Another long, stressful week where I haven't had much time to do anything except work, clean, and sleep. The lingering cold hasn't helped much, except to serve as an excuse to disappear for an hour when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've accepted this is just how my Spring is going to be - a sprint until I get to Summer, possibly until I get to my birthday, which I'm considering taking a vacation for. Maybe. We'll see how things go. Anyway, this week hasn't been totally uneventful in the music world. As you may have heard, Taylor Swift dropped a new single on Thursday evening. It's been panned by the critics but in this world where literally no one listens to the haters, I think it'll probably do fine.
An "Atlantic" article has been making the rounds - "Taylor Swift's 'ME!' is Everything That's Wrong with Pop Music." Whenever you see a clickbait title with something that hyperbolic, you can tell the writer has no idea the level of work that goes into creating even the sickeningly sweetest of pop music and probably isn't even a member of the intended audience. Sure enough, the writer of aforementioned article is a 30-something white male who mostly writes what he thinks about pop culture. He makes a living off having "edgy" opinions but - let's face it - no one reads "The Atlantic" for its pop culture reviews. I certainly don't. His central lament is that it wasn't as interesting as her other work. And he didn't even fucking like any of her other work - the first paragraph is full of back-handed compliments. Let's set some expectations now - not everything an artist makes is going to be a masterpiece. Sometimes, you just have to pay the bills. And if T-Swift is a master at anything, it's at making it rain.
I know that I'm a handful, baby, uh
I know I never think before I jump
And you're the kind of guy the ladies want
(And there's a lot of cool chicks out there)
I know that I went psycho on the phone
I never leave well enough alone
And trouble's gonna follow where I go
(And there's a lot of cool chicks out there)
True story - "Me!" is not as introspective and revealing as some of her other songs. She's not baring her soul or coming to any deep conclusions about why she can be a crazy bitch sometimes. But it's also a collaboration and the Panic! at the Disco influence is incredibly strong in this track. In terms of a duet, I think it's very effective. Brendon Urie has easily one of the best tenors out there in pop music. The lyrics admittedly aren't the greatest - there are other troubled romance songs out there right now that do it better. But it's cute, catchy, and their styles complement each other very well so the sound is cohesive. The video itself is pretty over the top, which is to be expected - both Taylor Swift and Brendon Urie have flamboyant aesthetics. Also, Taylor Swift was credited with directing this one...Finally! Let's be clear - she envisioned and directed all of her music videos, it's just that someone let her take credit this time. For the record, if you follow Taylor Swift on Instagram (and you should - she's pretty brilliant at Instagram), she's been hyping the song for weeks with a subtle "4.26" in all her mysterious yet beautifully colored photos. She's clearly excited about it so - as a fan - I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she's working on a really killer follow-up to "Reputation" right now.
Long story short: "ME!" is alright - I like it enough that it'll probably grow on me more with time but I know it's aimed at 20-something girls who have a love-hate relationship with their current boyfriends, which is kind of concerning. Listening to the lyrics, one could get the impression that they shouldn't break up because they can't find anyone better. This is simply not true. And if it is, they why are they treating each other so badly that they have to convince themselves to stay together with a catchy pop duet? So many questions.....
While I was putzing around the airport the other day, I had a chance to distill my knowledge of making playlists into six guidelines. I wouldn't call myself an expert on playlist building - one of the reasons I'm not writing this for "Self" or "Marie Claire" - but I have fucked up enough playlists to know that these six rules are a pretty solid foundation. Some will be self-evident, others arbitrary, but all have a reason for being on this list. Disregard at your own peril.
Choose a Central Theme. This is your "why" for the playlist. Why do you want to build a playlist? Maybe this is your workout mix or you want to set the mood for going out on a girl's night. Whatever your reason, make sure you identify that is, because it's the foundation for all the other rules. It also has the added benefit of making difficult song choices easier, because you understand the playlist's raison d'etre - it's reason for even existing in the first place. If you take a moment to think about it, I think most people instinctively know what songs they'd put on a Party-themed mix versus what they want to listen to while they're studying for a test. You can be really creative with this. There's an astrologer I follow on Twitter, Chani Nicholas, who builds playlists as a horoscope for each sign (which are amazing btw - if you're on Spotify, just search for #CosmicPlaylist). I've seen fellow witches/pagans build "Money Manifestation" playlists filled with money themed songs. Personally, I have a playlist with all the songs I think would be great to build a burlesque routine around. Anything goes when you're choosing the theme. And the more specific you get, the more targeted your playlist will be, which means you'll have to do less editing in the long run.
