The Only Way Out is Through ("Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance)

 We'll do a full unveiling of the results of my Spotify Wrapped experiment (results: inconclusive because they changed their fucking algorithm). The next few artists and/or songs I'll be writing about were featured prominently in my Most Played lists. Among the top artists - and standing out like a sore thumb - was My Chemical Romance. Well, of course, they were there. I still have a wide-eyed dream to follow them around on tour someday. And this song - "Desert Song" - has become a particular favorite of mine this past year. This has been a helluva fucking year. There are some good things - bought a house, got a promotion, spent lots of time with family. But interlaced, there's been a lot of not-so-great things - my mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my paternal grandfather died, and the promotion wasn't so much of a promotion as it was a punishment for being good at my job. I've been moving at breakneck speed since this year started and this holiday season has felt like a high-speed train derailment. 

We hold in our hearts

The sword and the faith

Swelled up from the rain clouds

Move like a wraith

This song is about looking back at everything you've been through and still forging ahead with hope. When they started, the members of My Chemical Romance were going through it. Death, mental illness, addiction - it comes across in their music, but it was a dark road. And I know some people reading this may understand the feeling - wondering how you're still alive after everything, amazed you made it through life so far with the way you were living it. It's about how you carry on, even when it's hard to do.

The vocals on this track aren't pretty, but they fit the song well. Apparently, Gerard Way got wasted before recording it and tried to sing drunk. I think that's pretty obvious during certain parts, where the words get slurred together. In spite of its flaws, though, the emotion comes through and is what makes this song hit so hard. It's sad but there's parts that sound hopeful and wistful. The most hopeful lyric, to me, is "I can see you anytime in my head." It hints at just the right amount of delusion needed to get through a tough day. There's rumors that Way wrote it when he was suicidal and I can hear that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of my bedroom, imagining the blood running out, this song playing in my head. The real thing isn't an option because 1) it scares me (as it should) and 2) I could never do that to my children. But still, when I'm pretending, the biggest emotion I feel is relief. That's when I realize I'm just really tired (you can hear that in the song, too), pick myself off the floor and go wash my face.

Well after all, we'll lie another day

And through it all, we'll find some other way

To carry on through cartilage and fluid

And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

I saw a pithy Instagram quote recently that I've found comforting in these troubled times: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Attributed to Winston Churchill, most likely trying to pacify the British public as they were being relentlessly bombed by the Nazis. It reminds me of something I wrote once - thoughts from a long-forgotten character who was trying to run from her Fate (or at least, her Fate as I had written it). She's trying to run away from some G-men types who were trying to take her away but she's stuck in her house. I'll summarize, because I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but....do me a favor, and fill in the details with the best writing you can imagine a 20-year-old putting down on paper.

Summary:  A girl encounters suited goons on the threshold of her door. Her parents stand outside, useless, complicit. The only way out is in. She runs inside her house but there's nowhere to go. They follow her. She sees the staircase. The only way out is up. She runs up the staircase, but again, there's nowhere to go. She runs to her room and looks around frantically. Her eyes fall on the window. The only way out is death. She makes to jump out the window but the men get to her before she can. As they are frog-marching her out of her house, to a nondescript black SUV, her mind calms. The only way out is through.

What kind of story was I writing? It was a dystopian novel, about a girl (yes, a girl - she's a teenager when the story starts) who is taken to serve the whims of an authoritarian government. You know - typical early 2000s concerns. I want to say she overcomes and overthrows said tyrannical government, but I know teenaged girls who rebel in such environments usually end up dead. It's funny - all my characters now are considerably more grown, mid-to-late 20s. Maybe even early 30s. Not old, but not so naïve anymore. So how do they end up in the story? Why are they the main character and not someone smarter, younger, more full of life? They aren't the Chosen One, just the one that chose to be there, for better or worse. Moral of the story - choose to be the one that shows up, no matter how crazy the journey becomes. 

Well tonight, will it ever come?

Spend the rest of your days rockin' out just for the dead

Well tonight, will it ever come?

