breathin" by Ariana Grande

In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.

I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.

Some days, things just take way too much of my energy

I look up and the whole room's spinning

You take my cares away

I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate

Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'

How do I know if this shit's fabricated?

Time goes by and I can't control my mind

Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.

Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.

Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!

"breathin" Video

"8 Letters" by Why Don't We

I heard this song very recently - the Friday before I started my vacation - and I made a mental note to write about it, because I found it meaningful at the time. It's about how hard it is to say those three simple words. And now I'm about to go on an epic philosophical rant - you've been warned.

It should be hard - it should be hard to say "I love you." Because there's so much weight and meaning behind them, that those three words aren't nearly enough sometimes. And if they don't have that momentous heaviness, if you can say them without even considering it first, then why even bother? I've gotten into this space where I feel like I hear it so often that it feels meaningless, like it means even more if they're not said but shown. Actions speak louder than words and what not. When I do say it, I try to make sure I'm really feeling it first. Because if I don't feel it, I don't want to say it, just because it's expected, just because it's required. Because I don't want them to be a lie. Okay, maybe the rant wasn't that epic. Sorry for building it up so big.

You know me the best

You know my worst, see me hurt, but you don't judge

That, right there, is the scariest feeling

Opening and closing up again

I've been hurt so I don't trust

Now here we are, staring at the ceiling

There are things that are just hard to say. I find writing them down helps. I write a lot more than what I put down here, some of which I know (and hope) no one will ever read. That's a common therapy technique, something I found helpful when I was recovering from my eating disorder. Writing letters to the people who have hurt me - and especially to the people who I have hurt. They will never see them but it helped to put the words down on paper. It helped me forgive them and myself, which is essential for loving people. That's what a lot of people don't understand - you can't really love anyone if you don't love yourself first. You'll always just be expecting them to fill a hole that is your responsibility to fill, and that's too much to ask of somebody else. Especially if you really, truly love them.

The video is pretty unremarkable. A boy band singing in beautiful locations - meh. The interesting thing about it is that each of the locations appears to be in a state of suspended animation. More importantly, the location would be and are an absolute mess when the movement begins again. I think the director was trying to evoke the overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that Love can create. Why Don't We is a test tube pop band, in the vein of N'Sync. The theory is that if you get five attractive young men who can sing together in the same recording studio, magic happens. It generally works, at least financially. "8 Letters" is the name of their debut album and the latest single that was released in 2018. It's still climbing the charts but currently, it's well within the Top 40 for Pop.

"8 Letters" Video

"Youngblood" by 5 Seconds of Summer

I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.

"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.

Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye

Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times

So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place

When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face

5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.

"Youngblood" Alternative Video

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

I was going to post this yesterday but I felt it was more important to watch "My Best Friend's Wedding" with my older sister. Because I've been lazy over the holiday, I've decided to scrap the third Taylor Swift song for this month. (You're welcome!) Anyway, this is my favorite Christmas song. Not very original. I'm pretty sure everybody's favorite Christmas song, at least of the female/gay male persuasion. I'm pretty sure most people can identify it - we've all had a Christmas where we couldn't be with someone we love, either due to distance, work obligations, or other reasons. My dad was deployed pretty much my whole childhood but I honestly can't remember a Christmas that he didn't spend with us. We were very lucky like that - other military families are not. I think that's the probably the hardest thing - missing someone so badly, knowing that they can't come home, even though you know they're missing you, too. I think that's why this song resonates with so many people. It captures a part of Christmas that isn't so happy, but it's still pretty fucking catchy.

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

You baby

I'm going to keep with the theme and talk about my favorite Christmas movie. It's "Love Actually." Don't act surprised. It was on TV last night, but I'm pretty sure it's on Netflix, too - not sure how long that will last, but it's there if you want to watch it. Basically, it's a bunch of different love stories (which revolve around Christmas) interwoven together into a cohesive narrative. I believe most of the characters know each other, at least by sight, so it's fun to see them weave in and out of each other's narratives. My favorite story out of the ones in the movie is that of Jamie and Aurelia. Jamie comes home to find his wife/girlfriend (it wasn't specified but they live together) cheating with his brother. To get some distance from the situation, he goes to his summer rental in France to work on his novel. Since the owner didn't expect him during winter, the usual maid that assists him wasn't available, so she's hired Aurelia. She doesn't speak English (or even French), just Portuguese. But they manage and, at the end of the day, he drives her home. My favorite scenes are when they are each saying something in their native language and it's almost the exact same thing but from the opposite perspective. For example, in my favorite scene, he's driving her home and he says to her, "It's my favorite part of the day, driving you home." And she replies, "It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you." Isn't that so sad? OMFG, the heart strings! But they get a happy ending. After Jamie leaves France, he starts learning Portuguese on his own. Mind you, he has no expectation that he'll ever see her again, no idea how she feels, but in his mind, a plan is starting to form. On Christmas, he is about to join his family but he has some sort of epiphany. He drops the presents at the door and runs to Heathrow airport. In his grand gesture, he walks the Portuguese district of Paris looking for Aurelia (with most of the residents of the area in tow). When he gets the restaurant where she works, he proposes to her in bad Portuguese. Aurelia says "Yes," in broken English. She learned English for him! "Just in cases." I think that's beautiful. Neither of them knew each other felt the same but they knew they had to overcome this barrier in order to even have a chance.

Anyway, a belated Merry Christmas to you all! There is an official video for this song. Enjoy!

"All I Want for Christmas is You" Video

"Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys

Tonight's full moon is in its home sign of Cancer, which is also my Sun sign. I'm pretty much your stereotypical Cancer - I'm self-aware enough to admit that. In general, I tend to take astrology with a grain of salt but I think it can be effective to understand your chart just for "know thyself" purposes. The goal of astrology is to embody the positive aspects of your Sun sign while being aware - and in control of - the negative aspects. For example, a Cancer person at their best is extremely passionate, loving, nurturing, spontaneous, and creative. We have a tendency to go with the flow, are incredibly loyal and protective of the people we care about, and although we can come off kind of cold, we're actually extremely emotional and open (you just have to get past the tough shell, hence the crab symbolism). That all sounds great, right? Well, there's always a dark side. We can be moody and overemotional. Very clingy in relationships (so true - in the beginning, I was always holding the Husband's hand or wanting kisses when he was busy - to be fair, I was young and he was my first serious relationship). On our worst days, we can become extremely pessimistic - and I'm generally an optimistic (idealistic) person, so when I get into those dark places (which can happen with no warning), it can be surprising to some people. Cancers have a tendency to be suspicious of others without cause and cling to imagined slights to justify it (so much jealousy when I was younger!). Oh - and did I mention we also have a tendency to nag? That's something I have to be especially aware of as a supervisor, because it can seem that I don't trust my team to do their jobs, even though it's just my anxiety to ensure that we meet our objectives.