Remember the "Vibe." Knowing what vibe you want for your playlist is simple as asking yourself one simple question - "How do I want to feel while I'm listening to this playlist?" I say that it's simple, but it's probably one of the most complicated questions a person can ask themselves, mostly because a lot of people are afraid of feeling their feelings (but that's a rant for the other day). Yes, you absolutely can create a playlist of songs that make you cry (in fact, I'd encourage it, just for the cathartic benefits alone), but most people are building playlists to set the mood for happy times, like birthday parties or road trips. Remembering the vibe requires you to think critically about the emotional impact a song has on you. For instance, I was talking to the coworker I was traveling with about Lana Del Rey - we both like her music, but I think he put it accurately when he said that he feels like he wants to kill himself with a Twizzler afterwards. All of her songs have a melancholic quality to them and - let's face it - melancholy is just romanticized sadness, my friends. So if you want to feel sad and wistful about an ex, by all means, load it up with some Lana Del Rey, but she probably doesn't belong on a Hype Mix. Another thing to remember about the vibe may be that you're looking for a certain type of music - a certain genre or maybe a specific sound. Pandora used to be good about this, when they were true to their whole goal about recommending songs with the same "musical DNA." Although, that didn't always work. I remember wanting a playlist with pop songs that had a Middle Eastern flair to it, based on "Beautiful Liar" by Beyonce and Shakira. Unfortunately, Pandora interpreted that musical DNA as "more Beyonce, please." Don't get me wrong - I like me some Queen Bey, but that's not what I was going for and it's the primary reason why I believe human ears are crucial to the playlist creation business.
For working out, use the beats per minute (BPM) as a guide. There have been numerous studies on the impact of music on a person's activity intensity while working out. The higher the beats per minute, the more intense the workout. The reason for this is that the body subconsciously matches the rhythm of the music, so if the music is moving faster, the body will naturally move faster or with greater power. You can use this to your advantage while building your work out playlists. There are plenty of resources out there to identify what BPM is right for each type of workout but a rough guide would be this: 140+ BPM songs are great for high intensity workouts (running, HIIT, cycling, dancing), 100-139 BPM are going to be for moderate intensity workouts (endurance running, strength training, power walking), and under 100 BPM are best for low intensity workouts (yoga/flexibility, swimming) and warm up/cool down cycles. The BPM does not have to impact the vibe - as we've seen, there are some great sub-100 songs that are perfect for pushing you during a work out. My recommendation is to order your playlist (if possible - if you're using the free version of Spotify, random is mandatory on the app) in a way so that you use the lower BPM in your warm up and cool down phases, then move gradually between moderate intensity and/or high intensity songs, depending on what your needs are.
Limit the list to two songs per artist. This is one of those arbitrary rules that I've found just works in reality. If you love an artist, one song is too little but three songs makes it seem like the playlist only has that artist. I don't know why that happens, it just does. Variety is the spice of life and when you are trying to limit how long the playlist is, these arbitrary rules pay off in the long run. Limiting an artist to only two songs requires you to get really picky on which songs truly fit your theme and vibe for playlist. You start to notice little things about the songs - for instance, maybe a particular lyric hits you harder than you realized or the background music is just a tad slower than you want for the mix. In finding that perfect song by your favorite artist for your go-to playlist, you'll discover songs you never knew existed. More than likely, the artist you love to hear on the radio is way more prolific than the 2 or 3 singles they put out a year. So go ahead and explore. Your ears will thank you.
Edit, Edit, Edit. It happens - you don't always get a playlist right the first time. Sometimes, after listening through once or twice, you realize a song that you absolutely love just doesn't fit. That's okay. Kill your darlings....or at least move them to a playlist where they fit better. You don't have to put all your favorite songs on a playlist - I've done that and it is an emotional roller coaster not for the faint of heart. If you find yourself skipping a song a lot on a playlist, that's a good indicator that it may not belong there. Likewise, it's normal to get bored, especially if you have a "go-to" playlist that you're always listening to. It's okay to remove songs as they get overplayed and add new ones as you discover them. There's a reason why music apps (like Spotify and Pandora) have a "like" button - it's so you can find those songs again when you want to. I also recommend using this button liberally when you're listening to playlists made by other people or by the app company, as this is a great way to discover new music, even if you don't have a plan for it yet.