I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down, well after all

Every once in a while lately, I'll feel this aching deep in my chest. And I know what it is. It's loneliness. Being the romantic I am, I like to imagine, as I look out my window over the desert, beyond the mountains, past the pecan trees shedding their leaves, there's someone out there listening to this song, feeling the same wretched ache. There's a yearning to be known embodied in this song. To be seen, to be heard. To not be forgotten. All the trials the band went through together, all the hardship and rejection one must face as an artist - whether it be music or writing or any other type of artistic expression - is summed up in one lyric. Will it ever come? This could be talking about death, but I think most people think of it in the context of the things they want most in their lives. Success, companionship, wealth. And in the depths of their despair, the doubt comes rolling in like a thunderstorm. Is it all worth it? It may not be, but in order to make it worth it, you have to go through these doldrums to come through the other side.

Sorry for the melancholic, discombobulated post right before Christmas. I've been going through a lot of feelings, mostly because I've been stressed out at work and at home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me this year - very similar to how I felt in 2020. It's just been one of those years that I'm a little shocked to see I've made it through. That we've made it through. (Congratulations, by the way.) I've heard similar sentiments from other people, from work and in my pole classes....2023 can fuck all the way off. Am I optimistic about 2024? Eh, not really, but there's reasons behind that which I'll go into at another time. Regardless, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Footnote:  I highly recommend the latest episode of The Astrology Podcast. It's about Saturn in each of the signs and the music that comes out during each Saturn transit. Not surprisingly, a lot of emo music (including this song and the album it should've been on..."Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge") came out during Saturn in Cancer. Saturn in Cancer also had a lot of music inspired by mother figures, and it's interesting to note that the song that put MCR into the mainstream was "Helena," which was about Gerard and Mikey Way's grandmother. There is so much astrological and music goodness in this episode, so definitely check it out!

"Desert Song" Video

"On Hold" by The Xx

I don't know why, but I'm feeling this song tonight. I had originally picked out another song but I changed my mind. This song is kind of sad because it's about missed opportunities, especially for young love. It speaks to harsh lessons that some people have to learn sooner than others. About accepting the reality of a situation and choosing not to feed it anymore.

In the song - and in the video for the song - you have a girl who is in love with a boy. But she perceives that he's not as interested - either he's flaky or he's chasing after other people or not giving her the attention she wants - whatever it is, he's not showing up and meeting her in the middle, but he still thinks she'll be around whenever he wants her. So, without resentment or anger, she's walking away completely because she deserves better. Now, he regrets it and realizes his mistake. But it's too late, she's not coming back. Not without a major change anyway. And maybe not ever, in spite of whatever Grand Romantic Gesture he's considering. That's a hard lesson to learn. To not take someone for granted, not to treat them like they'll always be there, because that's never the case. Ever. Likewise, it's a hard lesson to learn not to let people take advantage of you - claiming your attention, your thoughts, your energy - when they're not earning it. But I think a lot of people - both men and women - accept it because they're afraid to be alone. Maybe being alone is not so bad, though, especially when someone's treating you like an option instead of the option. In that case, walking away might be the only move you can make. Make it a clean break. And accept that it's the end, because if the other person didn't want it to be the end, they would've tried harder to keep you around.

My young heart

Chanced to believe

We were destined

Young hearts

All need love

Call it a lesson

The stars and the charts and the cards make sense

Only when we want them to

When I lie awake staring in to space

I see a different view

This song came out a few years ago and it's the above verse that caught my attention (of course it would...I'm so predictable when it comes to esoteric references). This is silly but, once upon a time, 19-year-old me thought that The Moviestar (formerly The Muse) and I were meant to be. To be fair, he seemed interested at the time. But that was all in my head and it took me a long time - longer than I'd care to admit - that it was never going to happen. Thinking about it now, I thought he'd be a (fairly large) chapter in my memoir but now I realize he was just a footnote. I'm not even sure I really liked him as a person, just the idea of who he was in my head. Now, when you actually like the person, that makes walking away a lot harder. But if they're not matching your energy, then it's probably for the best, because you deserve someone who is enthusiastic to meet you halfway. It becomes easy for them, because they want to do it. Think of Morticia and Gomez - although she may be more reserved and cool, she still has the same intense passion for Gomez that he has for her. They never fight but that doesn't mean they don't have disagreements - they resolve differences calmly and with understanding of the other's perspective. Although we never see it onscreen, it's always hinted that they have an active sex life. They always make an effort to be their best selves for each other. And finally, they're a team....in everything!

