"Out Tonight" as performed by Rosario Dawson in "Rent (2005)"

I was fairly obsessed with this film when it came out in 2005 and this is my favorite song in the musical. There's something about it I deeply resonate with. More on that later. Let's lay the foundation first. "Rent" is basically a retelling of Giacomo Puccini's opera, "La Boheme," - in fact, it's a running joke that all the songs that Roger writes (during a heavy bout of song-writer's block) sound like Musetta's waltz, an aria that features heavily in Act II of the opera. Both the musical and the opera follow a cast of characters - some lovers, some friends, all tied together in various ways - trying to find beauty, love, and purpose in a harsh world where Death is not only inevitable but a spectre who looms ever so close over their daily lives. Though separated by a span of a century, the themes presented are universal and keenly felt, making the narrative of "La Boheme"/"Rent" timeless.

The character who sings this song, Mimi, is somewhat doomed in both the opera and the Broadway musical. "Rent" provides a somewhat happier ending for her but even then, her story is a tragic one. Mimi is slowly dying in both stories, the only difference being the disease that leeches her vitality. Obviously, in the opera, it's tuberculosis, which consumed many impoverished artisans in the late 1800s/early 1900s. In "Rent," Mimi has HIV, which had an equally grim prognosis in the late 80s. While people who are HIV positive may live decades today with proper treatment, the likelihood of receiving proper treatment was low and the progression to AIDS within a few years was a real possibility. Not so coincidentally, contraction of tuberculosis is one of the highest risks for people with untreated HIV. It's important to note that Roger's obsession with getting to Santa Fe wasn't just a whim. At the time, New Mexico was the only state whose Department of Health recognized the dire need to focus on treating HIV/AIDS and subsequently established a program in 1985 that provided financial assistance to patients with the disease. In his mind, it was the only idea that would lead to him and Mimi living a long, happy life together. In the opera, Mimi dies. In "Rent," she appears to die but then comes back to life....but for how long? We want to believe she and Roger will grow old together, but there's a dark reality underneath the forced happy ending.

This song showcases the essence of Mimi's character, who wants only to be young and free, but whose life is punctuated by deep pain, anxiety, and regret due to her illness and addictions. On the surface, she seems carefree but her lively facade hides a penchant for self-destructive tendencies. Dating married men way older than she is (who couldn't care less about her well-being). Getting lost in the false high of drugs and alcohol (mostly heroin). Using her flirtatiousness and sexuality as a shield. In short, she's a teenager who is scared out of her wits and is desperately distracting herself with whatever is available. Her relationship with Roger is what helps her see the truth that's before her - that her destructive tendencies are as much to blame as her illness for why her life is a mess. She separates from him because she fears her self-destructiveness will destroy him, too. An act that, though misguided, is one of pure love. She is his muse and when she leaves, she becomes Roger's obsession. In the end, they are reunited, if only for a moment.

In the evening I've got to roam

Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome

Feels too damn much like home

When the Spanish babies cry

So let's find a bar

So dark we forget who we are

But all the scars from the nevers and maybes die

It's Libra season, my lovelies, and thus begins the season of shadow work. Nope, it's not just Scorpio who thinks too deeply - Libra, being an Air sign, is all about thought and mental clarity. Libra has an obsession with balance and equality, especially when it comes to relationships, and that is never more clear than when I talk to my older sister (whose birthday was yesterday). It never ceases to amaze me how she can keep juggling so many balls (hobbies, passions, relationships) without dropping from exhaustion. I bring that up because I find myself falling into a pattern I seem to repeat when I feel overly stressed and emotional. That is - I pretend everything is fine and to prove everything is fine, I take on more and more things until I'm too exhausted to even think about the original problem. Much like Mimi, I lose myself in the distraction of chaotic and fun moments to avoid the hollowness of existence. In these moments, I will often schedule several things to happen on a specific day and then marvel that I'm able to get all of them done. For example, I recall one day in high school where I participated in a choir competition, left the competition to get fitted for my costume in the school play, went back for the second half of the competition to cheer on my best friend, then afterwards went to some kind of school social event, before ending the day doing karaoke at Double Dave's. This is just one example of many. I'm good at time management, so I don't really think it's a good excuse to say you're too busy. Because what you're really saying is you don't want to do something, because people can make the time to do anything if/when they really want to.

