"How Bizarre" by OMC (Happy New Year's Eve!)

2020, my friend, it's been a ride.

I had this thought at the beginning of December and felt it was the right way to start this post. And, logically, my next thought was I needed the perfect song to commemorate the end of this historically fucked up year. Since I had a month to think about it, I didn't worry too much about it. But later that morning, I was commenting to my coworker about how backwards our processes are now. I had to call attention to the irony that, prior to this year, you needed a doctor's note to be out sick and now, we need a doctor's note to come back to work. All of a sudden, this song popped into my head. And, as all divinely inspired things are, it was perfect.

Destination unknown, as we pull in for some gas

Freshly pasted poster reveals a smile from the past

Here's the thing - my ability to see the humor in the absurdity of this shared delusion we call reality is probably the main reason I'm alive today. I thank the Universe every day that I have Saturn in Sagittarius because if I had been born a half year earlier (Saturn in Scorpio) or a few years later (Saturn in Capricorn), I don't know what I'd do with myself. Our Saturn in Scorpio friends are crying and listening to the Smiths on repeat while the Saturn in Capricorn guys are counting their pennies and being angry things aren't working out. Meanwhile, us Saturn in Sagittarius folks are sandwiched in the middle, saying "Man, this sucks - but God is a DJ, Life is the dance floor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music." And if you don't get that, you clearly don't have any Sag placements. And yes, those are song lyrics. True story: While writing this, I was like "before I publish that, I should check if Pink even has any Sag placements." And - wouldn't you know it? - she's a Sagittarius Rising. It's the little things that make me think I may actually know what I'm fucking talking about sometimes.

Wonder Girl, in her analysis of this week's Full Moon in Cancer, said something that struck me as applicable to this entire year with the thugs in Capricorn. All signs have good and bad, and it's how you choose to use the energy that matters. When Capricorn is at its worst, it can be entirely focused (even obsessed) with appearances. All the blood, meat, and bones underneath could be rotting but as long as it looks good on the outside, Capricorn doesn't give a shit. It's like getting a facelift when your body is riddled with cancer. Or, for an example from the US headlines, the stock market is at an all time high but our economic fundamentals are worse than the Great Depression. Or that as much as 50% of COVID cases are asymptomatic so you have tons of people walking about with a highly contagious disease but they don't "look sick." I could pull even more examples from recent US history where we did things that seemed good at face-value but had devastating consequences (I'm looking at you '94 Crime Bill). And just so y'all don't think I'm dragging Capricorn, I'll rag on my own sign as its foil - Cancer has a tendency to make things too deep and see things that aren't there, to the point where it's delusional (Guilty!) and results in taking actions that look insane from the outside (like, say, telling your followers to not trust the election results if you don't win....yes, Trump has a few Cancer placements). Just underscoring that we need to find balance because extremes are destructive - both the inside and the outside need to be healthy for an organism/society to function. It ain't that deep...but it ain't that shallow either.

We're making moves and starting grooves before they knew we were gone

Jumped into the Chevy and headed for big lights

Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights...

Regardless of how you feel about 2020, it has been an interesting year to be alive in. This year has been one for the history books in more ways than we know. And, assuming we all live through tonight, when you're old, you know you're going to be telling "I lived through 2020" stories. It almost makes all the bullshit worth it. What did I tell you about Jupiter in Capricorn last year? "The luck is more in seeing the lesson for what it is, not that you'll get anything tangible out of the experiences you have." This year may have sucked but - if you were doin' it right - you grew as a fucking person. And that's the only surefire way to know if a year was good or not - Did I grow as a person? I don't know about you, but by that measuring stick, 2020 was fucking great year for me. And I'm prepared to finish out the rest of my 8 year (the Year of Inner Strength) with grace, enthusiasm, and just a touch of gallows humor. With that, let's sum up some of the chaos of 2020.

Music: Holy shit, did 2020 turn out some great music! It seems like everyone from Anti-Flag to Zebra Katz (yes, I went through the whole list to find an artist that started with Z) released an album. Even some dead folks released albums (RIP Mac Miller). Over a thousand (approximately 1036) albums were released over the course of 2020 - and those are just albums with notable coverage! By comparison, 2019 had 743 notable album releases and 2018 only had 443. I can't go through every album that was released but it's an impressive list. Classic 80s and 90s bands, like Green Day and the Pet Shop Boys had new work. Pop heavyweights like Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor dropped some good shit. There was literally every kind of musical assistance available to get everyone through this year. As I mentioned, Taylor Swift released two albums that comprise easily her best work. She plays a lute on the album version of "Willow" - The Bitch plays a Fucking Lute!!! She's also very openly embracing the witch label - all of her "Willow" remixes have names like "dancing witch version" or "lonely witch version," as well as her increasing use in recent years of witchy themes/aesthetics for her lyrics and videos. And I'm so here for it - you do you, Taylor. (Please note I use the term "bitch" with the fondest endearment, because I personally take that word as a compliment.) And Dave Grohl had a legit drumming battle/rivalry with an amazing little English girl. This may be the musical revolution we were all hoping for but hadn't come to fruition until now. 

The Election: Trump will probably be considered one of the worst presidents in history - a title he worked hard for and has earned. But, in my mind, he does have one success that no other president in recent history can claim. He made the American people actually give a shit. This year was the highest voter turnout (by percentage of the eligible voting population) in over 120 years! People voted, even with the risk of potentially dying looming over them. It's almost a miracle. No - it is a miracle. Not that people voted him out (personally, I was expecting 4 more years, even with the pandemic) but getting people to stop being so apathetic about the outcomes of their choices and how they affect others. How people started grasping that personal choices in the present affect the future in real ways. It's all very Aquarian, if I may point it out. While I was somewhat relieved Biden won, I'm concerned we'll become complacent again and nothing truly will be repaired. But the only thing I can control is myself and I intend to be just as critical with Biden's choices as I was with Trump. 

COVID-19: The pandemic has changed how we function in society on so many levels and will probably continue to change our lives for years to come. It has altered how we stay connected when being physically together is not an option. It has uncovered the cracks in our approach to healthcare. It has given us an entirely new perspective on how to balance the work-life equation. For many people, it has forced them to take an honest look at their closest relationships. For others, it has taught them who they are when they have no other choice than to be alone. Not all of these have been happy or easy lessons, but they are necessary for progress. And of course, many of us have lost loved ones or know people who have lost loved ones to the virus. Those deaths are painful to deal with and, in my opinion, most were not necessary at all. We're going to look back at the handling of the pandemic for years, shaking our heads and saying "mistakes were made." But the important thing is that we commit to not making those mistakes again.

Personal Growth: Rather than doom scrolling this year, a lot of people decided to use their time stuck at home to work on themselves. People took classes, tried out new hobbies they've never had time for, read books that were gathering dust on the shelves, and spent a lot of time on projects that weren't necessarily income-generating. Some people realized how social they really were and learned how to reach out for connection. Others learned how to enjoy their alone time. I have this theory (it's one most psychologists and therapists share) that if you work on yourself, other things - relationships, careers, projects, society as a whole - start to get better. And if things aren't getting better in a certain area as you focus more on your own self-actualization, it's probably because a major change needs to occur in that area. Yes, I do apply this to my own major depressive episode. I thought I was doing all the work but I got to a point where I couldn't do it by myself. That was my thing - vacillating between codependence and extreme independence. I'm learning how to be interdependent, which has me doing really brave things, like fully trusting people to handle their responsibilities, being vulnerable about how I feel, and actively asking for connection instead of assuming it will come to me. Doesn't sound very scary? Fucking try it first and then get back to me.