Anyway, to sum up for the young'uns - don't settle just because you're lonely. Don't let people use you. If you want more than someone is willing to give you, walk away because - if you want to - you'll find someone who will give you what you're looking for. And if you happen to be in the reverse situation, don't for one moment think you're entitled to someone's affection or attention. If you're interested, be interested. And don't be surprised if they don't stick around when you're acting lukewarm. And there's your daily dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess (pretty sure I'm ready for my own radioshow....like Dr. Laura but not really like Dr. Laura cuz I kinda fucking hate her).

Let's talk about the video for a moment, because this is one of those very rare video where I actually like that it's an extremely literal translation of the lyrics. It follows two high schoolers who hooked up at a party, she thought it was going somewhere but then he ghosted her or something and now, she's done. In fact, the girl after the whole debacle seems a lot colder, a lot less loving. And that's the risk - when this sort of thing happens to people, it makes them a lot less trusting, a lot more afraid to be vulnerable, which is essential when you want to find love. They've lost their ability to love...and some people never get that back. Trust me. I have a psychology degree.

"On Hold" Lyrics

"Consequences" by Camila Cabello

Happy Yule, my friends! For the Winter Solstice, I picked a song that explores some personal darkness. In pagan traditions, from Samhain to Yule, the focus is usually on introspection and self-awareness. In modern witchcraft, we focus a lot on shadow work as a means of enhancing our magical practice. You may have heard me mention shadow work a few times. For those of you who aren't practicing pagans/witches and/or don't have a degree in Psychology, the shadow is a concept introduced by Carl Jung, which represents all the dark/unpleasant parts of our personality that we generally try to repress or hide. Shadow work involves exploring the shadow, with a heavy emphasis on confronting our demons and becoming comfortable with expressing those parts of ourselves in a psychologically healthy manner. For example, if you drink a lot and do things you regret while under the influence, you might explore why you're drinking or why you feel like you have to drink in certain situations. Or perhaps you get irrationally angry or depressed when people bring up certain topics, you would try to understand why you have such a strong emotional reaction. This understanding is supposed to make these situations easier to handle and - in cases that involve addiction and self-destructive tendencies - be able to cope without to resorting to these things. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps was influenced by Jung's theory, but even non-structured shadow work can be a helpful way to get through a lot of difficult life circumstances - eating disorders, divorce, death, job transitions - really any major changes that can affect your psychological stability.

Now that we know what shadow work is, we can discuss how to do it. It's actually pretty simple stuff.

1. Watch your emotional reactions and pay attention to what triggers really strong negative feelings. A lot of the time, we get angry at someone and then we realize that's something you also do. By recognizing and understanding this, we grow compassion for others and for ourselves.
2. Engage in an inner dialogue. This is especially important when you've hurt others. You need to step back and ask yourself, "Why did I do or say that?" When you understand your reasoning, defensiveness drops away. This allows you to be more genuine in your apologies and repair relationships more effectively. Being able to acknowledge that you were wrong and taking responsibility for the things you've done is very important if you want relationships to work. It's also important after a relationship has ended, so you can move on and not make the same mistakes.
3. Make peace with the "bad" parts of yourself. You don't have to be "good" all the time. Usually, what we consider as "good" is just what society has deemed as acceptable. But that doesn't mean the rest is bad. It's okay to be lazy sometimes. It's okay to be undisciplined or flakey or uncommunicative. Become comfortable with that. I think this is probably the hardest part for most people. We spend so much time trying to be perfect. But we're imperfect. And all this striving for perfect makes us forget to appreciate the good in things, because they weren't "just right" or didn't go as planned. 

There are many methods to do the above things. You can journal (I personally do a lot of journaling). You can meditate. You can create something (which is where I'm going with this rant). You can do something that you're scared to do. But, no matter what you do, you have to make sure that you're cultivating self-compassion and self-awareness. You're not bashing on yourself - quite the opposite. You're actually just giving yourself the time to process your emotions and thoughts that no one else was willing to give you. And ensure that you're honest with yourself. I know there's illusions we want to cling to because it's safer, it makes us feel better - but, trust me, living in that false reality doesn't serve your highest self. Finally, after shadow work, make sure you engage in self-care. Get an ice cream or a massage or chill on the couch and watch your favorite movie (even though it makes you cry like a baby....no, fuck it - ESPECIALLY if it makes you cry like a baby).