I'm finding myself doing that again, especially with social engagements. This will probably hurt my introvert cred, but I enjoy being around people. Yes, for a long time, I wondered if it was because I hate to be alone. That's something I was prone to do in college - if the night ended too early for me with one group of friends (which, as a shameless night owl, almost always did), I'd turn around and find someone else to hang out with. The fear of loneliness may have been a real issue once but it's not anymore. However, maybe a little bit of alone time might be good for me. As you may have guessed, I have been feeling a bit uninspired to write - well, at least, uninspired to write in this blog. Offline, however, my mind has been churning on other projects. Mostly angry poetry. Incredibly dark and angry poetry. Not so coincidentally, I've been listening to a lot of NF (whose music I find almost therapeutic in its honesty) and other NSFW tunes. Don't know what I'm going to do with it - probably just stuff it in a drawer - but for now, I've been turning my attention inward. Hopefully it yields results.

"Out Tonight" Video

"The End of the World" by Skeeter Davis

::WARNING:: Due to the subject matter of the film I'm drawing this song from, this post may go a little dark. ::END::

I saw "Girl, Interrupted" when I was 13 years old. It's based on Susanna Kaysen's memoir of her time spent in a psychiatric facility after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My parents (specifically my mom) called me into the living room and said I should watch it because I'm like the main character. That's fun. Being told you're probably as fucked up as someone who has a legit, diagnosable psychological disorder. The irony is that it's my mom who has BPD, which is exacerbated by also being bipolar (these tend to be co-morbid). It's a form of gaslighting but I didn't realize it then. The person says you're crazy when you react like a normal person in an intense situation, and so you start to wonder if you're justified in feeling the way you feel. Weirdly enough, if you point out that they're overreacting to a situation, they get even angrier and the reaction gets even more out of proportion (learned that the hard way). I spent a good deal of my early life convinced I was crazy and worried I'd turn out just like my mom. This fear colored many of my life choices. I was scared to have children because no one deserves a childhood like mine. No child should ever be afraid that any slightly wrong move will set off their mother. No husband should walk on eggshells to avoid saying/doing something that will piss his wife off for seemingly no reason. Even now, I'm very careful and measured in how I express anger, especially around my son. In some ways, I think this has made me better person but in other ways, I wonder if I suppress my own needs and feelings just to avoid conflict. To avoid having my emotions invalidated again, because they so often were. Just another pattern I have to navigate and break out of.

Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when I lost your love

After taking abnormal psychology, I became more concerned I did have BPD, based on the symptoms, and it didn't help that my stress reaction was to yell at my boyfriend (now husband) for ridiculous things. I also took on more risk-taking behavior that only certain people knew about. It felt like my identity was fractured. Like I had to be another person depending on the situation/company - and those personas were often drastically different. During the height of the troubles with my mom, I did end up going to see one of the psychologists at the university. Yes, I had an eating disorder slowly taking over my life and was severely depressed (both as a result of my childhood), but no BPD diagnosis. Coincidentally, after my mother started treatment for her mental illness, my mood swings and identity instability got a lot better. It's almost like having a traumatic stimulus removed helps with healing. That was sarcasm, if you didn't get that. Of course removing traumatic stimuli helps with healing! It's well-known in psychology that it's almost impossible to get better in the same environment where you were originally wounded. That being said, going home this past weekend was not as triggering as I thought it would be. But it was triggering....just not in the way I expected.

It's hard to face and accept one of your biggest failures. For me, it's accepting that I can't make my mother better...nor is it my responsibility, even though it feels that way. I did the best I could, given the circumstances, but love isn't enough. I've also learned and realized things about my parents relationship, which I've somewhat idealized for a long time. I don't know much of what is real, anymore, and I'm profoundly humbled by this. I've always known that very little was in my control but this is the first time I've actually felt it and been content. I don't want to force things anymore. It's pointless. The past is past....and the past is means nothing if your present is terrible. If people leave, they leave. If things don't go the way I'm hoping, I can't do much about it. The only thing that matters is what I do next. What's the next step? It's a hollow feeling, but it's freeing. I know I've said it before but I'm almost certain I mean it this time - I'm all outta fucks to give.

Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye

I've rambled enough in self-pity for now, but I did want to take a moment to talk about the scene where I pulled "The End of the World" from. It's probably one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever watched (and, as a horror fan, I've seen some fairly disturbing shit). Susanna (Winona Ryder) and Lisa have escaped the mental hospital and have holed up in Daisy's new rental house. Lisa (Angelina Jolie), a sociopath, has started an argument with Daisy (Brittany Murphy) in which she insinuates that Daisy likes being sexually abused by her father. While Lisa and Susanna are out, Daisy slashes her wrists and hangs herself. When they discover her body, "The End of the World" is playing. Over and over and over. Lisa says they have to go and starts looking through Daisy's room (while her body hangs there) to find cash so they can continue on their way. For Susanna, though, this moment is a catalyst. She's disgusted by Lisa's callousness and refuses to go with her. She realizes that she doesn't want to end up jaded like Lisa but she also doesn't want to destroy herself, like Daisy. In order to avoid both these tragic outcomes, she must commit to getting better. She returns to the hospital with renewed purpose and essentially becomes a model patient, focusing on her therapy and her writing. "Girl, Interrupted" is a hard film watch for many reasons. I do see myself in Susanna, which is scary. But I also see aspects of myself in Daisy, which is scarier. However, I like to think I've been blessed with a level of self-awareness that keeps me grounded.

"The End of the World" Video

"Only Hope" by Mandy Moore

I love this song and wanted to figure out some way to feature it. "A Walk to Remember" is one of the quintessential romance movies that defined the Millennial ethos on Love. Between this movie, "10 Things I Hate About You," "Save the Last Dance," and "Titanic," it primed an entire generation (especially the younger half) to believe that love can overcome insurmountable obstacles. Even Death, as it turns out. As one of those hopeless people who still believes in true love - real True Love - I've decided to take a closer look at how the romance movie formula takes shape and how that affects the trajectory of the Hero's Journey.

I was recently considering the effect meeting an authentically beautiful soul has on the Hero and his trajectory. In a lot of romance movies - especially romantic tragedies, such as "A Walk to Remember" - one of the two main protagonists is one of these Beautiful Souls. Often times, they are so Pure of Heart that it is to their detriment, and they begin the story as outcasts or ignored because their authenticity makes it difficult to blend in. The Beautiful Soul is often the female lead (there's a reason for this and we'll get to it), but it can be the male lead, as we see in Moulin Rouge. This character generally has a flat arc, in that they believe in something ardently and their entire storyline is centered around testing that conviction. For example, Christian in "Moulin Rouge" believes in Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love. Above all else, Love. For Jamie (Mandy Moore's character) in "A Walk to Remember," she truly believes that Landon (Shane West) is a good person, despite the bad, hurtful things he does. This character's mission is to show the other protagonist, through the example of their own authenticity, how to believe in whatever the Beautiful Soul already has faith in. The other protagonist is charged with going through the transformation - to have faith in something, even if it's fleeting. Satine believes in the power of Love before she dies. Landon believes that he's a good person and continues on the path of good, even after Jamie dies. Oh yeah - that's the thing about romantic tragedies - the characters involved usually aren't supposed to be in love with each other for certain reasons, often societal (i.e., race, age, socioeconomic disparities, betrothal to another, long-standing family vendettas) or biological (i.e., a terminal illness, a curse that can't be broken, or Death in one of her other unfortunate guises). Usually someone dies. That is the core choice of the Hero's Love Story - they make a choice to fall in love, even though they know they shouldn't. Even though they know it is short-lived. True Love doesn't always last forever for many reasons, but it would have if circumstances were different. However, it always leaves the protagonist fundamentally reformed as a more authentic version of themselves. This is the alchemical process of the Hero's Journey - to turn lead into gold and often the medium that helps the Hero achieve that is some combination of Love, Faith, and Courage.

There's a song that's inside

Of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write

Over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again

Let's go into what makes a fantasy romance, because the "Like Stories of Old" channel I've been watching brought up some good points that I only just realized are essential to romances. First, the Lovers are put into a position where they are forced to get to know each other. Some examples: They are stuck together on a long train ride, spending the summer vacation in the same location, or they are working together on a play. In some cases, such as in "A Walk to Remember," they may have been aware of each other for a long time but only get to know each other as a result of being put into a situation where they must interact. Whatever the circumstances are, they always remove whatever barriers there are to the romance and support further intimacy between the characters. Second, they both make the choice to fall in love together. There is no chasing - there's no need for it. The process feels abnormally natural, such that there's no awkwardness or the awkwardness is gotten out of the way relatively quickly. It usually helps that the characters, at least internally, are caring and romantic. They do believe in Love, even if previous experiences have made them cynical. Finally, the circumstances are only there for a short amount of time. It's not that the love has a shelf-life (True Love doesn't and will stick around long after the protagonists separate), but the opportunity to enjoy the romance is short-lived. Reality will come crashing in eventually and separation is inevitable. That's the difference between a romantic comedy and a romantic tragedy. If the characters are reunited, it's a comedy; if the separation is permanent (or if they can only be reunited in death), it's a tragedy. 