Spirituality: Finally, the last thing I'll mention is that witchcraft and New Age practices like tarot, astrology, and numerology, have never been as widely accepted as they are now. Every day, I see more and more baby witches, sorcerers, heathens, pagans, etc. openly embrace the call for a different way of understanding the world. A way that weaves together the mystical and mundane, the scientific and the spiritual. It's something I always wanted to see when I was a naïve yet already spiritually jaded teenager. The amount of validation I feel is palpable. It took nearly 20 years for me to see it in my lifetime but it's so worth it. More books on the occult and esoteric come out every day and I wish I could buy every one of them. But I should probably read the ones I already have (which takes up two shelves in my book case). It's one of the things I'm grateful for as we move into the New Year.

A few posts ago, I mentioned I had a deep desire to "find the others," to quote Gordon White. If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you're the Others. Lucky you.

As I've mentioned, I've created a "Party Like It's the End of the World" mix - it's a work in progress but I'm sharing it anyway. Happy New Year!

"How Bizarre" Video

"That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette

Today, we have a Full Moon in Cancer. This is a special Full Moon because, not only is the Moon in her home sign, but this is also the first time in about two years when being the Full Moon in Cancer is not being eclipsed. Lunar eclipses are a debilitating transit for the moon, because her light is literally being blocked. As such, eclipses are often associated with times of emotional turmoil and the need to do inner work. Likewise, Cancer is the most closely linked with the idea of unconditional love. Cancer is the sign of mothers and a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. Unfortunately, there are many of us (too many) who did not have that experience. This is why I'm in favor of people getting counseling before having a baby. Before even getting married, because the desire, or lack thereof, to have children is (or should be) a deal-breaker. Same for a lot of other incompatibility issues, like different core values or life goals. That's where unconditional self-love comes in. Without it, we learn to ignore our intuition (another Cancer theme) in these situations. 

::WARNING:: I am about to get super ranty. The Full Moon is conjunct my natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer and there's a fullness to my understanding of the lessons 2020 has taught me. Not an excuse, merely an explanation of how events may interact with your chart through observing my own transits. Largely a personal rant - I'm in the process of planning out a more fitting home for this type of content but until then, this is my void to scream into. Consider this Part 1 of my on-going postmortem for 2020. ::END::

I knew something had gone terribly wrong when I stopped praying. Completely stopped for two weeks. Which, it may surprise you, I have never done. My idea of God may have changed, I may have stopped feeling the need to go to church, but I've never lost my hope and faith. Suddenly, it was gone. That's how I knew this was the "abyss" they keep talking about, the one that stares back. And I knew I'd never been here before. I stopped eating - I was only eating about 200-400 calories a day and that was because I knew I was "supposed to" eat. I didn't even drink that much water. The will just wasn't there. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had terrible nightmares. I was crying multiple times a day. But it was the loss of faith and feeling of disconnection that made me realize that it wasn't manageable. And moreover, that I was making it worse by holding on to behaviors and beliefs that were no longer serving me. When I needed help the most, I found myself almost incapable of asking for what I needed.

That I would be good, even if I did nothing

An influencer who I admire, Anna Akana, does videos that basically discuss the things she's learned on her personal journey. Often, she goes over the things she's taken out of therapy and I really appreciate when influencers do this because it normalizes going to therapy, even when you're not in crisis-mode. Anna did this video in which she confesses she realized she hates herself (or she did at the time of the video - seriously, watch it...it's so good). However, you wouldn't have thought that when looking at her, because she physically takes care of herself, is kind and supportive to her friends, and seems like she has everything together. But, if you could hear the thoughts in her head, she was subjecting herself cruel, hypercritical, abusive statements daily. Things like "that comment was so stupid, why do you even talk?" And, from my perspective on the opposite side of YouTube, I was like "oh god...it's me." I came to that same realization years ago and have been working on it, but as I settled into a major depressive episode, self-hate came back with a vengeance. I grew up in a household where, if one person wasn't happy, no one was happy. That translated into a belief that my happiness (and related feelings, needs, and desires) doesn't matter. Moreover, I needed to suppress my needs and wants in order to make others happy or I would be unsafe/abandoned/neglected. Yes, I have had the thought (on multiple occasions) that I'm just not one of those people who gets to be happy (i.e., I don't deserve to be happy). My friends, I cannot tell you how self-destructive that belief is. I'm going to say this loud because I know someone out there needs to hear it: Who you had to become to survive is not who you are. Read that again, then learn it, live it, love it.

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

When I first accepted I was in a dark place I needed to get out of, I picked up a Postpartum Depression Workbook. The exercises have been helpful and one of those was to create my own affirmations to say when I start having negative self-talk. Full disclosure: I'm not good at affirmations. I'm not good at remembering to say/write them in the morning and all the pre-written ones sound like fluffy bunny bullshit. But, I'm leaning in to getting better so I thought, "Fuck it, let's have some fun with this." And that is why one of my affirmations is "I have eyes that pierce men's souls and can summon the dark forces of the Underworld." It makes me smile and I fucking dare anyone to challenge me on it. I see recovery as a process of rebuilding my inner world the way I - and only I - believe it should be. The foundation of how I was living my life - the thoughts I was thinking, the beliefs I was clinging to, the behaviors I was justifying - I had to let it all crumble in order to start fresh, albeit with some of the salvageable materials remaining in the wreckage. This is why the Star (Faith and Hope) comes after the Tower but it doesn't always happen like that. Some people go back to the Devil (Self-destructive patterns and behaviors). Sometimes they have to do that a few times before they move forward. Maybe they'll keep repeating that cycle for the rest of their lives because they've become so inflexible, they can't see another way. 

That I would be great if I was no longer queen

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

Some may argue that their negative self-talk pushes them to be better. Sorry, that's highly unlikely. Hypercritical beliefs often keep you locked in fear - fear of failing, fear of fucking up, fear of change, and ultimately, fear of trying. It puts a limit on what you can accomplish. One of my main insecurities was that I am a terrible writer with nothing worth saying, and it kept me in my head and not writing. Lately, however, I've been writing nonstop. And, unfortunately for you, dear reader, I don't really care if it's shit anymore. Barely a fraction of it gets to this blog. I've created a file called "Keep Your Crazy Here" (which would be an amazing title for an edgy self-help book/memoir) where I keep all my half-baked thoughts that aren't refined enough for general consumption or are awaiting purpose for other projects. And even if no one else reads those words in my lifetime, I can be content in knowing I've given them a home, rather than let them die forgotten. Self-hate was blocking my inner flow. You can't hear your intuition or realize your magic through the haze of self-hatred. This is why meditation, grounding/centering, journaling (via a Book of Shadows), and shadow work are considered vital when beginning the journey into witchcraft (or any type of spiritual practice). It's why Julia Cameron leans so heavily on them in "The Artist's Way." These are tools of self-love. The Great Work is crafting your ideal life and best self, but the process of alchemy is learning to love all the people you were/are while getting to that point. 

That I would be loved even when I numb myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

One thing I've noticed when I started changing my self-talk from coming from a hypercritical place to one of self-love is that it became easier to stand up for myself. It became easier to recognize the people who sounded like the voice fueling my self-hate. At some point, you start calling people on their bullshit, their inconsistencies, their insecurities - and it's not from a mean place. It's not like you've bottled it up and built a sack of resentment to throw at them when it gets too heavy. Nope, you notice how you feel in the moment and you point out how their behavior makes you feel at the same time. You have the courage to say, "Do you realize how condescending and contemptuous you sound when you talk to me? Well, I do and it makes me feel small and stupid." Only it doesn't take courage anymore because you don't fear them abandoning you. Once you start speaking and acting in your own best interests, you learn to accept that one of two things will happen with the people in your life - 1) they will respect your growth, be happy that you're speaking from a place of honesty, and will try to grow with you; or 2) they will resent you and eventually leave because they can't get away with treating you badly anymore. In either case, you are better off. Even if you can't always be assertive like in my example, you can learn to mentally distance yourself from their negativity so it doesn't affect you as much.

