"Neptune" by Sleeping At Last

Sleeping At Last has a song about each of the planets. I learned about this, because they brought up the song, "Saturn," on an episode of "The Astrology Podcast." They said it was a beautiful song - and it is - but I felt "Neptune" to be more fitting, since today is the final day of Jupiter's co-presence with Neptune in Pisces. Both rulers of the sign being co-present is a powerful influence, and the power of the Great Benefic (Jupiter) kind of ups the ante with what Neptune often brings us. Neptune's symbolism is that of fantasy, escape, mysticism, haziness, dreams, and confusion. It rules over imagination and substance abuse, the two great tools in an Escape Artist's box. When in Pisces - as with any planet in its home sign - these themes get a double whammy and it can be hard to extract ourselves from the mist of illusion and delusion. It's possible, but it's hard. There's power in fantasy, but it's important not to get trapped there. 

This idea reminds me of the bubble scene in "Labyrinth." Jareth has drugged Sarah with a poison peach and she finds herself immersed in her deepest fantasy. Dressed in a ballgown, trying to weave her way through the dancing bodies at the Masquerade, she comes face-to-face with The Goblin King. The Goblin King himself is a fantasy. I mean - come on - he's literally David Bowie. I can safely say he was my first real celebrity crush and my introduction to "the bulge," which I don't think I even registered as a child. There was a layer of perfect masculinity in the way he played the character - cruel but sensual, obsessive but distant, playful yet still cool. He may have played with Sarah but he gave her exactly what she wanted - an escape from what she felt was an unbearable life. And so she finds herself in his arms, falling in love with this flawless illusion he's created for her, and she's forgetting why she's there and where she's going. Like all great heroines, she saves herself by shattering the illusion - her dream - and breaking the hold he has over her. The lesson here is, sometimes, you have to shatter the illusion of your fantasy in order to bring to fruition a reality even greater than you could have ever imagined. After revisiting this scene, I feel it's a great metaphor for these last few hours with Jupiter in Pisces. Enjoy the fantasy while it lasts but when Jupiter returns to Aries, it's going to be time to put things into action.

Pitch black, pale blue

There was a stained-glass, variation of the truth

And I felt empty-handed

You let me set sail with cheap wood

So I patched up every leak that I could

'Til the blame grew too heavy

Meanwhile, Mars has turned retrograde in Gemini and is tearing up my 1st House. Scorpio season, in general, was rough for me. Health issue after health issue. For astrological context, Scorpio rules my 6th House, which rules over health, and Scorpio's ruler, Mars, being in the 1st House, which deals partly with the body and appearance of the native. It started with me tearing up my hands after making an executive decision to stay for Open Pole after class one Saturday; continued with a rough cold that had me sleeping through a whole day; and ended with massive pain in my right lower wisdom tooth which resulted in getting all my wisdom teeth taken out right before Thanksgiving. The message from the Universe has been quite clear - I need some rest, because I've been going at breakneck speed since last Scorpio Season. I have missed more pole classes this last month than I've missed since I've started at this studio. Ironically, the last month has also come with the most successes and breakthroughs in my pole practice. I can finally do a proper Inside Leg Hang, my Inversions are stronger than ever, I can do a Ballerina on both sides, and I've mastered the Star Gazer. Proof that rest can be productive, too. A PSA from the North Node transiting Taurus. 

Stitch by stitch, I tear apart

If brokenness is a form of art

I must be a poster child prodigy

Thread by thread, I come apart

If brokenness is a work of art

Surely this must be my masterpiece

I've been going through a hibernation year. Age 35 is a 12th House year. It usually ends up being a time for rest, solitude, and turning towards internal processes. I feel like I've been in a cocoon. Still active but everything is happening beneath the surface. Gestating ideas, refining next steps, making plans, a lot of learning about myself and the world around me. At this point, things are starting to bubble over, like inspiration is forcing it out of me. I wrote a poem the other day. Just out of the blue, the words came. And even today, I feel like it's still a good (enough) poem - it says what I was wanting to say, what I was feeling in that moment. I think trying to fix it and make it better might even ruin it, and that's when it's time to stop. I want to harness this energy, try to integrate it into my life so it's always there. A flame to be tended. I suppose that's fitting for this time of year - Sagittarius Season is about keeping the faith in darkness. Hence all the Festivals of Light that take place during this time of year. It's about having faith, even when the world around you is reflecting the opposite.

As we enter Capricorn Season this week, I'm formulating a plan for where I want to go in 2023. Because Jupiter in Aries is about action - it's time for the dreams you had during the Jupiter in Pisces era to become real. That's the hope, isn't it? That's why manifestation is so popular right now - we've all got big dreams but don't know how to make them real. The vibe during any Aries transit is "Just do it - Ready, Fire, Aim." So where are you aiming?

I'm only honest when it rains

If I time it right, the thunder breaks

When I open my mouth

I wanna tell you, but I don't know how

I'm only honest when it rains

An open book, with a torn out page

And my inks run out

I wanna love you but I don't know how

The lyrics of "Neptune", rather fittingly, describe where one often finds themselves on a spiritual journey. Spirituality is one of those things that Neptune rules, and it's influence over such things becomes especially powerful when its floating through Pisces. The singer is recognizing and accepting his flaws, acknowledging the hurt he's done to others and how others hurt has shaped him and his actions. The chorus echoes the line, "I want to love you but I don't know how." I think we've all been there. I'm not sure who he's speaking to - his lover, his parents, a stranger, his child - maybe he's speaking to all of them, in a way. The music itself is hopeful yet lonely, like he's reaching out but not expecting anything back (even though he desperately wants something....what that is, I couldn't tell you). It's a vibe I feel frequently, and it's likely only to get worse in 2023, when Saturn enters Pisces. Saturn won't just let us mope - no, we have to turn that pain and loneliness into art or some shit. I'm only half joking but 2023 is a year of massive astrological change, which (theoretically) could show up as major upheavals in society and in individual lives (depending on your natal chart). It should be fun...who doesn't like a little chaos with their coffee?

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I don't know how

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I wanna love you

Finally, I highly recommend checking out Sleeping At Last's Astronomy playlist. These are songs he wrote inspired by various astronomical events that have happened over the last few years. They're beautiful - a few even made me cry. Specifically, June 30, 2018 and July 4, 2020 - the latter being written around the time of the Lunar Eclipse in Capricorn that was opposite my natal Sun. Having an eclipse on or near your birthday portends an impactful year in your life....and it was. I also learned the Earth's aphelion - or the farthest it is away from the Sun - always occurs on or around July 4. Which, astrologically speaking, gave me new insight into my life and purpose. Definitely a playlist for lovers of the stars.

"Neptune" Music Video

It's that time of year again....

It's T-Swift's birthday! She's 33 years old today and, of course, super busy. As a Scorpio Rising, this past year has been an eventful one with eclipses happening in her 1st House (Self) and 7th House (partnerships). As I predicted, she did get engaged to her long-time boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, shortly after the Spring eclipse season. She played a minor role in "Amsterdam," which was released in October 2022. And right before this past eclipse season, she released a brand new album, "Midnights," which includes collaborations with notable singer-songwriters like Jack Antonoff and Lana del Rey.  The album hit high on the charts fairly quickly and has received positive critical review, to include being called the "Pop Album of the Year." She also launched a new tour, which - due to the issues with ticket sales - finally got federal regulators to really look into Ticketmaster's monopolistic practices within the performance industry. Looking forward to her 33rd year around the Sun - a 10H (Career and Reputation) profection year - it doesn't look like she'll be slowing down. Not only will she be on tour but she will be writing and directing a new film from Searchlight. This news is unsurprising - she as directed or co-directed the majority of the music videos she has made in the last few years and even before that, she maintained a strong creative influence over the music videos that were released. Also, as mentioned, she may be a major player in the investigation against Ticketmaster. And we're still waiting for her to re-record some of her earlier albums (I personally am looking forward to "Speak Now (Taylor's Version)" and "1989 (Taylor's Version)"). Considering she has released a entirely brand new album every year for the past four years, we'll also get some new music as well. She's nothing if not prolific.

