When I was younger, I used to play this game called "No One Lives Forever." It was a first person shooter set in the 1960s that followed the missions of a British spy named Cate Archer. 1960s? FPS? Spies? Main character is female? I was all about it when I was 11-years-old. My dad had me try it out when it came as a sample in PC Gamer (Remember when it was semi-safe to trust the samplers?) and I ended up begging him to buy me and my sister the full version. Well, the full version also came with the soundtrack as a bonus. Score! OMG - I loved that soundtrack and it was featured very heavily in my workout music throughout my teens. I also really loved that game and remember it fondly. "The Operative" is Cate Archer's theme song. It's my favorite song on the OST, for various reasons: 1) It sounds sexy, 2) it's one of the only songs on the OST that has lyrics (and I connect better to songs with words....), and 3) during a time when I was seriously considering "intelligence officer" as a future career choice, it idealized the romantic vision of spycraft that I ate up as a little girl. In reality, spycraft is incredibly tedious and expert research skills are essential. If you're lucky (and smart), there shouldn't be many instances where you're running for your life, gun in hand - if there are, those are mostly training scenarios. If you're interested, a few "spy" books I recommend reading are "See No Evil" by Robert Baer and "The Company" by Robert Littell.
For today, I wanted to talk about a couple of dames (one fictional, one historical) who, to me, epitomize this idea of being beautiful, brilliant, and perhaps a tad dangerous - in a good way.
Agent Margaret "Peggy" Carter
Hopefully by now, everyone is familiar with Agent Carter, who I've decided is not just my favorite Marvel character, but also who I would like to be when I grow up. As you can imagine, I was disappointed when they stopped the show after two seasons. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Agent Carter is Captain America's first love, but after it is assumed he's lost forever, she has to carry on with her life. So what does she do? She joins the Strategic Scientific Reserve (SSR) in New York and proceeds to own the place. Being the only female operative at the SSR (the other women who work there have a more secretarial role), she feels the need to prove herself. I think this is natural for some people. I know it is for me - if someone says I can't do something or tries to tell me who I am, I'll probably try to prove them wrong out of spite. That's the goal - never be what someone expects (I like to think I meet that goal most days). At the end of the first season, she saves the day with her cunning and determination, which results in her being seen as a valued member of the SSR. In the MCU, it's also implied that Agent Carter was a founding member of S.H.I.E.L.D. and was crucial to its success as an organization. I'd have to give props to Hayley Atwell's performance of this complex character, both in the movies and in the TV show. Yes, Agent Carter was beautiful but that was not at all where it stopped. The first vibe you got from Atwell's Peggy was that this woman was a) Really fucking smart, and b) the classiest broad you will ever meet. Classy has nothing to do with being feminine or high maintenance, it has everything to do with treating yourself and others with respect. Agent Carter was there to do a job so she didn't hold back and she expected others to at least match her intensity, and continually push her to do better. And that is why she is one of my fictional role models.
Hayley Atwell as "Agent Carter"
Hedy Lamarr
Lamarr was described as "the most beautiful woman in the world" at one point in her career and that has to be the understatement of the century. You look at old publicity stills of Hedy Lamarr and it's almost hard to believe she was that gorgeous. And it's almost unfair that she was also graced with a brilliant mind. She was a natural inventor and, throughout her life, she spent much of her time on various hobbies, which included "tinkering" with everyday objects. Even though she enjoyed being an actress, she quickly became bored - especially since the roles she was given didn't exactly have depth. This feeling of disconnectedness only increased with the start of World War II. Not content with simply being a "morale booster" for the war effort, she wanted to contribute something of tangible value. She co-invented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology, which is the underlying tech that allows Bluetooth and Wi-Fi to work. Lamarr and composer George Antheil patented the technology in 1942. It was provided to the Navy for use in guided torpedoes but, at least during the war, a working device was never created. The patent was uncovered for commercial use later and eventually evolved into the wireless technologies we know today. However, Lamarr wasn't acknowledged for her role in its creation until 1997, when she received the Electronic Frontier Foundation Pioneer award. The rest of Lamarr's life is kind of tragic. She stopped making movies in 1958 and, even before then, most of her films were box office flops. As her looks declined with age, she became more reclusive, until she basically had no contact with the outside world. Even so, she is still one of the most beautiful women to ever grace the silver screen. And her invention allows me to compose this blog from the comfort of a wi-fi enabled laptop. For that, I will be eternally grateful.
Hedy Lamarr
That concludes our month on the Divine Feminine. Hopefully, you learned a little bit - I know I did. I'll be taking a short break tomorrow, will announce April's theme on Monday, and then I'll be resuming regular posts next week. Thanks for reading!
I discovered through my son's playlist on YouTube. His taste wavers between alternative, heavy metal, folk indie, and dance pop on any given day - so, basically, at the ripe old age of 3, he has better taste in music than 90% of the human population. It kind of hurts that my toddler is already cooler than I will ever be. I can tell he's going to be one of the "cool" kids, so I think my assumption that I was going to be shelling out tons of cash for black eyeliner and dark trench coats was premature. Also, just judging by his music list, he has a thing for blondes. I don't know where he got that from - definitely not from me.
Back to the song, Loren Gray is saying she can handle herself and she needs a man who not only recognizes that, but appreciates it. It's been a common thing in popular culture lately for women to refer to themselves as a "queen." But how many really understand what it's like to be a queen? How many have thoroughly studied statecraft and are ready to make executive decisions based on little to no information, as provided by a group of carefully selected advisers? I would reckon very few. I think, though, that the intention is to say that they're queens of their own respective domains. When I think of a queen, I think of someone who is looking to do what's best for everyone involved (not just what she wants). She's intelligent and can think for herself, but doesn't expect others to agree automatically and appreciates having a diversity of opinions to guide her. And, most of all, a queen shows grace under pressure - falling apart just because things went sideways is just not in her repertoire. Queens don't have the luxury of doing that, because everyone is counting on her to lead by example. Yes, that's a lot to live up to, but kingdoms (even small ones) rise and fall with their rulers, so it's important to uphold one's ideals, even when that's difficult.
There's really not much to say on this song. It's fun and it's a good song to use doing a warm-up. Instead, I've selected a few historical queens that I admire. Unfortunately, my favorite historical figure, Marie Antoinette, is not one of them. As much as I love her, she was kind of a shitty queen. Not her fault - royalty in Europe, and especially in France, had been declining for years. It was only a matter of time before the people rose up. Marie Antoinette was not groomed for being a leader - her mother, Empress Maria Theresa of Austria, used her and her sisters as political pawns to gain influence, but did not actually teach them statecraft despite being a successful ruler herself. I will argue to the death, though, that it was unnecessary to behead her and that the Jacobins were a bloodthirsty group of zealots - she was a victim of her time, pauvre Marie Antoinette.
Catherine de' Medici
Catherine de'Medici is a woman after my own heart. She was an Italian woman born into a wealthy banking family (with all the benefits, physical and intellectual, that this position bestowed) who married King Henry II of France. She wasn't exactly beautiful, but she was smart and knew how to wield influence like a beast. Catherine ruled France as regent when her first son took the thrown at the age of 10 and after he died, she was instrumental when her third son, Henry III, became king. She served as a political adviser and he still followed her guidance even after her death. She was a big patron of the arts, which was lucky because this was during the heart of the Renaissance period. Catherine de'Medici was also very interested in the occult and during her reign, the study of astrology and use of tarot cards gained popularity. She was also a patron of Nostradamus and she kept a personal necromancer/master of the dark arts, Cosimo Ruggeri, with her at court. I imagine he was like Constantine, except more Italian. Catherine de'Medici is still considered one of the most powerful women to have ruled France.
