more variety. A lot of my favorite songs are love songs and I think something like 70% of music is written on that subject - that's an evolutionary thing with a lot of psychological reasoning. I could go into it, but I'll save that for another day. Point is, I'm making an exception today because it's my parents' anniversary and this is their song. Well, one of their songs. And I can't remember if they decided this or I did, but I always associate this song with them.

As I've mentioned before, my dad served in the military. Still is serving, just in a different capacity from being Active Duty. He was deployed a lot - like more than is usual for someone in the service. Honestly, it felt like he was deployed my whole childhood. He'd be gone for months, come back for a few weeks, and then he'd be gone again. It was hard for the first couple of weeks but eventually I got used to it - this was just a standard part of being a military brat. I don't think my mom ever got used to it. I remember her always being very distant during those long absences. Now that I'm older, I think I understand what it means to really miss someone like how the song describes....

When you want to be around someone all the time, that you'd do anything to see them for just a couple minutes. And when that's not possible, you keep yourself as busy as you can - but even then, they're still hanging out at the back of your mind, no matter what you do. When you stop for a minute and the loneliness closes in, you find yourself talking to them in your head, which makes you feel a little crazy but it's also comforting. Besides, you're just trying to remember things you want to tell them when you are together. When you'd rather stay awake than go to sleep, because you can't guarantee you'll have dreams about them. As someone who has tried and failed miserably at lucid dreaming, it's easier to just stay awake. That sounds really crazy, but I imagine a lot of people understand this feeling. Most people, I would hope. It's not so terrible....once you get used to it. But then there are those moments when it gets tough - like when you're listening to "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" on repeat, for example - but you just have to deal with it because there's nothing you can do. Sorry, I got deep "into my feelings" as my immediate supervisor likes to say.

Moving on....I know true love exists because of my parents. You don't go through the kind of hell they've been through unless you love someone a lot. Many military couples don't make it, especially after the spouse leaves the military. It's stressful, even if you're not deployed all the time. I kind of wish my mom had been more active in the spouses' groups on base - I think she would've been less lonely. I participated in some of that stuff before I left my parents' house for good. It's a great support system, especially now that there's more focus on supporting military families (there really wasn't that much back in the 90s - at least, I don't remember it).

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping

While you're far away and dreaming

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

I could stay lost in this moment forever

Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Alright, let's address the elephant in the room - this song was the big song that came out of the movie "Armageddon." Does anyone really believe it would be easier to train a bunch of oil drillers to be astronauts then to just train astronauts on how to use a drill?! Is that seriously a realistic scenario? Do you know how many years astronauts have to train before they're sent into space? I just looked it up - Astronauts train for two-fucking-years before they even go on a training mission. Before that, they need a degree in engineering or some other super difficult bullshit, three years of professional experience, and/or 1,000 hours of pilot in-command time of a jet aircraft. We wouldn't send Joe Blow into space to save the world - we'd all fucking die. Also, Liv Tyler is an Immortal - it was confirmed because she hasn't aged a day since this movie was made. There's a reason they cast her as Arwen.

"I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" Video

"Changes" by David Bowie

Continuing with this theme of letting go and moving on, "Changes" felt appropriate today after I pulled my daily tarot card. Yes, I've started doing a daily tarot reading for myself. I'm not sure I'm doing it right and I don't know all the meanings of all the cards, but I'm trying to incorporate it into my daily practice. A lot of witches and pagans whom I follow and admire - Gordon White, Gabriela Herstik, and Sophie Saint Thomas, just to name a few - use it in their daily practice and recommend doing it for clarity and strengthening of will, so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm also trying to get more familiar with my deck. It's the Wildwood Tarot and it's the first deck I bought for myself - I was attracted to the forest imagery and the idea of the Wild Hunt. My first deck was Aleister Crowley's Thoth tarot, which I found in our garage during my junior year of high school. That Halloween, I went to a party as a fortune teller and tried my hand at giving readings. Not as convincing when you have to refer back to the book constantly. I find all sorts of cool shit in my parents' garage - astrology books, tarot decks, Soviet officer hats, medical text books - most of which is just waiting for me to come steal it back.

Back to what I was talking about - I pulled The Journey this morning and it just confirmed what I was already feeling. That it's time to stop being scared and embrace the things that are changing in my life, even if that means letting go of things I once loved. Old patterns, behaviors, and thoughts that don't serve me anymore need to die. And I'm starting to think about how to gently extract myself from past entanglements that I got myself caught up in because I was too afraid to disappoint someone by saying, "No....I don't want this." One thing in particular that came to the surface was my current career path. Yesterday, I applied for a civilian position, which is something I've been wanting to do for years but didn't because, well, I didn't think I was good enough to be selected. For years, I've had this fear that, if I left my current job, I wouldn't be able to get anything better. That I'd have to start from the bottom again. But....I'm not a 25-year-old with only one year of real work experience anymore. I was looking at my resume when I was finished tailoring my bullets and I was like, "Damn girl, you're more qualified than your boss." And when I asked my supervisor if I could use him as a reference, he told me the same thing. He also told me that I shouldn't be held down to the idea of staying at the same organization I'm currently at, even if it's an option, because I have so much more potential than that. And he was right. I need to be willing to step out of my comfort zone, even though it's scary, because there's so much more good I can do somewhere else. That's the only way you grow, by trying something new, even if you might fail.

I'm trying to do that more - going to new classes, signing up for challenges I'm not exactly sure I can conquer, embracing aspects of myself that I was afraid to let free because others might think I'm weird. That's another part of this - not caring what people think anymore. Including my family. If I want to dance or sing in public, or wear a crop-top sweater with "Witch" emblazoned across the front (which I do own...it's my favorite sweater and I never wear it because of what people might think but you know....fuck it, it's my favorite fucking sweater), I'm going to do it. Because it's what I want. I've been doing this energy clearing guided meditation every morning - another part of my daily practice - and I find that I'm in a better mindset after I do it. Contrariwise, if I don't do it, I find my spirit is all mucked up until I do. I also got a new journal to do my shadow work and for doing manifestation journaling (something I learned about last night on the internet). I'm looking forward to it. And I'm ready for whatever comes on this path that the Universe is telling me to follow.