I had another song in mind for my yearly Taylor Swift appreciation post but....it was sad. And I didn't have time to write out exactly what I was imagining, which seems to be the theme of December. There's Not Enough Time (that's the theme). And I'm featuring another one of her songs for my New Year's wrap-up and I think one long ranty T-Swift post is enough for one year. Instead, please enjoy this incredibly shaky footage of Taylor singing "the greatest song of all time" (her words....and mine) with Johnny Rzeznik. I'm going to be honest, it's probably not one of her best performances but you could tell it was literally a dream come true for her and I can imagine her fangirling out afterwards.

"Iris" as performed by Taylor Swift and Johnny Rzeznik

"The World I Know" by Collective Soul

As you may be aware (and I hope you are), today is Election Day in the United States. Today may well prove to be the most important election in our lifetime. I have a sinking worry that it might be the last truly free and fair election for the United States, too. This is not just doom-saying, my concerns are based on observation. I try not to watch the news, because it's bad for my mental health (I say that as a recovering political junkie), but I do try to watch the highlights in order to keep informed. After watching snippets of the January 6th testimony that has occurred so far, I worry that people don't understand how close we came to losing democracy that day. How close we are to losing democracy pending the results of today's election. A quote from "Star Wars" comes to mind: "So this is how liberty dies...with thundering applause."

Living in a "battleground" state - Arizona - I get a front row seat to the civil conflict brewing here in America. If you haven't noticed, Arizona has been the star of this election cycle, and not just for its role in upholding democracy on January 6th after the ridiculous fraudit nonsense. Our ballot is filled with a cast of characters you can only find in Arizona. We have Kari Lake, a former news broadcaster who, with her crazy eyes, tells everyone that the 2020 election was rigged and spouts off conservative talking points, which MAGA Republicans eat up, despite her liberal past (very similar to Donald Trump). I honestly hope she's lying, because the prospective of her serving as Governor with those views is genuinely terrifying. Then we have Blake Masters, a finance bro hand-picked by one of the richest people in America, who uses his family to mask his incel-level creepiness. And then there's Mark Finchem, an anti-government extremist who has used his platform to spread anti-Semitic sentiment. He's arguably the most dangerous candidate because, if he wins Secretary of State, he will have control over the outcome of future Arizona elections. It's not that there wasn't good, honorable Republican candidates running this year - there was. But these are the candidates who won the primaries. And I think that says something about who we are.

Has our conscience shown?

Has the sweet breeze blown?

Has all the kindness gone?

Hope still lingers on

I drink myself of new found pity

Sitting alone in New York City

And I don't know why

I don't particularly like the term "battleground state", mostly because there are some people who are taking that phrase a little bit too seriously. If you've been watching the news, you may have heard about "poll watchers" in Maricopa county. Masked individuals sitting in the bed of their pickups with an AK-47 (or some other gun/guns), watching everyone who goes to drop off their mail-in ballots. And almost everyone in the state has a fucking mail-in ballot. These men are cowards. Seriously?! Are you going to shoot a little old lady in front of a polling center? It's voter intimidation...and it's only being done by one-side - the authoritarian side. Full disclosure: I wouldn't kill anyone for Mark Kelly. But I also don't think he would ask me to, which should be a credit to him. Unfortunately, I think we've conflated strength with violence for so long, I'm not sure people can tell the difference. And the saddest thing about this election is I'm kind of worried what will happen if the Republicans don't win. When people believe a free and fair election is a "Heads I Win - Tails You Lose" game, any outcome outside of that could unleash a wave of chaos.

There is a strong current of dehumanization in Republican ads this cycle and there's an instinct to fight fire with fire. I'm trying not to do that, not even in my head, because I know that my day-to-day concerns aren't too different from a Republican woman. I'm worried about how much it costs to buy groceries each week, because it seems to still be going up in spite of the Fed's "measures." I'm worried whether my child is safe at school, because every other week there's a news story about a pedophile teacher or a school shooting. I'm worried they're not getting a good education that prepares them for life. I'm concerned about the recent spate of women killing their babies or neglecting them to death, which makes me weary of forced motherhood (not all women should be mothers). And I have this sinking feeling that - for all this talk of self-care and resolving ancestral trauma - we're just perpetuating a cycle of suffering that the younger generations will have to untangle. If there are younger generations, of course, because the planet may well be unlivable in 50 years. There's enough fear and problems in the world, I'd actually just like to see one implementable solution. 

Are we listening

To hymns of offering?

Have we eyes to see

That love is gathering?

All the words that I've been reading

Have now started the act of bleeding

Into one, into one

I was listening to Jessica Dore's November offering last week and the following sentence stuck out to me: Your silence will not protect you. And, yes, she was talking about sharing her opinions and beliefs, both political and not. A lot of creators on social media try to stay in this neutral place, where they don't offend anyone and, thus, don't lose followers. In the past year, Dore's lost a lot of followers, in part because she has chosen to be more outspoken (with such an eventful year, how can you not be?). She is trying to frame it to focus not on who she is losing, but who she is aligning with. This is part of embracing authenticity and honoring your truth. Not everyone can (or will want to) accompany you on your journey.

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below

And I laugh at myself

While the tears roll down

'Cause it's the world I know

Oh it's the world I know

Let's talk a little bit about today's astrology. There's a total lunar eclipse in Taurus, conjunct Uranus and opposite Mercury and Venus. In addition to that, there's a Mercury Cazimi occurring today and, it goes without saying, but both Mercury and the Sun will be going through their oppositions to Uranus. Finally, the eclipse is activating the Saturn-Uranus square that we were experiencing throughout 2021. Although it's loosening, it's still within a three degree orb. Luckily, it's the last time that aspect will be activated, as Saturn will be entering Pisces in 2023, so the dust will settle once the aspect clears. As you can see, very chaotic energy. Not really a great day for an election in any country, but especially the United States. We're still in our Pluto Return, we have a Mars Retrograde in Gemini (we have natal Mars in Gemini), and everything happening now is setting the stage for our Uranus Return (we have natal Uranus in Gemini) that will kick off in unofficially 2025. This astrology portends a lot of power struggles, especially against authorities, a lot of fighting and arguing with Mars in the mix, and revolutionary ideas. I've been hearing about this eclipse for months on various astrology podcasts - Beware, Beware, the 8th of November! Well, it's here. What matters most is how you handle the energy. Maintain your calm and stability, like a Taurus. I haven't been handling it that well but we're almost done with eclipse season. And it's not all bad - someone may have woken up nearly $2 billion richer. It might've been you. It might've even been me. 

I chose "The World I Know" because it seemed fitting for a day like today. It's hard watching what's happening to the country and it's easy to feel powerless. In fact, that's what the video features - a man going about his day in New York City (the video is in blue tones, so you know he's sad), being confronted with homelessness, poverty, and despair throughout his commute. At some point, he decides the best solution would be to jump from the top of a building. But I guess he has a realization when a bird lands on his arm and instead of committing suicide, he tosses his money on the people below. This is obviously when people carried around massive quantities of cash, even in New York. I know....super crazy times. That being said, most people don't usually kill themselves over the news, but it can be a trigger. I can easily understand how someone who is going through something on a personal level might read something that triggers an emotional response that leads to them ending their life. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some of that energy floating around today, too. Take care of yourself. And if you're able to, go vote.