Catherine de'Medici
Boudica
For those who have played Civilization V, Boudica is the ruler who represents Celts. She is my personal favorite to play, because she gets a significant religious bonus during gameplay (and, for some reason, I enjoy watching whatever religion I create spread across the whole map). As fun as she is to play, however, it must be said that the actual Boudica was a legit badass. She was queen of a Celtic tribe who led an uprising against Roman forces, who were in the business of conquering Britain at the time. She failed, of course, but she is celebrated fondly as a British folk hero. Historical records describe her as a fierce warrior and leader. She saw the mistreatment of her people, the Iceni, by the Romans and acted accordingly. Boudica rallied her armies and did her best to beat back the encroaching threat of the Roman forces. At first, it seemed like she would be triumphant - prior to the final battle, she gave a rousing speech, saying that the gods were on their side because her cause was just. I think it's important to note that she was facing impossible odds - the Romans were going to conquer Britain regardless of whatever uprisings occurred. But her courage, determination, and devotion to her people's well-being are still admirable.
Boudica
Speaking of queens, I'm going to take this opportunity to share one of my favorite comic book illustrators, as she just recently re-opened her online store. Her name is Jen Bartel and you can check out her illustrations at her website (https://www.jenbartel.com/). She has done cover work for all the bigs (Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, etc.) and she's the co-creator of "Blackbird," which I haven't read yet because I missed subscribing when they published the first issue, but I'm hoping they'll compile all the issues into a single volume when the series is complete. Today was payday and I probably spent to much, but I'm trying to show my support for other small-time artists and writers by spending money on their work. What a concept!
One of my son's favorite music videos is Taylor Swift's "...Ready for It?" It's a fairly interesting video visually - T-Swift is always intensely involved with the video creation process, down to the idea. Whatever you think of her, the girl definitely has a vision to go along with that voice. "...Ready for It?" is set in a sort of post-apocalyptic cyber punk world, which is why the following image always confused and intrigued me.....
If you look at the graffiti on the stairs (inside what clearly used to be a mall), it says "They're Burning All the Witches." This phrase seemed oddly out of place among the robots and ruins surrounding Taylor. In the video, there's a version of Taylor Swift that's trapped in a glass box (her metaphors aren't so subtle) but she can clearly do amazing things, like change shapes and make electricity come out of her fingertips. Another version of Taylor - wearing dark clothes, face hidden in the shadows of a hoodie - walks up to the box and when their hands meet across the glass, it's implied that the two merge, becoming an otherworldly being of immense power. The video is fucking trippy, almost as crazy as the "Bad Blood" video. Her music videos are works of art in their own right, deserving fo an entire post about the brilliant cinematography and my interpretations of the stories behind them. This is not that post.
Back to the witches and the burning...That phrase finally made sense when I listened to other songs on her latest album, "Reputation" (which is a masterpiece - even better than 1989 - and is currently on my "Vinyls I Need to Own" wish list). She repeats the phrase over and over during the bridge of "I Did Something Bad." This happens to be my favorite part of the song, so I'll take the opportunity to share the lyrics here:
They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one
They got their pitchforks and proof
Their receipts and reasons
They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one
So light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)
Light me up, go ahead and light me up (light me up)
Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)
Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)
I think her message is pretty clear here. If people are going to judge her, she's going to be who she is. No matter how "bad" that is. I've been going over a lot of my witchcraft books (because I haven't fully read a lot of them), and a continuing theme in them is this idea of authenticity and your True Will. A lot of times, magic doesn't work because we're not aligned with our True Will. Part of aligning is being in touch with your inner truth and being clear about your desires. This is why shadow work is so important - it strips away layers and layers of thought patterns and beliefs that don't serve you. That don't help you to grow and keep you from being the best version of yourself. And, believe me, Taylor Swift knows a little something about doing shadow work.
If you've been following Taylor Swift as long as I have, you may remember that she used to be a lot more milquetoast. Typical white girl from the 'burbs, who happens to play guitar. And then life hit her and she had to grow some teeth. Everyone knows about the whole Kanye incident and, yes, that is a contributing factor. Surprisingly, though, I don't think that's the thing that really messed her up. Throughout her songs, there is this shadow of a man who clearly did a number on her. Lied, cheated, used her for her money - any number of things that can ruin your ability to trust in future relationships. I have my theories, as I've said, but I'll save those for another day. Suffice it to say that young Taylor had to learn to cope and her initial reaction was to adopt some of the same behaviors that others had used to cause damage to her psyche. Here we go - let's talk about Narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, because those are hard to identify when we're close to the situation but are the main predictors of future abuse. Taylor said it herself - I never trust a narcissist but they love me. Let's examine what that means in more depth.
During National Women's Month, we're often reminded about violence against women but we hardly ever talk about violence from women. However, the cycle of abuse can be endless, and it's common for the abused to become the abusers, especially if they aren't self-aware. I think that's an important thing to stress - antisocial behaviors are usually learned. I was thinking about narcissistic behavior this morning because I found myself thinking about my mom. I wish I didn't think about it so much but I do and it's something I'm still working through. It's part of the whole Tea with my Demons thing - I have one named Mommy Issues. She's a pale, skinny 8-year-old with long, impossibly straight black hair, who spends way too much time hiding in closets with her dog. She's the reason I don't like yelling and freeze up occasionally when people toss things around, even when it's not in a threatening way.
I have to confess something - I didn't realize my mom's behavior was abusive until I took a Psychology of Women course at university. I thought it was normal to be yelled at every day. I thought it was normal to feel isolated all the time because she wouldn't let friends come over. I thought it was normal to prefer being at school for 12 hours a day, rather than going home. I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells, terrified that any wrong move would set off her anger - only I never knew what the "wrong moves" were. I thought that it was being a good daughter to make sure her needs were met while sublimating my own. Then, when she apologized and was all loving, everything was okay again....until the next thing set her off. That's how narcissists get you. They want to keep you isolated and doubting yourself, because that's how they maintain control. If they start to lose control, they do one of two things: they get scary angry; or they pretend that they've changed until you feel comfortable again, and then they return to their old behaviors.
Narcissists are extremely skilled at getting you to trust them and make you feel dependent on them so that, by the time they start showing who they really are, you are unable to walk away....at least, not easily. Not without some pain, either legally, financially or - and this must be stressed - physically. Anything you tell them in confidence can be used as a weapon against you. And then they play mind games, like gaslighting, which is when they tell you one thing and when you bring it up, they say something else and then act like you're the idiot when you challenge them on it. You start to think you're going crazy or you just don't have a good memory. They act like you're a projection of them, so they criticize how you look or the way you dress. That's the thing that always hurt the most - it took me a long time to feel okay with trying clothes on because, no matter what I tried on, my mom said it didn't look good on me. Or that she'd be embarrassed if I wore certain clothes when we went out. I wore full makeup through most of high school because she said I wasn't pretty without it. I could go on but I don't want to get lost in this pity party, because the truth is, I've worked through a lot of those self-esteem and self-worth issues....
But I also got away. The best thing that happened to me was going to a university in another state. A lot of people aren't as lucky. Some people can't put a state between themselves and a narcissistic person. Some people didn't have a best friend in high school whose parents didn't mind if you crashed the night after a big fight at home. And some people didn't take a million psychology classes to recognize when someone is putting them through serious emotional and psychological abuse. I joke a lot that my Psychology degree is useless but I use it every day. I use it to check my own actions and behavior, because I don't want my son to have the childhood I had. He deserves better. I deserved better. And I want him to learn that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, so I have to demonstrate that every day, in all my interactions. I also talk about psychology with my coworker a lot. Despite not having a psych degree, she's pretty astute at reading people and she's caught on to a lot of people's neuroses just through interacting with different types of folks throughout her career. I like to think she appreciates the detached, academic side that I bring to the conversation. I hate to treat my mom as a case study but it helps, in a way - and now that she's gotten treatment, I've learned a lot of lessons on compassion and forgiveness. Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough. I know this wasn't the cheeriest of posts but I hope my experience helps someone out there. Resources: "How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse" and "11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse."
Side Note: For some reason, the audio seems weird on all the YouTube videos I looked at. I'm not sure if there's two different recordings but I prefer the album version (which is the one on Spotify, where I first heard it). This version isn't bad, but I feel like the breathy way she's singing doesn't do justice to her talent.
