"Bloody Valentine" by Machine Gun Kelly

Happy Thanksgiving! Thought I'd do a short post for the holiday, since it's been a couple days. Another somethin' somethin' that showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Kinda obsessed with this song lately. Really, just obsessed with MGK's work in general. His early works were mostly rap but his latest album, Tickets to My Downfall, takes a turn towards the pop punk genre and "Bloody Valentine" is in that vein. As a 90s kid, I grew up during the second wave of the pop punk resurgence. A fact that becomes more and more obvious as I progress through "Dawson's Creek." Holy shit! I forgot how magnificent and diverse 90s music was. Every episode I watch has at least one or two songs I have to Shazam or look up on google. At some point, I'm going to write an entire thesis paper on how the 90s, more than any other decade in history, has shaped the musical landscape of the new millennium (which I'll call the Age of Aquarius, just for the hell of it).

The simulation just went bad

But you're the best I ever had

Like hand prints in wet cement

She touched me it's permanent

"Bloody Valentine" is the first single on MGK's latest album and was released with the music video in May 2020. Fun fact: Speaking of 90s music, Blink 182 alumnus, Travis Barker, is credited as writer, drummer and producer for the song and also performs on the acoustic version, which is also great. The lyrics are pretty straightforward. Urban Dictionary defines a "bloody valentine" as confessing your true feelings to someone only to be rejected, usually on Valentine's Day. I didn't even know that was a term. The younger generations are so linguistically creative, it's amazing. However, I don't think that accurately describes the situation in the song. Based on the lyrics, it sounds like MGK engaged in a one-night stand with someone he actually liked. Big mistake. Huge. Rumor has it this song is about Megan Fox, who he met on the set of "Midnight in the Switchgrass," a movie they were filming together. The then-married Fox also starred in the video for "Bloody Valentine." Megan Fox separated from her husband May. Shortly after, she and MGK started dating. Almost immediately she started spouting some crazy bullshit about them being destined for each other. And, as of today, she filed for divorce from Brian Austin Green. Their relationship is moving at alarming speed.

I don't do fake love, but I'll take some from you tonight

I know I've got to go but I might just miss the flight

I can't stay forever, let's play pretend

And treat this night like it'll happen again

You'll be my bloody valentine tonight

Anyway, let's talk a little bit about Megan Fox, because I finally got to the seasons in "New Girl" where she was a regular guest star. I both love to look at her and would love to look like her. Which is exactly how they explained to Nick how to know if another guy is attractive - if you wouldn't mind looking like someone, they are attractive. I have mad respect for Fox, because the film industry has not been kind to her. It's easy to paint really beautiful women as cold, callous bitches, but in every interview where they've asked about her experiences, she's handled it with grace and dignity. Industry sexism nearly destroyed her career but she's making a comeback. She looks amazing after having three boys and seems like a really good mom. She's awesome and I hope she's not being sucked in by a narcissist, because that's what it seems like. A bunch of the psychologists I watch recently did videos on how narcissists often use the "you're my soul mate" card to manipulate people to let down their guard and then later, to justify treating them poorly. It's sad, because it preys upon our most pressing, primal desire - to be understood, to be special, to be loved. I'm not saying I don't believe in soul mates. I do. I just don't think the Universe would permanently connect a person to someone who hurts them.

In my head in my head

I'm laying naked with you, yeah

In my head, in my head

I'm ready to die holding your hand

Feeling pretty good lately. I made The Husband pot roast for Thanksgiving dinner and it turned out well. My doctor gave me the all clear to start running and I'm happy to say I can still jog at a moderate pace for 20 minutes, even after a 6-month break. "Bloody Valentine," being pop punk, makes an excellent running song. And I'm super excited to return to work soon, as is my boss. Insomnia has made it difficult to return to my normal schedule but hopefully that will get better once I start working again. The video features Megan Fox dancing half-naked around an empty house - Enjoy!

"Bloody Valentine" Video

"Glycerine" by Bush

Continuing on our melancholic mystery tour (see what I did there?), we're going to examine a staple of sad 90s alternative ballads. Long story short - it's a metaphor. Gavin Rossdale wrote "Glycerine" for long-time girlfriend, model Jasmine Lewis. They were together for five years but ended it in the mid-90s. To hear him tell it, it was a good relationship but it became strained when Bush started to gain notoriety and Rossdale was on the road a lot. The long-distance wasn't working and they decided to go their separate ways. Rossdale has been straightforward about what the lyrics mean - Love is like a bomb. Glycerine, in most situations, is a fairly nonvolatile and useful substance. However, when combined with the right ingredients, it is explosive. That's the metaphor. Something that is safe and stable can, under certain circumstances, blow up in your face. Which is why you have to be careful. 

Must be your skin that I'm sinking in

Must be for real 'cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind

It's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white

And everything's grey

Now you're here now you're away

I don't want this

Remember that

I'll never forget where you're at

The lyrics comprise a sort of postmortem of Rossdale's breakup with Lewis. He clearly didn't want it to end and it sounds as if he's telling trying to tell her what he was feeling. The long-distance was hard for him, too. I think when a good relationship completely breaks down, it is because something very important wasn't communicated. Usually feelings. One person feels taken for granted but acts like everything is fine. Another person doesn't want to show how invested they are, so they "play it cool" and act distant. The road to heartbreak is paved with words unsaid. Without communication, people fill in the silence with their own narrative, which is usually (but not always) completely wrong and reflects the worst of their insecurities/fears. 

I needed you more

You wanted us less

I could not kiss just regress

It might just be

Clear simple and plain

That's just fine

That's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by

Could've been easier on you, you, you

I had a long pop culture rant but it sounded ridiculous and unrelated, so I deleted it. Everything I think sounds ridiculous and unrelated (and delusional, at times) lately. I try to keep most of the crazy confined to my journal so I can save some of the actually smart/thoughtful stuff for here. I'm not sure I have any of that stuff left, to be honest. To quote Nick Miller from "New Girl," my brain feels like spaghetti. The dialogue on that show is truly ace.

The video for "Glycerine" evokes the idea, for me, of memories. Of course, you have Gavin Rossdale playing guitar and looking tortured. That's all good. But then you have these less focused shots of a woman in a bare apartment interspersed with the musical scenes. I love the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." In it, two people, Joel and Clementine, erase their relationship with each other from their memory using new technology. In the film, the audience sees the memories from Joel's perspective as their being erased. At some point, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget. I find myself replaying certain memories and I don't know why because it hurts intensely. I just realized today that I'm replaying them so I don't lose them. And that's probably why they are so clear.

Also, it fucking pisses me off that this song uses the British spelling. Just thought I'd throw that out there, just in case anyone else felt the same. You're not alone.

"Glycerine" Music Video

"Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik

 Spotify has this feature where it will take all the songs you listen to most often (within the last couple months or so, depending on how long you've been using Spotify) and put them into a personalized playlist named "On Repeat." Over the next few posts, I've decided to share a few songs that have recently landed on my "On Repeat" playlist. Some of them are new discoveries, some of them are forgotten gems, and probably too many of them are mid-90s to early-00s classics. Also, I'm very aware that this blog has been heavy on female-fronted music lately and this will add a lot more vocal/genre diversity.

