"Time" by NF

I first heard this song walking down the street in Boston. It was playing in one of the clothing shops near my sister's house. In my head, I thought "I like this song" even though I only heard a quick snippet. I do that - I can usually tell if I'll like a song by the first few bars. Sometimes, though, a song has to grow on me - certain pop songs are like this. I'm also good at recognizing a song within the first few notes. This memory of mine is both a curse and a blessing. Anyway, I heard a small part of the first verse in "Time," made a mental note - and kept it moving because I didn't want to be late for class. If I can, I'll usually Shazam a song on the go but there was so much background noise, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Fast forward to my run that evening and guess what pops up on my Spotify Discover Weekly mix? "Time" by NF.

The spiritual community would call that a "synchronicity." Or just a small way the Universe shows it's listening and responding to our energy. It's been happening a lot lately for me, especially with music. I'll want to hear a song or wake up with one stuck in my head, and it'll be the first song that comes on the radio. Or I'll engage in some shufflemancy and ask the Universe a question, already knowing what song it's gonna play and - lo and behold - the song I'm expecting is the one that's played. Maybe it's delusional but what's the alternative? That some master algorithm is listening to our thoughts so Instagram shows an ad for a specific item of clothing that you saw someone wear earlier? Or that Facebook really does know you're craving Jimmy John's for lunch? It's difficult to know where the locus of control is - does the Universe hear my thought and present what it finds in the moment? Or do I send my thought out into the ether and the closest approximation is drawn towards me? Unknown. Still working that out.

A little time to show you I'm worth it

I know that I can be a difficult person

I'm a stress case, drive you up the wall when I’m workin'

Actually, I'm probably worse when I'm not, you don't deserve it

Make you nervous 'cause you know I'ma break soon

Every time I do, I say somethin' that hurts you

Actin’ like I’m gone, but we both in the same room

I don't like to be wrong, which I know you relate to

And I know I make you feel like you’re at the end of your rope

That's when I look at you and tell you I'd be better alone

Just the pride talkin', isn’t it? 'Cause both of us know

I'm the definition of "wreck" if you look into my soul

Comes out the most when I feel I'm in a vulnerable place

Made a lot of mistakes I wish I knew how to erase

When I'm afraid, might get distant and I push you away

But no matter the case, I'ma do whatever it takes even if—

Lately, I've been drawn to a lot of what I'm going to call "white boy rap," even though I know that's horrifically politically incorrect. Especially NF. A lot of people call themselves "woke" but NF is clearly awake. You can hear it in his music. It's very rare for me to find an artist where I feel like practically every song speaks to me. Florence Welch is one. Gerard Way is another. Rilo Kiley started that list. And NF is the latest addition. Based on his music, he grew up in an abusive and neglectful home. As such, he gets to deal with all the fun baggage that goes along with that. Traumatized people tend to relive their parents stories - their childhood control dramas - because they don't know any other way. Healthy behavior seems wrong to them. Affection, care, and even love feels like a foreign thing. An unattainable ideal that they've read about in storybooks but doesn't actually exist in real life. They struggle with control and trust issues. And more often than not, they hurt the people they care about most to avoid abandonment and rejection. NF recognized he was in this pattern and wanted to end it, so he got help. And then he used the shit he learned in therapy to write music. Brilliant. The first step to fixing a problem is knowing you have one....people just don't want to take that first step. It's scary. The funny thing is, in this song, he says all he needs is time, like there's plenty of it. But it's the most precious commodity we have in the world - we only realize it when we're about to lose something. Or if we've already lost it. Eventually, it runs out. There's this quote from a book I read in college called "Exquisite Corpse" that has stuck with me - "There is a last time for meeting with and talking with everyone one knows, but one never knows when that last time will be." Although I know it's true, in some cases, it's just too sad to imagine.

I'm really tired and it's been a long day. I've been getting up early/staying up late to work on stuff. As I said, we only have so much time and I have a lot of writing to do. Because apparently, the only thing I can do now is write. Write it all down. 

"Time" Video