This song has major Queen of Pentacles energy. In the tarot, the Queen of Pentacles is the embodiment of the independent woman - she's able to bring whatever material wealth she needs or want into existence. She is a master of material success and, if she wants, she can have any luxury she wants. Ariana Grande definitely fits this description at the moment - as the first solo artist to hold the Top 3 spots on the Billboard 100 simultaneously (only the Beatles have done that previously), she is enjoying a level of success that most musical acts only ever dream of. Grande has come a long way from being the ditzy space cadet on "Victorious" - to be fair, though, she was the best character on that show. My work bro tried to drag this song because she sampled the melody of "My Favorite Things" heavily for this song, but I wouldn't allow it. Rappers and R&B artists sample/copy shit all the time, but when a pop artist does it, it's distasteful? Nuh uh, ain't happening. Nothing is original, it's all about how you put existing elements together in a new way that defines creativity. And a catchy hit is a catchy hit, regardless of how you feel about its creation story.
Back to the Queen of Pentacles - there's something to be said for a woman who writes her own story and can handle herself financially. First, it shows she has ambition, which is always sexy - I always associate the Queen of Pentacles with Capricorn in astrology, because Caps rule over career and business ambitions. The pentacles suit also corresponds to the Element of Earth in tarot, so really, it could stand for any of the Earth signs: Capricorn, Virgo, or Taurus. On a side note, Ariana Grande is a Cancer - Capricorn's sister sign - which makes sense because both signs put a lot of importance of financial security. They just rule over different domains (Cancer is all about home and family; Capricorn is all about career). Both are fucking boss bitches, if their energies are channeled positively.
Second, being able to support yourself financially allows you more freedom to make your own choices. And I, personally, like that freedom - when I first came to Texas and didn't have a job, I was so anxious. I held temporary job for a couple weeks until I started at my current place of employment, simply for the few hundred dollars I could make. Keep in mind that I probably didn't need to get a job right away - after I paid my student loans off (which I did as quickly as possible), the majority of my pay from my previous job went into my savings and I had a fairly comfortable cushion. But, it was important to me that I be able to contribute to our household. Now, if I want to buy something, I just buy it because it's my money. I'll usually tell The Husband, as a courtesy, regardless of how much I spent (I have relatively cheap tastes - most of my "luxury" items are books, witchcraft nonsense, and vinyl records) but as long as we have enough money in the joint to take care of the necessities, I don't worry about it too much. (Yes, we have separate accounts, in addition to the joint - this is highly recommended by financial goddess, Suze Orman, because you can't predict the future and will keep you from being stuck in a tough position if things go sideways). Which leads me to my final point....
I rarely feel guilty or worry about spending money on anything. If I can't afford it or don't absolutely need to have it, I don't buy it. It's that simple. The only thing I really have any qualms about is luxury services, like haircuts and massages. This is more about feeling I'm not deserving, something I've struggled with for a lifetime and that I'm slowly getting over. However, overall, I find that knowing that I've earned my abundance makes it easier to enjoy it. In the grand scheme of things, I'm very aware of how lucky my life has been and am super grateful for everything I have. That doesn't mean I don't wish I had more or wish things were better, but I can appreciate where I am now and what it took to get here.
Yeah, breakfast at Tiffany's and bottles of bubbles
Girls with tattoos who like getting in trouble
Lashes and diamonds, ATM machines
Buy myself all of my favorite things (Yeah)
Been through some bad shit, I should be a sad bitch
Who woulda thought it'd turn me to a savage?
Rather be tied up with calls and not strings
Write my own checks like I write what I sing, yeah (Yeah)
My wrist, stop watchin', my neck is flossin'
Make big deposits, my gloss is poppin'
You like my hair? Gee, thanks, just bought it
I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it (Yeah)
In summation, having control over your destiny means being able to make things happen on your own. Yes, this may mean going to a 9-to-5 job every day. Or, maybe it means that, in addition to being a killer housewife, you also have side projects going or volunteer regularly. My mom hasn't worked for more than a decade, but she does volunteer with NAMI and a couple of local museums. Channeling your energy into something outside of yourself gives you a sense of purpose and makes you feel more connected, which ultimately makes you a happier person. And that's ultimately what the Queen of Pentacles is about - being able to take care of yourself and create happiness in your own life so that you are fulfilled enough to give to those you love. Because you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first.
On that note, I'm going to share a book recommendation from a writer I follow on Twitter. Her name is Chidera Eggerue (she goes by Slumflower) and she wrote "What a Time to Be Alone." The book talks a lot about knowing your worth, learning to not allow other's demons to feed your own insecurities, and how loving yourself is the most important thing if you want your other relationships to survive. Her tweets can be kind of controversial - she's been dragged for quotes that some would consider "gold digging." But, personally, I don't consider being called a gold digger an insult. I think wanting the best for yourself and going after it is a valuable trait and was essential to women's survival in the past. For some women, this evolutionary desire is exercised through attracting a wealthy, stable partner; for me (and many others), it means staying focused on career ambitions. Neither choice is superior, they're just different. Sorry (not sorry) if that makes me a bad feminist.
Finally - and this goes without saying - this song is totally my 2019 goals.
"Killer Queen" is my go-to hype song, when I need to get pumped up for doing something. I used to make my dad play it whenever he dropped me off for an audition or performance in high school. Sometimes, I'll hear it on the radio when I'm driving to work (which is a lot more often than you'd think) and it immediately sets the tone for the day. Obviously, this is one of those songs that I like to pretend was written about me. Yes, I'm aware that it's about a high-class call girl. Irrelevant! Let's look at the facts:
Am I well-versed in etiquette? Yes, yes I am. Very polite and well-mannered, indeed. When my sister became the etiquette person for her sorority, who did she ask for book recommendations on the subject? That's right....me.
Am I extraordinarily nice? Almost to a fault.
In conversations, do I speak just like a baroness? Well, that's always the goal.
Did my perfume come from Paris? Naturally! (This actually is a factual statement....when I'm not wearing my perfumes from Italy or Spain. Not bragging, I just have expensive taste in perfume and I'm willing to pay for it. I'm the only person I know who wore Chanel Mademoiselle all through high school. It's a character flaw, if you really think about it...)
Am I fastidious and precise? Yes. Another thing I can't help. It's pathological.
Drop of a hat she's as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
She's all out to get you
She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatin
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Enough about me, on to the real subject of this post, which is - as if you couldn't guess - courtesans. For some reason, I've always had a fascination with courtesans and, as such, I've read a lot about them. Historically, as civilization became more developed, women's role in society became more and more restricted. However, there have been certain select women throughout history who, through their own cunning, have been able to escape the confines of this predetermined life by writing their own rules. Yes, some will point out that they got to where they were through what can loosely be called prostitution. While that may be true, I'd also point out that they have somehow become immortal, when millions of other women have perished in the dust of oblivion. Thus proving one of my favorite Internet quotes: Well-behaved women rarely (if ever) make history. Today, I'm going to discuss three of my favorite historical courtesans and the lessons their lives teach us.
Veronica Franco
Veronica Franco was an Italian courtesan who parlayed her influence in society into becoming a Renaissance poet. Franco was rare in that she is one of the few courtesans who were born into the life a courtesan. Her mother was also a famed courtesan and she taught Veronica the arts and skills required to be successful. Successful, during the Renaissance, still meant married to a wealthy man. Although she did get married young, the marriage did not work out and she had to return to life as a courtesan to support herself and her children. Her success in her profession was largely attributed to her well-educated background and enthusiasm for intellectual discussions. As a notable courtesan in Venice, she published two volumes of poetry and was a patron of other writers of the era. With her wealth, she established a charity for other courtesans and their children. Eventually, she got caught up in the Inquisition (as prostitutes - especially courtesans - were a common target for acquisitions of witchcraft), but she was luckily acquitted of the charges. Lesson #1: What we do to make a living does not define who we are.