"The World I Know" Video

On Repeat: "I Want You" by Steven Sanchez

I mentioned in my last post I've been listening to Steven Sanchez on repeat, so I thought I would share one of his songs. I first discovered Steven Sanchez when I heard a snippet of "Until I Found You" on the radio, which I rarely listen to - I think what happened is I was unplugging my phone from the car. I fell in love with his voice. He sounds, to me, like an old-school rock & roll musician, in the vein of Frankie Valli, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and maybe even a little bit of Elvis (when he was first starting). I'm sure if I looked up Sanchez' biography, I would even find those names in his list of influences. As I said, I love his voice. Some people love basses and baritones, but I'm finding I'm a connoisseur of tenors. There's something sweet and sorrowful, poetic and romantic about his music, and that's what makes him one of my favorite new artists.

They say the veil is thinnest on All Hallow's Eve. That's true - but what people don't realize is that it's not just spirits that come through. It's everything you've been hiding, suppressing, repressing, and keeping in the dark that also comes up for air. Being a water sign, Scorpio is deeply entwined with emotions, especially the effect they have on our psychology and our subconscious desires. You would think the Moon would be happy in Scorpio, but it's not. The Moon is in its Fall in Scorpio, meaning emotions don't flow as freely as they might in Cancer or Pisces, or be expressed as elegantly as they might in Taurus. But Scorpio Moons do feel deeply, possibly more deeply and intensely than any other sign...but they'll never let you know that (because they fear it's a weakness, a chink in their impenetrable armor). Being a Fixed sign, Scorpio tends to hold on to things, long after they're useful or even healthy. Halloween becomes an opportunity for these difficult emotions to be purged, which is why these things come up. They'll come out eventually, and often not in the way we'd expect or intend.

I've been oversleeping so much that I've been bored of dreaming

And just wake up, not next to you

In this paper town where I live, boxes pass along and I wish

That I was sitting in one with you

With you

I've been hesitant to share this song, even though I've been enjoying it for over half a year. It never fails to make me cry and music like that feels incredibly personal and vulnerable to share. Because if you ask anyone who knows me, I don't cry. At least, they've never seen me cry. Apparently, 'stoic' is a word a lot of people would use to describe me. And that may be true. I'm not completely emotionless - others would say I tend to "broadcast" my thoughts with my facial expressions (that's the Gemini Rising), which I like to think makes me a fun conversationalist - but I do tend to keep a lot of things private. And while on the surface, this seems like a sweet, romantic, old-fashioned song, it uncovers a deep inner wounding for me around abandonment, rejection, worthiness, not belonging, and not being chosen. As much as I try to work on these things, there are some songs that always peel back another layer, leaving me feeling raw and broken.

You've been overthinking so much, the traffic in your head

Oh, they rush at the thought of someone new

Laurеn, why can't you accept it?

I love you and I'm not pretеnding when I say those words to you

The overarching story of the song describes the love you feel, even after someone has hurt you. How you may still want them in your life, even if it's painful. My mind keeps coming back to this episode from one of the later seasons of "Hannah Montana." (Stay with me, this is leading somewhere, I promise.) Miley is torn between two guys - her boyfriend, Jake, who has hurt her in the past, and a new musician she's working with, Jesse. For reference, objectively speaking, Jesse was hotter. In a moment of despair, she asks her mother (who is dead) for help. For some reason, she has headshots of both on her bed and the wind blows one of the headshots to land at Miley's feet. It's the picture of Jesse but the episode ends with her reaffirming her love for Jake. Jesse is heartbroken but he understands. 

Having researched a little bit while writing this, I know by the end of the Hannah Montana, she breaks up with Jake because he's cheating on her and she ends up with Jesse anyway. Which, romantically speaking, always made more sense - they had similar personalities, they were both passionate about music and they channeled that passion into the work they did together (yes, he stayed in her band, even after she rejected him). They clicked well so, with the knowledge of how it all ends, I have no idea what she was thinking when looking at his headshot. Originally, I thought she looked at his headshot and she was disappointed. But it now occurs to me that she could've picked it up and felt scared about having to break up with Jake, because they shared a lot of history (three seasons worth) together. Or maybe she felt guilty for having feelings for someone outside of her current relationship. Or anxiety about taking the leap and it not working out. I'm not sure and I don't think we're meant to know. To quote "Titanic," "a woman's heart is a deep ocean." The Universe gave her the answer and, in the end, that was the outcome. Script writing is easy and simple like that. As you can tell, I spend way to much of my time thinking about "Hannah Montana." I spend way too much of my time thinking about a lot of things. How you do one thing is how you do all things....and all that jazz.

I will be your friend, but love you in my soul
I'll never feel another way, just thought I'd let you know
You've knocked me to the floor
Since the moment I saw you
Every minute, every hour, if you'll have me, I want you

As a step away from the antics of "Hannah Montana," I have to acknowledge that the inner wounds I've mentioned also awaken a deep well of anger and hurt. As a Scorpio Moon, I hate to be the person who was hurt more. Having a Mars-ruled Moon (and the Mars in my chart is also debilitated, being in Cancer, Mars' Fall), there's obviously something competitive about this, and being the weaker one, the one who loses, is unfathomable. Scorpio placements, in particular, struggle with feeling weak and vulnerable, especially in an emotional way. In my head, if you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you far worse, such complete overkill that you will never pick up the pieces. I desire vengeance - beyond justice - and part of me honestly believes this other person doesn't deserve happiness, but instead deserves the worst life can throw at them, deserves even more pain and hurt than they've caused me. It scares me because these thoughts and feelings make me worry that I'm not as good a person as I'd like to think. But then I'm reminded that it isn't a good person who would hurt me in such a way to push me to this extreme (which is hard to do). Why am I spending so much emotional energy on such a person? If they had cared about me at all and were as deeply remorseful about hurting me as they should be, they would've jumped off a building by now.

Underneath everything, though, I'm angry with myself. For putting myself in such a vulnerable situation; for being naïve, hopeful, and trusting at the time; for suppressing the anger I felt afterwards out of a misguided idea that I should be compassionate and understanding, despite being left feeling pathetic and worthless; and I'm angry at myself for still feeling deeply wounded many years later. I want to scream at them, "You take this, it's yours! You take this hurt, this pain you forced on me! I don't want it!" I never wanted it, I never expected it. It feels like a loss to carry this burden myself. So no, they don't deserve to be happy, not if I'm hurting like this still. 

I've been trying to understand where this anger is coming from, trying to explain it to myself as I sit with it. From what I've gathered, it comes from the feeling that someone violated a sacred boundary for me, and took advantage of my vulnerability, and my generous and loving nature. And even if I could punish them, ruin their life and become that harbinger of karma, there's this inner conflict of not wanting to. Because, at my core, that's not who I want to be. That is not the highest expression of my Scorpio Moon. Even though it might feel really good in the moment, in my heart, I know I don't want to burn that bridge. I don't think I should. As such, I have to accept that I myself cannot balance the scale, not in a way that is satisfying, and that acceptance feels like a loss to me. I have to trust that by "taking the L" (which, being ruled by Mars, Scorpio placements are loathe to do), I'm surrendering this hurt to the Universe, which will be able to carry out divine justice in a more fitting way and time than I ever could.

If I learn to love myself, will it keep you from loving someone else?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
If learning to love would cost my life, I'd spend it all on you and I

I realize this took a dark turn but, during Scorpio season, you have to let go what is asking to be freed. This is the most necessary step in transmuting darkness into light. Happy Halloween.

November Update: I cannot overstate the life-changing magic of identifying and naming what you're feeling. I was having a tough time moving through this fog at the end of October and writing down what I felt was the ugly stuff has helped me let it go a little bit. Not completely but it's not all-consuming anymore. I'm trying to embrace the BOTH/AND. For example, you can BOTH love someone and have compassion for their experience AND still be extremely angry at them because how they treated you was royally fucked up. The struggle is real.

