"Heartbeats" by The Knife (as covered by Jose Gonzalez)

I downloaded the original version of this song by Swedish electropop duo, The Knife, in a free mix from some music website about 10 years ago. Legally free music was actually quite easy to find back in the day but these mixes were always kind of a crapshoot. I, of course, wanted to like everything I found. But even I have limits (overextended and nebulous as they may be). "Heartbeats" was one of those rare gems I liked from the beginning. Catchy, upbeat but with lyrics that were surprisingly pensive. The original is also a really good running song. Electropop in general is good for cardio. "Heartbeats" has a slow tempo and steady rhythm that is excellent for cool down periods. Also, you gotta love any song that includes liberal use of the marimba. I'm pretty sure it's the law.

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under influence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

The Jose Gonzalez version is a bit of an indie darling and a go-to soundtrack staple for melancholic independent romances and poignant moments in dramatic television shows. Listen for something like it whenever the protagonist is missing his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he did or said something stupid. Bonus points if he's using the time to pursue his lost passion as the script beats a crescendo into a dramatic romantic gesture. It's easily one of those songs that has been pushed to the point of overuse in popular media, from commercials to film and TV, and most people don't even realize it. You have definitely heard this song if you've seen the following movies or TV shows:  Scrubs; Bones; The Blacklist; This is Us; Superstore; Donkey Punch; Everything, Everything; and One Tree Hill. There's probably more and there will be more. The sentiment it expresses is universal and this interpretation exemplifies the virtues of the indie acoustic genre. Gentle, honest, and folksy - just how all songs about heartbreak should be....well, when they aren't dark, cryptic, and don't have a totally necessary violin solo. You read that right. Totally necessary. Always.

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

"Heartbeats" is about a short-lived relationship and it calls to mind a particular indie film. Screened's series "What's the point of a Doomed Romance?" did a lovely video essay on "Lost in Translation." This film goes over the few short days the two characters have to connect before they have to go their separate ways. Both Bob and Charlotte are feeling lost - literally lost and confused in the foreign country (Japan) they find themselves stuck in and metaphorically lost in life. They don't know what they want, they don't know what to do next, and they don't know how to get unstuck. They are reaching out for a lifeline when they find each other and form an emotional bond. When it ends, they both know they will need to get their shit together and make some hard decisions about the direction they want to go. For the span of the film, however, the relationship is a refuge. It relieves them from some of the pain they've been feeling. It makes them feel seen, heard, and understood, for the first time in a long time. And during that reprieve from real life, Bob and Charlotte are able to clearly understand what it is they're missing. "Heartbeats" is about a similar experience - two people jumping full force into a connection. A connection that just flows, where nothing they say to each other is stupid and the two people in it feel alive. And then the weight of uncertainty settles in. Will it go anywhere? Can it go anywhere? Or is it destined to be just this beautiful, fleeting thing? The song captures a moment so rare and magical, people only experience it once, if at all. 

COVID Update:  Feeling a little better. The scary stuff - feeling completely disconnected from my children; feeling helpless and inadequate at doing anything; irrational fears about miscarrying, having a stillbirth, or dying in childbirth; being afraid I was hurting my baby by being utterly incompetent as a mother - seems to have passed. Still struggling with a lot of guilt, especially guilt about not asking for help earlier. I wonder if things would've gone better. I have an aching feeling they would have but I have a bad habit of thinking I can handle things perfectly well on my own, even when I can feel myself drowning. Is it pride? Maybe. But it's probably more about self-preservation. A false belief that if I don't need or want anything from anyone, that makes me a good person. Essentially, as long as I martyr myself, everyone else will be okay, which means that I'll be okay. Nothing and no one can hurt me. To be honest, I think it took so long to decide to get counseling because being depressed this time didn't really feel abnormal. It just felt like what I've been dealing with my whole life and, like with most people, it took a real crisis for me to recognize I can't keep handling this by myself.

Along with normal talk therapy, I've fallen down the rabbit hole of Attachment Theory on YouTube. I learned I have a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment type, which is a mashup of all the insecure attachment types and is typical for people with abusive/neglectful/traumatic childhoods. I am Harlow's Monkey. I linked a brief video explaining that reference, because I currently have neither the energy nor the patience to explain even the basics of those experiments. The gist is people given conflicting messages about care and love - for example, getting their basic needs met but being treated coldly, without affection or even with clear abuse - grow up with equally conflicted reactions to love and intimacy. They desperately crave it and yet get scared and/or detached when they're receiving it. This leads to hot/cold behavior and a tendency to either be averse to commitment or staying in shallow, unfulfilling (and - in extreme cases - toxic or abusive) relationships for much longer than is healthy. And that's why I got a psychology degree - to psychoanalyze myself...yet I still ended up having to go to therapy. I do find it fascinating. It's interesting to connect the dots and understand how all these psychological theories fit together to create a unique psyche and how coping/defense mechanisms arose to protect it. No less fascinating is diving into the counseling methodologies that have been developed to help rebuild a person when mental crisis hits. As someone who was very into self-help books and personal development from an early age, I think learning how therapy works is equally as helpful as the therapy itself, simply because it's not affordable for everyone to get help from a professional. A lot of people only have YouTube videos to understand what they are going through and what they need to do to get better. People do what they can. I'm so lucky to have options I do.

Sharing both The Knife version and the Jose Gonzalez version, because they are so different from each other. It's always a nice surprise to find a cover of a song done in a disparate style that is able to show a new aspect of the lyrics. Enjoy!

Jose Gonzalez version

The Knife version