Portrait of Veronica Franco
Josephine "Josie" Marcus
Josie Marcus is most famously remembered as Wyatt Earp's common-law wife. However, before she met him in Arizona, she had a whole adventure of a young life. She was the daughter of a Jewish baker but eventually ran away from home in her mid-teens. She worked hard to keep this part of her life private, so the best accounts out there show that she may have joined a theatrical company and traveled throughout the western United States. Eventually, she ended up in Prescott, where she more than likely worked as a prostitute for some time (in between performances, maybe?). At some point, she met the sheriff of Cochise County, who convinced her to move to Tombstone by promising the still quite young Josie marriage. He went back on that promise (of course) but she stayed in Tombstone anyway. As the story goes, she met Wyatt Earp and they fell in love. Never mind that he was living with another woman at the time. However tumultuous their relationship was, though, Marcus and Earp stayed together for 47 years, having adventures until he died. Lesson #2: Sometimes, the adventure is worth the risk.
Possible Image of Josephine Marcus
Kiki de Montparnasse
Alice Prin - or Kiki de Montparnasses as she became known - was a celebrated artist's model in 1920s Paris. She sat for many of the great painters of the day but she is most notably linked to Man Ray, who was her lover for most of the 20s and painted hundreds of portraits of her. Kiki was the epitome of the liberated woman for the Jazz Age. She was audacious, intelligent, fun-loving, and talented in her own right. She painted dozens of pictures herself and starred in several films. Kiki was also affectionately remembered as a music hall singer - a common occupation for courtesans of this time period - and eventually, she was also able to purchase a cabaret of her own. We know much of Kiki's life due to her own self-published memoirs, which - unlike Josephine Marcus - she tried to keep as honest and true-to-life as she could. Unfortunately, Kiki de Montparnasse died relatively young - at age 51 - but she was still well-loved at the time and her funeral was attended by many friends and fans. She also inspired one of my favorite lingerie boutiques, Kiki de Montparnasse - favorite in that - one day, when I can afford it - I am going to buy stuff from there because I love the aesthetic. Lesson #3: Being a muse for others is absolutely a viable career choice, but it's much more fulfilling to be your own muse.
Kiki de Montparnasse
And there you have it. The abbreviated life stories of three women who you may not have known much about but who indelibly shaped their own little corner of the Universe. One more note - while listening to this song on Spotify, I learned that 5SOS did a cover of "Killer Queen." It's not bad but I prefer the original, which is true for most covers.
This song came up on my Spotify Discover playlist. It's super catchy - there's your warning. I've been thinking back on my life, trying to figure out where I got here, to this moment. On one hand, I'm fairly successful by societal standards, generally content with most things in my life; on the other, I'm kind of disappointed because I thought things would be different. I couldn't tell you exactly how it would be different, I just thought it would be. I guess I envy the point of view in this song, because I've been so muddled for so long. I didn't have a clear direction, things just sort of happened and I followed where they led. Last week, during my work meetings, the head facilitator brought up this great metaphor that I plan to use for absolutely everything now. He said we had to correct our Natural Point of Aim. Marksmen will set their sights on a target, then close their eyes and move their gun around. After a few seconds, with their eyes still closed, they have to aim at where they think the target is. Where the gun ends up is their Natural Point of Aim, which is self-explanatory. If you're very far off target, you have to keep doing the exercise until you're fully corrected. Until your Natural Point of Aim is the target. I believe I'm in the process of correcting my Natural Point of Aim. And, understandably, I'm annoyed at how far off target I am because I hold myself to such high standards. Standards, by the way, I don't hold anyone else to, which is part of my problem.
Tomorrow is a Full Moon in Libra. Libra is all about balance, wanting balance in all areas of your life. And I'm starting to realize how unbalanced my life is and now, balance is all I want. Because my natural inclination is to do too much, to put in to much, regardless of what I'm getting back. We can talk all day about why that is - I know I have serious psychological hangups and I'm working on it. Suffice it to say that, if I pull back even just the slightest bit, nothing gets done. I've been filling in the gap my whole life - and I don't know how to stop. I can't just let the chaos pile up around me. I know Marie Kondo would tell me that it's okay to let it happen, that you can rebuild something new with the rubble. Cleaning up the mess that ensues would be preferable to what I'm currently feeling, which is resentful and angry. And when I voice that anger, I'm the one who seems unreasonable. "You had no problem with things being this way before, what changed?" I got fed up. I'm exhausted and I'm not even trying to hide it anymore. I find myself yelling a lot more and I hate it. Yelling gives me anxiety, because I did so much of it when I was younger, because I had to defend myself and my sisters. And there's nothing I dislike more than the feeling of screaming and still not being heard.
Oh, I don't know what you've been told
But this gal right here's gonna rule the world
Yeah, that is where I'm gonna be because I wanna be
No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty
You get off on your nine to five
Dream of picket fences and trophy wives
But no, I'm never gonna be 'cause I don't wanna be
No, I don't wanna sit still look pretty
This is my current mood. I'm going to fucking fix this mess I've gotten myself in. I think a lot of problems emanate from not being crystal clear about what you want in life. That's how you get off track - you lose sight of who you want to be and what you want to accomplish. Daya is perfectly clear about what she wants in her life - she wants to rule the world, she doesn't want a typical suburban life with all the trappings of mediocrity. In manifestation (and tomorrow is also a Supermoon, so a great time for doing manifestation work), it's extremely powerful to just put into words what you want. Putting it out to the Universe voices your commitment to making it happen. I want to be a writer. I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to have my shit together, for once. Then comes the hard part. I mean, don't get me wrong - just being able to identify what it is you really want is hard enough. To be honest, it took me a couple decades. But the second part is harder, because you have to just trust that you'll get there.
There's this principle in Taoism called wu wei. It's the action of non-action, that when we're alignment, we don't have to do anything to make what we want happen. A simpler way to put this is "going with the flow." I've been trying to do that, but I struggle with patience. And non-action scares me a little. I have this intense feeling that, if I'm not doing something, nothing is going to happen. Trying to get into this paradoxical wu wei state of being has been a trial. How do you even get into "alignment"? Well, from all my research, all you have to do is live from your most authentic self, which is also very scary. It's scary to be honest with people about what you're thinking and what you're feeling. Being authentic means that you're basically the same person publicly as you are privately, something I've never been good at. But, in hindsight, I can also say that keeping those walls up has taken its toll. I'm doing my best to not try to force things, to make things happen.
This afternoon, while I was getting ready to go running, I got a nasty shock when I found a spider on my closet door. My first instinct was to smash it. However, since I've decided to commit to this whole "everything is sacred" thing, I figured it must be a sign from the Universe and it would be a bad idea to kill the poor thing. It was just a Daddy Long-Legs, after all. Not dangerous, just big and he surprised me, which isn't a good reason to kill anything. So I got a cup and released him on my front door step. Afterwards, I googled the spiritual meaning of spiders - they represent creativity and our ability to weave our own Fate. They also represent the need for patience, because you can't rush when you're constructing something of great meaning and beauty. Keeping that in mind, earlier today, lyrics from a particular song was stuck in my head and offered guidance on how to deal with where I am right now:
When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be.
So, I'm trying to just let things be right now. I'm definitely not in control of this ride, so why worry so much? Keep seeking whatever you're searching for, because it's also seeking you. I know the above sounds like of a bunch of bullshit, but I think there's a lot of wisdom in songs, if you just take a moment to listen.
"Praying" signaled Kesha's re-entry to the music scene, after a long, excruciating battle with Sony and Dr. Luke for the rights to perform her own music. I'm sure everyone knows what happened but in case you don't, I'll briefly explain. Kesha was really young when Dr. Luke signed her to his label, Kemosabe Records, which is owned by Sony Entertainment. Through her work, she created her music persona, Ke$ha, and quickly started churning out chart toppers. Behind the scenes, though, it wasn't as rosy and in 2014, she checked into rehab for bulimia nervosa. Later in the year, after she had recovered, she sued Dr. Luke for sexual assault, sexual harassment, and various other things. Unfortunately, it's quite common in the entertainment industry for young people to be exploited in exchange for dreams of stardom. It's not unique - I think, as humans, we have a tendency to let others exploit our weaknesses for far longer than we think we would, just for a taste of something we desire so much. Sometimes, we get strong enough to realize we deserve better than how someone is treating us.
