Thoughts on "Sk8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne

I'm going to warn you right now - this is not going to be the most important music post ever written. Honestly, it's kind of frivolous and stupid but I feel like we all need something lighthearted right now. And I literally couldn't sleep last night because these thoughts were stuck in my head. Now, there are three chief arguments I'm going to make here that have been bugging the shit out of me.

First, I think we can all agree - the song is a parable about not judging a book by its cover and you should get to know people before passing judgement. Blah blah blah. I'm all for that, in theory. However, there's a lot of research that says otherwise - how people perceive you is quite indicative of your trajectory in life. The truth is, my friends, "Sk8er Boi" is the exception, not the rule. All the skater boys I went to high school with were losers and stoners (and I say that as girl who often had crushes on these types of guys). And - guess what - I would say that most of them, a decade later, are still losers and stoners. Okay, I'm sure some of them went to college and/or have a decent job now but based on what I know from Facebook, not many went that route. And exactly 0% of them became famous rock stars. And, guess what fellas - a girl turning you down because she doesn't think you can provide/support the life she wants for herself is a perfectly legitimate reason to say "see ya later, boy." In fact, in my old age, I'm starting to think that is exactly what people should be doing when evaluating potential partners. Does this person share my values? Will s/he support the goals I have in my life? Does this person meet my needs as a lover? Do we both see the same future for ourselves? Which brings me to my next point....

He was a skater boy

She said, "see you later, boy"

He wasn't good enough for her

She had a pretty face

But her head was up in space

She needed to come back down to earth

This whole unhappy life that the girl supposedly has after high school is a figment of Avril Lavigne's imagination. She assumes that this woman would still want a guy she had a fleeting crush on after several years without contact, a marriage, and a child. Heck, we don't even know what this rockstar looks like. I've had many a crush on guys only to look back and ask myself, "Was I high? Or just really horny?" Contrary to popular belief, just being a rockstar doesn't automatically make you hot. It might help, for some ladies, but fame has its limits. In all likelihood, when she saw him on TV, she probably was like, "Good for him - sure, I'll support an old classmate." It sounds like this woman probably moved on and continued to live her life in a way that she wanted. Good for her. Also, I kind of resent how negatively motherhood is portrayed in this song. Like it's a sad Fate, a punishment she deserves for being judgmental in the past. No! I've been that mom at home feeding the baby all alone and I was - Gasp! - happy to do it. Because not everyone believes that motherhood is a punishment that happens to women with no hopes and dreams. Sometimes, it's actually a key part of their future aspirations. And it also implies that she's unhappy with her husband and would rather be married to a rockstar. But, let me remind you, Avril probably never met this woman, probably doesn't even know what she looks like, and she's making up a story in her head. This is a coping mechanism. What she's doing is projecting an unhappy life on a stranger in order to make herself feel more secure in her relationship. Why does she need to do that? On to point number three.

Sorry, girl, but you missed out

Well, tough, luck that boy's mine now

We are more than just good friends

This is how the story ends

Too bad that you couldn't see

See the man that boy could be

There is more that meets the eye

I see the soul that is inside

Finally, if a dude is still writing songs about a girl who turned him down for a date after five years, that should be a red flag for you. It means he's clearly not over her or, at the very least, is carrying some deep insecurities about worthiness. It also sounds like the story is one-sided - if the girl never told anyone, how can we really be sure that "secretly she wanted him as well." It sounds like this is a story his ego told him in order to keep him from really going off the deep end after being rejected. In fact, judging by the lyrics, it almost seems as if he became a rockstar just to impress/get back at this elusive high school hot girl. If she walked into his life suddenly - for example, after a concert he's very conveniently playing in their hometown - he might even jump at the opportunity to be with her, even if it's only for a night. Seriously?! How is this petty high school interaction so important that his "girlfriend" is singing a song about it? That seems as if he brings it up a lot more often than in a brief discussion about past relationships (and let's be clear - he was never in a relationship with this girl). In these cases, the current girlfriend isn't much more than a placeholder and the feelings aren't as mutual as she thinks they are. He's clearly holding onto baggage. Let him deal with his issues on his own.

