"Moderation" by Florence + the Machine

Trying to fit in one more Song du Jour in before September. I was feeling this song today and, truth be told, I hadn't even heard it before today. I'd only seen a short bit of the lyrics from Florence's Instagram but it had struck a chord. As per my sister, seeing Florence in concert was amazing and easily the best concert she's ever been to. I believe her - and I've been to some great concerts. I saw Cher on her first farewell tour! And, of course, seeing Elton John live is transcendent. But Florence Welch has a way of singing the words in my soul that strips me bare. And I've seen the footage from her tour - her performance is like a ritual. She's raising magic as she sings and you can tell every person there is so high with it. So much energy! I love every song she's ever written, because it's always brilliant and heartachingly beautiful. Which is why I can read the lyrics and instantly know that it's going to be one of my favorites. I've decided the next time she comes through Texas (if ever again), I'm going to go, even if I have to go alone.

I've never made it with moderation

No, I've never understood

All the feeling was all or nothing

And I took everything I could

Can't hold it back, I can't take the tension

Oh, I'm trying to be good

Want me to love you in moderation

Well don't you know, I wish I could

"Moderation" is about feeling tired of holding yourself back to make others comfortable. Especially in love. I don't know why but it got me thinking about Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind." She spends the majority of the movie chasing after this guy named Ashley Wilkes. Lord only knows why. Sure, Ashley is handsome, wealthy, and a perfect Southern gentleman.....but he's milquetoast. And that's fine - especially since he chooses to marry Melanie Hamilton, who is incredibly kind and very beautiful (she's played by Olivia de Havilland, for chrissakes) but also probably just as boring as he is. And Scarlett, who is ravishing and fiery and hella smart, just can't understand it. Just can't understand what she's doing wrong. Throughout the movie, Ashley struggles with his love and attraction to Scarlett. He understands why he married Melanie - they have more in common and she is a good wife. Not that Scarlett wouldn't have been a good wife - on the contrary, I think she would've loved him more fiercely than he could handle. And that's the thing....some people just can't handle the intensity. There's two ways you can react to that - you make yourself smaller to make others more comfortable or you move on to someone who loves how extra you are. I think you know you know which one I'm more in favor of, but that's because I feel that one of them slowly kills your soul until you're only a shell of who you used to be. Rhett Butler understood that about Scarlett the instant he met her. Scarlett is the definition of extra - incredibly flirtatious, attention-loving, and sensual to a fault. That would've been exhausting to Ashley, who might've always lived his life trying to tame his wild wife. However, Rhett couldn't look away and her vivaciousness made him feel alive. He was content to let her be a star.

And that's my rant on Scarlett O'Hara. My dad says I'm a lot like her, because I get really fiery when I get worked up about things. And I get worked up about so many things. I'm naturally a passionate person but I don't think that comes through, because I survived for so long pretending I was invisible, even though I desperately wanted to be seen. I know from experience that it's soul-killing. Another similarity Scarlett and I have is best summed up in the following quote: "No, I don't think I will kiss you — although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how." It's true. I need a lot of physical affection. It helps me come back to neutral and helps me feel safe/secure. Yes, it's a product of my childhood - my sister and I were discussing this last week, because she's the same way. And I know I should be ashamed because that makes me "needy" but - fuck it - that's what I need. If you're the same, the right person will be eager to meet you where you live. They won't force you to "love in moderation."

If you can believe it, I really did mean for this to be just a short song o' the day post. Must've got into the zone. Oh well - Enjoy!

"Moderation" Video

"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

This song was a favorite for me and my best friend to sing at Double Dave's for karaoke. Usually, I'd choose a really depressing Jewel song to sing (because I sing them so well - she's one of the artists that taught me how to sing via osmosis), but this was the exception. This song came out in 1997, and as you may be able to tell, it was among the various versions of Girl Power that has shaped Millennial feminism. And I'm no exception. I am what I am, I want what I want, and if you can't accept that, you can go fuck off. That's the tagline for basically all the brilliant albums by female artists that came out in the 90s. Also, Rae always liked to tease me about my crush on a fellow actor, Rob, and his inability to project his voice in the theatre unless he was cursing. Bitch was one of the words he said particularly clearly. "Four whores and seven beers ago, some women called me father...." That's a line he had in a variety show my drama club put on and it's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in an amateur production. Being that hilarious in my writing while addressing difficult subjects is what I aspire to.

