"Dream On" by Aerosmith

My plans for writing these past few days were thrown out the window when I had an unexpected family visit. Although I had a lot of other songs I wanted to write about this month, I only have one night left. And I had to make it count.

As I've said before, this year has been something else. I won't call it bad, because it wasn't. But it was...different. I've never felt more delusional and crazy at times during 2019. And, yet, I've also felt freer and more myself than I have in the past 30 years of my life. I'm a lot closer to something akin to balance than I have ever been and for that, I am grateful. There was a period, earlier this year, when things were extra tough and all my efforts seemed so futile. Then, one morning, "Dream On" came on the radio....and it was the first time I had actually really heard the song. Mind you, I grew up on Aerosmith. They are part of my musical DNA, on par with the likes of Stevie Nicks, David Bowie, Queen, Cher, the Beatles, the Stones, the Doors, and Elton John. However, you can hear a song every single day and still not understand it. Then, all of a sudden, the lyrics take on this weight and meaning that they didn't have the day before. And you can't un-hear it, because it's in your soul now. That's basically what happened to me that day and I couldn't think of a better song to encapsulate my mentality going into 2020.

Every time when I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by, like dusk to dawn

Isn't that the way

Everybody's got the dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know it's everybody sin

You got to lose to know how to win

"Dream On," much like "Carry On Wayward Son," captures a specific moment in the Hero's Journey that is absolutely essential in the creation of a legend and the plot of a story. It's the point where the Hero has wandered into the Abyss, unsure of how to get back. S/he has faced a crushing defeat and has to question everything s/he's believed up until that point. Every choice, every wrong turn, every decision made is called up for review. In many ways, it is the lowest point in the journey and what the Hero does next determines who they become. Assuming they choose to embrace their destiny (to be the Hero), that's when s/he realizes....there were no wrong turns, only lessons that helped them become the person they needed to be in that moment. To conquer the next challenge. To overcome the biggest obstacle in the Hero's Journey, which is always self-doubt and fear. It's when the fire returns and they go on to conquer these fears and redeem themselves for their past mistakes. After the Tower has collapsed, the Star comes out. Whether or not you choose to follow it is always your choice. And don't worry - there's plenty of Stars and it's never to late (or too early) to start following one.

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Most recently, I had a dream that I had to fill up a pool with salt water using a wooden bucket. Even in the dream, it was understood that this was a lesson in character building. I mean, the pool did need to be filled for some reason but there was probably an easier way to do it. However, I knew intuitively that the point wasn't to get the water to the pool, it was to grow stronger and more patient in the process. I've been pondering this, as well as some thoughts I heard on a podcast regarding Jupiter in Capricorn. Jupiter is a benefic planet, meaning that - when it's well placed (as it was in 2019, when it was in Sagittarius, a sign it rules) - it lends an expansive, lucky energy to everything it influences. However, in Capricorn, Jupiter is in its Fall. Now, bear with me because I'm just now starting to understand the essential dignities of each planet, but what that means is that Jupiter's influence is severely handicapped. The luck is more in seeing the lesson for what it is, not that you'll get anything tangible out of the experiences you have. The astrologer went on to say that, in 2020, the skies are kind of against us. So if we want a happy ending, you have to be willing to work for it. There ain't no magical transits coming to save us in 2020. Fortune will favor those who are willing to dig in and create their own magic. Who can see the Abyss in front of them and are willing to walk into it anyway. Even if their compass is sorta broken and they traded their last candle to a traveling bard for a really cool looking grimoire. The way I've read the energy for 2020 - astrologically and empathically - is that we're all headed for a major course correction in some way. Regardless of how that plays out for each of us, what matters is who we choose to be every day. If you're not working to be who you want to be every single day, 2020 (and every year after) is going to fucking suck for you. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

However, if you are trying to embody your Destiny and your Highest Self - by trying to bring your thoughts, words, and deeds into alignment - I have just one message for you in the last moments of 2019....

Dream on, my dear Hero.

"Dream On" Video

"Drops of Jupiter" by Train

This has been a favorite throughout the past two decades (it came out in 2001). I just got back from a long car trip and I'm not feeling all that great so not much to say. I haven't meditated a week. Honestly, I've been so tired, I've mostly slept. However, I felt like I should post something and this song came to mind.

I looked up the song meaning - it's about the death of Pat Monahan's mother. I found his thoughts on it kind of poetic and beautiful: "The best thing we can do about loss of love is find ourselves through it." The less personal interpretation, which also came from Pat Monahan, is that it's about "a woman who is strong and has to find out who she is and a man willing to let her do that."

Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there's a-room to grow, hey, hey, yeah

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

I'm afraid that she might think of me as

Plain ol' Jane, told a story about a man

who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

I find that the further I go down this road, the softer I get. After many years, I've realized that - if you're doing this right - that's what is supposed to happen. Wisdom doesn't make you more inflexible, more stubborn, more closed, more unkind, more hard. It does the opposite. And I wonder what it must seem like to the outsider and I think this song encapsulates that. The lyrics are written from the point of view of a man who is in awe of this woman who has grown so much, even though he's mocking it a little. Just another defense mechanism. It's scary. He's afraid he's going to be left behind. Sometimes, that's what happens. You have to leave people behind, even if you don't want to. That's just how life goes. You can't do the work for someone else - that seems to be my constant lesson and yet, I can't help but feel like I should do something. Yet, there's very little I can do outside of being an example to follow (however lackluster an example that is). And being present. When I type it out, it seems like such a small contribution, but I know how important it is all the same. Because most people don't even bother. And I'm starting to bother.

"Drops of Jupiter" Video

"Over You" by Ingrid Michaelson feat. A Great Big World

This song showed up in one of my playlists at the beginning of November. At the time, it touched me deeply, and is one of the songs that comes to mind in my quieter moments. It's a simple song, lyrics-wise. The beauty is in the layering, especially during the bridge. The composition starts off very organized and restrained, but then devolves into a more emotional arrangement that's a bit messy. A metaphor in musical form. It's fitting as a duet, because you get both sides and, thus, a fuller picture of the story being told. In "Over You," both singers imbue the words with a resolute sadness, like they wish circumstances weren't the way they are but they acknowledge there might not be anything they can do about it.

Over, I'm so over you

The way that you look

In a 3-piece suit

Over, I'm so over you

The way that you held me

Like nobody else would

Maybe if I tell myself enough

Maybe if I do

I'll get over you

Maybe if I tell myself enough

Maybe if I do

I'll get all over

You

You can't force yourself to get over someone or something. I say that as a person who deals with hard feelings by powering through them. "It's going to be okay" and "I'll be fine" are my perpetual mantras. But what if...wait for it...that's not true? This is classic avoidance. I know it is. I'm not delusional. It's ignoring the pain of feelings by pretending a situation doesn't suck or that you don't care as much as you do. It's downplaying and it only delays the inevitable breakdown. With hard emotions (like grief and heartbreak), the only way out is through. That being said, I firmly believe if you're meant to get over something, you will. And it will happen quicker and easier than you think. You won't have to force it by telling yourself it will get better. After I graduated from college (which was 10 years ago this month), I never spoke to the Moviestar or Mr. Nice Guy ever again. And, now that I think of it, I was perfectly okay with that. Sure, I think about them from time to time. But it's never "I miss him" or "I wish I could talk to him." Nope, it's usually "Hmm, I wonder what he's up to." And I check social media to satisfy my curiosity, the moment passes, and I won't have another thought about either of them for months to years. To be honest, I don't even check social media anymore. Because I don't care. It was so easy to not think of them, for a long time, I seriously wondered if I was a sociopath. But the truth is I liked the idea of them more than the actual people they were. There's nothing wrong with this. But at the time, I thought I'd be a lot more crushed by their absence than I was. It was a pleasant surprise.