Forgiveness is a never-ending journey. There are some people I have to forgive daily. And, if that doesn't work, every hour. It's hard to accept some things that can never be changed. Occasionally, you get the opportunity to forgive someone in person, but most of the time, you just have to do it for yourself. For example, I have to accept that I will never have a happy childhood. Aside for some short periods, it was lonely and painful and scary. And I can't change that. But I can be grateful for the people that made it a little easier, who took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I can be grateful for the teachers who made me feel smarter and more talented than I think I am. And I can be grateful for the person the hard times turned me into. I'm dedicated to being the mother I wished I had growing up. In many ways, I already was, even before I had my son. I genuinely love taking care of people and being someone they can turn to if they need help. I've learned a great deal of compassion and patience. My friends sometimes ask me why I didn't cut my mom out of my life. Believe me, I wanted to....but it's hard for me to give up on people. I have a tendency to give second, third, and fourth chances, even when I know I shouldn't. That's something I've had to learn to forgive myself for, thinking that forgiveness means letting people continue with their bad behavior. That's the other hard lesson about forgiveness - it doesn't mean that you don't hold people accountable for the things they've done. I'm certain Kesha has forgiven Dr. Luke, but she was right to take him to court.
You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"
I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'
Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive
It may come as a shock to nobody, but I actually pray quite a lot. Silently, before every meal (although I forget sometimes, because I'm hungry). Occasionally, in the morning and before I go to sleep. And especially when The Husband's driving (because his aggressive habits really terrify me, sometimes). I do pray for others, like my friends and family, especially if I know they're going through a hard time. I know some people don't think it's worth doing, because they don't think anyone is listening. And that may be true - I don't know and I don't claim to. But when there's literally nothing you can do, praying feels like at least you're doing something, even if it's only sending good thoughts into the ether. It calms me down when I'm nervous, as does talking through my thoughts. I'm sure I probably look and sound like a crazy person, but at this point in my life, I don't really care anymore. There are many ways to find inner peace - mine happens to be through words, both spoken (or sung) and written.
Lately, my son has been mimicking "Kung Fu Panda" and he'll sit in a little meditation pose or put his hands together like he's praying. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, because he always has this mischievous little smile, like he's having so much fun. And that's when I'm really grateful for the lessons in those movies. I don't want him to learn them the hard way if he doesn't have to. Coincidentally, I watched the last episode of "Mad Men" last night. I'd been putting it off for a long time - nearly two years - because I didn't want the series to end. But after watching it, I'm really glad I waited. If I had watched it two years ago, I probably would have found it weird and unsatisfying (like many other viewers did). However, having grown so much in the last couple years, I could appreciate where Don Draper finally ended up. After many mistakes and pushing everyone he loved away, he finally embarks on his own quest for inner peace. Better late than never.
Just a few notes on the song and its video - this song always kind of chokes me up when I hear it on the radio. The video is overly artsy and starts with a dialogue of Kesha, talking about how hard things are in life. It's Kesha, so of course everything is vividly colored, and there's a liberal amount of sparkles and glitter. Not gonna lie - after watching this video, I desperately wanted to go out and buy a used prie dieu (which means, "pray to god" in French and is basically a little bench you use to kneel and pray) that I could refurbish with colorful paint and rhinestones. I know - that's semi-sacrilegious but it's gonna happen one day. I've already decided on it.
With a song from an artist my work bro introduced me to on this trip. His name is Jon Bellion and he does a sort of experimental hip hop. A lot of sampling and liberal use of an MPC, which gives his music a unique sound. However, it's the lyrics that got me. My friend played "Woke the F*ck Up" and I was hooked. This guy gets it. Coincidentally, this song is from his debut album, appropriately titled "The Human Condition." Most of his songs fit that theme accurately. There's something meaningful in the mundane, and Bellion captures that.
Take your clothes and rip 'em, rip 'em off
Call these hoes and tip 'em, tip 'em off
You can tell them you are mine
I'm sick of, sick of games
No more time, you lit the, lit the flame, yeah
We live in an age where everything is staged
Where all we do is fake our feelings
I've been scared to put myself so out there
Time is running out, yeah
Need to let you know that
Last night I woke the fuck up
I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh
Last night I woke the fuck up
I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah-eh
We decided not to go out to eat tonight. We both had leftovers and, quite frankly, I think we're both a little bored of hanging out together after four days. That's normal. It's normal to get tired of hanging out with someone all day. It's normal to struggle for things to talk about, even if you're good friends with someone. And yet again, that tiny, goddamned voice....
"You never wanted normal."
During the course of the day, when there's lulls in the constant activity, my mind wanders. I was thinking about the story I'm writing. I've been struggling to identify what I want to convey. But I realized it's simply this....To expose the blood and bone and sinew that gets to the heart of human existence. I want to write something raw and desperate like that, something that reminds people that's real. They're not imagining it. What we're experiencing is real and not real at the same time. I've gotten to the point in this trip where everything seems a little surreal. I was getting breakfast and I was acutely aware of how sticky the floor was. A sticky floor in a rather high-end looking hotel. I hate sticky floors, but I'm also kind of high maintenance. This realization - of sticky floors and not-quite-right scrambled eggs - is part of my effort to stay present. I take a moment and try to really understand the details of where I am, everything I'm sensing through my physical presence, and my thoughts about those things. For example, I was looking at all the people I was sharing this small conference room with, trying to memorize their faces. And I came to the conclusion that I have no clue what "attractive" means anymore, because everyone's face seemed pleasant to me. By pleasant, I meant I didn't mind looking at them but it didn't bother me if I wasn't looking at them. I guess neutral, is a better word. I've become neutral.
When I was 18, I read Jean-Paul Sartre's "Nausea." I know that sounds pretentious, to say I've read Jean-Paul Sartre, but I have because that's just who I am. I don't mention that a lot because most people have no idea who he is or what existentialism even really means. People just think it sounds cool to say, but it's a fairly profound philosophical concept. Existentialism is the idea that each individual is responsible for giving their own life meaning. We begin in a state of dread - that life is inherently meaningless. This feeling, as described by Sartre, is akin to nausea. It's disorienting and disquieting, and leaves you with a pit in your stomach. Another way I'd describe it would be emptiness and an existential crisis, indeed, leaves you feeling like you're being sucked into a black void, of which you can never crawl out of, which some would call the Dark Night of the Soul. This is usually the start of the Hero's Journey. Something happens that turns his/her whole world inside out, to the point where he can't cope. Some people (possibly most people) live at the edge of this void for the majority of their lives. However, the only way out of it is to struggle through, dragging yourself through your own personal hell. Eventually, you reach the point of no return - some call this seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but in truth, you have to realize you had the light the whole time. This is the arc of a good character-driven story and, as it turns out, a good concept album as well. "The Human Condition" follows essentially Jon Bellion's Hero's Journey. I'm trying to keep these ideas in mind as I write my own character-driven plot. One final thought before I end this rant - the following sentence came to me today and I feel strongly that I'm meant to share it, because I find it comforting:
The [human] experience is not unique, our perception of it is.
This past weekend, I was so tired. And it wasn't normal tired. It was utter exhaustion compounded with distress that I know can slowly sink into depression. All I wanted to do was sleep, and that's what I did, because I could barely move. At some point on Saturday night, though, I woke up, still in my clothes. After registering that I should change into my pajamas and get ready for bed properly, I hesitated and briefly considered just going back to sleep. That's when that old familiar voice in my head spoke up. "This isn't you, you're better than this, you're stronger than this. So, girl, go wash your face." And that's what I did. I've been depressed before - this should be obvious. I've been honest here about my suicide attempts and my eating disorder. I've always gotten through it before. Now I know why - it was through sheer force of will. I got through because I'm me and that's the only constant in my life, the only real thing I can believe in. One of my most formative memories I have is when this evangelical group was trying to engage my dad in the mall. He told the guy, "Sorry, I don't believe in that." The guy asked, "Well, what do you believe in?" My dad's reply was "I believe in myself." At the time, I thought he was just blowing the guy off but, now that I really think about it - after all my searching - that's the foundation of everything I know to be true.