The scene in "A Walk to Remember" where "Only Hope" is featured is one of my favorite scenes in film. It's during the school play and Jamie is singing the song, during which, she looks like an absolute angel. This is a key point. This is the "Meeting with the Goddess" moment on Landon's journey, where the full weight of Jamie's beauty, kindness, and general good-ness cannot be ignored. He can't look away - everything has been unveiled to him and he must make the choice to pursue it. And he does, with a simple kiss, which is implied to be unscripted. There's also a moment at the end where his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend gets visibly jealous at seeing them together. That's often another element in romantic tragedies - there is another woman, often a femme fatale, who cannot stand to see the Goddess triumph. This woman is not always linked romantically to the Hero. Sometimes, shes simply jealous of the Goddess because of her beauty and/or talent, such as Nini in "Moulin Rouge." Or it's an overbearing mother who doesn't want her daughter to waste her life on a man she deems as unfit ("Titanic" and "The Notebook"). In the end, this leads to another test for the Lovers - often the ultimate test, before they finally end up together (for however long Fate decides).

It should be noted that this song is actually about Jamie's faith in God, but the lyrics were written purposefully so that it could be inferred that she was referring to her growing feelings for Landon. I could keep ranting because I'm pretty sure I missed a few points that were jumbled in my head earlier today, but I'll keep that to myself (or, more likely, write an entire literary analysis that I don't show anyone). Enjoy the following clip from "A Walk to Remember"!

"Only Hope" Video

"Before I'm Dead" by Kidneythieves

We're going to stay within the Vampire Chronicles, simply because the "Queen of the Damned" was one of the best soundtracks that came out of the early 2000s. I could do a post on every single song on the album, it's that good. I've been watching this YouTube channel about the different ways film addresses meaning, through philosophy and metaphysics. It has illuminated some of my favorite movies in ways I have never thought. One of the ways the channel accomplishes that is through discussing different character archetypes and, of course, how those archetypes play out on The Hero's Journey. One of the videos I watched today mentioned that the Hero's Journey always begins with an initiation. A transitional experience (and often, a choice) the Hero must encounter in order to cross over from the profane world (that which know as ordinary reality) into the sacred world. In the video, the narrator stated that in the modern era, our encounters with the sacred world are becoming more sparse. Entry into the sacred world used to be something every human experienced, because it was baked into our tribal culture through rites of passage. Now, a contemporary human may go their entire lives without passing through any barriers into transcendence. The irony is that society has invented pseudo-initiations to fill in the gap, but very few things come close to the transformative event that is described in the Hero's Journey.

This discussion of the sacred-profane dichotomy brought to mind the Order of the Talamasca. The Talamasca is a secret society in the Vampire/Mayfair Witch Chronicles that was established to keep watch over the world of the paranormal. As desperately as I wish such a thing existed, the most disappointing thing about this secret society is it is purely academic - or it's meant to be. Their motto is "We watch. And we are always there." But that's all they're supposed to do. However, it's an occultist society and you can imagine the type of people it attracts. Naturally, it attracts people who feel out of place in the profane world. People who, without proof, believe that something more must exist. Or they come from lineages well-steeped in the mysterious and supernatural. Some of my favorite characters in the Chronicles timeline - Jessica "Jesse" Reeves and Merrick Mayfair - are just such people. We'll focus on Jesse, because she's one of the main characters in "Queen of the Damned." She's orphaned at a young age but is sent to live with relatives of what is referred to as The Great Family. The Great Family was born of one of the oldest vampires, Maharet, before she was turned by Akasha, who wanted to claim her power as witch through consuming her blood. The mythos of the Chronicles is intense and varied, so I'll try to sum up as best I can without rewriting the whole damn series. After she is turned, Maharet makes it her mission to ensure her descendants are taken care of. She even visits many of them regularly, though she keeps her distance. This is probably what I'd do if I were immortal. As sad as it would be, I'd still watch my son grow up. And then his children after him. And their children after them. Jesse knows Maharet as her aunt but has always felt drawn to her and the forced distance has always weighed on her heart. Jesse has natural psychic gifts of her own, which is how the Talamasca finds and recruits her. However, she is charged to watch the supernatural world but be not of it. Ultimately, she cannot uphold that promise, because it is built on an unstable foundation. It goes against her soul and there is nothing so untenable as trying to keep a promise that is in conflict with your soul. The irony is that the Talamasca is filled with people who long to join the sacred world, but most are too cowardly to face the initiation and so choose to dress up their cowardice as "academic interest" or "serving the common good." They hide behind societal morals and ethics, always with one toe on the threshold but never daring to cross.