"I Want You" Video

"Desire" by Meg Myers

I've been obsessed with this song since about August. I discovered it when I was browsing Jordan Kensley's Instagram (Jordan is a pole dancer who I took a floor work workshop with in September....she's super nice and an amazing dancer). Honestly, trying to understand why I love it so much has been a mind fuck. Obviously, I connect with it on some level. It describes something I feel frequently. Beyond that, it's part of myself I (and definitely many others) have sublimated for a long time. Sure, it's an Unskippable, but what makes it an Unskippable is the whole point of this blog, right? The rawness of emotion - an emotion many people feel intense shame for - is palpable. 

"Lilith" by John Collier

I spend a little bit of every day studying and trying to understand esoteric concepts. Astrology, mos def, but others as well - ghosts/spirits, alchemy (the spiritual kind), divinity, demonology, manifestation, etc, etc. I thought for Scorpio season (especially since it's also Eclipse season) I would dive into sacred sexuality and tantra (again). Specifically, I've been ruminating on this idea of Desire as Direction. And that doesn't just mean sexual desire but whatever kind of desire it is, it's a dangerous idea to society as it stands today. Not only that but it's a scary idea. I'm not sure the average person has much experience with admitting what they desire with their whole chest. It's vulnerable, it's risky, because one of the outcomes is not getting what you want. I mean, that is the outcome if you don't take ownership of what you desire anyway, but it's easier somehow - you can make excuses. Oh, I never said anything. Oh, I knew I'd get turned down anyway (no, you didn't). And a lot of the time, our desires are painted as silly, childish fantasies anyway, so why are you so hung up about it?

Baby, wanna touch you

I wanna breathe into your well

See, I gotta to hunt you

I gotta bring you to my hell

Baby, I wanna fuck you,

I wanna feel you in my bones

Boy, I'm gonna love you

I'm gonna tear into your soul

Of course, there's the even scarier implication for the reverse, because if Desire is Direction, then Lack of Desire is a sign you're on the wrong path. If that's the case, you might need to let go of things that are really comfortable. A career, relationships, hobbies, personality traits, habits, clothes...all sorts of things you've been holding on to. There's this manifestation exercises where you imagine who you would be if you had everything you wanted - dream career, dream partner, dream wardrobe, dream life - what does that look like? For some people, that's so different then how their lives look today that it's overwhelming and discouraging. To get from point A to point B requires so much change on their part that they'd rather not bother. Perhaps it goes without saying, but Scorpio falls in my 6th House - the House of Habit, Health, and Routine. Larger transformation requires discipline in the mundane. And if you don't desire something to change, it never will. Desire is Direction. If you aren't pursuing something with intensity, why are you even doing it?

"Desire" is about wanting someone so much, it's all consuming. The lyrics may seem kind of violent to some but then those are probably the sort of people who have never desired someone so much, they weren't sure if they wanted to fuck the person or kill them. Yes, I imagine this would make for some rather rough, predator/prey type sex. The wording of the chorus is notable. "Do you want me?" is a very different question from "How do you want me?" She knows whoever she's singing to wants her back and he/she can have her. Any way they want. So what are they waiting for? Because the waiting is just pissing her off. The chorus sounds like a frustrated demand, and it is. I'm choosing when (now) and where (here), you get to choose the how. The music is intense and dark, highlighting the gravity of her desire, the vulnerability of what she's asking for. I'm just not sure Desire is something the average woman feels free enough to embody, which makes this song subversive. Do you ever notice that? How male artists can sing about sex all day but when a female artists say the words "I want to fuck you" in their lyrics, it's somehow dirtier and more raw? 

Desire, I'm hungry

I hope you feed me

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

The landscape today is more open to differences in sexual expression. It seems, to me, every other girl is coming out as asexual or demisexual (only becomes interested in sex when they have an emotional connection), but it's still a difficult world for women who are decidedly sexual and open about it. There's still so much stigma around polyamory, kink, one-night stands, tantra, and out of the whole LGBTQIA rainbow, bisexuals/pansexuals are still told they're sexuality isn't legitimate (by both sides of the homo-hetero spectrum). Women are told to "respect themselves" but for some, that still means withholding sex, even within the confines of a (monogamous) committed relationship. We're told to treat ourselves like a Queen but I've never identified with that archetype. Queens don't dance, Queens don't sing, they don't take lovers who are their equals, and they make some rules but ultimately, they uphold the rules of society. It's an archetype about control and image, of wealth and power. I've always valued individuality and authenticity, wildness and freedom. I am uncontrollable to everyone except myself, and I like it that way. As such, I've always found myself drawn to the archetypes of the Temptress, the Succubus, the Siren, and (in their higher forms) the Sacred Courtesan. As you can imagine, a different kind of goddess invokes those themes.

Honey, I wanna break you

I wanna throw you to the hounds,

Yeah I gotta hurt you

I gotta hear from your mouth

Boy, I wanna taste you

I wanna skin you with my tongue

I'm gonna kill you,

I'm gonna lay you in the ground

When I finally dropped the pretense of Catholicism and decided that - yes, indeed - the path of witchcraft and paganism was for me, Lilith was the first goddess who called to me. And while in more recent years, others have called - Persephone, Brigid, Hekate - Lilith is still a vital part of my practice. I love her darkness, her wildness, her dedication to living her truth, even if it defies the rules. Whereas Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil out of ignorance, Lilith ate from it knowing the consequences. And she walked out of the Garden, naked, head held high, confident that she would be able to continue on her own. Underlying all the overarching messages of freedom, empowerment, and equality, lies the beating heart of Lilith's story: rejection. And not her rejection of Adam, but of his rejection of her. God gave him his equal, in every way, and he rejected Lilith for a partner who was weaker, less wild, less free-spirited, less attuned to her own bodily autonomy. One who was and would be dependent on him. Ultimately, one who wouldn't (and couldn't) challenge his authority as master of all that lived in the Garden of Eden. In short, he chose power over love. The only thing Lilith asked for was partnership, and that was too much. The lesson here is if you can't have equal partnership - if you can't find someone who is willing to hold space for all of you - choose freedom.

I wanna feel you, I want it all

I wanna feel you, I want it all

The video is fitting for Spooky Season. In fact, it's inspired by numerous horror films. Meg Myers plays the role of our fearless Final Girl, confronting the entity that's been haunting her dilapidated house. Water is everywhere, all the classic 70s furniture is lighted with that sickly yellow tinge, spooky handprints show up on the mirror, creepy cartoons on the old-fashioned CRT. Then it takes an unexpected turn. A phantom picks her up like a lover and throws her on the pullout couch/bed. I think you know what happens next - ghost sex. This is apparently a real phenomenon, and you can find numerous reports of *ahem* spectral encounters through various ghost hunting sites and books. I love this video but I can't help but imagine how awkward it was to film it. There was definitely a buff stunt man decked out in that green bodysuit spinning her around and "positioning" her. And can we also talk about how understated and sexy a plain camisole and panties is? That's probably why it's the official uniform of every teenaged girl who dies while having sex in slasher flicks. The performance Meg gives in the video is absolutely emblematic of the vibe, though - innocent, maybe a bit ashamed of how she feels, but she still knows what she wants.