I want to talk about one of my personal heroes today - my older sister, M. She's amazing because, her whole life, she has always been so authentically herself. If she changed in any way, she didn't justify it ever, because you shouldn't have to justify that you're growing as a person. From my perspective, M was never afraid to try for things, even if she failed. It's one of the reasons why she's extraordinary today - she didn't care if she failed, she just knew she wanted something and went after it. I say she's extraordinary because she is - she has a PhD in a very competitive field, she does CrossFit and weight-lifting tournaments, she's a great friend, and she's one of the most caring and compassionate people I know. Okay....so she kind of has terrible taste in music (Dave Matthews Band...blech), is a book/film snob, and it's no secret that she's basic. But she's cool with how she is - if she's basic, well, that's because she likes being basic. That's just how she is. I'm trying to learn how to be that secure with who I am - because I know I'm a little extra (and quite a bit to handle for some people). It's hard to do, especially since I've hidden fundamental parts of myself for so long. I've learned a lot more about M now that we're adults. More of the hard stuff she's been through, things I really didn't know as a kid. After all the shit she gave me in college about Psychology being a "soft science," she's the one who is always advocating therapy "even if you don't think you need it." But she's right. In many ways, I'm envious of her, because it's clear that she wasn't afraid to follow her intuition. Surprisingly, she found herself at the same crossroads as I did and, sometimes, I wonder if she made better decisions. Everything always makes sense in the rear view and, in those cases when I didn't listen to my inner voice, I'm going to have to rectify those mistakes somehow.
I hit a wall, I thought that I would hurt myself
Oh I was sure, your words would leave me unconscious
And on the floor I'd be lying cold, lifeless
But I hit a wall, I hit 'em all, watch the fall
You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer
You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer
I had several random thoughts today. This morning, I was thinking how snazzy I'd dress if I were a man, because I feel like menswear is so classy but very few men know how (or have the inclination) to dress themselves, even with everything at their disposal. I also found myself thinking about the Cardinal signs in astrology. I like to associate the signs with their elements and, with Cardinal signs, I specifically am reminded of natural disasters to describe how they are when they're angry. Cardinal signs are the initiators of change, the catalysts to making things happen. Basically unstoppable, if their energy and focus is well-harnessed. Capricorns I associate with earthquakes, because the destruction is very controlled and measurable, which aligns with their calculating nature. Libras (like M) are like tornadoes, because they're very focused and the shape is usually very balanced. Aries are like wild fires, unpredictable but easy to get under control by skilled hands. Cancers, however, are like a tsunami, because it's rare to see them get to the point of being destructive but once they reach that point, expect total devastation. Nothing is left after a tsunami, because the ocean washes everything away. You're left with a clean slate. So yeah, that's what I think about during the brief breaks I get while at work.
"Sledgehammer" was the theme for "Star Trek Beyond." The message is pretty simple - the only way to get through hard times - like a break up (which I believe the song is about) - is straight through. With force. This isn't a difficult metaphor to crack. We always talk about "the wall" in running - obviously, "the wall" isn't a physical wall. It's actually more of a mental barrier, the point where your brain believes you can't go on. However, I recently learned about the Navy Seal 40% rule, which says that at the point your brain tells you that you can't do anymore, you 40% of your actual capability to do the task. If you can keep going past this point, you'll be able to continue and reach your full potential for the task. There's a theory that this is just a placebo effect - if you tell your brain you can do more, you'll naturally be able to do more. But if something works, it works - and I think most personal problems are a result of having a bad mindset anyway. If you think you can do more or if you think you're good at something, that naturally changes your perception of whatever you're trying to do. This is why affirmations can be helpful during recovery for various illnesses (both psychological and physical). Not only that, but a positive outlook is one of the strongest predictors of longevity, because it contributes to overall levels of happiness. So, basically, if you plan to be an Immortal, start working on being happier.
In the tarot deck, for a long time, I associated myself with the Queen of Cups - generous, compassionate, nurturing, kind, emotional (sometimes too emotional). But now that I'm starting to identify a little more with the other Queens, I've been thinking lately about which Major Arcana card I resonate with. According to the instructions in the Thoth Tarot book (which is simply adding up your birthday), my card would be #2, The High Priestess. And yes, that fits me in many ways. But do I resonate with it? Yes, but only a little. No, the card I've been drawn to lately is The Star. A symbol of hope and faith, both of which I seem to have in droves these days, regardless of the chaos that is engulfing my life. It also represents a push to follow inner guidance, another thing I've been trying to do lately.
I want to take this opportunity to talk about a few of my favorite fictional female characters who embody traits that I value - Courage, Leadership, Hope, Perseverance, Kindness, Grit, and - most of all - the ability to embrace change and grow through hardship. Y'all know I love Harry Potter, but I will not be talking about Hermione today - I have rants for days about Hermione and I'm sure I'll get to her in due time. But today, the characters I want to focus on have endured the absolute definition of hardship and have become so much stronger as a result. They realized at some point that the only way to get through the shit that they've been through was to trust themselves and their own inner knowing that they can endure.
But you won't burn out this starfire
This feeling is dancin' in my flames
Throw me and I'll just burn brighter
Oh, you can't burn out this starfire
No matter what you say
Julia is my favorite character on "The Magicians." I feel like she gets so much undeserved hate because people view her as the cause of all the crazy shit that happened to the core group from Brakebills University. What those people don't realize is that she's the catalyst - nothing can happen without her. Full disclaimer - I have not watched Season 3 yet and I don't have cable, so I have no idea where the show is now, so my perceptions are based on the first two season. However, according to Eliza, the only way that the characters could survive the beast was to reject Julia from Brakebills. It's not that she's not talented with magic. Quite the contrary - in previous timelines, Julia is shown to be a veritable magical prodigy, way better than anyone in the core group, which is why she had to be rejected. Because she was the only one who would be able to find her way back to the magic, the only one who would seek it out even after her memory was erased. And, when the Old Gods turn off the magic spigot, she's the only one who can make magic happen at the end of Season 2. Having not seen more recent seasons, I posit that it's because she's discovered something that is fundamental to magic - magic is not an end or a means. Magic just exists and it's a part of you, if you know it's there. Julia is the only character with enough hope and faith to go searching - again, after all the bad shit that has happened to her on her journey - when everyone just accepts that things just are the way they are. Lesson 1 - Complacency with the status quo is the enemy of excellence.
Stella Maeve as Julia Wicker
Let's move onto Captain Sara Lance, the White Canary, from "Legends of Tomorrow." Black Canary is my favorite DC hero but I love that the CW introduced Sara Lance as the original Canary, before Laurel took up the mantel on "Arrow." Sara started out as the wild child, the black sheep who could never measure up to her older sister (a role I am very familiar with). Her journey starts with one of her shenanigans - going on a yacht trip to hook up with her older sister's boyfriend, just because she could. She ended up getting much more than she bargained for - after surviving the ship wreck, she ends up stranded on the island with Oliver, fighting against criminals. Then, somehow, she ends up at Nanda Parbat, where she is given the name of Ta-er al-Sahfer (roughly translated as canary in Arabic) and is trained as a member of the League of Assassins. Throughout both the "Arrow" and "Legends of Tomorrow," her story gets crazier and more tragic, to include being raised from the dead, having to allow her sister to stay dead in order to preserve the timeline, and making tough choices in order to save the lives of her team on the Wave Rider. However, when time came to appoint a new Captain for the Wave Rider, Rip Hunter doesn't hesitate to leave Sara in command. Even though she is younger than most of her team mates, the wisdom she has gained from her experience and her dedication to the mission makes her the obvious choice. As one of the few bisexual characters on TV, it should also be noted that her sexuality isn't a main plot point. If anything, they kind of underplay it and her current romance with Time Bureau Director Ava Sharpe is probably one of the sweetest and most normal relationships I've seen on TV in a long time. Lesson #2 - Your checkered past can always be an asset, as long as you walked away having learned from your mistakes.