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence

And so the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same

And these children that you spit on

As they try to change their worlds

Are immune to your consultations

They're quite aware of what they're goin' through

I know that rant had almost nothing to do with the song. But this blog was always more about exercising (intentional misspelling) my demons through music, anyway. Besides, y'all just came here for some awesome David Bowie music. I miss him - I shed a tear (or several) when he died, because he was such a big part of my childhood. My first celebrity crush, my introduction into the world of glam rock and concept albums, just an amazing and brave person in general. He was really something special.

"Changes" Video

"The Killing Moon" by Echo and the Bunnymen

A couple of weeks ago, I got my hair cut at this awesome salon. It was more alternative than your standard Super Cuts. I usually get my hair cut at Aveda, because my older sister's family owns a few of their salons but I thought I'd try this one out on a friend's suggestion. Was not disappointed. Aside from the great haircut and awesome stylist - who talked to me the whole time (which is rare) and gave me a hug when I left - I was really digging their music. A lot of it was old school punk and dark wave, with some newer alternative/indie stuff for good measure. Basically, the playlist was something I probably would've made myself. And I'm okay with that. Better than listening to Top 40 while someone's chopping off all my hair.

Anyway, one of the songs that came on that caught my attention was "The Killing Moon" by Echo and the Bunnymen. I love it because it's creepy and yet wistful at the same time. I think it's Ian McCulloch's voice - it's sad and soulful. Especially on this song. The lyrics are a little repetitive but you kind of get lost in the Spanish guitar riff and it's alright. Peaceful, like being overtaken by waves. Like "Iris." Sometimes simple is all you need.

The song meaning discussion boards say the song is about death, and it is....sort of. The song is more about Fate versus Free Will. How much are we really in control? Are we in control of any of it? I don't know sometimes. I get this feeling that I'm in the right place at the right time. That things are happening because that's how they're supposed to happen. And then I'm almost sure I affected the outcome of events by something I did, by some decision I made. I've been ruminating on this lately. I've also been trying to work on letting go and not worrying about what happens, as long as I do what I need to. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Que sera sera and all that jazz. It's hard but I'm getting better at it. I've been reading a lot about the concept of surrender. That the key is to not be afraid, that it doesn't mean you don't want what you want anymore, but having faith you'll be okay if life doesn't turn out exactly the way you want it. I'm getting better, but I'm still struggling with it and some days are better than others. Some hours, some minutes are better than others.

Shit. I didn't realize this was going to be another one of those damn philosophical posts. Y'all thought this was just another love song, some guy pining after a girl he can't have. Nope! The truth is we're all going to die and there's nothing we can do about it. Just have to enjoy the ride while it lasts. I think I speak for everyone here when I say - fuck you, Ian McCulloch....I prefer anger instead of melancholy with my New Wave Punk music.

In starlit nights I saw you 

So cruelly you kissed me 

Your lips a magic world 

Your sky all hung with jewels 

The killing moon 

Will come too soon

Anyway, I hope you had a chance to step outside and look at the Blood Moon. It was beautiful. Even now, I can see it through my writing room window. I think I'll make a wish on it tonight. Good night, my dears.

"The Killing Moon" Video

"Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne

YouTube is back in my youth again. That's partially my fault....you click on one Britney Spears video and suddenly, you're sent back 10 years in the timeline. Oh well. It's worth it because I like this song. I'm pretty sure everyone does, because it's funny. And it's funny because, apparently, it's true. According to all my guy friends, there was always at least one hot mom you had a crush on. Unfortunately for me, it happened to be....my mom. I am Stacy. Lovely.

Yes, it's true. I had to endure the awkward "your mom is hot" comments, but it's not like I didn't already know it. When I was growing up, I thought my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. I still think so, sometimes, when looking at old pictures of her. People used to stop and tell me that she looked like a classic movie star. This wasn't a one time thing - this happened several times over the course of my life and I used to find it annoying. I always wished I looked like my mom - and lately, I've been noticing....I kind of do. My hair is still pretty dark (I don't remember my mom having anything beyond a deep auburn hair color) and my face is slightly less angular, but you can definitely see the resemblance more in me than in my sisters. So if I'm doing the math correctly, if my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world 20 years ago and I look like her now, therefore - by the Transitive Property of Equality - I must be the current most beautiful woman in the world? Does that compute? Haha, I doubt it. I'm sure that's some Victoria's Secret supermodel.....but I'll settle for a close second. Not that I want my son to have to endure the awkward comments from his friends but....well, I kind of do. But he's still young - I might look like the Crypt Keeper in 10 to 15 years. I mean, I don't plan on living that hard but who knows?

Of course, the video is hilariously awkward. Stacy's mom ain't no slouch. Sure, she probably got the house in the divorce but she's going on business trips and can afford for a masseuse to come to her house, so I'm pretty sure she's like an executive or something. However, I do think it's questionable for her to come out only wearing a towel when her daughter's friend is around. If my mom did that, I would've been mortified. I have a lot of questions about teenaged boys - mostly because I never was one. For example, is it normal to masturbate in someone else's house? Especially without locking the door first - that just sounds like bad planning. And if a pretty girl like Stacy was clearly into you, would you seriously be thinking about banging her mom? Wouldn't you be trying to get Stacy into bed? Again, sounds like bad planning. And poor prioritization. Hmmm. Yeah, sounds about right for teenaged boys. Everything about my high school years is starting to make sense now.....

"Stacy's Mom" Video

"Going Through the Motions" as sung by Sarah Michelle Gellar

In one of the later seasons of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," they did an episode where a demon curses the cast so they are compelled to break into song to reveal unpleasant truths. It's a musical episode and I, personally, have a soft spot in my heart for musical episodes. It was one of the better Buffy episodes, in my opinion. Buffy was one of those shows that you'd think I was into just based on my interests, but I never really had time to watch. My best friend in high school was a big Buffy fan, though, so I did manage to see a few episodes. This one included.

At the end of Season 5, Buffy died sacrificing herself for her sister, Dawn. At the beginning of Season 6, Willow resurrects Buffy using magic. Unfortunately, Buffy was kind of happy being dead - she thought she was in heaven and she was at peace. Considering her life was killing vampires and having undead love triangles in between Slayer shenanigans, I can see why she wouldn't be thrilled to be brought back to life. "Once More, With Feeling" - the musical episode - opens with Buffy singing about how she doesn't have the same passion for her mission that she had before she died. And she's hoping nobody will notice and that eventually she'll get over it, but for right now, she's just going through the motions.

