"Perfect" by Alanis Morissette

Finally. The end of a rough week personally and an overall rough month writing-wise. Which meant I was racking my brain to find the perfect song for today. I was thinking about how to wrap up this month, and the biggest thing is that its incredibly important to heal the inner child. I didn't get a chance to tackle that much this month, but it has been important to my growth, just to understand why I do some of the crazy things I do. That's part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy - you have to understand why you keep doing a behavior in order to correct it and get to the place where you want to be. To go with this final archetype, The Child (just like every archetype has a shadow side, every archetype can be translated into a younger version of itself), I went back to my childhood and one of my biggest hangups - the need to be perfect. Thankfully, God herself ("Dogma" reference, in case you didn't catch that) already wrote the perfect song for that.

Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" is one of the seminal albums of my childhood. There's a reason it's considered one of the best albums of all time - not only does it encapsulate the sound of a decade, the music within is so raw and honest that it speaks to everyone, regardless of gender. Alanis Morissette writes and sings like she's spilling her heart out through the music. Just FYI - her Moon is in Scorpio. I read on Twitter that artists that share your moon sign just hit you differently - I think, in this particular case, that is true. There are two songs on "Jagged Little Pill" that are painful for me to hear - the first is "Mary Jane," which is about teenaged depression, and the other is "Perfect," which speaks to generational trauma. Both would've been good to use today and the entire album is worth a listen if you have time.

I'll live through you

I'll make you what I never was

If you're the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I'm doing this for your own damn good

You'll make up for what I blew

What's the problem, why are you crying

As I've said before, I feel very lucky to have what I've learned from my childhood. No, my childhood wasn't great - it was lonely, tumultuous, and I had to grow up way faster than anyone should have to. But, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I would never have known why my mom acted the way she did. I wouldn't have learned that this pattern didn't start with her and that she had her own pain to sort out. Or why my dad made the choices he did. That's something a lot of people never get - to understand at an early age that their parents are flawed humans. A lot of times, children have a habit of lionizing their parents, turning them into superheroes or martyrs or some combination thereof. But, when you accept the reality - that your parents have an identity and history completely independent of you - you start to see the patterns. Likewise, parents tend to treat their children like "mini-me's," as a reflection of themselves instead of seeing their child as a separate person who can and will make their own decisions when they're old enough to do so. If you think back clearly, you might notice things they harped on were probably things they were insecure about themselves. For example, if they weren't good in school, they may have pestered you about grades. Or if they were insecure about their appearance, they may have tried to control how you dressed or appeared in public. It is important to remember that their insecurities have nothing to do with you and do not have to become your insecurities.

I noticed troubling patterns when The Husband and I first started dating. I would get upset at little things and start fights, because that's the only way I felt he cared. I'd act really catty and jealous around other girls, when I had no reason to be. I'd use the silent treatment liberally, expecting him to know what was wrong and then getting unreasonably angry when he couldn't figure it out. I was just a generally unpleasant and bad girlfriend. Around my sophomore year, I started going to therapy at my school, which luckily offered free sessions to students (if you're in college and your school offers free mental health assistance, I highly recommend taking advantage of that. Yes, usually you'll be paired with a psychology/counseling grad student but if you need a psychiatrist, there's one or two of those floating around too). During those conversations, we sorted out potential root causes of my problematic behaviors and I learned more healthy coping methods than what I had grown up using (which, as I've said, included not eating when things felt overwhelming). As result, I became a better functioning adult. It didn't heal everything but it was a start. And that's the important thing - you have to be aware when you're slipping back into old, unhealthy patterns. The only way to do that is to continually do the work.

The Inner Child is foundational for shadow work, soul work, light work, magic work - whatever type of work you're trying to do. Not addressing a wounded inner child will act as a block for coming into balance with all the other archetypes. It sucks but there's no way around it, so consider the following:

• What things really trigger you when a loved one does it? When I say trigger, I mean actions that evoke a extremely strong, negative response, to the point where you feel it in your body. You either tense up, become really scared or really angry, you might have trouble breathing or feel light-headed - you'll know it when you feel it. Once you identify those things that make you have that negative reaction, ask yourself why. Hot tip: These are also some of your boundaries - make it known that these actions bother you. If someone truly cares about you, they'll make an effort to stop doing those things. Yes, after sufficient healing, they might not bother you as much but, until you get to that point, the people in your life should respect those boundaries.
• What things are you overly critical with yourself for? Do these things tend to "flaws" that your parents/caregivers were focused on the most?
• What are the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Are they things you avoid doing now?
• Do you find yourself engaging in the same patterns your parents did? Essentially, are you acting like your parents? If you are, is that something you want? If not, are you consciously trying to change your behavior?

Since it is so important, you should know that you can start healing your inner child today and it's super easy. 

1. Start talking to your inner child in a loving supportive way. I know this sounds like hippie dippie bullshit, but psychologists highly recommend it. You don't have to do it out loud - it can be as simple as writing a letter to your younger self. 
2. Do something you loved doing as a child. For example, I really love to play on the swings - in this case, I could go to a park and swinging for a half hour. Or restart collecting Barbies (that's a slippery slope, though - I already have too much stuff). Again, it doesn't have to be anything big. Small steps are okay. 
3. Look at pictures of yourself as a kid. You weren't always an adult - it's okay to remember that. 
4. Start being kind to yourself. Start talking to yourself as you would your inner child. Encourage your own interests, be patient with your process, be curious, and don't be ashamed to be yourself. It's normal for people to stumble and fail - you (hopefully) wouldn't lay into a kid for making mistakes, so don't do it to yourself.

“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.”  - Jim Henson

"Perfect" Video

"MakeDamnSure" by Taking Back Sunday

I've been feeling a lot of heaviness these past couple of days. I'm going to try to lighten it up a bit (but not too much) because there's a little voice in my head saying "give in to the darkness." Thus, I've chosen a surprisingly catchy tune for today. I love this song and, while there is something disturbing about the lyrics (I'll get into why), I will be totally honest and just say I chose this song because it was stuck in my head. All. Day. Long. Which is funny, because I honestly don't think I'd heard it in several years, until it popped up on my YouTube recommendations on Sunday night. It would not be an exaggeration that I was obsessed with this song in the mid-2000s (or roughly around my freshman/sophomore year in college....TBS's "Louder Now" was released in April 2006). And the obsession has returned....

Speaking of obsession, this song reminds me a little bit of the Netflix show, "You," starring Penn Badgley. The show has been considered problematic because, while Joe Goldburg (Penn Badgley) is handsome, incredibly smart, and thoughtful, he is also a stalker. The show makes stalkers look sexy. Even for someone like myself who has had uncomfortable encounters where I was followed or had my personal space invaded - yes, even I was kind of wishing I had a Joe to stalk me. And I know he's dangerous - that's the thing about Joe. You know from the first episode that he is not a good guy....but he seems so endearing, sweet, and (dare I say it?) loving that you almost kind of want to pretend he didn't kidnap Beck's fuck buddy. Unrelated (but still kind of related) point: Penn Badgley has the most Scorpio I've ever fucking seen in a chart (5 Scorpio placements and a rumored Scorpio ascendent) which, according to astro-Twitter, makes him perfect for the role. And apparently, looking up celebrity charts is something I do now.