"Barely Breathing" was released in 1996. It's about a guy who is starting to realize his girlfriend's emotional outbursts are manipulative. Her excessive emotionality is not actually the love he's wanting from her. She's using her tears - or more specifically, his empathy - to get what she wants out of him without actually reciprocating his feelings or meeting his needs in the relationship. Obviously, he cares for her but he's catching on that it's not as mutual as she says it is. In the lyrics to "Barely Breathing," it sounds like he's decided to walk away. And maybe he's done this in the past and he's gone back to her after she offered an empty apology, a lot of tears and excuses, and maybe even some sex. But this time, he knows she's not going to change and, if he gives in, he's just going to be in this same situation again. And when you're having the same conversations over and over again with someone, guess what? You're stuck in a pattern. And, at some level, they know you'll settle for whatever they're willing to give because you're more invested than they are. A second chance is okay. You might even be able to justify a third chance. But anything more than that is self-betrayal.

I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline

When I kiss away your tears

You really had me goin'

Wishin' on a star

The black holes that surround you

Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion

You were so completely torn

It must've been that yesterday

Was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine

There's nothing left to hide

You really can't be serious

If you have to ask me why

I say goodbye

I follow Dr. Nicole LePera and watch a lot of her videos. She says that compromising on our needs and settling for a situation that makes us unhappy is self-betrayal. What Sheik's girlfriend is probably doing is called "breadcrumbing" and it's a common behavior in toxic relationships. Essentially, she's doing just enough so he won't leave, but she has no interest in doing any more than that. And that's fine but they probably shouldn't be in a relationship if she's not at least willing to try to meet his minimum needs and vice versa. People get stuck in these relationship patterns out of subconscious fears. In the past, Sheik probably accepted how she treated him because he had a misguided belief that what he wanted in a relationship was "too much" and was afraid asking her to meet his needs would result in her leaving him. With the right person/people, you won't be afraid of asking for what you want and they won't make you feel like you're asking for too much. If you ask them to change their behavior, they will. And not just for a couple of weeks or months - they'll make a conscious effort to meet your needs and respect your boundaries for the long term. And that's what reciprocity and mutual affection looks like. 

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

I don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

And worth the price, the price that I would pay

But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm one of those people for whom emotional pleas are super effective. I can't stand it when I see someone crying, I feel compelled to try and help. Or at least listen. My upbringing has resulted in me being hypersensitive to emotional cues and, in some cases, I'm even over reactive to them. My default assumption when someone close isn't talking to me is that they're angry with me (a remnant of liberal neglect, withholding affection, and the silent treatment). However, on the plus side, it has turned me into a human lie detector. Maybe it's made me a bit cynical but I think tears that come out during conflict are manipulative. Some people have learned to use them as weapons (and, not to be sexist but in my experience, most of them are women). And the tears always come out when you're trying to hold them accountable for their bad behavior and poor treatment of you. Sheik brings this up in the lyrics - "I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears" - he knows there's nothing real behind them. Purely mechanical. They are always accompanied by a lot of excuses, but no real apologies or acceptance of responsibility. They play the victim - "Oh, I was feeling some sort of way so I took it out on you." You assume they feel bad because they're crying but they just feel bad because you're not letting them get away with things. The tears are a distraction to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. But actions speak louder than words and the best apology is changed behavior. What they do after you talk to them matters more than any tearful promises they make in the moment.

But Duncan Sheik is human and he has a heart. He knows he probably shouldn't go into this situation again, especially now that he can see the pattern. But he cares about this person - maybe even loves her - so he's "thinking it over anyway." He shouldn't. Based on the rest of the lyrics, he knows what he should do. Sticking around when someone is hurting you isn't love - it's codependency. He's the one who is "barely breathing," which shows that - in these situations - walking away hurts you more than it hurts them, no matter how emotional they seem to be. And that's ultimately what this song is about.

"Barely Breathing" Video

"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal

I admit, this song is a little ridiculous but, given the topics I plan to write about during the rest of this month, I think some levity is in order. My husband and I have been watching "Community" for one of our shows to watch through (we usually pick one 20-30 minute show, one hour-long show, and a couple throw-aways *cough*Start Trek*cough* for when I'm feeling tired). We've been getting through it quick because we can't watch "Supernatural" when my son wants to hang out with us - he's scared of the transition music which, to be fair, is pretty loud. I'm a hardcore Jeff-and-Annie shipper and it has been painfully slow to get to this point in the show (where Jeff realizes he actually has real feelings for Annie, not the superficial attraction he's had for other women throughout the show). Although "Community" is an ensemble cast and each character generally gets similar amounts of screentime and shenanigans, Jeff has been set up from the start as sort of the "main protagonist" amidst a show designed with multiple protagonists. His character arc is the most extreme in terms of personal growth and many of the Jeff-centric episodes focus on him dealing with hidden psychological issues or the inner conflict he feels between doing what he's always done (be selfish) and being a good friend to someone else in the group. To his credit, he often chooses the latter option but in the episodes where his selfish-ness wins, it often results in hilarious, unintended consequences. For instance, in the episode where "Kiss from a Rose" is featured, he has claimed he is sick to get out of helping Annie move. While he's at the mall, enjoying his "sick" day, he runs into Dean Pelton, who blackmails Jeff into spending the day with him to prevent him from ratting Jeff out to the group.

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

You became the light on the dark side of me

Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

In "Community," Jeff has been consistently presented with a choice between two potential love interests. Britta represents Jeff's old life and what he was able to get out of it. Britta is pretty, which is what draws him in, but there's not much substance or chemistry between them. They spend a lot of time bickering or making passive-aggressive barbs at each other. She's judgmental and looks down on him for being selfish but when looked at closely, her zest for activism is a front and it's more of a persona for her than a solid system of beliefs and principles. Given the timing of Community's run, this was when "white feminism" - i.e., feminists who believe their way of feminism is the best (only) way and doesn't account for issues that predominantly affect women of color or the LGBT community - started being seen for what it was. Another way to police the choices and beliefs of women through societal pressure. In an ironic twist, in terms of behavior, Britta is probably the least feminist female character of the main ensemble. Contrast that to Annie, who is the more classically feminine (at least in wardrobe) character who prides herself on being the best student and is just a touch naive when we first meet her. It's often these competing interpretations of femininity that drives the more Annie-and-Britta-centered episodes.

Annie is our "pure of heart" character. Annie represents what Jeff was missing from the beginning - innocent enthusiasm, ambition tempered with integrity, and confidence in her intelligence and ability to make things happen. She's also imaginative, creative, resourceful, and - due to a stint in rehab - wiser than her age would suggest. Annie's not without her shortcomings, though. She can be intensely competitive, uptight about following rules, neurotic, and childish when she's upset - but she's working through those issues. Strangely enough, despite being the youngest character in the main ensemble, Annie's tendency to stand by her principles and lean into difficult but necessary life choices makes her one of the most adult characters on the show. While Britta is still struggling to uncover the root of her identity issues in Season 6 (and has been relegated to the role of comedic relief vs love interest), Annie has evolved into a heroine in her life and the lives of her friends. In short, Annie is authentically herself, something that both baffles and attracts Jeff in the beginning. As he works through his various psychological issues, her authenticity only becomes more attractive. It's also the thing that causes him to stay at arm's length - because he's afraid he's not good enough and if he fucks it up, he'll end up ruining the light inside her. That's Jeff's motivation as a character - in becoming a better person (or, at least, less selfish and cynical), he also is in the process of learning he deserves to be happy, too. We'll see what happens but if Season 6 doesn't wrap up this situation, I might throw a slipper at the TV.

