If you look at the graffiti on the stairs (inside what clearly used to be a mall), it says "They're Burning All the Witches." This phrase seemed oddly out of place among the robots and ruins surrounding Taylor. In the video, there's a version of Taylor Swift that's trapped in a glass box (her metaphors aren't so subtle) but she can clearly do amazing things, like change shapes and make electricity come out of her fingertips. Another version of Taylor - wearing dark clothes, face hidden in the shadows of a hoodie - walks up to the box and when their hands meet across the glass, it's implied that the two merge, becoming an otherworldly being of immense power. The video is fucking trippy, almost as crazy as the "Bad Blood" video. Her music videos are works of art in their own right, deserving fo an entire post about the brilliant cinematography and my interpretations of the stories behind them. This is not that post.
Back to the witches and the burning...That phrase finally made sense when I listened to other songs on her latest album, "Reputation" (which is a masterpiece - even better than 1989 - and is currently on my "Vinyls I Need to Own" wish list). She repeats the phrase over and over during the bridge of "I Did Something Bad." This happens to be my favorite part of the song, so I'll take the opportunity to share the lyrics here:
They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one
They got their pitchforks and proof
Their receipts and reasons
They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one
So light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)
Light me up, go ahead and light me up (light me up)
Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)
Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)
If you've been following Taylor Swift as long as I have, you may remember that she used to be a lot more milquetoast. Typical white girl from the 'burbs, who happens to play guitar. And then life hit her and she had to grow some teeth. Everyone knows about the whole Kanye incident and, yes, that is a contributing factor. Surprisingly, though, I don't think that's the thing that really messed her up. Throughout her songs, there is this shadow of a man who clearly did a number on her. Lied, cheated, used her for her money - any number of things that can ruin your ability to trust in future relationships. I have my theories, as I've said, but I'll save those for another day. Suffice it to say that young Taylor had to learn to cope and her initial reaction was to adopt some of the same behaviors that others had used to cause damage to her psyche. Here we go - let's talk about Narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, because those are hard to identify when we're close to the situation but are the main predictors of future abuse. Taylor said it herself - I never trust a narcissist but they love me. Let's examine what that means in more depth.
During National Women's Month, we're often reminded about violence against women but we hardly ever talk about violence from women. However, the cycle of abuse can be endless, and it's common for the abused to become the abusers, especially if they aren't self-aware. I think that's an important thing to stress - antisocial behaviors are usually learned. I was thinking about narcissistic behavior this morning because I found myself thinking about my mom. I wish I didn't think about it so much but I do and it's something I'm still working through. It's part of the whole Tea with my Demons thing - I have one named Mommy Issues. She's a pale, skinny 8-year-old with long, impossibly straight black hair, who spends way too much time hiding in closets with her dog. She's the reason I don't like yelling and freeze up occasionally when people toss things around, even when it's not in a threatening way.
I have to confess something - I didn't realize my mom's behavior was abusive until I took a Psychology of Women course at university. I thought it was normal to be yelled at every day. I thought it was normal to feel isolated all the time because she wouldn't let friends come over. I thought it was normal to prefer being at school for 12 hours a day, rather than going home. I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells, terrified that any wrong move would set off her anger - only I never knew what the "wrong moves" were. I thought that it was being a good daughter to make sure her needs were met while sublimating my own. Then, when she apologized and was all loving, everything was okay again....until the next thing set her off. That's how narcissists get you. They want to keep you isolated and doubting yourself, because that's how they maintain control. If they start to lose control, they do one of two things: they get scary angry; or they pretend that they've changed until you feel comfortable again, and then they return to their old behaviors.
Narcissists are extremely skilled at getting you to trust them and make you feel dependent on them so that, by the time they start showing who they really are, you are unable to walk away....at least, not easily. Not without some pain, either legally, financially or - and this must be stressed - physically. Anything you tell them in confidence can be used as a weapon against you. And then they play mind games, like gaslighting, which is when they tell you one thing and when you bring it up, they say something else and then act like you're the idiot when you challenge them on it. You start to think you're going crazy or you just don't have a good memory. They act like you're a projection of them, so they criticize how you look or the way you dress. That's the thing that always hurt the most - it took me a long time to feel okay with trying clothes on because, no matter what I tried on, my mom said it didn't look good on me. Or that she'd be embarrassed if I wore certain clothes when we went out. I wore full makeup through most of high school because she said I wasn't pretty without it. I could go on but I don't want to get lost in this pity party, because the truth is, I've worked through a lot of those self-esteem and self-worth issues....
But I also got away. The best thing that happened to me was going to a university in another state. A lot of people aren't as lucky. Some people can't put a state between themselves and a narcissistic person. Some people didn't have a best friend in high school whose parents didn't mind if you crashed the night after a big fight at home. And some people didn't take a million psychology classes to recognize when someone is putting them through serious emotional and psychological abuse. I joke a lot that my Psychology degree is useless but I use it every day. I use it to check my own actions and behavior, because I don't want my son to have the childhood I had. He deserves better. I deserved better. And I want him to learn that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, so I have to demonstrate that every day, in all my interactions. I also talk about psychology with my coworker a lot. Despite not having a psych degree, she's pretty astute at reading people and she's caught on to a lot of people's neuroses just through interacting with different types of folks throughout her career. I like to think she appreciates the detached, academic side that I bring to the conversation. I hate to treat my mom as a case study but it helps, in a way - and now that she's gotten treatment, I've learned a lot of lessons on compassion and forgiveness. Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough. I know this wasn't the cheeriest of posts but I hope my experience helps someone out there. Resources: "How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse" and "11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse."
Side Note: For some reason, the audio seems weird on all the YouTube videos I looked at. I'm not sure if there's two different recordings but I prefer the album version (which is the one on Spotify, where I first heard it). This version isn't bad, but I feel like the breathy way she's singing doesn't do justice to her talent.
"I Did Something Bad" Video
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