"Song of the Siren" by The Bridge City Sinners

Cancer, out of all the signs, is the most connected to the Divine Feminine. The traits ascribed to this astrological sign hearken to depictions of the archetype of the Mother Goddess - kind, nurturing, intuitive, protective, and sensual. The glyph for Cancer (♋︎) is supposed to represent the parts of the body this sign governs - the breasts and the stomach (or more accurately, the womb). Yes, there's a stereotype that Cancers have the best boobs (which I'm not going to argue against...because we do). And we often get pigeon-holed into the role of the "Mom-friend" (guilty as charged). It's the zodiac sign most closely linked to anahata, the Heart Chakra. However, you may see the Yin-Yang symbol as well, which is not surprising - as a Cardinal water sign, it brings together what modern society has convinced us are opposites. All Cardinal signs are leaders, but Cancer - being considered the most feminine of the group - is often underestimated and discounted as one. Where Libra leads with the mind, Cancer leads with the heart. While Capricorn defends physical security, Cancer defends emotional security. Where Aries charges forward with energy and force, Cancer leverages relationships to make subtle changes with effects that ripple outward. Cancer has gentle strength, relies on wisdom that often doesn't come from books, and prefers to rule with kindness.

The Cancerian archetype is considered one of the most protective signs - huge Mama Bear energy. In line with the Mother Goddess mythos, this protection is generally extended to other women and children. I know there's a lot going on right now, but there are several female-centered events going on as of late that you should be aware of. We're in the midst of a second #MeToo wave, this time going after illustrators, publishers, and music industry representatives who exploited young women trying to gain recognition in their respective industries. The Jeffrey Epstein saga keeps unfolding and, with the recent arrest of Maxwell Ghislane, we're starting to see just how far the rabbit hole goes and learn more about the power players who have known about it all along and turned a blind eye. This is the real "pizzagate" and its not even making a blip on most people's radars because of all the noise. There was/is a real child sex trafficking ring that caters to the rich and powerful. Additionally, Congress is trying to pass more anti-sex worker legislation, which is even more draconian than SESTA/FOSTA and has dire implications for everyone's digital usage (I plan to write more about this next week). And, if we're able to do anything good in 2020, we're going to fucking #FreeBritney. We need to tackle the damage involuntary conservatorship does and make some guidelines. I know - it's overwhelming the amount of craziness being thrown at us. But it's always been there, the only difference is our eyes are open now and we have to deal with these waves as they come, before we're swept away.

Follow my voice

And you'll be home again

This is the song of the siren

I woke up the other morning with a bunch of sentences running through my head, all beginning with "the Divine Feminine is." Remembering our hermetic concepts and acknowledging that the Divine Feminine is present in all things, it helps to define Her, just as we defined the Divine Masculine. It may seem like they are oppositional but, in reality, they work in tandem. If one is out of balance, the other runs amok. The Divine Feminine is open to receiving. She listens to her inner knowing and is in touch with how she feels, both emotionally and physically. She believes kindness and empathy are strengths and cultivates relationships, rather than power. The Divine Feminine is still and tranquil - she is able to embrace chaos on the way to inner peace. She spends her time on creation rather than destruction. She seeks to master herself, but never at the expense of others. She believes that collaboration produces better results than competition. She understands that you have to find joy while on the journey rather than assuming it's waiting for you at the destination. The Divine Feminine honors her body and holds compassion for herself, as well as others. She honors her emotions and expresses them honestly and with consideration for the emotions of others. Finally, the Divine Feminine defines who she is for herself and does not let others - not society, not family, not even the Divine Masculine - dictate her path. 

