A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally), today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else I know. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause.  No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about the situations and people that actually did break my heart becomes too much. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

And yet...And yet...

I don't pray for him every day. He's not the one I talk to in my head. He isn't the one I'm writing for now. He's certainly not who I'm thinking about on my daily commute to work, through the dark, creepy pecan orchard that is my native habitat. I'm not even going to wish him "happy birthday" today because, well, I'd have to log into Facebook and that's just a step farther than I'm willing to go. And I don't care if he ever reads this because, as T-Swift so eloquently put it, "you don't write a song about someone unless you don't plan on talking to them ever again." (I'm paraphrasing....she said it much better.) I also don't think he would recognize himself in my writing. I don't think he thinks about it near as often as I do. At least, I hope not. That'd be embarrassing. For him. In truth, I'm genuinely okay with how my infatuation with the Movie Star ended. I wish him well but, if I never saw or spoke to him again in this lifetime, I'd be legitimately fine with that. I can't say that about everyone I used to know.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video

Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

 For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites: 

NOTE:  I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

1. "The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
2. "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
3. "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
4. "Kindred" by Octavia Butler
5. Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

• "Desire" by Meg Myers
• "Lower" by TENDER
• "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
• "Fire for You" by Cannons
• "Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
• "Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
• "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
• "Big Energy" by Latto
• "She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility. 

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video