When "Family Portrait" first came out, it used to trigger me a lot. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I will get to a place where I feel really good about things, really accepting of how things were, and then something will come up that results in a quiet breakdown. It doesn't happen as often anymore and I've reached a sufficient level of mental calm that these moments are surprisingly brief. But they still happen and you just have to accept that, too. "Family Portrait" was a reminder to me that I'm not the only person who had a childhood like this. I like the imagery that P!nk uses in the video. She's basically comforting her inner child, which seems kind of silly but is so necessary. When you're in the drama, you can feel so lonely and isolated, so it's almost comforting to know that - while what you're experiencing may be terrible - you are not unique. Other people had parents who fought constantly, had a father who was absent for large portions of their life (regardless of the reason, e.g., deployments, this is difficult on a child), and/or had a domineering mother. Unlike the song, though, I didn't think divorce was such a terrible option at the time. I still don't - not all marriages are good and there should be a way to end them before more damage is done.
Momma please stop crying, I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said
You fight about money, 'bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growing up in World War three
Never knowing what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family
The Mother is a master feminine archetype and we mostly associate her with warm, loving, nurturing energy and qualities. People who tend to embody this archetype tend to be especially responsible and caring. They're very protective naturally and tend to be the people watching out for everyone else, emotionally and physically. However, in the shadow, this role of the caretaker becomes her entire identity and any potential loss of her metaphorical "children" becomes a fight for survival. She becomes possessive, manipulative, and controlling. In the Mother's shadow, her children (or surrogates) become an extension of her own identity. Any spark of individuality can be interpreted as attempted abandonment. She may be overbearing, forcing her thoughts and opinions on others until they comply just to make her happy. On the flip side, the Shadow Mother struggles with maintaining her own boundaries, often giving so much that she becomes resentful.
I'll take some examples out of my own personal life, since we've already gone down that rabbit hole. The shadow Mother does a lot of projection, since her children are essentially an extension of herself. My mom often criticized my choice of clothes, my weight, my friends, what I ate, and so on. She definitely didn't like it when I acted defiant or questioned her authority. If I didn't follow her rules, I was embarrassing for her to be seen with. The thing I remember most, though, is that she was overly concerned with being seen as beautiful (and she didn't need to be). I still struggle with that one at times - that something isn't working out in my life because I'm not "beautiful" enough, as if that would make a difference. If only I was beautiful, all my dreams will come true! It's insane. You don't have to tell me - I remind my brain of that every day. Projection is something we all do at some point, especially when it comes to our children. The goal is to be aware of it and stop yourself before it gets out of hand. When I look at my son, I see traits that are mine, traits that are my husband's, and something else that is uniquely him. And I don't want to snuff out that beautiful, special part of my son by criticizing the parts of me he's mirroring. Because I know how delicate that flame is. One day, you have a perfectly happy, free kid. The next, he's concerned that people will laugh at him when he's just being himself (which includes dancing like a madman to Imagine Dragons and Taylor Swift). If I can spare him the pain of social anxiety and Imposter Syndrome, I'd like to do that.
Long story short - the shadow-side of the Mother archetype is a nasty piece of work that can have generational consequences if not reigned in. A few questions you need to ask yourself while exploring The Mother's shadow:
- What is your vision of the ideal parent (mother and/or father)? Did your own parents reflect those ideals?
- What things did your parents do that left you feeling unloved or unworthy? Are these things you are overcritical of yourself for now?
- Does it anger you when your loved ones don't follow your suggestions, even small ones?
- Do you find yourself resorting to manipulation to get your loved ones to do what you want?
- Do you feel obligated to be constantly giving? Alternatively, do you find it hard to say "no" to people, especially loved ones? If so, do you feel resentful?
I'm sure there more but those questions are more than enough to get you started. Next, how do you heal a shadow Mother? It's all about those damn boundaries again - both others and your own. Be selective about your giving - you don't need to say "yes" all the time. Respect others individuality and autonomy - they can manage themselves. In fact, people need to manage themselves in order to learn and grow. Face your fear of abandonment. People leaving you isn't the worst thing in the world. Accept the end of past relationships, let go of resentment, and forgive. You're only hurting yourself by holding onto that pain. And, finally, if/when you have children of your own, understand what you wanted in a parent (but may have never had) and try to be that for them.
“Our past may explain why we're suffering but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.” - Joyce Meyer
"Family Portrait" Video
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