That I would be good

Whether with or without you

Finally, let's talk about today's featured song, "That I Would Be Good." I heard it on - you guessed it - "Dawson's Creek." It's no secret I love Alanis Morissette and this song had a motherly vibe that I felt fit the energy of the Cancer Full Moon. This song was written as Morissette's popularity on the radio was beginning to decline, as the tide turned away from singer-songwriters in a more bubble gum pop direction. It addresses the insecurities and self-doubt she felt during this time. To me, the lyrics sounded like affirmations. Reassurances that she would be okay, no matter what happened. Even if people stopped listening to her music, if she lost all her money, if she gained weight, or if she was dumped by her significant other. It's about remembering you are worthy and enough, no matter what anyone else thinks. A simple song - it's essentially just a poem and the transition in her voice is what carries us over the bridge to the end of the song. It's a fairly brilliant use of vocals. Also, she plays her own flute at the end and chose to keep the electrical buzz that was created by accidentally playing the guitar too close to an amp. Isn't that something Bob Ross used to say? "We don't make mistakes - we just have happy accidents." 

"That I Would Be Good" Video

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley

First off, I am going to admit that, initially, I wasn't going to do a song for Christmas this year. Sorry to be a Scrooge but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I've told multiple people as much. I'm doing presents for my babies, because I love them and they deserve a reprieve from the general dreariness of this year, but everyone else can fuck off. I didn't even do gifts for my team, because half of them can't be in the office anyway (we're still doing partial telework). I haven't decorated - instead of putting up a tree, we piled all the presents on the coffee table - and, while dinner will be a little better than usual, the meal I'm planning isn't necessarily something I wouldn't make on a normal weekday. I'm not sure I even want to drive around and look at Christmas lights, which is one of my favorite things. To top it off, it's been unseasonably warm, even for Central Texas. I haven't lived anywhere that would normally have a "white christmas" since I was about 7-years-old, but even in the Southwest, it would be a little chilly out by now. So, no, it just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. And I'm not going to pretend it does, beyond what I want to do for my family.

And when those blue snowflakes start falling

That's when those blue memories start calling

You'll be doing all right

With your Christmas of white

But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

I was thinking about this song this week, though. I don't know why. Don't get me wrong - I love Elvis but I'm also in the camp that believes "All I Want For Christmas is You" is the greatest Christmas song ever made (it is - don't argue with me). However, I think I did "All I Want For Christmas is You" in a previous year and I don't like to repeat myself. It's a waste of perfectly good Internet. No, I was thinking about "Blue Christmas" because it was the first song I can remember performing in front of people. Like a lot of people - a whole elementary school cafeteria full of people! I was about 9-years-old and I had to perform it (along with the rest of my fourth grade class) for a holiday pageant. This morning, my mother texted the family group chat, declaring that she "remember[s] when Jessica sang Blue Christmas at her school concert." And it's times like this when I wonder if my thoughts are on broadcast for the whole world to hear.

I still know all the words to "Blue Christmas" and can mimic that classic Elvis twang in my sleep. But, at the heart of it, it's a sad Christmas song. It's about not feeling like it's Christmas at all because you can't be with your loved one(s), and it's a sentiment I think a lot of people understand this year. Those people who are trying to be responsible and maintain social distancing measures, at least. I will be doing the now traditional holiday Zoom call with my family. At this point, we've all become skilled at having fun, together but separately. But for someone who has "touch" as one of their primary love languages, it's a poor substitute. And while I'll probably be rehashing this rant with my therapist next week, all I can do now is accept that I'll have a blue - blue, blue, blue - Christmas. But I hope whoever reads this has/had a lovely, safe holiday. Merry Christmas.

"Blue Christmas" Video

"It's All Been Done" by The Barenaked Ladies

I wanted to write about a song that was light and fun, because the song I picked out for the Solstice/Saturn-Jupiter conjunction was super heavy. Not that the rant was heavy, but the song had a dark vibe that fit the message. Weirdly enough, both songs have to do references to the cyclic spiraling nature of time and civilization. Nothing is new or particularly original anymore. It seems like we're in a loop, recycling the styles, problems, and attitudes of some other era before now. It's all a mess but we keep adding spices to the soup, hoping it will taste better. I am just as guilty of this as anybody.

I met you

Before the fall of Rome

And I begged you

To let me take you home

You were wrong

I was right

You said, goodbye

I said, good night

It's all been done

It's all been done

It's all been done, done before

I've been listening to "The Astrology Podcast" crew's analysis and predictions for 2021. They usually choose a phrase that sums up the period they are discussing. The phrase for 2021 is "Deeply Ambivalent" and - oh boy! - am I feeling that energy. I had my own phrase for it picked out before I even started listening - "circling the drain." What I mean by that is we're embarking on a totally new journey starting in the 2020s. However, we have a bunch of storylines that need to be closed out. There's this air of inevitability - we can see the ending but we're going to give it one last good push to see if we can keep it going. It's very "fuck it, let's see what happens" energy, which can be a good thing. There's a point where you stop overthinking everything and just live. When you do that, either something truly miraculous and amazing happens (Team Optimism!) or it ends in the disaster it was always going to be. But you don't feel as bad about the disaster because you've done everything you could.

When they say "Deeply Ambivalent," it has an extensive, observable meaning in the astrology of 2021. It is better than the astrology for 2020 - 2020 really did have an all "doom & gloom" signature and we weren't going to escape it. But 2021 has both crazy, chaotic transits and peaceful, happy ones, too. Unfortunately, a lot of the peaceful, happy ones are at the beginning of the year, so it might feel like we go into 2021 with a feeling of "hey, this isn't so bad" and then it slowly devolves into madness. Again, it's those fucking Saturn/Jupiter squares with Uranus. Then we end out the year with Mars opposing Uranus and a pair of eclipses (which often represent secrets and revelations) on the Gemini-Sagittarius axis. These configurations are meant to shake loose old paradigms, make us question the rules, and lean into our own wildness. So here we go again. One more time. With feeling!

If I put my fingers here

And if I say, I love you dear

And if I play the same three chords

Will you just yawn and say

It's all been done

It's all been done

It's all been done before

"It's All Been Done" was featured on an episode of "Dawson's Creek" I watched recently. When I heard it, my first thought was, "Oh yeah....I really like this song..." It's probably my favorite Barenaked Ladies song but, to be honest, I only know the few tunes that hit mainstream radio in the U.S. Otherwise, I know nothing of their discography. This song, in particular, was also the title sequence song for the short-lived animated series, "Baby Blues," an adaptation of one of my favorite comic strips from the Sunday Funny Pages. 

There is some debate among fans about what the song is about. The most metaphorical folks say it describes the stages of an on-again-off-again relationship that has gotten stale. Boring! A little more interesting, but maybe a bit too literal, is that it's about two people who keep meeting up in every life time but never get together. Depressing! Then - and this is the theory that gets my creative juices flowing - there is a contingent of fans who believe it's about a pair of Immortals/Vampires, who keep meeting up throughout time. Sometimes, they meet up and stay together for a while and when they get bored, they go their separate ways until the next century. I like that idea and it has me percolating inspiration for a story about an Immortal Renaissance courtesan who is living in modern day Las Vegas as a showgirl. I don't have a plot yet. Is it a romance? Is it a tale of personal growth and triumph? Who knows?! But it's on the back burner while I finish up my current works in progress. I hate being an idea person, sometimes. It's too much! I really should pull a Nick Miller and start an idea book, so when I get these half-baked (yet divinely inspired) snippets, I have a home (half-way house) to put them in. Regardless, this song - in my professional opinion as expert yarn spinner and vibe feeler - adequately captures the energy I've been sensing. It has that fatalistic quality to it - the things we want will come back around eventually. Maybe in a different form, maybe new and improved, but the wheel is always turning. It's never the end, only a new beginning.