However, due to the Law of Opposites, it leaves the distinct possibility that there are some things/people we're not meant to get over. These are the times we usually force ourselves to repeat any number of hopeful mantras. It's for the best. There's no other option. It wasn't meant to be. But the truth comes leaking out. In a song or poem buried in a journal. On a public typewriter. Scrawled on the bathroom wall in a bar. Or in a tweet written at 3am somewhere in L.A. The latter situation is what Ariana Grande does often, when she's missing Mac Miller. There's been a lot of Mac Miller on my feed lately because his birthday is coming up soon. He died in September 2018, shortly after he and Ariana broke up and she got engaged to Pete Davidson. That was a kneejerk reaction, though. Getting engaged immediately after breaking up with someone you had described as the love of your life is one of those avoidance tactics, to prove you're over the other person. The engagement didn't last after Miller died. Don't get me wrong - Grande broke up with Miller because he was an addict and she couldn't watch him destroy himself, but I don't think she wanted to. I think she thought he'd choose her over his addiction and was devastated when he didn't. He was devastated too - he broke his own heart and went into a downward spiral, which led to his death. That's not on her, of course. However, she probably thinks of him occasionally (maybe often) and wishes circumstances had been different. It's important to note that this song ends with the chorus but it doesn't finish it. The song ends before the words "I'll get over you," leaving the future on an ambiguous note. We can never know the depths of one's heart, not even our own. Sometimes, we only ever get a "maybe" and we have to be at peace with that.

I've set this post to publish at the exact time of the solar eclipse in Capricorn. In magic and astrology, eclipses hold immense power to bring much needed change into our lives. However, you're not supposed to actively manifest during an eclipse - due to the energy being so chaotic - as it may bring in unintended consequences. It's a time to just be. To release resistance (because resistance holds you back) and stop trying to make things fit when they don't. To surrender to whatever the Universe has in store for us until the next eclipse (in June). A moment of accepting where you are, good or bad, even if you're not able to do anything about it, because the world will turn again soon and faster than you think. This eclipse is opposite my Venus and Mercury and the next Lunar eclipse (on Jan 10) will be conjunct these placements, so that sounds fun. Just kidding - it's not, astrologically speaking. Oppositions are generally challenging but conjunctions can be harmonious, so I'm just going to assume the next 6 months are going to a mixed bag and be okay with it. And, really, that's all anyone can hope for.

"Over You" Video

"Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt

I felt I'd be remiss if I didn't feature at least on Christmas song this month. I chose my second favorite, after "All I Want For Christmas is You." "Santa Baby" has two things going for it - it perfectly encapsulates the consumerist culture of the American Holiday Season and it's definitely a song you can strip to. There are many versions of this song but I've chosen the classic version performed by Eartha Kitt, because it's the version I remember fondly from my childhood.

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed

Next year I could be also good

If you'll check off my Christmas list

In recent years, I've taken to buying myself my own Christmas gifts. I never really buy myself anything during the year so I figure the Holiday season is a reasonable time to splurge. I even wrap them up and put them beneath the tree, so it seems like Santa brought Mama stuff, too. Of course, this tradition has developed after several years of me over-giving at Christmas. When I was a teenager, I got in the habit of telling my parents I didn't want anything for Christmas because I didn't want them wasting money on me. This was a mistake because they still wasted money, it was just on things I didn't want. Meanwhile, I would spend tons of money on super thoughtful gifts for everyone else. I remember one year I went all out and bought everyone l'Occitane hand creams and maple candy from Vermont, in addition to the presents I'd already bought them, which was usually something they had hinted at wanting earlier in the year. This is obviously unsustainable, which is why I keep it simple now. I buy people gift cards and I only ask for gift cards - because people usually like free money. It may be impersonal but most people usually aren't going to be disappointed, as long as you know what stores they like. This works out for my family because we're full of people who are notoriously difficult to buy for. And, no, we do not do homemade presents. If you met my family, you'd instantly understand why.

As for myself, I've got simple - albeit expensive - tastes. I'm very particular and I'm not above giving direct orders to people with "Hey, I like this...buy it for me." Which is why I'm always surprised and a little disappointed when they get it wrong. I like books and witchcraft supplies. The most thoughtful gift the Husband ever got me was "Twilight," which set off three months obsessing over the books with my roommate while I read them. It was thoughtful in that, even though I hadn't ever expressed a desire to read it, he knew it was the sort of shit I like reading and bought it for me. I like clothes from mid-range stores, fancy lingerie, and bohemian crap from World Market. I like delicate, feminine jewelry that has the potential to get lost easily and requires me to take care of it. I like luxury skincare products and expensive perfume from designer brands. And - yes - much like Eartha Kitt, I would like a yacht, a classic car (but not in light blue....gross), and (although I'm ashamed to admit this) a fur coat. However, since Santa does not exist, I'll have to buy this stuff on my own. And, to be honest, I don't mind it. It's one of the rare times of year when I can buy something for myself without feeling too guilty.

That being said, it is nice to be on the receiving end of Christmas once in a while. Maybe next year.

"Santa Baby" Video

"When the Darkness Comes" by Colbie Caillat

This song showed up on one of my Spotify mixes. I couldn't tell you which one, because I have so many. Most people only get 2 or 3 Spotify mixes - I have more like 7 or 8 because my tastes are conflicting/diverse/divergent and the algorithm prefers to only put similar genres in the same playlist. I'm all about breaking algorithms. I think this showed up in the one with all the emo music (i.e., MCR, the Spill Canvas, Breaking Benjamin). Which I find weird, because this is as dark as Colbie Caillat gets. Don't get me wrong - my inner Basic Bitch loves some Colbie Caillat but that's the shit you put on when you're enjoying a nice cup of tea and journaling about your feelings. Super girly. It probably does not belong in an emo playlist.

When I heard this song and realized it was from a movie, I instantly wanted to watch the movie because that's how I am. This song is on the soundtrack for "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" and, given how closely the lyrics match up with the events in the film, it was probably written specifically for it. I watched the movie last night. I enjoyed it but it's the sort of shit I seek out on my own - half-Angel demon slayers (called Shadow Hunters), a beautiful heroine who doesn't know how she is a part of this secret world, and lots of magic and pseudo-goth fashion. Also, it stars Lily Collins, who I think is gorgeous. She's kind of my ideal and, if I had the opportunity to choose what I look like (for example, if real life had a Character Creator -type function), I'd choose to look like her. I'm starting to realize I have a very consistent type, regardless of whether someone is male or female.

Lily Collins

Anyway, I liked the movie but they never made the sequels from the book series, which means I now have to read the book series if I want to know what happens next (Oh...How tragic.) It wasn't a bad movie, it just wasn't a popular one when it came out and I'm trying to put my finger on why. I think the reason is because Clary Fray, unlike other heroines in young adult paranormal/dystopian fiction, isn't an all out badass. She's more on the feminine side and she spends most of the movie either in awe of the magic, confused about what the fuck is happening, or enamored with mysterious Shadow Hunter, Jace. During the action sequences, she's hesitant to jump into the chaos and when she does take the initiative, her actions often seem reckless considering the circumstances. In short, she behaves like how a normal young woman would act if thrust into an unfamiliar shadow world where she doesn't know the rules. In general, the American movie goer wants their "strong female lead" to be a specific type of "strong woman." They're looking for a heroine who is skilled at and willing to engage in violence - like Katniss Everdeen in "Hunger Games" - or is the most intelligent person in the entire story, like Hermione Granger. And if she is a milquetoast female character, like Bella Swan in "Twilight," she sure as hell better not know she's attractive. Clary Fray defies these rules - upon her first encounter with the Shadow Hunters, she nearly exposes them because she's horrified by their inexplicable murder in the middle of a dance club of someone who she believes is human. She seems to be of average intelligence, with more emphasis on her creative pursuits (she's a talented illustrator and attends poetry readings for fun). Finally, she knows she pretty and often uses her attractiveness to her advantage. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that.

