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| "Lilith" by John Collier |
I spend a little bit of every day studying and trying to understand esoteric concepts. Astrology, mos def, but others as well - ghosts/spirits, alchemy (the spiritual kind), divinity, demonology, manifestation, etc, etc. I thought for Scorpio season (especially since it's also Eclipse season) I would dive into sacred sexuality and tantra (again). Specifically, I've been ruminating on this idea of Desire as Direction. And that doesn't just mean sexual desire but whatever kind of desire it is, it's a dangerous idea to society as it stands today. Not only that but it's a scary idea. I'm not sure the average person has much experience with admitting what they desire with their whole chest. It's vulnerable, it's risky, because one of the outcomes is not getting what you want. I mean, that is the outcome if you don't take ownership of what you desire anyway, but it's easier somehow - you can make excuses. Oh, I never said anything. Oh, I knew I'd get turned down anyway (no, you didn't). And a lot of the time, our desires are painted as silly, childish fantasies anyway, so why are you so hung up about it?
Baby, wanna touch you
I wanna breathe into your well
See, I gotta to hunt you
I gotta bring you to my hell
Baby, I wanna fuck you,
I wanna feel you in my bones
Boy, I'm gonna love you
I'm gonna tear into your soul
Of course, there's the even scarier implication for the reverse, because if Desire is Direction, then Lack of Desire is a sign you're on the wrong path. If that's the case, you might need to let go of things that are really comfortable. A career, relationships, hobbies, personality traits, habits, clothes...all sorts of things you've been holding on to. There's this manifestation exercises where you imagine who you would be if you had everything you wanted - dream career, dream partner, dream wardrobe, dream life - what does that look like? For some people, that's so different then how their lives look today that it's overwhelming and discouraging. To get from point A to point B requires so much change on their part that they'd rather not bother. Perhaps it goes without saying, but Scorpio falls in my 6th House - the House of Habit, Health, and Routine. Larger transformation requires discipline in the mundane. And if you don't desire something to change, it never will. Desire is Direction. If you aren't pursuing something with intensity, why are you even doing it?
"Desire" is about wanting someone so much, it's all consuming. The lyrics may seem kind of violent to some but then those are probably the sort of people who have never desired someone so much, they weren't sure if they wanted to fuck the person or kill them. Yes, I imagine this would make for some rather rough, predator/prey type sex. The wording of the chorus is notable. "Do you want me?" is a very different question from "How do you want me?" She knows whoever she's singing to wants her back and he/she can have her. Any way they want. So what are they waiting for? Because the waiting is just pissing her off. The chorus sounds like a frustrated demand, and it is. I'm choosing when (now) and where (here), you get to choose the how. The music is intense and dark, highlighting the gravity of her desire, the vulnerability of what she's asking for. I'm just not sure Desire is something the average woman feels free enough to embody, which makes this song subversive. Do you ever notice that? How male artists can sing about sex all day but when a female artists say the words "I want to fuck you" in their lyrics, it's somehow dirtier and more raw?
Desire, I'm hungry
I hope you feed me
How do you want me, how do you want me?
How do you want me, how do you want me?
How do you want me, how do you want me?
How do you want me, how do you want me?
The landscape today is more open to differences in sexual expression. It seems, to me, every other girl is coming out as asexual or demisexual (only becomes interested in sex when they have an emotional connection), but it's still a difficult world for women who are decidedly sexual and open about it. There's still so much stigma around polyamory, kink, one-night stands, tantra, and out of the whole LGBTQIA rainbow, bisexuals/pansexuals are still told they're sexuality isn't legitimate (by both sides of the homo-hetero spectrum). Women are told to "respect themselves" but for some, that still means withholding sex, even within the confines of a (monogamous) committed relationship. We're told to treat ourselves like a Queen but I've never identified with that archetype. Queens don't dance, Queens don't sing, they don't take lovers who are their equals, and they make some rules but ultimately, they uphold the rules of society. It's an archetype about control and image, of wealth and power. I've always valued individuality and authenticity, wildness and freedom. I am uncontrollable to everyone except myself, and I like it that way. As such, I've always found myself drawn to the archetypes of the Temptress, the Succubus, the Siren, and (in their higher forms) the Sacred Courtesan. As you can imagine, a different kind of goddess invokes those themes.