"It's All Been Done" Video

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Sometime today, we are going to experience the Grand Conjunction, a celestial event where Saturn and Jupiter are the closest in the sky that we here on Earth will ever see them. It is a rare alignment, the last one happening about 800 years ago. Let's be clear - a Jupiter-Saturn conjunction happens about every 20 years. What's rare is we have the opportunity to witness it. This year, it occurs at 0° Aquarius. After the pile-up in Capricorn, which culminated in 2020, it should be a breath of fresh air.....if we've learned what we needed to during our time in Capricorn. Let's dive into the astrology, as this particular Grand Conjunction has been much heralded.

Capricorn and Aquarius share the ancient ruler, Saturn. In astrology, Saturn represents rules, structure, limitations, and time. Saturn's meaning is deeply associated with Karma, Fate, and Destiny. One's Saturn return is said to be a time of reckoning - all your choices, good and bad, play out in your life during this three year period. Depending on the trajectory of your life, you may find your purpose and choose to head in an entirely different direction. Alternatively, some people choose to become more entrenched in their patterns. If your patterns are healthy and "good" (a loaded and subjective term), this can be a wonderful time. However, if you have found yourself in a toxic loop and yet choose to keep making those same choices, it's only a matter of time before it catches up with you. That is both the beauty and the bane of Saturn's power. Now, imagine that happening on a scale where it impacts all humanity.

There's a lot to unpack here, as there was a lot to unpack while Saturn was in Capricorn. Capricorn is invested in the Past, is strong in conventional ways, and holds fast to hierarchical ideas of status and power. Capricorn believes in rules and order. Aquarius, on the other hand, understands that some rules need to broken because they are wrong on a fundamental level. Aquarius is invested in the Future, believes in the cumulative power of all, and is at it's core a staunch egalitarian. Aquarius knows the strength of civilization is the ability to put individual uniqueness towards collective ideals and goals. In the same way Jupiter conjunct Saturn in Capricorn called attention to our personal relationship with authority and the status quo, the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will highlight how our personal choices affect the overall progress of society. Are the choices we make really for the good of all or just the good of ourselves? And, to quote a question a friend asked me in a dream - how can we do good if we don't even know what "good" is? It is this philosophical struggle that we're faced with as both Saturn and Jupiter move into Aquarius, the unofficial start of the Age of Aquarius.

Send a heartbeat to

The void that cries through you

Relive the pictures that have come to pass

For now we stand alone

The world is lost and blown

And we are flesh and blood disintegrate

With no more to hate

If you take away anything from my rants on astrology, it's that life and time move in cycles and spirals. The patterns of one sign are mirrored and reflected by the patterns of the next. It flows with almost musical precision and once you understand it, it's hard not to predict what comes next because it seems so obvious. The beginning of this major pile-up in Aquarius reaches humanity at a time when the Future is in very real danger. The looming climate crisis has not gotten better, nationalism is gaining a foothold in formerly democratic countries, society is divided almost straight down the middle as to how everyone should live, and the power structures of civilization are on shaky foundations. I think, intellectually, we all know this....but it's the other guy who has to change! Our way of thinking is just fine, it is they who are wrong! This "I'm right, you're wrong" nonsense is a Capricorn thought-process. Capricorn is the boss - He makes the rules and if you don't like it - Tough! Life isn't fair, there are winners and losers, yada yada yada. Not for Aquarius, though. Aquarius knows that, if we are to survive this mess we made, we have to work together and find a solution that satisfies everyone. We have to consider all ideas, even if it's just to ensure the flaws in logic really are flaws. We have to think outside the box (which was never old Capricorn's strong suit) and get creative. Heck, we might even have to get a little weird (which Aquarius likes best of all).

Delivered from the blast

The last of a line of lasts

The pale princess of a palace cracked

And now the kingdom comes

Crashing down undone

And I am a master of a nothing place

Of recoil and grace

Also of note, Uranus - the modern ruler of Aquarius - will be in loose squares to Jupiter and Saturn for the next few years. Uranus is the planet of Change and it's in Taurus, a sign that values stability. Those squares are going to tear shit up. And when Pluto joins the party in 2023 - ooh, child! - it's gonna get real. Real and messy. I'm talking major institutional change on a global scale. Uranus is going to shake up all the Bigs - Government, Academia, Science, Entertainment. You name it, put a Big in front of it, and it's probably going to be experiencing major shifts. On a personal level, this shift may change how we view relationships, careers, finances, home - everything and anything. It's dependent on where these planets and signs show up in your chart. And, just like with a Saturn Return, how deeply you're impacted can be predicted with how well you roll with the punches. If you allow yourself to be open and flexible, you'll be fine. Rigidity and stubbornness, however, will only drag you down farther.

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed

Does it make you happy you're so strange

And in your darkest hour

I hold secrets flame

We can watch the world devoured in it's pain

I chose this song because it has a darkly hopeful vibe. This is very much an Aquarius thing - they have a tendency to be the ultimate embodiment of "cheerleader goth." You kind of have to hear it to understand what I mean. Yes, the bass is quite heavy, as are the lyrics, but every so often, there's a lilt to the violin and piano parts that lifts up the whole tenor of the song. Sure, we're going to watch the world burn but - hey! - at least we're doing it together. And isn't that what the holiday season is all about?

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" Video

"exile" by Taylor Swift (feat. Bon Iver)

 After three years of celebrating, I think you know what today is. It's motherfucking T-Swift's birthday. And, like a boss, she dropped - not just one - but two new albums in the thick of this hot mess we call 2020. "folklore" was released on July 24 (7+2+4=13) and she put out "evermore" last week, on December 11 (which, weirdly enough, does not add up to 13). She's been keeping busy in her log cabin deep in the woods. At least, that's how I like to picture her - walking through the trees at dusk, sipping tea on her porch as the light filters through the leaves, writing songs by candlelight. In her own words, she just couldn't stop writing. I hear you, Taylor. Same, my dear, same. But I'll write more about that in my New Year's post. I haven't been able to sit down and fully listen through these albums yet. "Sister albums" as she called them, because the songs in them intertwine, continue, and reflect the stories in each other. I prefer to let myself discover them in my own time, because I know when I need it most, the right Taylor Swift song will float into my awareness and make things better. 

Let's get one thing perfectly straight - both of these albums are masterpieces. Swift is at her best when she's occupying the grey space between pop and country - squarely in indie folk music territory. The songs in these albums are vulnerable. She knows she's a complicated person, but she has been able to integrate her darkness with her light through her art in a way that so few learn how to do in this life. And, although she took inspiration from all over and she claims some of the stories she tells in her music are fictional, all the songs are strangely personal. People like to bash Swift - to make fun of her and revel in her failures to quell their own insecurities. They say she's not that remarkable. But she is. And as she softens with age and experience, she becomes even more unstoppable. 