I've been reading a lot about writing and building up relationship dynamics for a story I'm constructing. Essentially, the key to a good romance is avoiding taking the plunge into a love story too soon - you've got to build the attraction and tension first, so the reader makes the "ship" association before you even think about putting your characters into a romantic entanglement together. Both characters must have a good foundation on their own and the relationship must satisfy something in both their stories. Here's what I think happened with "Community" - in the first episode, the catalyst that gets the whole ensemble together is Jeff creating a fake study group so he could have a chance to convince Britta to have sex with him. But as the series went forward, it was clear there was more romantic chemistry between Jeff and Annie (despite the cringy age difference - canonically, by Season 5, Jeff is 40 and Annie is 23). Throughout the show, the writers keep trying to make a Jeff and Britta work as a couple but it's clear their chemistry is more brother/sister, despite them both being attractive people who - in theory - are a more logical (and age-appropriate) pair than Jeff and Annie. There is a writing fear that if you promise something in the beginning, it will be delivered by the final act. Jeff and Britta growing together was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel. During the series, it did eventually happen but it was boring, unsatisfying, and didn't really work out. That's how life is, sometimes.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain

Baby, to me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny

Won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

Let's move on to the song. I've never understood what the lyrics meant. I knew it was some trite, romantic, poetic shit but what "a kiss from a rose on the grey" actually means? No clue. Yes, my friends, I looked it up. Spoiler alert: It's a drug reference. What?! Seal - father to Heidi Klum's four kids - is writing a song about drugs?! Well, sort of. Essentially, he's comparing the subject of the song (Heidi?) to taking amphetamines when you're depressed. If you were listening during DARE time in grade school, you should be aware that different categories of drugs have different effects on the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). Depressants, like alcohol, slow it down and, among other things, make it difficult to concentrate, think, or function without a delayed reaction time. Hallucinogens have a psychotropic effect (they make you see and hear things that may not exist or may not be a reflection of reality). And stimulants, like amphetamines, speed up the SNS, resulting in symptoms such as hyper-focus, overconfidence, and racing thoughts. Stimulants result in the release of a lot of dopamine and norepinephrine, so the effects are not unlike how you feel during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship - hence, the comparison may be quite an accurate one. Taking a stimulant when you're depressed, probably feels like being on a rocket - but I also imagine the crash is equally impactful. As we've discussed, the "honeymoon" period only lasts about 6 months on average and we're less and less likely to feel this "high" feeling as time goes on. It is extremely unusual to feel it after a year and at this point in a relationship, you're probably running more on oxytocin and attachment fears. Dopamine is still released but the amount is more manageable and you can generally focus on other things, in addition to your relationship. Seal might be talking about this brief period in a relationship but - as indicated by the lyric, "the more I get of you, the stranger it feels" - it could mean he's used to being let down by relationships and that's not happening in this situation. Things just keep getting better and he's still feeling that "high" whenever he is with this person. This is usually when people freak out and sabotage themselves, which is something people with a history of depression often do. Especially if they're taking drugs. 

You may recall that "Kiss from a Rose" was released as a single from the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. True story: "Batman Forever" was the first movie I ever stood in line to see on opening day. I was a big fan of Batman when I was a kid, because my favorite animal was a bat. The nocturnal exhibit at the zoo is still my favorite - it's cool, it's dark, and there's usually no one in there. Besides that, I have reason to believe that this movie played a huge role in the creation of my Love Map, which is the template we use for relationships and other things in life. Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, psychologist and badass, is basically my aesthetic. She combined the noir archetype and style of the Femme Fatale with being the hyper-intelligent, independent woman that was en vogue for action movie love interests during the mid-90s. As a character, she showed a woman could have a thriving psychology practice, kickbox in her free time, AND wear pencil skirts on the daily. As for Val Kilmer, I would say he's my favorite Batman out of the late 20th century options (the others being Michael Keaton and George Clooney) - he definitely fits my "type" physically, especially when he's wearing (totally unnecessary) glasses and he played the "dark and brooding" version of the Batman character convincingly. There's a lot of good things about this movie which keep it from being the worst Batman movie. It leaned into its inherent campiness and, as a purely cinematic experience, it's a fun movie to watch.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah

Now that your rose is in bloom

A light hits the gloom on the grey

COVID-19 Update: I've been taking a social media break for my anxiety. I deleted most social media apps except for YouTube and Pinterest, which I don't even count as social media. It has helped immensely, especially getting away from Twitter - the COVID updates combined with the usual political outrage wheel and Spiritual Twitter drama was becoming a huge energy vacuum for me. I meant to only do the break for one week but it's been two so far and I don't hate it. I might extend it another week or two, because I honestly don't miss it. Sure, I don't know what the exact COVID numbers are for the local area anymore but I get enough information to know that the numbers are still bad, the curve isn't "flattened," and isolation is probably going to continue for at least another month, if not more. Without all that scrolling, though, I have a surprising amount of free time on my hands. I've used it to catch up on my reading. I'm reading everything - pregnancy books, psychology books, witchcraft books, and a couple fiction books, too, for good measure. I've made a goal to finish at least four of the books I've been reading in August. I've also spent a lot of time writing - outside of this blog. I do have things planned for August, but they may not be as frequent, especially since I'm trying to navigate the new Blogger interface. Expect a COVID update on most posts - I'm documenting little tidbits of modern life during this time for posterity. As I mentioned, some weirdo in the future might be interested in how I - a teleworking mother with novel-writing aspirations - chose to spend her time in isolation. Not going to lie - I spend a lot of it watching "Schitt's Creek" on Netflix.

"Kiss from a Rose" Video

"Too Much" by The Spice Girls

When this post is published - because I'm scheduling this one to publish at the exact time of the New Moon just to be extra - it will mark the Sun's ingress into Cancer and a total annular solar eclipse at 0° Cancer, which just happens to be exactly on my natal Venus. Fun times. No seriously - this is my season and, as far as I'm concerned, Cancer season is the best season. I chose "Too Much" by The Spice Girls because Cancerians can get a little nostalgic and what's more nostalgic than 1997? There's also a lot of crazy astrological stuff going on in the second half of 2020. I've been listening to professional astrologers' forecast and - whoo, boy! - if you thought the first half of 2020 sucked, I've got some bad news for you. And it all kicks off with this eclipse here. I'll go into why I chose this particular Spice Girls song later on - although it is my favorite Spice Girls song, it does legit address some of the major themes the eclipse this morning highlights and questions/concerns that we'll be further underscored throughout the rest of the year. As I said, there's a lot going on just within this first month of the second half of 2020 so I'll just jump into it. Quick forewarning - while I'm writing this, I've already plugged in some skeleton notes and, needless to say, this is going to be a long post. Buckle up.

Love is blind, as far as the eye can see

Deep and meaningless, words to me

Easy lover, I need a friend

Road to nowhere, twist and turns but will this never end

Well my dear you'll know that he pleases me (eases me)

But short term solution ain't no resolution

There ain't no release for me

First, let's just address the elephant in the room - Mercury went retrograde in Cancer on Thursday. Personally - and I say this as someone who has natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer - this is the least of our worries. It might actually be a good thing. The themes of this retrograde, especially since it partially overlaps the Venus Retrograde and joins a bunch of other planets in retrograde motion, are very heart-based. The big question we're being asked is "Am I living authentically from my heart?" What does that mean? Well, there's a lot that goes into that question but it deals mostly with living with integrity. Are we acting in accordance with our core principles? Are we being honest with ourselves and others about how we feel? Especially when it comes to patterns and relationships that seem like they're on repeat. Cancer energy tends to be nostalgic, focusing on the good things, while ignoring the bad. It tends to make people with Cancer placements very loyal to those they love. But this can often be to their detriment, especially when they're in situation where the majority of the time, they feel unappreciated and unloved. They allow the positives of the past override the reality of the present. Cancer placements also have tendency to want to be giving but have difficulty receiving and thus, may not voice their needs and boundaries. As a result, resentment can build but the other person will have no idea. Mercury Retrograde is here to give us the push we need to identify what needs aren't being met and re-evaluate if they can be met given the current situation. I've been struck by the first line in MCR's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - "Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say." If you want honesty, you have to give it to yourself first.

