"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"Too Much" by The Spice Girls

When this post is published - because I'm scheduling this one to publish at the exact time of the New Moon just to be extra - it will mark the Sun's ingress into Cancer and a total annular solar eclipse at 0° Cancer, which just happens to be exactly on my natal Venus. Fun times. No seriously - this is my season and, as far as I'm concerned, Cancer season is the best season. I chose "Too Much" by The Spice Girls because Cancerians can get a little nostalgic and what's more nostalgic than 1997? There's also a lot of crazy astrological stuff going on in the second half of 2020. I've been listening to professional astrologers' forecast and - whoo, boy! - if you thought the first half of 2020 sucked, I've got some bad news for you. And it all kicks off with this eclipse here. I'll go into why I chose this particular Spice Girls song later on - although it is my favorite Spice Girls song, it does legit address some of the major themes the eclipse this morning highlights and questions/concerns that we'll be further underscored throughout the rest of the year. As I said, there's a lot going on just within this first month of the second half of 2020 so I'll just jump into it. Quick forewarning - while I'm writing this, I've already plugged in some skeleton notes and, needless to say, this is going to be a long post. Buckle up.

Love is blind, as far as the eye can see

Deep and meaningless, words to me

Easy lover, I need a friend

Road to nowhere, twist and turns but will this never end

Well my dear you'll know that he pleases me (eases me)

But short term solution ain't no resolution

There ain't no release for me

First, let's just address the elephant in the room - Mercury went retrograde in Cancer on Thursday. Personally - and I say this as someone who has natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer - this is the least of our worries. It might actually be a good thing. The themes of this retrograde, especially since it partially overlaps the Venus Retrograde and joins a bunch of other planets in retrograde motion, are very heart-based. The big question we're being asked is "Am I living authentically from my heart?" What does that mean? Well, there's a lot that goes into that question but it deals mostly with living with integrity. Are we acting in accordance with our core principles? Are we being honest with ourselves and others about how we feel? Especially when it comes to patterns and relationships that seem like they're on repeat. Cancer energy tends to be nostalgic, focusing on the good things, while ignoring the bad. It tends to make people with Cancer placements very loyal to those they love. But this can often be to their detriment, especially when they're in situation where the majority of the time, they feel unappreciated and unloved. They allow the positives of the past override the reality of the present. Cancer placements also have tendency to want to be giving but have difficulty receiving and thus, may not voice their needs and boundaries. As a result, resentment can build but the other person will have no idea. Mercury Retrograde is here to give us the push we need to identify what needs aren't being met and re-evaluate if they can be met given the current situation. I've been struck by the first line in MCR's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - "Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say." If you want honesty, you have to give it to yourself first.

Cancer has a reputation of being the sign of emotions. As a result, Cancer natives get branded as too sensitive, cry-babies, irrational, and various other things. But being in tune with our emotions can give us powerful insight to drive us forward in our lives. Emotions - yes, negative ones, too - are telling us something important about how our body is processing an experience. Anger is telling us we feel our needs, desires, and boundaries are being dishonored and disregarded by another's actions. Resentment is signaling that we are doing things to please someone else, not because we wanted to do it. That we said "yes" because we feared the potential consequences of saying "no," and by doing so, we ignored our own boundaries. Sadness and depression are often signs that we don't have ownership over our lives or we aren't on our desired life path. It's a sign we might need to make a difficult change, not just in the physical world but in our mental and emotional world as well.

The Mercury Retrograde - in conjunction with Venus in Gemini - is calling our attention to what Julia Cameron calls "crazymakers" in "The Artist's Way." What is a crazymaker? Simply put, it's a person who forcefully makes themselves the center of our attention, even when you need to prioritize yourself. Especially when you need to prioritize yourself. They have a tendency to drag us into their drama or make us feel guilty about our accomplishments, as if our success takes away from them somehow. Everything you do - good or bad - is always a reflection on them. And thus, trying to voice your needs or boundaries is an affront to them, which results in them devising ways of trying to keep you from your goals. Things that may seem innocuous at first, like demanding you something for them even though you set aside the time to work on a personal project (these are usually things that can wait until you're finished, not emergencies). In short, they are effective at making us feel like we're "crazy" or even worse, that we're a bad person if we don't immediately give in to them. The big question to ask yourself is, "how does this person make me feel?"  This question will force us to really compare whether someone is living in integrity. Do their words match their actions and do their actions match their emotions? Mercury Retrograde in Cancer is here to remind you that you're not being too sensitive. Your needs are your needs and if you make the effort to communicate what they are and someone still disregards them, that's your sign something is wrong with your relationship with this person. Inconsistency in how someone treats you should always be a red flag.