Now the door is open

The world I knew is broken

There's no return

Now my heart is not scared

Just knowing that you're out there

Watching me

So believe I'll be here waiting

Hoping, praying that

This light will guide you home

When you're feeling lost I'll leave my love

Hidden in the sun

For when the darkness comes

Also, there's some weirdness in that Jace may or may not be her brother. Again, there's a story behind that - I suspect he's not actually her brother and telling them this is just another manipulation by the villain in the series. However, still an iffy direction for the author to go in terms of plot twists. Especially since, when this information is revealed, it's after Clary and Jace have already had a hot make-out scene. But, hey, apparently that's what people are into nowadays.

"When the Darkness Comes" Video

"Bad Things" by Jace Everett

I meant to feature this song during September, during the "Where have I heard that before?" theme but I ran out of month. This song is played during the title sequence of "True Blood." Before Netflix got really popular and added the "Skip Intro" option, the most recent Golden Age of TV also went hand-in-hand with the Golden Age of Opening Sequences. The best shows of the early 2000s - "True Blood," "Mad Men," and "Grey's Anatomy" - had iconic title sequences to start off the show and set the tone. Netflix has been trying to bring that back - all of the Marvel shows had pretty brilliant title sequences, as do many of its other shows, but - let's face it - people don't feel like that's worth their time anymore. Which is a shame, in a way, because I know someone works really hard on those intros who I'm sure is super proud of what they created. As I was saying, the "True Blood" title sequence was wonderful, partially because of this song and partially because of the imagery used in the sequence. First off, this song is indelibly sexy, which is perfect for a show where the sexual undertones were a key factor for both its popular appeal and subject matter. All paranormal romance - no matter how "wholesome" the author tries to make it seem (lookin' at you, Stephanie Meyer and "Twilight") - is about society's uncomfortable relationship with sex. Particularly the "wrong" kind of sex, which is usually outside the confines of marriage and with people it shouldn't be with. Vampires and werewolves have an especially torrid subtext, which is why they are featured most often in these types of stories. Vampires often have powers of mind control and hypnosis - in a psychological context, seduction (even the non-paranormal kind) is about using sexuality to influence the behavior of another for your own benefit. Vampires do this prolifically, often with horrifying consequences for the victim. Werewolves, on the other hand, get at the animalistic side of human lust and the fear of not being able to control our urges for another. Again, the underlying context is that carnal lust leads to extreme pain, shame, and heartbreak for both the object of lust and the person trying to control it within themselves. The lyrics to "Bad Things" combines both of these concepts perfectly into one badass country song.

The second reason the "True Blood" intro is awesome is the imagery. As I've mentioned, I love the Southern Gothic aesthetic and the title sequence plays the song against a series of images that sum up the underlying contradictions of this style. The wholesome, hospitable image of the American South contrasted starkly against the unsavory underbelly of its history and culture, along with the heavy occult themes that give the region its distinctive flavor. "True Blood" takes place in a small town in Louisiana, deep in the bayou, where the locals seem normal enough until you get to know them. For every church, there's a seedy strip club or bar. For every welcoming face, there's a hidden viper pit of contempt and suspicion. The cinematographer very cleverly inserts an image of a Baptist church with a sign that says "God Hates Fangs," a play on the vampire underworld the story brings to the surface and the very real bigotry towards the LGBT community that exists in the South. Bigotry and standing up against it is a central theme in the Sookie Stackhouse series that Charlaine Harris used her writing to draw attention to. The diversity of characters in the world that Harris has built is definitely something to emulate as a writer. This dedication to showcasing the range of personalities within Bon Temps carries over into the show. The show does not really follow the books and, weirdly enough, it's one of the few instances where that doesn't bother me. The screenwriters took the idea - what if the invention of synthetic blood allowed vampires (and other supernatural creatures) to live out in the open? - and ran with it. Although the plot points changed a lot, they were true to the material and to the message of the story.

When you came in, the air went out

And every shadow filled up with doubt

I don't know who you think you are

But before the night is through

I wanna do bad things with you

I'm the kind to sit up in his room

Heart sick and eyes filled up with blue

I don't know what you've done to me

But I know this much is true

I wanna do bad things with you, okay

The lyrics are fairly straightforward. A man is hanging out in a bar or wherever....I don't think the lyrics mention a bar specifically, but I like to picture a dive bar with wooden accents, pool tables, and dirty glasses. And possibly a pay phone. Yes, there is definitely an old-school pay phone for some reason, even in 2019. Anyway, there's a man - probably wearing jeans, a leather jacket, and cowboy boots - sitting in a bar, minding his own business. Then, a woman walks in. He doesn't know who she is, all he knows is she's beautiful. And she has dark hair, because all femme fatales have dark hair. It's a weird theatre trope that everyone follows - ingenues (good girls) have blonde hair, femme fatales (sexy troublemakers) have dark hair, and redheads are wild cards - and when you know about it, you see it everywhere. Look at any movie with Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, or Eva Green - all excellent "femme fatale" type actresses. Moving on, she walks in and he's just consumed by her presence. He can't think of anything but bending her over one of the tables, lifting up her skirt, and just going for it. But he writes a song about it instead of talking to her. Because he's lame, in spite of his sexy voice. Obviously, I've pictured this scene a lot. It's a good scene.

And, thus, I reveal the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures. I read a surprising amount of paranormal/fantasy romance novels. I call them "junk food" books but the truth is, after reading a classic by Jane Austen or Victor Hugo, your brain needs a break. I can read these novels quickly (usually within a weekend, if I have enough free time) and they're always fun to read. Also - and I'm just now realizing it - but this is basically my genre. It's what I feel most comfortable and skilled at when writing. As much as I'd like to be super literary and write the Great American Novel™, I enjoy writing about horror, magic, fictional monsters, and sex. And the best advice I've ever heard on writing is you should write what you know and what you would enjoy reading. Write for yourself. And so I do.

"Bad Things" Video

"True Blood" Title Sequence

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

I don't like to write about an artist twice in the same month, especially when it's twice in a row. However, I'm making an exception because I find this song beautiful. Ed Sheeran could probably get any girl he wanted, in spite of his patchy, ginger beard and milquetoast British persona. You know why? Because he writes songs like this.

The music video for this song showed up in my YouTube recommendations (this is going to be a pattern for this month) recently. I was drawn to the video because the actress playing the main role was incredibly gorgeous. Which, after watching the video, make sense. She plays an Angel of Love, and most people think angels to be beautiful beings. Nevermind that most angelic lore says they have eyes all over their bodies, four different faces, and shine so brightly, humans may burst into flames if they saw one. But she's a beautiful angel and she goes around the city, shooting arrows and making people fall in love. However, she's a lone figure. Throughout the video, as she goes about her angelic business, she looks so sad and lonely. At the beginning of the video, we see the angel dead on the mattress in her loft apartment, killed by a single arrow to the heart. Later, we understand why - she shot herself with one of her love arrows so she could experience love for herself.

Give me love like her

'Cause lately I've been waking up alone

Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner

Maybe tonight I'll call ya

After my blood turns into alcohol

No, I just wanna hold ya

There has been this turn in both the psychology and spirituality communities towards radical self-love. There's a theory that you can only love someone as deeply as you love yourself. It all has to do with reciprocity. In our heads, we have a set point on what we think we deserve in relationships, which has a lot to do with our childhood and our relationship with our parents. In fact, most of it has to do with the relationships we saw in childhood. If we had an unhealthy relationship dynamic as a reference point growing up, most of the time, we subconsciously seek out that same relationship dynamic in adulthood - even when we know that's not what we want. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about this, using examples from both her psychological practice and her own life. It's a form of self-betrayal. We know what we want but we don't believe we deserve it because of that predetermined set point. Humans will rarely let another treat them better than they believe they deserve for very long. It's uncomfortable, because we're scared we won't be able to reciprocate - which will lead to abandonment and rejection. The problem is that, with each relationship that follows the unhealthy pattern, our negative beliefs about ourselves get reinforced. We're not worth the effort. We're hard to love or unlovable. Or we fall deeper into a pattern of people pleasing and then we become exhausted and resentful because it doesn't seem to ever work. For definition, self-betrayal is the process of ignoring/denying our own needs and desires in order to acquire the approval and validation of another. It usually develops early, especially when a child has a hyper-critical, neglectful, and/or abusive parent(s). Self-betrayal is a hallmark of a lack of self-love.