Know your limits (even if you don't think you need them). This is the master rule to remember when creating a playlist. Sure, maybe you don't have a song limit. Maybe you're not going to exclude genres from your list. Maybe you don't have a desired song length. That's all well and good, but in practice, you'll know when you've strayed because you just don't enjoy listening to the playlist anymore. Always remember what your original intention was. Always consider whether or not the playlist is meeting your needs and act accordingly. Sometimes that means you have to start over. Playlist creation is an art and, like all good art, you get better by doing. So if you don't what your limits are, what arbitrary rules you have for your own playlists, I recommend going out and breaking some eggs until you find what works.
And that's it. I hope these tips are helpful and informative - now go have some fun!
Beats Per Minute: 175 Perfect for: A fast, steady run, especially if you're feeling nostalgic or looking for something upbeat
Lost a little momentum for this month because I opted to leave my personal laptop at home on my work trip. That and I've been feeling sick all week (the long plane rides that bookended my work week didn't help), so it's highly doubtful I would've had the energy to do much writing, even if I had. Not to say I didn't do any writing - in fact, I've been in planning mode and I'm still going to try to work in some good stuff before April ends. Moving on, I hate to humble brag but I've been to a number of great concerts. I have seen legends perform. Legends, I tell ya....LEGENDS! That being said, my favorite memories are the three times I've seen Hanson perform. You read that right - I have seen Hanson not just once, but three times. Think what you will but I'm still a fan after nearly two decades. And it should be noted that they are still making music, performing live, and drawing crowds after two decades, which is more than can be said about most 90s bands. There's several reasons for that - they're extremely talented musicians, they're dedicated to their craft, and their music has evolved with the times. If you know anything about what gives an artist staying power in the industry, those three things are key - natural (but still constantly developing) talent, dedication and love for the art (and the work that is required), and the ability to change with times but stay true to their core style.
I've been feeling a bit nostalgic so I'm going to take this opportunity to share my adventures from those three Hanson shows. The first one was on 22 October 2000 - I remember the date exactly because it was Zac's birthday and the audience was prompted to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. I remember lamenting at the time that it was too bad he was a Libra and not a Scorpio (even with my rudimentary pre-teen astrological knowledge, I knew Cancers-Scorpios were very compatible romantically but Cancers-Libras were not - yes, the Husband is, in fact, a Scorpio). With a two year age gap (he was born in 1985 - so really only like a year and a half), I was also convinced he was way too old for me (geez, I was so young and stupid). This, however, did not stop me from having a huge celebrity crush on him, because he is kind of a funny, goofy guy and I love that in people. And he's the drummer - I like drummers, to the point where I'm still toying with the idea of getting my own drum kit and learning how to play. Going to this concert was lucky for me - I had only barely started being friends with the girl who had the tickets and when someone else turned down the offer, she asked if I wanted to join. Of course, concerts are great bonding experiences and I was good friends with the whole group that went after that. It was also the first time I remember going to a concert without much parental supervision. My friend's parents went, of course, but they had tickets in the stands, not on the floor like we did (on the floor! that was also very exciting). This was during the "This Time Around" tour and probably an extremely formative event in my musical history.
Fast forward to the following summer, my two best friends (which included the girl who invited me to the aforementioned concert) planned a Hanson-themed adventure to Tulsa, OK, to attend the first annual Riverfest, headlined by - as you may have guessed - Hanson. There were other bands there - really good ones, too, and I honestly wish I could remember their names. Anyway, because it was an outdoor fest with general seating, we got to the venue before the sun came up so that, when the gates opened, we could run to the main stage and get good spots. And we did! We ended up being in the front row and I was able to get quite a few good pictures of them playing. Afterwards, we slept for basically a whole day of our trip because outdoor music festivals are exhausting (that may seem obvious, but at 13-14 years old, we didn't know that). Then, we went around doing things that we thought the band would do - like eating at Taco Bueno, playing laser tag, and hunting down houses with three car garages. We're pretty sure we found their actual home but - for obvious reasons - we did not actually confirm that. But teen stalker antics aside, it was a fun trip.
The third show happened a decade later, after I had graduated university and moved back to Arizona. I was working in a call center while looking for better career opportunities (it was during the worst of the Great Recession, so it was hard goings). Hanson was playing in a dive bar as part of a radio station promo in between albums. It was being marketed as 90s nostalgia and, yes, most of the people who showed up were women around my age. I dragged my sister and her boyfriend with me, mostly because I didn't want to drive to Tucson alone at night, and bought them each a beer as a thank you. The bar smelled like tacos - we learned later that there was a taco bar on the second floor that was included in the cover charge. That taco bar haunts me because, well, I totally would've partaken in some shady bar tacos if I had known. The show was amazing, as it always is. They played acoustic and, even though I wasn't in the front row, the place was so small that I was even closer to the stage than I had been at Riverfest. My sister's boyfriend, who is over 6 feet tall, kindly took a few blurry pictures and videos for me - I'd share them but they're not as good as I remember and way too dark to even make out that it's Hanson. As silly as I felt at the time, I'm really glad I went. My inner child was/is very glad I went, because I know not going because I felt like it was childish would've been something I regretted. Take that as a lesson - go ahead, buy those tickets to the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. It may never happen again!