Unwrap yourself from around my finger

Hold me too tight or left to linger

Something fine built to last

Slipped up there I guess we're running out of time too fast

Yes my dear you know he soothes me (moves me)

There's no complication there's no explanation

It's just a groove in me

Let's move onto the eclipse, which I'm going to interpret from a more personal perspective, as a demonstration of how to use transits as an analytical tool. It's exactly conjunct with my natal Venus (at 0° Cancer), which also happens to fall on my Ascendant-Descendant axis. Right away, I can tell that the themes this eclipse will awaken (for me) has to do with how I approach the way I relate to others and the effect on how I view myself. Since Venus is currently in Gemini, also hopping around my Ascendant-Descendant axis, my needs in relationships (both with others and myself) are even further underscored. Hence why I chose "Too Much." This song is about a woman (or five) who is moving from relationship to relationship but not ever exactly getting what she needs. But she doesn't want to be single, so she often finds herself settling. One guy is great in bed but she doesn't enjoy hanging out with him otherwise. Another guy is inconsistent in how he treats her - first he's clingy, now he's distant. The harsh truth is she doesn't know what she wants so she doesn't really know what she's looking for when she's dating. She allows things to progress into a full relationship even when she knows something is missing. She wants the full package but she's not willing to stay single until she finds it. So what is the full package? Well, I don't think it's that hard. Amazing sex, even better conversation, dependability, and someone who can stand on their own. Cancer placements are nurturers, but there's a big difference between nurturing and mothering. Someone who mothers you does things for others because they don't think they're capable of doing it for themselves; someone who nurtures you does things for others because they want to, because taking care of a person is how they show care (Acts of Service, if you know about Love Languages). They know you can do something yourself, they just want to make life a little easier for you. Yes, I'm a big Acts of Service person, but Touch and Quality Time are tied in a close second and third. I could care less about Gifts or Words - if you're not holding me (among other things), spending time with me, or trying to help me with the zillion things I'm embroiled in, your words and gifts don't mean jack. I can buy my own shit and I talk to myself almost constantly so....that's that on that.

What part of no don't you understand (understand, understand)

I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can

Boy who thinks he can

Finally, Mars will be moving into Aries and will be hanging out there due to a retrograde until early 2021. I haven't talked about Aries much but there's a lot of things to love about this sign. It's the sign of creativity, independence, courage, and passion. It's big stand up for yourself energy. It's also big stand up for others and what you believe in energy. Mars is at home (i.e., in domicile) in Aries and when a planet is in its home sign, you can expect that the subjects of that planet to be amplified. For Mars, this means War, Anger, Sexuality, Protection/Defense, and Goals. All of the things that we've been ruminating on and reviewing during the Mercury and Venus Retrogrades - and the major shifts we experienced collectively with the Saturn-Pluto conjunction - will come to the forefront while Mars is in Aries. And we'll finally have the energy and courage to do something about it! It's also important to note that Mars will be making some harsh squares against the conjunctions in Capricorn and this tends to manifest as a shakeup to the foundations of institutions. And I mean ALL institutions. Big Government. Big Pharma. Big Finance. Big Geology. The Military-Industrial Complex. The Church. Marriage. With Uranus in Taurus, which will be the biggest influence ruling over the 2020 decade, anything with shaky foundations may crumble. On a personal note, Mars in Aries will be loosely conjunct with the asteroids Chiron, Eris, and Lilith. These have a reputation as troublemakers. Eris is the Goddess of Discord (another one of my favorites) and she brings a lot of righteous anger to the table and buried resentments may come to head during these next six months. Lilith is about the ways we feel repressed and unappreciated, especially sexually - if needs and desires aren't being acknowledged, Mars will ignite these slights in explosive ways. And finally, Chiron represents our inner wounding - in Aries, this wound manifests as feeling as if we are not allowed to be ourselves. If you haven't been living in integrity and authenticity, it's really going to get under your skin for the rest of this year - until you do something about it. Just to sum up, all the shit we've been repressing and resenting - sometimes for years, decades even - is going to come up in a big way. 

On the bright side, Mars in Aries will be activating my North Node and Jupiter in my 11th House. It's a nudge to embrace the creative, independent, courageous free-spirit I'm meant to be. That's been gradually coming out in the past few years, especially since my Saturn Return, and that pull is only going to get stronger as I approach my nodal return (which happens when we're approximately 36-38). Mars in Aries will (hopefully, theoretically) give me a push to start working and building on some of the recent revelations I've had about my life purpose and direction in life. I've been flooded with a bunch of inspirational insights so I've been trying to manage them as best I can, even with the overwhelming amount of information coming in from the outside world. If the astrology forecasts are to be believed, it's only going to get more crazy as we move forward, so now's the time to put plans in place for how to manage it. If you know you have inner work to do, it's best to do it now before it's too late. It's also a good time to start living from an authentic place. The cards I pulled from my Threads of Fate: Shadow Edition deck for June were "Speak Truth" and "Manifest." You can't do one without the other.