Yep, I have a type....Dashing but Dangerous

Just a brief summary of the show and I'll explain how that relates to the song, I promise. "You" centers around Joe's inner narrative after he has a "love at first sight" experience surrounding this girl, Beck. Instead of doing something normal, like asking her out, he immediately starts researching her, and then uses that research to slowly insinuate himself into her life and seduce her. And it works. Because, of course, it would. I think I've said it before on this blog but I would think it's romantic if someone wanted to know absolutely everything about me. Then that little voice in my head tells me "you're not that fucking interesting." Neither is Beck, by the way, it turns out. However, the way Joe talks about Beck in his head is almost like she's a science experiment, a puzzle to figure out, and/or a mythological creature to capture. Then you cut to the scenes where she's just being herself and she's just a normal girl doing normal girl things. Trying to be a writer in NYC even though she has this crushing feeling that she's terrible at it; dodging expensive gifts from self-righteous friends because she knows they come with strings attached; and asking herself why she gives in every time her fuck buddy decides he wants her company. So....yes. Yes, Joe looks like a savior to Beck, because he seems like he actually cares about her and she wants so desperately to be loved by somebody. But - and I haven't watched the whole series yet (however, I did peek ahead) - it doesn't end well for her.

You've got this new head filled up with smoke

And I've got my veins all tangled close

To the jukebox bars you frequent

The safest place to hide

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness

You start shaking at the thought

you are everything I want

'Cause you are everything I'm not

Let's move onto the song, shall we? The narrative of the song follows a similar line as "You." This average guy meets a girl that he knows is way out of his league. But he just wants to get close to her, be close to her, even if hanging out in the same places is all it ever is. He "trip[s] over everything" she says, because he's just so amazed she's talking to him, it's almost unreal. Then, in the second verse, against all reason - in spite of his lame "you are so cool" pick up line - it's implied that he gets her into bed. But after that, we don't really know what happens. Except in the bridge, he says he's going to "make damn sure that [she] can't ever leave." How does he do that, pray tell? Manipulation? Murder? "You won't ever get too far from me." I think that's the most chilling part. No matter what she does, she can't escape. But it's the chorus that really reminds me of Joe Goldburg the most. "I just want to break you down so badly." Like reverse engineering. You break something down until you have the component pieces to get a better understanding of the whole mechanism. Find out what makes her tick. It's not a painless process.

To round out this post, let's talk about an archetype that's more of a fictional trope: the wolf in sheep's clothing. Both "You" and "MakeDamnSure" make the main character (or singer) out to be a nice guy, when in fact their motivations are corrupt. The goal in both cases isn't love, but possession. Beck thinks she's making her own choices but the whole time, she's being manipulated into situations by Joe. Even the imagery in "MakeDamnSure" is reminiscent of Little Red Riding Hood, which we learned way back in September was a cautionary tale about unchecked sexual obsession. Unfortunately, the world is full of wolves in sheep's clothing because manipulation is a very effective tactic. When used effectively, the manipulator preys on our greatest weaknesses -  our need for social acceptance and praise, our motivation to succeed, and even our desire to be wanted or loved. If the wolf plays their cards right, they can have you crawling back for more (even after you've said enough's enough).

Questions to consider:

• What areas of your life don't you feel free in? Why not? What could you do to feel freedom again? And, the million dollar question, do you actually want freedom? (There are no wrong answers - if you're afraid your answer is not "socially acceptable," then that's something you need to look take a deeper look at.)
• What habits or obsessions are occupying your mind? Why? And are you handling them in a healthy way (e.g., taking a moment to meditate/clear your mind, focusing on something else, psychotherapy)?
• In your personal interactions, how often do you feel like you're being manipulated? Or how often do you find yourself manipulating others? 

“Do you know that one day I'll kill you? I won't do it because I'm no longer in love with you, or because I'm jealous, but—I'll just kill you for no better reason that I sometimes long to devour you.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Gambler

"MakeDamnSure" Video

An Attempt to Capture the Reality of Anhedonia (Joji- Yeah Right)

Hi. My name is Adam and I am a highly functional depressed motherfucker. Since we're doing the whole 'truly facing our shit' this month let's have a good ole discussion about numbness. Also, before you ask, yes I slammed this out in a couple of hours. Actually, it took me days, see confession three.

Origins of depression are difficult to describe; as a nascent neuroscientist and doctor in training there's an axiom that seems applicable- "structure dictates function which dictates behavior which can dictate structure." This tautology gets at the core of something that many people who don't suffer from Major Depressive Disorder don't quite understand. Doctors can give you SSRIs, they can hit you with NDRIs and NMDA receptor antagonists (Ketamine, the hot new treatment for acute depressive crisis falls into this category) and they can make the state of living with depression for lack of a better word, comfortable.

However, the thought patterns remain.

What also remains is the things you do in your past during the anhedonia that can accompany depression.

Anhedonia (n)

 1. The inability to feel pleasure

2. The worst fucking symptom of depression (personal definition)

Oddly enough, Anhedonia and confessions are the basis of this post. The video for Joji's song Yeah Right is an almost perfect simulacrum of anhedonia. Specifically, the use of the imagery of him being depressed at a strip club, twerked on by two women and all he does is sit there eyes closed and stone faced hits home as a great capture of the realities of not feeling.

Confession number one: I have been this person and I've been worse. The refrain of "yeah right, yeah right" is a familiar one to me. There are a lot of things things I did during this period, but perhaps the most damaging was exploring a lot of my sexuality while also doing a lot of drugs. When you are slamming uppers and downers as hard as possible, playing with whips and ropes and you still feel like shit? Well those things become part of a category I call 'That stuff I did when depressed.' Where it creates damage is in associating things you might otherwise enjoy outside of that state with anhedonia.

Ultimately, your psyche becomes a superfund site of toxic memory engrams that need to be cleaned up; since behavior can dictate structure after all. The wreckage of this can last for as long as one allows, but eventually it must be cleaned up. Going through it is like revisiting an old lover; one that knows you intimately, but one that you can no longer stomach. You have to face the worst parts of what you did in your life, look it in the eye, confront it, and understand that you are no longer that person in many ways, but it is always a part of you. This last bit as a fact of life you must make peace with to move on.