Epochs fly, reminds me

What I hide, reminds me

The desert skies

Cracks the spies

Reminds me what I never tried

The ocean wide salted red

Reminds me what to do before I'm dead

Some do, though. Jesse does, in the end. As does Merrick Mayfair (although that's an entire novel on its own). And, of course, the ethereal beauty of the Mayfair witches draws in its fair share of male Talamasca members, most of whom suffer an unfortunate fate. They forgot the most important guideline - never fall in love with a witch....not even once. The only thing almost as tragic is having a vampire fall in love with you, which is what happens to Jesse. To be fair, Lestat has a habit of falling in love with everyone, so she's kind of the rule, not the exception. Still, Lestat offered and she accepted. That's the difference. To go on the Hero's Journey, when presented with an opportunity, you must accept it. Yes, in some cases, the Hero is forced onto the path but there is always a choice to not continue. There's always the option to go back to The Shire and live out the rest of your days peacefully. There's nothing wrong with this except that you'll always be haunted by the "what ifs," which isn't so bad. You can be haunted by "what ifs" for opportunities that weren't even possibilities for you, anyway, so it seems a small price to pay for a comfortable life. It just seems like a shame to merely taste the extraordinary only to go back to the mundane, with very little to show for it except memories. In order to be transformed, you have to be immersed in the sacred fully and come out the other side. One must walk through flames and allow the old self (i.e., the ego) be utterly destroyed. But you must go in willingly, with no illusions of security or comfort. Only then can the Hero emerge.

"Before I'm Dead" Video

" Sonata in E-flat Major for Piano, Hob. XVI:49/II. Adagio e cantabile" by Joseph Haydn

Exhausted yet again but I decided to try for just a short Song de la Nuit and wax poetic for a few minutes about one of my favorite literary characters. I saw "Interview with the Vampire" during my formative years and I remember the first time I watched it distinctly because my dad was building "bunky boards" for our new bunk beds. I'm fairly certain I was about 8 years old. No, my parents really didn't care what we watched when I was growing up (or even noticed, to be honest), which is why my knowledge of late 90s/early 2000s horror films is quite extensive. They also didn't take notice of what we were reading, either, which is how my sisters and I became big fans of Anne Rice. We even have copies of the BDSM erotica she wrote under the nom de plume A.N. Roquelaure. As you may have guessed, Lestat de Lioncourt is the aforementioned favorite literary character.

Assuming you've read all the Vampire Chronicles, like I have, Lestat has a somewhat checkered past. As a reader, your perspective on Lestat gets skewed because for the first book and the majority of the third, you see Lestat through the eyes of all the other characters in the books. Some think he's nuisance, others look up to him like he's a mentor (including Louis - you don't see this in "Interview" but Louis is quite devoted to Lestat as a dear friend after the events of that book). Some vampires believe he's their savior, others think his actions put all vampires in danger. However, you can only understand Lestat after reading his story in his own words, through the text of "The Vampire Lestat." Lestat is...complicated. He's not a bad guy, as you might think if you had only seen the movie. Honestly, the 1994 version of "Interview with the Vampire" makes him out to be more of a villain than he is. To really understand Lestat, just look at the first people he decides to turn into a vampires - his mother and his best friend/first love. Lestat suffers greatly from a fear of abandonment and every action he takes is to keep the ones he loves in his life. And one by one, the outcome is always the same. Nicholas resents Lestat for turning him and commits suicide. His mother, Gabrielle, leaves him during their wanderings to experience the freedom she never could've had as the wife of a French aristocrat. Marius sends him away after he awakens They Who Must Be Kept with his violin playing. And then there was that whole debacle with Claudia murdering him to run away with Louis. Needless to say, it's a common theme in his life. For all his efforts, his lesson on the Hero's Journey is how to be alone. Ironically, that's the most unbearable thing about immortality. Immortality comes at the price of watching everyone you love die around you, unable to prevent it yet also unwilling to join them in the after life. The Gift of Agelessness becomes more of a curse for those who have not mastered the ability to be alone without being lonely.