I can tell you one thing
We're not better on our own
I'm tired of running from my feelings
Are you listening?
Okay, enough about my foolishness, let's talk about the song. The lyrics are pretty straightforward - the singer (i.e., Taylor Hanson) has been acting like a jackass and his girlfriend has walked out. Not only that, but it sounds like it she's not coming back this time - 12 nights is a long time to not have any contact with someone you intend to get back with. I'm always interested to hear the other side of the story with these songs. For example, this lyric: Well, I can tell you there's no room to play this game. What if she's not playing a game? What if she's just tired of your bullshit, Taylor Hanson - did you ever consider that? Maybe walking away isn't just some manipulative ploy to get you act different, but a way to save herself from an unhappy situation. Newsflash: Not all women are manipulative psycho bitches who do things like that. From the lyrics, we can gather that he was starting fights and breaking promises. And she totally doesn't have to deal with that nonsense. If she's going to take you back, Tay, there needs to be some serious change. And not superficial changes, where you go back to your old habits when you think she's forgotten about everything, but a clear choice to do better going forward.
I was thinking about the lyrics in the bridge, especially the part where he's "tired of running from [his] feelings," which sounds to me like he was trying to create distance because the amount of love he felt for her scared him. This is a classic symptom for people who fear abandonment - they push away people who they really care about because that means they have something to lose. Something they realize would be really painful to lose, so they'd rather do the damage themselves and end it to save themselves from the agony. They also have trouble trusting that someone could genuinely love them without expecting something in return. It's complicated. However, it reminds me of a girl I know who has encountered this situation multiple times. I will preface this with one thing you should know about the girl - she is the kindest, most loving person I know. However, she broke it off with her boyfriend of 10 years, which came as a surprise to everyone because we all thought they'd be together forever. When I talked to her about it, she told me that she didn't want to be with someone who didn't know how they felt about her, that was too afraid to love her. You may wonder why it took her 10 years to come to this conclusion but, sometimes, it takes people a while to learn their lessons. Especially when they're really hoping things will work out in the end. In her next relationship, she didn't wait near this long - she was starting to see signs of the same situation, acknowledged that it wasn't what she wanted, and walked away. She still holds space for them, of course - she did/does love them. But she also loves herself and part of loving yourself is choosing people who aren't afraid of loving you - who don't want to keep a distance between you, who don't push you away, who can be honest about their own feelings. It doesn't mean you can't love those people, it just means that you shouldn't put your life on hold for someone who may never be able to meet you on that level.
Those are just some of the deep thoughts that were keeping me occupied during my 8 hour layover yesterday. I was also pondering the difference between treating people as temporary versus treating people as if you wanted them to be permanent. I'm still kind of mulling it over, because my train of thought was very philosophical and I thought I was getting to something genuine at the heart of human interactions. I'm still working it out and hopefully, I'll have a place to share my thoughts next month. Yes, I already have a theme picked out for next month and I'm SUPER EXCITED about it! But we got to finish out this month first, so stay tuned :) and thanks for reading.
Beats Per Minute: Unknown, but probably in the 130-140 range Perfect for: Sifting through your thoughts while in motion
I've been consuming a lot of occult/metaphysical materials lately (books, articles, videos, poems, etc.) and my runs have become the most opportune time to let the information synthesize and consolidate within my mind. I've kind of just let the path form itself. One idea leads me to look for another, a sentence sparks a curiosity, an article points to another reference....and so on and so forth. No rhyme or reason. But it's all connected, that's always been abundantly clear. Sometimes, it makes sense, the pieces fit together nicely. Other times, the edges are jagged and don't fit perfectly. Like I'm missing something. Which leads down another string. And so on and so forth. This song reminds me of that itching obsession I've always had. That interest in the shadowy Otherworld that hangs at the edges of the mundane. In the things that always seemed illogical to everyone except me. Of course, the more I search, the more people I find who share this same sort of "calling." I'm not the only woman my age who has an affinity for Lilith and Eris. Or who thinks there's something more to astrology than society wants us to believe. I find it very comforting. Yes, there's a lot of craziness out there and I take everything with a grain of salt. Research, both for my writing and my own understanding, has been critical in every step I take. I've learned a lot - and there's a lot more to learn - but I've developed some basic understandings that have helped me on my journey. During this period of immense learning, there are some spiritual practices I've adopted that have been beneficial. For example, I've taken up a yoga practice, which I've been doing a lot more in lieu of running while I rest.
