"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

Happy Belated Bastille Day! As you may have guessed from my greeting, I intended to publish this yesterday but I was hit by a wave a fatigue and I decided to rest instead of write. It's not all the baby's fault. To be honest, it's mostly mine. It feels as if I have more work to do when I'm teleworking and I don't have that hard "stop" at the end of the day anymore. Being at home, I also feel obligated to stop whatever I'm doing to either parent/play with my child or clean during my breaks - and the cleaning imperative has gotten more urgent the longer I'm stuck at home. Also, my husband has my son and I on lockdown, so I don't even get to go on grocery trips anymore. And I enjoy those grocery shopping excursions. So, if I'm tired, it's because I'm doing too much and not taking enough time for self-care, as perusual. Trying to settle into a new routine but struggling with feeling guilty for taking time to myself? Yeah - sounds like Cancer season, alright.

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that

I hold resentment for you

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know

Just how capable I am to pull through

So I want to say thank you

"Fighter" recounts Christina Aguilera's epic showdown against Spider Pig. "What?!" You may ask. Of course I'm making that up - I'm sure it's about some narcissist Christina encountered during her climb to fame, but I prefer the meaning my husband gave this song. It's kind of a ridiculous story but my husband's phone playlist contains both this song and the Spider Pig theme from "The Simpsons." Due to random chance, we were driving somewhere one day and these two songs play back-to-back. We got to talking about how Christina Aguilera looks like a comic book villain in the video. And, thus, Christina Aguilera became Spider Pig's archnemesis. We gave her a whole back story and everything. Believe me - Spider Pig did Christina way dirty. Anyway, it's hard to hear this song without giving it that context in my mind.

Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing

Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game

I heard you're goin' round playin', the victim now

But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanting to haunt me

But that won't work anymore, no more,

It's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down

So I want to say thank you

A few weeks ago, I mentioned a lot of superheroes were born during Cancer season, which led me to develop a theory as to why Cancerians serve as the Superhero Archetype. Sailor Moon - a show which revolved around astrology - made the leader/ruler of the Sailor Scouts a Cancer. Usagi Tsukino (or Serena, in the American version - and, yes, at one point, I did know all the Sailor Scouts Japanese names) had many faults - she was whiny as shit, boy crazy, was always eating, and was often moping over some perceived slight. But, as she developed as a character, she did come to embody the Evolved Cancer energy, which I'll describe later on. Other superheroes follow similar arcs or come ready made in this archetype - Ray Palmer, the Atom and ultimate Good Guy; Mary Marvel; Johnny Thunder; and even Superman was adopted by the Kents during Cancer season. It's also interesting how many actors who often specialize in playing the "hero" are Cancers - a non-exhaustive list includes Harrison Ford, Vin Diesel, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Sylvester Stallone, Chris Pratt, Patrick Stewart, Olivia Munn, and Milo Ventimiglia. Key historic events - especially those with revolutionary fervor, like Bastille Day and the 4th of July - occur during Cancer season. And let's not forget Captain America himself - Steve Rogers - is a Cancer and will serve as our primary example of the Superhero Archetype. So what is it about Cancerians that lends itself to superhero status?

Cardinal signs in general tend to be sensitive to injustice. However, unlike other Cardinal signs, Cancers have a tendency to be like, "Fuck your rules, this is wrong at the most basic level." Aries has a tendency to say "Fuck your rules" because it violates their own sense of independence. Libras have a tendency to go along with the rules to avoid conflict, while secretly opposing/undermining them. Capricorn, Cancer's opposite, comes from the perspective of "this is wrong because it violates the rules" - being ruled by Saturn, this sign has a complicated relationship with authority - they are more likely to argue against war crimes based on what the Geneva Convention says, not based on the damage it does to the individuals and communities impacted. The thing about opposites is they are often trying to accomplish similar things using different methods. When it comes to the Cancer-Capricorn axis, it's an Emotional approach vs a Logical approach. Cancers, in general, don't have a reputation for being rebellious. That being said, you press the wrong nerve or mess with the wrong person, and their tendency towards chaotic good comes out.

How could this man I thought I knew

Turn out to be unjust so cruel

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to know the truth

You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself

Through living in denial

But in the end you'll see

You won't stop me

I've compiled a brief list of typical Cancerian attributes and how those reflect what society expects of a superhero:

• Cancerians have a fierce protective instinct over those who are unable (or need help) to defend themselves. Superheroes are meant to defend the weak and unheard. Cancerians tend to have an inflamed sense of justice - and will take action if it is in their power. And they have no qualms about putting themselves in danger to fight the good fight. Famous Cancerians - such as Frida Kahlo and Lena Horne - used their notoriety to bring attention and assist those in need. Lena Horne was active in the Civil Rights Movement and during WWII, refused to do USO performances for segregated audiences. Steve Rogers fucking jumps on a (fake) grenade to protect his fellow soldiers, which is the catalyst for him being selected to become Captain America. However, in real life, that shit is dangerous and stupid - and as a Cancer, I know I've done similar things in the service of Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love (Moulin Rouge reference). Maybe not as dangerous, but definitely as stupid.
• Cancerians are loyal - sometimes to a fault. We see this in Steve Rogers relationship with Bucky Barnes. Bucky did terrible things as a Soviet asset - but Steve still saw the good in him and refused to give up on him, even when Bucky was kicking his ass. There's this amazing YouTube analysis of the final fight scene in "Winter Soldier," explaining that the only reason Cap was fighting Bucky was to protect others. When he succeeded in this mission, he would've let Bucky kill him and it's this willingness to sacrifice his life to avoid hurting Bucky that ultimately broke the Soviet programming controlling the Winter Soldier.
• Evolved Cancerians understand and honor boundaries, although it may take them some time to do this for themselves. This is a fine line to walk, because Cancer - like fellow water signs Pisces and Scorpio - has issues with boundaries. They often cross them in an effort to protect or help others; and they'll often allow others violate their boundaries out of a misplaced fear that enforcing boundaries is unkind. Due to these issues, they'll let toxic people into their lives and will let them stay for a long time - until they learn to find the balance and protect themselves. Then, Cancer becomes an expert at loving and respecting people from a distance. It's a hard lesson to learn - to care for someone so much yet also understand that they can't be in your life for some reason. When Tony Stark cut ties with Steve after learning what Bucky did while he was being mind-controlled, it hurt Steve immensely. But he accepted that Stark needed space to heal. And that's what Cancers are good at - holding emotional space for others.
• Cancerians may move on, but they don't let go. The line which struck me most in "Avengers: End Game" was during the scene where Cap is leading a grief support group. Cap tells the attendees that "You just gotta move on." Then he repeats it quietly to himself. It struck me because - although he has adapted to life as a man displaced in time - he never fully let go of the hope that he'd be with Peggy Carter someday. Cancers are excellent at this. They can go through the motions and even find some semblance of happiness after a tragic event. But, in their heart of hearts, they still cling to the past and the hope that the perfect life they envisioned will someday come to fruition. They are idealists and romantics to the extreme. They are just really good at keeping that part of themselves secret from others.
• Cancerians are empathetic. They understand emotions and relationships at a deeper level than other astrological signs. As a result, they tend to reserve judgement. They may disagree with your opinions or beliefs, but they'll genuinely try to understand where you're coming from. Cancers have a reputation of being the Nice Guy or Good Girl of the zodiac - it's not undeserved. Evolved Cancerians tend to be "evolved" because they've faced some sort of hardship in their life. Because of these experiences, they try to keep in mind that everyone has their own story and pain to deal with. As such, characters like Ray Palmer and Steve Rogers tend to be the epitome of what a "good person" should be like. Kind, respectful, calm, friendly, protective, generous, and always willing to help someone in need. In other words, all the positive traits that Cancer energy embodies.

That's it for now. Thanks for reading this blatant Cancer stan post. You're picturing Spider Pig, aren't you? I told you - that guy is a fucking bastard for what he did to Christina.

"Fighter" Video

"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

I was talking to my coworker a couple days ago and he was asking me about how my pregnancy is going. I told him when I was due, which reminded me that I'm due almost exactly two weeks after the My Chemical Romance concert I bought tickets for. Mind you, I bought them before I found out I was pregnant. And before we all knew how bad this pandemic was going to be (and it looks like we've all resigned ourselves to it being worse than it had to be). In preparation for this concert, I've been trying to catch up on all MCR's albums and get familiar with the songs that came out when I stopped listening to them so much. Like everyone, I got into MCR after the release of "Three Cheers for Sweet Romance." This was the second studio album for the band and - fun fact - we very recently passed the 16th anniversary of its release (on 8 June). I've taken to listening to music while I'm taking a shower on the weekends (I usually can't do that most days because I'm taking a shower at like 4am). This album got me through a lot of hard times - moving my senior year of high school, a rough relationship with my mom, and starting university with all my various hangups and insecurities. True, I started listening to MCR because I thought Gerard Way was hot and I like the aesthetics, but I stayed because they created truly great music. Only bands who created truly great music can launch a reunion tour and get so much enthusiasm back. Especially bands that were popular in the early 2000s - as we've discussed, the early 2000s was a rough time for music.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

But she could try

So what is unique about MCR's music that makes them stand out amongst the dozens of emo bands that arose during that time period? First, they didn't just embrace a dark aesthetic - they embodied it. Their songs were extremely deep and dealt with painful topics - suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, lost loves, and just generally feeling like a freak. A lot of these bands were fronted-by (and/or were completely composed of) what I deemed "pretty boys." MCR was not. Don't get me wrong, the guys were attractive but it was obvious they were no strangers to the punk/goth aesthetic and this was a result of having a really difficult time in high school. Gerard Way was a pull for many teenage girls, like myself, but when he was in high school, he was bullied. He was the weird, chubby kid who was always drawing dark comics. All the things Ray Toro listed in the beginning of the "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" video, that was Gerard Way in a nutshell. Moving on, the second thing that makes the music unique is, not only did they know how to play their instruments, they knew how to play them well. There's a level of complexity in MCR songs that you just don't see in other punk/emo music. These guys aren't just playing the same four chords. They wanted the music to be dramatic, operatic storytelling, a perspective they learned from early influences like David Bowie and Queen. In addition to that, they understood the power of visuals - not just in the album artwork but also in the lyrics. Finally, they weren't afraid to add things to the music that weren't necessarily "pretty" - weird vocals, nonsensical drum and guitar solos, and even unusual musical styles (like bringing in Western-style tropes for multiple songs on "Three Cheers") were a normal part of their repertoire. As a result, almost every MCR song feels and sounds unique. From the start, it was clear they weren't manufactured and that was one of the biggest draws for fans.

Ever

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

I was listening to "The Ghost of You" in the shower and was thinking about it, what it reminds me of. The video for this song takes place during WWII, on D-Day. The story in the video is especially sad, because Mikey dies (Mikey and Gerard are brothers). However, I think they took a lot of their inspiration from "Saving Private Ryan," where the whole point is to prevent the last brother in a family from dying in WWII, and wiping out an entire family line. Taking the WWII thing a step further, I started thinking of one of my favorite Marvel superheroes - Captain America - which started into a rant about how he embodies the master archetype of evolved Cancerian energy. When I started thinking about that, I started noting how many heroes are Cancers. This isn't a coincidence - artists and writers aren't just like "this guys should be born in July." There is something powerful about this archetype that draws people towards it. It's also a very polarizing energy - you either love it or hate it - and Cancer, along with Geminis and Scorpios (Yay! My Big 3...), get probably the most hate among people who don't understand how astrology works. I'll explore this at a later date, probably closer to my birthday, and I specifically wanted to use Steve Rogers as the example. Bringing that back around, I started thinking about Captain America because this song embodies his relationship with Peggy Carter. They don't even get to have a first date and explore the connection they have because the mission comes first. They are separated for decades and, even though he tries to move on, he just can't. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he needs to do to save the world. Once the mission is over, ::Spoiler Alert:: he uses the first opportunity he gets to go back to her and give her the life they both deserved together.

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

I meant to write this earlier but I slept all day yesterday. Or sort of slept - a lot of the time was spent lying there, trying to will myself to move but failing. Wanting to be held but not knowing how to ask for it. I only got up because I remembered that I should probably eat because I hadn't eaten all day and that isn't good for the baby. That seems like the only reason I've been eating lately. If I wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't be eating at all to be honest. I just don't feel like it most days and if I try to eat, I can't bring myself to eat as much as I normally would. I didn't want to laze about all day but I thought to myself "it's okay...for one day, it's okay to give in." I don't feel much better today but I am writing so that's a start. That's the good thing - I still have flashes of inspiration, where these beautiful sentences will come in my head. And I'll have enough energy to write them down or text them to myself. That's one thing that's been really remarkable about this time - I'm thinking and writing more clearly than I ever have. I'm actually able to translate the swirls of information in my head into something coherent and somewhat creative. I've written some surprisingly beautiful things in the past few weeks - I thought they were shit at the time but when I re-read them, I realize they're actually pretty good. Almost like I'm not the one who wrote them. But I did. I miss my sisters a lot, especially my older sister. Luckily, she set up a family chat for today, so I'm looking forward to that. That's just how it's going to be for now - keep holding on for that next thing that brings me joy. Push through and keep writing, even when it sounds like mud in my head.

"The Ghost of You" Video

"American Boys" by Halestorm

Happy Independence Day y'all! And a very happy birthday to Steve Rogers (i.e., Captain America)! It was almost my birthday, too. My mom started having contractions on the way to the fireworks in California but it turned out to be a false alarm. Speaking of American Boys, Chris Evans ain't too shabby. In fact, pretty much all the Marvel men are attractive....

As you may have figured out, I'm terminally boy crazy. Judging by this song, I think Lzzy Hale shares my affliction. But she does have a point. American boys do have that something about them. Don't get me wrong - I love me an Irish brogue, passionate Italian men, and the cool confidence of the average French dude. But I'd take a small town boy with a Texas twang any day, hands down. Unfortunately, a lot of these types are very conservative, which means they probably wouldn't touch me with a 10-foot-pole....well, maybe they would touch me, but they certainly wouldn't want to talk to me. I also tend to gravitate towards the metalheads and punks, who seem more able to keep up with my madness. Bonus points if they wear leather jackets - looking effortlessly cool is such a lost art....

One of my favorite memories in college was going to the football games with one particular friend. She was super conservative (she had several Ann Coulter books) but we bonded over our love of horror movies and boys, so we didn't talk politics all that much. I was also able to stay reasonably neutral and cool-headed when politics did come up back then so we became pretty close over the summer we were working together. Anyway, we were both boy crazy so we'd go to the games and just point out all the hot guys. We didn't even watch the games most of the time, only the football players. Eventually, we came to the conclusion that boy watching should be an Olympic sport - a team sport, where one person is the spotter (which was usually me) and one is the verifier (usually her). I know - so terrible, objectifying these poor young men but guys do it all the time, so I don't feel too bad. We never rated them (because that's mean), just acknowledged that they were attractive and then moved on. 

I can't really do this nowadays, at least not outside of my head. Mostly because my friends are usually coworkers and a large proportion of them are men. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I have a really bad habit of doing that. I remember shopping with a friend once at a video store and I was pointing out all the celebrities I thought were hot. Yeah, he told me he felt like crap afterward - even though I wasn't comparing him to any of them - so I learned my lesson. Boys have body hangups, too. Especially American boys. Yeah, I know this rant had nothing to do with Independence Day. There's a reason for that - I'd rather not get controversial when everyone's enjoying their day off. I'll save my political rants for another day. Happy July 4th!

"American Boys" Video