I'm told I'm a "sweetheart." Mostly. I look mean but then when people get to know me, they learn how friendly and caring I can be. I will literally do anything for the people that I care about. Some examples - jump off walls, drive hundreds of miles just to visit for a couple days, change all my carefully laid plans on a moment's notice to help them out. Anything. But that doesn't mean I can't be a bitch - it just takes a lot. Usually, the bitch only comes out when I'm feeling threatened or when my tolerance for bullshit has hit an all time low (and that's really, really fucking hard to do). To some, it can come as a surprise. I'm the nicest person in the world...until I'm not. For some reason, people don't think I'm going to stand up for myself when they cross the line but - sooner or later - I always do. Because someone has to. I'm an incredibly flawed individual and painfully self-aware, and I'm working on it. But I'm the only one who knows where I've been and where I'm going.

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

It occurred to me today that there are people who already think I'm a bitch, because they don't know me very well. Mostly, people who are supposed to be my "colleagues," in theory. Ironically, they think I'm a bitch because I speak up. And I don't put up with their bullshit, like my boss does. That's okay, though, because I literally don't care anymore. My gift has always been my voice. That's why I sing and write. And why (I hope) when I say something, most people shut up and listen. And I realized that people treat me like a doormat because I don't say anything. Until I get fed up, then everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy. Fuck that noise.

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm thinking back on my trip to Boston and considering some moments that stand out, all of which happened during a drunken haze. Weirdly enough, I actually remember all the stupid stuff I do while I'm drunk. I have a theory that it's a superpower that all writers have. Back to those moments:

1. Some girl who bumped into me on accident called me the "most adorable human ever." Accurate.
2. Another (extremely drunk) young lady said I was "a true friend" because I held the door closed while she was going to the bathroom. The lock on the stall was broken and girls had been doing that for each other all night, so I just thought I was being courteous. There's a special kind of solidarity between drunk girls in a loud dance club....one that I kind of missed, to be honest. 
3. I was dancing with my sister's friend (who was kind enough to watch after me when my sister disappeared for like 30 minutes) and he asked me when was the last time I felt "this free." I replied that it had been over a decade. It was only the morning after I realized that I'd lied. I had felt that free more recently than that. I just forgot about it for a moment. I can be that free again, if I want. And I don't need to be five beers deep to feel it. 

Everything feels like a lesson nowadays. And even the light moments, like the ones mentioned, feel heavier as I get older. I was considering a quote by Friedrich Nietzche this morning - "And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally." Which sucks. You can't un-know what you know and it truly is a bitch. But I ask you - who would ever want to go back to sleep?

"Bitch" Video

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

I went through a very heavy Liz Phair phase when I was in my teens. I think every girl who loves music does at some point, because Liz Phair is absolutely brilliant. "Extraordinary" came off her self-titled album, which came out in 2003. Perfect song for an awkward semi-goth/nerdy girl who felt like she wasn't very pretty and that the boys didn't notice her. Turns out that wasn't true, I'm just not approachable....and I kind of like it that way. Weeds out the weak ones, you know? I'm also a bit oblivious when I'm being hit on. Just remembered that this past weekend along with other things I'd forgotten about myself - I'm not good at small talk and prefer to just jump into the deep stuff; I enjoy being the lone digger and when I stop being self-conscious, I'm a fairly good dancer; I want every single day to be an adventure, even if it just means getting lost in a strange city sipping a latte; and I really, really love my older sister.