My current yoga practice is specifically Kundalini Yoga, which I chose after doing a Yoga Magazine flowchart of all the styles to find out what type would be best for me to try. I like Kundalini Yoga because it combines almost all the elements of yogic teachings - tantric philosophy, mudras (hand poses), pranayama (rhythmic breathing), meditation, chants, kriyas (movement), and shavasana ("corpse pose," commonly used in yoga for relaxation). And, at the end, there's a little song that we sing. It's my favorite part of the set, not because it denotes the end of what is usually a challenging workout, but because I love to sing. I've taken Hatha Yoga classes before, but so far, I like Kundalini better. The actual kriya portion usually isn't very long - only about 20-30 minutes - but it usually kicks my ass, because the poses require more flexibility and the increased movement is more athletic than traditional yoga. During all this, you have to pay attention to the rhythm of the music, sometimes a specific chant (in Sanskrit), and a specific breathing pattern. As a result, my mind is usually pretty clear by the time the meditation section starts. All that was just background. Last Friday, when I did my session, I was still kind of angry from the events of the day. Even so, during the anahata meditation, in between angry rumblings came a vision. And the vision went like this....
There was this field of green - the kind of green I've only seen in pictures of Ireland, so something tells me it was Ireland. There's beautiful woman with black hair wearing a blue dress. There's also a handsome red-haired man wearing armor. He's holding her and they're saying goodbye. They kiss and he gets on a brown horse and rides off to join a stream of similarly armored men. She stands and watches him leave. I have a feeling he never comes back. End.
As I've said before, these "visions" (or flashes of inspiration, as they might be) usually come to me randomly, usually while I'm listening to music. I had a weird feeling that the black-haired woman was me, even though she didn't really look like me. I waver between believing in past lives - sometimes, I feel so old that I feel I must've lived a thousand times before. But then I remember that having a lot of past lives means I'm consistently fucking something up. I mean - I probably am fucking something up but I have no clue what it is. Or it could've just been a random image my brain made up - I'll probably use it in a story somewhere along the way. There's not much to it, so I'll have to think of where it fits in. It seemed like the man was going off to war, so "Awaken" would be a good musical backdrop for that story. I've been working on outlining an idea for a high fantasy novel, so I've been listening to, and looking for, good epic-style music as inspiration while I build it out.
So all you restless
Each night you hear the drums of war
Awaken, awaken
The voice begins to call you while you hunger
A taste of destiny you're searching for
Awaken, awaken
The fight is at your door, take up the cause
Another League of Legends song, this time featuring Valerie Broussard for vocals and Ray Chen for the violin music. Valerie Broussard is quickly becoming one of my favorite artists for both her deep, sultry alto voice and the content of her songs. Most of her songs that I've found deal with esoteric concepts, especially the dark and the dangerous aspects of humanity. As such, her songs have been featured on paranormal shows like "Lucifer" and "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina." Think Lana Del Rey, only more vengeful and prefers to wear all black. Kind of like how Scorpio is just the goth version of Virgo. (Seriously, google this - in astrological mythology, Virgo is the Light/Logical version and Scorpio is the Dark/Emotional version, which is why Libra is between them to maintain the balance.) I say that as a good thing - I like Lana Del Rey, but her songs make me sad, even when they're supposed to be about happy things. Yes, I have a Lana Del Rey rant brewing but I think her songs will fit in better next month.
Book Recommendation Inspired by Today's Rant: "Ascension Magick" by Christopher Penczak
--- As I was starting to get a little lost in the spiritual/occult corner of the Internet, Chris Penczak put out his latest book, which analyzes a lot of the concepts I was finding myself drawn to. Penczak is a noted teacher and author within the witchcraft community. I've read a few of his other books and I trust him to treat the subject matter with better judgement than some of the other "interesting" characters out there on the Internet.