I can see you standin', honey

With his arms around your body

Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all

And it took you five whole minutes

To pack us up and leave me with it

Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

"exile" is a collaboration with indie folk band, Bon Iver. And that's how you know T-Swift really is The Man - she's collaborated with some surprising musicians and people in the industry, no matter what genre of music they create, respect her talent. If you ain't shit, no one wants to work with you. That's just how it is. "exile" is perhaps the most critically acclaimed of all the songs on "folklore" and I can understand why. In just a few short weeks, it has become one of my Unskippables, an honor only one other Taylor Swift song can claim ("Everything Has Changed"). It's a duet - you know how I love duets - where we see both sides of a painful and unexpected breakup. Both sides are full of regret, still holding on to love, but seeing the situation as unfixable. Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) soulful voice puts a lot of emotion into that first verse, but my favorite part is the vocalization afterwards. He sounds like a wolf howling and the sound is so sad, it tears at my heart. There's a wildness to it and I have an incurable soft spot for wild things. 

I can see you starin', honey

Like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury

For Taylor's part, her lyrics are thoughtful and the words she chooses are heavy with meaning. For example, calling her new boyfriend the male singer's understudy. In theatre, we're taught the understudy is just as good, because they have to fill in the role when the main player can't be there. But in the back of your mind, you know that - if they were just as good - they would've been given the part outright. The understudy is a placeholder, and even though they may know the lines and how to play the part, there's just something missing. But it seems unfair to point it out. Even the title of song - "exile" - has a certain connotation. With a significant Cancer placement (Moon in Cancer), Swift associates Love with the feeling of home, of being safe, of being cared for - the deep intimacy of being privy to something intangible, that only you know. That is evident in the phrases she picks - "you were my town" and "you're not my homeland anymore." In this sense, exile is a very real feeling - of having been allowed deep into another's inner world, then being suddenly forced out. It is the unsettling discomfort of being unmoored, without an anchor, shoved into the wilderness without a compass. I'm mixing my metaphors, but you get it. 

So step right out

There is no amount

Of cryin' I can do for you

All this time

We always walked a very thin line

You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out)

You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

All this time

I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)

I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)

'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

So many signs

So many signs (you didn't even see the signs)

In the chorus, you can especially hear the hurt on both sides. There's a lack of closure. The relationship feels unfinished. Neither felt fully heard at the end but then, it doesn't sound like they even tried listening first. And reading minds - that'll just get you in trouble. If you want to know what someone's thinking, the only way to do that is to ask. And if you want someone to know what you're thinking, you've got to speak up. Something I'm trying to learn, after a lifetime of trying to read minds and anticipate everyone else's needs - and expecting them to do the same then feeling disappointed when they miss the mark. I'm particularly drawn to the seeming double meaning in Swift's use of signs. I don't think she's just referring to her attempts to get him to meet her needs. "folklore" and "evermore" are rife with symbolism, both in the songs and in the videos she's created for the singles so far. In her latest single, "willow," the video references the Golden Thread of Fate, a concept in Greek mythology that assumes every human is following their own Destiny, which is ultimately unavoidable. You can delay it, but the Universe will always keep trying to push you towards that end. In the video, it is shown connecting Taylor to her True Love (within the fantasy world she's created for these two albums). It's been a rough decade but clearly Swift still believes in fairy tales, love stories, and soul mates. No matter how many times her heart has been broken.

Swift's next year should be pretty interesting. Like myself, she has an eclipse falling very close to her birthday (solar eclipse in Sagittarius on 14 December), which is coinciding with the official end of her Saturn return (natal Saturn in Capricorn) and the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will be conjunct her natal Venus in Aquarius. Yes, she should have a good year ahead of her indeed. Sharing the official lyrics video for "exile" - Taylor Swift is one of the artists that is really diligent about putting out her own lyrics videos when her albums are released. It's a really intelligent practice for two reasons - 1. She gets the views (and the money) from people watching and listening to her songs on YouTube, not some rando who spends 5 minutes with free video editing software; and 2. it allows her to control the narrative and aesthetic of the album, something she is meticulous about. Enjoy!

"exile" Video

"I Always Knew" by The Vaccines

I finally finished "New Girl." I have a feeling it's going to be one of my comfort shows, like "Parks & Rec." A comfort show or movie is something we keep going back to because it makes us feel better during hard times. It gives us a sense of optimism and hope. Or maybe it indulges a desire for nostalgia. Or maybe we just learn something about ourselves every time we watch it, because the lessons we gain from them change as we age. For example, every time she has a breakup in the show, Jess Day watches "Dirty Dancing." Now, I don't recall ever having seen "Dirty Dancing" (it's on the list), but presumably, she watches it to remind herself that True Love exists and it fulfills her desire for romance during a lonely time. "New Girl" has many things to love about it. It stars Zooey Deschanel, another woman who I both love to look at and would love to look like (and if I could have her singing voice, too, that'd be great). The dialogue is both hilarious and relatable. The characters are complex and evolve along with the story. The show is actually fairly music-oriented (that's Deschanel's influence as an EP) and, as a result, has been able to attract notable cameos, such as T-Swift and Prince (who is an avid fan of the show). And, it's possibly one of the most realistic interpretations of the Friends to Lovers trope I've ever seen, which happens to be my favorite romance trope. I apologize in advance - this post is going to get a little ranty.

Nick and Jess. Jess and Nick. They are the quintessential millennial sitcom couple. They complement each other remarkably well without being the exact same person, which is what makes them so believable. They're like PB&J or grilled cheese, if we're using sandwich similes. From the first episode, it was so obvious, but that's what made it fun. It was obvious to everyone but them. Then they finally got together and it was amazing. And then they broke up and it sucked, but they stayed friends. Of course, I read somewhere that if you're still friends with your exes, you're either still in love or you never were. Or you're a sociopath (which I think fits the latter category). However, in Jess and Nick's case, it was the former and they ended up together in the end. This song was featured at the end of the Season 2 finale, when Nick and Jess decide to try to have a relationship and they ride off into the sunset (to Mexico....it's a long story). We'll talk more about the song later but, for now, I'm going to walk through just a few of my favorite Nick & Jess moments from "New Girl." Key show clips are linked.

• The First Kiss:  During a game of True American (a confusing drinking game invented by the show creators), Nick and Jess are dared to kiss. When they are getting ready to lock lips, Nick stops Jess with a simple "Not like this," which we all know means he's pictured their first kiss before and he knows he wants it to be special. Later that night, he grabs Jess and pulls her into one of the hottest kisses I've ever seen on network television. That's not to say it isn't problematic - he didn't ask her consent and, at the time, she's in a committed relationship with Dr. Sam. But, as far as first kisses go, it's pretty sexy. But I like it when a guy takes charge like that so I'm biased.
• Love at First Sight: During their first relationship, Jess convinces Nick he should try to be friends with his ex, Caroline. However, as soon as she finds out he's dating Jess, Caroline goes psycho-bitch because she assumes he was cheating with Jess when they were going out. Jess explains the timeline of their relationship to show that this isn't true and Caroline calms down. But later, Nick apologizes to Caroline because Jess was the reason he broke up with her because he fell in love with Jess the moment he met her. Majorly romantic moment.
• Saying I Love You: Nick tells Jess that he loves her as she drives away to attend a party at Prince's house. Instead of saying it back, Jess gives him finger guns. Throughout the episode, Jess spends a lot of time talking to Prince to figure out why she did that, because she loves Nick, too.
• Julius Pepperwood and Jessica Night:  As all writers do, the characters in Nick's novel are based on the people in his life, the most important of which is Jess. When his editor suggests killing off Jessica Night in the next Pepperwood novel for dramatic effect, Nick puts his foot down. In his defense of his fictional character, he declares that "Jessica Night is the whole reason Pepperwood gets out of bed everyday," a statement which also reflects how he feels about Jess. It's also important to note that, instead of dedicating his first book to Reagan (his girlfriend) - who encouraged him to join her in New Orleans, which inspired him so much - the dedication is to Jess.
• Jess Truly Sees Nick: During Schmidt's wedding, Nick is anxious about starting a relationship with Reagan (Megan Fox) because he doesn't think he's in her league. In his own words, he calls himself the guy girls date to learn they can do so much better. When he says this, Jess gets pissed off, because she's tired of him getting down on himself because the Nick she sees is amazing.
• Nick's Biggest Fan: Reagan arranges for Nick to do a reading of "The Pepperwood Chronicles" but he has a panic attack. Reagan, who is Nick's girlfriend at the time, asks Jess for advice on how to help Nick through it because she's not good at comforting people. Jess tells Reagan what she would say, which is this long, lovely diatribe of how he's talented and special. Reagan tries to replicate Jess's touching words but it's clear that she doesn't come close. 