Cancer has a reputation of being the sign of emotions. As a result, Cancer natives get branded as too sensitive, cry-babies, irrational, and various other things. But being in tune with our emotions can give us powerful insight to drive us forward in our lives. Emotions - yes, negative ones, too - are telling us something important about how our body is processing an experience. Anger is telling us we feel our needs, desires, and boundaries are being dishonored and disregarded by another's actions. Resentment is signaling that we are doing things to please someone else, not because we wanted to do it. That we said "yes" because we feared the potential consequences of saying "no," and by doing so, we ignored our own boundaries. Sadness and depression are often signs that we don't have ownership over our lives or we aren't on our desired life path. It's a sign we might need to make a difficult change, not just in the physical world but in our mental and emotional world as well.

The Mercury Retrograde - in conjunction with Venus in Gemini - is calling our attention to what Julia Cameron calls "crazymakers" in "The Artist's Way." What is a crazymaker? Simply put, it's a person who forcefully makes themselves the center of our attention, even when you need to prioritize yourself. Especially when you need to prioritize yourself. They have a tendency to drag us into their drama or make us feel guilty about our accomplishments, as if our success takes away from them somehow. Everything you do - good or bad - is always a reflection on them. And thus, trying to voice your needs or boundaries is an affront to them, which results in them devising ways of trying to keep you from your goals. Things that may seem innocuous at first, like demanding you something for them even though you set aside the time to work on a personal project (these are usually things that can wait until you're finished, not emergencies). In short, they are effective at making us feel like we're "crazy" or even worse, that we're a bad person if we don't immediately give in to them. The big question to ask yourself is, "how does this person make me feel?"  This question will force us to really compare whether someone is living in integrity. Do their words match their actions and do their actions match their emotions? Mercury Retrograde in Cancer is here to remind you that you're not being too sensitive. Your needs are your needs and if you make the effort to communicate what they are and someone still disregards them, that's your sign something is wrong with your relationship with this person. Inconsistency in how someone treats you should always be a red flag.

Unwrap yourself from around my finger

Hold me too tight or left to linger

Something fine built to last

Slipped up there I guess we're running out of time too fast

Yes my dear you know he soothes me (moves me)

There's no complication there's no explanation

It's just a groove in me

Let's move onto the eclipse, which I'm going to interpret from a more personal perspective, as a demonstration of how to use transits as an analytical tool. It's exactly conjunct with my natal Venus (at 0° Cancer), which also happens to fall on my Ascendant-Descendant axis. Right away, I can tell that the themes this eclipse will awaken (for me) has to do with how I approach the way I relate to others and the effect on how I view myself. Since Venus is currently in Gemini, also hopping around my Ascendant-Descendant axis, my needs in relationships (both with others and myself) are even further underscored. Hence why I chose "Too Much." This song is about a woman (or five) who is moving from relationship to relationship but not ever exactly getting what she needs. But she doesn't want to be single, so she often finds herself settling. One guy is great in bed but she doesn't enjoy hanging out with him otherwise. Another guy is inconsistent in how he treats her - first he's clingy, now he's distant. The harsh truth is she doesn't know what she wants so she doesn't really know what she's looking for when she's dating. She allows things to progress into a full relationship even when she knows something is missing. She wants the full package but she's not willing to stay single until she finds it. So what is the full package? Well, I don't think it's that hard. Amazing sex, even better conversation, dependability, and someone who can stand on their own. Cancer placements are nurturers, but there's a big difference between nurturing and mothering. Someone who mothers you does things for others because they don't think they're capable of doing it for themselves; someone who nurtures you does things for others because they want to, because taking care of a person is how they show care (Acts of Service, if you know about Love Languages). They know you can do something yourself, they just want to make life a little easier for you. Yes, I'm a big Acts of Service person, but Touch and Quality Time are tied in a close second and third. I could care less about Gifts or Words - if you're not holding me (among other things), spending time with me, or trying to help me with the zillion things I'm embroiled in, your words and gifts don't mean jack. I can buy my own shit and I talk to myself almost constantly so....that's that on that.

What part of no don't you understand (understand, understand)

I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can

Boy who thinks he can

Finally, Mars will be moving into Aries and will be hanging out there due to a retrograde until early 2021. I haven't talked about Aries much but there's a lot of things to love about this sign. It's the sign of creativity, independence, courage, and passion. It's big stand up for yourself energy. It's also big stand up for others and what you believe in energy. Mars is at home (i.e., in domicile) in Aries and when a planet is in its home sign, you can expect that the subjects of that planet to be amplified. For Mars, this means War, Anger, Sexuality, Protection/Defense, and Goals. All of the things that we've been ruminating on and reviewing during the Mercury and Venus Retrogrades - and the major shifts we experienced collectively with the Saturn-Pluto conjunction - will come to the forefront while Mars is in Aries. And we'll finally have the energy and courage to do something about it! It's also important to note that Mars will be making some harsh squares against the conjunctions in Capricorn and this tends to manifest as a shakeup to the foundations of institutions. And I mean ALL institutions. Big Government. Big Pharma. Big Finance. Big Geology. The Military-Industrial Complex. The Church. Marriage. With Uranus in Taurus, which will be the biggest influence ruling over the 2020 decade, anything with shaky foundations may crumble. On a personal note, Mars in Aries will be loosely conjunct with the asteroids Chiron, Eris, and Lilith. These have a reputation as troublemakers. Eris is the Goddess of Discord (another one of my favorites) and she brings a lot of righteous anger to the table and buried resentments may come to head during these next six months. Lilith is about the ways we feel repressed and unappreciated, especially sexually - if needs and desires aren't being acknowledged, Mars will ignite these slights in explosive ways. And finally, Chiron represents our inner wounding - in Aries, this wound manifests as feeling as if we are not allowed to be ourselves. If you haven't been living in integrity and authenticity, it's really going to get under your skin for the rest of this year - until you do something about it. Just to sum up, all the shit we've been repressing and resenting - sometimes for years, decades even - is going to come up in a big way. 

On the bright side, Mars in Aries will be activating my North Node and Jupiter in my 11th House. It's a nudge to embrace the creative, independent, courageous free-spirit I'm meant to be. That's been gradually coming out in the past few years, especially since my Saturn Return, and that pull is only going to get stronger as I approach my nodal return (which happens when we're approximately 36-38). Mars in Aries will (hopefully, theoretically) give me a push to start working and building on some of the recent revelations I've had about my life purpose and direction in life. I've been flooded with a bunch of inspirational insights so I've been trying to manage them as best I can, even with the overwhelming amount of information coming in from the outside world. If the astrology forecasts are to be believed, it's only going to get more crazy as we move forward, so now's the time to put plans in place for how to manage it. If you know you have inner work to do, it's best to do it now before it's too late. It's also a good time to start living from an authentic place. The cards I pulled from my Threads of Fate: Shadow Edition deck for June were "Speak Truth" and "Manifest." You can't do one without the other.

Thank you for reading my crazy rant on the astrology of 2020. As a reward, please enjoy this ridiculously hodge-podge Spice Girls video. Fun facts - Geri is my favorite Spice Girl and my favorite part of the song is the bridge. "I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can." It's such a simple sentence but it has so much power. It also brings up some real deep questions about masculinity and how that's interpreted in the context of (heterosexual) relationships. But that's clearly a conversation for another day.