"Desire" Music Video

This eclipse season is already driving me crazy....and I'm letting it. My eye has been twitching a bit, I think it's just exhaustion because I haven't been getting good sleep. I'm listening to Steven Sanchez songs on repeat. Starting to write more, even though I'm in sort of a cocoon stage in my life. Mostly, I just feel really destructive and full of bad ideas. The partial solar eclipse in Scorpio occurred this morning, October 25th, at approximately 3:38am (AZ time).  Both this eclipse, and the total lunar eclipse in Taurus on November 8th, is making a lot of aspects within my chart. Most of them are good - the eclipse with be trine my Venus in Cancer (trine is the most harmonious aspect), and the actual eclipse is loosely conjunct my Moon and Pluto in Scorpio (a mixed bag), but unfortunately, the eclipse with be square (by degree) my Mars in Cancer. Squares always come with a little trouble. And the ruler of this eclipse, Mars, is tearing up my 1st House (Gemini) and is getting ready to station retrograde for another pass. As you may have guessed, the astrology for 4Q 2022 is pretty gnarly, so have fun out there.

"Cubicles" by My Chemical Romance

 As stated in the previous post, I went to go see My Chemical Romance last month. It was amazing, thanks for asking. I loved it so much that I hope I get to see them perform again one day. Maybe with someone who also loves them as much as I do (not that I didn't enjoy the time with my husband). Part of me would honestly like to follow MCR around the country going to their shows but I know that's not realistic. I have responsibilities and I think the desire stems from the on-going grief I feel knowing that I'm not young enough to do something like that anymore. Ironically, the thing that shocked me most about the concert was how many young people (i.e., Gen-Z folks) were at the concert. My coworker is going to the "When We Were Young" festival in Las Vegas this weekend (yes, I'm super jealous). I was looking at the line-up and, indeed, it was basically the dream festival I had always imagined as a teenager. MCR, Paramore, Ice Nine Kills, Black Veil Brides, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, All-American Rejects.....the gang's all gonna be there! For reference, my coworker is 25. He was literally like 5 years old when most of these bands were popular and, at most, 10 years old when they faded out. Youth is wasted on the young.

I have this habit of treating a lot of things like I'm studying for a test. Like if I don't do things exactly perfect, it won't match my vision of how things should be, and everything will be ruined. Another thing I'm working on. I tend to go from one hyper-fixation to the next in this way. Or rather, I indulge myself with a little obsession, which I like to believe prevents me from diving wholly into crazy territory. With a goal or a deadline, I only go so far into the rabbit hole. Thus, in preparation for this concert - a concert I've been waiting for approximately half of my life - I listened through MCR's entire repertoire (or, at least, as much of it is available on Spotify). This process reunited me with old favorites, to be sure - favorites I still listen to fairly frequently, if I'm being honest. This process also re-introduced me to songs I didn't fully identify with when I was younger that I now understand deeply, in a way that is only possible with age and experience. One of those songs being (obviously) "Cubicles."

They didn't play this song during the concert but I'm not surprised. The set list was mostly songs from "Fabulous Killjoys" and "Black Parade," with only a smattering of the most popular songs from the earlier albums, a few B-sides and later singles. Makes sense....those two albums were released at the height of their popularity. But I personally prefer the older stuff - it is less polished, considerably darker and more melancholy. Don't get me wrong - I love it all. But the songs that changed (and, in some cases, saved) my life were on "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love" and "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." This song is from "I Brought You My Bullets," which, for some reason, reminds me of Autumn. I associate the main MCR albums with seasons - "Black Parade" is obviously Winter, "Fabulous Killjoys" reminds me of Summer, and I guess that means "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" would be Spring. Don't ask me why. It's probably because of the coloring of the album covers and the general aesthetic for each of the releases. I'm rambling now. Old age, you know. Give an old lady some grace.

It's the tearing sound of love-notes

Coming out these rusted windows

And the view outside is sterile

And I'm only two cubes down

A photocopy all the things that we could be

If you took the time to notice me

But you can't now, I don't blame you

And it's not your fault that no one ever does

Let's talk about "Cubicles." On the surface, the singer is lamenting that his work crush has gotten another job and left. Ultimately, though, it's about the depth of loneliness one feels after the loss of connection, even if the potential of that connection was tenuous or merely imagined to be there. We tend to grow attached to the people we're around the most and now, especially in early adulthood, we often spend most of our time around our coworkers and classmates. It's natural to form attachments to and crushes on them. It's psychological - our survival depends on the people we spend the most time with so our brain associates positive feelings with them (even if the actual relationship is not particularly enjoyable). As someone who often feels like I'm always the one who feels the connection deeper and becomes more attached, I understand this song on so many levels. There's the obvious layer of unrequited love (which the singer may or may not have admitted to their person), which is a difficult situation. Although, given life perspective, I don't think it's as bad as being in a relationship that is abusive or where you feel trapped. I've always been able to get over unrequited love, which isn't really love if you don't know the person that well. In fact, it's possible the crush wouldn't turn into love at all if they had a chance to be with the object of their affection. Getting to know someone always dashes the fantasy of who they are and who they could be. Disappointment has ultimately been harder to move on from than rejection. But maybe that's the situation here - maybe he was close with his work crush. Maybe they were even friends, good friends, best friends....at least, in his mind, they were. And then they left this job and completely stopped communicating with the singer. Not only does it ruin his hopes of what they could've grown into but also puts into stark reality exactly how much whatever friendship existed was valued. And that's where the disappointment comes in. When you realize you don't mean as much to the other person as they mean to you, even though it seemed mutual when you were in the midst of it. And yet, you still have to see reminders of them everywhere. Like old Teams messages or references to something they said in an email. Or seeing their name on slide decks and glimpses of their face in pictures of the last office party, stashed away on a shared drive. A cruel joke of corporate romance.

But you don't work here anymore

It's just a vacant three by four

And they might fill your place

A temporary stand-in for your face

This happens all the time

And I can't help but think I'll die alone

In the song, he laments that, sometimes, he thinks he'll die alone. By the end of the song, it doesn't sound like such a tragic option. The lyrics change to "I think I'd love to die alone." Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. I've come to realize that I don't mind being alone as much as I used to. I like my own company. I'm a pretty awesome person....way more interesting than most people I meet. And I'm not great at small talk. I've only been at this job for about 8 months and I only recently started feeling like I formed casual friendships with my coworkers. It struck me how slow this process has been but maybe it's supposed to be. I've only been going to my pole studio for about 6 months and I'm gradually becoming a fixture. I've met most of the teachers and they all recognize my face when I show up to class. I have people I chat with when I go to class - maybe I'm not as close with them as with my first group of pole sisters, but we're getting there. It's a very different dynamic between the main social circles of my life. There was a time when the only social interaction I got was at work - when that's the case, it's easy to get overly attached to the people there. That's the bullshit workplaces are trying to pull, right? You're family here! No, no you're not. It's an act of rebellion to have a vibrant life outside your work, outside your home, outside the tiny little boxes society has built for us. It's nice to say I do something other than watch TV when I'm outside work. It's a good thing that my career is no longer all that I am.

So I'll spend my time with strangers

A condition, and it's terminal

In this water-cooler romance

And its coming to a close

We could be in the park and dancing by a tree

Kicking over blades we see

Or a dark beach with a black view

As pin-pricks in the velvet catch our fall

I'm gradually learning not to be so attached to people. That the best relationships in my life took years to form, not months. Over the summer, I got to meet up with my best friend from high school multiple times. It was amazing to talk to someone who knew so much of my history and still understood so much of who I am, even though we had several years to catch up on. I've been on a walk down memory lane much of the past few months, honoring my inner teenager, because I never really got to enjoy that time of my life. I was stuck in survival mode for most of it, and the things that got me through it were the aforementioned best friend, music, writing, reading, and performing. Not surprisingly, the Sun, Mercury, and Venus have been transiting Libra, my 5th House where my South Node is located. The 5th House is associated with Leisure, Fun, Childhood, Creativity, Love, and Play. These themes have been very present in my life and it's been a period of trying to get back to those things, the things that bring me joy and happiness, especially in terms of my relationships (both with self and others). It's been an area of life that has been out-of-balance for a while, so I'm trying to let the scales do their work.

Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die
Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die alone

The Universe agrees and has been sending me signs. A few memorable ones - pulling out of pole class and stopping behind a truck with a license plate that said "DREAMBIGG." I tried to take a picture but it turned out blurry (and I'm sure the driver thought I was crazy...which I am). Another time, a few weeks ago, I was at the gate for work and the car next to me was a Mini-Cooper with a license plate that said "ZIIPPY." If you don't get it, that's alright. It means something to me and I got the message.

As you may already know, Taylor Swift's new album, "Midnights," dropped at (you guessed it!) midnight today. I'll eventually get around to listening it but you know how I like to slowly discover my T-Swift gems. But it's just one more thing to look forward to. Happy Friday!

"Cubicles" Video

"She Knows" by J.Cole (feat. Amber Coffman and Cults)

I'm up at 3:30am and - instead of lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, like I do most work nights - I'm leaning into it. I can tell I have a high level of anxiety in my body. And I haven't written in a while. Haven't been able to gather the brain power, but I'll speak on that more later (in a very belated birthday post). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and as such, this post might be more stream of consciousness than anything I would normally put on this blog. It's not even much about the song, even though I know it's the inspiration that's getting me writing this morning. It's a banger that I keep hearing on Instagram reels. I decided to hunt down and listen to the full version on Spotify - best decision I've made in the past couple hours, mos def. 

Bad things happen to the people you love

And you find yourself praying up to heaven above

But honestly, I've never had much sympathy

'Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me

In about 24 hours, I'll be on a plane to Houston to go see the My Chemical Romance concert. An event I've been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. I bought the tickets the day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who will turn two in about two weeks. Yep, you did the math right - the original concert was supposed to happen when I was about 9-months pregnant. And yes, I was fully intending to go, belly and all. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking that day, but I can tell you I had been panicking and crying a lot. For various reasons, most of which were my own fault. The Universe (and the COVID-19 pandemic) had other plans and the timing actually worked out in my favor. Now, the concert is more like a little vacation for me than an overnight trip. It's supposed to be relaxing. But I'm anxious - about leaving my children, about flying (which I haven't done in over three years - even though I love flying usually), about the hotel reservations, about whether these new-fangled digital tickets will work when I get to the door, about getting out of a concert late at night in a strange city, about not going to work (I have taken very little PTO since I started....8 months ago)...you get the idea. There's a level of restlessness in my body that's hard to handle. And even though I spent all yesterday cleaning and our rental house is the tidiest I've seen it since we moved in, I find myself finding small, meaningless tasks to occupy my hands. 

I almost don't want to go, which is crazy. Not only did I (and my parents - the plane tickets were my birthday gift) spend a lot of money on this trip, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I missed my chance when MCR was originally really big. I was in my late teens/early 20s and a broke college student - concerts weren't exactly in my budget, even though some really good ones passed through Pan-Am Center while I was at NMSU. And considering how much of my life has been dedicated to music, I don't go to concerts very often, and I wish I could. Adulthood, am I right? I can't stay home - I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, like I always do, I'm going to suck it up and push through, in spite of the anxiety and fear, because I have no other choice. I've never had any other choice.

Got me up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

I be up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

The weird thing about being on a healing/spiritual journey (what...you thought I was writing about music?) is that I'm painfully aware of my patterns. This one - a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, "The Big Leap" - is an Upper Limit Problem. Essentially, when something good is happening in our life, we find ways to sabotage it because we've been conditioned that we don't deserve good things, we don't deserve happiness. Our mind manufactures drama to bring us down from the high, to "safe" emotional levels. Mind you, these emotional levels might not even really be safe - our standard emotional level may be chronic depression, addiction, suicidal ideation, self-destruction, or high-functioning anxiety. There are a lot of good things in my life right now and even though I don't have everything I want, there's a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself of that every morning - yes, I have a gratitude practice where I write down three things I'm grateful for daily. It's a practice I've kept up for 650+ days straight (according to my app) - I started it shortly after my youngest was born, when I was in the depths of PPD. It helps - I'm a much happier person than I was back then. 

Which brings me to my Upper Limit Problem - I tend to get really anxious and fearful when I'm looking forward to something or I'm in a situation that makes me really happy. I know why this is - good things were always intertwined with anxiety and fear when I was growing up. Delicious food was always tainted with comments about my body or weight (same with nice, new clothes - hence why I don't often buy clothes for myself and certainly not the kind of clothes I want to wear); my dad being home would often mean overhearing scary arguments/fights and eventually, he would leave on deployment; a trip to Disneyland (or any other family vacation) could quickly turn south if my mom had a mood swing (which was pretty much every trip). I always got straight As, lead roles in theatre, solos in choir - but none of this ever came with praise. It barely even got attention, so if I seem weirded out by compliments and congratulations, it's because nothing I've ever done seemed to warrant it. The irony of my life is that I yearn to be seen and understood, yet actually getting what I want makes me deeply uncomfortable, even scared. And that leads to me downplaying it or fucking things up in some way. It's a large part of what stops me from seriously trying to publish my writing (a hurdle I'm still working through). And the truth is that - for a brief, shining moment in my life - I was able to forget some of those insecurities and fears. And I lost it, and I've been spending the last few years trying to get it back. A YouTube creator I follow explained the journey like a snow globe - if you want the pretty snow (or glitter), you have to be able to handle the shake-up. The shake-up is the hard part where you have to confront your triggers, fears, and insecurities and do the work to get past them. I suppose I'm still in the shake-up.

Only bad thing 'bout a star is they burn up

Rest in peace to Aaliyah

Rest in peace to Left Eye (Left Eye)

Michael Jackson, I'll see ya

Just as soon as I die (I die)

I've been listening to "She Knows" on repeat while I've been writing this. I said this post didn't really have anything to do with the song but, in it's own way, it describes the Upper Limit Problem. The singer is succeeding in one part of his life (his career) but totally messing up another part of his life (his relationship). He is so focused on his own stardom and playing a role - and he finds himself justifying the things he's doing. She knows....heck, she's probably even doing the same thing. Underneath it all, it's this very real fear that he doesn't deserve any of it - the career, the fame, the fortune, and a happy relationship. That he's not good enough for any of it, that he can't be what they want him to be.

Well, all right, oh, I, oh, I-I-I

I can't be what you want from me, well, all right

I don't know if any of the above made sense but thanks for reading this rant. I feel better now.

"She Knows" Video

Double Feature: Machine Gun Kelly

Last Thursday, I was feeling kind of low on the drive into work. I could hardly focus on the Nightlight Astrology podcast I was listening to. Personal troubles were on my mind. I could hear Acuyta Bhava-Das talking about Mars conjunct Mercury in Pisces, relating it to this idea of not forcing things. When my heart is sunken like this, it is my habit of turning to the Universe for guidance. And, yes, much like the crazy person I am, I asked the Universe what I needed to know and what I needed to do. At this point, Acuyta is explaining about moving forward with grace and how, when we feel strongly about something, when we believe in something with our whole heart, some people may lose sight of the need for grace and compassion in favor of convincing others of their position. I'm no stranger to this - with my Mercury in Cancer opposite Neptune in Capricorn, my talent with words can often be combined with an almost preternatural gift of pinpointing another's weakness and fears. Mostly to hide how easily they could destroy me, if they wanted. My bark is worse than my bite, and I don't bark often anymore. And I feel defenseless. We'll circle back around to that idea but, first, my conversation with the mysterious sky spirits who live in my car. Specifically the radio, because many of my messages come in the form of music. And when I disconnected my phone, the song on the radio was Rihanna's "Love on the Brain."