Caity Lotz as Captain Sara Lance
Finally, let's talk about Vanessa Ives from "Penny Dreadful." My favorite thing about Vanessa Ives is that - in an ensemble that consists of mostly men - not only does she hold her own, she holds a place of respect from all the other characters and commands fierce loyalty, even though she has not asked it of them. On the contrary, she understands that the mission she's asking them to undertake is extremely dangerous and can accept if they can't stomach the darkness they'll be facing. And while often she is portrayed as a bit cold at first, there are many moments throughout the series where she's displays genuine kindness for everyone she meets. She's the only person who meets John Clare (Frankenstein's Monster) and does not pull away in fear. In fact, she befriends him and treats him with respect, as everyone should do upon meeting another soul. When she dies at the end (spoiler alert - I have not finished the series myself but peeked ahead), it is a blow to everyone, because she means so much to them - as their friend, as their leader, and as someone who helped them find their purpose. And she did this while being possessed by a demon and sought by Dracula to become the Mother of Darkness. Lesson #3 - No matter how dark things get, you can transform it into light by reaching within yourself to be kind to others. Taking the time to understand another's story allows you to put things into perspective.
Eva Green as Vanessa Ives
I won't ever be perfection, ever be your golden child
I'm not spinnin' on this planet just for me to make you smile
I love my crooked halo, hell, I won't apologize
You can touch it all you want, but no matter how hard you try
Last week, I was thinking of going back to my old bad habits and doing the same thing I always do when things get hard to handle - limp back to the safety of a familiar situation, accepting that things are just the way they are. The Universe had other plans. It literally made it physically impossible to get back to my old tricks. For my job, I was sent to a literal sanctuary in the middle of flyover country and the message was simple - you need time to focus on yourself and forget about the world a little bit. On top of that, I'm going to put you in a situation where you shine your brightest - where you can be Business Jess, which is just Regular Jess with fewer cuss words and inappropriate stories. Although I'm not in the most exciting of places, I am going to have plenty of time to do things that make me feel great. A lot of solitude to devote to journaling, meditation, working out, a lot of reading, a lot more sleep, and - as if that wasn't enough - the weather is surprisingly nice here, contrary to what I was expecting. And I'm getting some time to have adventures with one of my work bros, one of the few people I know who is as intense about music as I am (he knows a lot more about rap music than I ever will).
Yesterday, I found myself at the same gate I was waiting at about a year ago, in May 2018. But the girl sitting by the window last year is very different from who I am now. Still the same, fundamentally, but about a dozen layers of fear and doubt stripped away. And yet again, this week, I find myself one of the few women in a room full of "important people" (the only WOC, at that) and I feel quite strongly that I - due to my experience, intelligence, and "street cred" - very much belong there. And, at the moment, only one true sentence comes to mind...
When I was younger, I loved classic movie actresses. I thought they were glamorous and classy and graceful and amazing in all the ways I could never be. Vivien Leigh, the Hepburns (Katherine and Audrey - no relation), Hedy Lamarr (more on her later), Lauren Bacall, Veronica Lake, and of course, Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn's story was so tragic - she suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, and based on my experiences with my mother, I really identified with that. I don't have BPD (surprisingly) but learning about Marilyn's struggles with her own identity and her desire for stability that she could never fully attain, I could begin to understand how things looked from my mom's perspective. There was a lot of fear for Marilyn - that no one loved her for her, that she was worthless if she wasn't pretty, the desperation to have a family of her own, a family that wouldn't abandon her. All things I struggled with myself at one point, albeit to a lesser extent. It's unfortunate because Norma Jean - the real person underneath the blonde bombshell persona - was actually pretty great. Norma Jean was very intelligent and empathetic. I feel like to be a good actress, you have to be extremely empathetic, because acting - to me - is simply the art of being human. She loved kids because she was still young at heart. And she wrote a lot - mostly poetry and, in my opinion, it was pretty good. She valued honesty and authenticity - she veritably craved it because it always felt like everyone was lying to her - and you can see that in her poems.
I contrast Marilyn's story with my other favorite actress from my teen years, Audrey Hepburn. I was obsessed with Audrey. I've seen "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "My Fair Lady," "Sabrina," and "Roman Holiday" so many times, I've lost count. She was (and is) everything I would like to be when I grow up. Like Marilyn Monroe, I probably know way too much about Audrey Hepburn's life - I even read a biography on her (and I'm not a big fan of biographies) and wrote a paper on it. I recently ran across a quote from a director who worked with Audrey. A journalist asked "How do you work with Audrey Hepburn and not fall in love with her?" His answer was simple. "You don't." And I believe it. You must understand - she wasn't a perfect person. Hepburn was a hopeless romantic and her love life was....complicated, to say the least. She was married twice (and divorced....twice) and, during both marriages, she had several affairs. And when she did find her dream man, they never married, although they were passionately in love for the last 13 years she was alive. As far as I can tell, he was the only one of her love affairs that wasn't punctured with infidelity.
But, for all her flaws, she was incredibly kind and compassionate. From the way people talk about her, she wasn't exactly Mr. Rogers level as far as kindness goes, but she was pretty darn close. Towards the end of her life, she dedicated the majority of her time to being a Good Will Ambassador for UNICEF and, aside from her love for Robert Wolders and her own children, her work with UNICEF was her greatest passion. Even working with Audrey, people couldn't help but love her and her innocent enthusiasm for life. She was always authentically herself and you can see that in her film work. For a woman that was the epitome of class and grace in the 60s, she was comfortable enough with who she was to do the most embarrassing stuff for a role. If you've seen "Roman Holiday," there's a scene where Audrey does this ridiculous interpretive dance with a bunch of Italian beatniks. As weird as her dance is, she looks so natural doing it, so free, that it doesn't seem weird at all. It's just her, that's just how she is. For a lot of actors, that's a big hurdle to get past because, even though you're pretending to be someone else, there's this mental block that's screaming "You look like an idiot!" Some people have a bigger struggle than others and a few people are lucky enough that they don't have to deal with it hardly at all. I'd like to think I'm finally over that now - that I genuinely don't care how stupid I look because everyone looks stupid sometimes. And I find that people seem to like me more when they realize I'm not as put together as I seem - assuming I let them see that. Another thing that I learned from Audrey Hepburn, which I've tried to incorporate into my soul as much as possible, is that kindness is more important than physical beauty. Not only that, but the idea that to be kind is to be beautiful. That anyone who can put aside their ego, their inhibitions, and be compassionate to another person without expectation is, by default, a beautiful person. A beautiful soul. And you can't hide a beautiful soul. You just can't.
First class, fancy free, she's high society
She's got the best of everything
Why could a guy like me ever really offer?
She's perfect as she can be, why should I even bother, ah ha
Cause she's so high
High above me, she's so lovely
She's so high
Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite
She's so high
High above me
It goes without saying - I like to pretend this song is about me. I think most girls do. As much as I like this song, though, it's kind of problematic. The singer is putting the girl on a pedestal and using that as a justification not to talk to her. I read somewhere that it's not uncommon for beautiful women to have only a few boyfriends during the course of their lives. And to be further hindered in their careers because of their attractiveness. It's because guys are afraid of them. (That's another reason why I don't fuck with cowards - they usually don't give me the option.) I mean, look who he's comparing her to. Cleopatra, who was a fucking ruler of an extremely fundamental ancient civilization. Joan of Arc, who led the French army into victory against the British and is a legit saint. And Aphrodite, who is literally the Goddess of Love. Though I know many women capable of the first two things (and possibly the third - there's no telling how many Immortals live among us), I think it's unfair to leave out what happens to all three of these women. Cleopatra kills herself after her lover died and her country was on the brink of being invaded by the fucking Roman empire. Joan of Arc was burned at the stake because her visions became inconvenient for the ruling elite. And Aphrodite was forced to marry another God that she didn't love and wasn't attracted to simply because "Zeus said so." So like, by not having respecting the girl enough to see her as a real person and approaching her with genuine interest (even if means risking rejection), you are literally limiting her options. And those remaining options may not be that great. Don't get me wrong - women are great. But we're humans, too. No better or worse than men, just a little different (and they're minor differences, in the grand scheme of things).