There are other things in your chart besides your Sun sign. For example, my moon is in Scorpio, which means I tend to be obsessive, feel an attraction towards the occult/mystical, and when I go dark, I go really dark (like "life is meaningless and we should destroy everything" dark). But, I have Mercury in Gemini, which means I'm very good with communication (which makes sense, when you look at my day job and my side hustle as a writer). Again, the goal is to know yourself - astrology is a tool to do that better, even if you don't take it that seriously. With the Full Moon in Cancer, it's also all about hyper-feminine energy. Following your intuition and getting in touch with your emotions is the core emphasis for the last stretch of 2018. I've always been drawn to the Dark Mother archetype for goddesses - Persephone, The Morrigan, Kali, Hekate, Lilith. Out of these, I'm most called to Lilith - her power lies in Sexuality as opposed to Knowledge (Hekate) or Destruction (Kali). Men fear her because they want her but can't own her. She's also one of those goddesses who is unapologetically feminine. Nowadays, we seem to be totally cool when a woman embraces her masculine side but still struggle with people (men and women) embracing and enjoying femininity. Yes, even "feminists" seem to have issues with this, sometimes (that's a rant for another day). And that's what a full moon in Cancer is here to remind us. That there is power in softness. That it takes a special kind of strength to be emotionally vulnerable. That trusting your intuition is not weakness.

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame

So bright, she can burn your eyes

Better look the other way

You can try but you'll never forget her name

She's on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground

And we're burning it down

Oh, got our head in the clouds

And we're not coming down

It's been a very emotional day. Almost had a nervous breakdown earlier over a snafu with the rental car, which happened as a result of letting The Husband sleep in too late (okay....I didn't "let" him...I kept trying to wake him up earlier but he still slept in until 10am). I didn't blame him, though - nope, instead, I just beat myself up because, in all honesty, I should've just dragged him out of bed and just dealt with him being pissed at me for an hour (he still ended up being pissed because he had to contact the rental company to resolve the issue). The truth is I'm getting really tired of feeling like I have to take on all the responsibility and do everything myself. In addition to that, I had a really weird dream about The Movie Star (formerly The Muse - only a half-sarcastic moniker because I genuinely hope he achieves his goal of becoming a working actor). He was telling me all the things I had hoped he would say to me in the past and my reaction was, "Oh, that's nice....Bye!" Which I suppose is a good thing - it proves that I'm really done with it. And even though I still think he's objectively attractive, if I ever run into him again, I'm pretty sure that I'll have that same reaction. "Nice to see ya! Now, excuse me, I have shit to do." There's kind of a sad finality to it - a farewell to innocent hopes - but it's also kind of freeing, too. Now I can be my own Muse.

Lately, I've been feeling "Girl on Fire," mostly because everything is a mess and - damn it! - I'll fix this shit myself if I have to. Which, increasingly, it feels like that might be the case. The song is about knowing your power and being independent and standing on your own. Yes, the girl might be lonely, but that doesn't dull her light. If anything, maybe it makes her burn brighter. There are worse things than being alone. In the video, Alicia Keys portrays a single mother, making it work the only way she knows how. And of course, she looks absolutely beautiful doing it. Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm not even sure today's rant was cohesive but - to be honest - I really don't give a shit right now.

"Girl on Fire" Video

"Consequences" by Camila Cabello

Happy Yule, my friends! For the Winter Solstice, I picked a song that explores some personal darkness. In pagan traditions, from Samhain to Yule, the focus is usually on introspection and self-awareness. In modern witchcraft, we focus a lot on shadow work as a means of enhancing our magical practice. You may have heard me mention shadow work a few times. For those of you who aren't practicing pagans/witches and/or don't have a degree in Psychology, the shadow is a concept introduced by Carl Jung, which represents all the dark/unpleasant parts of our personality that we generally try to repress or hide. Shadow work involves exploring the shadow, with a heavy emphasis on confronting our demons and becoming comfortable with expressing those parts of ourselves in a psychologically healthy manner. For example, if you drink a lot and do things you regret while under the influence, you might explore why you're drinking or why you feel like you have to drink in certain situations. Or perhaps you get irrationally angry or depressed when people bring up certain topics, you would try to understand why you have such a strong emotional reaction. This understanding is supposed to make these situations easier to handle and - in cases that involve addiction and self-destructive tendencies - be able to cope without to resorting to these things. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps was influenced by Jung's theory, but even non-structured shadow work can be a helpful way to get through a lot of difficult life circumstances - eating disorders, divorce, death, job transitions - really any major changes that can affect your psychological stability.

Now that we know what shadow work is, we can discuss how to do it. It's actually pretty simple stuff.

1. Watch your emotional reactions and pay attention to what triggers really strong negative feelings. A lot of the time, we get angry at someone and then we realize that's something you also do. By recognizing and understanding this, we grow compassion for others and for ourselves.
2. Engage in an inner dialogue. This is especially important when you've hurt others. You need to step back and ask yourself, "Why did I do or say that?" When you understand your reasoning, defensiveness drops away. This allows you to be more genuine in your apologies and repair relationships more effectively. Being able to acknowledge that you were wrong and taking responsibility for the things you've done is very important if you want relationships to work. It's also important after a relationship has ended, so you can move on and not make the same mistakes.
3. Make peace with the "bad" parts of yourself. You don't have to be "good" all the time. Usually, what we consider as "good" is just what society has deemed as acceptable. But that doesn't mean the rest is bad. It's okay to be lazy sometimes. It's okay to be undisciplined or flakey or uncommunicative. Become comfortable with that. I think this is probably the hardest part for most people. We spend so much time trying to be perfect. But we're imperfect. And all this striving for perfect makes us forget to appreciate the good in things, because they weren't "just right" or didn't go as planned. 

There are many methods to do the above things. You can journal (I personally do a lot of journaling). You can meditate. You can create something (which is where I'm going with this rant). You can do something that you're scared to do. But, no matter what you do, you have to make sure that you're cultivating self-compassion and self-awareness. You're not bashing on yourself - quite the opposite. You're actually just giving yourself the time to process your emotions and thoughts that no one else was willing to give you. And ensure that you're honest with yourself. I know there's illusions we want to cling to because it's safer, it makes us feel better - but, trust me, living in that false reality doesn't serve your highest self. Finally, after shadow work, make sure you engage in self-care. Get an ice cream or a massage or chill on the couch and watch your favorite movie (even though it makes you cry like a baby....no, fuck it - ESPECIALLY if it makes you cry like a baby).

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my defenses

But loving you had consequences

This rant is already pretty long but I did want to address why I love this song. This is the third single from Camila Cabello's debut album, which was released at the end of October. Usually, with pop music, music executives want singles to be upbeat and catchy, but I think they got it right with "Consequences." It's incredibly vulnerable and emotionally charged, but with a softness that can only evolve from self-reflection. Cabello has said this was based on a past relationship. Based on the lyrics, I'm guessing he was an alcoholic and she tried to hold on but she was drowning. I'm listening to the rest of her album right now and it sounds like a lot of it was born out of this relationship. I know a lot of people think that pop music is vapid and shallow - and that was very true a few years ago. But I think we've gotten to a good place, where pop music has a lot of depth. You're also seeing a trend in pop artists writing their own lyrics (with a little help from professional song-writers and collaborators), so we are - in fact! - listening to their shadow work, listening to them process their emotions and inner turmoil through music. And that's all art is, essentially - someone felt an emotion really strongly that they had to create something from it. They either had to write a book or a song, they had to dance or paint, they had to fucking do something! Something to keep them from exploding from the pain or the happiness. Creation comes naturally when you're not holding stuff inside, when you're not repressing parts of yourself that make you unique.