I was thinking about this episode the other day and this song, in particular. I don't want to say I've been going through the motions, lately, but in some things I have. I say things I'm not sure I mean just because they're expected. Or the reverse, I don't say things I want to say because I don't think they should be said. I smile because it's disarming....and I'm prettier when I smile. I do things that I don't particularly want to do because people aren't used to me saying "no." Because I'm supposed to. I don't know why. I know it's temporary - I've been through this before. This disappointment with real life. Heck, that was basically my whole childhood and I made it through that shit show. If I smile hard enough and play pretend really good, eventually things will be okay. In the meantime, I'm going to keep meditating and writing. And when that's not enough, I'll light a candle, maybe even cast a circle, and pray to whatever gods are listening. Video is below - the song is pretty short, the beginning minute or so is just the overture.

"Going Through the Motions" Video

"Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger

I just woke up from a nap so I'm trying to jump start my brain with a tortilla. That's not relevant, that's just where my life is right now. This is my favorite song to listen to when I get in that weird place where I'm feeling like I'm better than other people but also feel inferior at the same time. My baseline intelligence is higher than most people. I'm not bragging - that's just a fact. I've taken all the stupid tests, I did all the honors/gifted classes, and you know what I learned? It doesn't fucking matter in the real world if you don't have social skills. My best friend in high school used to hate that I could get straight As without even trying but I used to envy her ability to strike up conversations with other people. Let's call it a draw. I was quiet and shy in high school, but I look mean, so people just assumed I was a snob or a bitch. Later, I kind of embraced that, but that's not true either. I like people, I just don't really know how to deal with them. In fact, I got a whole degree in Psychology to figure it out. NOTE: I had a plan when I picked out this song but that's out the window now, if you couldn't tell....

Anyway, I like this song because it captures that weirdness I felt and still feel sometimes. I forget that people don't understand things immediately like I do, so I have to be really careful about making them feel...bad about it. I've learned to be patient but sometimes, I snap and I'm just like, "How do you not fucking get this? It's right in front of you." I did that yesterday to The Husband. I'm watching a novela on Netflix (because I've been feeling this urge to get in touch with my "roots"....and apparently watching Mexican telenovelas is part of that). It's a Netflix-made show called "Ingobernable" starring Kate del Castillo. The Husband asked what that word meant. And I don't know Spanish but I'm good with languages and just looking at the word, I knew it meant "ungovernable." He responded he wouldn't have guessed that. And I said something bitchy like, "Really? The words sound almost exactly the same. How do you not see that?" Apparently, this made him feel stupid (even though I didn't mean it that way) and I felt like a real asshole. Lesson re-learned - not everyone would get a near perfect score on the Artificial Language Test. I shouldn't assume people think the same way as I do, because they don't. I'm the weirdo, not everyone else. In fact, one of my coworkers told me that the other day - I'm not like anyone she's ever met. I took that as a compliment. That's what everyone wants, right? To be unique, even though no one is? ::sigh::

Back to the rant I was going to do - now much shorter since I forgot what I was gonna say - which was a rant about how great the internet is. I fucking love the internet. People know me here. They don't care that I'm researching serial killers or checking out vintage peignoir sets or watching videos of the latest performances from the Viva Las Vegas Burlesque Competition. I mean, I'm sure the government might be tracking all that shit (I'm pretty sure they are but I think they've deemed me "Mostly Harmless") and that makes me a little paranoid, but overall, the internet makes me feel less lonely. Because there's at least a couple hundred thousand people looking at the same things. And it makes my world a little smaller, a little cozier.

Favorite Verse:

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody's coming to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm going underground with the moles digging holes

Hear the voices in my head

I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring

But if you're bored then you're boring

The agony and the irony, they're killing me

"Flagpole Sitta" Video

"The Climb" by No Doubt

I push myself very hard. Almost too hard, sometimes. Since I discovered I was ambitious, it feels like I'm always working towards something. Another certification. Another project. And when I come home, I'm exhausted but I have to suck it up because I have mom/wife duties and my family doesn't deserve for me to slack off just because I'm "tired." Then, I feel like I'm compelled to go running 3 or 4 miles every day. Well, I'm compelled because it's the only time I have to myself, so I can think and listen to my music. So yeah, it hurts, but I deal with it. Because I'd go crazy if I didn't.

Sometimes, I wonder.....why? Are other people this driven? It doesn't seem normal or healthy. Half the certifications I have, it's because I wanted them, not because they were required for my work. Yes, my work requires a ridiculous amount of IT certifications - but when they asked me to get them, I was like, "Great! They're already on my list!" But is it all leading anywhere? Sometimes, I think it is....with each promotion, I'm convinced I did something right. But then months will go by and I'm stuck wondering - Does anybody even fucking care? Do I even know anything? Of course, then something will happen - someone will thank me or I'll get a pat on the back - and I'll be spurred on to out-do myself. And thus, the cycle continues. Always going, never stopping.

"The Climb" is one of my favorite song's on No Doubt's "Tragic Kingdom" album. A great album, by the way, if you're not familiar. It's also the longest one on the album. Go figure. I like long songs - deal with it. Anyway, I like it because it sounds like a classic lounge song. It's so dramatic, Gwen sounds like a Big Band singer (of course, she always sounds like that), especially when she croons the bridge. According to the Song Meanings forum, it's about overcoming an obstacle that is hard to surmount. That seems pretty obvious. Of course, there's also those people who think it's about sex - and I can see that, too. And the "mountain" is trying to get to orgasm. Although, I don't think orgasms are as perilous as what she's singing about. You can look at it either way, I suppose, depending on what your mood is. Okay, this rant went downhill quick. Long story short - I like to listen to this song when I feel discouraged or when I think my efforts are pointless. Favorite lyric: If I keep it up, I'm gonna make it/I'm so very close, can't you see?

"The Climb" Video

"Through Glass" by Stone Sour

I feel like this song embodies that emptiness I was rambling about yesterday. I can already tell I've got some ranting to do today, so there's your warning. I've always wondered who he was singing to in the lyrics. It's not a love song....it's actually quite bitter, despite the prettiness of it. Listening to the lyrics, it's clear that it's his inner monologue talking to himself. His soul, if you will. I keep coming back to that god damned concept. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about souls a lot lately, for whatever reason. When I was younger, I didn't think I had one - because of that emptiness, I suppose. It's easier to be angry and broken when you don't think there's anything else out there. And I was an incredibly angry, broken teenager....I can admit that now. Took years of therapy and self-reflection, but I got through it.