Beats Per Minute: 124 Perfect For: Long distance runs after rough days
Today was a helluva day, my friends. And, after a helluva day, I get really introspective about things. On days like today, though, I remind myself that the Universe throws these curve balls at us for one reason - to teach us the lessons we need to learn. So what lesson did I learn today? I learned (or re-learned) a couple, actually. The first is that you can pray for and help people as much as you want, as hard as you can, but ultimately, you're never in control of how things in their life play out - they are. The second thing - and I feel like this is actually really important for me right now - is that there's a difference between hope and intuition. They both feel very different physically and I'm not sure if I realized that before. Hope is when you're expecting something to go your way because you desperately need it to. Intuition - as far as I've experienced it - feels like a knowing. Like you know how things are going to go, no matter what the reality currently looks like. For example, with my son, I knew I was pregnant before I took that first home test. I know it sounds kind woo-woo but, even though I didn't have any of the typical symptoms and it was still really early (almost too early to detect), I felt eerily calm when the possibility first came to mind. Intuition feels like something is inevitable, so you don't worry about it, whereas hope is all about worry. Worry about what happens next if things don't work out, so much so that you make up a hypothetical situation to assuage your fears. To sum up - intuition feels calm, hope feels like you're putting a positive spin on anxiety.
I've been reading a lot about hope, about how it's just another expectation, which just leads to disappointment. Hope is very future-based. Unfortunately, you have to be happy in the present. It's a vicious cycle - you hope for something, it doesn't happen, you become disappointed (and, thus, unhappier), so you reach for something in farther in the future. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. To break the cycle, you have to find the good in the present. What good came out of today? Well, next week, I'm going to have a lot more time to meditate, read, and sleep - I'm kind of looking forward to that. Things were starting to get a little boring at work and now, it looks like I'm probably going to be a lot busier. The workload is going to be a lot more balanced once the dust has settled. And it is definitely going to be imperative that I get a passport, just in case...so, a trip to Iceland within the next couple of years is a real possibility. Or maybe we could visit our friends in Italy? Yes, a lot of good things and everything is going to turn out fine. It always does.
Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies
Careful what you wish for
We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies
Saying that we wanted more
I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly
Where does all the good go?
We're looking for answers in the highest of highs
But will we ever, ever know?
And I need you to know
I'm not asking for a miracle
But if love was enough, could you let it show?
If you feel it could you let me know?
"Miracle" was another one of those songs that YouTube recommended. It's starting to know my music tastes almost too well, kind of like how Facebook knows I just ate a sandwich. Chvrches album, "Love Is Dead," is loosely organized around faith and religion - or, more aptly, the feeling of separation when that sense of belonging and purpose is missing. "Miracle" is about the all too human search for acceptance. To be fully understood, accepted, and loved by someone. Anyone. Lauren Mayberry, in her explanation of the song, said that she doesn't "know if people really find that." Perhaps that's a little cynical, but can you blame her? Our society doesn't really value acceptance and understanding, we value time, attachment, and ownership. We're trying to change our ways, but we're not there yet. The title "Miracle" is a bit sarcastic - it doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but maybe it is. Of course, to find that level of unconditional love, you have to trust that love can really be unconditional. You have to believe that actually exists and that's way too scary for most people. Maybe scary isn't the right word - inconceivable. They can't wrap their head around it, which I suppose could feel scary, at times. I'm venturing to the philosophical again, which wasn't my intention. Even though I chose an unexpectedly philosophical song. I tend to do that. A lot. Regardless, this song helps me fill in the blanks when I'm too drained to think anymore. It's bouncy but the lyrics and tone are delightfully bitter. And the increased intensity during the chorus is perfect when I get the urge to sprint as fast as I can. I hate to brag but I'm blindingly fast....for like 20 seconds, and then I go back to my normal speed. Which is only slightly faster than the average 30-year-old woman. Like everything else, I'm working on it.
Beats Per Minute: 140 Perfect for: Long Distance Running, Training Montages
I've been feeling kind of sick for the past week. Just a general malaise - achy muscles, sore throat, exhaustion, culminating in a low-grade fever yesterday. On top of that, I was feeling a little bit of delayed anger and annoyance from something that happened earlier in the day. I brushed it off at the time, because that's what I do. I keep the peace, try to make people feel at ease, even when I shouldn't. But on the way home, I just kept getting angrier and angrier. I was going to skip yoga, because I was tired, but I decided not to. I thought maybe it would help, especially if I did one of the videos that focused a lot on meditation. It didn't. With my mind empty, my thoughts kept coming back to it, elevating me to new heights of rage. At one point, I was thinking, "Fuck that guy. What did they ever do that was so great?" Ego speaking. A nerve was hit, an insecurity I thought I'd long since overcome had reared its ugly head. This idea that, no matter how hard I work, I'm not good enough.