That's my rant for the day. I'm 3 for 3 on my goal of meditating every day - an intention I set for myself on the New Moon/Ash Wednesday, because I know meditation is important but I don't make time for it. I try to do it before I write so hopefully, that has made these rants a little more coherent because I'm taking the time to gather my thoughts first. Especially for the rants I'm planning this month, a fair bit more research and thought is involved. I'm looking forward to seeing how much these rants evolve and I hope y'all are, too. Thanks for reading!
Happy New Moon, y'all! I've been exhausted the last two days and went to bed early....so I'm making up for it today with a SUPER RANT!!! Otherwise known as me ranting about two completely separate topics because, even though I was down for the count, my mind was in overdrive, like always. First, let's talk astrology, because some crazy shit is happening this month. Seriously - if you look at Llewellyn's astrology calendar, March is jam-packed full of events, only a few of which I'll be breaking down today. Because, much like Constantine, I consider myself a "petty dabbler in the Dark Arts." Just a quick disclaimer - I am NOT an astrologer, just an amateur enthusiast that's been doing a lot of research lately because it struck my fancy. I'm relating my best understanding of astrological events and impacts but some (or all) of it might be total bullshit. Please be kind if you have corrections.
As you may be aware, we are currently in Mercury Retrograde, which officially started yesterday but the pre-shadow period (if you believe in that) started February 19th. I, for one, have burned myself several times within the last week, as well as sent out numerous mass emails that had at least one glaring typo. If you know anything about me, you know that typos just don't "happen" to me, especially on mass emails. I proofread my own shit multiple times and for these particular emails, I also had my team proofread them for me - and they still missed obvious mistakes! You may have also noticed that the Universe is pulling receipts on quite a few people. This might have less to do with the Retrograde, and more to do with the bigger astro-event that happened yesterday. In case you haven't heard, Uranus moved into Taurus and we're about to head into some crazy times. If you thought the last few years were crazy, we ain't seen nothing yet. And I, for one, am so ready for it.
So, check it - Taurus is the sign most about stability and solidness. Stubborn-ness and the fear/inability to change are hallmarks of this sign. However, Uranus, the Great Awakener and bringer of change, is going to shake things up a bit. If you've been content with the status quo for the last few years, you're about to get real uncomfortable with it. Uranus is going to reveal the cracks in the foundation of a lot of things, and things that aren't built on a stable ground are going to crumble. Businesses, relationships, houses, institutions, ideas - whatever isn't strong is about change drastically. Uranus briefly entered Taurus beginning in May 2018 but went retrograde back into Aries at the end of August 2018. During that May-August timeframe, you probably got a taste of what Uranus in Taurus has in store for you. Perhaps you changed careers, met someone new, became interested in a new hobby, or launched a business - looking back at May 2018 may help you prepare for the changes that are ahead. Another thing that Taurus is going to bring about is a renewed preference for authenticity, honesty, and freedom. Being fake, lying, and staying in situations that make us feel trapped aren't going to work out so well for people from now until 2026 (from what I gather, that 8 years is when we're in the post-shadow of Uranus in Aries - Aries is about speed and power, so a lot of changes may happen really quick).
To better understand what Uranus in Taurus will bring for you, it's important to know what house Taurus falls in your chart and what house Uranus transits. For example, if Taurus rules the 7th House (House of Partnerships) in your chart, you may have a divorce (or a marriage) and faulty (or lucky) business dealings in your future. Possibly the same situation if you have Uranus transits your 7th House (which it does for me). In my chart, Taurus rules the 12th House (House of the Subconscious), which has to do with secrets, intuition, and the subconscious mind. It could be contributing to my renewed interest in the occult and arcane, which was kind of dormant for the past couple of years. It's always been there but I've been feeling more drawn to find like-minded folks in the past year. Moving on, the retrograde in Aries has been a time of preparation for the upcoming changes. The Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) have been planning and plotting out their chess pieces, as is their nature. The Mutable signs (Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces) have been just rolling with it, as they do with everything. But those poor, poor Fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius) are in for a rude awakening. These signs do not like change and unfortunately, Uranus is going to cause the most chaos for these signs. And the Universe likes to fuck with anything that resists it. This Mercury Retrograde in Pisces gives us a brief reprieve to reflect, review, and regroup. Pisces rules over dreams and the imagination and, if Uranus in Taurus is going to be changing everything anyway, it's important to get really clear with the Universe about what you want. Because it might be coming. No Dream is to big, or Impossible. You want to write a book (like I do), start writing that book. You want to break into your dream career, start making those moves. When change rolls in, it's important to know that the Universe has your Highest Good in mind. It's a time to have Faith. So just breathe into the chaos, my friends. It's gonna be okay.
No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne
No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne
Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know
No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne
One of these days a comin', I'm gonna to take that boy's crown
There's a serpent in these still waters, lying deep down
To that King I will bow, at least for now
One of these days a comin', I'm gonna to take that boy's crown
'Cause I am, I am
A Little Wicked
I am, yes, I am
Hands red, hands red
Just like you said
I am, A Little Wicked
That astrology rant was longer than I thought it was going to be. Astrology is like a good conspiracy theory - the more you read/research it, the more sense it makes. You can't un-see the things you've seen, man! Okay, seriously, I'm done and I'm slowly climbing my way out of the crazy pool now. Today's song was the ending song for Episode 10 of "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (CAOS)." It starts when Sabrina is breaking up with Harvey because she's made a decision (that she made to save him) that shows her that she needs to put him at a distance for his own good. After she chooses to commit herself to The Church of Night, she fully embraces her witch life and it's not safe to take her human friends down that dark path. I couldn't sleep on Saturday night, so I finally finished the whole series. OMG it's sooooo good! The cinematography, the story, the music, the acting - sure, Netflix fucked up "Hemlock Grove," but they made up for it with "Sabrina."
One of the common complaints about CAOS was that it was heavy-handed with the feminist overtones. Um, yeah...that was for a reason, dumbasses....Do y'all not get satire? The great thing about CAOS is that the main character is a female and the main villain is....also female. And all the female characters in between are diverse and unique characters, with their own motivations and goals. We in the theatre world call that good writing. Honestly, the satire was a lot heavier in terms of the religious aspects. The Church of Night is essentially a caricature of the Catholic Church, complete with outdated (and sometimes barbaric) rituals and corrupt leadership. When you understand all the nuances, CAOS becomes a simple coming of age story. Girl with the proverbial heart of gold, torn between two conflicting ideals, must find a way to make both of them work for her. Sometimes, she fucks up spectacularly and people get hurt. However, the thing I love about Sabrina is that she always makes choices from her heart. Being born on October 31st, that makes her a Scorpio, which means her main motivator is her feelings - unfortunately, it's also a fixed sign which means she often keeps trying to do the same thing expecting different results. This comes to a head in the final episode when, yet again, she tries to help Harvey using magic, which he has repeatedly told her that he doesn't want to be involved with. Their last interaction of the episode was literally him telling her, "Thank you, but don't ever fucking try to help me with magic again."
I've decided this song is my 2019 energy. (Just a warning - I'm probably going to say that multiple times this month). Not only is the sound kind of eerie (I think that's because it's in a minor key), but it's also about a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to wait as long as necessary for it to happen. The bitch singing this for sure is going to be queen someday - and woe betide anyone who gets in her way. It's funny - I was talking to my team about vengeance last week. My coworker said she could definitely see me taking revenge out on someone and my response was, "I'm a Cancer....my idea of revenge is watching and waiting until the person destroys themselves." Yeah, Cancers are up there on the list of signs who are good at holding a grudge. And, as far as Initiators go, we're probably the most patient with these things. But that also makes us the most persistent, so persistent, that eventually, we always get what we want. (More on this later, when we talk about a recent Ariana Grande song). Coincidentally, my favorite lyric in the song is this - Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know, No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne.