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

But I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary

If you'd ever get to know me

"Extraordinary" is about rejection and how we shouldn't take it that seriously because - the majority of the time - it's not really about us. Someone I know recently went through a break up and, afterwards, she felt so low. Literally, the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know in my life and someone had the fucking nerve to break up with her. Well, past the initial painful level, I think she realized it wasn't working for her either. He wanted her to morph into a completely different person to satisfy his needs but, in the end, one of two things happens - either she doesn't and he becomes resentful of her or she does and then loses herself in the process (and possibly sacrifices all the things that made her attractive to him in the first place). That's not a happy ending for either of them. I know rejection sucks but if you find yourself changing who you are and sacrificing your needs to please someone ("trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"), that relationship is basically doomed. Even though he sounds like an asshole, I kind of think he did them both a favor. And I know she'll be alright because she's amazing and, to quote her, she "could have any guy she wanted" (as egotistical as that sounds, it's absolutely true - if you knew her, you'd agree).

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

Another thing I'd like to mention is that it's not a matter of trying harder, sometimes. The aforementioned friend was trying her hardest to meet his needs while maintaining her own identity and independence. And she loves so hard. But it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they can not or choose not to feel it. Some people truly are emotionally unavailable and get scared when they actually feel love because, due to all the previous trauma and rejection in their lives, it feels foreign. It feels overwhelming, like it's too much. It's important to remember that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you've been rejected. There's nothing wrong with the other person either. For whatever reason, at that point in time, it just didn't fit. You're not ugly or stupid or bad at sex - something just didn't fit and eventually, someone was going to become self-aware enough to admit it. That's okay. Something else will fit one day and it will be even better than you had imagined.

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?

Who the hell are you?

Rejection hurts, though. It's one of our core wounds for a reason, so how do we get over it? First, remember that first and foremost, it means you tried. You took that leap of faith and - even though you got burned - at least you took it. You saw something you wanted and you went after it. That makes you brave - a lot braver than most people. Second, remember that you are fucking awesome, because I'm absolutely certain you are. Once you remember you're awesome, go out and continue being awesome. Cry if you need to, but then....Go dancing with your friends, immerse yourself in your obscure hobbies, buy yourself a Diane von Furstenburg dress (on consignment, of course - don't go too crazy!), read all those books you were planning to read anyway, and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy - one person is not going to change that. You are still just as lovable and amazing as you always were. And you don't need to go chasing after someone who doesn't think you're good enough. Because you are.

Pulled out some of my favorite lyrics from this song - the first verse and the bridge. I love the first verse because it calls out those witchy rituals all girls do, especially when they have a crush. I guarantee you, most of the witches I know discovered witchcraft because they were trying to get a (generally unspectacular) boy to notice them. The bridge is awesome because that's exactly where you want to be in the grieving process after a break up. When you finally remove whoever it is from the pedestal you built up for them in your mind. When you realize you deserve something that works for everyone involved, including you.

"Extraordinary" Video

"Lover" by Taylor Swift

Today will be a quick song of the day, since I'm out of town and haven't had much free time. I've tried to keep my Taylor rants to a minimum but I'm going to take a brief detour from this month's theme to share T-Swift's latest song. Mostly because it's the first one I really liked off the new album, which comes out this Friday. Don't get me wrong..."ME!" and "You Need to Calm Down" were fun but not brilliant. "The Archer" was stylistically unique but was a departure from what made Taylor famous (and sounded a little like she was trying to emulate the whimsical sad girl trope that's so popular in indie music nowadays). But "Lover" brings us back to what made her famous - heartfelt lyrics, understated romance, and a relatable country lilt that transcends genres. Honestly, it reminds me of my actual favorite T-Swift tune, "Everything Has Changed," and that's a good thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be over dramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

"Lover" appeals to me because it's rings something that I feel is essential for love and that is the feeling that you're home. Maybe it's my Cancer stellium talking, but it's incredibly difficult for me to feel comfortable enough to be myself with strangers. I find it weird because I find that most people will share all sorts of secrets with me, even when I'm not looking for it. It's not that I'm secretive, I just private...you'll get to know me when I want you to know me and not a minute sooner. When I do find someone that allows me to let my guard down without hesitation, that's something special. It goes without saying that those instances are rare, because once I get to that point, I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm afraid Taylor and I have that in common, but - after all the turmoil and controversy stirred up during her 20s - it sounds like Taylor's Saturn return has been good to her. It sounds like she's found someone who both inspires her and encourages her to be playful, that makes her want to settle down and build a home. Someone who meets her on her level and both challenges her to be better while accepting that she's human, too. 

I chose to feature the bridge because it has the most dynamic lyric pattern during the whole song. I also think it gets to the heart of what she's saying, which is this - if all the chaos and pain and tears led her to being with (to quote Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail") the "one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy," then it was all worth it. But, I'd like to note few idiosyncrasies I found in the lyrics. Does she really think leaving the lights up until January is a big deal? Honestly, I love Christmas lights and, if it was up to me, I'd leave them up all year long. Or better yet, I'd string 'em up inside my house so I could enjoy them whenever, because it instantly makes a room feel magical. We did that for a while, in our first apartment in San Antonio, and I loved it. We also let our friends crash in our living room, but we really didn't have any other option. We were all young and broke, so it would've been pretty dick to make them get a hotel room. Also, doesn't Taylor Swift have like a 16-room mansion? Pretty sure crashing in the living room is fairly unnecessary for anyone in her social circle. But, I have to admit, it is kind of cozy. I enjoyed sleepovers when I was younger because it felt comforting to have everyone sleeping around me. I'm sure that says something troubling about my psyche but I don't care. Yes, I was one of those kids who liked camping in my living room (which was a rare and treasured experience) and building pillow forts. I read on Twitter that Cancers love their caves. In my case, this is accurate. My whole life, I've always wanted to sleep in a lit clos, which is a type of bed that is built into what looks like a chest of drawers, with doors you can close to make it dark. It's basically like sleeping in a coffin, which I'm sure I'd probably enjoy, too. I'm just rambling now, so I'll stop and give you some time to enjoy the video for "Lover," which is only a lyric video but it's got Taylor's favorite aesthetic (vintage home movies) all over it. 

"Lover" Video

"Believer" by Imagine Dragons

There's this thing in witchcraft that we call The Great Work (or, for those of you schooled in the studies of Hermeticism and alchemy, the Magnum Opus). Spoiler alert: The Great Work is you. It's your life. In Thelema, the magical system developed by Aleister Crowley, the Great Work is the spiritual practices leading to the mystical union of the Self and All. Now, whether or not you follow Mr. Crowley, there is something empowering in knowing that you are your own masterpiece. That's the actual magic of alchemy. Through putting all your energy into accomplishing a goal (such as creating the Philosopher's Stone), the process transforms you, metaphorically turning your soul from lead into gold.

I've been delving deep into Theosophy lately, specifically the lessons of the spiritual path and its similarities to The Hero's Journey. When you see all the threads for what they are, it's hard not to see all the inevitable connections. On the spiritual path, the first initiation is the choice to take the spiritual path. The choice to embody who you are and your destiny. Not unlike what the Hero has to go through, when s/he understands that not going on the journey/quest/mission that has presented itself will leave them unsatisfied. It's not that the life they would have if they don't choose to go on the journey will be unhappy, but it will be safe and unremarkable. And they'll always be left wondering about the "what ifs." In "Believer," the singer stands at the precipice of this choice. He is thinking over his life and he realizes that everything that has happened to him - both good and bad - has led him to this place. He's grateful for all of it. And he realizes he has control over what happens next. Theosophy speaks of many other initiations, all very interesting in their own right, but it's this first one that matters the most. Theoretically, the majority of people don't face this initiation. Maybe they get close but then back away at the last second. Usually out of fear of what other people will think.

First things first

I'ma say all the words inside my head

I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh

The way that things have been, oh ooh

Second thing second

Don't you tell me what you think that I can be

I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh ooh

The master of my sea, oh ooh

Which brings me to the subject of Saturn Returns. Saturn is the ruler of discipline, duty, and - yes, my friends - destiny. He forces us to face the essentials of life, the obligations to our community that we have when we are born, and the responsibilities we must accept if we are to continue existing. Saturn Returns have a way of activating parts of our natal chart that have thus far remained dormant. It takes Saturn to go through all 12 signs of the Zodiac approximately 29.5 years and it usually has an influence for about 3 years. For simplicity's sake, let's just say that most people are under the influence of their Saturn Return from when they turn 28 to until the end of age 30. Coincidentally, the average age for divorce is 30. Supposedly, most people turn to whoever they're with and they have one of two reactions: "Yay! I get to spend the rest of my life with this person." or "Oh. My. God. I'm going to spending the rest of my life with this person." Alternatively, Saturn Returns also have a habit of bringing in love from an unexpected source, usually when you're not looking for it. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - Saturn also has a habit of helping people realize what they really want in life. It's the much needed kick-in-the-pants that gets them pointed in the right direction, if they weren't already going that way.

I was thinking about the 3 years that encapsulated my Saturn Return. It's funny - I distinctly remember when I turned 28, I vowed that it was going to be the best year of my life and I wrote down a plan to make that happen in my journal. About a month after writing all those good intentions, I found out I was pregnant. Saturn strikes again...but that's okay, because I've always wanted kids. And maternity leave was like having a built-in writing vacation because, instead of sleeping when the baby slept, I decided to use that time to write (in hindsight, this probably wasn't the best idea....I was always so exhausted). In those 3 years, I had a baby, I got married, I bought a house, received a series of promotions that have gotten me to where my career is today, wrote more than ever, and a few other less pleasant things that I'd rather not mention (but, nonetheless, had a profound impact on me). In spite of some missteps (or perhaps because of them), I feel like I became more myself, which is what is supposed to happen during a Saturn Return. You're supposed to be set on the path you're meant to follow. Not everyone embraces it, though. Sometimes, the opportunity to leave a situation that doesn't reflect your core self presents itself and you don't take it out of some misguided belief of what you should do, rather than what you really want for yourself. Luckily, most people will have another Saturn Return but resisting that first one may cause you to stay in an unhappy situation for longer than you otherwise would have out of fear of facing the unknown. It's important to remember one key piece of guidance when facing a Saturn Return (or any Return or Retrograde, for that matter): Chaos is another name for Opportunity. Embrace the chaos. Saturn knows better than most that, in order to put thing right, you might have to tear everything apart first. Stepping back and seeing the method in the madness is what will ultimately make you a Believer.

"Believer" Video

"Supergirl" by Reamonn

I was looking for a different song named "Supergirl" and I found this instead. The sound fit my mood more so I'm gonna go with it. I've just been feeling like I've been doing a lot and lately, I've been wonder if I really want to do even half of it. Or if I'm just doing things because it's expected, because it's routine. I found myself explaining something to someone and my only thought was, "Is it really this hard?" It might be. I'm not sure if I understand what simple means anymore. Everything is complicated. And I have a bad habit of making things easy for others. However, if I step back and think about what I want, the answer seems too simple. I want to be free. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury - I've made too many mistakes.

You can tell by the way she walks 

That she's my girl. 

You can tell by the way 

She talks, she rules the world. 

You can see in her eyes 

That no one is her chain

She's my girl, 

My supergirl.

Anyway, the song is about a woman (whom the singer loves) who has never had anyone to rely on except herself. So she does everything herself, handles everything by herself. Her emotions, her vulnerabilities, her insecurities. The singer sees all those ugly things and he still loves her. However, she doesn't believe he can really be that person who she can count on. He can't handle her at her worst....probably because she's never even let him see her at her worst, but I digress. Eventually she starts pushing him away because, due to this wall she built up, she walks away unfulfilled. She's so certain that he's going to abandon her that she burns that bridge before he can. To quote T-Swift, "you gotta leave before you get left." My assumption is the singer wrote this song after the relationship ended.

