Fall is for Lovers ("Fair" by The Amazing Devil)

For a brief period this past Spring, I became obsessed with this song. It never fails to make me feel a certain way and isn't the point of all art to make you feel something? As such, on quiet nights when sleep eludes me, I find myself listening to it while I drift off. I'm sure when my Spotify Unwrapped for 2023 comes out, it will be there glinting embarrassingly close to the top of my most played songs for the year. Oh well, who cares? It has a calming effect on me. And it makes me feel somewhat hopeful, even as I find myself growing more cynical of fairytales and love stories as time passes. This song romanticizes the mundane aspects of real true love - not the love you see in the movies, but the love that echoes in quiet moments over coffee between two people who seem like they've known each other for ages. Even if the time they've shared is much shorter than that. 

It's what my heart just yearns to say

In ways that can't be said

It's what my rotting bones will sing

When the rest of me is dead

It's what's engraved upon my heart

In letters deeply worn

Today, I somehow understand the reason I was born

Today, Venus is moving into its home sign of Libra and this song, in my humble opinion, is very Venus in Libra. The lyrics are poetic and subtly dramatic in their wording, yet it's sung in such a soft, pretty way, that the intensity is rubbed smooth. The first verse, which I've featured above, almost has a Scorpio quality to it - talking about rotting bones and being carved into hearts - but instead of coming off with crazy, stalker-ish vibes, the singer is painted as devoted and endearing. A little less Joe Goldberg, a little more Gomez Addams, please. Libra, as a sign, is deeply connected with partnership. And while it's one of two signs the Goddess of Love calls home, it's the one more closely connected with romantic love whereas Taurus is more closely associated with self-love. Taurus placements are thought of as more independent, whereas Libra placements hint more at interdependence (or even codependence, in a harsher interpretation). 

She promises to fight them all when it all becomes too much

And he, he curses at the world

For leaving him behind, and he's falling out of touch

And she is stronger than he's ever been, he knows

She brushes her hand through his hair

He's got so much fucking hair

And he holds her close, just to keep the world at bay

And when they're sure no one can hear them

She'll turn to him to say, she'll turn to him and say

Libra also rules over the aesthetic, intellectual qualities of Love. As a Venus-ruled Earth sign, Taurus is grounded in the physical aspects - luxurious settings, decadent meals, and, of course, sex and sensuality. By contrast, Libra, as an Air sign, is often in the realm of the mind. As such, it embodies Love as an idea and it is commonly associated with the arts and the artistic aspects of romance and beauty. Love songs, poetry, dancing (especially ballet), opera, plays, paintings and novels depicting great romances, and romantic films all fall in the domain of Libra. Libra is also considered the sign of balance and harmony. It's fitting that this song's title is "Fair" - it's a word with dual meaning. It could mean that something is just and impartial, or it can mean someone/something is beautiful. Both meanings fall squarely in Libra's wheelhouse. And in this song, the lyrics declare that it's "not fair" to love someone so much. The question is: fair to who? It's not clear, as it seems both sides love each other very much. Maybe it's not fair to the rest of the world? Or maybe it's just something sweet they say to each other when they're overcome with emotion. The lyrics read much like a private conversation of moments in a loving relationship.

"I've seen enough, " he says, "I know exactly what I want

And it's this life that we've created

Inundated with the fated thought of you

And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all

Like petals in a storm

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? Beyond that they're sung beautifully (we'll get to that in a minute), they beautify some of the mundane moments in a relationship and give them a sort of mythic quality, as happens with memories. We start at what I imagine is the beginning of their relationship, when they're in the talking stage. And the guy is trying to make her laugh, because he enjoys making her happy. And that's one of the clearest signs a man has feelings for you - when he just wants to make you laugh when you're feeling down. My husband has said as much - it's important for him that I laugh at his jokes, even the lame ones. I don't always but if he can at least make me smile, he's broken through my icy façade and he's won. Then the song transitions into something more serious - he's watching her get dressed, supposedly after they've made love. It's not clear if it's the first time or the hundredth time. In fact, it's not clear if they've been together for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or a few decades. Maybe it's all of them at different points in the song.

It's also important to note that this song switches points of view throughout. Yes, it is a man singing and that's the POV for most of the song, but her thoughts and voice will peek through occasionally so we can see how she feels. We know he makes her ache (the bastard!) but we don't know if this is from laughing too much or because he makes her cry. (Probably both.) We can imagine her lamenting that he has so much fucking hair while she's trying to run her hands through it. And we know that she's the more grounded one, because she stays calm when he thinks the world is falling apart. She doesn't get tossed up in the storm. And she simply smiles at his overdramatic verses. Finally, we know she thinks he's "the cool guy" and it baffles her that she's with him. That last line in the second chorus - "'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool" - always gets me. I've always felt deeply weird and out of place. Decidedly uncool. And I remember all of my crushes on people starting the same way - gosh, I want him to think I'm cool. In fact, I remember distinctly packing for a week-long trip with someone and choosing my clothes with the intent to "look cool." Did it work? Perhaps. I just feel silly now for putting so much effort into it. But I was young(er), and when you're young, things like that matter more than they should.