Self-betrayal shows up in a myriad of forms. It's pretending to not be hurt by the actions of another out of fear of being seen as too sensitive. It's allowing others to violate your boundaries constantly out of fear they'll abandon you. I could go on but this shit can be easily googled. The point is, like with all things, you can minimize self-betrayal simply by having an awareness that you're in this pattern. Then make a promise to yourself to choose differently, even though it's scary and uncomfortable. With each little promise kept, you begin to trust yourself more. You start to believe that you can protect yourself, when no one else could. And your self-esteem grows and you invest in yourself more. Finally, you understand what self-love feels like and it helps you realize that Love is not a finite resource. It's not a zero sum game. It's renewable and you're able to generate it for yourself. And being loved by another is an enjoyable bonus, not a requisite for survival. Surprisingly, this actually makes you appreciate it more. It takes strength to allow life to make you softer and more giving instead of cold and bitter. But you only understand that once you've been through Hell and back.

People who love themselves move differently. Sometimes, they come off strange to others - because the default in society has been self-hatred for so many years. We don't know what a healthy, well-adjusted person looks like because most of us have never seen one. However, there are some ways to tell when you're getting to that place. When you start to love yourself, you stop trying to impress people who are always looking for something to criticize and always blow your mistakes out of proportion, no matter how much good you do. You stop trying to get the attention of people who prefer to be distracted. You stop being someone you're not to fit into places you don't really want to be. You stop putting value in the opinions of people who don't value yours. You start speaking your mind, regardless of whether others want to hear what you have to say. You walk with purpose, you act with purpose, you speak with purpose. And you actively pursue being the person you want to be. The painful thing about this, though, is you might lose people who prefer to cling to the old version of you. But, it's easier to accept and forgive them for it, because you've been through that part of the journey, too.

I've lost the trail of what I was ranting about. I meditate before writing - sometimes the thoughts come through clearly and match up with any sentences I've written down earlier, sometimes they don't. I'm trying to be a bit more structured with my rants so that they follow in a linear, logical fashion (even though my brain doesn't really work like that....it prefers cascades and explosions of information that form tangled connections upon impact). I've also been digesting some heavy psychology concepts that aren't always easy to put into words without a lot of background information. But we're getting there. At this point in the challenge, I've done pretty well but as we approach the holidays, the posts might get a little more infrequent.

I did want to call out some musical notes for the song. During the bridge, Sheeran goes into some emotive singing. Fairly close to what the Beatles would do during the phase when they were doing Primal Scream Therapy (that's a whole 'nother rant for a different day). Ed Sheeran has one of the loveliest tenor voices in the industry today but the bridge is not pretty. The words come off desperate and it's uncomfortable to listen to - that's the point. When you feel starved of love, you feel desperate. Additionally, the album version of this song includes a second part. Honestly, it's a completely different song and feels like a hidden track because of the long break in between. It's sweet - it's got the sound of an Irish ballad, with lyrics to match. I highly recommend seeking out the full version of "Give Me Love."

"Give Me Love" Video

"I Don't Care" by Ed Sheeran, feat. Justin Bieber

When listening to this song, it is genuinely difficult to figure out when Ed Sheeran is singing and when Justin Bieber is singing. I think Ed sings the first verse and Justin sings the second verse, if I had to make a bet. (Note: When I wrote this, I had not seen the music video - turns out I was right! Also, the video is fucking lame.) As much as I don't like Justin Bieber as a person, I do like his voice. I know...I know....so shameful...

We at a party we don't wanna be at

Tryna talk, but we can't hear ourselves

Read your lips, I'd rather kiss 'em right back

With all these people all around

I'm crippled with anxiety

But I'm told it's where I'm supposed to be

You know what? It's kinda crazy 'cause I really don't mind

And you make it better like that

Today was exhausting, so I wanted to choose a song that always perks me right up. This song was released in May and it took a couple months to grow on me, but now it serves as a much needed pick-me-up some mornings. In general, I would describe myself as an introvert but I do like to be around people, even if we're not interacting. I'm very much one of those people who is totally okay with hanging out in the same room with someone while we do completely separate activities - because I like having their energy around. (Yes, I'm going to use the very woo-woo term of "energy" because I really don't know how better to describe it.) Obviously, I would prefer to be around people I like and in intimate settings (like small bars) where the amount of human energy is not wholly overwhelming. I don't always feel social, though, and as much as I'd like to be able to just turn it on, it doesn't work like that (although the right music can help). I used to be really socially anxious and as a result, I used to drink a lot more, because I'm more talkative when I'm drunk. I don't think twice about saying the sarcastic shit my brain comes up with. I'm not nervous to express my opinion or talk to people who I think are way cooler than me. It's something I had to work on. Something I'm still working on. It's not so bad anymore and, if I'm in a good mood, I don't even need a drink to feel comfortable enough to be myself.

This song is sort of like that. The lyrics are about a guy who is awkward and anxious in social settings, but when he's with his person, it doesn't seem so bad. That's definitely true. The right company always makes an uncomfortable situation a little easier. But that's another thing I'm working on. I'm trying to get better at doing things on my own, because I don't always have someone to drag along with me on my adventures. Shockingly, the Husband does not like obscure French films and isn't interested in going to local pagan arts & crafts shows. And, to be honest, doing these activities with a toddler in tow isn't always the easiest. It's uncomfortable to do stuff alone so I suspect it's probably good for me. Part of the Artist's Way program (which I'm going to give a second try in 2020) requires taking yourself on "Artist's Dates" every week for inspiration. Because you have to fill up the well or something like that. So you have experiences to draw on. Experiences that aren't colored by the presence of another person. I'm excited - I'm starting to kind of like my own company, even if that's a little arrogant to say. I'm a super awesome date, in my humble opinion. And I'm looking forward to some of the adventures I have planned for 2020.

"I Don't Care" Video

"The Way" by Fastball

I've always found this song unsettling. It's subject matter is disturbing and yet, it's insanely catchy. For those who don't know the back story, Fastball's front man, Tony Scalzo, was inspired to write "The Way" after hearing about an elderly couple who disappeared on the way to a local Texas festival. Their bodies were found two days later, in Arkansas, nowhere near where they were supposed to be. No one really knows what happened. The general assumption is that, due to issues with their memories, they got disoriented on the trip and came to a tragic end in a ditch. The story is haunting for so many reasons. This was Scalzo's romanticized take on the incident. He imagined that one morning, they woke up and decided to take off - like when they were young. No cares in the world. They got in their car and just drove for as long as they could. Without telling anyone their plans. But can you imagine how frightening that was for their family? I can, which is why I can't imagine ever doing anything like that on purpose. If I disappear, something is wrong. Very wrong.

You can see their shadows

Wandering off somewhere

They won't make it home

But they really don't care

They wanted the highway

They're happy there today, today

I think the thing that creeps me out most is this story really happened. It's a common tactic for marketing horror movies, to say it was based on a true story. It's effective, because it plays on people's deepest fear - that their darkest imaginings, the worst case scenario they've built up in their head, is not as ridiculous as they've been led to believe. For example, "The Strangers," which is based on a French film, "Ils" (Translation: "They"). In both these films, the protagonists - who are new to the area - are terrorized by local children. That's the twist at the end of these films - the monsters playing with them are children. These film are an amalgamation of actual crimes that happened in America and France, where people's homes are broken into and vandalized while they were at home. In some cases, the victims were murdered. Like all urban legends, there's a tiny grain of truth in these cautionary tales and that's what makes them scary. It could happen. I knew a guy who it happened to. Norman Bates in "Psycho" and Buffalo Bill in "The Silence of the Lambs" were based on Ed Gein. And one of the most chilling short stories I've ever read - "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" by Joyce Carol Oates - is about the Pied Piper of Tucson, Charles Schmid. There's no shortage of inspiration, if that's where your mind is going to go.