Just a few notes on the video - Camila Cabello and Dylan Sprouse (of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" fame) reenact scenes from an old relationship. They're supposed to be memories, so all their scenes have them covered in a gold haze, which makes them both look like angels, even during the not-so-pleasant parts of their relationship. While those scenes are going on, Camila is walking through a park alone, looking super sad. But you can tell that she doesn't blame him for anything - honestly, even from the lyrics in the song, I think she's putting way too much blame on herself. But some things we can't control. That's the big lesson of shadow work - some things are out of our control and the only thing we can do in that case is handle the situation with dignity and compassion.

Alright....I'm seriously done ranting now. Enjoy the video!

"Consequences"

"Born for Greatness" by Papa Roach

This is a good song to listen to on those days when you don't want to do much. When your bones and blood and brains just refuse to move. The days when inspiration won't come. I've learned that those are the days you have to work the hardest. Be warned - I feel a major rant coming on and it's a doozy.

I love writing. And I kind of hate writing. I love writing when it comes easily, when my word wizardry knows no bounds and plots just form themselves. When the infinite ideas in my head flow easily from my fingertips and characters are more real than actual people. That feels amazing! Unfortunately, for every day where that happens, there's at least one day when my mind goes blank. When all the dialogue I write feels contrived, when every story I think of seems like something I read somewhere else or saw in a movie. Days when I find myself staring at an empty Word document, screaming at myself, "What are you doing?! You have absolutely no talent, why even fucking try?" Yeah, the things our brains tell us are something else. Brains remember all the cruelest things that people ever said to us, tell us we're all the worst things we can imagine. Brains show us exactly where all the lines we shouldn't cross are and then make us fear what will happen if we try to cross them. Brains tell us to be afraid of being who we are, because everyone is sure to hate that person. It took me a long time to learn that a lot of this is bullshit, mostly because I had someone else (someone I was supposed to trust and who I thought loved me) telling me all that same stuff.

I've been reading a lot of shit about being your "authentic" self. You can comb that stuff for days but one thing is for certain - you can't be authentic if you're stuck in you're head. And I don't mean stuck in your head with daydreams and fantasies (most of these hippie-dippie sites agree that daydreaming is good for you), I mean stuck in your head with the anxiety and the negativity and the mean stuff. Yes, that stuff might still be in there (in fact - just from my own experience - I guarantee it will be for a while), but you can't let it take over. You can't let it own you. You have to be stronger than it. So how do you do this? Well, you cast a Patronus charm. Duh! You knew I'd find my way back to Harry Potter, so don't act surprised. 

But seriously, the foundation of a Patronus is happy thoughts and the pure, unadulterated will to overcome fear with light. However, that's a whole lot harder than it sounds, because science has proved we are hardwired to remember bad memories over good. It's a survival thing - good things aren't a threat so why bother remembering them? Meanwhile, forgetting that fire is hot or that those berries made you sick could kill you. Objectively, that is more important. But, if you can humor me for a moment, consider that awful thing your brain is telling you, then choose a memory that makes you happy. Something that helps you remember that the awful things aren't true. I, personally, feel that happiness where my heart is. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, but it's a sort of pleasant heaviness. There's also a gentle knowing feeling, like I know what's true and that's all I need to succeed. Coincidentally, it's the same feeling I associate with Love or Faith. If you can hold onto that feeling for a little bit, it'll get you through whatever you need to do. I'm not saying you won't need therapy or medicine - some people do and that's okay. But, if it ever gets to a point where you need a little extra help, a Patronus charm can take you a few steps farther than you otherwise would have.

Back to what I was ranting about....What do I remember when it's too hard to write? I think of the paper I wrote on mitosis in 8th grade and about how, when my science teacher gave it back to me, she grabbed my hand and said, "You should be a writer. You're too talented not to be." That's what's real. None of the other stuff.

It doesn’t matter if the world has gone mad

If we just hold on, if we just hold on yeah

The sky is falling and the world has gone mad

And we sing our songs, and we just hold on yeah

So if you’re running, stop running

One life, one chance, start living

Sing it louder just to let the world know

No, we’re not nameless, we’re not faceless

We were born for greatness

I really like the chorus to "Born for Greatness," especially the first couple of lines. I don't know - it just kind of feel like the world has gone mad, sometimes. But I feel balance coming - maybe we can't see it, but it's coming. Perhaps it's more of a tipping point, really. The last couple of years have felt really sludgy to me lately for some reason. Yes, I believe that was the right word to describe it. I think it's easy to let the darkness consume us, sometimes - heck, maybe we even want it to, because it feels familiar, because it's all we've known for a long time. But the light feels good, too. There's two beliefs that keep me going most days - we're all interconnected and everything happens in cycles. Remembering we're interconnected keeps me from giving into my worst instincts and being cruel to people, because any harm I do to them ultimately reflects back to me. And remembering that everything happens in cycles keeps me from being sad when something ends, because there's a new beginning around the corner. I guess that's just believing in balance, just phrasing it in two different ways. And that's what our highest self wants to understand - there can be no pleasure without pain, no happiness without sadness, no light without the shadows.

"Born for Greatness" Video

"Good Girls" by 5 Seconds of Summer

This song reminds me of myself. If you met me, you'd assume I'm a "good girl." I've been called a "goody two-shoes" and a "legal beagle" a lot in my life because I have a tendency to point out the rules. My dad has suggested several times that I should've been a lawyer. I probably would've been a good one because - here's the thing - you can't break the rules if you don't know what they are. And it's easier to get away with being bad when you look like an angel. 😈

Yep. I was actually a pretty bad kid when I was in high school and in college. Getting straight As wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't do my homework most of the time because I thought it was a waste of my time. Which it was - I'd ace tests all the time with zero studying. The only thing homework ever did for me is cut into my anime time. True story: My sophomore year of school, I had a geometry teacher who would walk around the classroom and check that we did the homework. So I would do enough questions in the 10 minutes before class to fill the top half of my paper and then cover up the bottom half of the page to hide that I didn't actually do the assignment. By the time I had started doing that in the third week of school, I had cemented my place as the top student in class so my teacher never thoroughly checked my work - she just assumed I did it and moved onto the next person. Which is how I became friends with Carlos, who was super cool and played guitar. He was impressed my ingenuity and deviousness.

I wish I could say that this was the worst of my bad behavior but I'd be lying. I have way too many of these stories. For example, one night, I told my mom I was going over to Rae's house to watch movies but we actually went to this dive bar called The Peanut Gallery. It was as dirty as you're imagining. We were supposed to be meeting this 22-year-old she was talking to on the Internet but she decided against introducing herself when she saw him. Instead, we watched the screamo band that was playing and our other friend, Jen, got the lead singer's phone number. Could we have died that night? Possibly. I do not recommend going to meet strangers you only talk to on the Internet. Luckily, the guy had no idea what Rae looked like, so we could play dumb. I ended up breaking up with that guy over instant messenger for Rae. Because, apparently, I'm good at breaking up with people when I'm not one of the people involved. She had me break up with a few people, actually. In my defense, though, I would also deliver her "I like you" notes when she was too chicken to do it herself. In fact, I jumped off a 6-foot-wall once delivering one - I landed on my feet and then promptly fell onto the gravel and cut up my hands pretty bad.