But now, here I am, wondering what comes next. I put a fair bit of thought into this when I was younger, especially around the time I decided to fully leave the Church. I knew I didn't believe in their version of Heaven and Hell, but I was never quite comfortable with the total opposite view either. That we're just bones and blood and electrical impulses that exist until we die, and then we decompose. I've always felt like more than that. Sometimes, I'm certain I'm more than that. But it's a shaky belief - like I'm afraid I'm wrong. I probably spend more time than most people telling myself everything will be okay in the end. I'm extremely good at self-soothing. When things got scary or overwhelming in my life (which was often), I would hide in my closet. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my little sister or my dog. Sometimes for a few minutes (long enough for a good cry), sometimes for a whole night. I still do, even as 31-year-old woman, though not as much. I was going somewhere with this.....oh yeah....so I just keep telling myself there's a plan. It's my plan, and it'll work out. I know that sounds like some "law of attraction" bullshit but it has worked out so far.

That rant was only tangentially related to the song. The lead singer, Corey Taylor, wrote "Through Glass" to express his disillusionment with the music industry. He was angry with how fake everything coming out at the time seemed - and it was the early 2000s, so I understand where he's coming from. A lot of music from around then did seem disingenuous. Needlessly stupid and pointless, in some cases. I think we were trying to pretend we were okay, that things were still the same after 9/11, which was always a lie. I could go on a tirade about 9/11's effect on popular culture but that's better left for another day. The point is that we didn't become obsessed with singing competitions until after it happened. Pop music, in general, got out of control. Everyone expected the music scene to be reflective of the darkness that enveloped the country but it didn't happen. We just kind of numbed ourselves with sugar-y sweetness for a little while.

Consider the following verse:

How much is real? So much to question

An epidemic of the mannequins

Contaminating everything

When thought came from the heart

It never did right from the start

Just listen to the noises

(No more sad voices)

Before you tell yourself

It's just a different scene

Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'll stop there. Listening to this song is making me depressed listening to it on repeat. Video below.

"Through Glass" Video

"Hunger" by Florence + the Machine

This is the first single from Florence’s new album, “High as Hope,” which came out a couple weeks ago. The single was actually released about three months ago, in early May, and I’ve been pretty obsessed with it since then. It’s a good secret dancing song. By “secret dancing,” I mean the dancing that I assume all girls do when they’re listening to music by themselves, the kind of dancing you do with wild abandon that would be fairly embarrassing if someone walked in on you. That’s why it’s secret. Obviously. Florence Welch engages in some secret dancing in the video for “Hunger.” In fact, I’ve stolen some of her moves to incorporate into my repertoire.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what my “hunger” is. A lot of my life, I’ve felt this emptiness – something Florence alludes to (I thought that love was a kind of emptiness) – but I knew I was longing for something.  It didn’t take me long to identify it. I had a lonely childhood and I carried that loneliness into adulthood, in spite of myself, no matter how hard I've tried to reach out. I’ve always wanted someone to know everything about me, someone who wanted to know everything about me.  Because I want to know everything about me. Isn’t that point of all of it – all the shadow work, all the Buzzfeed quizzes telling me which Disney princess I am (it's Belle...it's always Belle), all the journaling? Isn’t that the reason for this blog? The aching hope that someone is out there, reading, wanting to understand my madness? That’s why I write, so that whoever is out there trying to understand has something to work with. Because I want them to know.

I write about music because that’s the best way for me to cope with my life. My favorite songs are the ones that apply to something I’m going through or give me inspiration for the stories I want to write.  That’s why Florence + the Machine is my favorite artist. I feel like every lyric she writes could’ve come straight from my soul. And I’m not even sure I believe in souls (I think I do, but – shh – don’t tell The Husband). When I first heard her second album, “Ceremonials,” I became obsessed with the idea that she was a witch, too. After a while, I came to think that it was probably just projection.  That everyone who I felt intensely connected with – even if I didn’t know them personally - must be a witch, because don’t we recognize our own kind? Well, turns out I was at least sort of right. Florence Welch was on “Late Night with Seth Meyers” a couple weeks ago talking about the coven she started when she was a teenager. Learning this makes me feel so much less alone, because I was also a pretty weird kid who always wanted to start her own coven. But I’m also pretty glad I was so strange because normal is boring. In addition to “High as Hope,” Florence also released a book of poetry called “Useless Magic.” Both the album (vinyl version, of course) and the book are safely at the top of my Amazon wishlist.

Favorite Lyrics:

I thought that love was on the stage,

Giving yourself to strangers.

You don’t have to be afraid.

I also really love the following repeated verse that leads into the chorus:

Tell me what you need, Oh, you look so free!

The way you use your body, baby, Come on and work it for me.

Don’t let it get you down, You’re the best thing I’ve seen

We never found the answer but we knew one thing

We all have a hunger! (repeated x8)

"Hunger" Video

"Problem" by Natalia Kills

My little sister has good taste in music sometimes. Shhh....don't tell her I said that. She'll get a big head. But, I will admit that whenever we get together, I look through her playlist and steal the good shit - and there's usually a lot of it. True, she goes through these periods where she's obsessed with one particular band, so you'll run into deep pockets of The Beatles or The Rolling Stones (not that there's a problem with either of those), but overall, I'll find a few gems I've never heard before. Yes, my little sister is a musical influence to me. At least she doesn't like Dave Matthews Band, like my older sister (we don't speak of this....she knows she should be ashamed).

This particular song by Natalia Kills was something Vee shared on her Facebook page - which was probably not a good idea, since this is one of the dirtiest songs I've ever heard (if the grandparents knew how to use YouTube, they'd be shocked....shocked I tell ya). It's one of the reasons I like it. It's also a really good song to run to - a good beat, high energy, something to focus on while hitting the pavement. Scandalous club music is usually good running music.

So let's talk about why it's so dirty....she's basically telling some guy that she wants to fuck him. And how, in explicit detail. Pretty straightforward. But apparently she's a troublemaker and maybe this poor kid....isn't? I dunno - I'm a sucker for movies where the nerd somehow gets mixed up with the resident "bad girl." It's not as interesting when the roles are reversed, because that's somehow expected. Not that I would know - I've always played up the quiet, good girl routine. I don't think I'm a problem - well, maybe for some people. I dated a nice guy once - he said I was distracting him from doing his homework. And that's why it was only the one time.