There are like a zillion more I'd like to point out but I've already wasted enough of your time. Long story short - "New Girl" is a great show and it's a quick watch, despite spanning 7 seasons.

Now, let's talk about the song. I love the styling of post-punk surf rock. There's something vintage about the sound that gives it a timelessness regardless of when it was initially released. This song reminds me of my favorite track on the "Velvet Goldmine" soundtrack, mostly due to the British lilt in the singer's voice. In stereotypical surf rock fashion, "I Always Knew" opens with that plucky guitar reverb and then goes in with a strong drum line. I combed the song meaning forums for an adequate lyrics interpretation. Some people think it's about a guy who is head over heels for a girl he just met or it's about a guy who is realizing he's in love with a friend but is afraid to take the next step. I proffer that it's a "When Harry Met Sally" situation - two people have been friends for ages. Then something happens to escalate the situation into more and they can't go back. And the singer is dizzy and confused about how he's feeling but - in the back of his mind - he "always knew" there was something there. Although it's an extremely metaphorical visual interpretation, the video seems to confirm my theory.

I try my best to unwind

Nothing on my mind but you

Oblivious to all that I'll owe

I'm hanging on

To what I don't know

So let's go to bed

Before you say something real

Let's go to bed

Before you say how you feel

COVID Update:  My first week back at work was both exhilarating and exhausting. It was exciting because I love the work I do and it was wonderful being around people again. But returning to work also means finding myself embroiled in a lot of the drama that I enjoyed being away from during maternity leave. I do a lot of emotional labor for my coworkers. Probably too much. I walk into work and instantly, everyone wants to talk to me. Most days it feels good because it reminds me I'm needed. On those rare days, though, it feels like keeping to myself and just focusing on the task in front of me (instead being distracted by the questions and needs of everyone else) is a luxury I can't afford. To add to this overwhelming sense of obligation, I feel like I forgot a lot of simple work things during maternity leave. I find myself saying "And how do I do that again?" Or "Yeah, so who should I talk to about that?" It's good for me, though. I'm practicing asking for help, which I am terrible at. In many ways, it's like learning to walk, because being vulnerable with people (asking for help is "weak") is not usually easy for me.

It's also hard to be away from my babies. It wasn't as hard going back to work this time (hardly any tears) because they're being taken care of by their dad, but I can't help feeling guilty. I made a choice to come back to work a bit early and I don't regret that choice, but at the same time, it feels selfish (even if it's not). I'm finally really starting to feel bonded to the baby, which is a relief. That was the scariest part of PPD - I usually have so much love for everyone, especially my children, and I suddenly felt nothing. It's better now and keeps getting better. I occasionally catch myself using distancing language so I'm trying to be cognizant of that. Using his name instead of calling him "the baby," making sure to include the "I" in "I love you," referring to myself as "mama/mommy," and making sure I'm talking directly to him (rather than just talking about him). These seem like tiny, trivial things but they matter. They're essential for a child to grow up feeling seen, heard, and understood. It's something I didn't get much of from my mother. Part of overcoming childhood trauma is trying to do better for my kids - trying to rewrite the story. I deserved better but I didn't get it and that sucks. But I don't have to repeat the cycle with the next generation. In fact, it's my duty as a mom to not do that.

"I Always Knew" Video

"Better When I'm Dancin'" by Meghan Trainor

 Today, we have a penumbral lunar eclipse in Gemini, the first of a series of eclipses occurring on my Ascendant. It also marks the start of the final eclipse season for 2020 and we're almost out of the battle royale in Capricorn, as Jupiter and Saturn will be making their way into Aquarius really soon (mid-late December). Congratulations! You've survived 2020! Perhaps celebrating is premature but things are starting to get better, even if we can't see them. As we know, eclipses portend major changes in the House they fall in our natal chart. As a Gemini Rising, this series of eclipses (as eclipses fall near the lunar nodes, which change approximately every 1.5 years) will be making aspects in my first and seventh Houses - the House of Self and the House of Partnerships. At the begin of the COVID Crisis, I watched a really interesting astrology webinar that posited that, aside from being the House of Partnerships, the 7th House contains our Shadow. I felt there might be something to that, because we often are triggered (i.e., attracted or repulsed) by traits we are repressing. For example, I've always been attracted to charismatic people. My best friend in high school often said my "type" was the loudest guy in the room - and that has been so true. Up until recently, because as I've integrated my Shadow more and became more of my authentic self, I've found that I can be quite charismatic and charming, too. Often when I'm not even aware of it - well, duh, it's my Shadow. To reach Maslow's ideal state of "self-actualization," you have to fully integrate the Shadow into the Self.

Don't think about it

Just move your body

Listen to the music

Sing, oh, ey, oh

Just move those left feet

Go ahead, get crazy

Anyone can do it

Sing, oh, ey, oh

I've been feeling much better - not depressed by my standards anymore - but I plan to continue counseling because there's clearly a lot of stuff I still need to work on. Mostly around meeting and communicating my own needs, desires, and boundaries. I have a tendency to slip into codependent behaviors - giving to much of myself (in an attempt to feel worthy and avoid rejection/abandonment) without considering (or noticing) if others are reciprocating. My mindset in the past has been "if I do more, then the other person will do more." And that's simply not true. You have to ask for what you want and the other person will (1) make an honest effort to meet your request fully or (2) they won't and you have to ask someone else. And you have to be prepared to accept their response at face value, even if it's disappointing. No making up narratives about how "they really want to but they can't for some reason." Yes, being generous, caring, and helpful is in my nature, but I'm learning I need to be more discerning in who deserves my time and energy. With one month left (and it's sure to be just as eventful), I'm grateful for this year. It's unveiled the cracks in the foundation of how I deal with life and I'm finally in a place to start patching those up. So when the next baby (or other life changing circumstance) comes along, I can cope better with whatever craziness it triggers.

Show the world you've got that fire (fire)

Feel the rhythm getting louder

Show the room what you can do

Prove to them you got the moves

I don't know about you,

My favorite YouTube astrologer, Wondergirl (yeah...I don't know her real name...I think it might be Britney?) has been framing the Saturn - Pluto conjunction in Capricorn this year as huge transformational energy. Although it was only exact on January 12th, it's been in a loose conjunction since April 2019. Wondergirl says that, since that time, we've been trying to change our lives in ways we haven't been able to for the last 35 years. For some people, like myself, that's my whole life! And yeah, I've just realized in the last year that I've been mistaking codependency and repression for kindness, loyalty, and love - and it's really not fucking working for me. It never has. The same things that attract all those "pure of heart" people I've mentioned also attracts some really shitty people. And I never see it coming. I always get it wrong, because I want to believe the best in people. Weirdly enough, I have a tendency to keep the best people at a distance. There's a better song to analyze those issues, though. Long story short - I have been trying to fundamentally change my life since last April. Maybe I haven't been aware of it the whole time but I have been.

