"Sit Still, Look Pretty" by Daya

This song came up on my Spotify Discover playlist. It's super catchy - there's your warning. I've been thinking back on my life, trying to figure out where I got here, to this moment. On one hand, I'm fairly successful by societal standards, generally content with most things in my life; on the other, I'm kind of disappointed because I thought things would be different. I couldn't tell you exactly how it would be different, I just thought it would be. I guess I envy the point of view in this song, because I've been so muddled for so long. I didn't have a clear direction, things just sort of happened and I followed where they led. Last week, during my work meetings, the head facilitator brought up this great metaphor that I plan to use for absolutely everything now. He said we had to correct our Natural Point of Aim. Marksmen will set their sights on a target, then close their eyes and move their gun around. After a few seconds, with their eyes still closed, they have to aim at where they think the target is. Where the gun ends up is their Natural Point of Aim, which is self-explanatory. If you're very far off target, you have to keep doing the exercise until you're fully corrected. Until your Natural Point of Aim is the target. I believe I'm in the process of correcting my Natural Point of Aim. And, understandably, I'm annoyed at how far off target I am because I hold myself to such high standards. Standards, by the way, I don't hold anyone else to, which is part of my problem.

Tomorrow is a Full Moon in Libra. Libra is all about balance, wanting balance in all areas of your life. And I'm starting to realize how unbalanced my life is and now, balance is all I want. Because my natural inclination is to do too much, to put in to much, regardless of what I'm getting back. We can talk all day about why that is - I know I have serious psychological hangups and I'm working on it. Suffice it to say that, if I pull back even just the slightest bit, nothing gets done. I've been filling in the gap my whole life - and I don't know how to stop. I can't just let the chaos pile up around me. I know Marie Kondo would tell me that it's okay to let it happen, that you can rebuild something new with the rubble. Cleaning up the mess that ensues would be preferable to what I'm currently feeling, which is resentful and angry. And when I voice that anger, I'm the one who seems unreasonable. "You had no problem with things being this way before, what changed?" I got fed up. I'm exhausted and I'm not even trying to hide it anymore. I find myself yelling a lot more and I hate it. Yelling gives me anxiety, because I did so much of it when I was younger, because I had to defend myself and my sisters. And there's nothing I dislike more than the feeling of screaming and still not being heard.

Oh, I don't know what you've been told

But this gal right here's gonna rule the world

Yeah, that is where I'm gonna be because I wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty

You get off on your nine to five

Dream of picket fences and trophy wives

But no, I'm never gonna be 'cause I don't wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still look pretty

This is my current mood. I'm going to fucking fix this mess I've gotten myself in. I think a lot of problems emanate from not being crystal clear about what you want in life. That's how you get off track - you lose sight of who you want to be and what you want to accomplish. Daya is perfectly clear about what she wants in her life - she wants to rule the world, she doesn't want a typical suburban life with all the trappings of mediocrity. In manifestation (and tomorrow is also a Supermoon, so a great time for doing manifestation work), it's extremely powerful to just put into words what you want. Putting it out to the Universe voices your commitment to making it happen. I want to be a writer. I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to have my shit together, for once. Then comes the hard part. I mean, don't get me wrong - just being able to identify what it is you really want is hard enough. To be honest, it took me a couple decades. But the second part is harder, because you have to just trust that you'll get there.

There's this principle in Taoism called wu wei. It's the action of non-action, that when we're alignment, we don't have to do anything to make what we want happen. A simpler way to put this is "going with the flow." I've been trying to do that, but I struggle with patience. And non-action scares me a little. I have this intense feeling that, if I'm not doing something, nothing is going to happen. Trying to get into this paradoxical wu wei state of being has been a trial. How do you even get into "alignment"? Well, from all my research, all you have to do is live from your most authentic self, which is also very scary. It's scary to be honest with people about what you're thinking and what you're feeling. Being authentic means that you're basically the same person publicly as you are privately, something I've never been good at. But, in hindsight, I can also say that keeping those walls up has taken its toll. I'm doing my best to not try to force things, to make things happen.

This afternoon, while I was getting ready to go running, I got a nasty shock when I found a spider on my closet door. My first instinct was to smash it. However, since I've decided to commit to this whole "everything is sacred" thing, I figured it must be a sign from the Universe and it would be a bad idea to kill the poor thing. It was just a Daddy Long-Legs, after all. Not dangerous, just big and he surprised me, which isn't a good reason to kill anything. So I got a cup and released him on my front door step. Afterwards, I googled the spiritual meaning of spiders - they represent creativity and our ability to weave our own Fate. They also represent the need for patience, because you can't rush when you're constructing something of great meaning and beauty. Keeping that in mind, earlier today, lyrics from a particular song was stuck in my head and offered guidance on how to deal with where I am right now:

When I find myself in times of trouble,

Mother Mary comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be.

So, I'm trying to just let things be right now. I'm definitely not in control of this ride, so why worry so much? Keep seeking whatever you're searching for, because it's also seeking you. I know the above sounds like of a bunch of bullshit, but I think there's a lot of wisdom in songs, if you just take a moment to listen.

"Sit Still, Look Pretty" Video