I've been reading this book called "The Way of Grace" by Miranda Macpherson. In it, she talks about the spiritual value of ego relaxation and how to embrace Grace, which is a hard concept to wrap your head around. Grace is a religious concept representing the unmerited mercy of Spirit, something which is increasingly rare in a world where retaliation and vengeance against those who have wronged us is considered most satisfying. For some, of course, and I made a choice long ago that I didn't want to be one of those people. The Husband was teasing me yesterday, because Macpherson uses a lot of spiritual references, especially from Christianity. I wouldn't consider myself a Christian but I do believe in Jesus' teachings. It was one of the things I had to reconcile after I left the Church and began my path as a witch. Essentially, it boils down to choosing not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The book - and the idea of Grace - has been comforting because I've felt like I've been in a constant state of confusion, like I can't trust my reality any more. As if I'm not seeing things or understanding things clearly, even though my mind is always going, always analyzing. Lately, I've been watching Dr. Ramani's videos on YouTube. She's a licensed psychologist who specializes in treating victims of narcissistic abuse. Her knowledge and dedication to educating people has inspired me to write down my own experiences, a lot of which are painful and left me very confused. I'm distanced enough from those situations that I can look upon it with Grace but that doesn't mean I fully understand what happened/is happening. It's an uncomfortable feeling and I'd like to help others navigate the discomfort, if I can. These things and the Ho'oponopono meditation have settled me somewhat. I've been staying in that energy of remaining still. It's hard to meditate when your mind is racing - ironically, that's usually when you need meditation the most.

I chose this song because sirens are my favorite mythological creature. As a rule, sirens are feminine and that is the source of their power. Femininity can be seductive but it can also be dangerous if left unchecked. It felt fitting because Cancer is a water sign and - this may surprise you - Cancers are often found at the top of "Most Dangerous Sign" lists. This is largely due to the negative aspects of the "unevolved" Cancerian archetype - moody, manipulative, irrational, unpredictable, and unexpectedly cold-hearted. The Sea is a cruel mistress, as it were. Not gonna lie - I'm all about Pirate-core music. As per Doth the Doth, "Pirates are just tropical goths."

"Song of the Siren" Video

"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"The Operative" by Lisa Kable

When I was younger, I used to play this game called "No One Lives Forever." It was a first person shooter set in the 1960s that followed the missions of a British spy named Cate Archer. 1960s? FPS? Spies? Main character is female? I was all about it when I was 11-years-old. My dad had me try it out when it came as a sample in PC Gamer (Remember when it was semi-safe to trust the samplers?) and I ended up begging him to buy me and my sister the full version. Well, the full version also came with the soundtrack as a bonus. Score! OMG - I loved that soundtrack and it was featured very heavily in my workout music throughout my teens. I also really loved that game and remember it fondly. "The Operative" is Cate Archer's theme song. It's my favorite song on the OST, for various reasons: 1) It sounds sexy, 2) it's one of the only songs on the OST that has lyrics (and I connect better to songs with words....), and 3) during a time when I was seriously considering "intelligence officer" as a future career choice, it idealized the romantic vision of spycraft that I ate up as a little girl. In reality, spycraft is incredibly tedious and expert research skills are essential. If you're lucky (and smart), there shouldn't be many instances where you're running for your life, gun in hand - if there are, those are mostly training scenarios. If you're interested, a few "spy" books I recommend reading are "See No Evil" by Robert Baer and "The Company" by Robert Littell.

For today, I wanted to talk about a couple of dames (one fictional, one historical) who, to me, epitomize this idea of being beautiful, brilliant, and perhaps a tad dangerous - in a good way.

Agent Margaret "Peggy" Carter

Hopefully by now, everyone is familiar with Agent Carter, who I've decided is not just my favorite Marvel character, but also who I would like to be when I grow up. As you can imagine, I was disappointed when they stopped the show after two seasons. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Agent Carter is Captain America's first love, but after it is assumed he's lost forever, she has to carry on with her life. So what does she do? She joins the Strategic Scientific Reserve (SSR) in New York and proceeds to own the place. Being the only female operative at the SSR (the other women who work there have a more secretarial role), she feels the need to prove herself. I think this is natural for some people. I know it is for me - if someone says I can't do something or tries to tell me who I am, I'll probably try to prove them wrong out of spite. That's the goal - never be what someone expects (I like to think I meet that goal most days). At the end of the first season, she saves the day with her cunning and determination, which results in her being seen as a valued member of the SSR. In the MCU, it's also implied that Agent Carter was a founding member of S.H.I.E.L.D. and was crucial to its success as an organization. I'd have to give props to Hayley Atwell's performance of this complex character, both in the movies and in the TV show. Yes, Agent Carter was beautiful but that was not at all where it stopped. The first vibe you got from Atwell's Peggy was that this woman was a) Really fucking smart, and b) the classiest broad you will ever meet. Classy has nothing to do with being feminine or high maintenance, it has everything to do with treating yourself and others with respect. Agent Carter was there to do a job so she didn't hold back and she expected others to at least match her intensity, and continually push her to do better. And that is why she is one of my fictional role models.

Hayley Atwell as "Agent Carter"

Hedy Lamarr

Lamarr was described as "the most beautiful woman in the world" at one point in her career and that has to be the understatement of the century. You look at old publicity stills of Hedy Lamarr and it's almost hard to believe she was that gorgeous. And it's almost unfair that she was also graced with a brilliant mind. She was a natural inventor and, throughout her life, she spent much of her time on various hobbies, which included "tinkering" with everyday objects. Even though she enjoyed being an actress, she quickly became bored - especially since the roles she was given didn't exactly have depth. This feeling of disconnectedness only increased with the start of World War II. Not content with simply being a "morale booster" for the war effort, she wanted to contribute something of tangible value. She co-invented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology, which is the underlying tech that allows Bluetooth and Wi-Fi to work. Lamarr and composer George Antheil patented the technology in 1942. It was provided to the Navy for use in guided torpedoes but, at least during the war, a working device was never created. The patent was uncovered for commercial use later and eventually evolved into the wireless technologies we know today. However, Lamarr wasn't acknowledged for her role in its creation until 1997, when she received the Electronic Frontier Foundation Pioneer award. The rest of Lamarr's life is kind of tragic. She stopped making movies in 1958 and, even before then, most of her films were box office flops. As her looks declined with age, she became more reclusive, until she basically had no contact with the outside world. Even so, she is still one of the most beautiful women to ever grace the silver screen. And her invention allows me to compose this blog from the comfort of a wi-fi enabled laptop. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

Hedy Lamarr

That concludes our month on the Divine Feminine. Hopefully, you learned a little bit - I know I did. I'll be taking a short break tomorrow, will announce April's theme on Monday, and then I'll be resuming regular posts next week. Thanks for reading!

"The Operative" Video

"Queen" by Loren Gray

I discovered through my son's playlist on YouTube. His taste wavers between alternative, heavy metal, folk indie, and dance pop on any given day - so, basically, at the ripe old age of 3, he has better taste in music than 90% of the human population. It kind of hurts that my toddler is already cooler than I will ever be. I can tell he's going to be one of the "cool" kids, so I think my assumption that I was going to be shelling out tons of cash for black eyeliner and dark trench coats was premature. Also, just judging by his music list, he has a thing for blondes. I don't know where he got that from - definitely not from me.

Back to the song, Loren Gray is saying she can handle herself and she needs a man who not only recognizes that, but appreciates it. It's been a common thing in popular culture lately for women to refer to themselves as a "queen." But how many really understand what it's like to be a queen? How many have thoroughly studied statecraft and are ready to make executive decisions based on little to no information, as provided by a group of carefully selected advisers? I would reckon very few. I think, though, that the intention is to say that they're queens of their own respective domains. When I think of a queen, I think of someone who is looking to do what's best for everyone involved (not just what she wants). She's intelligent and can think for herself, but doesn't expect others to agree automatically and appreciates having a diversity of opinions to guide her. And, most of all, a queen shows grace under pressure - falling apart just because things went sideways is just not in her repertoire. Queens don't have the luxury of doing that, because everyone is counting on her to lead by example. Yes, that's a lot to live up to, but kingdoms (even small ones) rise and fall with their rulers, so it's important to uphold one's ideals, even when that's difficult.

There's really not much to say on this song. It's fun and it's a good song to use doing a warm-up. Instead, I've selected a few historical queens that I admire. Unfortunately, my favorite historical figure, Marie Antoinette, is not one of them. As much as I love her, she was kind of a shitty queen. Not her fault - royalty in Europe, and especially in France, had been declining for years. It was only a matter of time before the people rose up. Marie Antoinette was not groomed for being a leader - her mother, Empress Maria Theresa of Austria, used her and her sisters as political pawns to gain influence, but did not actually teach them statecraft despite being a successful ruler herself. I will argue to the death, though, that it was unnecessary to behead her and that the Jacobins were a bloodthirsty group of zealots - she was a victim of her time, pauvre Marie Antoinette.

Catherine de' Medici

Catherine de'Medici is a woman after my own heart. She was an Italian woman born into a wealthy banking family (with all the benefits, physical and intellectual, that this position bestowed) who married King Henry II of France. She wasn't exactly beautiful, but she was smart and knew how to wield influence like a beast. Catherine ruled France as regent when her first son took the thrown at the age of 10 and after he died, she was instrumental when her third son, Henry III, became king. She served as a political adviser and he still followed her guidance even after her death. She was a big patron of the arts, which was lucky because this was during the heart of the Renaissance period. Catherine de'Medici was also very interested in the occult and during her reign, the study of astrology and use of tarot cards gained popularity. She was also a patron of Nostradamus and she kept a personal necromancer/master of the dark arts, Cosimo Ruggeri, with her at court. I imagine he was like Constantine, except more Italian. Catherine de'Medici is still considered one of the most powerful women to have ruled France.

Catherine de'Medici

Boudica 

For those who have played Civilization V, Boudica is the ruler who represents Celts. She is my personal favorite to play, because she gets a significant religious bonus during gameplay (and, for some reason, I enjoy watching whatever religion I create spread across the whole map). As fun as she is to play, however, it must be said that the actual Boudica was a legit badass. She was queen of a Celtic tribe who led an uprising against Roman forces, who were in the business of conquering Britain at the time. She failed, of course, but she is celebrated fondly as a British folk hero. Historical records describe her as a fierce warrior and leader. She saw the mistreatment of her people, the Iceni, by the Romans and acted accordingly. Boudica rallied her armies and did her best to beat back the encroaching threat of the Roman forces. At first, it seemed like she would be triumphant - prior to the final battle, she gave a rousing speech, saying that the gods were on their side because her cause was just. I think it's important to note that she was facing impossible odds - the Romans were going to conquer Britain regardless of whatever uprisings occurred. But her courage, determination, and devotion to her people's well-being are still admirable.

Boudica

Speaking of queens, I'm going to take this opportunity to share one of my favorite comic book illustrators, as she just recently re-opened her online store. Her name is Jen Bartel and you can check out her illustrations at her website (https://www.jenbartel.com/). She has done cover work for all the bigs (Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, etc.) and she's the co-creator of "Blackbird," which I haven't read yet because I missed subscribing when they published the first issue, but I'm hoping they'll compile all the issues into a single volume when the series is complete. Today was payday and I probably spent to much, but I'm trying to show my support for other small-time artists and writers by spending money on their work. What a concept!

"Queen" Video

"Killer Queen" by Queen

"Killer Queen" is my go-to hype song, when I need to get pumped up for doing something. I used to make my dad play it whenever he dropped me off for an audition or performance in high school. Sometimes, I'll hear it on the radio when I'm driving to work (which is a lot more often than you'd think) and it immediately sets the tone for the day. Obviously, this is one of those songs that I like to pretend was written about me. Yes, I'm aware that it's about a high-class call girl. Irrelevant! Let's look at the facts:

• Am I well-versed in etiquette? Yes, yes I am. Very polite and well-mannered, indeed. When my sister became the etiquette person for her sorority, who did she ask for book recommendations on the subject? That's right....me.
• Am I extraordinarily nice? Almost to a fault. 
• In conversations, do I speak just like a baroness? Well, that's always the goal.
• Did my perfume come from Paris? Naturally! (This actually is a factual statement....when I'm not wearing my perfumes from Italy or Spain. Not bragging, I just have expensive taste in perfume and I'm willing to pay for it. I'm the only person I know who wore Chanel Mademoiselle all through high school. It's a character flaw, if you really think about it...)
• Am I fastidious and precise? Yes. Another thing I can't help. It's pathological.

Drop of a hat she's as willing as

Playful as a pussy cat

Then momentarily out of action

Temporarily out of gas

To absolutely drive you wild, wild

She's all out to get you

She's a Killer Queen

Gunpowder, gelatin

Dynamite with a laser beam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

Enough about me, on to the real subject of this post, which is - as if you couldn't guess - courtesans. For some reason, I've always had a fascination with courtesans and, as such, I've read a lot about them. Historically, as civilization became more developed, women's role in society became more and more restricted. However, there have been certain select women throughout history who, through their own cunning, have been able to escape the confines of this predetermined life by writing their own rules. Yes, some will point out that they got to where they were through what can loosely be called prostitution. While that may be true, I'd also point out that they have somehow become immortal, when millions of other women have perished in the dust of oblivion. Thus proving one of my favorite Internet quotes: Well-behaved women rarely (if ever) make history. Today, I'm going to discuss three of my favorite historical courtesans and the lessons their lives teach us.

Veronica Franco

Veronica Franco was an Italian courtesan who parlayed her influence in society into becoming a Renaissance poet. Franco was rare in that she is one of the few courtesans who were born into the life a courtesan. Her mother was also a famed courtesan and she taught Veronica the arts and skills required to be successful. Successful, during the Renaissance, still meant married to a wealthy man. Although she did get married young, the marriage did not work out and she had to return to life as a courtesan to support herself and her children. Her success in her profession was largely attributed to her well-educated background and enthusiasm for intellectual discussions. As a notable courtesan in Venice, she published two volumes of poetry and was a patron of other writers of the era. With her wealth, she established a charity for other courtesans and their children. Eventually, she got caught up in the Inquisition (as prostitutes - especially courtesans - were a common target for acquisitions of witchcraft), but she was luckily acquitted of the charges. Lesson #1: What we do to make a living does not define who we are. 

Portrait of Veronica Franco

Josephine "Josie" Marcus

Josie Marcus is most famously remembered as Wyatt Earp's common-law wife. However, before she met him in Arizona, she had a whole adventure of a young life. She was the daughter of a Jewish baker but eventually ran away from home in her mid-teens. She worked hard to keep this part of her life private, so the best accounts out there show that she may have joined a theatrical company and traveled throughout the western United States. Eventually, she ended up in Prescott, where she more than likely worked as a prostitute for some time (in between performances, maybe?). At some point, she met the sheriff of Cochise County, who convinced her to move to Tombstone by promising the still quite young Josie marriage. He went back on that promise (of course) but she stayed in Tombstone anyway. As the story goes, she met Wyatt Earp and they fell in love. Never mind that he was living with another woman at the time. However tumultuous their relationship was, though, Marcus and Earp stayed together for 47 years, having adventures until he died. Lesson #2: Sometimes, the adventure is worth the risk.

Possible Image of Josephine Marcus

Kiki de Montparnasse

Alice Prin - or Kiki de Montparnasses as she became known - was a celebrated artist's model in 1920s Paris. She sat for many of the great painters of the day but she is most notably linked to Man Ray, who was her lover for most of the 20s and painted hundreds of portraits of her. Kiki was the epitome of the liberated woman for the Jazz Age. She was audacious, intelligent, fun-loving, and talented in her own right. She painted dozens of pictures herself and starred in several films. Kiki was also affectionately remembered as a music hall singer - a common occupation for courtesans of this time period - and eventually, she was also able to purchase a cabaret of her own. We know much of Kiki's life due to her own self-published memoirs, which - unlike Josephine Marcus - she tried to keep as honest and true-to-life as she could. Unfortunately, Kiki de Montparnasse died relatively young - at age 51 - but she was still well-loved at the time and her funeral was attended by many friends and fans. She also inspired one of my favorite lingerie boutiques, Kiki de Montparnasse - favorite in that - one day, when I can afford it - I am going to buy stuff from there because I love the aesthetic. Lesson #3: Being a muse for others is absolutely a viable career choice, but it's much more fulfilling to be your own muse.

Kiki de Montparnasse

And there you have it. The abbreviated life stories of three women who you may not have known much about but who indelibly shaped their own little corner of the Universe. One more note - while listening to this song on Spotify, I learned that 5SOS did a cover of "Killer Queen." It's not bad but I prefer the original, which is true for most covers.

"Killer Queen" Video

"Sledgehammer" by Rihanna

This past weekend, I was so tired. And it wasn't normal tired. It was utter exhaustion compounded with distress that I know can slowly sink into depression. All I wanted to do was sleep, and that's what I did, because I could barely move. At some point on Saturday night, though, I woke up, still in my clothes. After registering that I should change into my pajamas and get ready for bed properly, I hesitated and briefly considered just going back to sleep. That's when that old familiar voice in my head spoke up. "This isn't you, you're better than this, you're stronger than this. So, girl, go wash your face." And that's what I did. I've been depressed before - this should be obvious. I've been honest here about my suicide attempts and my eating disorder. I've always gotten through it before. Now I know why - it was through sheer force of will. I got through because I'm me and that's the only constant in my life, the only real thing I can believe in. One of my most formative memories I have is when this evangelical group was trying to engage my dad in the mall. He told the guy, "Sorry, I don't believe in that." The guy asked, "Well, what do you believe in?" My dad's reply was "I believe in myself." At the time, I thought he was just blowing the guy off but, now that I really think about it - after all my searching - that's the foundation of everything I know to be true. 

I want to talk about one of my personal heroes today - my older sister, M. She's amazing because, her whole life, she has always been so authentically herself. If she changed in any way, she didn't justify it ever, because you shouldn't have to justify that you're growing as a person. From my perspective, M was never afraid to try for things, even if she failed. It's one of the reasons why she's extraordinary today - she didn't care if she failed, she just knew she wanted something and went after it. I say she's extraordinary because she is - she has a PhD in a very competitive field, she does CrossFit and weight-lifting tournaments, she's a great friend, and she's one of the most caring and compassionate people I know. Okay....so she kind of has terrible taste in music (Dave Matthews Band...blech), is a book/film snob, and it's no secret that she's basic. But she's cool with how she is - if she's basic, well, that's because she likes being basic. That's just how she is. I'm trying to learn how to be that secure with who I am - because I know I'm a little extra (and quite a bit to handle for some people). It's hard to do, especially since I've hidden fundamental parts of myself for so long. I've learned a lot more about M now that we're adults. More of the hard stuff she's been through, things I really didn't know as a kid. After all the shit she gave me in college about Psychology being a "soft science," she's the one who is always advocating therapy "even if you don't think you need it." But she's right. In many ways, I'm envious of her, because it's clear that she wasn't afraid to follow her intuition. Surprisingly, she found herself at the same crossroads as I did and, sometimes, I wonder if she made better decisions. Everything always makes sense in the rear view and, in those cases when I didn't listen to my inner voice, I'm going to have to rectify those mistakes somehow. 

I hit a wall, I thought that I would hurt myself

Oh I was sure, your words would leave me unconscious

And on the floor I'd be lying cold, lifeless

But I hit a wall, I hit 'em all, watch the fall

You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer

You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer

I had several random thoughts today. This morning, I was thinking how snazzy I'd dress if I were a man, because I feel like menswear is so classy but very few men know how (or have the inclination) to dress themselves, even with everything at their disposal. I also found myself thinking about the Cardinal signs in astrology. I like to associate the signs with their elements and, with Cardinal signs, I specifically am reminded of natural disasters to describe how they are when they're angry. Cardinal signs are the initiators of change, the catalysts to making things happen. Basically unstoppable, if their energy and focus is well-harnessed. Capricorns I associate with earthquakes, because the destruction is very controlled and measurable, which aligns with their calculating nature. Libras (like M) are like tornadoes, because they're very focused and the shape is usually very balanced. Aries are like wild fires, unpredictable but easy to get under control by skilled hands. Cancers, however, are like a tsunami, because it's rare to see them get to the point of being destructive but once they reach that point, expect total devastation. Nothing is left after a tsunami, because the ocean washes everything away. You're left with a clean slate. So yeah, that's what I think about during the brief breaks I get while at work.

"Sledgehammer" was the theme for "Star Trek Beyond." The message is pretty simple - the only way to get through hard times - like a break up (which I believe the song is about) - is straight through. With force. This isn't a difficult metaphor to crack. We always talk about "the wall" in running - obviously, "the wall" isn't a physical wall. It's actually more of a mental barrier, the point where your brain believes you can't go on. However, I recently learned about the Navy Seal 40% rule, which says that at the point your brain tells you that you can't do anymore, you 40% of your actual capability to do the task. If you can keep going past this point, you'll be able to continue and reach your full potential for the task. There's a theory that this is just a placebo effect - if you tell your brain you can do more, you'll naturally be able to do more. But if something works, it works - and I think most personal problems are a result of having a bad mindset anyway. If you think you can do more or if you think you're good at something, that naturally changes your perception of whatever you're trying to do. This is why affirmations can be helpful during recovery for various illnesses (both psychological and physical). Not only that, but a positive outlook is one of the strongest predictors of longevity, because it contributes to overall levels of happiness. So, basically, if you plan to be an Immortal, start working on being happier.

