Good for: Interval Training (or any other workout where you're actively pushing yourself)
My days are long. On a typical day, I wake up at 4am to do my Morning Pages, a practice recommended by Julia Cameron in "The Artist's Way" where you basically do a brain dump first thing in the morning by filling 3 pages up with writing. Preferably by hand. Numerous writers and artists credit this practice for breaking through their blocks. If it works, it works, so I do it. Then I go to work for 8 hours. Then I come home and do some housewifing - work out/run/do yoga, cook dinner, a clean a little, hang out with the family to watch something (usually "The Grand Tour" or one of several DC shows). Finally, I put my toddler to bed and head upstairs to write for another hour or two. Sometimes it's this blog, sometimes it's just in my journal, occasionally it's another project I'm working on. If I'm lucky, I make enough progress to feel good about finishing up by 9pm. Most days, though, I'm heading to bed around 10pm. It's rough but I'm not complaining. For months, I have written something every day and that's not nothing. I'm extremely proud of that accomplishment. Even if it means I look a bit tired most days.
I read awhile ago that if you want to be a writer, you need to write. And that stung a bit at the time, because I hadn't been. I would go months without writing a god damn thing, which sucked. It felt like I had given up. It felt like I didn't have any talent, like I was all talk and no action. It felt like I was walking away from a deeply held dream. When that happens, you have to have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Do you want this enough to endure whatever pain and dejection you might feel in the future? Is this what you really hope to accomplish in your life? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes? Surprisingly, a lot of people decide that - no, I am decidedly not willing or prepared to do any of that stuff. And that's fine. That's a choice we all have to make and as long as you're at peace with it, you're good. I would not have been at peace. And the primary reason why I know that is because of one thing - I look forward to waking up at 4am to write those stupid morning pages. And, even after a hellish day at work, I look forward to opening up a vein and bleeding onto this blog for you fine people to read. And, most days, I'm not even worried that nothing will ever come of it. I've learned to love the work, not the dream. And that is by far one of the most valuable things I've learned during my existence. Because you've got to dig in your heels and do the work. There's no way around it. Trust me - I've tried.
Always had a fear of being typical
Looking at my body feeling miserable
Always hanging on to the visual
I wanna be invisible
Looking at my years like a martyrdom
Everybody needs to be a part of 'em
Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son
I was born to run, I was born for this
I find a lot of understated wisdom on Twitter. Maybe it's the people I follow, maybe it's just because I'm open to seeing it. Who knows? But I wanted to share a few tidbits I like to remember when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself. One of them I've already shared - Learn to love the work. The others are a little more metaphysical in nature, so I'll explain the philosophy as best I can.
I recently ran across a tweet which posited that "current desires are just memories from the future." I'd heard this before, that we feel that things are "meant for us" because we have them in the future. This concept is essential in manifestation magic, because it removes the anxiety and the feeling of lack when you want something so bad but it's not in your current reality. Anxiety and fear are the absolutely toxic to any and all forms of magic. That's something I learned very early on in my journey as a witch. It keeps you focused on what you lack instead of having faith that, no matter what happens, you're are going to get what you need in life - it just might not look how you expect. If you feed being anxious, then you're naturally going to be more anxious. In theory, believing that what you want is already on the way helps you to let go and allows things to unfold naturally. The saying goes that the best things happen when you're least expecting them. So don't force it because you don't need to. The only thing you should be focusing on is what you need to do next. Like literally. What do you need to do in the present moment to move forward? Cook dinner? Clean your room? Ramble for five pages? Great! Go do that and put your whole mind, body, and soul into it.
The next piece of Twitter wisdom I wanted to share was something I read yesterday morning. Someone tweeted that you shouldn't be afraid of growing old, but be grateful instead, because so many people didn't have that opportunity. They didn't get the opportunity to fret about gray hairs and wrinkles. They didn't experience the frustration of raising a very energetic little boy. They didn't get to be annoyed by their coworkers over small and ultimately meaningless mistakes. And when you look at it that way, it's amazing how many things we have to be grateful for. And gratitude is essential for long term happiness. It's funny - today, someone asked how old I was and I just rounded up. I said, "I'm almost 32." The voice inside my head was screaming "I'm 31 and a half!" like a little kid. That's one of my favorite take-aways from "Stranger from a Strange Land" - this concept that, at 31, I am still "only an egg." I'm still learning, still growing, still have so much to do and see. And my grandmother just turned 95, so I'm pretty confident that I have a fairly long life ahead of me so worrying about growing old is a bit premature. It's a waste of energy. What good does it do? Time is going to march on, regardless of our protests. Might as well embrace it and enjoy the ride.
Hypocritical, egotistical
Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box
An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost
I'm an apostrophe
I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see
I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe
And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased
And when I am deceased
At least I go down to the grave and die happily
Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee
I do what it takes
Closing out this post, this song is about pushing through and putting in the work to accomplish your dreams, regardless of how much "suffering" you have to go through. As I said, you just have to figure out what to do next. The rest will sort itself out on the way.
So what do I need to do next?
I need to go the fuck to sleep.
"Whatever It Takes" Video
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