"Too Much" Video

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

I woke up last Thursday with this song stuck in my head. And, I was like, "Really, Jess? Are we really going to do this today?" That being said, I'm a sucker for cheesy 90s love songs and this one has to be the cheesiest. And, yet again, there's that goddamn flamenco guitar. I really do have a type when it comes to music, don't I? I read somewhere that Venus (or was it Mercury?) in Cancer has an amazing emotional memory when it comes to music. I have both placements, so maybe it's a double whammy? I don't know - I'm still an amateur. This song was recorded as the theme for the film, "Don Juan DeMarco" and - while I love me some Johnny Depp - I have not seen the movie. I've added it to my list, because it sounds like a movie I would like. It's a romantic comedy about a man who believes he's Don Juan, the greatest lover in the world. When he goes to get psychiatric treatment, hilarity ensues (I'm assuming) and his psychiatrist learns something about love. Sounds ridiculous. But I'm ridiculous, so it fits. As sappy as it was, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" was nominated for Best Original Song at the 1996 Academy Awards, but lost to "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas" (a worthy opponent). Also, can you believe the gall of Wikipedia in categorizing this song as "latin rock"?! You can't just put shit in that category because it sounds vaguely Spanish! Yes, I am shaking my head furiously.

To really love a woman

To understand her you gotta know her deep inside

Hear every thought see every dream

And give her wings when she wants to fly

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms

You know ya really love a woman

I didn't have much of a rant for this song, beyond that it popped into my head out of nowhere, but that happens quite frequently. A song I haven't heard in several years will suddenly become an earwig for me and it gets reincorporated into the repertoire. Occasionally, I'll consider it a sign but sometimes, it might be just nostalgia. For a moment long forgotten....or one that should be. While we're on the topic of signs, I've been considering some of the other ones I've been getting lately. In particular, I've been called toward Persephone, Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. This was my favorite Greek myth when I was younger. I used to read it over and over in "D'Aulaire's Greek Mythology," which I highly recommend for children who are interested in mythology. First, I've been seeing a lot of posts on Pinterest featuring pomegranates and poems about Persephone. Then, she keeps being mentioned in podcasts. And she was mentioned in a particular podcast I was listening to about sacred sexuality, regarding the Pluto/Hades-Persephone archetype. The podcast host was talking about the desire to be claimed. I thought the discussion around it was intriguing. For those unfamiliar with Greek mythology, Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the Underworld to be his Queen. This was a deal that Zeus had made with Hades in secret, because he thought her mother, Demeter, wouldn't allow it. While in the Underworld, Persephone ate six pomegranate arils (seeds). Demeter searched the whole world for her daughter and when she found her, she tried to bring her back. But because Persephone ate food of the Underworld, he would only allow her to return for 6 months out of every year - one month for every seed she ate. And that is why, according to the Greeks, we have seasons.

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

'Til ya know how she needs to be touched

You've gotta breathe her, really taste her

'Til you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

The typical interpretation of this story is Persephone was taken by force and tricked by Hades into eating the pomegranate seeds. However, modern witchcraft and Dark Goddess worshippers have a different interpretation. Persephone made a choice. Out of all the nymphs, Hades chose to claim Persephone, because he could see her greatness. He knew she would be a great and just Queen. Her mother would have Summer all year long but he knew Persephone was wiser than that. She knew that the world needs time to rest and recoup, to process, understand, and appreciate the gifts of Summer. And so, she chose to give the world a yearly reprieve from her mother's Endless Summer and shaped her own path to her Destiny. Persephone is the also considered a Goddess of Rebirth. She encourages us to embrace the darkness and shadows, because when we emerge, we've become stronger and more luminous than before. In addition to Lilith, I've always considered her a personal guide for me. Listening to that podcast helped something click, and I've been spending a lot of time exploring those revelations in the past week. 

Just some light Saturday thoughts. I'm super good at those. 

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Video

"The Frug" by Rilo Kiley

This song has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, I went through a period where I was very into California-based indie music. I listened to a lot of Rooney, Dayplayer, and Sleater-Kinney. And a ton of Rilo Kiley. The kind of music they'd play in Miller's Outpost (when they existed) and Pacific Sunwear. That weirdo trying to Shazam the song playing in the middle of the store - yeah, that's me. I'd try to be subtle about it until I realized no one gives a shit. Rilo Kiley was a particular favorite because they had that special mix of unexpectedly dark lyrics combined with upbeat melodies and wistful vocals. They sort of lost that as they got close to their break-up. I think "More Adventurous" was the peak and then the chemistry dissipated after that. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed their last album. But it was missing something. 

And I can watch TV

I can shuffle off to Buffalo

I can do a backbend

I will not call you back

Jenny Lewis grew up a child actor and, as she grew older, she got more despondent about life. I think that's common for people who were raised as trophy children - to feel like you're not much deeper than you're accomplishments. "The Frug" centers around the detachment she felt. The lyrics quietly - Look! - I can do all these things but I don't quite feel human most of the time. And sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. But I wish I did. Which is pretty sad, because you have a tendency to not realize that being detached can hurt other people. However, emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. In order not to get hurt, people withdraw or act like they don't care to save themselves from feelings of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, acting detached may actually result in the very results the person is trying to avoid. And it becomes this self-fulfilling cycle. Hence the repetitive nature of the final lyrics of the song. 

And I can hate your girl

I can tell you that she's real pretty

I can take my clothes off

I cannot fall in love

This whole week, my mindset has been very "Go fuck yourself, I'm done." My thoughts have been scattered. And yes, I've felt detached and wanting to disappear. I cannot find a logical reason for it. Yes, the current situation has been frustrating but this last week of teleworking actually went by pretty quick. I was busy every day, so when I closed my laptop for the day, I didn't feel like I had wasted 8 hours. The astrological forecast is not as pleasant. The recent New Moon in Taurus fell in my 12th House - the House of Self-Undoing. And it was conjunct Uranus and square Saturn, currently in my 8th House (House of Death, Sex, and Taxes). All this could explain why I'm feeling particularly reckless. All those placements also happen to be aspecting my Mars placement, and thus exacerbating feelings of anger (among other things) and, with an opposition to Saturn, has me resentful of restrictions and rules. So if I punch somebody, I can just blame it on Uranus squaring my natal Mars. That'll hold up with the cops, right? And Pluto is about to go retrograde tomorrow, also in my 8th House. Particularly with Pluto Retrograde, themes of letting go play heavily. Because you can't transform if you're trying to hold on to something that doesn't serve you. Something that's not working. Of course, charts aren't destiny and you can spin all these placements in a more positive light. I'm just struggling with that right now. 

"The Frug" was featured in a movie called "Desert Blue," which featured performances by Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci, both fairly young at the time. It was an alright movie. I probably wouldn't have watched it if I'd never heard this song. That's probably not the most glowing review but it's an honest one. It came out in 1998 - that will be obvious once you watch the music video.

"The Frug" Video

"The Way" by Fastball

I've always found this song unsettling. It's subject matter is disturbing and yet, it's insanely catchy. For those who don't know the back story, Fastball's front man, Tony Scalzo, was inspired to write "The Way" after hearing about an elderly couple who disappeared on the way to a local Texas festival. Their bodies were found two days later, in Arkansas, nowhere near where they were supposed to be. No one really knows what happened. The general assumption is that, due to issues with their memories, they got disoriented on the trip and came to a tragic end in a ditch. The story is haunting for so many reasons. This was Scalzo's romanticized take on the incident. He imagined that one morning, they woke up and decided to take off - like when they were young. No cares in the world. They got in their car and just drove for as long as they could. Without telling anyone their plans. But can you imagine how frightening that was for their family? I can, which is why I can't imagine ever doing anything like that on purpose. If I disappear, something is wrong. Very wrong.