I, for one, lost my taste for "based on a true story" type shows a long time ago. I watched a lot of "Law & Order: SVU" and "Criminal Minds" when I was younger, as a budding amateur psychologist. After I became a mom, watching those shows made me sick to my stomach, because they were too true to life. I know all the statistics. At any given moment, there is between 25 and 50 active serial killers in the United States (for some reason, we have a disproportionately high number of serial killers). When I hear a news story about a lost child, my brain automatically runs the numbers - if it's been more than 24 hours, the child is probably dead. More than likely, it was one of their relatives...and a sickening number of times, the perpetrator is one of their parents. And I just can't even. Monsters are real. Give me ghost stories any day - the real world is way more scary than Cthulhu and Baba Yaga ever could be.

"The Way" Video

"Bang Bang" by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj

Another short post today. My son loved this song when he was younger - he liked to dance to it. It had a good beat and, let's face it, a toddler's idea of dancing is just jumping up and down really fast. Which is pretty fun in its own right. Besides - this three-way collab is fire emoji.

Sure she got a body like an hourglass

But I can give it to you all the time

Sure she got a booty like a Cadillac

But I can send you into overdrive (oh)

You've been waiting for that

Step on up, swing your bat

You see anybody could be bad to you

You need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah

The story behind this song is pretty simple. As if you can't tell from the hella dirty lyrics (in particular, Nicki Minaj's super suggestive rap bridge), it's about three girls vying for the attention of a guy. This song is 100x funnier if you imagine the guy they're singing about is the hot barista at Starbucks and he has no idea the girls he's serving are having naughty fantasies about him over their lattes and frappucinos. That's my alternate music video idea for "Bang Bang." Somebody needs to make that happen. I need a good laugh.

"Bang Bang" Video

"Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins

An oldie but a goody. This song showed up in my music video mix recently. Another one of my comfort zones - late 90s soft rock. This song came out in 1998, over two decades ago. I've been feeling a little nostalgic lately. Maybe nostalgic isn't the word, but just reflective over the past decade.  Random memories keep flooding in - things I haven't thought about in years. As they come up, I just try to make peace with them and let it go. It's not something that's easy for me to do - I have an excellent memory and a mind that tends to dwell and over-analyze on things well past their expiration date. According to Wikipedia, this song is about a girl who is feeling depressed as she contemplates her own mortality and how her life has gone so far, as she slowly succumbs to addiction. Yep. Super cheery. To be honest, tonight is a throw-away song and I'm running out of songs that I don't have a rant brewing for. Some of the rants are super long and I just want to chill and watch a movie tonight. Because I never get to watch movies anymore and I love watching movies.

She still lives with her mom

Outside the city

Down that street about a half a mile

And all her friends tell her

She's so pretty

But she'd be a whole lot prettier

If she smiled once in a while

`cause even her smile

Looks like a frown

She's seen her share of devils

In this angel town

I remember a game we played in my 9th grade social studies class as an icebreaker. It was a BINGO type game where you had to find a person that fit the description in each box and they had to sign their name next to the description - things like "Owns a dog" and "Can play an instrument." There was a box that had "Watches 5 movies a week" and that's the one I usually signed my name in when people came up to me. After the 20 minutes or so the teacher gave us to play the game, she went through all the squares, asking who was the most common person who signed for each of the descriptions. When she got to the movie question, she scoffed and said, "if someone watches 5 movies a week, they don't have a life." I remember being so crushed and embarrassed. I felt like I was such a weirdo and wanted to disappear. Now that I think of it, it's not weird. Most movies take about 2 hours and the average American watches like 4 hours of television a day. At least I was watching art instead of reality TV. When my dad was home - and he was deployed for most of my high school career, so this wasn't often - we'd watch something on Turner Classic Movies almost every day. I've probably seen basically every WWII film made in the 60s. Everything with Audrey and Marilyn. Most films starring John Wayne. Now that I'm older, I'm aware that other people share my interests, but back then, it was just another reason why I didn't fit in. More than anything now, I'm aware of how much impact a judgmental comments can make on people, even if we think it's just a throwaway comment. There's this question floating around Astrology Twitter and I was struggling to think of a response - What's your Venus sign and what's your biggest pet peeve regarding people? I think I've figured it out, though. Venus in Cancer and I dislike when people say mean things about others because they think it makes them look cool. Ironically, it's something I used to do a lot when I was younger. I'm not proud of it but at least I understand that tearing down others comes from a place of insecurity. I can work on not being insecure - I have been working on it.

Fun fact: Angelina Jolie also has Venus in Cancer. And she's a Cancer Rising. Which makes sense because she has such big Mom energy. You have to have a big heart to choose to care for that many children, half of which are adopted. Of course, it should've been pretty obvious when she started wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. Also, getting married after like a week and tattooing his name on her arm. Sounds like Cancer shenanigans to me - and I've had my fair share of Cancer shenanigans. Scorpio Venus doesn't have the market cornered on being intense when it comes to Love and Romance - to be honest, all the water signs are pretty fucking crazy.

"Lullaby" Video

"The Man" by Taylor Swift

You thought you were going to get out of T-Swift this month, didn't you? Haha...nope. It's her fucking birthday and as someone who also places a lot of importance (probably too much) on her birthday, I feel like I would be doing her a disservice if I didn't play it up sorta big. She is the Billboard Artist of the Decade, after all. True Story. The ceremony was yesterday, the day before her 30th birthday. That's a big fucking deal, considering that almost exactly 10 years ago, Kanye West jumped onstage and ruined her acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the VMAs. I think that was a turning point for her, because - the thing is - he would not have even dared to do that with any of the other nominees. P!nk fucking chewed his ass out afterward. Beyonce was a real lady and gave up her acceptance speech for Video of the Year so Taylor could finish hers. The rest of the nominees were of equal caliber, all brilliant female artists in their own right. But, when they're drunk (on alcohol or power), bullies go after people they think are weak. And I think she got tired of people thinking she was this sweet little girl they could walk all over with no consequences. As a result, she went on the defensive and became really aggressive in shaping her image. She never hid the fact that it was intentional - she wanted to change her reputation. And Swift got criticized for being too mean and ruthless. The "sweet, quiet girl" turned into a "fucking bitch" real quick after she started sticking up for herself. That's pretty typical.

I would be complex

I would be cool

They'd say I played the field before

I found someone to commit to

And that would be okay

For me to do

Every conquest I had made

Would make me more of a boss to you

I'd be a fearless leader

I'd be an alpha type

When everyone believes ya

What's that like?

This is my favorite song off her new album. I've decided it's my anthem for 2020, because I find it almost unbearably true. American culture has a bias towards masculine traits, especially in professional settings. In my experience, active traits such as aggressiveness, overconfidence, and posturing seems more highly valued than more passive skills like communication, planning, and negotiation/compromise, even when those same traits can be detrimental to reaching a goal. Even more common, those traits are also usually incorrectly conflated with leadership skills - then we wonder how we end up with leaders who are all talk but get nothing done, while we ignore the people making a real difference. The scales have been balancing out in recent years. Maybe not as quickly as preferred but, in general, emotional and social intelligence has gained importance.

I believe in the concept of non-duality - that we are comprised of opposites into a single whole and in order to fulfill our purpose, we have to embrace our inner contradictions. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within them, but how we choose to express those aspects of ourselves has a myriad of faces. This can be difficult for some people to understand because they're used to dualistic thinking. Most people are subconsciously programmed with a bias just by growing up in a polarized culture. Even within feminist circles, there is so much internalized misogyny, it's not even funny. Our cultural depiction of a "strong woman" is outspoken, aggressive, doesn't dress sexy (and sometimes she doesn't even dress feminine), and leads people into battle. Not saying strong women aren't like this - some definitely are. But we've also created a false dichotomy where the antithesis of the "strong female character" are characters who society deems as going too far into the feminine spectrum. When you really look at cultural depictions, you start to notice all the subtle hints about what the People in Charge (PIC) want you to believe. For example, I love "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." But a lot of the hilarity in that movie is generated because Andi is the stereotypical "cool girl" - i.e., the Perfect Woman, who is thin despite eating a steady diet of pizza and beer, loves sports, and looks beautiful without being high-maintenance - pretending to be a crazy girlfriend, who happens to be really girly. But at the end of the movie, she gets stopped from pursuing her dream of being a real journalist when Prince Charming (Matthew McConaughey) finally realizes he loves her. Really, Hollywood?! Is that really what a Strong Woman would do? I strongly believe that, if she is staying true to her heart, she'll find a way to make it work - she can have Prince Charming and pursue her dreams. In fact, if he really was Prince Charming, he'd be right beside her making her dreams happen and vice versa. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game.

To be a real gender nonconformist is to make your own choices in life, to be who you are even if it doesn't fit nicely in a box, even when the judgement is harsh and difficult to hear. It's not for the faint of heart. And maybe it's because I've been feeling this pressure more than usual - on top of being the primary breadwinner, I have to be the perfect mom and housewife, while trying to work on my own dreams in the wee hours of the morning - but I'm getting fed up with the current state of affairs. I've taken on all the gender roles which, ironically, makes me both not feminine or masculine enough to fit in anywhere. I don't like to be mean or overly aggressive with people (and I'm "too young"), so apparently I'm not cut out for a leadership role. But I'm too opinionated and intelligent to blindly follow whatever authority figure I'm stuck with. What's a girl to do?

I'm so done with this nonsense. I just want to make my own rules. Like Taylor did.

"The Man" Video

"In Hell I'll Be Good Company" by The Dead South

Another one of my son's favorite songs. He insisted on watching this video on YouTube one day - turns out this band is awesome. And my three-year-old's music street cred has been solidified. I'm a big fan of the Southern Gothic genre in general, but the music has this haunting quality that you can't get anywhere else. I don't know if it's the banjo or the honky-tonk piano (or the "jankily" piano, as I like to call it) but there is something about the genre that is extra spooky. Like you're going to meet the devil at the crossroads while carrying a six-string on your back. Or you'll run into a bar full of ghosts in that small town where your pickup truck breaks down. I love it so much.

Dead Love couldn't go no further

Proud of and disgusted by her

Push shove, a little bruised and battered

Oh Lord I ain't coming home with you

My life's a bit more colder

Dead wife is what I told her

Brass knife sinks into my shoulder

Oh babe don't know what I'm gonna do

I was thinking this week about the phrase "American Gothic," which is a misnomer. The truth is that there are so many sub-genres of what we call American Gothic, that it is necessary to differentiate. I ran across a tweet a while ago which sort of enumerated on the distinctions between the sub-genres. I've taken it a step further in my head and added some categories of my own. The United States, in comparison to other countries, is huge in terms of land. It encompasses multiple climate types and geographic layouts, so boiling all if it down into only one specific type of spooky is nigh impossible. You add the distinctive cultural make-up of each region in the US, and it gets even more complicated. I've attempted to identify the most obvious sub-types of American Gothic, as a helpful reference for myself and other writers everywhere.

• Southern Gothic - This genre comprises all the spooky parts of the South. Common themes/tropes include Civil War ghosts, haunted/cursed plantations, and Voodoo. The terrain is either the bayou or plantation fields - either way, it's very green. A lot of Southern Gothic revolves around New Orleans and Louisiana, because of it's rich, diverse culture, but it does extend into Eastern Texas and across to the Atlantic Ocean (below the Mason-Dixon Line, of course).
• Midwest Gothic - This genre subverts the wholesome image of the American farmland. Think empty cornfields and creepy scarecrows. Rusty farm equipment and creaky barn doors. Locals who keep to themselves and are hiding dark secrets behind their polite smiles.
• Southwest Gothic - This genre uses the typical Western landscape. Ghost towns in the desert with nothing for miles except Russian thistle (aka tumbleweeds) and bleached cow bones. Characters are the beautiful saloon girl ghost with the tragic back story and the gunslinger who failed to save her. Common themes/tropes include hanging corpses in the town square encircled by buzzards, Native American chants being heard mysteriously on the wind, and Brujeria.
• Appalachian Gothic - This is very similar to Southern Gothic but it takes place in the area encompassed by the Appalachian Mountains, which is most of the Northeast. The forest is thicker and greener, the terrain is more mountainous. I always think of the Hatfields and the McCoys - an American Romeo & Juliet story. So naturally, a trope would be young romances that ended tragically - ghostly young women in white wandering through the forest to meet their lover, dark shadows everywhere among the trees. The folk magic used (Pow-wow) is more based in Native American lore and old German customs, rather from the mishmash of Catholicism and Voodoo that is synonymous with Southern Gothic.
• Key West Gothic - This genre infuses paradise with dark history. The setting is white beaches and hidden caves filled with blue water (and possibly sea monsters). Common themes/tropes include dead pirates, cursed buried treasure, sunken ships, bloody slave revolts, and hoodoo. It's the beautiful young bride standing on the Widow's Walk as she looks out to sea for her missing husband. We'll throw abandoned lighthouses in this category, too, but it depends on the setting.
• Urban Gothic - This is a catch-all category for spooky American cityscapes. Think abandoned malls, dark alleys, drug-addled parties where there is just something off about the people you meet.
• Hollywood Gothic (aka L.A. Noire) - There's a specific category for this because of the tragic history surrounding L.A. and the development of the movie industry. It was a price paid in the blood of young girls with big dreams and mobsters with no limits. The setting is an abandoned Art Deco hotel well past its heyday. It's haunted by moviestars, aspiring actors, and their admirers. It's a waft of expensive perfume a waitress smells as she closes up a restaurant for the night. It's the Black Dahlia, bisected and with a fresh Glasgow Smile, being found on a crisp morning as the sun rises over California. It's a juxtaposition of opposites - glamour with gore, ugly scaffolding hidden beneath velvet fabric, fake smiles while a knife slowly goes into someone's back. Common tropes/themes are secret affairs, haunted hotels with ghostly parties, and cursed movie sets.
• Northern Gothic - This genre capitalizes on the desolation of the frozen North. The landscape is blindingly white, there's so much snow. Bodies get preserved in ice. And blood on snow makes quite an impact. And there's absolutely no one around to save you when you fall through the ice while ice fishing.
• Pacific Northwest Gothic - The genre involves thick forest full of unknown creatures. It's always misty here. Common themes include grizzly bear skeletons, glimpses of Sasquatch, and sparkly vampires (just kidding....) The Pacific Northwest is basically the American response to the Scottish Moors. Think packs of roving werewolves and camping trips that go horribly wrong. Rocky beaches with abandoned lighthouses (this genre also gets lighthouses).

I'm sure that's not everything. Perhaps I'll expand on this more later but I think this is good for now.

"In Hell I'll Be Good Company" Video

"Hands to Myself" by Selena Gomez

It's the Full Moon tonight and it's basically right on my Ascendant. And, if you couldn't tell by my music selections this week, I've been all over the place. Gemini placements have a reputation for swinging between extremes. Talking a mile a minute about every topic under the sun. Both delightfully mischievous yet deadly serious at the same time. Joking and not joking in the same breath, that it can be confusing and hard to gauge which way their mind is going to go. That has definitely been me this week (and in general) with everything - my thoughts, my moods, my wants, my needs, my plans - it's a roller coaster to be me, sometimes. I feel so unfocused at times but, in the next minute, I'll have such divine clarity of thought that it's almost scary. I'd worry about it but it seems I'm all out of fucks to give again. The theme for December is to try to just let it be and enjoy the ride.