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my defenses

But loving you had consequences

This rant is already pretty long but I did want to address why I love this song. This is the third single from Camila Cabello's debut album, which was released at the end of October. Usually, with pop music, music executives want singles to be upbeat and catchy, but I think they got it right with "Consequences." It's incredibly vulnerable and emotionally charged, but with a softness that can only evolve from self-reflection. Cabello has said this was based on a past relationship. Based on the lyrics, I'm guessing he was an alcoholic and she tried to hold on but she was drowning. I'm listening to the rest of her album right now and it sounds like a lot of it was born out of this relationship. I know a lot of people think that pop music is vapid and shallow - and that was very true a few years ago. But I think we've gotten to a good place, where pop music has a lot of depth. You're also seeing a trend in pop artists writing their own lyrics (with a little help from professional song-writers and collaborators), so we are - in fact! - listening to their shadow work, listening to them process their emotions and inner turmoil through music. And that's all art is, essentially - someone felt an emotion really strongly that they had to create something from it. They either had to write a book or a song, they had to dance or paint, they had to fucking do something! Something to keep them from exploding from the pain or the happiness. Creation comes naturally when you're not holding stuff inside, when you're not repressing parts of yourself that make you unique.

Just a few notes on the video - Camila Cabello and Dylan Sprouse (of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" fame) reenact scenes from an old relationship. They're supposed to be memories, so all their scenes have them covered in a gold haze, which makes them both look like angels, even during the not-so-pleasant parts of their relationship. While those scenes are going on, Camila is walking through a park alone, looking super sad. But you can tell that she doesn't blame him for anything - honestly, even from the lyrics in the song, I think she's putting way too much blame on herself. But some things we can't control. That's the big lesson of shadow work - some things are out of our control and the only thing we can do in that case is handle the situation with dignity and compassion.

Alright....I'm seriously done ranting now. Enjoy the video!

"Consequences"

"I'm Kissing You" by Des'ree

I'm not a big fan of "Romeo & Juliet." I think the story is kind of silly - two teenagers have a brief fling that ends up with like nine people being killed and a suicide pact. Sounds ridiculous and foolish. But I do like Baz Lurhmann's interpretation with Claire Danes and Leonardo Dicaprio. My AP English teacher in 9th grade had us watch it instead of the 1968 film starring Olivia Hussey. He said that the storytelling, and the ending especially, seemed more impactful. I'm inclined to agree. But I love Baz Luhrmann films because they are so decadent and colorful and outlandishly lavish. Overall, I think his version is more effective mostly because Claire Danes is plainly a better actor than Olivia Hussey. Her Juliet just seemed more believable and tragically beautiful - watching her, I knew she loved Romeo and Romeo (Dicaprio) loved her back. Passionately. And it was easier to think that you can fall in love in an instant and have it last forever. I want to believe that, if Romeo and Juliet had not been young and stupid, they would've stayed together and still be as in love as in those first three days. But I know how unlikely that is. Cynical as it is, he would grow distant and she would become disenchanted. Happily ever after is only true in fairy tales, so maybe it's better they both died in the end.

For a brief moment a few months back, I thought I understood the story. In the beginning, they were both sad and lonely. Romeo had been recently rejected by a girl he thought he loved immensely, Rosalind. And Juliet - well, her mother didn't really know how to show her affection and she was being pushed into a marriage of convenience. Sure, Count Paris is handsome (it's fucking Paul Rudd...fuck yeah, he's handsome) and rich, but Juliet is young and she wants more. They were both a little broken. Then, this party happens and Romeo and Juliet are brought together by chance. Neither of them were looking for it, but when they meet, it's like lightening. Like it's supposed to happen. In the Baz Luhrmann version, this is the song that's playing when they meet at the party. During the infamous "fish tank" scene. I love that scene. I would say it's one of my favorite scenes in all of cinematic history. Mostly because of this song. But it's weird though - that scene is supposed to be happy and magical and this song is unimaginably sad when you actually listen to the lyrics. I can't help but cry, sometimes (which makes writing this post especially difficult...).