"Sledgehammer" Video

"Starfire" by Caitlyn Smith

In the tarot deck, for a long time, I associated myself with the Queen of Cups - generous, compassionate, nurturing, kind, emotional (sometimes too emotional). But now that I'm starting to identify a little more with the other Queens, I've been thinking lately about which Major Arcana card I resonate with. According to the instructions in the Thoth Tarot book (which is simply adding up your birthday), my card would be #2, The High Priestess. And yes, that fits me in many ways. But do I resonate with it? Yes, but only a little. No, the card I've been drawn to lately is The Star. A symbol of hope and faith, both of which I seem to have in droves these days, regardless of the chaos that is engulfing my life. It also represents a push to follow inner guidance, another thing I've been trying to do lately.

I want to take this opportunity to talk about a few of my favorite fictional female characters who embody traits that I value - Courage, Leadership, Hope, Perseverance, Kindness, Grit, and - most of all - the ability to embrace change and grow through hardship. Y'all know I love Harry Potter, but I will not be talking about Hermione today - I have rants for days about Hermione and I'm sure I'll get to her in due time. But today, the characters I want to focus on have endured the absolute definition of hardship and have become so much stronger as a result. They realized at some point that the only way to get through the shit that they've been through was to trust themselves and their own inner knowing that they can endure.

But you won't burn out this starfire

This feeling is dancin' in my flames

Throw me and I'll just burn brighter

Oh, you can't burn out this starfire

No matter what you say

Julia is my favorite character on "The Magicians." I feel like she gets so much undeserved hate because people view her as the cause of all the crazy shit that happened to the core group from Brakebills University. What those people don't realize is that she's the catalyst - nothing can happen without her. Full disclaimer - I have not watched Season 3 yet and I don't have cable, so I have no idea where the show is now, so my perceptions are based on the first two season. However, according to Eliza, the only way that the characters could survive the beast was to reject Julia from Brakebills. It's not that she's not talented with magic. Quite the contrary - in previous timelines, Julia is shown to be a veritable magical prodigy, way better than anyone in the core group, which is why she had to be rejected. Because she was the only one who would be able to find her way back to the magic, the only one who would seek it out even after her memory was erased. And, when the Old Gods turn off the magic spigot, she's the only one who can make magic happen at the end of Season 2. Having not seen more recent seasons, I posit that it's because she's discovered something that is fundamental to magic - magic is not an end or a means. Magic just exists and it's a part of you, if you know it's there. Julia is the only character with enough hope and faith to go searching - again, after all the bad shit that has happened to her on her journey - when everyone just accepts that things just are the way they are. Lesson 1 - Complacency with the status quo is the enemy of excellence.

Stella Maeve as Julia Wicker

Let's move onto Captain Sara Lance, the White Canary, from "Legends of Tomorrow." Black Canary is my favorite DC hero but I love that the CW introduced Sara Lance as the original Canary, before Laurel took up the mantel on "Arrow." Sara started out as the wild child, the black sheep who could never measure up to her older sister (a role I am very familiar with). Her journey starts with one of her shenanigans - going on a yacht trip to hook up with her older sister's boyfriend, just because she could. She ended up getting much more than she bargained for - after surviving the ship wreck, she ends up stranded on the island with Oliver, fighting against criminals. Then, somehow, she ends up at Nanda Parbat, where she is given the name of Ta-er al-Sahfer (roughly translated as canary in Arabic) and is trained as a member of the League of Assassins. Throughout both the "Arrow" and "Legends of Tomorrow," her story gets crazier and more tragic, to include being raised from the dead, having to allow her sister to stay dead in order to preserve the timeline, and making tough choices in order to save the lives of her team on the Wave Rider. However, when time came to appoint a new Captain for the Wave Rider, Rip Hunter doesn't hesitate to leave Sara in command. Even though she is younger than most of her team mates, the wisdom she has gained from her experience and her dedication to the mission makes her the obvious choice. As one of the few bisexual characters on TV, it should also be noted that her sexuality isn't a main plot point. If anything, they kind of underplay it and her current romance with Time Bureau Director Ava Sharpe is probably one of the sweetest and most normal relationships I've seen on TV in a long time. Lesson #2 - Your checkered past can always be an asset, as long as you walked away having learned from your mistakes.