Thank you for reading my crazy rant on the astrology of 2020. As a reward, please enjoy this ridiculously hodge-podge Spice Girls video. Fun facts - Geri is my favorite Spice Girl and my favorite part of the song is the bridge. "I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can." It's such a simple sentence but it has so much power. It also brings up some real deep questions about masculinity and how that's interpreted in the context of (heterosexual) relationships. But that's clearly a conversation for another day.

"Too Much" Video

"Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple

"Love Ridden" is my favorite Fiona Apple song. I haven't been listening to it a lot because it makes me sad but it's easily one of her most beautiful ballads. It's also one of the most heartbreaking. I've flirted with the idea of learning the piano accompaniment. As a party trick, something I can perform on a whim. I don't have much more to say about this song, except I wanted to share it today. Because I felt like writing something but I didn't know what. And the lyrics speak for themselves.

I looked into Fiona's chart, just to understand how her placements might contribute to her speaking to me on the level that they do. She has a lot of amazing placements in her chart. Moon in Virgo, which can sometimes be a difficult placement. It can translate into a strong desire to feel needed in relationships. With Venus in Leo, this is coupled with a strong desire to be wanted in a relationship and associating being wanted with getting a lot of attention. This is evident from the lyrics in "Love Ridden" - when faced with a situation where she feels increasingly unloved and unwanted, she'd rather distance herself than confront it head on. This is a very Virgo thing - they never want to be a burden and, oftentimes, they believe asking for what they need to feel loved is burdensome to others. In fact, they'd think of accepting the end of the relationship, even if it isn't what they want, as setting the other person free. Besides having a Virgo stellium and a very prominent Leo placement, she has an interesting play on essential dignities. Her Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer but her Mars is in Fall in Cancer. Let's talk about how that works out.

Love ridden, I've looked at you

With the focus I gave to my birthday candles

I've wished on the lidded blue flames...

Under your brow

And baby, I wished for you!

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed

And I wanna...

Crawl in with you

But I cry instead

I want your warmth, but it will only make me colder

When it's over

So I can't tonight, baby!

Mars is the planet of war, fury, and passion and it actually holds domicile in another water sign, Scorpio. But where Scorpio revels in vengeance, Cancer sees it as dangerous and selfish. Where Scorpio translates "passion" in sexual terms, Cancer is more romantic in the approach (a very Venusian perspective). When a planet is in its Fall, it is at a severe disadvantage. For Mars, that often means that Martian themes are repressed and often redirected inwards. Mars in Cancer is very much like the cast members at Disneyworld. As much as they'd like to punch that rude parent in the face and tell them to go fuck themselves, they'll most likely put on a fake smile and say "Have a magical day!" instead. (My little sister said that if I a cast member says that, they're telling you to fuck off. She has a ton of amazing yet surreal stories like this from her stint as a corporate prisoner at Disneyworld.) When angry, a person with Mars in Cancer might pout and sulk about a grievance when what they'd really like to do is toss your phone across the room. Or take a sledgehammer to your computer. Or just strangle you a little bit. Or fuck you until you're too sore to move. Or maybe they'd combine the latter two, because some people are into that, especially when they're insanely repressed. I'm sure there's a whole book on the astrology of sexual kinks that I have yet to discover (and will probably Google after I finish writing). But you can't write this placement off as being a coward because they have no issue standing up and fighting for others. It's advocating for themselves - speaking for their own needs, their own desires, their own boundaries - that becomes difficult. Mostly out of fear of harming or burdening others. Anger might be focused inwardly, as it is the only acceptable place for it to go. As a result, this can be a very self-destructive placement. If you listen to Fiona's songs, they all have this super chill vibe but the actual lyrics are often expressing anger or disappointment, at both the people she loves and at herself.

Conversely, Jupiter is Exalted in Cancer. A planet in exaltation is like a person who is on vacation - their inhibitions are lifted and they are open to new experiences. For a planet like Jupiter, it heightens its expansiveness, good fortune, and focus on big ideas. Where her Moon in Virgo might manifest as a person who is emotionally inhibited, Jupiter in Cancer eases that hesitation to be more emotionally honest. I also have a feeling that this placement manifests as someone who believes in True Love without question - open to the idea of soulmates and the hope of a perfect match. They can handle matters of the heart without issue and can be relied on to provide sound relationship advice, especially when it comes to disappoint in love. This is also considered to be an extremely lucky placement - for example, Taylor Swift becoming an iconic musical artist (and one of the wealthiest) before she even got close to turning 30. Or like Jennifer Lawrence winning her first Oscar....when she was only 22. Or Steve Jobs becoming the poster child for tech wizardry and innovation for an entire generation. Doing research on this placement, there is an extreme number of A-list celebrities and politicians with Jupiter in Cancer. However, I did note that several died young and usually at the height of their career (e.g., Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, James Dean), so it sounds like it can be a double-edged sword. Much like Icarus flying too close to the Sun.