And then she'd shout 

Down the line 

Tell me she's got no more time 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's don't cry 

And then she'd scream in my face 

Tell me to leave

Leave this place 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's just fly 

Honestly, there's a lot to unpack here - more than I have time to write, but I'll try to do some short notes, since it is interesting (and complicated) psychology. Fear of abandonment is a helluva drug, people. It makes us hold onto toxic things that should have died long ago and push away things that might actually be exactly what we wanted. A few quick signs of abandonment fear include:

• Quickness to attach (even - and maybe especially - to unavailable partners)
• Intense separation anxiety
• Feeling insecure and unworthy of love
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Aiming to please
• Difficulty trusting others
• Being nitpicky and hard-to-please

All of the above is interesting because fear of abandonment also manifests as:

• Reluctance to fully commit
• Difficulty achieving emotional intimacy"
• Quickness to move on to ensure you don't get too attached

Ironically, those last three appear when fear of abandonment is triggered the most. This happens when you find someone you really like, that you really click with, i.e., someone whose abandonment would hurt you the worst. Contrariwise, you may end up staying with people who don't care about you or, in some cases, are abusive (most narcissistic relationship dynamics have some element of abandonment fear in them). Mostly because people with a fear of abandonment are more likely to ignore those red flags signalling incompatibility or abusiveness, because they are so eager to not be alone. No Doubt has a great lyric for this in their song, "Magic's In The Makeup": "The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best." Unfortunately, the methods to deal with this fear can eventually end up driving people away, resulting in the thing you fear the most. You either get really clingy and insecure. Or, you go the opposite way and you get really aloof, as if you don't care at all (but you really do - that's the problem...it's fucking scary as hell).  

Psychologists thinks this fear stems from the development of object permanence. Normally, around age 3, children learn that separation from their parents does not result in their parent not loving them anymore. They develop a mental construct of the parent and eventually understand that the parent still exists and will eventually come back. Thus, fear of abandonment is usually found in children who had parents who weren't around much or were neglectful. The article I read while researching this used the children of a military members who are deployed a lot as their primary example. Fun. But it explains a lot. Anyway, knowing you have a fear of abandonment is the first step to changing behaviors. Especially if your fear is mild, this may be enough to overcome it but some people may need professional help. Regardless of how severe the fear of abandonment is, it's important to build a sense of belonging, not just in romantic relationships, but in your general community as well. For general mental wellness, it's important to build a support network of like-minded individuals (a "tribe," if you will) through working on your hobbies and passions, which will help you build confidence and security. And hopefully, you won't feel like you have to be "Supergirl" all the time.

"Supergirl" Video

"Cry Baby" by Melanie Martinez

This song was on the Cancer playlist, which I've been listening to a lot, and I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning. The joke is that Cancers are cry babies but, to be honest, I've had friends who literally told me that they thought I was incapable of crying. The husband has only seen me cry once - and that was when my best friend (whom I had known for 7 years) left El Paso for San Francisco, which was nearly a decade ago. But I'll tell you a secret - I cry a lot more than people think. It occurred to me the other day that I probably have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life....and I actually think that might be a good thing for me. Being stone-faced and hard was my defense mechanism for dealing with the chaos of my youth. I had to be strong for my sisters, for my family, and pretend I could handle shit on my own (which I can - I'm the fucking best at doing shit on my own). I'm the "Pillar of Strength" that they needed. I always have been. And I know from experience how manipulative tears can be and I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to force anyone to do anything just to make me happy. Unfortunately, I've found that the stereotype that women turn on the water works when they want something has an uncomfortable ring of truth to it. So I've become very adept at hiding when I do cry but - and I think this is the most disappointing thing I've learned in my life - is that I don't have to try that hard to hide it. People will just straight up ignore anything that makes them uncomfortable. Noticing that someone has been crying makes it feel like you should do something and I don't think anyone really feels like they're good at comforting others. So they don't. Ironically, eliciting community support is one of the primary reasons why we cry for emotional reasons. That's modern society for ya.

Now, you'd think I'd be concerned but I'm not, because I know the symptoms of depression and am relieved to say that I don't really have the hopelessness and lack of interest that comes along with a major depressive episode. On the contrary, I actually feel pretty hopeful and have a renewed sense of purpose. I researched this seriously when I chose this song and it turns out it's really healthy to cry on a regular basis - and that actively repressing the urge to cry may be more damaging to your mental health. Most people cry on average a few times a month, for various reasons. It's important to remember that there's a reason why we developed crying as a response to emotional stimulus. It releases hormones that make us feel better. It's a cathartic release for stress and frustration at a situation. And, as I've already mentioned, it elicits an empathetic reaction from our loved ones that encourages communal bonding. All good things.

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

I bring it up because I've been crying for some of the most bizarre reasons and my ability to hold back has faltered. For example, I was straight up bawling while watching "You've Got Mail" this weekend. Watching a Meg Ryan movie was supposed to make me feel better after such a stressful week! And even though I've watched that movie more times than any sane person would, I still found myself getting excited during the Meet-Cute, weeping during the moments when Meg and Tom (Hanks) are feeling the most alone, and bouncing in my seat like a child when she finally realizes that the pen pal she fell in love with is also the business rival who befriended her (after destroying her business). Oh, my heart! Of course, this was just a natural evolution. My capacity to contain my tears while watching movies has diminished greatly over the past decade and especially in the past few years (I blame the "mommy" hormones). Weeping on the couch over a cup of chai tea was always going to happen one day. I hate being predictable but, in some ways, I feel like I'm the most predictable person in the world. This was one of those moments.

And yet, there are also those unpredictable moments, when hearing someone else's experience strikes something in my heart that I didn't expect. On some unfortunate occasions, those moments hit when I'm walking on a public street. Recently, I was listening to "The Astrology Podcast" interview with Sabrina Monarch, where they were talking about evolutionary astrology and North-South nodes in a person's chart (a topic that was popping up so much in my periphery that I had no choice but be drawn to it). Sabrina was talking about what she called her "spiritual awakening" and how that, because others didn't understand what was happening to her, she was diagnosed as bipolar. Even though she didn't have the typical symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. That hit me because, when I first started studying psychology, I was extremely concerned that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and/or Bipolar Disorder, like my mom. Coincidentally, this was the main reason I was absolutely terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my son, even though I've always known I wanted to have children. I'm not, though. I've been to enough therapists to know that I would've been diagnosed by now. My late teens/early 20s - when my emotional highs and lows were particularly intense - were just a chaotic time in my life and I reacted accordingly, given what I knew at the time. Lately, I've been feeling that same out-of-control feeling and Sabrina's story helped to ground me a little. I'm not crazy (even though it feels like it), I'm just going through a really intense period of my life and I'm meant to feel it. Because if I don't allow myself to feel it (like I tried to do in my 20s), it will just get worse. I think framing it as a "spiritual awakening" and leaning into the more esoteric topics I'm interested in - like meditation, astrology, and yogic/tantric studies - helps a lot, too. Mostly because those philosophies focus a lot on reducing stress in the body and being in touch with your inner knowing. In Psychology, we just call that shit "coping mechanisms."