She's a good girl

She's Daddy's favorite

He's saved for Harvard

He know she'll make it

She's good at school

She's never truant

She can speak French

I think she's fluent

'Cause every night she studies hard in her room

At least that's what her parents assume

But she sneaks out the window to meet with her boyfriend

Here's what she told me the time that I caught 'em

She said to me:

"Forget what you thought

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught

So just turn around and forget what you saw

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught"

I do stupid stuff, sometimes, did I mention that? This is a common problem with Gryffindors - we follow our hearts and not our heads. We have a strong sense of right and wrong - and firmly believe that, sometimes you have to break the rules to do what feels right. Good people don't necessarily have good histories and a squeaky clean reputation doesn't always mean that a person has good intentions. The boundaries that society builds for us aren't always the right ones. Unfortunately, those are the hardest to break away from. I was thinking about Hermione this morning. I feel that she was the most Gryffindor out of the trio. I know there are some people (*cough*Ravenclaws*cough*) that disagree but hear me out! She didn't believe knowledge was the end-all-be-all for life - she believed that knowledge was a tool to make the world better for everybody. It really pissed me off that they cut out the SPEW plotline. I understand that, in the grand scheme of things, that plotline was probably not very important but it was essential for understanding why Hermione is a Gryffindor and not a Ravenclaw. Because she saw what she felt was an injustice and she took action. And she stood up for what she believed in, even though her friends thought she was crazy, even though the wider Wizard society thought the status quo was just fine. I think people ignore this because we all love Hermione so much but....the bitch did some stupid shit without putting much critical thought into it. Think about it - she was the one who was like "Hey, I stole a bunch of ingredients to make a complicated potion that we're going to brew in the girls bathroom in broad daylight and - oh, by the way - it's all so we can ask Malfoy one question." Hermione is the only one who actually punched Malfoy in the face. And, let's not forget - she's the one who suggested starting the illegal Fight Club that evolved into Dumbledore's Army. Girl is a troublemaker....and that's why I love her. It takes courage to follow your heart and take actions that seem unconventional or ill-planned, even if the chances of failure are high. Fuck it. Especially if the chance of failure is high. Those are the type of people who move the story forward.

Anyway, I know I got hella ranty today. Sorry. I'm in a mood today - just annoyed at myself, I guess. Or psyching myself up to do something stupid. Or just talking to myself because it makes me feel better to get my thoughts down instead of keeping them bottled up. Even when it seems like I'm going crazy, sometimes, but - after proofreading the above rant - all my thoughts seem coherent and reasonably well-conveyed so I think we're good.

"Good Girls" Video

"Without Me" by Halsey

In my last post, I said the Universe speaks to me through music, sometimes. This is actually a very modern magical method used by "Millennial witches" (*cough*like myself*cough*) for divination. Everybody's methods are personalized but the gist is that you ask the Universe a question, then shuffle your playlist, and the song you hear has the response. Sometimes, I'll do this and just turn on the radio or turn on Spotify. Some people pick a number between 1-10 and then skip that many songs to get to the answer. In my opinion, this isn't necessary - mostly because you'll know the answer when you hear it - but to each their own. Certain songs can be signs, too - for example, I read somewhere in the pagan blogosphere that if a song reminds you of someone, they're thinking of you. I don't know how true that is but it's a nice thought. Additionally, if you're hearing a certain song a lot - particularly one that resonates with you - this could be the Universe trying to tell you something. That's where today's song comes in.

I heard "Without Me" during my last trip to Comic Con, but it wasn't the whole song. It was just a snippet - it was an advertisement for Halsey's new single that was recently released. The commercial seemed to keep coming on, but I was weirdly looking forward to it every time. Because I was drawn to the song. By the end of the weekend, I was like, "OMFG, I have to hear this whole fucking song for some reason." Long story short - I hunted it down and listened to it and it's basically one of my favorite songs right now. It's been steadily climbing the charts (currently number 3 as of yesterday) so it's been gaining more airplay on the radio. That's not too unusual. The unusual part is that it always seems to be on the radio first thing while I'm driving....so I'll listen to it (of course). Then, when that station hits a song that I don't want to listen to, I'll change to a different station (I'm a notorious station-hopper) and - surprise! - "Without Me" is playing again. It's gotten to the point where I'm hearing the song 4-6 times a day and I don't spend that much time driving. Strangely enough, I'm not bored with it yet, but damn! I hear you.

Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there

Feeling so high but too far away to hold me

You know I'm the one who put you up there

Name in the sky

Does it ever get lonely?

Thinking you could live without me

Thinking you could live without me

Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

I don't know why (yeah, I don't know why)

Thinking you could live without me

Live without me

Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

I don't know why (I don't know why, yeah yeah)

Anyway, that was your daily dose of woo-woo bullshit. "Without Me" does have an actual meaning, by the way, and the message is pretty relevant to a lot of people (including myself). It's been postulated that the song is about Halsey's turbulent relationship with G-Eazy, but in interviews, she said that it could be about a lot of relationships (romantic or otherwise). The song is supposed to serve as a reminder not to let people take advantage of you. Particularly for me, I have a tendency to give more than I get. People (myself included) tend to do this when we're afraid someone won't stay around if we don't. What's more, people with this issue also tend to sublimate their own needs, out of not believing they deserve more. I know this! I went to school to understand this shit and everything! And, still, I fall into these same patterns. It stems from childhood abandonment issues - I'm working on it.

There's also a level of pettiness to the song, though. I mean - whoever she's singing to, they probably could live without her. The question is - do they want to? And if they want to, she's better off without them in her life. Additionally, if someone "can't" live without you, they have codependency issues and you really don't want that. In fact, you should probably walk away if they really believe they can't live without you, because that's a dangerous thought for them and for you. That's the kind of thought process that leads to murder-suicides. There is a line from the movie "Rumor Has It" that I really love. Jennifer Aniston's character, Sarah, goes to apologize to her fiance after she royally fucks up. In her apology, she says, "I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to." That's the sweet spot. That's where you want to be.

The video is what you'd expect. Halsey replays an abusive relationship (both good and bad parts) and, by the end, she is able to get away (police intervention is involved). Happy Saturday!

"Without Me" Video

"High Hopes" by Panic! at the Disco

This song was released in May and, finally, it's circulating the airwaves in a big way. I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. As someone who survives on hope (for the most part), its like this song showed up just in time. The Universe speaking to me through song, like always. More on that later this weekend. We are going to talk a little bit about magic today - specifically, we're going to talk about manifestation. It's tricky magic, but I'm pretty sure I've seen it work. And hope is the fuel, my friends, so let's jump down the rabbit hole.

I've been reading a lot about manifestation lately. Only kind of on purpose, though. I've been on this "following my intuition" kick, which includes jumping in when certain topics keep showing up in random places. Like in book recommendations or on podcasts I listen to. You know....following the signs. Because - pro tip! - the Universe fucking hates it when you don't follow the signs. As I said, from what I've been reading, it's tricky magic. Because you can want something too much, which just fucks everything up. Mama said, "Don't give up....it's a little complicated." It is complicated because you have to fundamentally understand the philosophical concept of non-attachment. When you want something too much, you start attaching expectations to it - how the outcome will look, how it will happen, when it should happen. When things don't go the way we expect them to, we start to get upset and negative and give up on it. Because if it doesn't look the way we want, it's not going to happen - and with that attitude, it won't. If you have a rigid plan for what you want, you close yourself off to the possibilities, which kills the magic.