"It's not fair, it's not fair how much I love you"

It's not fair, 'cause you make me weep

When I'm just tryna watch The Office with my yoghurt"

And she'll say

"Oh, how, oh, how unreasonable

How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do

I'll spend my days so close to you

'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool"

The Amazing Devil is an alt-folk band created by Joey Batey and Madeleine Hyland. And if that voice sounds familiar, you must be a fan of Netflix's "The Witcher." Joey Batey plays Jaskier, Geralt's bard companion who popularizes his exploits in song. And Batey definitely has the voice (and the face) of a bard. Indeed, I will agree that Henry Cavill grimes up good, but I couldn't help but fall in love with Batey's portrayal of the fun-loving, lascivious troubadour. And while "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" was hella catchy, I think a lot of it's success was Batey's strong, clear tenor that didn't feel at all out of place in the fantasy landscape of the Continent. "Fair" is off The Amazing Devil's second album, "The Horror and the Wild." Most of the tracks on this album evoke the whimsical witchiness of the title - a key quality that drew me to their music - which is why a soft ballad like "Fair" stands out. Madeleine does not sing on the track (even though I love her voice too...quite theatrical), though I think it could be turned into a duet easily. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned it into one during live shows. 

"How unfair, how unfair, " they'll sing

As they dance across the darling rooftop wreck

He'll trip, and she'll pretend not to have seen

Burying her head into his chest

And clinging to the moment, "Where have you been?"

She'll whisper, "I've waited, oh, so long for you to come"

And as the stars above them hum and hear them

He'll turn to her and say, "That's what she said"

To quote a YouTube comment I found on one of The Amazing Devil's videos when I was researching for this post: "The Civil Wars left a gap in my life that this band is filling." And though I don't feel the same intense chemistry that existed between J.P. White and Joy Williams (which was rare and exceptional...and undoubtedly fueled the rumors that led to their breakup), I don't think it's needed. Sometimes, you just get two voices that blend well together and songwriters who have a similar aesthetic and musical inclinations. There's still magic in that.

"Fair" Video

Accept the Loss ("Let It Go" by Lo Spirit and Chandler Leighton)

One of the actionable habits to reach my writing goals in 2023 is to read more books about the writing process and put the knowledge to use in my own writing. Thus far this year, I've read "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott and recently, I finished reading "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg (and I read this because it was recommended in "Bird by Bird"....you gotta follow the breadcrumbs). I loved "Writing Down the Bones" because - in addition to her advice being both practical and easily digestible - she describes the process of writing as a lifestyle. Because that's what it is. It's not a habit, it's a way of looking at life. And that's how I've always seen it. I write because I have some sick obsession around releasing my thoughts and my story into the void. Although I'm grateful for you (i.e., whoever is reading this) and I hope you get something out of it, I honestly don't care if anyone reads it. The mere fact that it's out there is enough. Every published post brings with it a relief I've rarely found in any other part of my life. But there's also a pain and a struggle to it that isn't easy to convey.

Goldberg draws a lot of her guidance for writing from other writers. Sounds legit - I do the same thing. I follow a number of other writers on Instagram, from aspiring novelists like myself to more established authors (reference my rant about V.E. Schwab earlier this year). In "Writing Down the Bones," one of the chapters defers to Jack Kerouac's advice for better writing and she identifies four that have shaped her writing journey:

• Accept loss forever.
• Be submissive to everything, open, listening.
• No fear or shame in the dignity of your experience, language, and knowledge.
• Be in love with your life.

Guess which one I've struggled the most with, especially in recent months.

No peace of mind

It's all I've ever known

My hands are tied

I pretend I'm fine

But my thoughts aren't my own

So I just lie

'Cause I hate not bein' in control

Accepting loss feels too much to me like giving up. And I really don't like giving up, not when I've put so much hope and time and devotion into something. Not when it means leaving something that was supposed to be wonderful unfinished, because leaving it unfinished means it wasn't as wonderful as I thought it was. Not when accepting the loss means that I sunk so much effort into a situation that maybe wasn't worth it. I have to remember this is a normal human experience. So normal, in fact, that it has a name - the "Sunk Cost Fallacy." After investing so much time and effort into something - a relationship, a home, a job - we are reluctant to abandon it, even if doing so would be more beneficial. Even if walking away from the thing will eventually make you happier than you would be if you stayed. So we stay and we throw more time and energy away, hoping it will get better, even though we have a sinking feeling it won't, despite our best efforts.