You can see their shadows

Wandering off somewhere

They won't make it home

But they really don't care

They wanted the highway

They're happy there today, today

I think the thing that creeps me out most is this story really happened. It's a common tactic for marketing horror movies, to say it was based on a true story. It's effective, because it plays on people's deepest fear - that their darkest imaginings, the worst case scenario they've built up in their head, is not as ridiculous as they've been led to believe. For example, "The Strangers," which is based on a French film, "Ils" (Translation: "They"). In both these films, the protagonists - who are new to the area - are terrorized by local children. That's the twist at the end of these films - the monsters playing with them are children. These film are an amalgamation of actual crimes that happened in America and France, where people's homes are broken into and vandalized while they were at home. In some cases, the victims were murdered. Like all urban legends, there's a tiny grain of truth in these cautionary tales and that's what makes them scary. It could happen. I knew a guy who it happened to. Norman Bates in "Psycho" and Buffalo Bill in "The Silence of the Lambs" were based on Ed Gein. And one of the most chilling short stories I've ever read - "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" by Joyce Carol Oates - is about the Pied Piper of Tucson, Charles Schmid. There's no shortage of inspiration, if that's where your mind is going to go.

I, for one, lost my taste for "based on a true story" type shows a long time ago. I watched a lot of "Law & Order: SVU" and "Criminal Minds" when I was younger, as a budding amateur psychologist. After I became a mom, watching those shows made me sick to my stomach, because they were too true to life. I know all the statistics. At any given moment, there is between 25 and 50 active serial killers in the United States (for some reason, we have a disproportionately high number of serial killers). When I hear a news story about a lost child, my brain automatically runs the numbers - if it's been more than 24 hours, the child is probably dead. More than likely, it was one of their relatives...and a sickening number of times, the perpetrator is one of their parents. And I just can't even. Monsters are real. Give me ghost stories any day - the real world is way more scary than Cthulhu and Baba Yaga ever could be.

"The Way" Video

"Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins

An oldie but a goody. This song showed up in my music video mix recently. Another one of my comfort zones - late 90s soft rock. This song came out in 1998, over two decades ago. I've been feeling a little nostalgic lately. Maybe nostalgic isn't the word, but just reflective over the past decade.  Random memories keep flooding in - things I haven't thought about in years. As they come up, I just try to make peace with them and let it go. It's not something that's easy for me to do - I have an excellent memory and a mind that tends to dwell and over-analyze on things well past their expiration date. According to Wikipedia, this song is about a girl who is feeling depressed as she contemplates her own mortality and how her life has gone so far, as she slowly succumbs to addiction. Yep. Super cheery. To be honest, tonight is a throw-away song and I'm running out of songs that I don't have a rant brewing for. Some of the rants are super long and I just want to chill and watch a movie tonight. Because I never get to watch movies anymore and I love watching movies.

She still lives with her mom

Outside the city

Down that street about a half a mile

And all her friends tell her

She's so pretty

But she'd be a whole lot prettier

If she smiled once in a while

`cause even her smile

Looks like a frown

She's seen her share of devils

In this angel town

I remember a game we played in my 9th grade social studies class as an icebreaker. It was a BINGO type game where you had to find a person that fit the description in each box and they had to sign their name next to the description - things like "Owns a dog" and "Can play an instrument." There was a box that had "Watches 5 movies a week" and that's the one I usually signed my name in when people came up to me. After the 20 minutes or so the teacher gave us to play the game, she went through all the squares, asking who was the most common person who signed for each of the descriptions. When she got to the movie question, she scoffed and said, "if someone watches 5 movies a week, they don't have a life." I remember being so crushed and embarrassed. I felt like I was such a weirdo and wanted to disappear. Now that I think of it, it's not weird. Most movies take about 2 hours and the average American watches like 4 hours of television a day. At least I was watching art instead of reality TV. When my dad was home - and he was deployed for most of my high school career, so this wasn't often - we'd watch something on Turner Classic Movies almost every day. I've probably seen basically every WWII film made in the 60s. Everything with Audrey and Marilyn. Most films starring John Wayne. Now that I'm older, I'm aware that other people share my interests, but back then, it was just another reason why I didn't fit in. More than anything now, I'm aware of how much impact a judgmental comments can make on people, even if we think it's just a throwaway comment. There's this question floating around Astrology Twitter and I was struggling to think of a response - What's your Venus sign and what's your biggest pet peeve regarding people? I think I've figured it out, though. Venus in Cancer and I dislike when people say mean things about others because they think it makes them look cool. Ironically, it's something I used to do a lot when I was younger. I'm not proud of it but at least I understand that tearing down others comes from a place of insecurity. I can work on not being insecure - I have been working on it.

Fun fact: Angelina Jolie also has Venus in Cancer. And she's a Cancer Rising. Which makes sense because she has such big Mom energy. You have to have a big heart to choose to care for that many children, half of which are adopted. Of course, it should've been pretty obvious when she started wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. Also, getting married after like a week and tattooing his name on her arm. Sounds like Cancer shenanigans to me - and I've had my fair share of Cancer shenanigans. Scorpio Venus doesn't have the market cornered on being intense when it comes to Love and Romance - to be honest, all the water signs are pretty fucking crazy.

"Lullaby" Video

"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

This song was a favorite for me and my best friend to sing at Double Dave's for karaoke. Usually, I'd choose a really depressing Jewel song to sing (because I sing them so well - she's one of the artists that taught me how to sing via osmosis), but this was the exception. This song came out in 1997, and as you may be able to tell, it was among the various versions of Girl Power that has shaped Millennial feminism. And I'm no exception. I am what I am, I want what I want, and if you can't accept that, you can go fuck off. That's the tagline for basically all the brilliant albums by female artists that came out in the 90s. Also, Rae always liked to tease me about my crush on a fellow actor, Rob, and his inability to project his voice in the theatre unless he was cursing. Bitch was one of the words he said particularly clearly. "Four whores and seven beers ago, some women called me father...." That's a line he had in a variety show my drama club put on and it's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in an amateur production. Being that hilarious in my writing while addressing difficult subjects is what I aspire to.

I'm told I'm a "sweetheart." Mostly. I look mean but then when people get to know me, they learn how friendly and caring I can be. I will literally do anything for the people that I care about. Some examples - jump off walls, drive hundreds of miles just to visit for a couple days, change all my carefully laid plans on a moment's notice to help them out. Anything. But that doesn't mean I can't be a bitch - it just takes a lot. Usually, the bitch only comes out when I'm feeling threatened or when my tolerance for bullshit has hit an all time low (and that's really, really fucking hard to do). To some, it can come as a surprise. I'm the nicest person in the world...until I'm not. For some reason, people don't think I'm going to stand up for myself when they cross the line but - sooner or later - I always do. Because someone has to. I'm an incredibly flawed individual and painfully self-aware, and I'm working on it. But I'm the only one who knows where I've been and where I'm going.

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

It occurred to me today that there are people who already think I'm a bitch, because they don't know me very well. Mostly, people who are supposed to be my "colleagues," in theory. Ironically, they think I'm a bitch because I speak up. And I don't put up with their bullshit, like my boss does. That's okay, though, because I literally don't care anymore. My gift has always been my voice. That's why I sing and write. And why (I hope) when I say something, most people shut up and listen. And I realized that people treat me like a doormat because I don't say anything. Until I get fed up, then everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy. Fuck that noise.