Confession number two: I am unsure if one is able to pull themselves out of a severe state of anhedonia without help. I was unable to accomplish this despite desperately wanting to escape. The only way I was able to reach the other side was to engage with a psychiatrist and accept that taking the drugs wouldn't change me, they would simply help me cope with my new reality. I needed to accept and internalize the fact that the drugs wouldn't change me. I would retain my best qualities, intelligence, writing ability, and empathy. The drugs would simply help me cope with my new reality created by my experiences. The results have been overall extremely effective, but I still occasionally have breakthrough depression and intrusive thoughts. I've been told by someone who is near to me, and qualified, that my intrusive thoughts of suicide are normal, but they still scare me (which is perhaps the correct response). Things aren't perfect, but medication is a primary reason I am here to write this post and I will forever be grateful to it, and I'll never miss a dose. The thought of returning to those times is one that I find to be a horrific abyss that should not be stared at too long.

Confession number three: This is the hardest post I've ever written for music slut. One might think that's because it required me to revisit 'that stuff I did when depressed,' however this is not the case. The reality is that within the deepest depths of my anhedonia I met a woman. At the time she was in a relationship but I felt intensely for her, one of the few things I felt that wasn't numbness or rage, but set them aside. That was around ten years ago and that relationship has since ended. We recently ended a period of being out of contact with one another, and found ourselves falling head first into a relationship together. So, I have a girlfriend and she makes the world seem right. The truth is I'm writing this post about the worst time in my life in a head space where I am the best I've ever been, I am with a wonderful woman who loves and supports me, the kind of woman you feel you can take on the world with and still be standing at the end of it all. The relationship by no means fixed me, but fixing myself allowed me to be in a position to be in this relationship and for it to bring me the rest of the way. The net result of a lot of work cleaning up my personal superfund site and this relationship means that anhedonia has become a distant foreign land. What was once the reality of my daily life has become a distant foreign concept that exists in a space as if half remembered in a dream. 

That's my three confessions for shadow month. Check out Joji's Yeah Right and try to feel what it's like to be unable to feel.

"Torn" by Edna Swap

Fun fact: The Natalia Imbruglia version of "Torn," (i.e., the most famous version) is a cover. I bet you haven't even heard the original, which is why I decided to feature it today. I tracked it down just to do a little musical education for myself, because I was going to use the Natalie version until I did my research. Turns out I really like the first pressing. Don't get me wrong - I love the Natalia Imbruglia version. I heard it on the radio a couple weeks ago, when I was riding around with my parents, and I think that was the first time I had really actually listened and understood the words. But Edna Swap's original, while a bit rougher around the edges, hits a little harder for me. Brings the meaning home, in a sense.

I have a tendency to idealize things. Especially people. Guess I was always looking for a savior - and I found several. Not just people, but situations, hopes, dreams. All with tons of potential. But they never measured up. Things eventually became imperfect, somehow, and that's what always broke my heart. That's what the song is about. Falling in love with the potential and then being disappointed with the reality. Afterwards, you just feel drained and empty. And oh so vulnerable. That's the worst part. Like you wasted your time, your love, your effort. Where do you go after that? Well, inwards obviously. To figure out what you needed saving from, for starters. An already disappointing life? What was so disappointing about it? A lot of people run towards fantasies to avoid the actual problems in their life. It's normal. American culture even encourages it a bit. But it's not healthy. And it won't make you happy.

This takes us back to The Lover archetype and its shadows. Both shadows (The Addicted Lover and The Impotent Lover) have a problem with idealizing others, which ultimately is a way to allocate personal responsibility from themselves and push it onto others. It manifests in the Addicted Lover as moving from person to person, passion to passion, searching for something that they can't seem to find. He'll stay engrossed until something breaks the illusion, then he'll drop it for something else, hoping it fills the void. On the flip side, the Impotent Lover may have found that ideal, that something he was looking for, and yet, feels powerless to pursue it. With perfection just out of his reach, disappointment shades everything else, making life seem dull. For a person who has not maximized The Lover's potential, they may shift between these two different poles. We sort of see what that looks like in the lyrics of "Torn." The man she met seemed perfect and wonderful. Then something happened and when she saw the reality of the situation - that who she wanted him to be is not who he was - she felt like a fool to allow herself to become so vulnerable. And she's surrendered to the inevitable. The fantasy has dissolved and she has to let it go because you can't go back to how things were before.

So I guess the fortune teller's right

I should have seen just what was there

And not some holy light

But you crawled beneath my veins and now

I don't care, I have no luck

I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things

That I can't touch, I'm torn

So how do we deal with this aspect of the shadow? Well, as we've learned already, The Lover energy is all about staying present. Enjoying the sensations you're feeling but staying grounded in reality. To do that, you have to slow down and talk to yourself, especially when you feel like you're being carried away by a strong emotion. In the moment, ask yourself these questions:

• When you find yourself thinking everything is perfect: Am I idealizing this person or situation? If so, what am I idealizing and why? Assess before taking any next steps. 
• When you find yourself disappointed: What were my expectations? Were my expectations abnormally high? If not, did you communicate what your expectations were?
• When you're idealizing a person: Can you find anything you don't like? Are they flaws you can live with? In the first few months of a relationship, people tend to ignore red flags that would've indicated that it wasn't going to work out. Anger and trust issues. Different core values. Incompatible life goals. The things you find yourself shrugging off and tolerating in the beginning are usually the reasons why the relationship ends. 
• When you're idealizing a situation: What is actually happening here? How does the situation look from an outside perspective? Find a friend who is willing to be honest and take note of how you react to what they say. If you find yourself getting defensive, that's a big indicator that you're trying to protect your fantasy and you need to step back.

The above advice may seem kind of cynical, especially when it comes to relationships. But, as someone who has jumped into many situations without taking my own advice (or the advice of others), slowing down does make a difference. I had a friend tell me once that I was always running when she saw me. I've always felt this urgency. Everything has to happen now, or else it won't happen. The fear of missing out. Word to the wise - missing out on something not the worst thing that could happen. Because what happens when that thing or person you're running towards turns out not to be worth it? Well, it turns into just another lesson on your journey and, hopefully, you're better for the experience.

“Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in it's place?” - Virginia Woolf

"Torn" Video

"Rivers and Roads" by The Head and the Heart

This is a continuation of my Scorpio rant from the other day, because I forgot some stuff that I wanted to include. As I said, Scorpio's ruler is Pluto, the Roman God of Death. In the tarot deck, all the Major Arcana have astrological correspondences. The Death card corresponds with Scorpio and, just like the sign, it is often misunderstood. Everything comes in cycles. The days, the seasons, the years. Life in general. To be trite and quote Semisonic, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." This is what the Death card symbolizes. We have to release something to be reborn. It's about transformation. The last full moon was an opportunity to release what is no longer serving you, letting go of what isn't meant for you, in order to fully embrace what's ahead. It's important to remember you're always changing - who you are right now is different from who you were a year ago, a week ago, even a minute ago. In order to move forward, sometimes you have to forgive and forget the past. You have to be willing to let go of who you were, to become who you're meant to be. We remain unfinished until the very end. Only then does the pattern fully appear.