Can't keep my hands to myself

I mean I could, but why would I want to?

Tonight, I'm feeling playful - some more Gemini Rising bullshit for you. I'm feeling super happy because Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope finally kissed on "Parks & Rec." As is my custom, I let out such a scream of giddiness that I'm almost embarrassed to mention it, just like the last two times I watched this episode. I don't have much time because I also want to try to fit in a tiny Full Moon ritual, too, so I'll let this song speak for itself. During my commute home - since I'm having a hard time focusing on podcasts right now - I decided to put on a playlist I haven't touched in a while. Almost a year. I forgot it was a really fucking good playlist. This was the first song that played. And, as ridiculous as it is, I really do like this song. I never claimed to have good taste in music, only a diverse one. Enjoy!

"Hands to Myself" Video

"Patience" by Guns N' Roses

Whenever I'm feeling frustrated over a situation and I turn on the radio (not Spotify....just your normal FM stations...I'm partial to Jack FM, because they're genuinely random with their music choices), there are three songs that, if they come on, I'm almost certain the Universe is trying to reassure me. Those songs are "Faith" by George Michael, "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, and - obviously - "Patience" by Guns N' Roses. Maybe that's silly. But it's comforting, because at least I know someone is listening.

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you

I'm still alright to smile

Girl, I think about you every day now

Was a time when I wasn't sure

But you set my mind at ease

There is no doubt you're in my heart now

Said "woman take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine"

All we need is just a little patience

Said "sugar make it slow and we'll come together fine"

All we need is just a little patience (Patience)

I'm an impatient person. Always have been. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure my whole life has been a lesson in patience. Making peace with the waiting is the most difficult part. I've always been the type to charge forward because, whatever it is I want, I want it now. So the most frustrating thing for me is when I've done everything I'm supposed to do and there's nothing left except the waiting. I've gotten better over the years. It's why I tend to overload myself with tasks - because it's something to do while I'm waiting. It makes time go faster. Even though, to be honest, that's the last thing I want nowadays. I wish I had more time. I wish I could slow it down at will at certain moments. This year has gone by the fastest I've ever seen, even during the slow parts of the year.

Needless to say, settling into a daily meditation practice has been a trial. I've been fairly consistent for the last couple of months and have done about 15-20 minutes almost every day. Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking, "Am I done yet? Maybe I'll cut today short." But you can't do that. You just have to release that thought, remember that this is where you are now, and regain your center of focus (I usually use a mantra). The practice has been helpful for dealing with ordinary every day frustrations and waves of emotion that come up unexpectedly. I just gently tell myself it's okay to feel like this for a minute, remind myself that this is just where I am right now and it's temporary, and then I just let it be. Because - as I'm realizing - that's pretty much all I can do most of the time. Just breathe and continue on to the next task you have to do.

"Patience" Video

"Serotonin" by Call Me Karizma

I'm super tired today so I chose something I don't have much to rant about. More "white boy rap." No story behind this - it showed up on my son's playlist and I thought it was catchy.

Break the fuckin' mirror 'cause I hate the image

Every single tear I cry is wasted liquid

I fucked too many girls to count, I ain't committed

I guess being an asshole was a bad decision

Thanks haters I love

You, no one above

You, I lost a thousand friends the past, like where's the undo?

Tweetin' like I ain't affected by the hate directed every second

Maybe I should take the weapon, pow

The song is about Karizma's struggles with anxiety and depression. It's a criticism of society's dependence on medication to make people happy. I was watching something recently about how in clinical trials, the placebo was as effective as anti-depressants in 80% of the patients.  The conclusion researchers came to is that your mindset when taking the treatment is just as (or more) important than the treatment itself. It took the placebo group about 6-8 weeks to reach the "happy" state, which is how long it usually takes anti-psychotic/anti-depressant medication to reach a stable state in the human system. Because it was a double-blind study, the mindset of the all the patients going in was that "it's going to get better." It doesn't matter why they think it's going to get better - the important thing is that they believed it would. You believe that long enough and eventually, your brain starts working to bring up your serotonin and dopamine to a normal level in most cases. No chemical assistance necessary.

I strongly believe in treating mental illness on multiple fronts - medication, therapy, and strong community support. That last one is key. Some people genuinely have different brain chemistry and they do need medication. I know from experience that lithium is a true miracle drug. However, there comes a point when you realize that all the medication in the world won't fix the parts of your life that you hate. That's where the therapy and the will to make better life choices comes in. And a good therapist will encourage you to be an active participant in your life. If you're lonely, take some steps to meet new people. If you're bored, take a class and learn something. A lot of unhappiness comes from being misaligned with what you want out of life. In order to stop being misaligned, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people and you have to stop chasing the next big thing - the next job, the next relationship, the next trip, the next purchase, the next whatever. Unfortunately, we currently live in a society where competing with other people for the "most impressive life" has become the norm. And that bar keeps moving - so much so that most people will never be able to keep up. But we're so jaded, we haven't even asked ourselves if that "perfect" life is worth keeping up with. Society is sick. And in a society that's sick, the most revolutionary act is refusing to succumb to the sickness. There's my deep thought for the day. Boom.

"Serotonin" Video

"The Horror of Our Love" by Ludo

A friend introduced me to Ludo a while ago and I'm slowly discovering their music. I love the imagery they use - it's graphic and dramatic. Visceral in a disturbing, yet satisfying way. I found this song a few months ago on YouTube and, though I liked it, I forgot about it for a bit. But about a month ago, I woke up with it stuck in my head. I had to find it again and the entire day, I played it on repeat. I do that with songs I really like. I was obsessed. I'm still fairly obsessed with this song. It's already made it into the Top 10 Favorites. Heck, I think it might even be a member of the Unskippables now, and that's saying something. I even skip "Bohemian Rhapsody" if I'm not feeling it. Don't judge me. It's even in that special place reserved for other favorites, like "Iris" and "Everything", where if I hear the end of the song approaching, I will preemptively hit the repeat button. Because I don't want it to end.

There's this guy I follow on Twitter - Doth the Doth - who tweets random goth stuff. Things like "It's a perfect night to slip into something more comfortable, like the coffin." Or, "Maybe she's born with it or maybe she has eaten all the hearts of those who have wronged her." I think he may be a literature professor at Harvard. He puts a spin on modern trends and sayings using the tropes found in gothic and classic horror novels/poetry. As a huge geek for both of these genres, his tweets are always a welcome sight in my feed. As a writer whose style is slowly growing comfortable with these themes, it always helps to have some extra inspiration. I bring up Doth because Ludo has done something similar with the lyrics and it helps to have a reference point.

The lyrics for "The Horror of Our Love" reminds me of the following scene from "The Addams Family":

I feel like everyone and their mom is goth nowadays, claiming to want a romance like Morticia and Gomez, but the truth is....most girls scare too easy. A boy writes them a short, two-paragraph love letter in his own blood and all of a sudden he's "weird" and "creepy" and "not their type." Seriously....What did you think you were getting into when you started dating a guy who wears all black and hangs out in cemeteries? There's a similar meme about dating goth girls: "Everybody wants a goth bitch but when it's time to dick her down in a pool of goat's blood while surrounded by sacrificial pagan flames so she can summon Baphomet, you want to complain. SMH." I know this paragraph took a hard left turn but the point is some people think that level of intensity is...romantic. In a dark, dramatic way. I'm one of these people I speak of. Perhaps not the goat's blood - that sounds a little unsanitary - but the rest of it, sure. But I'm also a hopeless romantic. There is absolutely no difference in how I react to Morticia & Gomez and people in romantic comedies. I squeal for everything. Maybe I just like seeing people happy and in love. But I also believe every Gomez has a Morticia, which - after having a discussion with my coworker - is perhaps a little naive. But I don't want to be cynical yet. I'm too young.