But I feel better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

Better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

And we can do this together

I bet you feel better when you're dancing, yeah, yeah

Stale approaches to how we used to solve our problems just aren't going to cut it anymore, so we have to take a leap of faith into the great unknown. It's uncomfortable but it's necessary. A lot of people are excited to "get back to normal" when the vaccine starts rolling out next year but - let's face it - the old normal was shitty. Why would you want to go back to that? Because it's familiar? Because it's easy? Because it's less scary? Because you've invested so much time into that way of life? No, none of those are good reasons. When you know better, you do better. If you keep doing things the same way - accepting the same situations, following the same patterns, attracting the same people - expecting different results, the fault is on you when you're unhappy. Regardless of whether you believe in astrology, I think that's a good way of looking at downturns in life. Every day is an opportunity to grow into the person you were meant to be. I've transformed into a million different people in my life thus far (total Gemini Rising thing) yet, somehow, I'm even more myself than ever. Weird.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" was featured in the "Peanuts Movie," and that's the only notable thing about this song. It's fun and it makes me feel happy. So much so that I've added it to my "Party Like It's the End of the World" playlist on Spotify. Yes, I spend more time thinking about what my playlists should be named than picking out the songs featured in them. Trying to keep this energy as my first day back at work is tomorrow. As is custom, this post is set to be published at the time of the eclipse.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" Video

"Bloody Valentine" by Machine Gun Kelly

Happy Thanksgiving! Thought I'd do a short post for the holiday, since it's been a couple days. Another somethin' somethin' that showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Kinda obsessed with this song lately. Really, just obsessed with MGK's work in general. His early works were mostly rap but his latest album, Tickets to My Downfall, takes a turn towards the pop punk genre and "Bloody Valentine" is in that vein. As a 90s kid, I grew up during the second wave of the pop punk resurgence. A fact that becomes more and more obvious as I progress through "Dawson's Creek." Holy shit! I forgot how magnificent and diverse 90s music was. Every episode I watch has at least one or two songs I have to Shazam or look up on google. At some point, I'm going to write an entire thesis paper on how the 90s, more than any other decade in history, has shaped the musical landscape of the new millennium (which I'll call the Age of Aquarius, just for the hell of it).

The simulation just went bad

But you're the best I ever had

Like hand prints in wet cement

She touched me it's permanent

"Bloody Valentine" is the first single on MGK's latest album and was released with the music video in May 2020. Fun fact: Speaking of 90s music, Blink 182 alumnus, Travis Barker, is credited as writer, drummer and producer for the song and also performs on the acoustic version, which is also great. The lyrics are pretty straightforward. Urban Dictionary defines a "bloody valentine" as confessing your true feelings to someone only to be rejected, usually on Valentine's Day. I didn't even know that was a term. The younger generations are so linguistically creative, it's amazing. However, I don't think that accurately describes the situation in the song. Based on the lyrics, it sounds like MGK engaged in a one-night stand with someone he actually liked. Big mistake. Huge. Rumor has it this song is about Megan Fox, who he met on the set of "Midnight in the Switchgrass," a movie they were filming together. The then-married Fox also starred in the video for "Bloody Valentine." Megan Fox separated from her husband May. Shortly after, she and MGK started dating. Almost immediately she started spouting some crazy bullshit about them being destined for each other. And, as of today, she filed for divorce from Brian Austin Green. Their relationship is moving at alarming speed.

I don't do fake love, but I'll take some from you tonight

I know I've got to go but I might just miss the flight

I can't stay forever, let's play pretend

And treat this night like it'll happen again

You'll be my bloody valentine tonight

Anyway, let's talk a little bit about Megan Fox, because I finally got to the seasons in "New Girl" where she was a regular guest star. I both love to look at her and would love to look like her. Which is exactly how they explained to Nick how to know if another guy is attractive - if you wouldn't mind looking like someone, they are attractive. I have mad respect for Fox, because the film industry has not been kind to her. It's easy to paint really beautiful women as cold, callous bitches, but in every interview where they've asked about her experiences, she's handled it with grace and dignity. Industry sexism nearly destroyed her career but she's making a comeback. She looks amazing after having three boys and seems like a really good mom. She's awesome and I hope she's not being sucked in by a narcissist, because that's what it seems like. A bunch of the psychologists I watch recently did videos on how narcissists often use the "you're my soul mate" card to manipulate people to let down their guard and then later, to justify treating them poorly. It's sad, because it preys upon our most pressing, primal desire - to be understood, to be special, to be loved. I'm not saying I don't believe in soul mates. I do. I just don't think the Universe would permanently connect a person to someone who hurts them.

In my head in my head

I'm laying naked with you, yeah

In my head, in my head

I'm ready to die holding your hand

Feeling pretty good lately. I made The Husband pot roast for Thanksgiving dinner and it turned out well. My doctor gave me the all clear to start running and I'm happy to say I can still jog at a moderate pace for 20 minutes, even after a 6-month break. "Bloody Valentine," being pop punk, makes an excellent running song. And I'm super excited to return to work soon, as is my boss. Insomnia has made it difficult to return to my normal schedule but hopefully that will get better once I start working again. The video features Megan Fox dancing half-naked around an empty house - Enjoy!

"Bloody Valentine" Video

"Snuff" by Slipknot

So, I caved and joined Reddit. Initially, it was to share any notable Randonauting experiences I had but I found myself quickly jumping into conversations in the witchcraft, tarot, and astrology subreddits. I've learned two things - 1. Maybe I actually know a little something about these topics and 2. Too many people want to use witchcraft/tarot/astrology for things that require either therapy, communication, or both. Yes, spirituality and New Age concepts can be powerful tools for cultivating self-awareness and enhancing one's quality of life but you still need to do the work - the "work" being analyzing your subconscious programming and patterns and using the knowledge to actively change your behavior for the better. I've also been hanging around the music and writing subreddits for inspiration. I've been working on a short story (eh...more of a novella) inspired by "Horror of Our Love," tentatively titled "The Beast of South Boston." Apparently, the genre I gravitate towards writing is Horror/Paranormal Romance, so I've been looking for music that inspires that kind of vibe. Naturally, I found my way into a lot of Heavy Metal, which is how I ended up revisiting the collected works of Slipknot. And for the record, I find that the singers of metal bands often have the most lovely singing voices. David Draiman, Trent Reznor, Jonathan Davis, Chester Bennington, Corey Taylor - all very talented vocalists and among some of my favorites.

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go

And run away before I know

My heart is just too dark to care

I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know

Let's talk about these lyrics a bit, because they are intense. That's another thing to love about metal - a lot of the lyrics are beautifully poetic and fraught with meaning, in a way you don't normally see in other genres. "Snuff" exposes the vulnerability of someone's darkest thoughts. The plot is straightforward. From what I gathered, it sounds like the singer fucked up a relationship with someone he really loved and now he's angry she walked away. The song starts with his inner thoughts, which are super negative. He doesn't deserve her, she needs to leave him before he destroys her, he has a dark heart, and he doesn't care (except he does care...a whole lot), blah, blah, blah. He ends up pushing her away - however that looks like in his patterning. Depending on what core wounds he's operating from, this could manifest as addictions, withdrawal, or abusive behaviors. And, contrary to what some societal beliefs about love say, people don't have to stick around for that bullshit. In fact, it's unhealthy if they do. That's not love, that's trauma bonding. People who don't love you can stay forever (often because the relationship fulfills some need) and people who love you a lot may leave (because they love themselves enough to know enabling your destructive patterns is not good for you or for them). It may be counterintuitive but sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is leave. Alternatively, the most destructive thing they can do is stay. Unfortunately, leaving can make someone see you as the "bad guy," which is what happens at the end of "Snuff." Instead of taking the loss of a loved one as a sign to examine his own destructive patterns, he becomes angry that she left to "save [herself]," just like everyone else in his life. Clearly, he's not doing the work.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your lights