Favorite verse:

I got your name

Hanging from my chain…

Don’t you wanna claim

My body like a vandal?

You got the cure

Underneath your shirt…

Don’t you wanna save this

Dirty little damsel?

Got my mink coat falling on the

Motel floor… you’re on the bed

Wolf whistling louder louder

Your lips smudging all my

Make up… kicking both my heels off

Come and pin me down

Anyway, the video has sort of this Bonnie & Clyde situation going on, only in reverse (as far as I can tell). It's as sexual as you would think it would be, considering the lyrics - phone sex in a public phone booth is involved. I thought that was an odd choice and I suspect that's probably why she gets arrested at the end. And she's walking around in underwear and fishnets. Public indecency. Although, it looks like the video was filmed in Atlantic City, so I don't know why they care. That place is already a shithole, a few half naked girls might make it a bit classier....

"Problem" Video

"Confident" by Demi Lovato

Okay, here's that Demi Lovato song I was talking about last week in the Paper Bag post. As I've said before, Demi Lovato recovered from an eating disorder and she also struggles with Bipolar Disorder, as well. She's done a lot of work on herself in order to be happy and accept her body the way it is - and it definitely shows. Demi did a semi-nude photo shoot once, as a way to say, "Hey! I'm beautiful and my eating disorder didn't destroy me." People gave her a lot of shit about it, because even while healthy, Demi Lovato is fairly fit. But, as an also fairly fit former-ED sufferer, I can tell you....no matter how thin/fit/beautiful you are, taking pictures and liking them - or even accepting that you don't look disgusting - is hard.

Anyway, so I got promoted at my job and I've been trying to look more professional. And yesterday, my boss gave me a compliment, to which I replied, "I'm trying." And he said "I've been noticing you've been trying a lot lately. It's good." I mean, I took the compliment and thanked him but it made me wonder....how lousy did I look before my promotion? I thought I just looked normal but apparently, at least once in a while, I looked kind of frumpy. Which I understand. I still wear no make-up most days but I always do my hair. And I'm trying to spend more on myself because I'm always telling others to "Treat Yoself!" but I hardly ever practice what I preach. I've been feeling a lot better about myself since I started doing that, so apparently that shit works. Self-care works, people!

My son - poor soul - seems to really like contemporary pop music (i.e., Taylor Swift, Meghan Trainor, Ariana Grande, etc.) so I stumbled upon "Confident" while clicking through his music videos (which have completely ruined The Husband's recommendations....so file that in the "win" pile). It's a very powerful song - Demi's been collaborating with Fall Out Boy a lot and you can definitely see the influence in the opening music. It's definitely what I'd call a "Girl Anthem" and all you ladies out there should use it as such. Just consider the words in my favorite verse:

I used to hold my freak back

Now I'm letting go

I make my own choice

Bitch, I run this show

So leave the lights on

No, you can't make me behave

Remember that everyday and you'll be good. I'm loving the video, too. Because it ends with the girls turning the tables their oppressors. In related news, I'm reading a really great book with similar themes - "Becoming Dangerous," which is a series of essays compiled by Katie West from Fiction & Feeling publishing. I highly recommend it.

"Confident" Video

"How Soon is Now" by The Smiths (as covered by Love Spit Love)

::WARNING:: This post contains frank discussion about religion, philosophy, and Jesus, in particular. It's gonna get weird. ::END::

I'm a big fan of The Smiths. Yes, even now that Morrissey has proven himself to be an absolute wanker. I read an Amazon review once for "The Queen is Dead" (which is the first vinyl I ever purchased) that said "everyone goes through a Smiths phase...some of us just never leave it." That is definitely true about me. It's why Flaca is my favorite in "Orange is the New Black"...she reminds me of me. A Latina who loves the Smiths and guys in black eyeliner. Not that those are rare - my closest girlfriend is one of these types, which is one of the reasons we're friends - but it's rare to see it on a TV show.

I've started re-watching "Charmed." Partially to get ready for the reboot, partially because I was never fully invested in watching it when it was on TV. I've seen a fair few episodes but it wasn't in order and I don't really know what the story is. Somewhere during the show (I'm not at that point yet), the opening credits song became Love Spit Love's version of "How Soon is Now." Buckle up, because I'm about to get hella philosophical....I don't mean to offend, so please don't be offended.

I've always envisioned that it was Jesus singing this song. Just a disclaimer: I have doubts that Jesus existed as a real, historical person. I can buy that he's an amalgamation of multiple historical people and that the Catholic Church combined them to make their belief system easy to digest. However, let's assume for a minute that he was a real person. I've thought about this a lot and I've come to the conclusion that....he wasn't God who became Man or Man who became God, but just a man who realized he was a god all along. That's why he was so dangerous. I came to this epiphany while reading "Stranger in a Strange Land." In the book, Valentine Michael Smith (the "Martian") interprets the concept of "God" as a verb. "He is god, She is god, Thou art god." That phrase - "Thou Art God" - became my mantra for many years. Still is, some days. 

I know some people are reading this and thinking it's blasphemy, but it's the only thing that ever made sense to me. I remember the homily a visiting priest gave at Easter Mass one year. He said that Jesus came down from "Heaven" to understand what it was like to be human. If that's true, then when he was being crucified, he had a choice - he could've totally burned the world down. Or, he understood that being human is hard - extremely hard - and could forgive us for being really fucked up. Personally, I feel like he made the wrong choice some days. And if he ever came back (if you believe in that stuff, which I don't) he would probably rectify the situation. As you can guess, I wasn't a very good Catholic. That's probably not the point the priest was trying to make at all.

Anyway, to see why I think it's being sung from the perspective of Jesus, look no further than the opening lyrics:

I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and heir

Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth

How can you say

I go about things the wrong way

I am human and I need to be loved

Just like everybody else does

It's despondent, like he is not content with his Fate (I am the son and the heir/Of nothing in particular) but then incredulous that people would question how he's going about his life (How can you say I go about things the wrong way?). Finally, he's just frustrated that people treat him like he's different, even though he has needs like everyone else (I am human and I need to be loved/Just like everybody else does). Personally, I buy into the "Jesus Christ, Superstar" version of events, which mirror what can be found in those lost Gospels people are always talking about. Mary Magdalene was his wife/girlfriend/closest confidante and he told Judas to turn him in to the authorities so he can set his plan for ascension in motion because he was fucking tired of waiting for something to happen. Another disclaimer - I haven't read those gospels in full, but I'd like to - because that version of events is more realistic than a 33-year-old virgin taking it on the chin for a bunch of ungrateful zealots because that's what he's supposed to do (which is the Catholic version of events).