No! Not "baby" anymore!

If I need you I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

My hand won't hold you down, no more!

The path is...

Clear to follow through

I stood too long in the way of the door!

And now, I'm giving up on...

You!

Finally, I wanted to note that Fiona Apple has natal Mercury Retrograde in Virgo. I know what you're thinking - Oh no! Not Mercury Retrograde! As someone who also has a natal Mercury Retrograde (in Cancer), there's a lot of good things about this placement. It is often said that this placement can manifest as difficulty in being understood. But that is par for the course - misunderstanding can be expected when you simply see the world differently from others. Though Mercury Retrograde natives may have problems with communication and being misunderstood early in their lives, they often are considered some of the greatest communicators when they grow up. This placement bestows a way of explaining things that helps others see things in a different light. They are often seen as great connectors, bringing together people who feel like outsiders in some way. They often have a keen (albeit dark) sense of humor and can see the bright side in generally shitty situations. They tend to be able to put difficult emotions into words others can understand and connect to. And they often become advocates for those who aren't able to speak for themselves. Some Mercury Retrograde natives include Angelina Jolie (in Gemini), Lady Gaga (in Pisces), and Monica Lewinsky (in Cancer).

Guess this was my roundabout way of saying Mercury is about to go Retrograde in Cancer this Thursday. Get ready to feel all the feels - because this summer is going to be a long one. I can tell already.

"Love Ridden" Video

"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

I was talking to my coworker a couple days ago and he was asking me about how my pregnancy is going. I told him when I was due, which reminded me that I'm due almost exactly two weeks after the My Chemical Romance concert I bought tickets for. Mind you, I bought them before I found out I was pregnant. And before we all knew how bad this pandemic was going to be (and it looks like we've all resigned ourselves to it being worse than it had to be). In preparation for this concert, I've been trying to catch up on all MCR's albums and get familiar with the songs that came out when I stopped listening to them so much. Like everyone, I got into MCR after the release of "Three Cheers for Sweet Romance." This was the second studio album for the band and - fun fact - we very recently passed the 16th anniversary of its release (on 8 June). I've taken to listening to music while I'm taking a shower on the weekends (I usually can't do that most days because I'm taking a shower at like 4am). This album got me through a lot of hard times - moving my senior year of high school, a rough relationship with my mom, and starting university with all my various hangups and insecurities. True, I started listening to MCR because I thought Gerard Way was hot and I like the aesthetics, but I stayed because they created truly great music. Only bands who created truly great music can launch a reunion tour and get so much enthusiasm back. Especially bands that were popular in the early 2000s - as we've discussed, the early 2000s was a rough time for music.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

But she could try

So what is unique about MCR's music that makes them stand out amongst the dozens of emo bands that arose during that time period? First, they didn't just embrace a dark aesthetic - they embodied it. Their songs were extremely deep and dealt with painful topics - suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, lost loves, and just generally feeling like a freak. A lot of these bands were fronted-by (and/or were completely composed of) what I deemed "pretty boys." MCR was not. Don't get me wrong, the guys were attractive but it was obvious they were no strangers to the punk/goth aesthetic and this was a result of having a really difficult time in high school. Gerard Way was a pull for many teenage girls, like myself, but when he was in high school, he was bullied. He was the weird, chubby kid who was always drawing dark comics. All the things Ray Toro listed in the beginning of the "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" video, that was Gerard Way in a nutshell. Moving on, the second thing that makes the music unique is, not only did they know how to play their instruments, they knew how to play them well. There's a level of complexity in MCR songs that you just don't see in other punk/emo music. These guys aren't just playing the same four chords. They wanted the music to be dramatic, operatic storytelling, a perspective they learned from early influences like David Bowie and Queen. In addition to that, they understood the power of visuals - not just in the album artwork but also in the lyrics. Finally, they weren't afraid to add things to the music that weren't necessarily "pretty" - weird vocals, nonsensical drum and guitar solos, and even unusual musical styles (like bringing in Western-style tropes for multiple songs on "Three Cheers") were a normal part of their repertoire. As a result, almost every MCR song feels and sounds unique. From the start, it was clear they weren't manufactured and that was one of the biggest draws for fans.