Since we're already talking about moon magic, we're now in a waning cycle up until the next new moon, which is the best time to do shadow work. It's about uncovering the darkness and disappointments, the regrets and fear, and then letting them go in order to move onto the next stage. I picked "Rivers and Roads," because the song is ultimately about accepting and embracing change, even if it hurts a bit. Going back to our archetypes, we'll begin with my old standby, The Hero's Journey, with some tarot knowledge thrown in. Remember, the Hero is always thrown into his journey unsuspecting and - sometimes - unwilling to go forward. Until something gives him just a little push (because everybody needs that little push). He begins as the Fool, starting with a leap of faith into a new beginning. I won't go through all the Major Arcana, but the Hero goes through a few stages that can roughly be translated into the symbolism found in the tarot. He has to confront his own rigid ideas or make a choice to commit to something (The Hierophant); he will have to make choices - and the right choice will always be to follow what his heart (or intuition) is telling him; and eventually, he'll reach a point where he just has to stop and reassess (The Hermit). The Death card is right in the middle of Major Arcana, immediately preceded by The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man symbolizes a need to see something from a different point of view and often, this is what spurs the rebirth of the Hero. It is all leading up to the first major conflict, which always seems like a defeat (The Tower). But usually, that's just a "come to Jesus" moment, which is why The Star follows - trusting in Faith, Hope, and your own inner guidance. This is what will fortify him for the final battle and his ultimate triumph (Judgement). And finally, he can return home and rest until his next adventure begins (The World).

Nothing is as it has been

And I miss your face like Hell

And I guess it's just as well

But I miss your face like Hell

For today, let's talk about how we embrace change. It has a lot to do about how we handle past disappointments and regrets. Do we dwell on them? Do we consciously incorporate the lessons we learn as we go forward? Or do we let them color how we approach life?

• Think about your biggest regret. Why do is it a regret? Is it something you didn't do that you wanted to? Was it a mistake you wish you could take back? Whatever it is, only think about it for a moment....and then forgive yourself. Something that came to me while watching "Avenger's Endgame" was that we can't truly correct mistakes. Sometimes, we can try to put things back the way they were. But they still happened and thus, everything is changed anyway. Dwelling on the past won't un-do it. It just keeps us from enjoying the present.
• How do you approach your day? Negatively? Positively? Neutral? As an experiment, set an intention for a couple of days that you're going to enjoy your day, regardless of what happens. Record how you feel after the experiment is over. Our expectations color how we experience our life - so if you think it's going to be the same shit everyday, that's how it will be.
• Are you actively cultivating change within your own life? Such as trying new things, meeting new people, getting out of your comfort zone for a moment or two. Growth happens during the uncomfortable times - when life just keeps throwing you curve balls. If things have gotten a bit mundane, maybe it's time to force a small change, just to get the ball rolling.

While writing this, I've been contemplating the meaning of this song. It's about how time and distance doesn't always dull the pain associated with losing touch with the people we love in our lives. Some wounds just don't heal. You just get used to living with the dull ache. An example would be like our childhood friends whom we were once so close to have become strangers as life has taken us down different paths. I'm one of those people who wonders how people are doing, even if we haven't talked for years. Even decades. Growing up a military brat, goodbyes were something I feel like I got way too good at. I feel envious of people who can say they're still close with their childhood best friend. I've had many "best friends" over the years, but none of them were permanent, none of them were forever. Forever isn't a real thing, though. Permanence is an illusion, I've learned, so I've grown to accept that things change, relationships change, in spite of what we want. But I still think of them all fondly and hope their lives are going well.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” - Paulo Coelho

"Rivers and Roads" Video

"Change (In the House of Flies)" by Deftones

Today is the Full Moon in Scorpio, so I wanted to choose something a little dark. I'm also really feeling the energy for the past day or so. I have two planets in Scorpio - the moon, which rules over how we handle emotions and relationships, and Pluto, which is Scorpio's planetary ruler that also rules over death. Scorpio, as a sign, is rather misunderstood. On astro-Twitter, people with Scorpio placements tend to be boiled down to being mysterious and secretive, and also really good at sex (note: this is categorically un-true....being a Scorpio does not automatically make you good at sex). Scorpio is a water sign, which may strike some as odd since scorpions are a desert creature. Distill this down to symbolism, there is water in the desert....you just have dig. And dig. And dig. And that gives you a taste of what Scorpio is really about. Depth. People with Scorpio placements - especially intense Scorpio placements - aren't what they seem at first glance. They have an innate sense that not all is what it seems - and they feel compelled to go searching for it. They want a deeper meaning, because everything seems so senseless. There has to be something more. Not coincidentally, all my Millennial kindred who were born from Nov 1983 to May 1984 and from Aug 1984 to Jan 1995 have their Pluto in Scorpio. I have a theory that this is a factor in why witchcraft, paganism, and other New Age beliefs are having such a resurgence currently - people born during this time finally have jobs and are out of their parents houses, so they have the freedom and money to spend on tarot cards, crystals, and astrology books.

I'm going to end my astrology rant right there, even though I find astrology endlessly fascinating and could probably rant on it for hours. Give me a couple years and I might even be certified to actually do that. Anyway, the Scorpio Full Moon does come with this intensely sexual but dark energy. Think having sex with someone you're not supposed to, in secret. Perhaps in a cemetery. Maybe that person's a vampire. Who knows? Let your imagination run wild. I first heard "Change (In the House of Flies)" when I went to see "The Queen of the Damned" in theatres circa 2002 (because I'm the type of loser who read all The Vampire Chronicles and will see all film adaptations of Anne Rice novels, no matter how terrible they are). Full disclosure: The movie is mediocre. Aaliyah's (RIP) performance as Akasha was amazing, but other than that, things could've been done so much better. However, the soundtrack to that film is phenomenal. Quite possibly one of the greatest film soundtracks of all time....and that is a hill I'm willing to die on. It pulls together music from some of the best goth rock/metal artists of the era, including Marilyn Manson, David Draiman, and Static-X, to name a few. This soundtrack was one of my first introductions to the darker themes and sounds in the music scene and it always reminds me of my spooky, quiet girl roots.

Deftones lead singer, Chino Moreno, says that it's a metaphorical song. It's about treating others like shit (or taking them for granted and not giving them the love and attention they deserve) and then being completely blown away when you see them flourishing without you in their lives. In my head, I've always associated it with a situation where a boy rejects a girl but then he starts wanting her again after she takes power over her own life and starts to shine on her own. If I may dive into the language of romantic comedies, it calls to mind a scene in one of my favorite Meg Ryan movies, "French Kiss." In the scene, Kate (Meg Ryan) has succeeded in attracting her fiance back from the arms of his gorgeous French mistress. They're starting to get busy and Charlie says "it's like someone lit a fire in you." And she asks him, "Why weren't you the one? The one who turned on this big shiny Kate-light that burns so bright?" After that, she reminds him that she's still herself, she's just more herself than she ever was with him. And that's the thing - if the people you're around don't inspire you to be the most amazingly authentic you that you can be....if they keep trying to change who you are to fit them....what are they doing in your life? Also, Kate never had to try to be someone different with Luc, he just liked her how she was, weird neuroses and all. She was already lovable - why chase after some schmuck who didn't see that light glowing already?