In the spirit of research, I looked up the actual meaning of this song. It's about some guy with social anxiety having trouble finding a lover. It's about loneliness, essentially, and the struggle to overcome your faults in order to not be lonely anymore. Yep. Totally missed that. I'll still imagine Jesus singing it, though, because I think he'd understand that struggle. Probably more than most. Including both the Smiths version and the Love Spit Love version.  Just a heads up - The Smiths version is about 2 minutes longer.

Love Spit Love Version

The Smiths Version

"Lullaby" by The Spill Canvas

My insomnia is back with a vengeance, which is why I'm up at 3am writing. Better than laying in bed thinking, although I'm not sure keeping a public record of my half-baked thoughts is always wise. I also end up spending even more time looking for songs that are sweet and slow and do nothing to help me fall asleep. This is one of those songs. It doesn't help me sleep because I want to hear every word - I like to pretend he's singing to me. Ironically, it's named "Lullaby" but it fails as one.

As I've said before, I have too many favorite songs but I think this one might be top 10. If I had to rank my favorites, which I'd be loathe to do. I discovered The Spill Canvas during my heavy emo days, mostly because they have a lot of good "she left me for a Chad" songs. I'm pretty sure all their songs are about the same girl who broke the lead singer's heart. This is one of the few where he's like "she's an angel and I'm going to be with her forever." Poor guy. For the longest time, I thought this girl must be really beautiful and amazing (she "puts the sun to shame" in the lyrics) if he wrote a song like this about her. Now, I'm starting to realize that she's probably just an ordinary girl that he thinks is absolutely perfect.

I remember one time I was in Hastings (which is closed now....it was the only bookstore in my "home town" and now they really are dependent on Amazon for books and other good stuff) and there was this couple who were canoodling in the Horror/Sci-Fi/Fantasy section (which was my haunting ground, because it was also near the New Age/Witchcraft books). The girl was on the heavier side and I didn't think she was particularly pretty, but I thought her boyfriend was pretty attractive. I said something snarky to my dad - probably like, "how did she get a guy like that?" You know what my dad told me? It's not all about looks, Jess. That day, I realized two things - 1) I was an incredibly shallow person and, 2) I was obsessed with looks because I was insecure about myself. And when you're insecure about yourself, you have a tendency to not see the beauty in other people, because it makes you feel inferior. I don't do that anymore. If I see a couple, my first reaction now is "aww! how cute!" - not "man, that bitch looks fat in that dress." This switch in mindset also coincided with me not hating on myself as much. I think I'm happier for it.

My favorite part of this song is the bridge:

While you were sleeping, I figured out everything

I was constructed for you and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name coursin' through my veins.

You shine so bright, it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

That's an intense amount of feelings to have about a person. It reminds me of a quote from the movie "Juno":  "...the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you - the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass." This is the advice Juno's dad gives her and it's pretty sound. And, whoever Nick Thomas is singing about, it's pretty clear he thinks the sun shines out her ass and then some. How sweet. 

"Lullaby" Video

"Jessica" by The Allman Brothers Band

Today, I'm 31. Well, almost. Not until 3:45AM, which is in about 2 hours as I write this. And I feel pretty good. I treated myself to a nice, fancy new hairstyle yesterday, have a bunch of presents I bought for myself on the way, and - later today - I will finally get my first tattoo. It definitely feels different from my 21st birthday, which sucked for so many reasons that I'm not going to get into. But I definitely feel more grown up today, which I think is a good thing. One more day towards immortality. Or death. I'm not picky. Whichever comes for me. And I am still only an egg. ("Stranger in a Strange Land" reference....that book changed me in more ways than I can even explain.)

The story about today's song....pretty simple - this is the song I was named after. My dad has a habit of naming pets after whatever is on TV or the radio. He's had dogs named Pugsley (from "The Addams Family") and JR (from "Who shot JR?"). He even had a fluffy white cat named Cocaine - which sounds very rockstar but it just happened that a PSA for cocaine addiction was on TV that day. Fast forward to my birth. My parents are discussing what to name me. If it was up to my mom, my name would be an alliteration, like both my sisters' names are (i.e., their first and last names start with the same letter). My dad turned on the TV and it was a broadcast of a Madonna concert. Uh oh! Yes, folks, I was almost named Madonna. In hindsight, I don't think that would've been all that bad. It certainly would've been more unique. However, he decided against that idea and instead, turned off the TV and switched on the radio. "Jessica" by The Allman Brothers was on and, thus, a legend was born.

Being the virulent individualist that I am, you'd think it would annoy me that I have the same name as like 10% of the girls born in the 80s have....but you'd be wrong. I actually really like my name. I think it suits me. Also, whenever you meet another Jessica, you always have a friend. It's like a bond, a sisterhood of Jessica's. I have had more friends named "Jessica" then you can shake a stick at - but they were all some of the most awesome people I have ever met. I don't think that's a coincidence.

"Jessica" is an instrumental, and I'm not usually a big fan of those, but this song is an exception. From what I hear, it's the hardest song to play on Guitar Hero - and it was the theme song for "Top Gear (U.K.), which happens to be a favorite show of mine. I'm a car person - I may not know how to fix a car beyond changing the oil, but I know my supercars from my muscle cars, my hatchbacks from my caravans, my Lambo's from my Bugatti's. If I win the lottery, I'll be in trouble, because the list of cars I would like to own is about a mile long. Just so I can look at them and rub the interior every once in a while. Who knows? I may just go crazy and buy myself an Alfa Romeo for my birthday. You don't need to tell me....I already know that's probably a bad idea. But what is life if you don't go a little crazy every so often?

"Jessica" Video

"American Boys" by Halestorm

Happy Independence Day y'all! And a very happy birthday to Steve Rogers (i.e., Captain America)! It was almost my birthday, too. My mom started having contractions on the way to the fireworks in California but it turned out to be a false alarm. Speaking of American Boys, Chris Evans ain't too shabby. In fact, pretty much all the Marvel men are attractive....