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care

I think I made it very clear

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

It took the death of hope to let you go

Based on what I could find regarding the meaning of the lyrics, Slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor wrote it about a relationship that ended because of his self-destructive habits (drug/alcohol addiction fueled by depression and suicidal ideation). At the time, he was disappointed because she didn't stay with him, but it ultimately motivated him to do better for himself. Taylor still struggled with addiction throughout his life but as of late, he's succeeded in staying sober. I came across a piece of Internet wisdom I really resonated with recently (the person might have said it came from their therapist but I can't remember). Fear of rejection is fueled by the underlying belief you don't deserve what you want and fear of abandonment is the belief that you don't deserve to keep it. These two underlying beliefs often lead to self-sabotage. If you don't believe yourself worthy and deserving of good things, your subconscious will motivate you to ruin positive situations in your life. Alternatively, you may hold on to toxic/destructive situations because they are confirming your subconscious beliefs that you deserve bad things in your life. Your behaviors fuel self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, most people are so ingrained with these beliefs due to societal conditioning and generational trauma that they can't get off the hamster wheel without help. That's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to want to be better, but you have to take tangible steps to change.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, you're all the same

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don't ever let me know

If you still care don't ever let me know

I had my first counseling session yesterday. I almost cancelled it because I was feeling better (more self-sabotage). Not much better but good enough to cope on my own. I think I was mainly nervous about sharing personal things with a stranger and I was developing unconscious stories (I don't have time, it's not worth the money, I'm coping fine on my own) to justify cancelling. However, talking to someone neutral about thoughts and feelings I've been holding onto for what feels like decades felt amazing. I like the therapist they paired me up with - she's nice and we're in the same stage of life, so she understands some of the pressures I'm under. After a lot of shadow work, I'm hyper-aware of my own self-destructive patterns and subconscious programming. However, the changes I need to make seem scary and overwhelming. I know in theory that I deserve a happy, fulfilling life - believing that I deserve it and advocating for my own happiness (because I'm unskilled at prioritizing myself) is another story. I really noticed yesterday how difficult it is for me to voice my anger, resentment, disappointment, and hurt. My counselor had to affirm several times that it's okay for me to admit someone's actions hurt me, because that's my reality. In many ways, I still find myself apologizing for just being human. For giving everything I have to others and still feeling like it isn't enough. It's weird and scary, to take my own advice for once. I'm wired to take care of other people - I like it, it makes me happy - but I don't expect others to take care of me. And my life reflects it. My own self-fulfilling prophesy.

"Snuff" gets it's name from the genre of film where real murders are filmed. Naturally, the music video was shot like a psychological thriller - with a twist ending. The band's percussionist, Shawn Crahan, co-directed the video and included a cameo by British film actor Malcolm McDowell. For dramatic purposes, the music cuts out during the third verse, which is a music video editing tactic that really annoys me, especially when the song is this good. Highly recommend looking for the uncut version of the song to enjoy it uninterrupted.

"Snuff" Video

"Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick

"Wreck of the Day" is the title track for Anna Nalick's debut album. An album which, like Matchbox 20's "More Than You Think You Are" and My Chemical Romance's early works, was perpetually on repeat on my Walkman. Yes, I still had a Walkman in 2005 - technology has morphed radically in the past 15 years. I'd feel old if I didn't also still feel so young. Anna Nalick's music, at this point in time, had a unique talent of capturing difficult feelings and experiences (both positive and negative) while also reviving the spirit of 90s female singer-songwriters. Female solo artists in recent years have veered decidedly towards Pop and R&B. I'm not sure if the likes of Anna Nalick and Michelle Branch would've been as successful if they debuted now. Given the success of T-Swift's latest album, "Folklore," there's a good chance this style could be making a comeback. But it's all just going in cycles now, anyway - isn't it? The Matrix is stuck in a loop.

Hopeless Romantics view the world through a revisionist lens. Maybe it's because I've seen so many movies and read so many books, I feel intuitively how the "story" should go. I think all writers have that sense. Wandering through life, in a world with multitudes of plot holes, extraneous exposition, shitty dialogue, and poorly drawn characters. It's maddening for writers, which might be why so many of them were dependent on alcohol at some point in their life. For reasons I can't fully explain - even to myself - I'm watching "Dawson's Creek." I got it in my head that I wanted to watch the show, because I never watched it when it was on TV, and as luck would have it, Netflix added it to streaming the same day I decided to search for it. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Anyway, Dawson is an aspiring filmmaker and the most hopeless of the most hopeless romantics. On one hand, I identify with his sensibilities completely; on the other hand, I can't help but think him a little foolish, delusional, and completely out of touch with what love is really about. Especially when the fantasy is gone and cold, cruel reality sinks in, looking back on the ruins of your romantic notions leaves you shattered. Press play on "Wreck of the Day." 

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And the light's always red in the rear-view.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope

I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

"Wreck of the Day" goes over the thoughts Anna Nalick was struggling with after a failed relationship. A common theme in her work and another universally understood experience. Looking over what happened, from start to finish, and remembering how naïve and foolish you were, because you should've known better. Feeling stupid for letting your defenses down. And feeling pathetic for wishing desperately things could be different, because for some reason, after all the hurt, you still want to be with this person. That is my favorite lyric: I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. I find it poetic. I mean, all lyrics are technically poetry but this particular lyric appeals to my writerly sense of drama. In addition to all those things you're telling yourself, there's also so many things you want to say to the other person. But it's over now. And you're exhausted from even trying. The entire tenor of the song is one of resignation and acceptance. Surrender. Things happened the way they happened, you can't change it, and all you can do is move on gracefully.

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus.

'Cause love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not fallin' in love

I'm just fallin' to pieces

I'm feeling better, a little closer to normal, although my expectations of "better" are somewhat lowered. My definition of a good day is only crying once and being able to keep it to myself instead of bursting into tears in front of my children (or crying on the baby, a common occurrence when I was trying to make nursing work). Luckily, the thing that really triggers the tears is working through the CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises in a PPD workbook I bought, so I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. There's a hollow feeling where my heart should be. Like somebody put a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I imagine that would leave a pretty big hole but I'm not exactly sure how shotguns work - I'm not the type of girl who knows jack shit about guns, really, but I like the aesthetic. Regardless, I'm learning to ignore it. I've regained my ability to consider things with my usual dark humor. And for once, I'm able to say all my clever thoughts in a perfect deadpan voice. When I'm happy, I have a tendency to laugh at my own jokes, which is super uncool.

And maybe I'm not off of being a victim of love

All my resistance will never be distance enough

I've been trying to do things that make me feel more like myself when I have some precious free time. Like watching a lot of "New Girl" and indie films starring Daniel Radcliffe (no idea why - I guess I like his face), saving way too many Pride & Prejudice memes on Pinterest, searching for new music, and reading constantly. Now that my incision is mostly healed, I've been trying to go on walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my oldest so he can get some baby-free Mommy Time. I downloaded the Randonautica app, so I can explore more of my neighborhood while actively trying to alter the fabric of Space-Time. The app calculates quantum blind spots (in addition to other things). A quantum blind spot is a location you wouldn't ever end up in due to causally linked forces - i.e., places you would never logically go for any reason in your life. The theory goes that, by being someplace you were never supposed to be, you can alter the timeline. I figure it couldn't hurt to try. To add to things, the app encourages thinking of an intention when you go on your adventure. Encouraging people to start a conversation with the Universe. Don't worry - it's only fucking around if I don't take notes. And I love taking notes.

Happy Full Moon in Scorpio! Jupiter and Pluto just met in an exact conjunction for the last time and Jupiter will, finally, be leaving the hellscape of Capricorn soon enough. 

"Wreck of the Day" Video