Forgiveness is a never-ending journey. There are some people I have to forgive daily. And, if that doesn't work, every hour. It's hard to accept some things that can never be changed. Occasionally, you get the opportunity to forgive someone in person, but most of the time, you just have to do it for yourself. For example, I have to accept that I will never have a happy childhood. Aside for some short periods, it was lonely and painful and scary. And I can't change that. But I can be grateful for the people that made it a little easier, who took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I can be grateful for the teachers who made me feel smarter and more talented than I think I am. And I can be grateful for the person the hard times turned me into. I'm dedicated to being the mother I wished I had growing up. In many ways, I already was, even before I had my son. I genuinely love taking care of people and being someone they can turn to if they need help. I've learned a great deal of compassion and patience. My friends sometimes ask me why I didn't cut my mom out of my life. Believe me, I wanted to....but it's hard for me to give up on people. I have a tendency to give second, third, and fourth chances, even when I know I shouldn't. That's something I've had to learn to forgive myself for, thinking that forgiveness means letting people continue with their bad behavior. That's the other hard lesson about forgiveness - it doesn't mean that you don't hold people accountable for the things they've done. I'm certain Kesha has forgiven Dr. Luke, but she was right to take him to court.
You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"
I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'
Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive
It may come as a shock to nobody, but I actually pray quite a lot. Silently, before every meal (although I forget sometimes, because I'm hungry). Occasionally, in the morning and before I go to sleep. And especially when The Husband's driving (because his aggressive habits really terrify me, sometimes). I do pray for others, like my friends and family, especially if I know they're going through a hard time. I know some people don't think it's worth doing, because they don't think anyone is listening. And that may be true - I don't know and I don't claim to. But when there's literally nothing you can do, praying feels like at least you're doing something, even if it's only sending good thoughts into the ether. It calms me down when I'm nervous, as does talking through my thoughts. I'm sure I probably look and sound like a crazy person, but at this point in my life, I don't really care anymore. There are many ways to find inner peace - mine happens to be through words, both spoken (or sung) and written.
Lately, my son has been mimicking "Kung Fu Panda" and he'll sit in a little meditation pose or put his hands together like he's praying. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, because he always has this mischievous little smile, like he's having so much fun. And that's when I'm really grateful for the lessons in those movies. I don't want him to learn them the hard way if he doesn't have to. Coincidentally, I watched the last episode of "Mad Men" last night. I'd been putting it off for a long time - nearly two years - because I didn't want the series to end. But after watching it, I'm really glad I waited. If I had watched it two years ago, I probably would have found it weird and unsatisfying (like many other viewers did). However, having grown so much in the last couple years, I could appreciate where Don Draper finally ended up. After many mistakes and pushing everyone he loved away, he finally embarks on his own quest for inner peace. Better late than never.
Just a few notes on the song and its video - this song always kind of chokes me up when I hear it on the radio. The video is overly artsy and starts with a dialogue of Kesha, talking about how hard things are in life. It's Kesha, so of course everything is vividly colored, and there's a liberal amount of sparkles and glitter. Not gonna lie - after watching this video, I desperately wanted to go out and buy a used prie dieu (which means, "pray to god" in French and is basically a little bench you use to kneel and pray) that I could refurbish with colorful paint and rhinestones. I know - that's semi-sacrilegious but it's gonna happen one day. I've already decided on it.
"Praying" Video
No comments:
Post a Comment