Double Feature: Machine Gun Kelly

Last Thursday, I was feeling kind of low on the drive into work. I could hardly focus on the Nightlight Astrology podcast I was listening to. Personal troubles were on my mind. I could hear Acuyta Bhava-Das talking about Mars conjunct Mercury in Pisces, relating it to this idea of not forcing things. When my heart is sunken like this, it is my habit of turning to the Universe for guidance. And, yes, much like the crazy person I am, I asked the Universe what I needed to know and what I needed to do. At this point, Acuyta is explaining about moving forward with grace and how, when we feel strongly about something, when we believe in something with our whole heart, some people may lose sight of the need for grace and compassion in favor of convincing others of their position. I'm no stranger to this - with my Mercury in Cancer opposite Neptune in Capricorn, my talent with words can often be combined with an almost preternatural gift of pinpointing another's weakness and fears. Mostly to hide how easily they could destroy me, if they wanted. My bark is worse than my bite, and I don't bark often anymore. And I feel defenseless. We'll circle back around to that idea but, first, my conversation with the mysterious sky spirits who live in my car. Specifically the radio, because many of my messages come in the form of music. And when I disconnected my phone, the song on the radio was Rihanna's "Love on the Brain."

You may notice this post is not about Rihanna. Don't get me wrong - her original version of "Love on the Brain" is a masterpiece and beautiful in its own right. But this is one of those rare occasions where I love the cover more. In fact, I love the cover so much that I wish he had done an actual recording of the whole song, not just a snippet for YouTube. During COVID lockdowns, to keep busy, MGK would call up his various celebrity/musician friends and ask them for a song request for him to cover. "Love on the Brain," inexplicably, was Marilyn Manson's suggestion. And the world is better for it.

There are few songs that express the pain of loving someone as exquisitely as "Love on the Brain." The best part of the song is that it is raw. The singer - whether it be Rihanna or MGK - is defenseless. It's important to note where each of the singers were when they either wrote or recorded this song. Rihanna was in a seriously abusive relationship with Chris Brown and in April 2020, MGK was falling in love (or was already in love) with someone who was still married (Megan Fox). In general, though, the song speaks to any type of situationship, where someone has fallen deep and the other person uses them (for sex, attention, to play a role in their life, favors, as a convenient punching bag) because they can. It's cruel. I read somewhere - probably in a pithy Instagram post - that the person who loves less has the power. I think this song is a testament to that, in some ways. Both Rihanna and MGK have strong Pisces placements and Pisces is associated with self-sacrifice and this idea that one would rather suffer if it means their loved ones would be happy. In the song, it's clear that the singer will take whatever the object of their affection is willing to give, even if it's only breadcrumbs.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

Love, if you ask the cynics, is just a complex cocktail of hormones and emotions, mostly driven by your own special psychological tragic backstory. I watched a TED talk once about a woman's experience trying to get over her ex. She went to a neuroscientist and they did scans of her brain. They showed her the parts of her brain that lit up when she thought of her ex and they said "we can get rid of this for you." But why? Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yourself? Did you even watch that movie?!!! The whole point of the movie is that, even though it's painful, that part is worth keeping. That love is worth keeping, even if it has ended, even if it tears you apart inside. Because most people don't really ever get the chance feel that deeply about anything. Maybe that's my Scorpio Moon talking.

The next song I want to talk about is the song MGK performed at the Billboard Music Awards a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful selection from his most recent album, "mainstream sellout," which was released this past March - a song aptly named, "twin flame." The whole Twin Flame thing has really grown in the past few years, especially in the spiritual community (you can't really avoid it now whereas you never heard of it before 2019). We can go into all the reasons it's problematic, chief among them is that it's a favorite lovebombing tactic of narcissists and other psychological abusers to tell someone that they're their "soulmate/twin flame" and, unconsciously, the victim/survivor accepts bad behavior out of some corrupted idea of this person being their one and only love. Nope, not going into that, because it makes me really sad and I love the romance between MGK and Megan Fox. It's beautiful and it's real and gives me faith that real love exists, so if they want to believe they're twin flames - fuck it! - they're twin flames. 

MGK wrote this song back before they truly started dating - around the same time he did the "Love on the Brain" cover I ranted about above - and you can tell he still feels this strongly (perhaps even more so) about her two years later. That's how I know it's real. They've both had a lot of time to get to know each other's authentic selves and, instead of being disappointed and let down, they seem even more in love. They don't fight - I'm sure they have disagreements but not relationship rupturing screaming matches. They both are publicly very supportive of each other's careers. Neither of them act jealous or possessive and when situations like that come up, they reaffirm their commitment to the other. MGK famously told a fan (who asked him to suck her toes) that "there's only one set of toes I'm sucking from now on." And you kind of get a taste of the depth of how much MGK loves Megan in the "twin flame" lyrics. 

Some context - Megan Fox was separated from her current husband (Brian Austin Green) when she met MGK. Now, they say their divorce was amicable - and it was, for the most part - but divorce is never pleasant. Green continually asserted that he still loved Megan and often used their children publicly to subtly manipulate her into feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. Something I'm sure MGK noticed because, when someone you love is hurting, how can you ignore it? Long story short, MGK and Megan's relationship started off as "It's Complicated." So that's what's encapsulated in the lyrics - a mix of emotions resulting from being in love with someone you can't quite be with (yet).

It's been six days since the last time

I saw your face and you asked my sign

I told you mine, I questioned why

And you said, "Everything's aligned"

On the first day, you told me

I was your twin flame from a past life

And tonight, the moon is full

So take me anywhere outside

I cannot kiss you yet, you're magic

So I'll just stare at you instead

I get insecure and panic

'Cause I know you're too pure for this

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? The song starts when Megan and MGK first met and it's been a few days since he's spent time with her. Megan is interested in spiritual topics (yes, she is the one that declared them to be "twin flames"), one of which being astrology. Now, I don't think she's a total student of astrology to the point where she'd take a 38-week class (like yours truly) but she probably knows enough to be dangerous. I think she probably asked for more than his sign, she probably asked him for his full birth data so she could pull up his chart. And, because he was truly head over heels, he probably hunted down his birth time so he could give it to her. So Astro-Girls, if he asks his mom what time he was born just so you can look up his moons or some shit, he's probably really into you....because most men don't do that for anyone (male astrologers are the exception, not the rule). They usually roll their eyes and act like astrology is weird or stupid. But if he's really interested, he'll want to know as much as he can just so he has a reason to talk to you, which clearly happened with MGK. 

Then there's the chorus. He clearly struggling to believe this is real, that he deserves to be in love and to have a good, healthy relationship with that person. Psychologists say that the most difficult relationship for a lot of people (especially those with traumatic or emotionally neglectful childhoods) is your first healthy one. It's counterintuitive. But a lot of people have been programmed to believe that abuse is love. And when someone shows up who loves them without abuse, they don't trust it. It seems either boring or really scary, and it brings up all sorts of triggers around self-worth. They often think they don't deserve real love, that there's something inherently unlovable and bad about themselves. Or they think it's an elaborate trick - that the other person is lying to them and pretending to love them. Eventually, they believe the other person will stop loving them - will betray them, leave them, hurt them - and they'll be alone. Again. The problem is that this sort of mindset is exactly what ends the healthy relationship. It's hard to love a brick wall, no matter how patient, kind, and loving a person is.

Clearly, MGK got his shit together and things worked out for him and Megan. And I'm here for it. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm sharing the Billboard Music Awards performance but the album version is equally impactful. He shares a snippet from one of his and Megan's phone calls, where he's being vulnerable about how he feels and she tells him she loves him. It's sweet and very personal.

Back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity): I've been really going through it this Mercury Retrograde and Eclipse Season. It's left me feeling stupid, naïve, and drained. The shooting in Uvalde hit a little too close to home and I find myself both in deep grief and wholly enraged. And powerless, let's not forget that. I often use astrology as a meaning making system - we all need one. It helps, when I get frustrated with praying. I've been thinking about the transits to my chart lately. Saturn in going through the 9H and Uranus is wrecking up the 12H. Both Houses have connections to spirituality and deeply held beliefs. The 9H is what you believe on the surface, the 12H is the subconscious. And both are going through a major overhaul, it seems, and what I feel is an intense internal struggle. On the surface, I believe that, no matter what, you keep pushing, you keep working, and eventually, things will happen. All the power I need is within myself - this is a very Jupiter in Aries stance. I am the god of my reality. But underneath, I look around and I feel powerless to change things, even things I'm actively trying to change. It's a crisis of Faith. And I'm barely holding on sometimes but the only thing one can do to get through times like these is to put one foot in front of the other. It may not be much but the other option - standing still, staying stuck - has never appealed to me.

"The Last Time" by Taylor Swift feat. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol (Taylor's Version)

I haven't posted on this blog in over a year. Truth be told, 2021 was an emotional rollercoaster. Worse than 2020? Yes, in some ways. I have been writing, just not here. But I feel like it's time to return to my safe place for screaming into the void. No intentions, no promises, just writing about the music I love and the thoughts, feelings, and visions it elicits when I hear it. I'm in a completely different place than where I was a year ago, both physically and psychologically. I'm in the midst of creating something new, using the bits and pieces I have left to work with. Something beautiful and better.

I'm finally getting around to reading the 33 1/3 book I bought, "How to Write About Music." After a quick browse and reading through the introduction, the gist is - maybe there's no wrong way to write about music? Some of the excerpts included are powerful and thought-provoking, written by people who have actually studied music in a formal setting. And some of them are honest thoughts about pieces that made the author feel something they couldn't quite describe but they tried anyway. One of the pieces featured is literally someone going through a Taylor Swift album and writing a few sentences of how each song made them feel. Seeing as how that is what this blog is quickly devolving into, it resonated on a deep level. Regardless, I think I'll return to writing about how the song I write about make me feel, the messages they tell me, the ideas and visions they lead me to, and the lessons they teach me. 

"The Last Time" has become one of my favorite T-Swift songs in the last few months. Since she released "Red (Taylor's Version)," which was a revelation, to say the least. The 10-minute version of "All Too Well" alone is a masterpiece that I could dissect line by line....but I'll save that for another day. I cannot convey exactly the feeling "The Last Time" elicits in me without saying it is both one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard as well as one of the saddest. I've mentioned before my obsession with Doomed Romances. And while no one dies in this song, there is a futile cycle that only kills the two lovers the longer it goes on. I've always been gripped by this idea of two people who are so obviously meant to be together but can't make it work. For whatever reason, they can't get past whatever obstacles are keeping them apart - they won't do the inner work, they can't cross the distance, they won't compromise. It's the right person, wrong time. Or whatever. Even so, they can't help returning to each other. And every time they part, it's like they're dying over and over and over. And, finally, one of them decides this can't go on. This is the last time. The last time they'll let the other into their heart, because she deserves someone who will stay.

You wear your best apology

But I was there to watch you leave

This lyric is devastating. They say people with deep, unhealed abandonment wounds often choose people who will ultimately abandon them - or, ironically, abandon the person they love the most. That's the story here. Taylor's character is asking that heartbreaking question - if you love me so much, why do you keep leaving? And why do I keep letting you back in? I don't know. The heart is a complicated beast. I think love often makes us think someone is perfect - everything you ever wanted, everything you ever dreamed of - to the point where we're willing to overlook glaring problems. Like being used. Being ignored. Being controlled. Being manipulated. Eventually the high wears off, though, and you're left alone in your most vulnerable moments. And, conveniently, they are never there to see the pain they've caused. I was there to watch you leave.

The bridge is what always breaks my heart. It sounds so hopeful, but you start to get the feeling that this isn't a real conversation. Oh no. It's what she wants to hear from him when she stands up for herself and asks for what she wants. And I think we've all been there - there's certain things we want to hear from someone after an argument, after a fissure like this. And it's beyond disappointing when the words never come.

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong

This is the last time I say it's been you all along

This is the last time I let you in my door

This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

This song is about setting a boundary. Taylor is saying don't come back unless you intend to stay, and stay in a way that honors the spirit of what we have between us. You can't be half in, half out. Eventually, though, it has to be the last time. It's a matter of pride - a matter of worth - and she ran herself ragged trying to make it work on his terms for so long. She does her inner work, thinking that maybe if she can fix herself, he'll come back. Or, at least, she can move on. But does she want to? She knows she will probably find someone who can meet her halfway, but part of her doesn't want just anyone. Her heart wants him...but he's gone. She leaves the door open, though. She's thought about blocking him hundreds of times times but can't bring herself to do. She waits and hopes. But then it's been 7 months since she's heard his voice, 5 months since his last text. And she should probably stop counting. Hope dies a slow, painful death. 