It is this dislike of being lonely that tempts him to do stupid things, like in "The Tale of the Body Thief," where he trades his immortal body for a mortal one for a day. Unfortunately, the body thief does not intend to return his body and Lestat realizes his foolishness. After nearly losing his immortality, he somehow ends up meeting the devil, drinks the actual blood of Jesus Christ, and by the end of the entire series of books, Lestat is basically the most powerful character in all of fiction. It's a crazy ride. At the latest point in the Vampire Chronicles (which Rice is still adding to), Lestat is nearly impossible to kill - though many have tried - and he's looked at as kind of the King of Vampires, even though he's reluctant to take on that role. That's the thing about building great characters - they have to always be evolving, while still retaining their core personality. One of the things I liked most about the Harry Potter books is that each book had a different tonal quality, which showed Harry's progression throughout the series. For example, in Book 5, Harry was pretty much a whiny, emo bitch so that book was all about him getting over his bad self, because taking action based on the ego always leads to bad times. Yet, in spite of all his missteps, it's his dedication to being courageous and loyal to the side of good that stands out. It's the same with Lestat - as he gains more experience, he goes through a transformative change with each new novel. The current Lestat is way more humble and understanding than newly turned Lestat ever could've been. That being said, he can still be a little extra at times - there's a reason people call him The Brat Prince. This is (or should be) how we take on our own lives. With each new chapter, we have to remember we are not the same person we used to be and yet the same person we always were. It's confusing. But if you get it, you get it. And if/when you do get it, I feel like it makes life go a whole helluva lot smoother, even when things start to get crazy in your external world.

"Lestat's Piano Sonata" Video

"Downtown" by Majical Cloudz

I've probably mentioned this before but my favorite Major Arcana in tarot is "The Star." It comes immediately after "The Tower" and there's a reason for that. The only way to survive the Tower crumbling and falling apart is having faith that you can rebuild whatever was destroyed. Not only rebuild, but make it greater than it ever was. With that in mind, I found myself ruminating on the difference between faith and hope. I've decided that hope is more uncertain and comes with expectations. Because it comes with expectations, we're always looking for confirmation, because ultimately, hope is built on shaky foundations. We don't really believe the implausible can happen, even though we really really want it to. Faith, on the other hand, is a deep knowing that something is true - regardless of what reality presents itself as. Some may call this delusion. And, in our darkest moments, faith does feel like delusion - so much so, that most abandon it. To continue believing, in spite of everything you see, you have to keep trusting that little voice inside that keeps telling you what is true. Because faith shatters your expectations altogether. Given this, I struggle with the balance between hope and faith. I wonder which one I really have.

I've been watching "The OA," which I highly recommend. There's been a recent fight to get Netflix to make more seasons, and I can understand why. It is good. So good. However, the premise requires an open mind. It addresses those questions of faith and hope and what happens after we die. Are we more than a brain trapped within the confines of a body? In order watch "The OA" and take in the message it has to offer, you have to be able to suspend what you know and have to be willing to accept that there's so much we don't know. In fact, that's the entire concept of the show, as far as I've watched. I'm going to try not to give away too much, but the show is about a woman (who calls herself The OA) who has escaped being held prisoner and she's trying to save the people she was imprisoned with. Including a man she loves dearly. In order to save them, she has to use her knowledge of the world beyond, which she gained during a series of Near Death Experiences (NDE). But her plan requires bringing others into the fold. Others who have already been jaded by life, even though most of them are so young. And she has to make them believe.

Faith is an essential component of The Hero's Journey because, inevitably, the Hero will face a tower moment where all their beliefs, hopes, dreams, and aspirations seem impossibly out of reach. It's usually after the first big battle of their journey. They've already gone through a major transformation for the better but they go into the battle arrogant. They've let their ego run the show and for that, they've faced a major defeat. Their perception of their identity has now been completely destroyed. They are nothing and no one once again. And they must answer those uncomfortable questions that have been looming since the beginning of their journey - questions only they can answer. Am I really on the side of good? Does magic exist or is it all in my head? Is True Love even real? Was it worth leaving the comfort of home? Do I have what it takes to accomplish my mission? They have been swallowed up by the void, consumed in total darkness. In order to get out, they have to believe that there will be a light if they keep going. Even though they can't see it, they have to know it's there. And in a situation where they could literally go any direction, the truth is that the only way you can go is forward. You can't erase past - honestly, the past might as well not exist. All that matters is what the Hero chooses to do in this moment. It might take a long time but the Hero eventually takes a leap of faith (his second on the journey) and puts one foot in front of the other.

There's one thing I'll do

If it ever goes wrong

I'll write you into my all of my songs

And if suddenly I die

I hope they will say

That he was obsessed and it was okay

'Cause we're going downtown

And we feel like running around

Is it really this fun when you're on my mind

Is it really this cool to be in your life

This song accompanied the climax of "The OA's" fifth episode. This episode was especially emotionally charged, for several reasons. Over the first few episodes, a connection between The OA and another prisoner (Homer) has been building. It's a weird type of intimacy because they begin as strangers. She can't even see him in the beginning, because she's blind. They have no privacy and, just because of the situation, they are forced to be vulnerable. They can't even touch each other but they become closer than most couples. They don't owe each other anything, they haven't promised each other anything, but the unspoken understanding is there. Unfortunately, in this episode, there comes a point where Homer seemingly betrays The OA, which is what their captor wanted. To break The OA's spirit, because her strength is keeping the other prisoners going. Until this point, it seems that OA derives her hope from Homer, so his betrayal hurts her deeply. Make no mistake - she has been broken. And she's forced to see through her hope, to recognize that he's just another human, and that they are in a truly impossible situation. The OA is finally met with her greatest failure, her most keenly felt weakness. At this point, she must decide if everything she's learned in her NDEs is a delusion or something more. It takes a moment but she continues working on her mission to escape. At first, it seems like she's going through the motions but then her passion rebuilds. Then, in a symbolic gesture of apology and to reassure her that she isn't crazy (that she's not the only one who fell in love), Homer joins her in working through the plan. And, at the end of the episode, they make a miracle happen. Together. The magic that they create inspires faith in the other prisoners that there is a way out of their prison.

The entire show is intensely metaphysical and I've derived some very beautiful lessons out of it thus far. Truths I very much needed to be reminded of. I find myself in the unenviable position of being deep in the wilderness. Deeper than I've ever been before, if that's possible. It's never been this hard for me to rustle up the purity of intention needed to power through the thicket before me. I will, though. It's just taking a minute. On the bright side, I did discover that "The 10th Kingdom" is available on Amazon Prime so I've taken a brief break from watching "The OA" to enjoy something a little lighter for a moment. 

"Downtown" Video

"A Whiter Shade of Pale" by Procol Harum

This is one of those songs you've definitely heard before but never knew who sang it. It's one of those dream-like songs from the late 60s that you're not sure really existed outside your mind, until you hear it in the background of a show or movie. Every couple of years, this song pops into my head, which eventually gets me yearning to watch "The 10th Kingdom." "The 10th Kingdom" is one of my favorite mini-series of all time. Weird favorite to have but it's definitely up there with "Gormenghast" (it's okay if you've never heard of this one, because it's rather obscure....my sister and I discovered it on PBS and were obsessed momentarily) and "Pride & Prejudice" (the one with Colin Firth....which is the only acceptable adaptation of P&P in existence). "The 10th Kingdom" is your typical quest story, with a female protagonist named Virginia. As you may have guessed, it's a twisted fairytale, where the fantasy world is just as fantastic as one would hope but still weirder than anyone could imagine. This is the point in my rant where I point out that I had a celebrity crush on one of the lead characters - yes, Virginia's love interest was exactly my type. Wolf, played by Scott Cohen, is a roguish werewolf with shaggy hair, piercing eyes, and a perpetual five o'clock shadow. Throughout the mini-series, he struggles with taming his animalistic instincts (which is mostly just being sex-crazed and overtly aggressive in his romantic pursuit of Virginia) because it always seems to get him (or Virginia) into trouble. He's also torn because he has inadvertently fallen in love with Virginia, but he's pledged allegiance and loyalty to the Evil Queen (more on that later). Overall, Wolf is a surprisingly complex character because, as the story progresses, his narrative reveals why he is the way he is. Because the viewer sees this development, it becomes understandable and even desirable for him to get his happy ending, too, in spite of the "bad" choices he makes in the beginning of the series.

Scott Cohen as "Wolf" in "The 10th Kingdom"

As much fun as Wolf adds to the plot, we mustn't forget that "The 10th Kingdom" is ultimately about Virginia's story. When we first meet Virginia, she's a responsible waitress living a predictable and lonely life in New York City. We learn that, at some point, her mother abandoned her and that she's spent the majority of her childhood looking after a lovable but somewhat foolish father. She's not really interested in doing much of anything, including dating. Thus, the stage is set - our Hero, who believes in nothing but the mundane world she knows, will now be met with Destiny and be called to adventure. That adventure turns up in the form of a golden retriever, who is actually a prince from a fantasy realm you can only get to via mirror portal. Of course, she thinks it's just a dog at first, until weird shit starts happening, including the arrival of a handsome stranger who keeps threatening/joking that he's going to eat her (you can read into that as much as you want...I'm not going to spell it out for you). Long story short, she ends up in a quest to the 9th Kingdom (in case you were wondering, the 10th Kingdom is NYC) to return the Prince to his rightful form and function.