Based on my research, I've identified some key things for manifestation magic:

1. Be specific - you have to know exactly what you want your end result to be. You can't have a muddled, half-baked idea of what you want to achieve. You can't want "everything" because not everything is going to be possible at the same time. You have to have a vision. And you can't be lukewarm and ambivalent about it, either. If you want something, you have to want it with your whole heart. This is what they're talking about when they mention your True Will.

2. Believe - This is by far the hardest part and where everybody (including myself) usually fucks up. Because to doubt is human. However, for manifestation to work, you have to develop an unshakable faith that what you want is on the way. No matter what obstacles show up along the path, no matter how things look from the outside, you have to know deep in your soul that it can and will happen. Even if your current circumstances make it seem like this deep desire is impossible now, you have to keep believing that things can change. Don't give up. Maybe this sounds like delusion, but the world was built on delusions. That's a limiting idea and I'm over it.

3. Take inspired action - Remember those signs I told you about earlier? Follow them. If something in your gut is telling you take an opportunity or try something new, take the leap of faith. Even if it seems like a detour from what you think will get you to the end goal, it's not - the Universe works in mysterious ways. And I feel like a say it a lot but.....you gotta do the work. You want to be a writer? Write every day, even if it sucks, even if no one reads it. You want to be a dancer? Go to dance class. You want to be a rockstar? You gotta put yourself out there. Everyone wants these big dreams to happen with the least amount of effort but if you don't put in the effort, you don't want it that much. That's just a fact. So if you want something, put in the work. No one is going to do it for you.

So yeah, build a "vision board," visualize, meditate, pray, do spellcraft, or whatever. This helps build and sustain the "believe" part I was talking about. But when you're done with all that, let go of what you're expecting and be ready to accept what shows up along the journey.

Had to have high, high hopes for a living

Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing

Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision

Always had high, high hopes

Had to have high, high hopes for a living

Didn't know how but I always had a feeling

I was gonna be that one in a million

Always had high, high hopes (High, high hopes)

As you can see, the chorus for "High Hopes" follows the above guidelines. Brendon Urie said the lyrics were about the dream he had as a kid and the weird journey he ended up on that ultimately led to his dream coming true. Obviously, it's Panic! at the Disco, so the song is super high energy. A good song to listen to when doubt comes trickling in. Anyway, I know this post was a little rant-y but I hope it was informative.

"High Hopes" Video

"Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran)

I know y'all are probably pretty love-song'd out (I am, too, to be quite honest) but it's Taylor Swift's birthday and this one happens to be both my favorite T-Swift song and one of my favorite love songs. I was playing it on repeat last spring and my friend even caught me singing it at work, like a damn fool, because I sing when I'm happy. Yes, she does write happy songs once in a while. It's not all "he's a cheating asshole" and "I'll burn down the fucking world" for Taylor. At least, it wasn't always like that. I have a theory why she is that way, but I won't go into too much detail on that now. Not on her birthday. But, suffice it to say, a man that she loved very much broke her heart. Before that, she was an open-hearted, free-spirited, dream-dazed girl with a guitar and an angel face. Then, someone killed her trust in love and she put iron bars around her heart. Not the best reaction, in my opinion. I feel like shutting down your heart is the quickest way to cut yourself off from the Universe, but I can understand why she did it. It's easier to numb yourself than feel the pain and grow through it. Unfortunately, she'll be 30 next year and the psycho dreamgirl routine won't be cute anymore. But remember that - if a girl seems crazy or insecure or distant, it's probably because someone broke her heart at some point and it's not quite healed.

I love this song because it's so innocent. It's about how love is in the beginning, before the brain gets involved, before you start thinking so much. The video features two kids just....being kids. They don't know if it's love, they just know that there's this person that they like a lot. Call me sentimental, but I adore puppy love. I think it's cute. I remember my first crush. Barely, only bits and pieces. I was in first grade and his name was Jared. He was blonde and green-eyed and I think he liked me, too. And I was so excited when he was in my second grade class, too, and then unbelievably crushed when I moved in the middle of the first semester due to circumstances that my 7-year-old brain couldn't really understand. Spoiler alert: Those circumstances were just as unpleasant as I imagined them to be, but I didn't learn why until I was 21. I'm starting to realize that there's a lot of things in my life that could've turned me into someone like Taylor Swift. But I'm not - I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not one of those girls who mastered guile and I used to hate that, but maybe it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing to be emotionally sensitive and open to possibilities, open to disappointment. That's healthier than shutting yourself off and avoiding scary things like failure and embarrassment. I've tried doing that - it's not for me. I've failed before, I've done incredibly stupid shit, I've been fucking up constantly and consistently since I was a little kid, and - somehow - I think I turned out better for it. But I'm not gonna lie - it does come with a fair amount of anguish, at times. I think that's just normal life, though.

Back to the song, the chorus is "I just wanna know you better" repeated like a zillion times. This really resonated with me, because - as I think I've said before - all I ever really wanted is someone who wants to know everything about me. And I want to know everything about them. I know that's not possible, but still - the desire is there. "Everything Has Changed" is a duet with Ed Sheeran. T-Swift has collaborated with Sheeran like 3 or 4 times. I suppose it's because they have similar styles and they're good friends. My original theory was that T-Swift was in love with Ed Sheeran, but clearly that's not the case. Ed Sheeran recently married a childhood friend, which is the story that runs through his songs. Taylor has a very different story, one that's a little bit sadder. Oh well. She should take comfort that Supergirl is also going through some very real shit in the love department as well, so she's not alone.

Come back and tell me why

I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time

And meet me there tonight

And let me know that it's not all in my mind

I love the video almost as much as the song, because it embodies that innocence I was talking about. It starts with a pretty little girl getting on the bus and sitting down next to her friend. He's reading the Funny Pages (which still is my favorite part of the newspaper) and drinking what appears to be coffee. And she just smiles this smile that says, "I fucking love this little weirdo." The video is these two kids hanging out together, doing typical (and not-so-typical) kid stuff. My other favorite part of the video is when they are talking on the "phone" to each other. In the video, it's clear that the phones are fake and they're just talking to themselves, but their expressions are so animated that you know they believe they're talking to each other. I also like that the kids are different in some ways (he's kind of goofy, she's more serious) but they get along and do things outside of their "wheelhouse" because the other likes doing it. Like reading "The Notebook" or doing yoga or drawing on your face with markers. Kindred spirits. I think it's sweet, but we've already established I'm a sentimental old fool. Enjoy!

"Everything Has Changed" Video

"Hold On Forever" by Rob Thomas

This gem popped up in my Spotify Discover mix somewhere near the end of summer and I've been hearing it a lot when I'm out and about. I guess it's a favorite to play in stores, which makes sense because it sounds so chipper and makes you feel happy. At least, it makes me feel happy. And hopeful, which is when I'm at my best. Hopeless Jess is the absolute worst. True story. Anyway, apparently "Hold On Forever" was released in September....three years ago!! It came out in 2015 and I'm just now hearing it. I'm so behind. Oh well...what else is new?