Ever

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

I was listening to "The Ghost of You" in the shower and was thinking about it, what it reminds me of. The video for this song takes place during WWII, on D-Day. The story in the video is especially sad, because Mikey dies (Mikey and Gerard are brothers). However, I think they took a lot of their inspiration from "Saving Private Ryan," where the whole point is to prevent the last brother in a family from dying in WWII, and wiping out an entire family line. Taking the WWII thing a step further, I started thinking of one of my favorite Marvel superheroes - Captain America - which started into a rant about how he embodies the master archetype of evolved Cancerian energy. When I started thinking about that, I started noting how many heroes are Cancers. This isn't a coincidence - artists and writers aren't just like "this guys should be born in July." There is something powerful about this archetype that draws people towards it. It's also a very polarizing energy - you either love it or hate it - and Cancer, along with Geminis and Scorpios (Yay! My Big 3...), get probably the most hate among people who don't understand how astrology works. I'll explore this at a later date, probably closer to my birthday, and I specifically wanted to use Steve Rogers as the example. Bringing that back around, I started thinking about Captain America because this song embodies his relationship with Peggy Carter. They don't even get to have a first date and explore the connection they have because the mission comes first. They are separated for decades and, even though he tries to move on, he just can't. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he needs to do to save the world. Once the mission is over, ::Spoiler Alert:: he uses the first opportunity he gets to go back to her and give her the life they both deserved together.

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

I meant to write this earlier but I slept all day yesterday. Or sort of slept - a lot of the time was spent lying there, trying to will myself to move but failing. Wanting to be held but not knowing how to ask for it. I only got up because I remembered that I should probably eat because I hadn't eaten all day and that isn't good for the baby. That seems like the only reason I've been eating lately. If I wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't be eating at all to be honest. I just don't feel like it most days and if I try to eat, I can't bring myself to eat as much as I normally would. I didn't want to laze about all day but I thought to myself "it's okay...for one day, it's okay to give in." I don't feel much better today but I am writing so that's a start. That's the good thing - I still have flashes of inspiration, where these beautiful sentences will come in my head. And I'll have enough energy to write them down or text them to myself. That's one thing that's been really remarkable about this time - I'm thinking and writing more clearly than I ever have. I'm actually able to translate the swirls of information in my head into something coherent and somewhat creative. I've written some surprisingly beautiful things in the past few weeks - I thought they were shit at the time but when I re-read them, I realize they're actually pretty good. Almost like I'm not the one who wrote them. But I did. I miss my sisters a lot, especially my older sister. Luckily, she set up a family chat for today, so I'm looking forward to that. That's just how it's going to be for now - keep holding on for that next thing that brings me joy. Push through and keep writing, even when it sounds like mud in my head.

"The Ghost of You" Video

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

I woke up last Thursday with this song stuck in my head. And, I was like, "Really, Jess? Are we really going to do this today?" That being said, I'm a sucker for cheesy 90s love songs and this one has to be the cheesiest. And, yet again, there's that goddamn flamenco guitar. I really do have a type when it comes to music, don't I? I read somewhere that Venus (or was it Mercury?) in Cancer has an amazing emotional memory when it comes to music. I have both placements, so maybe it's a double whammy? I don't know - I'm still an amateur. This song was recorded as the theme for the film, "Don Juan DeMarco" and - while I love me some Johnny Depp - I have not seen the movie. I've added it to my list, because it sounds like a movie I would like. It's a romantic comedy about a man who believes he's Don Juan, the greatest lover in the world. When he goes to get psychiatric treatment, hilarity ensues (I'm assuming) and his psychiatrist learns something about love. Sounds ridiculous. But I'm ridiculous, so it fits. As sappy as it was, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" was nominated for Best Original Song at the 1996 Academy Awards, but lost to "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas" (a worthy opponent). Also, can you believe the gall of Wikipedia in categorizing this song as "latin rock"?! You can't just put shit in that category because it sounds vaguely Spanish! Yes, I am shaking my head furiously.

To really love a woman

To understand her you gotta know her deep inside

Hear every thought see every dream

And give her wings when she wants to fly

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms

You know ya really love a woman

I didn't have much of a rant for this song, beyond that it popped into my head out of nowhere, but that happens quite frequently. A song I haven't heard in several years will suddenly become an earwig for me and it gets reincorporated into the repertoire. Occasionally, I'll consider it a sign but sometimes, it might be just nostalgia. For a moment long forgotten....or one that should be. While we're on the topic of signs, I've been considering some of the other ones I've been getting lately. In particular, I've been called toward Persephone, Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. This was my favorite Greek myth when I was younger. I used to read it over and over in "D'Aulaire's Greek Mythology," which I highly recommend for children who are interested in mythology. First, I've been seeing a lot of posts on Pinterest featuring pomegranates and poems about Persephone. Then, she keeps being mentioned in podcasts. And she was mentioned in a particular podcast I was listening to about sacred sexuality, regarding the Pluto/Hades-Persephone archetype. The podcast host was talking about the desire to be claimed. I thought the discussion around it was intriguing. For those unfamiliar with Greek mythology, Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the Underworld to be his Queen. This was a deal that Zeus had made with Hades in secret, because he thought her mother, Demeter, wouldn't allow it. While in the Underworld, Persephone ate six pomegranate arils (seeds). Demeter searched the whole world for her daughter and when she found her, she tried to bring her back. But because Persephone ate food of the Underworld, he would only allow her to return for 6 months out of every year - one month for every seed she ate. And that is why, according to the Greeks, we have seasons.