Natalie Goldberg explains it is important to accept the loss because only then can you process it and use it for inspiration. When something is on-going, we're hesitant to write about it. We're too worried about what other people will think. Or maybe the situation will get better and we'll regret what we wrote because it casts others in a negative light, even if we were writing from a place of honesty and authenticity. Or, most often, we're holding onto a fantasy that provides comfort, even if it's not the most helpful thing for us. If we write it down, all the delusion fades and what you're left with is broken shards of reality for us to examine. That guy wasn't Prince Charming, he was a narcissist who played on your earnest belief in true love and soulmates. That workplace wasn't your second home, it was where your hard work was exploited and devalued. Your childhood wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, you just spent a lot of time in your imagination because you were severely neglected. Those sentences hurt, don't they? Good. Now that you've pulled the knife out, you can heal.

All I do is, all I do is, run away from, run away

All the things that I can't change, like

Growing older, growing older, being scared of, being scared of

Losing friends and staying the same

Waitin' to feel like I'm someone again (Hm)

(I'm just waitin' to feel something)

'Cause I'm tired of bein' the way that I am (Oh)

I learned recently that it's pretty normal to forget about childhood and, inversely, when people do remember things about their childhood, it's usually the traumatic stuff. Even people with an abnormally good memory (and I would count myself among those people) tend to forget as they grow older. Things are supposed to get fuzzy and less clear. Taking that into consideration, I remember nearly all of my childhood. Sometimes so vividly that I have to remind myself it was a long time ago. There are good memories but I realize now huge swathes of that time were not normal things for children to experience. This is one loss I've accepted - I will never get my childhood back. However, what I'm finding is that - after I accepted this - I've really started to understand how my childhood shaped me. I have this intense fear of rejection, which results in either extreme attention-seeking or withdrawal. I simultaneously want others to know me yet hide who I am out of self-preservation. I seem like an open-book but I'm actually really secretive - I'm really careful about who I provide details of my life to. Even so, I'm not above admitting I've made a few bad judgement calls. And now there are people out there walking around knowing exactly how to manipulate me to get what they want. I'm trying to get over it, but accepting that loss - that I've misplaced my trust and must reap the consequences - is a hard pill to swallow.

And I can't seem to let it go

All of this noise gets stuck in my head (Stuck in my head)

And I can't seem to let it go

Tune it all out so I can forget

But I can't seem to let it go

I've thought about writing a fictionalized (or maybe even a partially honest) version of events down, in these situations, like Anne Lamott suggests in "Bird by Bird." It's my story, why shouldn't I? Anne Lamott would say fuck the other people involved, tell the truth - but fictionalize parts so you can avoid lawsuits. (This is a paraphrase but that's the gist of her advice towards the end of the book.) You're not writing it down for them, you're writing it down for you. But that seems decidedly one-sided to me. It's not the whole truth, only one part - should I really write down my naive, delulu (gen Z for "delusional") perspective on the roaring (and at times, boring) dumpster fire that is my life? There's a version of the story where Romeo & Juliet are star-cross'd lovers doomed by fate and a version where they're stupid, selfish teenagers. Both versions are true, in some sense. The truth is always somewhere in the middle and more nuanced than we realize. 

Maybe the solution is to write down both. And let the reader decide.

It's messed up

But I'm scared of what's in my head

And it's fucked up

That I'm scared of what's in my head, what's in my head (Oh)

I found Lo Spirit on Instagram when "Running up that Hill" by Kate Bush was having its resurgence of popularity and everyone was doing a cover of it. Lo Spirit did a cover that sounded (and this is how he advertised it) as if it was sung by My Chemical Romance. It's a great cover - highly recommend - and since I liked his style, I went through the rest of his discography on Spotify. He's a new artist so there's not much, but he's been gradually adding more as he releases stuff (which is often featured in his IG reels, as is true with all up-and-coming artists). I found "Let It Go" at that time and fell in love with it. But over this summer, I fell into a minor depression episode - a lot was going on, not least of which was the death of my beloved paternal grandfather - and I found myself playing this song on repeat. I'm feeling better after a couple months of good cries, self-care, and finally taking some actions I should've taken years ago. But when I was in it, the thing that frustrated me most was why I couldn't just get over certain things. Why I couldn't just move on from the situation? Why was I still hoping things - people - would change? It wasn't just sadness I was overtaken by, but a deep well of anger, carrying out shadow arguments in my head with people who weren't there and didn't care. And when I wasn't angry or crying, I was hollow. That was the worst part. I don't want to be just going through the motions. I want a life of purpose. Anyway, "Let It Go" gave voice to a lot of what I was feeling and became one of my favorite songs to pole dance to. It has a dramatic rhythm to it - it ebbs and flows with the verses, and then the bridge comes crashing down at the end (which is a good backdrop for some of the more impressive pole tricks I know). Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did! Video below.

"Let It Go" Video