As you might have guessed, I like to listen to this song when I need someone (*cough*Rob Thomas*cough*) to tell me to cheer up. Because sometimes you need someone to make you smile in spite of yourself. To get you out of your head, just for a bit. So I wonder how Spotify's algorithm figured out I'd like this song? It was probably something like, "Hey! This chick likes Matchbox 20 and dancing alone in her room (or in the driveway, after a run....which resulted in some awkward stares from the people across the street) - this song is perfect for her!" Yep - Matchbox 20 and dancing like an idiot in public - I'm basically a 20-year-old frat boy....albeit in a cuter, tinier version. I was lucky enough to see Matchbox 20 when I was in high school, at the height of their popularity. That was a really good concert - the openers were Sugar Ray and the All-American Rejects. I brought my best friend at the time, whom I'll call Rae. One weird memory I took from that night - Rae remarked that I had "rhythm" and asked why I didn't dance more. Well, in high school, it was because I didn't want to look stupid. But now - as I've said before - I'm all out of fucks to give, so I do dance more at home. I would like to go out dancing or dance at events I'm invited to, like weddings and parties. Unfortunately, The Husband doesn't like to dance so I'm SOL. The other day, I was lamenting to my team that I would like to go line dancing, but it was unlikely to happen. But I'd like to, one of these days....I like line dancing and I fucking live in Texas, so why not? I'll have to find a friend who will indulge my inner cowgirl and doesn't mind being dragged along on half-baked adventures.

Lay down all your troubles end to end

They could reach up to the stars

So many roads, you don't know where you've been

But you still know who you are

And if I seem preoccupied, I'm wondering what to do

So here's my recipe for you

First thing, we make you feel better

Next stop, we pull it all together

I'll keep you warm like a sweater

Take my hand, hold on forever

Just fall apart if you need to

I'm here and I won't leave you now

Don't look down

Hold on forever

The official video for "Hold On Forever" follows a beautiful young couple on an adventure in New York City. The song was inspired by Rob Thomas wife, Marisol Maldonado, and the couple in the video was cast to look like them. Sort of. It's a white guy with a Hispanic girlfriend - I suppose that works. Anyway, for the last couple decades, Maldonado's been fighting Lyme disease. In fact, around the time "Hold On Forever" was released, she went into surgery to have a lesion removed from her brain. As you can guess, this can take a toll on a person and their family. It's a one day at a time sort of thing, so you have to hold onto the happy moments.

"Hold On Forever"

"Mean" by Taylor Swift

This is the first of the Taylor Swift songs for this month. I'm limiting myself to just three this month, for your benefit. Taylor Swift is so prolific that I'm certain she has a song for everything that you're going through in life. I'm still discovering songs that she wrote like 10 years ago. Taylor Swift is the I-Ching of female pop singers (sorry....I was watching "You've Got Mail" again this weekend and Tom Hanks' character refers to "The Godfather" as the I-Ching and I liked that description). This particular song got me through the first couple of months of 2018. I'm pretty sure I listened to it practically every day (to The Husband's chagrin), because it made me feel better about the situation I was in and made me remember myself when it got hard. Let me explain.

At the start of 2018, I was dealing with the coworker from Hell. Someone so full of his own self-importance that he seemed to suck the air out of the room when he showed up to work. The situation got so toxic, that me and my other teammates would get caught up in bitchfests that lasted for hours just discussing this one person. It was so negative and draining. It didn't help that he was kind of a misogynist and, being that I was the only woman on our team at the time, I felt like I was his favorite person to pick on. So, for months, I had been dealing with snide comments in addition to carrying a team that felt like it was on the verge of collapse every day. There were many days when I wanted to be mean right back, to give him a taste of his own medicine. For example, I would buy my teammates little things to mark the holidays - by the end, I didn't want to include him. I wanted him to know that his presence wasn't wanted anymore, that I didn't consider him part of our team because he didn't act like it. But when Valentine's Day rolled around, I still bought him a little box of chocolates. Because I don't want to be mean - I've been a "mean girl" and that's not who I am. That's not who I want to be.

Around this time, I started talking to a guy from another organization who had a lot of experience dealing with "toxic teams." I wrote a comment in response to one of his blogs - no specifics, just that being in such a negative situation can ruin an otherwise wonderful job. He reached out to me and shared some articles and studies that he wrote in regards to dealing with these situations. Basically, he told me to lead by example and avoid feeding the negativity. Talk to my supervisor about the situation and do my best to be a positive force on the team. "Be the light." That was my mantra. And, eventually, things turned themselves around. That guy isn't on my team anymore - he removed himself from the picture, which ultimately was for the best. Almost a year removed from those days, I'm amazed by the complete transformation. I guess the moral of the story is things get better, as long as you accept help when it's offered and remember the person you want to be. And a little dose of Taylor Swift every day doesn't hurt, either.

You, with your switching sides

And your wildfire lies and your humiliation

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down,

Try to block you out 'cause I never impress you

I just want to feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around

Somebody made you cold but the cycle ends right now

'Cause you can't lead me down that road

And you don't know what you don't know

So, Taylor used to be bullied when she was younger and, even now, she's kind of a favorite for tabloid fodder. She wrote "Mean" to remind herself that she's better than those people. Dealing with that stuff messes with your head. I mean - you can kind of see how it's shaped Taylor. Even though in "Mean," she says she wants to be the bigger person, she survives on grudges and admittedly kind of abusive in relationships. Bullying makes people feel like they're not worthy of love and respect, which is a lie - all people are worthy of those things, all people deserve them, regardless of who they are or what they've done. That's what I believe, anyway. Of course, it's not uncommon to get caught in this cycle of bullying. The bullied often become the bullies, because it's a way to feel in control. When I was growing up, after a day of my mom calling me fat, ugly and worthless, I'd turn around and say those same hurtful things to my little sister. I'm not proud of that - if anything, it's one of the things I wish I could change about my life. I've apologized to Vee, but that doesn't undo the damage. The only thing you can do is to go forward and be better. I'm trying to do that. Maybe it's too little, too late, but I'm trying. And that's all we can ask of each other.

I love the "Mean" video because T-Swift looks really beautiful in it. Especially at the end - the subplot of the video is that she's a country girl being tormented by a very stereotypical "Dudley Do-Right" sort of villain. For example, he ties her to the train tracks and then sits and waits for the train. Quelle melodramatique! But, by the end, she's a star in the Big City, and the villain is nowhere in sight. Again - moral of the story is things get better, just focus on what you want to accomplish. OH! And stand up for yourself, don't let others treat you less than you deserve. That's a lesson I'm still learning. Side note: I also like the liberal use of banjos in Taylor's earlier songs. I really like banjo music and I'm really impressed that T-Swift knows how to play it (among the many other instruments she plays). I know - I'm weird like that.

