"Sledgehammer" by Rihanna

This past weekend, I was so tired. And it wasn't normal tired. It was utter exhaustion compounded with distress that I know can slowly sink into depression. All I wanted to do was sleep, and that's what I did, because I could barely move. At some point on Saturday night, though, I woke up, still in my clothes. After registering that I should change into my pajamas and get ready for bed properly, I hesitated and briefly considered just going back to sleep. That's when that old familiar voice in my head spoke up. "This isn't you, you're better than this, you're stronger than this. So, girl, go wash your face." And that's what I did. I've been depressed before - this should be obvious. I've been honest here about my suicide attempts and my eating disorder. I've always gotten through it before. Now I know why - it was through sheer force of will. I got through because I'm me and that's the only constant in my life, the only real thing I can believe in. One of my most formative memories I have is when this evangelical group was trying to engage my dad in the mall. He told the guy, "Sorry, I don't believe in that." The guy asked, "Well, what do you believe in?" My dad's reply was "I believe in myself." At the time, I thought he was just blowing the guy off but, now that I really think about it - after all my searching - that's the foundation of everything I know to be true. 

I want to talk about one of my personal heroes today - my older sister, M. She's amazing because, her whole life, she has always been so authentically herself. If she changed in any way, she didn't justify it ever, because you shouldn't have to justify that you're growing as a person. From my perspective, M was never afraid to try for things, even if she failed. It's one of the reasons why she's extraordinary today - she didn't care if she failed, she just knew she wanted something and went after it. I say she's extraordinary because she is - she has a PhD in a very competitive field, she does CrossFit and weight-lifting tournaments, she's a great friend, and she's one of the most caring and compassionate people I know. Okay....so she kind of has terrible taste in music (Dave Matthews Band...blech), is a book/film snob, and it's no secret that she's basic. But she's cool with how she is - if she's basic, well, that's because she likes being basic. That's just how she is. I'm trying to learn how to be that secure with who I am - because I know I'm a little extra (and quite a bit to handle for some people). It's hard to do, especially since I've hidden fundamental parts of myself for so long. I've learned a lot more about M now that we're adults. More of the hard stuff she's been through, things I really didn't know as a kid. After all the shit she gave me in college about Psychology being a "soft science," she's the one who is always advocating therapy "even if you don't think you need it." But she's right. In many ways, I'm envious of her, because it's clear that she wasn't afraid to follow her intuition. Surprisingly, she found herself at the same crossroads as I did and, sometimes, I wonder if she made better decisions. Everything always makes sense in the rear view and, in those cases when I didn't listen to my inner voice, I'm going to have to rectify those mistakes somehow. 

I hit a wall, I thought that I would hurt myself

Oh I was sure, your words would leave me unconscious

And on the floor I'd be lying cold, lifeless

But I hit a wall, I hit 'em all, watch the fall

You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer

You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer

I had several random thoughts today. This morning, I was thinking how snazzy I'd dress if I were a man, because I feel like menswear is so classy but very few men know how (or have the inclination) to dress themselves, even with everything at their disposal. I also found myself thinking about the Cardinal signs in astrology. I like to associate the signs with their elements and, with Cardinal signs, I specifically am reminded of natural disasters to describe how they are when they're angry. Cardinal signs are the initiators of change, the catalysts to making things happen. Basically unstoppable, if their energy and focus is well-harnessed. Capricorns I associate with earthquakes, because the destruction is very controlled and measurable, which aligns with their calculating nature. Libras (like M) are like tornadoes, because they're very focused and the shape is usually very balanced. Aries are like wild fires, unpredictable but easy to get under control by skilled hands. Cancers, however, are like a tsunami, because it's rare to see them get to the point of being destructive but once they reach that point, expect total devastation. Nothing is left after a tsunami, because the ocean washes everything away. You're left with a clean slate. So yeah, that's what I think about during the brief breaks I get while at work.

"Sledgehammer" was the theme for "Star Trek Beyond." The message is pretty simple - the only way to get through hard times - like a break up (which I believe the song is about) - is straight through. With force. This isn't a difficult metaphor to crack. We always talk about "the wall" in running - obviously, "the wall" isn't a physical wall. It's actually more of a mental barrier, the point where your brain believes you can't go on. However, I recently learned about the Navy Seal 40% rule, which says that at the point your brain tells you that you can't do anymore, you 40% of your actual capability to do the task. If you can keep going past this point, you'll be able to continue and reach your full potential for the task. There's a theory that this is just a placebo effect - if you tell your brain you can do more, you'll naturally be able to do more. But if something works, it works - and I think most personal problems are a result of having a bad mindset anyway. If you think you can do more or if you think you're good at something, that naturally changes your perception of whatever you're trying to do. This is why affirmations can be helpful during recovery for various illnesses (both psychological and physical). Not only that, but a positive outlook is one of the strongest predictors of longevity, because it contributes to overall levels of happiness. So, basically, if you plan to be an Immortal, start working on being happier.

"Sledgehammer" Video