You may notice this post is not about Rihanna. Don't get me wrong - her original version of "Love on the Brain" is a masterpiece and beautiful in its own right. But this is one of those rare occasions where I love the cover more. In fact, I love the cover so much that I wish he had done an actual recording of the whole song, not just a snippet for YouTube. During COVID lockdowns, to keep busy, MGK would call up his various celebrity/musician friends and ask them for a song request for him to cover. "Love on the Brain," inexplicably, was Marilyn Manson's suggestion. And the world is better for it.

There are few songs that express the pain of loving someone as exquisitely as "Love on the Brain." The best part of the song is that it is raw. The singer - whether it be Rihanna or MGK - is defenseless. It's important to note where each of the singers were when they either wrote or recorded this song. Rihanna was in a seriously abusive relationship with Chris Brown and in April 2020, MGK was falling in love (or was already in love) with someone who was still married (Megan Fox). In general, though, the song speaks to any type of situationship, where someone has fallen deep and the other person uses them (for sex, attention, to play a role in their life, favors, as a convenient punching bag) because they can. It's cruel. I read somewhere - probably in a pithy Instagram post - that the person who loves less has the power. I think this song is a testament to that, in some ways. Both Rihanna and MGK have strong Pisces placements and Pisces is associated with self-sacrifice and this idea that one would rather suffer if it means their loved ones would be happy. In the song, it's clear that the singer will take whatever the object of their affection is willing to give, even if it's only breadcrumbs.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

Love, if you ask the cynics, is just a complex cocktail of hormones and emotions, mostly driven by your own special psychological tragic backstory. I watched a TED talk once about a woman's experience trying to get over her ex. She went to a neuroscientist and they did scans of her brain. They showed her the parts of her brain that lit up when she thought of her ex and they said "we can get rid of this for you." But why? Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yourself? Did you even watch that movie?!!! The whole point of the movie is that, even though it's painful, that part is worth keeping. That love is worth keeping, even if it has ended, even if it tears you apart inside. Because most people don't really ever get the chance feel that deeply about anything. Maybe that's my Scorpio Moon talking.

The next song I want to talk about is the song MGK performed at the Billboard Music Awards a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful selection from his most recent album, "mainstream sellout," which was released this past March - a song aptly named, "twin flame." The whole Twin Flame thing has really grown in the past few years, especially in the spiritual community (you can't really avoid it now whereas you never heard of it before 2019). We can go into all the reasons it's problematic, chief among them is that it's a favorite lovebombing tactic of narcissists and other psychological abusers to tell someone that they're their "soulmate/twin flame" and, unconsciously, the victim/survivor accepts bad behavior out of some corrupted idea of this person being their one and only love. Nope, not going into that, because it makes me really sad and I love the romance between MGK and Megan Fox. It's beautiful and it's real and gives me faith that real love exists, so if they want to believe they're twin flames - fuck it! - they're twin flames. 

MGK wrote this song back before they truly started dating - around the same time he did the "Love on the Brain" cover I ranted about above - and you can tell he still feels this strongly (perhaps even more so) about her two years later. That's how I know it's real. They've both had a lot of time to get to know each other's authentic selves and, instead of being disappointed and let down, they seem even more in love. They don't fight - I'm sure they have disagreements but not relationship rupturing screaming matches. They both are publicly very supportive of each other's careers. Neither of them act jealous or possessive and when situations like that come up, they reaffirm their commitment to the other. MGK famously told a fan (who asked him to suck her toes) that "there's only one set of toes I'm sucking from now on." And you kind of get a taste of the depth of how much MGK loves Megan in the "twin flame" lyrics. 

Some context - Megan Fox was separated from her current husband (Brian Austin Green) when she met MGK. Now, they say their divorce was amicable - and it was, for the most part - but divorce is never pleasant. Green continually asserted that he still loved Megan and often used their children publicly to subtly manipulate her into feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. Something I'm sure MGK noticed because, when someone you love is hurting, how can you ignore it? Long story short, MGK and Megan's relationship started off as "It's Complicated." So that's what's encapsulated in the lyrics - a mix of emotions resulting from being in love with someone you can't quite be with (yet).

It's been six days since the last time

I saw your face and you asked my sign

I told you mine, I questioned why

And you said, "Everything's aligned"

On the first day, you told me

I was your twin flame from a past life

And tonight, the moon is full

So take me anywhere outside

I cannot kiss you yet, you're magic

So I'll just stare at you instead

I get insecure and panic

'Cause I know you're too pure for this

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? The song starts when Megan and MGK first met and it's been a few days since he's spent time with her. Megan is interested in spiritual topics (yes, she is the one that declared them to be "twin flames"), one of which being astrology. Now, I don't think she's a total student of astrology to the point where she'd take a 38-week class (like yours truly) but she probably knows enough to be dangerous. I think she probably asked for more than his sign, she probably asked him for his full birth data so she could pull up his chart. And, because he was truly head over heels, he probably hunted down his birth time so he could give it to her. So Astro-Girls, if he asks his mom what time he was born just so you can look up his moons or some shit, he's probably really into you....because most men don't do that for anyone (male astrologers are the exception, not the rule). They usually roll their eyes and act like astrology is weird or stupid. But if he's really interested, he'll want to know as much as he can just so he has a reason to talk to you, which clearly happened with MGK. 

Then there's the chorus. He clearly struggling to believe this is real, that he deserves to be in love and to have a good, healthy relationship with that person. Psychologists say that the most difficult relationship for a lot of people (especially those with traumatic or emotionally neglectful childhoods) is your first healthy one. It's counterintuitive. But a lot of people have been programmed to believe that abuse is love. And when someone shows up who loves them without abuse, they don't trust it. It seems either boring or really scary, and it brings up all sorts of triggers around self-worth. They often think they don't deserve real love, that there's something inherently unlovable and bad about themselves. Or they think it's an elaborate trick - that the other person is lying to them and pretending to love them. Eventually, they believe the other person will stop loving them - will betray them, leave them, hurt them - and they'll be alone. Again. The problem is that this sort of mindset is exactly what ends the healthy relationship. It's hard to love a brick wall, no matter how patient, kind, and loving a person is.

Clearly, MGK got his shit together and things worked out for him and Megan. And I'm here for it. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm sharing the Billboard Music Awards performance but the album version is equally impactful. He shares a snippet from one of his and Megan's phone calls, where he's being vulnerable about how he feels and she tells him she loves him. It's sweet and very personal.

Back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity): I've been really going through it this Mercury Retrograde and Eclipse Season. It's left me feeling stupid, naïve, and drained. The shooting in Uvalde hit a little too close to home and I find myself both in deep grief and wholly enraged. And powerless, let's not forget that. I often use astrology as a meaning making system - we all need one. It helps, when I get frustrated with praying. I've been thinking about the transits to my chart lately. Saturn in going through the 9H and Uranus is wrecking up the 12H. Both Houses have connections to spirituality and deeply held beliefs. The 9H is what you believe on the surface, the 12H is the subconscious. And both are going through a major overhaul, it seems, and what I feel is an intense internal struggle. On the surface, I believe that, no matter what, you keep pushing, you keep working, and eventually, things will happen. All the power I need is within myself - this is a very Jupiter in Aries stance. I am the god of my reality. But underneath, I look around and I feel powerless to change things, even things I'm actively trying to change. It's a crisis of Faith. And I'm barely holding on sometimes but the only thing one can do to get through times like these is to put one foot in front of the other. It may not be much but the other option - standing still, staying stuck - has never appealed to me.

"The Last Time" by Taylor Swift feat. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol (Taylor's Version)

I haven't posted on this blog in over a year. Truth be told, 2021 was an emotional rollercoaster. Worse than 2020? Yes, in some ways. I have been writing, just not here. But I feel like it's time to return to my safe place for screaming into the void. No intentions, no promises, just writing about the music I love and the thoughts, feelings, and visions it elicits when I hear it. I'm in a completely different place than where I was a year ago, both physically and psychologically. I'm in the midst of creating something new, using the bits and pieces I have left to work with. Something beautiful and better.

I'm finally getting around to reading the 33 1/3 book I bought, "How to Write About Music." After a quick browse and reading through the introduction, the gist is - maybe there's no wrong way to write about music? Some of the excerpts included are powerful and thought-provoking, written by people who have actually studied music in a formal setting. And some of them are honest thoughts about pieces that made the author feel something they couldn't quite describe but they tried anyway. One of the pieces featured is literally someone going through a Taylor Swift album and writing a few sentences of how each song made them feel. Seeing as how that is what this blog is quickly devolving into, it resonated on a deep level. Regardless, I think I'll return to writing about how the song I write about make me feel, the messages they tell me, the ideas and visions they lead me to, and the lessons they teach me. 

"The Last Time" has become one of my favorite T-Swift songs in the last few months. Since she released "Red (Taylor's Version)," which was a revelation, to say the least. The 10-minute version of "All Too Well" alone is a masterpiece that I could dissect line by line....but I'll save that for another day. I cannot convey exactly the feeling "The Last Time" elicits in me without saying it is both one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard as well as one of the saddest. I've mentioned before my obsession with Doomed Romances. And while no one dies in this song, there is a futile cycle that only kills the two lovers the longer it goes on. I've always been gripped by this idea of two people who are so obviously meant to be together but can't make it work. For whatever reason, they can't get past whatever obstacles are keeping them apart - they won't do the inner work, they can't cross the distance, they won't compromise. It's the right person, wrong time. Or whatever. Even so, they can't help returning to each other. And every time they part, it's like they're dying over and over and over. And, finally, one of them decides this can't go on. This is the last time. The last time they'll let the other into their heart, because she deserves someone who will stay.

You wear your best apology

But I was there to watch you leave

This lyric is devastating. They say people with deep, unhealed abandonment wounds often choose people who will ultimately abandon them - or, ironically, abandon the person they love the most. That's the story here. Taylor's character is asking that heartbreaking question - if you love me so much, why do you keep leaving? And why do I keep letting you back in? I don't know. The heart is a complicated beast. I think love often makes us think someone is perfect - everything you ever wanted, everything you ever dreamed of - to the point where we're willing to overlook glaring problems. Like being used. Being ignored. Being controlled. Being manipulated. Eventually the high wears off, though, and you're left alone in your most vulnerable moments. And, conveniently, they are never there to see the pain they've caused. I was there to watch you leave.

The bridge is what always breaks my heart. It sounds so hopeful, but you start to get the feeling that this isn't a real conversation. Oh no. It's what she wants to hear from him when she stands up for herself and asks for what she wants. And I think we've all been there - there's certain things we want to hear from someone after an argument, after a fissure like this. And it's beyond disappointing when the words never come.

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong

This is the last time I say it's been you all along

This is the last time I let you in my door

This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

This song is about setting a boundary. Taylor is saying don't come back unless you intend to stay, and stay in a way that honors the spirit of what we have between us. You can't be half in, half out. Eventually, though, it has to be the last time. It's a matter of pride - a matter of worth - and she ran herself ragged trying to make it work on his terms for so long. She does her inner work, thinking that maybe if she can fix herself, he'll come back. Or, at least, she can move on. But does she want to? She knows she will probably find someone who can meet her halfway, but part of her doesn't want just anyone. Her heart wants him...but he's gone. She leaves the door open, though. She's thought about blocking him hundreds of times times but can't bring herself to do. She waits and hopes. But then it's been 7 months since she's heard his voice, 5 months since his last text. And she should probably stop counting. Hope dies a slow, painful death. 

Find myself at your door

Just like all those times before

I'm not sure how I got there

All roads, they lead me here

I imagine you are home

In your room, all alone

And you open your eyes into mine

And everything feels better

If we look at the first verse, I don't think this is a conversation that's actually happening at all. It's a back and forth that's happening in both their heads. He wants to come back - every part of him aches for her - but he won't. He knows she doesn't deserve everything he's put her through - the tears, the heartbreak. It's a boundary for him, too. Instead, he imagines coming back, imagines how much better he would feel if he could be that guy. That guy who doesn't always hurt her. And his mind will keep coming back to her, time after time, reopening the wound. He'll suffer through the aching for his whole life, if necessary, because the look on her face as he drove away the last time nearly killed him.

I'm not cynical. I want so badly for this song to have a happy ending. So badly, I can feel it in my bones. I must confess, I have an enduring - almost childish - belief in True Love. My 7th House - the House of Partnerships - is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of fortune, beliefs, and philosophy. Remember a few posts ago when I said the House ruled by Sagittarius is where you're on a quest. Well, I believe I'm on a quest for True Love - not my own, necessarily (everyone is looking for that and, truth be told, it's a bit mundane), but in its existence, meaning, and purpose in our lives. As is the nature of Sagittarius, I believe it's a winding road, full of twists, turns, and unforeseen obstacles. I think straight paths are misleading - not that it can't happen, but I don't think it's most common for the road to be Boy/Girl Meets Girl/Boy, They Fall in Love, Get Married, and Live Happily Ever After. No....more often, I think its Boy/Girl Meets Girl/Boy, They Fall in Love, and then Life Gets in the Way. But I also have faith that if two people are truly meant to be together, the Universe will conspire to bring them back together. Eventually. It's the "eventually" part that people struggle with.

Have you ever heard someone say "the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person"? Well, I'm here to tell you that's bullshit. If you can meet the wrong person at the right time (and, judging by the divorce statistics, this is the case more often than not), it logically follows that the reverse is true.  But if they are the right person, their heart will wait for you even if they try to move on (and vice versa). I'm fascinated by Love at First Sight stories where someone sees a person on the train and they hesitate to make a move - they doubt the intuition that is pulling them forward - and suddenly, that person is gone forever. Then 50 years later on, they still remember that moment in vivid detail and it's their biggest regret. These people have often married, had kids, lived their life - they don't usually regret those parts - but they know they missed out on something real, something that is rare and wonderful. And they still think about that person, that stranger, often - more often than is logical. Even more amazing are the stories where they meet the person from the train 10 years later - and that's when their romance starts. And that's what I mean when I say it's a winding road.

I often find myself thinking about this lyric from "Wreck of the Day":  I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. My hope, my gamble, is that if it's True Love, you won't have to cheat Destiny to be together. Instead, Destiny will draw you together - even if you're putting in your best effort to stay apart. You don't have to forsake your own path to have the relationship you want with someone. I want to believe that if two people are meant to be together, time and space won't make a difference - the right person will always be the right person, no matter how long it has been since you last saw each other. 

As you may have guessed, this song elicits a lot of stories in my head. It's one of my favorite songs to pole dance. Pole dance? I told you - I've been on a journey in the past year. To this song? Unconventional, I know. It's slow but there's moments when the music sweeps you up in waves, which allows for powerful, dramatic movements. To illustrate the story, I imagine it's a duet. As you may have guessed, I'm obsessed with duets, in music, dance, burlesque performance, or otherwise. With a pole duet, you have the ability to make pretty, more complex shapes with your bodies. A story idea also came to mind when I heard this song - a man does come back, but it's too late in the worst way possible. I'll give you a hint - the girl hasn't moved on but there are circumstances that make their road together more perilous and difficult. More difficult than if he'd been able to express his feelings properly the first time. And it pulls both of them into an unseen world beneath the surface of ordinary reality.

I first fell in love with the live performance so that's what you're going to get. Jupiter enters Aries today, so my Jupiter Return has technically begun.

"The Last Time" Video