Des'ree is singing about a love that's seemingly over and she's clinging to the memory of a kiss. Just a kiss. And at the end, she's asking, "Where are you now?" , because he (or she) is not there anymore. Maybe he's dead or maybe he's disappeared. More than likely, he disappeared. I guess that's what you'd call foreshadowing. Maybe we're not meant to be happy that Romeo met Juliet, because that's the beginning of the end for them. Sure, they are destined to be together but not in life. Fate is a cruel mistress.

Pride can stand a thousand trials

The strong will never fall

But watching stars without you, my soul cried

Heaving heart is full of pain

Oh, oh, the aching

'Cause, I'm kissing you oh

I'm kissing you oh

Touch me deep, pure and true gift to me forever

'Cause, I'm kissing you

Oh, I'm kissing you, oh

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

Cause, I'm kissing you

I'm kissing you, oh

Yes, seriously. Those are all the lyrics and the song is nearly 5 minutes long. But I could (and do) listen to it over and over, that's how good it is.

I do kind of love Shakespeare, though, and the various adaptations of his plays. Some of the greatest teen romances of the 90s and early 2000s are based on them, as you'll see. My older sister, M, had this old, battered book of all Shakespeare's plays and sonnets that she stole from the high school we went to. I used to borrow it to practice my acting skillz. I had my favorite monologues - Ophelia from "Hamlet," Hermia from "A Midsummer Night's Dream," Beatrice from "Much Ado about Nothing." But by far my favorite was one of Juliet's monologues. Not the balcony scene....that's too predictable. No, my favorite Juliet monologue is the soliloquy she delivers before she takes the sleeping draught Friar Laurence gives her to make it seem like she died. It seems especially dramatic, because at the end, she's hallucinating that she sees Tybalt's ghost. And at the end, the performer gets to pretend to die. That's always fun.

In addition to the song video, I'm including the fish tank scene from "William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet." Because this month is more about the movies than the music. I was thinking of this particular movie recently because John Mulaney and his wife dressed up as Leo and Claire this Halloween and instantly won Best Couple's Costume of 2018, hands down.

Fish Tank Scene

"I'm Kissing You" Video (Just the song)

"Remember Me" from "Coco"

Today is Dia de los Muertos, which is celebrated by people of Mexican heritage as a way to honor the Dead and guide them on their spiritual journey. Celebrations usually start on Halloween and culminates on All Souls' Day (Nov 2), a Catholic day of remembrance for all the souls in Purgatory. Hopefully, that includes mine. Ever since I learned about Purgatory in catechism, I assumed that's where we already are. Just waiting to die, be judged, and sent to wherever we deserve to be - Heaven or Hell, anything is better than the waiting. It's funny, though, because I believe in reincarnation. It doesn't make sense when I think of it - if this is Purgatorio, why would I want to come back? I suppose I would if I had unfinished business, but I'm still hoping I can clear all that up in this lifetime.

I am of Mexican heritage but my family never really celebrated Dia de Muertos, not fully anyway. Not with Aztec Marigolds and calaveras. But my grandma does have her ofrenda, though we didn't know that's what it was when I was growing up. I just assumed she liked having pictures of her loved ones around. When Los Alamos caught on fire in 2011, my grandparents had to evacuate and they didn't have enough time to get her pictures down. Luckily, their house didn't catch fire but it was badly smoke damaged. When they were doing repairs on the house, you could see the outlines of the frames on the wallpaper. It was kind of ghostly, like a reminder of the memories she could've lost. I know they're just pictures, but they're all we have of our loved ones sometimes. Our minds can forget, but film is (almost) forever. And, while looking at a photograph, the memories come back like they were never gone - and with them, everything we felt during that time in our lives.