It's kind of disappointing. To do all this work and still fear that it all amounts to nothing in the long run. Especially when you do something really well for a long time, that people don't even really notice until you're not investing the time in it anymore. No, disappointing isn't the right word. Infuriating. "It's not that they don't miss you, it's that they didn't really appreciate your energy when it was there." God, that burns a little, maybe because it just might be true. However, I believe the best revenge is by continuing to be amazing. Much like Lady Gaga, I too would like nothing more than to prove those sorry bitches wrong and make sure they never fucking forget my name. Sorry, not sorry. That's how you win. You walk across the stage and accept the Oscar you were never supposed to win. You write the bestseller that was never supposed to be published. You become a household name. And when some nobody comes up to you and mentions that you worked/went to school together once upon a time (knowing damn well they were an asshole back then), you smile and say - with a sickening sweetness - "I'm sorry, but who the fuck are you?"
They never lose hope when everything's cold and the fighting's near
It's deep in their bones, they'll run into smoke when the fire is fierce
Oh pick yourself up, 'cause
Legends never die
When the world is calling you
Can you hear them screaming out your name?
Legends never die
They become a part of you
Every time you bleed for reaching greatness
Legends never die
This song is an excellent training song. I'm a big fan of parkour and free-running - so much so, that a few years ago, I decided I'd start just jumping over things during my run for practice. I'd like to take a real parkour class at some point, before I get too old and decrepit to do that. This song was produced by League of Legends, to support their annual gaming competition. Considering they're a video game company, they're surprisingly good at coming out with really catchy songs. Most of the songs they write are themes for their characters or specialized songs that they showcase during competitions. All of them are pretty epic. This isn't even the only LoL song I've chosen for this month, it just happens to be one of my favorites. It follows the same lines as "Whatever It Takes." You can't give up. In order to become Immortal, you must keep going. No matter how lonely it is. No matter how many bruises and cuts you collect. Work through the pain. Keep trying. And, no matter what, hold onto Hope. Because that's all you have, sometimes.
When this song comes on, it prompts me to push myself. At 140 beats per minute, it sets a good pace where you're not quite sprinting, but you're maintaining the fastest speed you can endure to keep running indefinitely. That's some of the best running advice my dad ever gave me. Focus on your breathing and you can keep running until you physically can't anymore. Another great piece of running advice he gave me - which can double as some sage advice for living life - is it doesn't matter how slow you go, as long as you don't stop. You don't want to succumb to inertia, in anything. Wanting everything to stay the same, trying to keep everything the same when you know it isn't and it shouldn't be, just causes more problems. Every little movement forward counts. So even if it seems like nothing is changing, as long as you're making the effort to keep going, everything is changing. Consider the calm a respite, a time to rest, to consolidate. Because if it seems like nothing is happening, that's when you know everything is about to change.
Beats per Minute: 68 Good for: Interval Training (or any other workout where you're actively pushing yourself)
My days are long. On a typical day, I wake up at 4am to do my Morning Pages, a practice recommended by Julia Cameron in "The Artist's Way" where you basically do a brain dump first thing in the morning by filling 3 pages up with writing. Preferably by hand. Numerous writers and artists credit this practice for breaking through their blocks. If it works, it works, so I do it. Then I go to work for 8 hours. Then I come home and do some housewifing - work out/run/do yoga, cook dinner, a clean a little, hang out with the family to watch something (usually "The Grand Tour" or one of several DC shows). Finally, I put my toddler to bed and head upstairs to write for another hour or two. Sometimes it's this blog, sometimes it's just in my journal, occasionally it's another project I'm working on. If I'm lucky, I make enough progress to feel good about finishing up by 9pm. Most days, though, I'm heading to bed around 10pm. It's rough but I'm not complaining. For months, I have written something every day and that's not nothing. I'm extremely proud of that accomplishment. Even if it means I look a bit tired most days.
I read awhile ago that if you want to be a writer, you need to write. And that stung a bit at the time, because I hadn't been. I would go months without writing a god damn thing, which sucked. It felt like I had given up. It felt like I didn't have any talent, like I was all talk and no action. It felt like I was walking away from a deeply held dream. When that happens, you have to have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Do you want this enough to endure whatever pain and dejection you might feel in the future? Is this what you really hope to accomplish in your life? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes? Surprisingly, a lot of people decide that - no, I am decidedly not willing or prepared to do any of that stuff. And that's fine. That's a choice we all have to make and as long as you're at peace with it, you're good. I would not have been at peace. And the primary reason why I know that is because of one thing - I look forward to waking up at 4am to write those stupid morning pages. And, even after a hellish day at work, I look forward to opening up a vein and bleeding onto this blog for you fine people to read. And, most days, I'm not even worried that nothing will ever come of it. I've learned to love the work, not the dream. And that is by far one of the most valuable things I've learned during my existence. Because you've got to dig in your heels and do the work. There's no way around it. Trust me - I've tried.