Perhaps this is more Scorpio Moon bullshit, but I believe sexuality is sacred. The act of sex itself - regardless of who you're doing it with or how frequently - is always special and powerful. So the metaphors and imagery in this song's lyrics resonate with me on a deep level. Yes, I think it's romantic and stimulating. And Neptune falls in my 8th House, so I have a very active imagination when it comes to this stuff (and by "this stuff," apparently I mean sex and death - the 8th House is nicknamed the House of Sex, Death, and Taxes....I'm good at thinking about money, too). If you listen to the lyrics, it's pretty obvious he's describing a sexual encounter, but he hides it in gore and mystery, heightening the occult importance of sex. Given this foundational knowledge, the verses can be broken into three acts - the Hunt (i.e., the lust and desire leading up to the act, the thinking of which is essential to foreplay), the Great Rite itself, and then after-care....and possibly Round Two.

I wake in terror, blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling midnight on their altars

I'm your servant, my immortal

Pale and perfect, such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes, the room is changing

Break my skin and drain me

Ancient language, speak through fingers

The awful edges where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth I cannot see

There's catastrophe in everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more

You die like angels sing...

That's the second verse, which is my favorite verse. I mentioned the Great Rite, so I'll go into a little back story, since not everyone has been steeped in weird occult rituals and symbolism like a fine tea. The Great Rite is a pagan ritual that involves symbolic (or actual) sexual intercourse, symbolizing the powerful connection created upon the union of masculine and feminine energy. Yeah - most of the early Wiccan leaders were dirty old men. That being said, there is something incredibly powerful about the ritual. In Feri tradition - if the information portrayed in Alex Mars' "Witches of America" is accurate - after their initiation, when they find out the true names of the Gods, they have sex (with a partner of their choice) in service of the God and Goddess. It's more than that. It's more like they invite the God and Goddess into themselves and the body of their partner to perform this sacred act. It's essentially using the sexual energy to activate the power of the ritual. To truly understand the alchemy. To go physically go through rebirth into a new person. A mystical person. Maybe I'm weird (and I know I am) but something about that perspective - when I read (or rather, listened - it was an audiobook) to the description, it sounded incredibly appealing to me. And the lyrics of this song make me think he's making love as if he's worshiping the Goddess, embodied in this delicate creature. It's as if he thinks himself unworthy, but he feels compelled. Like it's a desperate hunger. The love-making starts gentle and then, by the end, he's no longer in control.

On a more academic note, I'm going to go through the various lyrics and my interpretation describing how I reached this conclusion. I've taken both multiple Human Sexuality and English Literature courses so - trust me - I'm a professional and (generally) know what I'm talking about.

• "Hold you down and tear you open, live inside you" - He's craving some rather rough action. This is about the moment I start daydreaming. 
• "I will eat you slowly..." - I think this one is fairly self-evident. Again, more daydreaming.
• "Break my skin and drain me" - Who doesn't like the feeling of fingernails down their back? And I think we know what he wants drained, if ya know what I mean. **hint hint wink wink**
• "And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more" - During the female orgasm, the vaginal muscles will contract rhythmically. The movement is obvious if you're paying attention (which, admittedly, most people wouldn't be). The more powerful and longer-lasting the contractions, the more powerful the orgasm. It's science. They've measured it - you can thank Masters and Johnson for doing this vital work. Essentially, he's saying he stays put until she's finished...which is appreciated.
• "You die like angels sing..." - The moans a woman makes when she comes are literally music to his ears (as they should be). The French phrase for an orgasm is le petit mort, which translates to "the little death." Sex as a transformative experience, as a living death. This is classic Scorpio placement bullshit. True Story: I learned about the french translation for orgasm from "The Bride of Chucky," which is - in fact - the best of the Child's Play series, simply because Jennifer Tilly is awesome and uncompromisingly sexy in that film. Even as a doll.

Similar to "Iris," instead of the typical lyrical bridge that connects Verse 2 to Verse 3 (and, subsequently, the end of the song), "The Horror of Our Love" uses a musical interlude. I love musical interludes, because it's just wave upon wave of notes that you lose yourself in until it hits a crescendo. And this musical interlude is a flamenco guitar solo (flamenco guitars are - in fact - the best kind of guitar). It's honestly my favorite part of the song and I'm usually not big on instrumentals.

As I've mentioned before, I tend to get a lot of my inspiration for stories from the music I listen to. This song has inspired me to write a story about a Magician and his Assistant. It's basically a Beauty and the Beast story. But with more sex and blood....because Beauty and the Beast was really missing those elements. I'm letting the story form in my head right now - the brain storming stage. When I imagine a scene in my head, I will send myself a text with as many details as I see in my vision, so I can remember. Assuming I'm not in a position to begin writing what I see (which is usually the case). So far, the system works. I've been getting a lot of inspiration lately - but I'm trying this new thing where I focus on one project until I finish it before I move on to the next thing. I know. It's been a weird change - but highly effective.

Whew. I know that was a roller coaster of a blog post but I think I've written down all my (super insightful) thoughts. Now, I'm off to take a cold shower.

"The Horror of Our Love" Video

"Just Another Girl" by The Killers

I started drafting a rant for another song but then the sheer amount of stuff I need to do between today and tomorrow became real for me all of a sudden. I just baked approximately 50 cupcakes that will need to be frosted at some point, my backseat is filled with sticks we spray-painted silver (it's best not to ask), I haven't packed yet for our hotel stay, and when I get to the hotel tomorrow morning, there's 250+ balloons waiting to be blown up. Oh Joy. More Gemini Rising bullshit. My advice - don't do this to yourself. I'm a highly seasoned professional with years of experience volunteering to do labor-intensive nonsense for fun and profit. Just kidding - I've never profited from this stuff, not by any reasonable measure. I should probably remedy that, somehow. Suffice it to say, there won't be a post tomorrow. But Sunday's rant will hopefully be better because I won't be feeling rushed or stressed over party planning shenanigans. For the last month, I've seriously considered putting up the following sign:

I still might put it up - pot luck season isn't over yet.

Step out into the Indian dust

I can feel the cracks in my spirit

They're starting to bust

Drive by your house, nobody's home

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm better off alone

All of my friends say I should move on

She's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard

And all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be

And it's a great big world, she's just another girl

YouTube has been pushing the music video for this song a lot lately. Because the algorithm knows my comfort zone....which is apparently early 2010s indie alternative rock. Predictable. But they got me, so clearly it's accurate. I liked it so it's been added to the appropriate playlists and I am sharing it today. It's about the stereotypical words of encouragement people say when your heart's broken that aren't as helpful as they think they are. After only having heard this song like last week, I already have a theory for the video. In the video, there's a pretty blonde girl who is lip-synching the lyrics. I think she was in "Glee" but I'm not sure because I was never into that show (which is weird, because I was all about choir in high school). I'm pretty sure the blonde is supposed to be the girl in question. Essentially, she's pretending to be the lead singer (by wearing his clothes and doing the things he'd normally be doing) because she took a part of him with her. Or maybe it means he doesn't believe she is "just another girl" because he feels she was the mirror image of himself - his metaphorical other half. Or maybe it was just a good reason to put Dianna Agron (I looked her up) in a bunch of awesome outfits. And her hair is amazing in the video - I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think I'd have to get bangs and I'd rather not. Fun fact: Dianna Agron's brother actually is named Jason so the song could be about her (but I suspect it's just a common name he picked to protect the innocent - the names in songs hardly ever point directly to an actual person). And after watching the video a few times, the replication of the looks from other Killers' music videos is made very intentional. Anyway, at the end of the video, Agron just walks away and she's not really part of the final scene. The lead singer is back to being himself, which makes me think that maybe she's not just another girl because she (or rather, the heartbreak she caused) inspired him to channel his intensity into his music. Everyone needs a muse.

"Just Another Girl" Video