You're all on your own and

You lost all your friends

You told yourself that

It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Largely due to her experiences with the intersection of psychology and spirituality, Sabrina Monarch started a podcast called "The Magic of the Spheres." I took the time to listen to her interview with Jason Holley, a psychotherapist who incorporates natal chart readings into his practice. I find his approach to therapy enlightening, because it emphasizes that people and their personalities are constantly changing. He also uses astrology as a way to get away from the more clinical language, which turns a lot of people away. They don't want to be diagnosed. They don't want the stigma of being a narcissist or a borderline or a depressive person. And he'd argue that those aren't stable parts of the personality, only processes that the psyche gets stuck in when something inhibits the person's growth. It makes an extremely complex situation understandable for the layperson and, even as someone who has a (useless) degree in the subject, I found that his perspective opened up my mind in the way I thought of mental illness. I also liked how he used his knowledge of a person's chart to make a connection to his patients, to meet them on their level and morph his behavior to where he shows up in the way that will help his patients the most. I think that's extremely important for a therapist to do because, if you are cold and clinical, your patient isn't going to show up more than once or twice (unless it's court-mandated or you're the only psychologist in town). You could be the most knowledgeable psychologist in the world but if someone isn't comfortable confiding in you, in trusting you, you won't be able to help them. Therapy is a lot about breaking down walls - you can't be like everyone else the person has met in their life.

In summation, I am a cry baby...and I don't fucking care.

"Cry Baby" Video

August Theme: "Empowerment"

I was planning to post the theme for this month sooner but after the tragedy in El Paso yesterday, I felt drained and also felt it was inappropriate although my family and friends who still live there are okay (the Cielo Vista Walmart is close to where my in-laws live), it still weighs on me a bit. El Paso is one of the few places in my life where I felt like I had a "home." Considering that, for a city of its size, murder is incredibly rare in El Paso, the magnitude of violence that occurred there yesterday is unexpected. Given the details that are coming out of the investigation about the shooter's intentions to specifically target people of Hispanic descent, it's hard for me not to take yesterday's events personally. And that's how I feel on that.

I've chosen "Empowerment" for this month's theme. Aside from all the Leo season good-ness that is supposed to be happening, it's a theme that allows room for some happy songs and exploration of new psychology methodologies and theories that have sparked my curiosity as of late. I've also stumbled upon a new breed of psychology - Holistic Psychology - that views New Age ideas/concepts as a tool for self-healing and enlightenment. Because of its reputation as a "soft science," psychology (as I encountered it in school) intentionally focused only on areas of study that the mainstream considered "serious," and as a result, neglected research of topics that the average scientist would consider "woo-woo." For example, extra-sensory perception (ESP), life after death/near-death experiences, and the effects of spirituality/occult practices. Like it or not, these things are part of the human experience and are worthy of scientific research. To choose not to study and examine an area of the human psyche because the possibilities have been judged too fantastical is an active choice to ignore an entire dimension of objective truth simply to assuage the scientific community's collective ego. It's one of the things that turned me off to studying psychology further and I find it ironic that my spiritual quest has brought me full circle.

Lately, my journey has led me to learn more about the North and South nodes in astrology. Understanding the North and South nodes in our natal - and how they manifest in our lives - is one of those things in astrology that I think could have massive potential for helping people understand and pursue their life's purpose. The cardinal rule of astrology is "thou shalt not covet another's placements" but - if I may confess - I've always been jealous that I didn't have any Libra placements, because Libra is the sign of beauty and charm. Until I realized that I probably have the most essential Libra placement of all - my South node. Astrologically speaking, it means in past lives (or in the beginning of this life, if you don't believe in reincarnation), I have already mastered and incorporated the best parts of Libra. Diplomacy, charm, cooperation, relational/emotional intelligence, kindness, elegance, and the art of being effortlessly beautiful. Those qualities are innate parts of who I am as a person and are essential to accomplishing my soul's mission. But, as beneficial as these qualities may seem, over-reliance of them can be a hindrance and that is something I must learn as I aim to master the spirit of Aries (my North node). The key is balance - there is time for artful collaboration and time for fierce independence.

I feel like I'm learning so much at this time and I feel moved to try to synthesize it all into something more cohesive. As I do that this month, please be patient - postings may not be as frequent but they will probably be more lengthy and intense. Thank you for your patience and please enjoy this short Sailor Moon meme. I saw it on Twitter and it touched me, because I feel like it's advice I don't follow enough in my own life. And that is something I'm working on.