Honey, I wanna break you
I wanna throw you to the hounds,
Yeah I gotta hurt you
I gotta hear from your mouth
Boy, I wanna taste you
I wanna skin you with my tongue
I'm gonna kill you,
I'm gonna lay you in the ground
When I finally dropped the pretense of Catholicism and decided that - yes, indeed - the path of witchcraft and paganism was for me, Lilith was the first goddess who called to me. And while in more recent years, others have called - Persephone, Brigid, Hekate - Lilith is still a vital part of my practice. I love her darkness, her wildness, her dedication to living her truth, even if it defies the rules. Whereas Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil out of ignorance, Lilith ate from it knowing the consequences. And she walked out of the Garden, naked, head held high, confident that she would be able to continue on her own. Underlying all the overarching messages of freedom, empowerment, and equality, lies the beating heart of Lilith's story: rejection. And not her rejection of Adam, but of his rejection of her. God gave him his equal, in every way, and he rejected Lilith for a partner who was weaker, less wild, less free-spirited, less attuned to her own bodily autonomy. One who was and would be dependent on him. Ultimately, one who wouldn't (and couldn't) challenge his authority as master of all that lived in the Garden of Eden. In short, he chose power over love. The only thing Lilith asked for was partnership, and that was too much. The lesson here is if you can't have equal partnership - if you can't find someone who is willing to hold space for all of you - choose freedom.
I wanna feel you, I want it all
I wanna feel you, I want it all
The video is fitting for Spooky Season. In fact, it's inspired by numerous horror films. Meg Myers plays the role of our fearless Final Girl, confronting the entity that's been haunting her dilapidated house. Water is everywhere, all the classic 70s furniture is lighted with that sickly yellow tinge, spooky handprints show up on the mirror, creepy cartoons on the old-fashioned CRT. Then it takes an unexpected turn. A phantom picks her up like a lover and throws her on the pullout couch/bed. I think you know what happens next - ghost sex. This is apparently a real phenomenon, and you can find numerous reports of *ahem* spectral encounters through various ghost hunting sites and books. I love this video but I can't help but imagine how awkward it was to film it. There was definitely a buff stunt man decked out in that green bodysuit spinning her around and "positioning" her. And can we also talk about how understated and sexy a plain camisole and panties is? That's probably why it's the official uniform of every teenaged girl who dies while having sex in slasher flicks. The performance Meg gives in the video is absolutely emblematic of the vibe, though - innocent, maybe a bit ashamed of how she feels, but she still knows what she wants.
"Desire" Music Video
This eclipse season is already driving me crazy....and I'm letting it. My eye has been twitching a bit, I think it's just exhaustion because I haven't been getting good sleep. I'm listening to Steven Sanchez songs on repeat. Starting to write more, even though I'm in sort of a cocoon stage in my life. Mostly, I just feel really destructive and full of bad ideas. The partial solar eclipse in Scorpio occurred this morning, October 25th, at approximately 3:38am (AZ time). Both this eclipse, and the total lunar eclipse in Taurus on November 8th, is making a lot of aspects within my chart. Most of them are good - the eclipse with be trine my Venus in Cancer (trine is the most harmonious aspect), and the actual eclipse is loosely conjunct my Moon and Pluto in Scorpio (a mixed bag), but unfortunately, the eclipse with be square (by degree) my Mars in Cancer. Squares always come with a little trouble. And the ruler of this eclipse, Mars, is tearing up my 1st House (Gemini) and is getting ready to station retrograde for another pass. As you may have guessed, the astrology for 4Q 2022 is pretty gnarly, so have fun out there.
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