I watched "Coco" yesterday with my son. I think I was just looking for an acceptable excuse to cry. And cry I did because - damn it - that movie is so unexpectedly sad. When I first saw it in theaters, I was unprepared but I should've known better. When I was younger, I never used to cry at the movies. But I'm older now and a couple decades of heartbreak and disappointment have worked their terrible magic, I guess, and now...I can't help it. I have a good memory, too. I've always envied people with shitty memories - they are unburdened by the lyrics of a thousand songs and can watch movies based on books without focusing on every wrong detail. They say Cancers forgive, but never forget. I wonder if you can every truly forgive if you can't forget. I'm not sure you can. Anyway, I've been crying a lot lately but it's my own fault.

Remember me

Though I have to say goodbye

Remember me

Don't let it make you cry

For even if I'm far away, I hold you in my heart

I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart

Remember me

Though I have to travel far

Remember me

Each time you hear a sad guitar

Know that I'm with you the only way that I can be

Until you're in my arms again

Remember me

Today, we're supposed to celebrate our Honored Dead, so here's who I'm thinking about tonight. My Uncle Danny, who used to take me and my little sister to his softball games during the summer - I didn't get to go to his funeral and, even though it wasn't my fault, I still feel guilty. My Aunt LeAnn, who died around this time last year and was one of the most joyful people I've ever known. My Grandma Anna and Grandpa Rosario, who taught me to love opera and be proud of my Italian heritage. And, finally, my beloved puppy, Gwen, who was the best dog that ever lived and, without whom, I don't think I would've survived my teenage years. I'm going to wrap this up now, because my heart hurts. So much so, that I kind of wish I didn't have one.

I'm including two versions of the song. The lullaby, which will probably make you cry, and the modern version sung by Miguel, which includes the Spanish translation sung by Natalia Lafourcade. Happy November!

"Remember Me (Lullaby)"

"Remember Me (Miguel Version)"

"Gloomy Sunday" as sung by Sarah McLachlan

There's this urban legend I heard about in high school called the "Hungarian Suicide Song," thus named because it has been linked to a number of suicides. It was composed by a Hungarian pianist named Rezso Seress, but the lyrics that are known today were written by a poet named Laszlo Javor. The lyrics are about a man wanting to commit suicide after his lover's death. When I first heard about it in high school, I wrote a story inspired by the song that followed the same plot line with some minor changes. In my story, a young man commits suicide by jumping off a bridge. His lover, consumed by despair, listens to the Hungarian Suicide Song over and over, getting lost in its melancholy melody. Her friends eventually find her lifeless body in her apartment, the song still playing. Now that I think of it, the people in my stories often end up dead. There's probably a metaphor in there somewhere.

Anyway, newspaper articles from the 1930s associate as many as 19 suicides with the song in both the United States and Hungary. However, this was during the 1930s, which was a depressing time for most of the world, so it's hard to really substantiate that it was the song that did them in. More than likely, people were probably killing themselves because they were starving during the Great Depression or witnessing the increasing fascist influence of Nazi Germany in Eastern Europe (which included watching their friends and family disappear in the middle of the night). Still, Billie Holiday's moving rendition of the song was banned from playing on BBC and numerous versions of the song were banned from being played on the radio. Bad for morale, you know? Unfortunately, the song's composer, Seress, did eventually kill himself, but that was much, much later and was linked to his ongoing battles with depression and financial difficulties.

Sunday is gloomy,

My hours are slumberless

Dearest the shadows

I live with are numberless

Little white flowers

Will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of

Sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thought

Of ever returning you

Would they be angry

If I thought of joining you?

I can assure you - I have listened to this song many times and have yet to succeed in killing myself so it's probably safe to listen to, dear reader. The Sarah McLachlan version is quite beautiful, in a sad sort of way. But all her songs are like that. There's a reason they play "Angel" during ASPCA commercials - that woman's voice has a way of making people's heart break, even when they were perfectly happy only moments before. Seriously, if I see that commercial, I feel compelled to save all the poor, abused puppies and kittens (of all ages....I have a habit of calling all dogs "puppies" and all cats "kitties"). I will and then I'll be completely broke, which would suck because I still have a husband, a toddler, and five cats to support.

Just a note: The final verse in the Sarah McLachlan version was not part of the original. It was an attempt by the studio to cheer the song up a bit and distinguish it from other versions.

Another note: YouTube is being a bitch on my laptop right now. I'll add the video later.