I took you home

Set you on the glass

I pulled off your wings

Then I laughed

I watched a change in you

It's like you never had wings

Now you feel so alive

I have watched you change

No archetype today, we're just going to go straight to the shadow work questions, because I've already ranted a little bit too long and I have a party to go to. We're going to focus on personal power and authenticity, and whether or not we're owning ourselves. Ask yourself the following questions:

• How much of what you do is to please other people? Do you find yourself worrying about doing things you want to do because of the opinions/reactions of the people in your life?
• Do you feel like anyone really understands you? Or do you feel like you're hiding parts of yourself to keep the peace?
• In your relationships (romantic, friendships, work, family), are your needs being met? Sexual needs (e.g., physical affection and stimulation), Social needs (e.g., attention, recognition, quality time), Intellectual needs (e.g., stimulating conversations, learning new things). Do you even know what those needs are?
• If you're not having your needs met, have you tried to address them with the people in your life? What were their reactions if you have?
• If you got a negative reaction, did you put your needs aside just to "keep the peace" i.e., keep the other person happy?
• Do you feel like you can be yourself in most situations? If not, what situations result in you putting on a mask?
• Finally, are you being supportive of others being their most authentic selves or do you find yourself being critical? This isn't to say you have to like everything about someone, but are you able to be compassionate and understanding when others are trying new things?

A lot of personal power is tied up in this idea of the "authentic self" and to get to that, you have to know who you are when you're not trying to be anything. You have to be able to identify whether or not you're pretending to be someone you're not. You also need to be clear on what your needs are in order to properly understand if they're being met. This can get kind of difficult because if you've been wearing the facade for a long time, others may criticize you for being "fake," pretending to be someone else, or say that it's out of character for you to vocalize what you want. Usually, this happens because the facade you wore was beneficial for them in some way. Maybe you never pushed them on their bad habits before or always let them be the center of attention. Or maybe you never voiced how annoyed you were that they were always making the plans or making choices for you without asking. It's important to note that the people who are worth keeping around are the ones who will understand the changes and maybe even encourage them, because they just want you to be happy.

I'll end with a little Twitter wisdom/film humor to wrap this up. If a girl's eyeliner game gets fabulous all of a sudden, she's turned evil. And it's probably too late to run. 

"Change (In the House of Flies)" Video

"Family Portrait" by P!nk

I was going to write this on Sunday but I decided to wait a few days to let my thoughts settle before I shit on everyone's Mother's Day. But, there it is...I'm still feeling some sort of way about it so I'll just let it go. Any biologically female human can be a mother. As long as all the parts work, it ain't that hard to have a child. (In fact, due to recent legislative developments, it may actually be harder to not have a child.) So - it goes without saying - there are some really shitty moms out there. Some of them probably don't even know they're shitty. They just "care too much," and that's their justification violating all sorts of boundaries. Those ones are the worst. I won't lie and say I'm not biased. In some ways, I feel like I was lucky things got as bad with my mom as they did. Now that I'm a mom myself, I know what not to do and I'm determined to not repeat the cycle. Unfortunately, others will end up making the same mistakes their parents made, because they've been convinced they weren't mistakes. And that's what's really sad.

When "Family Portrait" first came out, it used to trigger me a lot. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I will get to a place where I feel really good about things, really accepting of how things were, and then something will come up that results in a quiet breakdown. It doesn't happen as often anymore and I've reached a sufficient level of mental calm that these moments are surprisingly brief. But they still happen and you just have to accept that, too. "Family Portrait" was a reminder to me that I'm not the only person who had a childhood like this. I like the imagery that P!nk uses in the video. She's basically comforting her inner child, which seems kind of silly but is so necessary. When you're in the drama, you can feel so lonely and isolated, so it's almost comforting to know that - while what you're experiencing may be terrible - you are not unique. Other people had parents who fought constantly, had a father who was absent for large portions of their life (regardless of the reason, e.g., deployments, this is difficult on a child), and/or had a domineering mother. Unlike the song, though, I didn't think divorce was such a terrible option at the time. I still don't - not all marriages are good and there should be a way to end them before more damage is done.

Momma please stop crying, I can't stand the sound

Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down

I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed

I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said

You fight about money, 'bout me and my brother

And this I come home to, this is my shelter

It ain't easy growing up in World War three

Never knowing what love could be, you'll see

I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family

The Mother is a master feminine archetype and we mostly associate her with warm, loving, nurturing energy and qualities. People who tend to embody this archetype tend to be especially responsible and caring. They're very protective naturally and tend to be the people watching out for everyone else, emotionally and physically. However, in the shadow, this role of the caretaker becomes her entire identity and any potential loss of her metaphorical "children" becomes a fight for survival. She becomes possessive, manipulative, and controlling. In the Mother's shadow, her children (or surrogates) become an extension of her own identity. Any spark of individuality can be interpreted as attempted abandonment. She may be overbearing, forcing her thoughts and opinions on others until they comply just to make her happy. On the flip side, the Shadow Mother struggles with maintaining her own boundaries, often giving so much that she becomes resentful.

I'll take some examples out of my own personal life, since we've already gone down that rabbit hole. The shadow Mother does a lot of projection, since her children are essentially an extension of herself. My mom often criticized my choice of clothes, my weight, my friends, what I ate, and so on. She definitely didn't like it when I acted defiant or questioned her authority. If I didn't follow her rules, I was embarrassing for her to be seen with. The thing I remember most, though, is that she was overly concerned with being seen as beautiful (and she didn't need to be). I still struggle with that one at times - that something isn't working out in my life because I'm not "beautiful" enough, as if that would make a difference. If only I was beautiful, all my dreams will come true! It's insane. You don't have to tell me - I remind my brain of that every day. Projection is something we all do at some point, especially when it comes to our children. The goal is to be aware of it and stop yourself before it gets out of hand. When I look at my son, I see traits that are mine, traits that are my husband's, and something else that is uniquely him. And I don't want to snuff out that beautiful, special part of my son by criticizing the parts of me he's mirroring. Because I know how delicate that flame is. One day, you have a perfectly happy, free kid. The next, he's concerned that people will laugh at him when he's just being himself (which includes dancing like a madman to Imagine Dragons and Taylor Swift). If I can spare him the pain of social anxiety and Imposter Syndrome, I'd like to do that.