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

'Til ya know how she needs to be touched

You've gotta breathe her, really taste her

'Til you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

The typical interpretation of this story is Persephone was taken by force and tricked by Hades into eating the pomegranate seeds. However, modern witchcraft and Dark Goddess worshippers have a different interpretation. Persephone made a choice. Out of all the nymphs, Hades chose to claim Persephone, because he could see her greatness. He knew she would be a great and just Queen. Her mother would have Summer all year long but he knew Persephone was wiser than that. She knew that the world needs time to rest and recoup, to process, understand, and appreciate the gifts of Summer. And so, she chose to give the world a yearly reprieve from her mother's Endless Summer and shaped her own path to her Destiny. Persephone is the also considered a Goddess of Rebirth. She encourages us to embrace the darkness and shadows, because when we emerge, we've become stronger and more luminous than before. In addition to Lilith, I've always considered her a personal guide for me. Listening to that podcast helped something click, and I've been spending a lot of time exploring those revelations in the past week. 

Just some light Saturday thoughts. I'm super good at those. 

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Video

"Moondance" by Van Morisson

Tonight is the Full (Strawberry) Moon in Sagittarius and earlier today, we experienced a penumbral lunar eclipse at 15° Sagittarius. At approximately 12:12pm Pacific Time, give or take a few minutes. To understand what that means, before we get into the astrology of it all, we have to go back to some basic astronomy. The umbra is another name for the Earth's shadow and when the umbra falls directly over the moon (causing it to glow red), that's an umbral (or total) eclipse. A penumbral eclipse happens when the umbra only partially covers the moon - it's still an eclipse but it's a partial one. The United States wouldn't have really seen it because it occurred during our daylight hours, but people in India and other parts of the Middle East probably got a lovely surprise in their night sky. Now, there's also some basic rules that Full Moons and eclipses follow in astrology. In order for a Full Moon to be considered "full," the sun and the moon have to be in opposing signs (like Gemini and Sagittarius) at the exact same degree. Furthermore, in order for an eclipse to happen, the Full Moon has to be taking place in close proximity to the lunar nodes (I'll explain that later). The closer the moon falls to the nodal axis, the closer to a total eclipse it gets. The North Node recently moved into Gemini, with the South Node in Sagittarius, and they are both sitting at 29° of their respective signs.

And I'm trying to please to the calling

Of your heart-strings that play soft and low

And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush

And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

For fun and profit (jk...not really profit), I've been studying my own natal chart to understand better astrological events and tracking their effect on my life and the things happening in current events. If we're just taking into account the shit in my natal chart, this Full Moon eclipse in Sagittarius is an important one for me. It is almost directly conjunct my Ascendant-Descendant axis (where my 1st and 7th Houses begin) and exactly conjunct my natal Saturn. Add the fact that Venus Retrograde is also conjunct my natal Ascendant, it's just a whole party. This eclipse season (because we have two more coming up) actually looks like it's designed specifically to my specifications. The solar eclipse, on 21 June, is at 0° Cancer, which will be exactly conjunct my natal Venus (also in the 1st House). Then, the final eclipse on 5 July (yep, the day before my birthday) at 13° Capricorn will be opposite my natal Sun and Mercury and conjunct my natal Neptune. And, yet again, like the one in January, it will be falling in my 8th House. What all that could mean personally, I'm only starting to unpack. Eclipse energy is hard to predict. But I know eclipses always bring change - especially when we're starting a transition to a new nodal axis.

I was reading my old journal again and I've found a few gems. For instance, this sparkling thought from New Year's Day 2012: "Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I'll never be 'normal' or even 'average.' I'm not meant to fit in and I don't really want to." Whoo, child. I always felt I was too big for my body. But 25-year-old me was right - I don't know how to play it small. Stars are meant to shine, right? I'm sure I've written that trite-but-true-ism somewhere in that journal, too. A lot of my hopes in dreams from 8 years ago still stand, too. I want to be a writer - that hasn't changed since I was a little girl. And for some reason, I wanted to live on a farm. Sure, that dream has evolved quite a bit - it's a lavender farm now, with a Bed & Breakfast where I host Writer's Retreats and spirituality workshops - and, someday, I might actually own and run this mythical farm. But, for now, it's still a pleasant day dream to have from time to time. When I look back on exactly this time in 2012, I actually wrote it down - I was having an existentialist crisis....and nobody seemed to notice (she lamented bitterly in her online blog). Between May and July of 2012, I only wrote two posts on this blog and I didn't write much more than that in the journal. I can always tell how depressed I must be when my writing decreases - I just don't feel like it any more. Because what's the point? Even when I have good ideas, I don't have the courage or confidence to execute them. However, in the last two years, I averaged one post every three days. That's pretty amazing and I'm kind of proud of myself, because I can see the change in my writing. And my mindset.

There and then all my dreams will come true, dear

There and then I will make you my own

And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside

And I know how much you want me that you can't hide

Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about what this penumbral Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius means for the rest of you poor schlubs. As I mentioned, we're moving out of the Cancer-Capricorn axis (Family-Career dichotomy, or Emotional vs Financial Security) and moving into the Gemini-Sagittarius axis (Knowledge-Wisdom dichotomy, or Details vs Big Picture). The important thing to remember about the North Node (Ketu) and South Node (Rahu) is you're aiming for balance. Evolutionary astrologists say that one's natal North Node is indicative of their Destiny and the South Node is indicative of Past Lives. However, going to far in either direction causes problems - you have to balance the lessons and natural skills/talents of your South Node with who your North Node indicates will bring about the most growth. For example, I am naturally artistic, intellectual, friendly and (dare I say it) charming - all traits of a Libra South Node - and those things help to balance the bossy, assertive, and brave (stupid) aspects of my Aries North Node. Too far in either direction and I'm either a doormat (Libra) or an asshole (Aries). And I'm not ashamed to say I've been both at various times in my life. Sometimes in the same day. 

Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love

Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

This Full Moon is shining light on the Sagittarius end of the axis, which calls us to examine our long held beliefs and philosophies. Not just our societal beliefs, but the ones we hold about ourselves. Beliefs about our unworthiness, our flaws, and the things we believe hold us back in life. This eclipse is giving us an opportunity to review those things and make the hard change, if it's needed. That's where Gemini comes into the picture. Gemini is all about embracing the polarities and combining them into a unified whole. You can make a mistake AND still be competent at your job. You can be rejected by someone you love AND still be lovable. Being ruled by Mercury, Gemini is there to help us find new and innovative to solve our problems. Where Sagittarius sees only one Truth, Gemini sees a myriad of Possibilities. Is that thing you want really impossible for you to have? Or are you just afraid to take a chance? That's what Gemini asks us - to take chances, to make mistakes, to make the hard choice. Gemini is also about Communication and with the North Node moving through this sign, it's giving us the ability and courage to put our desires and goals and ideas into words. Never underestimate the power of putting what you want into words, of writing down your goals. There's power in records, as you've seen from my trip down memory lane. The development of language is the only reason we have a history and writing will always be the greatest invention in human civilization. It's what enabled us to get this far. That's the lesson the Gemini-Sagittarius nodal axis teaches us - it's the details that ultimately build the big picture. In order to truly understand something, you need to take in as much information as you can.

This is a song I remember fondly from my childhood. It reminds me of long road trips with my dad, listening to Van Morrison (among other artists) through the night while my sisters and my mom slept. It was the only moon-related song I could think of off the top of my head, without going searching. I'm pretty sure this song about Van Morrison trying to get laid, though. "Moondance" very well could be a euphemism for sex. Sorry if that ruins it for you.

"Moondance" Video

"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (as performed by Rufus Wainwright)

I chose this song for today because - to me - it speaks of deep surrender. A few months ago, I think I described myself as been "in the wilderness." It's much farther than that. These last couple of months have been slow and have left a lot of time to reflect. I opened my eyes and realized my life has descended into chaos. And I've been here for a long time. For my astrological research, I took the opportunity to look back at a journal I kept in 2012. Funnily enough, I kept it to document the last year before the projected end of the world - 21 December 2012. All this shit we're experiencing now in 2020, I fully expected to see eight years ago. Plenty of journal entries expressed disappointment at such a lackluster apocalypse. It was painful to read those entries because they were written by a vapid, shallow, silly little girl. And I'm grateful to know that because sometimes, it doesn't feel like I've grown at all. But I have. I'm not that naive, delusional girl anymore but I'm disappointed to find the circumstances she was dealing with nearly a decade go have an unpleasantly familiar flavor. All I want is to get off this wheel so how do I break it?

Now, I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

In the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time reading the numerous spiritual books I own and rediscovering who I am. Remembering the things I love and reminding myself of the things I want. And I've spent a lot of time praying, especially in the past week. It's difficult, because I haven't been very clear on what I want in the past. And some of the things I'm certain I want seem impossibly out of reach. The Husband has seen me cry more in the past 5 months than he has in the entire 15 years we've been together - and that's not an exaggeration. I hide sadness as a necessity, because it makes others more comfortable. It's as natural to me as breathing. This and other strong walls inside me are breaking and the only thing I can do is accept it with grace and compassion. To let my heart be soft and quiet, in the face of so much chaos. It has become necessary in order for me to take the next steps in my journey.

A thought occurred to me - has been occurring to me for a long time. I have to extinguish the flame of hope and allow faith to lead the way. Do the hard thing, the thing you've been avoiding for so long, because it's for the best. It might not be what I want but this is how it has to be right now. Let it be. This thought reminded me of an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender," which I rewatched recently, because I was getting a lot of signs to do so. There's this episode where Aang learns the Legend of the Two Lovers, the first Earthbenders. He and Katara are separated from the rest of the group in a dark cave and after reading the story of the Earthbenders on their tombs, Katara seems to understand the meaning of what they've been told the whole time for getting through the cave system - Love is brightest in the dark. Katara snuffs out their last torch and luminescent crystals appear, leading them to the exit of the labyrinth. Classic Hero's Journey stuff. The same path is mirrored in the Tarot. After the Tower, arguably the most troubled point in the Major Arcana, comes the Star, to lead the recipient through the rubble and darkness. Some consider The Tower to be a negative card but it serves to remind us chaos - in some cases - is often needed to discover what isn't working. What isn't stable. What doesn't rest well with our hearts. And it forces us to face our fears head on.

As I've mentioned, I've been studying astrology pretty aggressively for the past year or so. There's been a lot of debate on if it's "real" or not. However, there's also the idea that our changed perception of the Universe in itself alters the Universe that we see. Essentially, if you engage with the Universe, it will engage back. If you believe the Universe can talk to you, it will. Those who aren't open, those who refuse to believe, will never accept the proof, no matter how much of it they are presented. I was bored yesterday, so I decided to watch a TED Talk- Do you see the signs of the Universe? by Ulla Suokko - that took place at Tedx - Big Sky in January 2019. I had seen it in my recommendations many times and I was interested in it enough to bookmark it for later but hadn't gotten around to it. The talk can be distilled down to our inner narrative and limiting stories can shape how we perceive the Universe and this reflects in the "signs" we see.

You might have guessed but I'm the type of person who sees "signs." In fact, "Signs" is my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie (feel free to judge me). I'm a big fan of the aliens - not the aliens in the movie, obviously (cuz they were fucking assholes) but THE aliens and the idea of aliens in general. Have been since I was a little girl. Kind of always felt like I was one. Which leads me to some of the signs I've been getting lately. First, I can't remember who tweeted it or what the quote was from, but there was a tweet on my timeline that said "The people who are called are not the same as the people who are curious." And I was like - *whoosh* - that message was definitely for me. That's the thing - when a message is for you, you'll know. It's an undeniable feeling. Back to the quote - it's never been hard for me to find people who are interested in some of these topics - who are curious about witchcraft and the occult or they like the goth "aesthetic" but have never delved further into the genre than wearing black clothes and skull jewelry. They enjoy watching horror and/or paranormal movies/TV shows but they don't think about them cerebrally, in the context of wider culture. They're not deep about it - and that's okay. That's who they are. But I've rarely found people who were truly called to magic - at least, not in real life. I've only encountered a few in my life, which is why I'm incredibly grateful for the growing Internet spiritual community.

Fast forward to my daily constitutionals last week, when I listened to a Cosmic Keys podcast featuring Gordon White. Dan and Scarlett were talking about how they bonded over listening to Rune Soup, which White had originally named "Find the Others." That phrase, again, struck me. Find the Others. And Dan said that is how he met Scarlett - she was his first attempt to find the others. And he found her and now they have this podcast, which connects even more people in the occult community. I feel that. I feel like I am being called to find the others. Furthermore, I think we're coming upon an era in which it's going to be especially important to know who the "others" are. And maybe you are, too. If you've stumbled upon this blog, consider this your sign.

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

I'm not going to speak on the astrology of current events. It undermines the historical significance of what's happening. This is bigger than a few harsh transits and aspects. However, I can feel we're heading into some real darkness. If you find a star, keep following it for as long as you can.

I've included the original Leonard Cohen version (because he was brilliant and everyone should be acquainted with his music) and the Rufus Wainwright version, which you may be familiar with because it was featured in "Shrek." I included it because I love his interpretation. I think hearing the lyrics in a tenor voice, in this case, imbues it with more passion and melancholy.

Leonard Cohen Version

Rufus Wainwright Version