Finally, as much as I loved Avril Lavigne in high school, I really fucking hate how she spelled the title of this song. It's lame. And for the record, her debut album had way better songs on it than this one. I don't know why it suddenly got under my skin this week, it just did. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this episode of "Jess Way Overthinks the Meaning to Terrible Songs."

"Sk8er Boi" Video

"Baby" by Clean Bandit feat. MARINA and Luis Fonsi

I haven't been writing much. Not surprisingly, current circumstances aren't the most inspiring. I haven't even been journaling, despite the thoughts and emotions that have been whizzing around my mind. They'll circle back again. People have been reporting random bouts of weeping and, I must admit, I've had my moments of this, too. It's grief. We're grieving. We're all experiencing a collective, traumatic event. There are parts of our lives that will never return to normal and for some people, the prospect of never seeing loved ones again is very real at the moment. It's okay to feel moments of extreme anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, and even anger. For a lot of people, the precarious nature of their lives and routines have been cast in stark relief against a bleak reality. The People in Charge either clearly don't know what they're doing or have been revealed as more morally corrupt than we could've imagined. And yet, they're still in charge. Throughout all of this runs a pervasive obsession of what happens "after." At least, it does for me. I have an unerring faith that I probably won't die. No, this isn't how or when I go, I'm very certain. Perhaps that's foolish because I also believe that the worst is yet to come in the US. And I'm not even talking about just the virus. I'll keep my predictions to myself but I don't think any of this is going to end quickly or pretty.

Guess I had my last chance

And now this is our last dance

You fell through the cracks in my hands

Tell myself be stronger

My heart's like a rubber band

And it's such a shame

You'll always be the one who got away

We both know that deep down you feel the same

Hard to say it's over

But I'm already someone else's (C'mon)

I have this place I go in my dreams. It's been showing up more recently in the last couple years. It's a town by the sea, arranged against a cliffside, like towns on the coast of the Mediterranean. Think Positano, Italy, or the Amalfi Coast in Greece. The buildings are very colorful and even have a Dr. Seuss-like quality, all curves and twists. The roads are narrow, barely big enough for a Vespa or perhaps a really small car going one way. As such, the inhabitants of this town walk everywhere. It's not a very big town but it does have a lot of layers and to traverse the town, you have to walk up a lot of steep roads and staircases. My imagination probably pulled that from my rompings around Bisbee when I was younger. Every window has a flower box and the edges of the streets are dotted with wild roses and Cyprus trees. At the top of the cliff is a very expensive and fancy restaurant, where I've had a few dinners. Sometimes it's Italian food, other times it's French - although, truthfully, it probably changes with whatever fancy dish I saw on Instagram that day. There's a luxury ferry you can take a ride on for tours of the bay and even get lunch, if you're so inclined. And of course, at the base of this town is a white sandy beach that fades into the clearest blue ocean. These dreams aren't frequent - maybe one every couple of months. I mention it now because my most recent dream of this magical sanctuary was a few weeks ago, before everything seemed to spiral. Only this time, it was different. The town, which had always seemed bustling and full of life before, was empty. All the lights were off and I spent most of the dream banging on doors, desperately trying to bring the town back to life again. I couldn't, though. Dreams always make sense in hindsight.

Wish I met you at another place and time

If only, if only you were mine

This love story ends for you and I

'Cause I'm already someone else's

Baby, ahh (Contigo otra vez)

Baby, ahh (Mereces mucho mejor, mucho mejor)

Baby, ahh (Lo que tienes con ella, no es amor)

I'm already someone else's

The song isn't related to anything. It just makes me happy. It makes me think of a passionate, yet doomed romance (which all the best romances are). I heard it during a fan made YouTube video for some Turkish romance movie, the plot of which involved a university professor falling in love with one of his students. Judging from the video, it looks like he dies in a hail of bullets. No idea why, things started out innocently enough. Anyway, the song is about meeting the right person at the wrong time. Even though you want to do something about it, you know you shouldn't. Fodder for all the best poetry. It's Latin-influenced but it does sound vaguely Middle Eastern. But then, of course, Spain has a strong Moorish history, so we already know the styles blend well. It's one of the reasons I really like Shakira - she weaved her Lebanese heritage into her music so flawlessly. Watching her perform live was pretty amazing. This song is lively and I'd like to imagine there is a pair of young lovers somewhere, dancing in the living room of their tiny apartment with wild abandon, while the world goes to shit right outside their door. In the meantime, when I'm not listening to happy dance music, I've spent a good portion of my time meditating and limiting how often I check the news. When I have the energy, I cook things and, eventually, I'll get to writing again.

"Baby" Video

"Survival" by Muse

Given the current state of affairs, I was planning to pick something upbeat and cheeky, like "It's the End of the World" by R.E.M. However, this song came on while my family and I were taking a short drive to get out of the house and it seemed eerily fitting, title and all. I haven't been writing on here much. I've been a bit preoccupied lately by my personal life and then my entire family contracted the flu. I was the last victim and it's had me asleep for most of the time since Friday. And yes, I had the flu vaccine - it seems they missed a strain. But even then, this year has not at all gone how I'd been hoping. Sure - I read all the astrological forecasts, I knew there were fairly shitty alignments and events ahead of us, but I thought, "Surely, I can still make a plan." Well, if you've been paying attention, I'm pretty sure most people's plans have been going to shit. The stubborn ones have been forcing their plans to stay in tact, despite circumstances (and there will be consequences, but they aren't the types that are concerned with those). But those of us who have our eyes open have begrudgingly adapted. I've been browsing twitter enough to know everyone is on their soapbox lately so I'll just say this - act with dignity and consideration for others and you won't fuck up. This will end sooner than you think....unfortunately, the rest of 2020 is still pretty shitty.

"Survival" is about just that -  survival. But not the kind of survival most people think of. It's the negative, often self-destructive and socially isolating, coping methods we adapted to survive childhood. I often find myself walking around, struck by how obvious it is that I'm interacting with another's Inner Child. I will watch politicians on screen and read tweets by perfect strangers, and recognize how many people strike out and speak from such a vulnerable place. And most of the time, it just makes me sad. I was watching a psychology video about how to recognize when you're dealing with someone emotionally immature and one of the signs is that they don't remember much of their childhood. The reason for that is that they haven't processed it. I find it weird because I remember nearly all of mine - a lot of bad stuff, yes, but a few happier moments. And, yes, I'm still dealing with understanding a lot of it and I make revelations often (sometimes daily if I'm really thinking on things), but at least I have the knowledge of how it shapes me and my reactions. So that I can be in control of who I am and how I behave. This knowledge is absolutely paramount in order to get out of the "survival" stage. What I'm realizing now is that most people - even those we consider extremely successful - are still in survival mode. They believe how they behave in this autopilot stage is "who they are," but it's not. In psychology, "survival mode" is a state of being consumed with worry about what we believe is threatening our stability in life. For some, it's the fear that we won't ever have enough money or financial security. Or that if we lose our outward attractiveness, we'll lose our value to current/potential partners and ultimately, society. Or if we lose our health or youthfulness, we'll lose the purpose for our lives (see Chris Treager in "Parks & Rec). Or it's a desperate need for validation that we're the most interesting or intelligent person ever, to consume all the attention in the room. For some, it can be a nightmarish amalgamation of all these things and more - a nightmare you can only escape through some sort of therapeutic practice. Not everyone needs talk therapy (although it does help if you're in crisis mode) but some sort of structured, introspective practice that helps you face these underlying demons in a nonthreatening way. Before you get triggered and start fighting over toilet paper in the supermarket.

You won’t pull ahead

I’ll keep up the pace

And I’ll reveal my strength

To the whole human race

Yes I am prepared

To stay alive

And I won’t forgive,

Vengeance is mine

And I won’t give in

Because I choose to thrive

So that's what I've been grappling with in my mind for the past few days. In general, the way that my fellow Americans have been acting in the past couple weeks has annoyed and frustrated me. Trying to absorb it through a compassionate lens, which was admittedly cloudy while my immune system was in the tank while it took several hours to fill a fairly routine prescription. Although I don't feel frightened right now, I can understand how this moment in time can be scary for some people. I'm also keenly aware that some people out there kind of enjoy being scared and, alternatively, enjoy creating fear for others. But over the past 15 or so years, I've watched as we gleefully implemented all the worst parts of the dystopian novels I enjoyed reading as a teenager. I'm not surprised by anything happening today - it's been coming for a long time. Which is why it's especially important to keep our eyes wide open and our heads level right now. Because the only ones who benefit from others being in survival mode are predators.

"Survival" Video

"Bleed It Out" by Linkin Park

I've been struggling with regaining the spark these past few weeks. Exhaustion has taken up a lot of my time and I hate sleeping all the time. I know my body is going through something but it's taking my mind with it. A whole month wasted like this, going to bed early and missing my morning pages because I'm still tired when I wake up. The problem with inspiration is that you have to feed it - that's why writer's block can last for months to years. You get caught up in the anxiety of not writing that you stop writing altogether. But, as Ernest Hemingway (might have) said, "writing is easy...you just open a vein and bleed." That's why Julia Cameron, in "The Artist's Way," insists morning pages are so essential. You're purging. Sure, it starts out mundane, because you think your head is empty (as I've increasingly felt these past couple of weeks). I had cereal this morning. I went for a walk. But slowly, as you build confidence, images build up and bits and pieces of your psyche start leaking out. Shattered fragments of something. Sometimes pain. Sometimes more pleasant. Sometimes truths you don't want to admit to yourself. That you're in love or heartbroken (occasionally both). That you're lost and afraid. Or that you don't know what to do. Or maybe you do know what to do, you just don't want to. After the stopper is removed on all that stuff, that's when the real inspiration comes. It's a long process. Cameron's "Artist's Way" course takes 12 weeks. Eventually, I'll be able to finish it. If I'm able to stay awake long enough. 

Yeah, here we go for the hundredth time

Hand grenade pins in every line

Throw 'em up and let something shine

Going out of my fucking mind

As I've said, my process is rather sporadic - usually triggered by music, but it's the visions I see when I hear the music that give me the inspiration. In a way, it makes things easier. Once there's a vision, I just describe what I can see and hear and feel. To be honest, I'm weak on smell and taste but I'm working on it. Otherwise, these pictures are fairly vivid, almost like memories. On Thursday, for example, I could see my arms, covered up to the elbow in slick redness. Blood, I'm assuming, but it could've been red corn syrup. I could see my face in the mirror, pale against a slash of dark hair, determined. It looked like a scene from a movie - my job now is to figure out where it belongs. I had an idea for a movie once - it was about a man who thought he was trapped in a stalker situation with a woman he'd been dating. The twist at the end was that he had a psychiatric disorder that made him paranoid and the woman was his wife. But the movie would initially be edited to be seen from his point of view, so that the audience would be convinced that the woman was a crazy stalker, too. One of my favorite French movies, "He Loves Me/He Loves Me Not," is laid out like this. The audience is made to believe that the main character (played by Audrey Tautou) is having a secret love affair with a man from her building but then the film is rewound and played from his point of view. From his point of view, they had an inconsequential encounter where he performed a simple act of kindness and she built an entire relationship from it. She has Erotomanic Delusional Disorder, which is quite common among stalkers and frequently comorbid with BPD. This was also the basis of the brilliant film, "The Crush," starring Cary Elwes and Alicia Silverstone. I realize I'm just ranting about films now, but to be honest, these feel like the most intelligent thoughts I've had all week so I'm just going with it.

Truth is you can stop and stare

Bled myself out and no one cares

Dug a trench out, laid down there

With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

This song is about how hard it is to create something good and meaningful. Mike Shinoda was speaking about writing rap lyrics, but I think it can be applied to any art, especially generative arts where you're trying to create something new. I've spoken about it before but to create something meaningful, you have to be willing to get vulnerable. To shake some skeletons out of the closet, to free those shadows. "Bleed It Out" isn't about physical wounds, but psychological ones, too. And to heal some wounds, you have to re-open them. It's like when a break heals incorrectly and the doctor has to break the limb again to set it correctly. Most of the time, we think something has healed because "enough time" has passed. But time doesn't heal wounds. You have to uncover and address the things that created them in the first place before any real healing begins. This is the aching process of repeatedly questioning your thoughts and your choices. Why did I go down the path that led to this pain? Was it avoidable? Why didn't I trust my intuition? What was I seeking? How do I really feel about the situation? And how do I stop the self-betraying behaviors? When you have the answers to those questions, it helps to write them down so you'll remember them the next time. Especially if you have trouble remembering. 

"Bleed It Out" Video

"Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings" by Robert Johnson

Ranking: #22

Original Release Date: 28 August 1990

Genre: Delta Blues

"The Complete Recordings" is a compilation album featuring recordings that Robert Johnson did throughout 1936 and 1937 in Dallas and San Antonio, TX. Most of the recordings were released in 1937 on earlier albums, when the artist was still alive. Obviously, he was not still alive in 1990 - Columbia Records decided to compile all the recordings Robert Johnson ever made on this album. Considering that it wasn't a contemporary album, it did surprisingly well, selling over a million copies and even winning a Grammy (for Best Historical Album, a category most people probably don't realize exists). Although Robert Johnson's career didn't last very long, as he died in 1938 (we'll get to that in a minute), he has been cited as one of the most influential artists of all time. This is the point where I reiterate that ALL rock music is based on the blues music that was coming out of the 1930s South. Countless musicians point to Robert Johnson specifically as being an influence in their own music, including the two musicians who continued to popularize Blues music after Johnson's death - Muddy Waters and Howlin' Wolf. The size of his impact compared to his actual body of work - which is summed up in the 41 songs on this album - has given rise to legends. Or more specifically, an urban legend.

Early this morning

When you knocked upon my door

Early this morning, ooh

When you knocked upon my door

And I said "hello Satan

I believe it's time to go"

Early in his career, Robert Johnson was not particularly successful. He was an itinerant perform in his 20s, moving from street corner to street corner, pool hall to pool hall, with nothing but his guitar and the clothes on his back. When he did play in more established venues, more often he was playing popular tunes of the day, not the blues music he would come to be known for. In 1936, he sought out to record some of his original songs. He was introduced to Don Law, who would help him with the initial recordings. These were done on a pretty low budget - in fact, they weren't even recorded in a studio. The were recorded in Room 414 of the Gunter Hotel in San Antonio, TX. I was excited to learn this bit of local lore, especially considering that the Gunter purports to be haunted. I also find it interesting because San Antonio is not known as a particularly musical town, but this critical piece of musical history happened here. Moving on, Robert Johnson would later do a second recording session in Dallas, TX. Since the set up in Dallas was more professional, he would end up doing a lot more recordings. In this session, he was able to do at least two takes of each song, which allows musical historians to do more comparative analysis on his performances than any other blues musician of the time. I know that doesn't sound exciting but, if you geek out about music, it is. After these recordings, he somewhat disappeared from history. It wasn't until 30 years later, when a musical historian was doing research on his life came across his death certificate, that we found out what happened. He was found dead on the side of the road near Greenwood, MS. No cause of death was listed. Some say he was murdered by a jealous husband using poison, but since there was no formal autopsy, there is no way to be certain.

Let's move on to those urban legends now. The most common one is that Robert Johnson's reach has been so monumental because he sold his soul to the demon at the crossroads. As a young man, he had a desire to be a great blues musician. He took his guitar to a crossroads near Dockery Plantation at midnight, where he met a man (i.e., The Devil). The Devil took his guitar, tuned it, and played a few songs before handing it back to Johnson. With the exchange, he bestowed Johnson with mastery of the instrument, all for the low, low price of his soul. As such, he is also the first victim of the 27 Club. For those who are unfamiliar, a pattern has been identified with famous artists, athletes, and musicians dying at the age of 27, usually at the height of the career. You're probably familiar with several of the members - Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain. Recently, Anton Yelchin of the most recent Star Trek reboot died in a freak accident, somehow getting pinned between his car and his mailbox after a night out. When the curse comes to get you, it doesn't care how, I suppose - although it must be noted that, in the majority of these cases, the deaths are self-inflicted through long-standing addictions or intentional suicide. Astrologically, the theory for this is the Saturn return, which general occurs anywhere between age 27-31 (Saturn takes approximately 29.5 years to return to the same point in the sky). Since we count the Saturn return as being from when Saturn returns to the same sign in your chart, that usually starts for most people during the 27th year. During this time, Karma comes to collect - Saturn is considered the planet of responsibilities and restrictions. People may experience this as finally settling down and starting a family or it could also mean having past mistakes catching up with you. People often realize during this time that they married the wrong person or that they aren't in the career they want to be in. Regardless, it's usually a period of drastic change for most people. Finally, there is also the urban legend of the cursed record - this one often makes the rounds in popular culture and the artist generally used is Robert Johnson, because of his possible deal with the devil. Essentially, a cursed record brings misfortune to any one who either listens to it or owns it. As someone who plans to have my ashes pressed into a record, this is now a goal I have. According to the company I've researched, my ashes will make approximately 30 records, which I can give to whomever I please. Perhaps it's kind of morbid, but I think it might be a fun hobby to collect records like this. Maybe even start a Record Store of the Dead. Given the recent trajectory of popular culture, stranger things have happened.

Baby, I don't care where you bury my body when I'm dead and gone

You may bury my body, hoo

Down by the highway side

So my old evil spirit

Can get a Greyhound bus and ride

I didn't want to do the astrology of the release day, because I don't think it quite matters for a compilation album. Instead, I decided to look up the chart of Robert Johnson, to understand better the man whose shoulders modern music stands. Looking at his chart, his Sun and North Node were conjunct in Taurus, opposite his Jupiter and South Node in Scorpio. Following his Destiny was an imperative for him but luck on his path might've been more elusive. South Node in Scorpio tends to indicate a certain comfortableness with a chaotic life but it was his Destiny to set down roots and grow something. He never became famous during his lifetime, in spite of his supposed dealings with the Devil. In fact, the impact of his work wouldn't be realized for some time. Johnson was born under Mercury Retrograde. Retrograde planets in a chart is usually indicative of someone who doesn't think the same as the rest of the population. With Mercury Retrograde, it often manifests as an ability to communicate and convey ideas in a way that resonates with people in a special way. A key aspect of Johnson's music is his use of microtonality while singing. Microtonality is using subtle inflections and changes in pitch while singing, which adds emotional depth to the vocals. That's one of the reasons why having multiple performances of the same songs have been essential to studying his style - his performance was different every time because of these changes in inflection. In this age of autotune and remastering, we tend to measure performance ability as the ability replicate studio versions perfectly in a live environment. This does a disservice to the artists, though, because if they are performing live, it should be different. It should be special. Otherwise, you might as well be just sitting alone at home, listening to the radio. Finally, Robert Johnson had Moon in Virgo, which is kind of odd for someone who was a traveling performer. In general, Virgo energy tends to be introverted and prefers controlled environments (cleanliness tends to be especially important). Robert Johnson, when he wasn't performing, was said to be extremely shy and much of the recordings he did in San Antonio were done while he was facing the wall, not the people assisting him with the recording. Of course, he may have also been doing this for corner-loading, to enhance the sound of his guitar. Virgo energy is meticulous and detail-oriented, so being hyper-aware of the angles at which his instrument - his consummate companion - sounds best at would be absolutely on brand.

For today's featured song, I thought it would be fitting to choose "Me and the Devil Blues." I'd also like to plug that Netflix has a documentary on Robert Johnson ("ReMastered"), if you're interested in learning more about this legend.

"Me and the Devil Blues" Video