As you may have figured out, I'm terminally boy crazy. Judging by this song, I think Lzzy Hale shares my affliction. But she does have a point. American boys do have that something about them. Don't get me wrong - I love me an Irish brogue, passionate Italian men, and the cool confidence of the average French dude. But I'd take a small town boy with a Texas twang any day, hands down. Unfortunately, a lot of these types are very conservative, which means they probably wouldn't touch me with a 10-foot-pole....well, maybe they would touch me, but they certainly wouldn't want to talk to me. I also tend to gravitate towards the metalheads and punks, who seem more able to keep up with my madness. Bonus points if they wear leather jackets - looking effortlessly cool is such a lost art....

One of my favorite memories in college was going to the football games with one particular friend. She was super conservative (she had several Ann Coulter books) but we bonded over our love of horror movies and boys, so we didn't talk politics all that much. I was also able to stay reasonably neutral and cool-headed when politics did come up back then so we became pretty close over the summer we were working together. Anyway, we were both boy crazy so we'd go to the games and just point out all the hot guys. We didn't even watch the games most of the time, only the football players. Eventually, we came to the conclusion that boy watching should be an Olympic sport - a team sport, where one person is the spotter (which was usually me) and one is the verifier (usually her). I know - so terrible, objectifying these poor young men but guys do it all the time, so I don't feel too bad. We never rated them (because that's mean), just acknowledged that they were attractive and then moved on. 

I can't really do this nowadays, at least not outside of my head. Mostly because my friends are usually coworkers and a large proportion of them are men. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I have a really bad habit of doing that. I remember shopping with a friend once at a video store and I was pointing out all the celebrities I thought were hot. Yeah, he told me he felt like crap afterward - even though I wasn't comparing him to any of them - so I learned my lesson. Boys have body hangups, too. Especially American boys. Yeah, I know this rant had nothing to do with Independence Day. There's a reason for that - I'd rather not get controversial when everyone's enjoying their day off. I'll save my political rants for another day. Happy July 4th!

"American Boys" Video

"Fancy" by Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX

The Husband hates this song, but I love it so I play it every day. In fact, he's probably super annoyed that I'm blasting it on repeat now. Whatever...he has noise cancelling headphones. The toddler didn't like it either at first but now I got him dancing all crazy with his Mama whenever it's playing. Also, Iggy Azalea is a blonde, so he's into it. I don't know about that kid...Charli XCX is more my type. Trust me, he'll learn eventually that brunettes are the best.

Let's talk about this song. Iggy is basically saying, "I know I'm a little bit extra but that's what makes me awesome." As someone who is also "fancy," I'm really feeling that today. I got a lot done even though, technically, it was kind of a down day at my work due to the holiday. I was seriously killing it - I was banging out tasks I've been putting off, my cyber discussion game was on point, and I felt super charismatic which meant I was talking to everyone and just generally enjoying life. I was being my best self, not giving a fuck what anybody thought because I was doing my own thing, and it felt great. Now, I just gotta keep that mindset everyday. Film star, yeah I'm deluxe. Classic, expensive, you don't get to touch. Ow! Those are my favorite lyrics in the song, if you couldn't tell.

The video is a parody of "Clueless," which is a just a 90s re-make of the timeless Jane Austen novel, "Emma." I went through a phase where Jane Austen was my favorite author - and that made me so much better than everyone else. As the only 11-year-old who read - not just one - but TWO Jane Austen novels, I felt like that made me a badass. "Oh, you haven't read 'Pride & Prejudice'? Get away from me, peasant." Just kidding! But seriously, it was worth 25 points in the Accelerated Reader program, which meant I met my quota for the year in one go. As any true millennial girl, I love the movie "Clueless." Who didn't fall in love with Paul Rudd in that film? If you didn't, you have no taste - I'm still kind of crushing on him and he's like 50 now. Although, he's considerably more scruffy these days and that certainly helps.

Aside from being a brilliant adaptation of a classic story, "Clueless" showcased the pinnacle of 90s fashion, which the "Fancy" video expertly mirrors. OH! The yellow plaid suit - true story, I had a friend in high school who actually had this outfit and wore it pretty regularly. In fact, she kind of looked like Iggy Azalea, to be honest. Coincidence?! Yeah...probably....The crop tops - I have a lot of these still and don't wear them near enough....too self-conscious but the wanna-obliques are coming along so maybe I'll have a little bit of courage later this summer. And who can forget wearing knee-high socks with everything, including gym clothes. I'm not sure this trend should be brought back or if I'm the right person to do it. Maybe for Halloween. Video below.

"Fancy" Video

"Wolves" by Selena Gomez and Marshmello

I'm only slightly embarrassed to say I like Selena Gomez. True, her earlier stuff is....not good. Although "Love You Like A Love Song" is a favorite guilty pleasure of mine, I can readily admit that it is not creative gold. But a lot of her new stuff has been really good. There's another song I'd like to write about, perhaps in a month or two (I hate repeating artists, if you couldn't tell) but I've been wanting to write about "Wolves" for a while now. I'll get into why in a minute. However, I have pinpointed why her songs have been so good lately - she's writing them herself. Okay - a lot of them are collaborative. She's a lyric writer - not a musician - so understandably, she needs someone (in this case, the band Marshmello) to figure out the right musical notes to put with her lyrics. But the words are all hers and it feels so much more raw and genuine.

As you may be aware - even if you don't follow pop culture - Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have been in an on-again-off-again relationship for like 10 years. Since they were super young, and when you're young, 10 years is a long time to be hung up on someone. But they can't stay away from each other. Perhaps I'm romanticizing, but the Universe must think they belong to each other. But he still needs to figure himself out and she needs to stop wanting to fix him. When you listen to the lyrics, you can tell she still loves that damn Bieber kid....for some reason. And, yes, every song she writes is about him, to him, for him. That's why they feel so honest.

I also love the imagery she uses. I flip between favorite animals - this week it's a fox, now it's an owl - but I consistently always love wolves. I think something in me identifies with them, for some reason (naturally, I'm House Stark). Popular culture has galvanized in our mind that wolves are loners, but they're not - they need their pack or they won't survive. I'm pretty sure that's why she chose the wolf as the symbol for this song. Although, I'm not sure why she said she's running through the jungle - wolves typically live in forests and grasslands. It was probably an artistic choice but that doesn't mean I agree with it.