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm thinking back on my trip to Boston and considering some moments that stand out, all of which happened during a drunken haze. Weirdly enough, I actually remember all the stupid stuff I do while I'm drunk. I have a theory that it's a superpower that all writers have. Back to those moments:

1. Some girl who bumped into me on accident called me the "most adorable human ever." Accurate.
2. Another (extremely drunk) young lady said I was "a true friend" because I held the door closed while she was going to the bathroom. The lock on the stall was broken and girls had been doing that for each other all night, so I just thought I was being courteous. There's a special kind of solidarity between drunk girls in a loud dance club....one that I kind of missed, to be honest. 
3. I was dancing with my sister's friend (who was kind enough to watch after me when my sister disappeared for like 30 minutes) and he asked me when was the last time I felt "this free." I replied that it had been over a decade. It was only the morning after I realized that I'd lied. I had felt that free more recently than that. I just forgot about it for a moment. I can be that free again, if I want. And I don't need to be five beers deep to feel it. 

Everything feels like a lesson nowadays. And even the light moments, like the ones mentioned, feel heavier as I get older. I was considering a quote by Friedrich Nietzche this morning - "And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally." Which sucks. You can't un-know what you know and it truly is a bitch. But I ask you - who would ever want to go back to sleep?

"Bitch" Video

"Santa Monica" by Everclear

I do this thing where I can remember exactly where I heard a song. Every time. It comes in handy when it gets stuck in my head 6 months to a decade after I initially heard it. That's kind of why I love Spotify - it saves the exact date that you liked a song. If I can roughly remember where I was in my life when I discovered it, I usually added it to my playlist around that time and can find it pretty quickly. I don't remember hearing this song when I was growing up, which is when it was popular. No, I remember hearing it for the first time in the background of a scene for "Bates Motel," a show I watched primarily because Freddie Highmore (who played Norman Bates) reminded me of Mr. Nice Guy. Ironically. In the scene, Norma Bates is driving around the new town they moved to - a move she makes after the death of her abusive husband. The music selection in those first couple episodes was almost too fitting.

I am still living with your ghost

Lonely and dreaming of the west coast

I don't want to be your downtime

I don't want to be your stupid game

"Santa Monica" is about choosing to move on. However, to say this song is about moving on would be an understatement. It's about moving on after you've hit rock bottom. When you stop, realize what is actually happening and decide to do something different because continuing with your existence the way it is would be unbearable. This song is about how hard choosing yourself can be when you've chosen the path of self-destruction for so long. It's a process. The temptation to look back - maybe even return to old ways - is ever present. Self-destruction can look like many things - drug/alcohol addiction, self-mutilation, habitual promiscuity, staying in a toxic relationship or a relationship where you feel unloved and unwanted. The lyrics are framed as if he's singing about leaving such a relationship - a relationship where he's clearly more invested than the other person. However, you could interpret the lyrics as trying to get away from other addictions as well. To understand how, you have to understand the mindset Art Alexakis was in when he wrote "Santa Monica."

Alexakis had a rough childhood. His father left his family. He was bullied by the kids in his neighborhood (which was not exactly what you'd call a "good" neighborhood). He spent a lot of his adolescence trying drugs and drinking. His older brother died of a heroin overdose and then his girlfriend committed suicide. After all this, he found himself on the Santa Monica Pier with his pockets filled with sand and lead, intent on jumping into the ocean to drown. He didn't succeed, of course. He said he heard his brother's voice and that motivated him to survive the attempt. It also inspired him to write "Santa Monica." Since that time, he's lived a sober life, became a Christian (but not the evangelizing kind), and has become an advocate for drug awareness, gay rights, and children's programs. Not what you'd expect of a rock star but you'd be surprised how many musicians end up on similar paths.

I am still dreaming of your face

Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away

I don't want to be your good time

I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore

I'll walk right out into a brand new day

Insane and rising in my own weird way

I don't want to be the bad guy

I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore

I found myself ruminating on these lyrics all day, particularly when I got stuck in the supermarket after a spectacular miscalculation in my choice of check-out lines. The lyric that always catches me (and the one that caught me while watching the show) is "I don't want to be the bad guy." That particular line resonates me because I'm realizing that I've spent a lot of my life concerned about that. I don't want to be the bad guy....so I don't voice my needs or enforce my boundaries. I don't want to be the bad guy so I forgive the shitty friend who was talking behind my back. Within the context of the song, he doesn't want to be the bad guy for walking away from a person/situation, even though it was lowering his self-esteem. Because, when you do that, when you make a choice that is purely in your best interest - others will call you selfish. You don't want to hang out with your friends anymore, even though they encourage to drink and do drugs? You want to break up with someone who is only with you when it's convenient for them? You're a terrible person....

Except you're not. Not even close. How many babies have you sacrificed today? Zero?! Those are rookie numbers, you gotta pump those numbers up! Seriously, though, sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to realize that choosing yourself is the only way to get unstuck. There will be these moments in your life when you have a chance to look in the mirror and see yourself. Really see yourself, without all the delusions clouding your vision. And it takes a lot of courage and strength to admit, "I'm fucking up. I have to change something or else, I'm going to wind up dead." Or worse....expelled. Unfortunately, the most impactful changes aren't the easiest. If drinking a green smoothie every morning could fix depression and low self-esteem, that would be amazing. However, it's not. Sometimes it involves cutting contact with people you've known forever, going to rehab or therapy, quitting the job you hate, being celibate for a year, or being committed to a healthy lifestyle. And you have to be prepared for those moments of weakness, in the beginning. For example, I occasionally think about going out and getting really drunk, especially when I'm not feeling social. I usually get a wave of that when I'm the lame-o who orders a blackberry lemonade when everyone else is on their second mixed drink or beer. But I can handle that. On my worst days, I still seriously consider maybe not eating for a week, because I know it will make me less anxious. Then I remind myself that "Skeletor" isn't a good look for anyone. Those lapses happen. Once in a while, you'll get it into your head that giving in to those temptations are what's best for you and you'll have to find out the hard way that they aren't. That's okay. If/when they do happen, you just have to remember what you want and walk away from things that don't lead you there.

"Santa Monica" Video

"Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette

I've been feeling stressed out lately. For a myriad of reasons. The house is a mess. Work is unseasonably busy. My current world is chaos and there's so much to do that I find myself at that point where I'm so overwhelmed I literally don't know where to start. When stressed out, it feels like I have no brain cells at all. And worse, no creativity either. Everything I write sounds like shit to me (and, yes, this post does too, so my apologies). But, as I've said, I hear messages in music and Alanis is one of those artists who I always resonated with. "Jagged Little Pill" came out when I was 8 years old. I grew up on this shit so, please, inject it straight into my veins. Morissette was only like 20 years old when the album came out and it ended up winning Album of the Year at the Grammies, the youngest artist to win that award...until Taylor Swift won it 2010.

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

"Hand in My Pocket" is about embracing the contradictions within yourself and your life, and just letting things be. It ain't that serious. Even when it seems like it is. It's one of the more light-hearted, humorous songs on the album, which might be why I've always liked it. Humor - or, at least, the ability to see the humor in dark situations - has always carried me through life. I've also made it a practice to accept that I have always been a bundle of opposing forces. I can't just be one thing, because I feel like I'm everything at the same time. Always. It's infuriating. Sometimes, I wish I could focus enough to be just really great at one thing, but then something else catches my attention. Always the Pathological Generalist. But I find that this also makes me really good at talking with people, because I always know at least a little bit about whatever the other person is interested in (at least enough to be dangerous) to get the conversation started. There's a positive and a negative side to everything. Some days, it's just harder to focus on the positive. That's a skill you have to take time to master, even if you're naturally good at it because, man, sometimes feeling bad feels oh so good. And it's a great excuse. But, I'm trying not to rely on excuses any more, because I know better - when you're a person who genuinely has the ability to regulate their mood well, your emotional state really does become a choice and you start realizing that - most of the time - the thing that's making you unhappy is you.