"Mean" Video

"Beautiful (Remix)" by Bazzi (feat. Camila Cabello)

I heard this song on the radio a couple weeks ago and instantly fell in love with it. It was released last year but it only recently hit the radio here in SA. I don't know why - I thought living in a big(ger) city would give me more insight into new stuff coming out but apparently, living in TX doesn't make me as cool as living in L.A. or NYC would. Even during my visit to Colorado Springs, I heard shit that still hasn't made it here or I only recently started hearing on the radio. I know....lame. But that's why the internet exists, right? Music and porn. 

I find this song really romantic, albeit in an uber Millennial way. "The way that Gucci look on you...Amazing! But nothing can compare to when you're naked." Well, I appreciate the honesty. Personally, I actually do think I look better naked (for a lot of girls, it's the opposite) so a guy who agrees would go right to the top of the Favorites List. I also like that it's a duet - I love collaborations and it seems like that's the big thing nowadays. Camila Cabello has been one of my favorites this year - she has another song I have queued up for this month - but every single that she's put out so far has caught my attention in some way or another. I'd also like to say that Hispanic girls are kinda having a moment (at least as far as music goes) and I'm super happy to be here for that. 

Oh my God, where did the time go?

I wish the hours would go slow

How is it 6 AM?

Your touch is heaven-sent

Beautiful, beautiful sight right now

Beautiful, beautiful life right now

Got the angels singing ooh-ah right now like, ooh-ah

And this is why we’ve got to touch (ah)

Sometimes words are not enough (no)

Painted in your golden kiss, honey dripping from your lips

I thank God and my lucky stars

Darling, don't you know what you are?

Yeah, baby, you are

There's not much to say about this song. It's pretty obvious what it's about. Two people are in love and they're just happy to be around each other. So much so that they wish time would slow down. And they love everything about each other, even the not-so-great stuff (love your imperfections, every hang up). Yep, pretty sappy shit. I don't know how I find all this cheesy stuff - I swear, it finds me sometimes. That's just who I am, I guess. True story: I've written more love letters than I'd care to admit....I've even actually given them to the people they were intended for. That doesn't always work out so great but - hey - at least I know I'm brave enough to be honest about it. I wrote a letter to "The Muse" once (fortunately, he's not that anymore - I should really come up with a different pseudonym for him if I refer to him again). I wonder what he did with it - that was some pretty good fucking writing, if I remember correctly. Probably tossed it. Ah well....what can you do? It was a learning moment in my life and, now, I can look back on it and smile at my young heart. Poor thing....it must still be pretty young, especially if it still loves mushy love songs and romantic comedies.

I didn't realize the song had an official video but - OMFG! - it's just as ridiculously schmaltzy as I was hoping. They recreate the Romeo + Juliet Fish Tank Scene!! This is not a drill! Also, I've been seeing that costume idea a lot, so I think the Universe is telling me I need to be an angel for Halloween next year (just kidding - I just decided that's what I want to do so I'm gonna do it). Not a slutty angel, though - like one of those angels where you can tell the girl just put on a white dress, glitter and some angel wings, and called it good. You know - a lazy angel. Video below - enjoy!

"Beautiful" Video

"Natural" by Imagine Dragons

"You're a natural." I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that. I was thinking about that other day - the things I believe I'm good at, someone told me I was good at them and magically, I was. Singing. Acting. Writing. Math. A lot of things. And I wonder sometimes - was I actually naturally good at these things or did someone just say something encouraging and I rose to meet their expectations? Which has got me thinking - Can you believe yourself into being successful at something? Research says......yes! You absolutely can! And I know on some level, people understand this because they encourage their children and other people, but we don't really do this for ourselves. In fact, we do the opposite. We tell ourselves we're not good enough, that we're wasting our time, that other people are better and we couldn't possibly measure up. I'm starting to realize that's just a really convenient excuse not to do the work. That's what it comes down to - you got to do the work. Physically and psychologically, you just got to do it or else nothing happens.

I've been reading a lot of books/articles about writing and writer's processes. Especially for my favorite authors. One of the most recommended books for beginning writers to read is "On Writing" by Steven King. From the very beginning - like when he was a kid - King told himself "this is what I want to do" and it was irrelevant if he sucked, because that's what he wanted to do. At some point, all the "great" artists had a shitty (or not so shitty) day job or some other obstacle that they had to overcome, while simultaneously writing their masterpieces. And - at some point - they all had a period where they felt like they couldn't do it anymore. Like, what's the point? Why am I bothering? During these periods, they might have succumbed to the all too human call of doubt and depression - some of them turned to addiction, lethargy or some other form of self-destruction. But, at some point in this darkness, they make the choice to start again. And that's when the magic happens.

I'm starting to realize I don't really know how things work. Do limitless possibilities really exist? How do we get from one place to another? Can seemingly impossible, immovable things be changed? If so, then how? I don't know. But I want to. Desperately. And, sometimes, I get a glimpse of understanding about what I need to do to make things happen, to change direction. When I look back on my life, it doesn't make any sense how I got here. However, I am starting to really understand one thing about myself. I am water. I make my own path. And god damn right I'm a Natural, at everything and anything I want to be a Natural at.

Will somebody

Let me see the light within the dark trees' shadows and

What's happenin'?

Lookin' through the glass find the wrong within the past knowin'

We are the youth

Cut until it bleeds, inside a world without the peace facing

A bit of the truth, the truth

Side tangent on a somewhat related note - this song reminds me of The Caster Chronicles (i.e., the book series that starts with "Beautiful Creatures"). I liked this book series because it was a paranormal romance but the main POV was the non-magical boy who falls in love with a magical girl. It was interesting, because it's usually the reverse - most paranormal romances have the girl as the main character. Anyway, in the books, Casters (which is what they call Witches in this book universe) usually only have one or two very specific powers. However, Lena Duchannes (the magical girl in question) is what they call a Natural - a Caster with amplified powers who can do pretty much anything with their powers. They don't have limits, except the ones they put on themselves. They are virtually omnipotent, which makes sense because their powers are almost god-like.

I mention this because the video for "Natural" has some occult influences. Or maybe they were just trying to be spooky. It was shot in an antebellum mansion and features mysterious people in either black or white. There's other symbolism - like the three crows, the moon in the background, the light bulb turning on but not fully illuminating anything. During the course of the video, we see a girl (a witch?) go through a sort of initiatory rite of ego death and rebirth - both a personal one (in the bathtub) and a public one (being buried). In a lot of secret societies, there's usually an initiation that mimics death and rebirth. For example, in the Skull & Bones, new recruits are placed in coffins at the start. In other groups, people are locked in a dark room or their heads are covered with black veils so that they can't see. Even in Christianity, baptism is just a simulation of rebirth. This is an important theme to humanity it seems - that you have to die, walk through the Underworld, and be reborn. It's bad enough we have to do that shit every lifetime, now we have to pretend to do it in real life? That shit's exhausting, folks. But it's important - we see a similar ritual in pretty much all cultures, historical and modern. It marks transformation and afterwards, you can't go back to being the same person you were. That person is dead.

I'm exhausted. Obviously, I've been thinking too much. Always thinking. Always in my head. At least it's a pretty fucking interesting place to be - well, I think so anyway. Final thought - this song makes me feel like I could burn down the world and then walk through the fire. Scary as that sounds, it's a good feeling. Video is below. Enjoy!

"Natural" Video

"Pop/Stars" by K/DA

This song was composed for the 2018 League of Legends tournament and ended up on Billboard's Top 40. I love that - League of Legends always made really great music for their character releases and tournaments, but it's rare that video game music makes the charts. Guess that means gaming is mainstream, eh? Anyway, K/DA (short for "Kill/Death Assist," which is LoL lingo) is a fake band comprised of two members from the Korean girl group (G)I-DLE and American artists Jaira Burns and Madison Beer. Technically, that makes KDA a "superband," which is what they call it when already successful artists form a new group. Examples of superbands include A Perfect Circle, Audioslave, Amaranthe, Journey, and Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, just to name a few.

I've been listening to "Pop/stars" a lot. It's a good song to dance to, especially when you're pissed off and need to get some energy out. I throw in a lot of punches and kicks, just because. I've been running on my own steam lately, I need some sort of outlet. Dancing has been it. It helps that the video has a bit of a routine to try and copy. No, I haven't nailed the moves yet but I will. My favorite part is Jeon So-yeon's rap break. I couldn't explain why - as I've said before, good rap is no different than poetry. If it's performed right, it conveys an emotion as unique as the words. Even though I don't understand Korean, it speaks to me. After looking up the translation, now I get why I like it:

See me anytime; using magic

Just once, I can get you

My spirit never dies, uh!

Pow-pow, you don’t know anything

It’s irresistible even if you don’t want it

I can tell from your face what you want

Love it! That's dark goddess energy right there....even earlier in the song, the lyrics refer to Akali being a "goddess with a blade." Anyway, the rap lyrics are from the point of view of Ahri, one of my favorite characters to play in LoL (when I played). Ahri is supposed to be based off the Korean Kumiho spirit, which is similar to other Japanese (Kitsune) and Chinese (Huli Jing) legends. These are spirits that appear as foxes - sometimes with 9 tails - but can transform into other things. Most notably, they can turn into beautiful women who seduce young men and eat their hearts. They live a long time, thousands of years. Depending on the legend, they can be friendly and kind but in most tales, they're bloodthirsty and malicious. Naturally, this is one of my favorite spirits. In LoL, one of Ahri's abilities is to blow a kiss that stuns her target and makes them move towards her, regardless of their free will. The kiss also drains their health a little bit. Sounds like a good ability to have.

Since I'm rambling about kitsune, komiho, and other fox-related nonsense, I'll recommend a book for those interested. It's called "The Sacred Book of the Werewolf" by Victor Pelevin. Pelevin is a Russian novelist so it takes place in post-Soviet Moscow (an interesting landscape, to say the least). Basically, a kitsune falls in love with a werewolf. However, it gets weird and highly philosophical, because two thousand year old monsters think way too much. But it's funny (if you're a fan of black comedy) and is an interesting twist on what is essentially the story of Little Red Riding Hood. I will caution - even though they keep it in the Horror section of the bookstore, it is not Horror, it is very much high-brow narrative literature inspired by the works of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky. It's dark, but a different kind of dark than what you're probably used to.

Here's the official video for "Pop/stars" - it's better than the videos for most songs, nowadays, in my opinion but I like it when fictional characters put out music. I'm not sure there's enough out there to a whole month, but I'll figure something out. Enjoy!

"Pop/Stars" Video

"Dream A Little Dream" by The Beautiful South

I'm about half-way through "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina" on Netflix....and I'm loving it, naturally. Episode 5 is about a demon who tortures people by trapping them in their worst nightmares. Throughout the episode, various versions of "Dream a Little Dream" play in the background. It happens to be one of my favorite songs to sing because it's one of the songs I know I sing well. It's the tune I pulled out if I was peer pressured to sing at karaoke. It's the song I sing when I need to calm down my son or lull him to sleep. As a mezzo soprano, I feel like my voice is better  suited to songs from the Jazz Age and the Big Band era, rather than modern pop songs. It seems like all the popular songs are sung in such a ridiculously high, breathy fashion - you can't really judge someone's singing ability in that range, in my opinion. Most popstars have to sing in falsetto to reach those notes, anyway....or use autotune. That's why most pop songs don't sound as good live as on the radio.

A version of this song in French - also performed by The Beautiful South - is on the soundtrack to "French Kiss." Aside from being one of my favorite Meg Ryan movies, "French Kiss" is essentially the reason I fell in love with the culture, language and music of France. My parents had this soundtrack and I'd listen to it on repeat. The movie came out in 1995 - imagine me, a 7-year-old girl, belting out her best interpretation of the French lyrics for this song. Around this time, I also stole one of my dad's Berlitz "Teach Yourself French" books (my dad was a linguist - he had several of these books in various languages) and dedicated myself to the language. Fast forward about 15 years and several "How to be a French Girl" books later, I ended up taking up French as one of my majors at university. I've probably forgotten everything though - I don't always have time to do my Rosetta stone lessons so I'm a bit rusty. Still, you never forget the feeling. Maybe I'll run away to Paris, one day - rent an apartment in Montmartre, write in a cafe all day, and then laze about the Quartier Latin until sunset. That actually sounds pretty nice. One day, one day.

So, "French Kiss" - Meg Ryan plays a woman (Kate) whose fiance ran off with a beautiful French model. Determined to win him back, she flies to Paris. While on the flight, she meets Luc, a scruffy yet lovable rapscallion who wants to start his own vineyard and has no qualms about breaking the law to do it. Luc becomes Kate's guide and gives her advice on how to win her fiance, Charlie, back. Essentially, he's giving her lessons on being a French girl - be aloof, mysterious, non-committal. Things Kate isn't, naturally, because she wears her heart on her sleeve and she's open about how she feels. However, when she follows Luc's advice, she does get Charlie's attention but just as they're about to have sex, she realizes that she doesn't want a guy who is only interested in her when she's pretending to be someone else. Meanwhile, Luc - as a favor to help Kate - volunteers to seduce the French girlfriend, Juliette, but fucks up by calling her "Kate" in the heat of the moment. Awkward! As you can guess, Kate and Luc realize they have fallen in love in the end. Luc boards Kate's plane back to the USA and confesses his love. And there's your grand romantic gesture. 

Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"

Birds singing in the sycamore trees

Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

While I'm alone and blue as can be

Dream a little dream of me

What strikes me most about romantic comedies is how quickly everything happens. The events of "French Kiss" happen over - at most - a week. Even Charlie, the (shitty) fiance, falls in love with his "French goddess" over the short time that he's in Paris for a conference. Why the rush? These people are making major life decisions after feeling something for complete stranger - Kate decides to move to France and start a vineyard at the end of the movie, for chrissakes! That sounds like a terrible idea....she even knows that Luc has a sketchy past. I wonder what happens after the "happily ever after" we see at the end of romantic comedies - do they stay together? Or does it fizzle out as quickly as it started? Do they end up fighting all the time? Considering how neurotic some of these characters, it seems like that's inevitable. Yep, these movies are unrealistic bullshit....but I still like them. Something about watching a good romantic comedy makes me want to believe in happily ever afters. That probably makes me stupid - but I'm happier when I'm stupid.

Here's the official video of the song. You can see short little clips from the movie in it. It really is kind of ridiculous.

"Dream A Little Dream" Video