Find myself at your door

Just like all those times before

I'm not sure how I got there

All roads, they lead me here

I imagine you are home

In your room, all alone

And you open your eyes into mine

And everything feels better

If we look at the first verse, I don't think this is a conversation that's actually happening at all. It's a back and forth that's happening in both their heads. He wants to come back - every part of him aches for her - but he won't. He knows she doesn't deserve everything he's put her through - the tears, the heartbreak. It's a boundary for him, too. Instead, he imagines coming back, imagines how much better he would feel if he could be that guy. That guy who doesn't always hurt her. And his mind will keep coming back to her, time after time, reopening the wound. He'll suffer through the aching for his whole life, if necessary, because the look on her face as he drove away the last time nearly killed him.

I'm not cynical. I want so badly for this song to have a happy ending. So badly, I can feel it in my bones. I must confess, I have an enduring - almost childish - belief in True Love. My 7th House - the House of Partnerships - is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of fortune, beliefs, and philosophy. Remember a few posts ago when I said the House ruled by Sagittarius is where you're on a quest. Well, I believe I'm on a quest for True Love - not my own, necessarily (everyone is looking for that and, truth be told, it's a bit mundane), but in its existence, meaning, and purpose in our lives. As is the nature of Sagittarius, I believe it's a winding road, full of twists, turns, and unforeseen obstacles. I think straight paths are misleading - not that it can't happen, but I don't think it's most common for the road to be Boy/Girl Meets Girl/Boy, They Fall in Love, Get Married, and Live Happily Ever After. No....more often, I think its Boy/Girl Meets Girl/Boy, They Fall in Love, and then Life Gets in the Way. But I also have faith that if two people are truly meant to be together, the Universe will conspire to bring them back together. Eventually. It's the "eventually" part that people struggle with.

Have you ever heard someone say "the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person"? Well, I'm here to tell you that's bullshit. If you can meet the wrong person at the right time (and, judging by the divorce statistics, this is the case more often than not), it logically follows that the reverse is true.  But if they are the right person, their heart will wait for you even if they try to move on (and vice versa). I'm fascinated by Love at First Sight stories where someone sees a person on the train and they hesitate to make a move - they doubt the intuition that is pulling them forward - and suddenly, that person is gone forever. Then 50 years later on, they still remember that moment in vivid detail and it's their biggest regret. These people have often married, had kids, lived their life - they don't usually regret those parts - but they know they missed out on something real, something that is rare and wonderful. And they still think about that person, that stranger, often - more often than is logical. Even more amazing are the stories where they meet the person from the train 10 years later - and that's when their romance starts. And that's what I mean when I say it's a winding road.

I often find myself thinking about this lyric from "Wreck of the Day":  I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. My hope, my gamble, is that if it's True Love, you won't have to cheat Destiny to be together. Instead, Destiny will draw you together - even if you're putting in your best effort to stay apart. You don't have to forsake your own path to have the relationship you want with someone. I want to believe that if two people are meant to be together, time and space won't make a difference - the right person will always be the right person, no matter how long it has been since you last saw each other. 

As you may have guessed, this song elicits a lot of stories in my head. It's one of my favorite songs to pole dance. Pole dance? I told you - I've been on a journey in the past year. To this song? Unconventional, I know. It's slow but there's moments when the music sweeps you up in waves, which allows for powerful, dramatic movements. To illustrate the story, I imagine it's a duet. As you may have guessed, I'm obsessed with duets, in music, dance, burlesque performance, or otherwise. With a pole duet, you have the ability to make pretty, more complex shapes with your bodies. A story idea also came to mind when I heard this song - a man does come back, but it's too late in the worst way possible. I'll give you a hint - the girl hasn't moved on but there are circumstances that make their road together more perilous and difficult. More difficult than if he'd been able to express his feelings properly the first time. And it pulls both of them into an unseen world beneath the surface of ordinary reality.

I first fell in love with the live performance so that's what you're going to get. Jupiter enters Aries today, so my Jupiter Return has technically begun.

"The Last Time" Video