Long story short - the shadow-side of the Mother archetype is a nasty piece of work that can have generational consequences if not reigned in. A few questions you need to ask yourself while exploring The Mother's shadow:

• What is your vision of the ideal parent (mother and/or father)? Did your own parents reflect those ideals? 
• What things did your parents do that left you feeling unloved or unworthy? Are these things you are overcritical of yourself for now?
• Does it anger you when your loved ones don't follow your suggestions, even small ones?
• Do you find yourself resorting to manipulation to get your loved ones to do what you want?
• Do you feel obligated to be constantly giving? Alternatively, do you find it hard to say "no" to people, especially loved ones? If so, do you feel resentful?

I'm sure there more but those questions are more than enough to get you started. Next, how do you heal a shadow Mother? It's all about those damn boundaries again - both others and your own. Be selective about your giving - you don't need to say "yes" all the time. Respect others individuality and autonomy - they can manage themselves. In fact, people need to manage themselves in order to learn and grow. Face your fear of abandonment. People leaving you isn't the worst thing in the world. Accept the end of past relationships, let go of resentment, and forgive. You're only hurting yourself by holding onto that pain. And, finally, if/when you have children of your own, understand what you wanted in a parent (but may have never had) and try to be that for them. 

“Our past may explain why we're suffering but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.” - Joyce Meyer

"Family Portrait" Video

"Bad Liar" by Imagine Dragons

::WARNING:: There may be some (very minor) Game of Thrones spoilers. But, if you've watched the past few seasons, you probably saw it coming anyway. ::END::

My son loves Imagine Dragons. I'm not sure if he likes them because I like them, or if I started liking them because he enjoyed their music. He's definitely the bigger fan, between the two of us. Whenever their music videos come on our playlist, he dances with wild abandon, like only children do. Sometimes I join him. "Bad Liar" is one of our favorites to dance to. In the video, a girl is dancing - mostly classical freestyle. Gives me a chance to break out the old ballet moves. I'm not very good at spotting but I can do at least a single pirouette decent enough.

The video is a little disturbing to me but it matches the song perfectly. In the video, there's a guy hanging from an invisible rope. He seems dead. A girl walks in and starts dancing. For him. Trying to bring him back to life. Trying to show him what it's like to be free and alive. He's following her but through no effort of his own. And she's trying so hard but she's losing patience and getting frustrated. At the end, his noose is released and he drops to the floor. She bows and walks away. It's a metaphor. Presumably, after the video ends, he comes back to life. But it's too late. She's already gone.

Oh, hush, my dear, it's been a difficult year

And terrors don’t prey on innocent victims

Trust me, darlin', trust me darlin'

It’s been a loveless year

I'm a man of three fears

Integrity, faith and crocodile tears

Trust me, darlin', trust me, darlin'

This song (and its associated video) reminded me of The Impotent Lover archetype, a shadow version of the master masculine archetype, The Lover. The Impotent Lover has lost his passion for life and is just existing in a dull, grey world. He's consumed by loneliness, even in a room full of people. He's cut himself off from his friends, his family, but - most of all - he's cut off from himself. Ultimately, he's cut himself off from his own emotions. In a world devoid of pleasure, at least he can avoid the pain. He's lost his identity so it often feels as if he's watching a life that isn't his own, as if it's a movie he has no interest in. 

The Impotent Lover usually has too much discipline and limits, that he can't enjoy the fullness of life. He lives so much in his head that he feels powerless and this may manifest in various ways. The most obvious (given the name of the archetype) may be a loss of sex drive or sexual dysfunction. He may seem bored and listless. Or, when offered something he desires, he may come up with a reason why he cannot indulge. Because of so many rules and restrictions, there may be a great reserve of anger and envy bubbling under the surface, waiting to come out in self-destructive ways. Excessive alcohol and drug abuse, thrill-seeking, obsessive behavior, promiscuity - effectively turning him into the active shadow, The Addicted Lover.

I'm caught up on GoT now and, having watched the most recent episode, this song could definitely stand in  as the theme for Jaime Lannister. A good woman loves him, in spite of all his faults, even though he's not in the same shape he used to be (he's missing an arm), even knowing his past (including the whole incestuous relationship with his twin thing). She stood up for him, fought zombies next to him, and probably would've died for him if it came down to it. But he leaves her outside Winterfell - freezing in her robe, full on ugly crying while begging him to stay - to return to his cruel, sadistic, manipulative sister (Cersei). Cersei would kill him (or have him killed) without another thought. She couldn't care less about him, so what the fuck is he doing?!

I agree. On the surface, it seems like he's - literally - the worst. But I must have compassion for Jaime - I imagine he's feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. His relationship with Cersei was/is really fucked up (he manifests as The Addicted Lover within its context). He has murdered for her, lied for her, done everything he could to serve her. Jaime even says as much in his goodbye, with the implication that he must love her if he did all those terrible things, if he endured all her madness and cruelty. But, in earlier episodes, he confesses that he's genuinely afraid of Cersei. And you cannot love what you fear. Fear is the antithesis of Love. But Jaime doesn't understand that - no, what's going through his head is that he cannot be redeemed. That is unchangeable - no matter what good he's done since then doesn't change his situation. So when faced with real love, all these feelings of unworthiness and doubt arose. Jaime walked away because he loved Brienne enough to know that she deserves better than him. And maybe she does (fuck yeah, OF COURSE she does!). But the heart wants what it wants.

I can't breathe, I can't be

I can't be what you want me to be

Believe me, this one time

Believe me

I'm starting to get all hopeless romantic on y'all, so let's cut to the chase. The Lover archetype is about being present in your life and pursuing your passions in a healthy way. A few questions to ask yourself when exploring its shadows:

• Are you enjoying what you have in your life now? If you are, engage in more of whatever makes you happy. If not, make a change - take a class, start a hobby, go on that trip of a lifetime, indulge in a Chai Tea Frappuccino....something that will ignite your excitement. Again, writing down a list of things you want to do (hobbies, adventures, food places) is great for figuring this out.
• Are you rushing through the pleasures of life (eating, sex, cashmere)? If so, why? And what can you do to slow down and enjoy the small things?
• Are you taking time for romance? Yes, I'm talking the "red roses, love poems, serenades under the balcony, dinner on the rooftop then dancing under the stars" type of romance. Okay, maybe not that far, but it is called The Lover archetype for a reason....be creative with it.
• Are you being fully present in your life? Or are you constantly looking for the next distraction?
• Do you allow yourself to feel your emotions? Or do you bottle them up? Or are you constantly over-analyzing them and trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't be feeling a certain way? If you do one of the latter two, try to understand why you do that.
• Finally - and this is the toughest one - do you love yourself? Do you believe you deserve love? A lot of people think they do, but when they start to make an effort to love themselves, they realize a lot of their actions have been self-sabotage. If the answer is no, taking time to discover your passions will help.