Always had a fear of being typical
Looking at my body feeling miserable
Always hanging on to the visual
I wanna be invisible
Looking at my years like a martyrdom
Everybody needs to be a part of 'em
Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son
I was born to run, I was born for this
I find a lot of understated wisdom on Twitter. Maybe it's the people I follow, maybe it's just because I'm open to seeing it. Who knows? But I wanted to share a few tidbits I like to remember when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself. One of them I've already shared - Learn to love the work. The others are a little more metaphysical in nature, so I'll explain the philosophy as best I can.
I recently ran across a tweet which posited that "current desires are just memories from the future." I'd heard this before, that we feel that things are "meant for us" because we have them in the future. This concept is essential in manifestation magic, because it removes the anxiety and the feeling of lack when you want something so bad but it's not in your current reality. Anxiety and fear are the absolutely toxic to any and all forms of magic. That's something I learned very early on in my journey as a witch. It keeps you focused on what you lack instead of having faith that, no matter what happens, you're are going to get what you need in life - it just might not look how you expect. If you feed being anxious, then you're naturally going to be more anxious. In theory, believing that what you want is already on the way helps you to let go and allows things to unfold naturally. The saying goes that the best things happen when you're least expecting them. So don't force it because you don't need to. The only thing you should be focusing on is what you need to do next. Like literally. What do you need to do in the present moment to move forward? Cook dinner? Clean your room? Ramble for five pages? Great! Go do that and put your whole mind, body, and soul into it.
The next piece of Twitter wisdom I wanted to share was something I read yesterday morning. Someone tweeted that you shouldn't be afraid of growing old, but be grateful instead, because so many people didn't have that opportunity. They didn't get the opportunity to fret about gray hairs and wrinkles. They didn't experience the frustration of raising a very energetic little boy. They didn't get to be annoyed by their coworkers over small and ultimately meaningless mistakes. And when you look at it that way, it's amazing how many things we have to be grateful for. And gratitude is essential for long term happiness. It's funny - today, someone asked how old I was and I just rounded up. I said, "I'm almost 32." The voice inside my head was screaming "I'm 31 and a half!" like a little kid. That's one of my favorite take-aways from "Stranger from a Strange Land" - this concept that, at 31, I am still "only an egg." I'm still learning, still growing, still have so much to do and see. And my grandmother just turned 95, so I'm pretty confident that I have a fairly long life ahead of me so worrying about growing old is a bit premature. It's a waste of energy. What good does it do? Time is going to march on, regardless of our protests. Might as well embrace it and enjoy the ride.
Hypocritical, egotistical
Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box
An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost
I'm an apostrophe
I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see
I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe
And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased
And when I am deceased
At least I go down to the grave and die happily
Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee
I do what it takes
Closing out this post, this song is about pushing through and putting in the work to accomplish your dreams, regardless of how much "suffering" you have to go through. As I said, you just have to figure out what to do next. The rest will sort itself out on the way.
Ah yes, the quintessential question of human existence, except for maybe it's sister question - "What are you running from?" Of course, I'm not talking about running from your problems or your angst or any of that nonsense. I'm talking about just regular, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other running. In my youth, I was asked this question a lot. A friend in college told me once that every time she saw me, I was always running. Running to do this. Running to do that. Running here. Running there. The simple truth of the matter is that I simply cannot stand still. I'm convinced that if I stop running, I'll die and there's plenty of scientific evidence to back me up. Unfortunately, I'm actually supposed to take a break from running for a couple weeks because I've been - literally - running myself ragged. So, as much as I'll miss my favorite form of moving meditation, I'll be focusing on more low impact exercise (like yoga) for now in order to give my poor body some time to recover.
As for the theme, I've chosen a selection of my favorite songs to run to and I'll be describing the sort of places my imagination goes when I only have a stretch of road and my music to keep me company. Most of these songs are featured on my "Working Out or Hardly Working?" playlist on Spotify, which brings me to my next point. Later in the month, I will be sharing my secrets to curating a killer playlist for fun and profit. I've been making mix tapes since I was 8, so hopefully I've learned a thing or two about how to keep the tunes flowing in the most effective manner. Just a fair warning - there is a lot of "epic" music ahead for this month, along with probably way too much Imagine Dragons. As a pre-apology, enjoy the following "Heart and Brain" comic:
