"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (as performed by Rufus Wainwright)

I chose this song for today because - to me - it speaks of deep surrender. A few months ago, I think I described myself as been "in the wilderness." It's much farther than that. These last couple of months have been slow and have left a lot of time to reflect. I opened my eyes and realized my life has descended into chaos. And I've been here for a long time. For my astrological research, I took the opportunity to look back at a journal I kept in 2012. Funnily enough, I kept it to document the last year before the projected end of the world - 21 December 2012. All this shit we're experiencing now in 2020, I fully expected to see eight years ago. Plenty of journal entries expressed disappointment at such a lackluster apocalypse. It was painful to read those entries because they were written by a vapid, shallow, silly little girl. And I'm grateful to know that because sometimes, it doesn't feel like I've grown at all. But I have. I'm not that naive, delusional girl anymore but I'm disappointed to find the circumstances she was dealing with nearly a decade go have an unpleasantly familiar flavor. All I want is to get off this wheel so how do I break it?

Now, I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

In the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time reading the numerous spiritual books I own and rediscovering who I am. Remembering the things I love and reminding myself of the things I want. And I've spent a lot of time praying, especially in the past week. It's difficult, because I haven't been very clear on what I want in the past. And some of the things I'm certain I want seem impossibly out of reach. The Husband has seen me cry more in the past 5 months than he has in the entire 15 years we've been together - and that's not an exaggeration. I hide sadness as a necessity, because it makes others more comfortable. It's as natural to me as breathing. This and other strong walls inside me are breaking and the only thing I can do is accept it with grace and compassion. To let my heart be soft and quiet, in the face of so much chaos. It has become necessary in order for me to take the next steps in my journey.

A thought occurred to me - has been occurring to me for a long time. I have to extinguish the flame of hope and allow faith to lead the way. Do the hard thing, the thing you've been avoiding for so long, because it's for the best. It might not be what I want but this is how it has to be right now. Let it be. This thought reminded me of an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender," which I rewatched recently, because I was getting a lot of signs to do so. There's this episode where Aang learns the Legend of the Two Lovers, the first Earthbenders. He and Katara are separated from the rest of the group in a dark cave and after reading the story of the Earthbenders on their tombs, Katara seems to understand the meaning of what they've been told the whole time for getting through the cave system - Love is brightest in the dark. Katara snuffs out their last torch and luminescent crystals appear, leading them to the exit of the labyrinth. Classic Hero's Journey stuff. The same path is mirrored in the Tarot. After the Tower, arguably the most troubled point in the Major Arcana, comes the Star, to lead the recipient through the rubble and darkness. Some consider The Tower to be a negative card but it serves to remind us chaos - in some cases - is often needed to discover what isn't working. What isn't stable. What doesn't rest well with our hearts. And it forces us to face our fears head on.

As I've mentioned, I've been studying astrology pretty aggressively for the past year or so. There's been a lot of debate on if it's "real" or not. However, there's also the idea that our changed perception of the Universe in itself alters the Universe that we see. Essentially, if you engage with the Universe, it will engage back. If you believe the Universe can talk to you, it will. Those who aren't open, those who refuse to believe, will never accept the proof, no matter how much of it they are presented. I was bored yesterday, so I decided to watch a TED Talk- Do you see the signs of the Universe? by Ulla Suokko - that took place at Tedx - Big Sky in January 2019. I had seen it in my recommendations many times and I was interested in it enough to bookmark it for later but hadn't gotten around to it. The talk can be distilled down to our inner narrative and limiting stories can shape how we perceive the Universe and this reflects in the "signs" we see.

You might have guessed but I'm the type of person who sees "signs." In fact, "Signs" is my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie (feel free to judge me). I'm a big fan of the aliens - not the aliens in the movie, obviously (cuz they were fucking assholes) but THE aliens and the idea of aliens in general. Have been since I was a little girl. Kind of always felt like I was one. Which leads me to some of the signs I've been getting lately. First, I can't remember who tweeted it or what the quote was from, but there was a tweet on my timeline that said "The people who are called are not the same as the people who are curious." And I was like - *whoosh* - that message was definitely for me. That's the thing - when a message is for you, you'll know. It's an undeniable feeling. Back to the quote - it's never been hard for me to find people who are interested in some of these topics - who are curious about witchcraft and the occult or they like the goth "aesthetic" but have never delved further into the genre than wearing black clothes and skull jewelry. They enjoy watching horror and/or paranormal movies/TV shows but they don't think about them cerebrally, in the context of wider culture. They're not deep about it - and that's okay. That's who they are. But I've rarely found people who were truly called to magic - at least, not in real life. I've only encountered a few in my life, which is why I'm incredibly grateful for the growing Internet spiritual community.

Fast forward to my daily constitutionals last week, when I listened to a Cosmic Keys podcast featuring Gordon White. Dan and Scarlett were talking about how they bonded over listening to Rune Soup, which White had originally named "Find the Others." That phrase, again, struck me. Find the Others. And Dan said that is how he met Scarlett - she was his first attempt to find the others. And he found her and now they have this podcast, which connects even more people in the occult community. I feel that. I feel like I am being called to find the others. Furthermore, I think we're coming upon an era in which it's going to be especially important to know who the "others" are. And maybe you are, too. If you've stumbled upon this blog, consider this your sign.

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

I'm not going to speak on the astrology of current events. It undermines the historical significance of what's happening. This is bigger than a few harsh transits and aspects. However, I can feel we're heading into some real darkness. If you find a star, keep following it for as long as you can.

I've included the original Leonard Cohen version (because he was brilliant and everyone should be acquainted with his music) and the Rufus Wainwright version, which you may be familiar with because it was featured in "Shrek." I included it because I love his interpretation. I think hearing the lyrics in a tenor voice, in this case, imbues it with more passion and melancholy.

Leonard Cohen Version

Rufus Wainwright Version

"Where is My Mind?" by The Pixies

As Mercury Retrograde slipped back into Cancer yesterday, I woke up with a song in my head. Not just any song. Honestly, just a specific voice. A voice from my past. I tried to fight it but I gave into nostalgia and watched the YouTube video it came from and, as my punishment, I was haunted by it all day. No matter how I tried to distract myself, no matter how many other songs I listened to, no matter how many people I talked to, the song came back. It carried on until a little bit ago when, during my mantra meditation, it was replaced by this song. And I let it go. Sometimes, there's a reason why the past should stay in the past - you just have to remind yourself. That's the lesson of Mercury Retrograde.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

In spiritual circles, they talk a lot about surrender, which is a difficult concept to explain. Every time I think I understand - when I think I've actually felt like I've surrendered - I hit a patch of resistance that drives me to darkness. But when I get through it, there's an even deeper level to surrender to. It feels like a slow state of becoming. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm no longer interested in being someone I'm not. I'm not worried about what people think of me. I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to do because I'm supposed to. I'm trying to listen to that tiny voice that helps me decipher what I actually want. For example, I was browsing Twitter and someone was talking about a writer's retreat that they went on recently. And I thought, "Wow. I really want to do a writer's retreat one day." "Why don't you?" the tiny voice asked. "Oh, I haven't written anything worthy of disappearing for two weeks to work on. And now isn't a good time." "Some day will be, so you better keep working."

Liz Gilbert talks about this in "Eat, Pray, Love" - about how the tiny voice will tell you that you want things that seem silly and out of character. But out of character for who? That's when you realize you get to choose the person you want to be. I want to be a person who meditates and does yoga. Done! I want to be a practicing witch. Done! I want to live more sustainably. Great! I want to read these kind of books. Well, read them! I want to be fluent in French, Italian, and Icelandic. That sounds like a lot but have at it! It's not that complicated, but we make it out to be and then we make fun of people who are actually living their lives authentically. That's not who I want to be. I also don't want to be the person who is too afraid to follow where their heart takes them because they cling to a rigid of idea of who they're supposed to be. Yes, I did just reference the previous Song du Jour in this post. I've awarded myself double points.

There's this quote from "The Alchemist" that comes to mind when I get these feelings where I want something that's seemingly impossible at the moment. "When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you." By help, Paulo Coelho says that it shows you signs or gives you opportunities that bring you closer to your dreams. No matter what you do, everything brings you closer. And if you're seeing signs, that's what it's meant to do - to remind you of your destiny and gently bring you back to where you need to be. Or to let you know that you're on the right path. Sometimes, the signs can be overwhelming, especially when you've told yourself repeatedly that you're not supposed to want what you want. Eventually, your only choice is to surrender - accept that the signs are there and they are, in fact, bringing your mind back to this impossible, unreasonable desire. Fighting it is resistance, allowing it is surrender. As long as you're paying attention, the only thing you need to do is allow it and keep working your way forward, as usual.

A few notes on the song. It's from the Pixies' iconic album, "Surfer Rosa." One of the first vinyls I bought. My best friend in college, Ana, had the album cover (which is the above picture) on her wall in her room. And I always wondered what her parents thought. The answer is "Who cares? That image is amazing." The singer said the song was inspired by a scuba diving session he went on. I've interpreted it as you have to control your thoughts or they'll control you. It's fitting that this song plays at the end of "Fight Club," as Jack and Marla watch the buildings collapse in front of them. Throughout the whole movie, he's let his shadow run amok and the sanest moment for him in the whole movie is watching his world crumble around him. "You met me at a very strange time in my life."

"Where is My Mind?" Video