I'm going to end with a quote from my favorite real-life embodiment of The Lover, F. Scott Fitzgerald. I read it on my Twitter feed (because I'm one of those dorks who follows an F.S.F. quote bot) and thought it was the perfect description of The Lover archetype in literature:

"In her presence he was too absorbed to notice his surroundings; so that her absence never made them empty, but, rather, sent him seeking for her through haunted rooms and gardens that he had never really seen before." - from Basil & Cleopatra

"Bad Liar" Video

"Broken Angel" by Hanson

Well, here comes my inner nerd again....today is Hanson Day, my friends. It is in Oklahoma, at least, and as a former (and forever) fan, May 6th will live on in my memory as such. Side note - I've always considered 6 a lucky number for me. Several important people in my life (including myself) were born on the 6th, multiple key days in my life fall on the 6, and I pretty sure that if I ever win the lotto, the number 6 will be involved somehow. Now, I'm sure you can understand my dilemma of trying to find a sufficiently dark Hanson song to write about today. Two came to mind instantly. "Broken Angel" and "Lulabelle." Personally, despite it's lullaby-like whimsical sound, I think "Lulabelle" is the darker (and more sad) of the two but I think that's mostly because of the back story I've ascribed to it. True to form, these are two of my favorite Hanson songs. Not coincidentally, they are both sung by Zac. Don't get me wrong....Taylor's great. But I prefer the huskiness in Zac's voice. It has more soul, in my opinion.

If you listen to the lyrics, "Broken Angel" is about an angel trying to fit in - maybe punching above his weight a little - but he's doing his best. But his best never seems to be enough for those judging him. As a result, he does something a little reckless to prove himself, but he pays for it in the end. When asked about the song in an interview, Zac said it was about the disappointments we face in life. Even if you go after a dream, you may not achieve it. Even if you find the perfect person, you might not be together forever. Fairy tales don't always come true, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in them. The fact that these moments are so rare is what makes them precious and beautiful, and we should keep looking for them. In Zac's words, "you should still get up and strive to be a better person, live a better life and do these things; not to fall into the norm, but strive to do something great with your life." I concur, which is why I'm so hopeful still. Just because things didn't work out this time doesn't mean you should give up.

I pull my way up through this crowd 

To find your body crushed on the ground 

It's so obvious; why couldn't you see?

That you can't go high-flying 

Without a pair of high-flyer wings?

Little one's broken lying on the ground 

Trying to get up 'till his last breath out 

Wings are strewn everywhere; there's blood all around 

'Cause even angels die, but that light just fades 

It's so sad, but he'd be so proud 

The archetype I wanted to discuss today is a shadow of the King, a master masculine archetype - the Weakling. He lacks confidence and security in himself, and thus gives his power away to others. He allows those others to tell him who he is and how he should behave. Even how he should feel about certain situations. Because he feels powerless in his own life, he may be oversensitive to the moods and criticism over those who he perceives to have power over him - his supervisor, his friends, or his significant other. - and may feel desperate for their approval or validation. When he doesn't get it, he grows despondent because he has no identity without it. This feeling of powerlessness leaves The Weakling doubtful of his ability to lead, act, or even make decisions within his own life.

The Weakling is often a doormat, giving in to other's whims easily and allowing them to shape his identity. If you're manifesting this shadow in your own life, this may take the form of poor boundaries - letting people get away with treating you disrespectfully or allowing them to disregard your needs to avoid confrontation. It may manifest as Imposter Syndrome, forever paranoid that someone will discover that you're a fraud who doesn't know anything. You may come of as confident - maybe even a little arrogant - but deep down, you're afraid that you're not actually as good as you say you are.

It's important to look at these different aspects of the Weakling in order to bring ourselves into alignment with our inner King energy, which is balanced, decisive, and driven; has clear values and boundaries; has a strong sense of identity, with very little need for external validation; and is actively pursuing a greater purpose within his life. Essentially, with The King archetype and its shadows, we're concerned with being in our own power, which includes being cognizant of how we wield it (or if wield it at all). Some questions to ask during shadow work:

• Do I let others tell me who I am? Do I let others tell me how to feel or behave?
• What negative beliefs do I hold about myself? Can I identify the original source? - This requires examining your personal relationships (especially parental and romantic relationships) and being honest about how much negativity others project onto you. It may be uncomfortable to admit that people you love have subconsciously programmed you to think badly about yourself. Don't worry - we'll handle how to address that in a couple sentences.
• Do I have a clear vision for my life? Or did I have a clear vision/dream at some point that I chose to give up on? If so, why did I give up on it?
• Am I overly dependent on external validation? How do I react when I don't receive the validation I need from someone (especially loved ones)?
• Do I let others violate my boundaries? - For example, if a loved one breaks a promise or returns to a behavior after you've already said makes you unhappy, do you hold your ground (reinforce your boundary) or pretend to let it go (even though you're privately hurt)?

Those should take a while to sort through, because these questions tend to reveal core wounds. Fear of abandonment or rejection. Feeling unloved and unworthy because of something intrinsic to ourselves. Things that make as act out in unpredictable ways that may not always be in our own best interest. Luckily, inner child work, defining clear boundaries, and developing/understanding our core values and goals can help resolve most of these issues.

• There are multiple ways to develop a vision for your life. The simplest way is to write down what you want to accomplish in your life and start pursuing it. Good exercises are coming up with a Bucket List, creating a dream board, or writing your own obituary (a personal favorite - my obituary has been revised/re-written several times). The point is to be clear about what you want in life, which people really need to start doing earlier.
• Write down all your good qualities and then craft personalized affirmations - e.g., I am wonderfully creative individual with tons of ideas.
• When someone upsets you because of something they did, tell them. If they do it again, tell them again in very definite terms. And if they keep doing it, even though they know it upsets you, really consider whether or not you need to have that person in your life. Please note that I'm not talking about annoying ticks like chewing too loudly. I'm talking about big things like lying to you or keeping secrets (even small, seemingly innocuous things), violating your personal space, lashing out at you when they're upset, ignoring your needs, gaslighting - just generally abusive stuff that we've come to accept because, well, that's "normal" in a relationship, right? No. Not in healthy one.
• When someone criticizes you, really consider whether it's a) warranted and b) true. Don't let others tell you who you are. And if they do, kindly tell them to fuck off (if possible - this is probably not suitable in all situations). 
• Really take notice how the people you hang around react to you implementing the above two suggestions. If they are not supportive and don't respect the boundaries you set (or get upset that you're setting boundaries), really consider how much you need to interact with those people. Yes, this includes family, which is why that makes it an uncomfortable step.
• When interacting with others, be aware of whether or not you are respecting their boundaries and identity. All people deserve to be treated with respect and decency, regardless of your personal opinion of them. Part of shadow work is acknowledging that you may have not always treated people with kindness and understanding, and using that knowledge to be a better person going forward.

Not going to lie, shadow work can be intensive and it's not easy to do because it tends to trigger us in the worst way possible. I recommend not listening to songs like "Broken Angel" after trying to answer some of the questions listed today. It's not going to be pretty for anyone involved. In the end, though, it's be worth it because the point is to be your best self. Part of that is understanding where the shadow came from. I'll end with a quote from Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu:  "Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is enlightenment. Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self requires strength."