As I've mentioned before, in The Hero's Journey, there comes a point where the Hero must address long-standing issues and underlying pain with one or both of their parents - The Atonement of the Father. In the Heroine's Journey, this is often in the form of Reconciliation with the Mother. In Virginia's case - although she is hesitant to admit it - her mother's abandonment has left a deep wound. She blames herself for her mother leaving and, thus, has been avoiding happiness and intimacy. Eventually, we discover that the Evil Queen is Virginia's mother, who ran away to the 9th Kingdom after having a mental breakdown and nearly drowning Virginia. The audience learns that Christine married Virginia's father, but subsequently fell out of love and became disillusioned with her life. Instead of facing that reality, she chose to escape to a fantasy world instead. Towards the end of the series, Virginia has an opportunity to confront her mother for having abandoned her. I can't remember the details exactly, but it wasn't a pleasant conversation. Unfortunately, in some stories, the protagonist's fears are confirmed. Their mother really didn't love them or their father is disappointed in them and will never be proud. This is just another trial the Hero must see through 'til the end. At the end of Virginia's quest, the Evil Queen is still intent on continuing her plot for world domination and will stop at nothing to make it happen. Virginia ends up killing her mother in self-defense, which saves the 9 Kingdoms, but will certainly add tons more in therapy costs when she returns to New York.

She said, 'There is no reason'

And the truth is plain to see

But I wandered through my playing cards

And would not let her be

One of sixteen vestal virgins

Who were leaving for the coast

And although my eyes were open

They might have just as well've been closed

Joseph Campbell asserts wholeheartedly that we are able to apply the Hero's Journey in our own lives, so what can we take away from Virginia's story? I think it's a lot about facing uncomfortable truths, especially those about our parents. This is hard. For children, their parents seem like mythological figures, particularly in the first few years. It's not until we're disappointed by our parents that we begin to realize that they are mere mortals, like us. That they had/have their own dreams and aspirations, their own pain, and definitely their own insecurities. As a parent, I know I myself feel the pressure to maintain that facade of being the all-knowing, all-wonderful Mom, but that's not reality. And I've always believed that honesty is the best policy when it comes to children, because the thing that makes children feel the most insecure is when they aren't given the opportunity to understand what's going on. Obviously, children don't need to know everything about a situation - no one does - but they at least need know enough to recognize that it's not their fault. I am lucky that, in recent years, I've received more clarity about my childhood. That's allowed me to not only to show compassion and forgiveness towards my parents, but also towards myself. That's part of the Hero's Journey, too. To not only recognize your faults, but to embrace them, because they will help you understand what you need to continue with the journey.

"A Whiter Shade of Pale" Video

September Theme: Where have I heard that before? Part Deux

Friday was a slow day at work and I found myself in an intensely philosophical discussion with my coworkers about the Hero's Journey and the trajectory of a character into good versus evil. I posited that one of the key moments in the Hero's Journey where it has the potential to turn into the Villain's Journey is the Atonement (or lack thereof) of the Father. The examples we discussed were Voldemort and Kylo Ren (aka Ben Solo). Especially concerning Kylo Ren, there's this question of whether or not he can be redeemed. However, in general, killing your own father (sorry if I spoiled that for ya....it's been like 5 years) is a point of no return. You've already chosen the path of evil, any seeming good that you may do from that point on is in service of whatever twisted purpose you're pursuing. The discussion spurred me to actually go out and buy "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell, which I've been meaning to do for months now. Maybe I'll actually know what I'm ranting about for once. The Hero's Journey, although dressed in the trappings of comparative mythology, is ultimately about the search for meaning in the human experience. Joseph Campbell draws from psychology, religion, and spirituality to weave together why this particular plot line is so universal. From the knowledge of the literary journey of our favorite protagonists, we are able to draw vicariously from their experiences and develop our own sense of purpose. The Hero's Journey mirrors the Human Journey - remembering that turns every story we consume into a guide we can use to lead us to - and through - our destined paths.

Whew! Got a little dramatic there but I cannot overstate this - I've read about 20 pages in this book and it is already deep, dense, and heavy. It also has a lot of footnotes, and that's just about my most favorite thing in the world - a book with lots of footnotes. As the title suggests, I would like to revisit November 2018's theme again and dive deeper into the pop culture quagmire that we call civilization. I hope to put some of my newfound understanding to (somewhat legit) use by applying it to films and TV shows I've enjoyed throughout the years. It may get a little introspective, but I think all art - yes, even humble blog posts such as this one - are reflective of the people who create them. It's just that some introspection is more overt than usual. Of course, I plan to pull songs from the chosen media to highlight how music plays it's own unique part in narrating the human experience.

That's enough for now. With that, I leave you with the following pithy Internet quote: