"Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick

"Wreck of the Day" is the title track for Anna Nalick's debut album. An album which, like Matchbox 20's "More Than You Think You Are" and My Chemical Romance's early works, was perpetually on repeat on my Walkman. Yes, I still had a Walkman in 2005 - technology has morphed radically in the past 15 years. I'd feel old if I didn't also still feel so young. Anna Nalick's music, at this point in time, had a unique talent of capturing difficult feelings and experiences (both positive and negative) while also reviving the spirit of 90s female singer-songwriters. Female solo artists in recent years have veered decidedly towards Pop and R&B. I'm not sure if the likes of Anna Nalick and Michelle Branch would've been as successful if they debuted now. Given the success of T-Swift's latest album, "Folklore," there's a good chance this style could be making a comeback. But it's all just going in cycles now, anyway - isn't it? The Matrix is stuck in a loop.

Hopeless Romantics view the world through a revisionist lens. Maybe it's because I've seen so many movies and read so many books, I feel intuitively how the "story" should go. I think all writers have that sense. Wandering through life, in a world with multitudes of plot holes, extraneous exposition, shitty dialogue, and poorly drawn characters. It's maddening for writers, which might be why so many of them were dependent on alcohol at some point in their life. For reasons I can't fully explain - even to myself - I'm watching "Dawson's Creek." I got it in my head that I wanted to watch the show, because I never watched it when it was on TV, and as luck would have it, Netflix added it to streaming the same day I decided to search for it. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Anyway, Dawson is an aspiring filmmaker and the most hopeless of the most hopeless romantics. On one hand, I identify with his sensibilities completely; on the other hand, I can't help but think him a little foolish, delusional, and completely out of touch with what love is really about. Especially when the fantasy is gone and cold, cruel reality sinks in, looking back on the ruins of your romantic notions leaves you shattered. Press play on "Wreck of the Day." 

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And the light's always red in the rear-view.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope

I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

"Wreck of the Day" goes over the thoughts Anna Nalick was struggling with after a failed relationship. A common theme in her work and another universally understood experience. Looking over what happened, from start to finish, and remembering how naïve and foolish you were, because you should've known better. Feeling stupid for letting your defenses down. And feeling pathetic for wishing desperately things could be different, because for some reason, after all the hurt, you still want to be with this person. That is my favorite lyric: I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. I find it poetic. I mean, all lyrics are technically poetry but this particular lyric appeals to my writerly sense of drama. In addition to all those things you're telling yourself, there's also so many things you want to say to the other person. But it's over now. And you're exhausted from even trying. The entire tenor of the song is one of resignation and acceptance. Surrender. Things happened the way they happened, you can't change it, and all you can do is move on gracefully.

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus.

'Cause love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not fallin' in love

I'm just fallin' to pieces

I'm feeling better, a little closer to normal, although my expectations of "better" are somewhat lowered. My definition of a good day is only crying once and being able to keep it to myself instead of bursting into tears in front of my children (or crying on the baby, a common occurrence when I was trying to make nursing work). Luckily, the thing that really triggers the tears is working through the CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises in a PPD workbook I bought, so I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. There's a hollow feeling where my heart should be. Like somebody put a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I imagine that would leave a pretty big hole but I'm not exactly sure how shotguns work - I'm not the type of girl who knows jack shit about guns, really, but I like the aesthetic. Regardless, I'm learning to ignore it. I've regained my ability to consider things with my usual dark humor. And for once, I'm able to say all my clever thoughts in a perfect deadpan voice. When I'm happy, I have a tendency to laugh at my own jokes, which is super uncool.

And maybe I'm not off of being a victim of love

All my resistance will never be distance enough

I've been trying to do things that make me feel more like myself when I have some precious free time. Like watching a lot of "New Girl" and indie films starring Daniel Radcliffe (no idea why - I guess I like his face), saving way too many Pride & Prejudice memes on Pinterest, searching for new music, and reading constantly. Now that my incision is mostly healed, I've been trying to go on walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my oldest so he can get some baby-free Mommy Time. I downloaded the Randonautica app, so I can explore more of my neighborhood while actively trying to alter the fabric of Space-Time. The app calculates quantum blind spots (in addition to other things). A quantum blind spot is a location you wouldn't ever end up in due to causally linked forces - i.e., places you would never logically go for any reason in your life. The theory goes that, by being someplace you were never supposed to be, you can alter the timeline. I figure it couldn't hurt to try. To add to things, the app encourages thinking of an intention when you go on your adventure. Encouraging people to start a conversation with the Universe. Don't worry - it's only fucking around if I don't take notes. And I love taking notes.

Happy Full Moon in Scorpio! Jupiter and Pluto just met in an exact conjunction for the last time and Jupiter will, finally, be leaving the hellscape of Capricorn soon enough. 

"Wreck of the Day" Video