Let's talk about the video. First, it's in a poorly lighted indoor pool. Second, holy crap is it sexy - but it's unintentionally sexy. I mean, yes, I'm pretty sure Selena is trying to seduce someone behind the camera (::cough:: Justin ::cough::) - which makes me super uncomfortable because she has such a sweet, childish face. I know that's unfair - she's only a few years younger than me, but it's hard for me not to remember her as a sarcastic teen in "Wizards of Waverly Place." Even though she does look very seductive, there's also a kind of sad desperation in it, too. Perhaps that's what makes me all squirmy - I feel so bad for the pain and longing she's feeling. I just wanna wrap her up in a big hug and say "Dollface, he doesn't deserve you...."

Additionally, this video has some serious fashion moments. Normally, I'd be bitching that she's writhing on the wet ground in a $4000 Versace dress, but I'll make an exception. Just this one time though. I would totally steal the red bra/suit combination and the fluffy lingerie/pool wrap that she wears. I know those are bad descriptions - you'll understand when you watch the video. Of course, Selena looks beautiful the entire time, even though I don't like the wet hair look (because it looks like you're not fucking trying). Also, could someone explain to me why she disappears all creepy at the end of the video? Is she supposed to be a ghost? Oh. My. Gawd. That would just make too much sense! I know that's the kind of ghost I would want to be - the sexy/beautiful ghost lady who haunts a high school gym....

"Wolves" Video

"Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple

::WARNING:: I used to have an eating disorder. I got help when I was going to school but it's always there in the back of my mind. I'm going to be talking about my experiences, which may trigger anyone who is not as advanced in their recovery as I am. Please know your limits and do what you need to do to stay on your path. ::END WARNING::

When I was starting to fall into the hole that was EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) - which is now OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder) in the DSM IV - I used to browse pro-Ana and pro-Mia sites to find thin-speration - which, if you couldn't figure it out, is inspiration to be thin. Being a more auditory person, I usually looked through the playlists and ED-inspired music section on these sites. I found some great music during this time. A lot of Silverchair ("Ana's Song"), some Jill Sobule ("Lucy at the Gym" - which I would translate to French in my head sometimes - and "Supermodel") and a metric fuck ton of Fiona Apple.

I love Fiona Apple. I would go so far as to say she's one of my favorite artists - definitely up there with Florence Welch and Gerard Way. She is the soundtrack to my crazy days. True story - I had a quarter life crisis when I was 18, right when I got to college. I have one of these every couple of years - it's how my psyche keeps me on my toes and purges the madness. During that time, I chopped off my long dark hair (it turned out okay, because short hair apparently looks really good on me), started going out to party with my friends (usually at the gay club in El Paso, The OP - we saw Boy George DJ there once....he looked sick....like he'd been on cocaine, which he was at the time), and listened to "Fast as You Can" on repeat. In fact, I learned how to put out a match with my tongue because Fiona does it in the "Fast as You Can" video. Seriously, ask to see it one day - it really doesn't hurt that much. But I have a high pain tolerance and self-destructive tendencies. Enter EDNOS.

There's a lot of reasons why I developed an eating disorder. It's not all "poor little rich girl" syndrome, although I kinda feel like there was a touch of that. I think a lot of it was that I felt un-lovable and didn't deserve to be loved anyway, so I might as well waste away. I ate very little (600-800 calories a day, max) and sometimes, threw up what I did eat. I learned to love the pain of hunger and hated feeling full. When I ate too much, I would imagine I could cut out my stomach and empty it, like a bucket. It was comforting. I still imagine this sometimes - dissecting my body to get rid of the dark, disgusting parts. That's what you need to understand - it doesn't go away. Ever. It just gets easier to handle, easier to ignore. 

But some things really trigger it. Right before I found out I was pregnant, I noticed I was gaining weight. And I panicked and stopped eating breakfast, which made me feel even more nauseous. I was tired all the time and didn't feel like going running, so what else could I do? When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I felt so guilty and I vowed to just eat whenever and whatever I needed to while still being healthy. But then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and for the first two weeks, before I could take the nutrition course, the specialist put me on a very restrictive diet. Even after I told her I had struggled with an eating disorder in the past. I didn't know what I could eat and I was paralyzed. So paralyzed, I almost didn't want to eat at all. Luckily, the nutrition class taught me how to figure out what I could get away with and it got easier. Being pregnant is a special kind of Hell for those of us who are recovered/recovering from an ED - luckily, the internet is filled with supportive people who understand and have been through it before. But it's still this demon that follows me around.

I never weighed myself at home after getting treatment - only at the doctor's office. My husband put batteries in the scale recently and he's placed it on a specific tile right in front of the sink. When it was in the closet, I never thought of it. Now, every morning, I have convince myself that I don't need to see how much I weigh. That I should trust what I see in the mirror (which I actually really like now) and how my clothes fit. In the back of my mind, though, part of me wishes I could reach my lowest weight and beyond. When I looked like Skeletor. 

I've never put these thoughts down before but it has helped. You know what also helps - knowing that other people have been through it, too. Like Fiona Apple and Demi Lovato. Demi actually has a song that I want to write about, maybe next week, which is where I hope I am in my recovery. No, it is where I am. Just gotta keep saying that over and over. I'm better and I'm going to stay better. For my sake.

Now, as for the song - "Paper Bag" was a common one on the pro-Ana sites because the chorus says that "hunger hurts, but starving works." Keep going! No one can kill you like you can! So fucking inspirational. That's not even what the song is about. It's about Fiona being in love with a guy who isn't strong enough to deal with her bullshit. In order to get over him, she's trying to stay away - she's "starving" herself of him. It's a personal favorite of mine, because the lyrics are just so honest and genuine. Here's the chorus:

Hunger hurts,

And I want him so bad

Oh, it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess

He don't want to clean up.

I've got to fold

'Cause these hands are too shaky to hold.

Hunger hurts,

But starving works

When it costs too much to love.

Fiona looks beautiful in the video. The cinematography is reminiscent of a 1930s musical. It's funny, I didn't even realize her backup dancers were young boys at first because Fiona Apple is so tiny. She's barely taller than me, and I'm super short. Anyway, sorry for the heavy. I'm trying to keep the self-reflective, serious stuff to Sundays. Any more is too much, I think. 

"Paper Bag" Video