I bought an oracle deck called "Threads of Fate," which is specifically designed for doing shadow work. To be honest, I prefer oracle decks to tarot cards - I understand the mechanics and symbolism of tarot, I just don't really feel anything unless the artwork deviates greatly from the traditional symbolism (the only tarot deck I really resonate with is The Slutist Tarot, and that artwork is very obviously non-traditional). Oracle cards are different. I feel like oracle cards are more like introspective conversation starters. You're not asking the cards a question, they are asking you. The first card I pulled from the Threads of Fate deck was the Paradox card, which addressed this idea of non-duality. Some people really struggle with this idea and society has a tendency to reinforce duality. If you are successful, that means you can't be lazy. If you're highly intelligent and rational, you can't be emotional and illogical. There's a heavy emphasis on permanence, but ultimately, permanence is an illusion. Everything is temporary, everything is always in a state of flux, including your being. And yet, at your core, you are always you. These aren't competing ideas - it's just how things are. In order to embrace non-dualism, we have to embrace transformation. Embrace change. And embrace how things are in the present moment and not fight to keep things the same as how they were in the past. It sucks, because - due to the way our brains work - the past can seem deceivingly nice and warm and fuzzy. So we cling to it because we think that if we hold onto it, life will be that way again. That's just not how life works. Every moment is different. Even if it seems familiar, there's something unique in each minute and second that can never be regained. It's important to stop and recognize this from time to time. And take note of how you're feeling, too, because that will tell you everything about what direction you need to go.

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

I hope July ends soon. Honestly, I'm ready for it to be 2020 already, because this year has been both taking forever to get through and yet going way too fast. Another one of those contradictions that makes things feel chaotic. I know it's not, though. There is a plan and a pattern, and it will make sense when it's all said and done. "I open at the close." Just gotta keep meditating and plodding along with faith in my path. And, as Alanis said...Everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine. 

"Hand in My Pocket" Video

"Perfect" by Alanis Morissette

Finally. The end of a rough week personally and an overall rough month writing-wise. Which meant I was racking my brain to find the perfect song for today. I was thinking about how to wrap up this month, and the biggest thing is that its incredibly important to heal the inner child. I didn't get a chance to tackle that much this month, but it has been important to my growth, just to understand why I do some of the crazy things I do. That's part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy - you have to understand why you keep doing a behavior in order to correct it and get to the place where you want to be. To go with this final archetype, The Child (just like every archetype has a shadow side, every archetype can be translated into a younger version of itself), I went back to my childhood and one of my biggest hangups - the need to be perfect. Thankfully, God herself ("Dogma" reference, in case you didn't catch that) already wrote the perfect song for that.

Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" is one of the seminal albums of my childhood. There's a reason it's considered one of the best albums of all time - not only does it encapsulate the sound of a decade, the music within is so raw and honest that it speaks to everyone, regardless of gender. Alanis Morissette writes and sings like she's spilling her heart out through the music. Just FYI - her Moon is in Scorpio. I read on Twitter that artists that share your moon sign just hit you differently - I think, in this particular case, that is true. There are two songs on "Jagged Little Pill" that are painful for me to hear - the first is "Mary Jane," which is about teenaged depression, and the other is "Perfect," which speaks to generational trauma. Both would've been good to use today and the entire album is worth a listen if you have time.

I'll live through you

I'll make you what I never was

If you're the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I'm doing this for your own damn good

You'll make up for what I blew

What's the problem, why are you crying

As I've said before, I feel very lucky to have what I've learned from my childhood. No, my childhood wasn't great - it was lonely, tumultuous, and I had to grow up way faster than anyone should have to. But, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I would never have known why my mom acted the way she did. I wouldn't have learned that this pattern didn't start with her and that she had her own pain to sort out. Or why my dad made the choices he did. That's something a lot of people never get - to understand at an early age that their parents are flawed humans. A lot of times, children have a habit of lionizing their parents, turning them into superheroes or martyrs or some combination thereof. But, when you accept the reality - that your parents have an identity and history completely independent of you - you start to see the patterns. Likewise, parents tend to treat their children like "mini-me's," as a reflection of themselves instead of seeing their child as a separate person who can and will make their own decisions when they're old enough to do so. If you think back clearly, you might notice things they harped on were probably things they were insecure about themselves. For example, if they weren't good in school, they may have pestered you about grades. Or if they were insecure about their appearance, they may have tried to control how you dressed or appeared in public. It is important to remember that their insecurities have nothing to do with you and do not have to become your insecurities.

I noticed troubling patterns when The Husband and I first started dating. I would get upset at little things and start fights, because that's the only way I felt he cared. I'd act really catty and jealous around other girls, when I had no reason to be. I'd use the silent treatment liberally, expecting him to know what was wrong and then getting unreasonably angry when he couldn't figure it out. I was just a generally unpleasant and bad girlfriend. Around my sophomore year, I started going to therapy at my school, which luckily offered free sessions to students (if you're in college and your school offers free mental health assistance, I highly recommend taking advantage of that. Yes, usually you'll be paired with a psychology/counseling grad student but if you need a psychiatrist, there's one or two of those floating around too). During those conversations, we sorted out potential root causes of my problematic behaviors and I learned more healthy coping methods than what I had grown up using (which, as I've said, included not eating when things felt overwhelming). As result, I became a better functioning adult. It didn't heal everything but it was a start. And that's the important thing - you have to be aware when you're slipping back into old, unhealthy patterns. The only way to do that is to continually do the work.

The Inner Child is foundational for shadow work, soul work, light work, magic work - whatever type of work you're trying to do. Not addressing a wounded inner child will act as a block for coming into balance with all the other archetypes. It sucks but there's no way around it, so consider the following:

• What things really trigger you when a loved one does it? When I say trigger, I mean actions that evoke a extremely strong, negative response, to the point where you feel it in your body. You either tense up, become really scared or really angry, you might have trouble breathing or feel light-headed - you'll know it when you feel it. Once you identify those things that make you have that negative reaction, ask yourself why. Hot tip: These are also some of your boundaries - make it known that these actions bother you. If someone truly cares about you, they'll make an effort to stop doing those things. Yes, after sufficient healing, they might not bother you as much but, until you get to that point, the people in your life should respect those boundaries.
• What things are you overly critical with yourself for? Do these things tend to "flaws" that your parents/caregivers were focused on the most?
• What are the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Are they things you avoid doing now?
• Do you find yourself engaging in the same patterns your parents did? Essentially, are you acting like your parents? If you are, is that something you want? If not, are you consciously trying to change your behavior?

Since it is so important, you should know that you can start healing your inner child today and it's super easy. 

1. Start talking to your inner child in a loving supportive way. I know this sounds like hippie dippie bullshit, but psychologists highly recommend it. You don't have to do it out loud - it can be as simple as writing a letter to your younger self. 
2. Do something you loved doing as a child. For example, I really love to play on the swings - in this case, I could go to a park and swinging for a half hour. Or restart collecting Barbies (that's a slippery slope, though - I already have too much stuff). Again, it doesn't have to be anything big. Small steps are okay. 
3. Look at pictures of yourself as a kid. You weren't always an adult - it's okay to remember that. 
4. Start being kind to yourself. Start talking to yourself as you would your inner child. Encourage your own interests, be patient with your process, be curious, and don't be ashamed to be yourself. It's normal for people to stumble and fail - you (hopefully) wouldn't lay into a kid for making mistakes, so don't do it to yourself.

“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.”  - Jim Henson

"Perfect" Video