"Broken Angel" Video

"Leave My Body" by Florence + the Machine

"Leave My Body" is my favorite song from Florence + the Machine's second album, "Ceremonials" (which is one of my most favorite albums, ever). It's about the desire to shed the limitations that keep us shackled to the things we do not want. The life we do not want. To fully embody our soul, without the things that weigh it down. Fear. Insecurity. Anxiety. All things we have a choice in, by the way. At some point, we made a choice to allow ourselves to accept those things into our life and, hard as it is, we can make a choice to not allow them anymore. When you take a step back, you start to realize that the bad, scary thoughts about yourself weren't even yours to begin with. Just projections from other people that you internalized. Thus begins our exploration of archetypes.

Just a little level-setting - in psychology, an archetype is a set pattern of behavior. Plato considered these pre-existing ideals/templates and Carl Jung called them the "fundamental units of the human mind." There are literally thousands of archetypes, each one subtly different from another, but most people find it helpful to distill the myriad of versions out there in to a set of core archetypes. Every character you meet in a story (film or literature) is an archetype and it's important to remember that you might identify with aspects of many (or all) archetypes. This is normal - for the purpose of shadow work, it helps to select a few of the ones you most identify with so as not to become overwhelmed and then move onto others as you get more familiar with the process. Essentially, you're using each archetype up as a mirror to analyze your motivations and inhibitions. Sounds simple but it requires being truly honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your past actions, which most people have difficulty with.

I'm gonna be released from behind these lines

And don't care whether I live or die

And I'm losing blood, I'm gonna leave my bones

And I don't want your heart it leaves me cold

I don't want your future

I don't need your past

One grand moment

Is all I ask

For today, let's talk about the Victim archetype, which usually looms large in most people's psyches. The Victim's mindset usually goes like this - Only bad stuff happens to me. People always use me. No one could love the real me. Nothing ever goes right. I'm a failure because I'm not this way or that. Things won't ever change because this is just how things are. I can't change because this is just how I am. We think it's a mentality that only affects ourselves but, in reality, we end up warping our whole lives around it. We allow it to swallow up those we supposedly love. It becomes a free pass to get away with our worst behaviors, because no one understands how much pain and suffering we've been through. We use it as an excuse to not be grateful and happy for what we have in the present, because it's not perfect or exactly how we wanted things to be. We use it to feel entitled to others attention and/or affection. To monopolize others' time and then become annoyed when they turn their focus to something else, regardless of the reason. It becomes a permission slip to not give back as much as we get or be an active participant in our loved one's lives because it would be inconvenient or uncomfortable for us. It becomes an excuse to not pursue goals or try new things.

The Victim is really more of a Master Archetype, because there's so many ways to be a victim. For example, The Hider is a victim of their own insecurities and lack of confidence, and thus feels entitled to withdraw from life, to keep secrets, to judge others, and then feel angry when you can't anticipate their needs. The Long-sufferer, who thinks that because they had such hard circumstances, they're entitled to another's attention or support without offering any in return. Or - and this is possibly the worst - The Crusader, a victim of their own loneliness, negativity, and self-hatred, who has made it their mission to make others victims as well and victimizing those they think should be punished. The core issue with this Master Archetype is personal responsibility and the blame is always externalized - even if they hold negative views of themselves, their insecurities are always someone else's fault and not their own. Why should they have to change?

It's important to remember that you can be a victim of circumstances without taking on the Victim mentality. Here's a few questions to ask yourself:

• When something goes wrong, are you always assigning blame (either to yourself and others), even if the circumstances were out of everyone's control? An example of this would be assigning blame because it rained on your picnic.
• Do you feel like no one understands you or do you get unreasonably angry/frustrated if someone is unable to understand you? Why? Is it because you feel like voicing your needs/desires would be a burden on someone else?
• Do you feel like you have to control everything? Conversely, do you tend to let others dominate, even if it's not in your best interest? Why?
• Do you beat yourself up for not meeting ideals that are not your own? For example, thinking you should behave or look a certain way that society or your family/friends prefer.
• Are you not going after your own dreams/goals/self-improvement because you don't think you're good enough or don't "deserve" it? Where did those beliefs come from?

After you ask yourself those questions and answered them (I mean really answered them, to include examining your past to understand where those thought/behavior patterns started), that's when you can start the long process of reprogramming those thoughts. And by long, I mean it's a never-ending journey. Spoiler alert: A lot of affirmations are involved. Letting go of control and trusting others is also a big part of fully integrating this part of the Shadow Self. It requires you to be present and actively examine your thoughts as you have them. Finally, you have to release who you used to be....because if that version of yourself was worth keeping around, you'd be happier now. I know that's hard to hear. But, to quote Captain America, "you just gotta move on." Don't stay stuck in the past. It's gone. And if you're gonna be here, be here.

I love this song - it reminds me that I'm more than my corporeal form and the only limits I have are the ones I set for myself.

"Leave My Body" Video

May Theme: "The Shadow"

As you may have guessed, April kicked my ass. There was just too many things going on - from last minute work trips to one of the worst colds I've had in a couple years. I'm hoping May will be smoother. Today is Beltane (or Bealtaine, which is the Gaelic spelling and my preferred version), an ancient fertility festival and one of the eight Sabbats in the pagan Wheel of the Year. Traditionally, it marked the beginning of the Summer and rituals were performed to celebrate/encourage the new growth of the coming season. It also happens to be my favorite Sabbat. What can I say? As much as I like spooky, goth stuff, I am - and always will be - a "dancing naked around a bonfire" type of pagan. The tent's big enough for all types. (For the record, I have not done this....but I also know myself well enough to know that, if the opportunity arose, I would not say "no." Keep in mind - before all the commercialization, I used to think going to Burning Man might be a fun vacation. I know, I know - I'm a dirty hippie. Sorry, not sorry.)

Now, I fully realize that Beltane falls during a time frame where people are focused on the coming good times and looking forward to feeling the sun our faces. But, most importantly, it's a time of growth and there is no growth without facing the hard times (and by "facing," I mean intense, analytical study). After a day (fuck it - a whole month) where I've been really feeling my limitations,  I thought I'd take one last look at the darkness before we get to the freer, sunnier months of June and July. For this month, I decided to focus on The Shadow, the Jungian concept of the dispossessed, uncomfortable parts of us that societal norms have labeled "bad" but are essential and inextricable from the human experience. I'm also a big fan of songs whose lyrics contain darker imagery, even if the overall tone of the song is intended to be upbeat. I'm pairing the songs up with short discussions of Jungian archetypes and some recommendations for addressing them through shadow work. It goes without saying but the topics discussed this month are probably not going to be light and I'll be drawing on my own knowledge of Psychology (as well as helpful resources for those who want to learn more) to inform my writing. That being said, there should be some humor in it to - the best comedy comes from recognizing the shadow and understanding that there's nothing in it to be afraid of. To quote a great wizard, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."