Caity Lotz as Captain Sara Lance

Finally, let's talk about Vanessa Ives from "Penny Dreadful." My favorite thing about Vanessa Ives is that - in an ensemble that consists of mostly men - not only does she hold her own, she holds a place of respect from all the other characters and commands fierce loyalty, even though she has not asked it of them. On the contrary, she understands that the mission she's asking them to undertake is extremely dangerous and can accept if they can't stomach the darkness they'll be facing. And while often she is portrayed as a bit cold at first, there are many moments throughout the series where she's displays genuine kindness for everyone she meets. She's the only person who meets John Clare (Frankenstein's Monster) and does not pull away in fear. In fact, she befriends him and treats him with respect, as everyone should do upon meeting another soul. When she dies at the end (spoiler alert - I have not finished the series myself but peeked ahead), it is a blow to everyone, because she means so much to them - as their friend, as their leader, and as someone who helped them find their purpose. And she did this while being possessed by a demon and sought by Dracula to become the Mother of Darkness. Lesson #3 - No matter how dark things get, you can transform it into light by reaching within yourself to be kind to others. Taking the time to understand another's story allows you to put things into perspective.

Eva Green as Vanessa Ives

I won't ever be perfection, ever be your golden child

I'm not spinnin' on this planet just for me to make you smile

I love my crooked halo, hell, I won't apologize

You can touch it all you want, but no matter how hard you try

Last week, I was thinking of going back to my old bad habits and doing the same thing I always do when things get hard to handle - limp back to the safety of a familiar situation, accepting that things are just the way they are. The Universe had other plans. It literally made it physically impossible to get back to my old tricks. For my job, I was sent to a literal sanctuary in the middle of flyover country and the message was simple - you need time to focus on yourself and forget about the world a little bit. On top of that, I'm going to put you in a situation where you shine your brightest - where you can be Business Jess, which is just Regular Jess with fewer cuss words and inappropriate stories. Although I'm not in the most exciting of places, I am going to have plenty of time to do things that make me feel great. A lot of solitude to devote to journaling, meditation, working out, a lot of reading, a lot more sleep, and - as if that wasn't enough - the weather is surprisingly nice here, contrary to what I was expecting. And I'm getting some time to have adventures with one of my work bros, one of the few people I know who is as intense about music as I am (he knows a lot more about rap music than I ever will).

Yesterday, I found myself at the same gate I was waiting at about a year ago, in May 2018. But the girl sitting by the window last year is very different from who I am now. Still the same, fundamentally, but about a dozen layers of fear and doubt stripped away. And yet again, this week, I find myself one of the few women in a room full of "important people" (the only WOC, at that) and I feel quite strongly that I - due to my experience, intelligence, and "street cred" - very much belong there. And, at the moment, only one true sentence comes to mind...

This ain't even my final form.

"Starfire" Video

March Theme: "The Divine Feminine"

Happy March y'all! Spring is finally around the corner, the clouds are starting to lift, and - at least here in Central Texas - everything is starting to look a beautiful shade of green. In honor of Women's History Month, I've selected a bunch of songs that honor and explore the many aspects of the divine feminine. Before I go on - yes, I am well aware that "Divine Feminine" was a project by the late Mac Miller to honor his goddess (i.e., Ariana Grande). Though I haven't listened to the album yet (and I realize I need to), there will be some Ariana Grande involvement this month, because I adore Ari (and Cancer bitches need to stick together). There will also be plenty of Debbie (Harry), Billie, Stevie, Amy, and Alanis, just to name a few. I'll also be trying to interweave some stories of my favorite femmes throughout history, both real and fictional. And yes, the use of the word "femmes" was intentional - my feminism includes transwomen, so if you have have a problem with that, you're on the wrong blog. I'm going to try to get even more diverse this month, both in genres and artists, as well as integrate some musical history throughout. This month in music already started a bang with Solange Knowles (*cough*another Cancer*cough) dropping her latest album, "When I Get Home," at midnight on March 1st. If we can set that level of power and confidence as the bar, this should be a pretty good month writing-wise. Kicking it all off tomorrow with my favorite Blondie song, so stay tuned....