Spotify has this feature where it will take all the songs you listen to most often (within the last couple months or so, depending on how long you've been using Spotify) and put them into a personalized playlist named "On Repeat." Over the next few posts, I've decided to share a few songs that have recently landed on my "On Repeat" playlist. Some of them are new discoveries, some of them are forgotten gems, and probably too many of them are mid-90s to early-00s classics. Also, I'm very aware that this blog has been heavy on female-fronted music lately and this will add a lot more vocal/genre diversity.
"Barely Breathing" was released in 1996. It's about a guy who is starting to realize his girlfriend's emotional outbursts are manipulative. Her excessive emotionality is not actually the love he's wanting from her. She's using her tears - or more specifically, his empathy - to get what she wants out of him without actually reciprocating his feelings or meeting his needs in the relationship. Obviously, he cares for her but he's catching on that it's not as mutual as she says it is. In the lyrics to "Barely Breathing," it sounds like he's decided to walk away. And maybe he's done this in the past and he's gone back to her after she offered an empty apology, a lot of tears and excuses, and maybe even some sex. But this time, he knows she's not going to change and, if he gives in, he's just going to be in this same situation again. And when you're having the same conversations over and over again with someone, guess what? You're stuck in a pattern. And, at some level, they know you'll settle for whatever they're willing to give because you're more invested than they are. A second chance is okay. You might even be able to justify a third chance. But anything more than that is self-betrayal.
I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears
You really had me goin'
Wishin' on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion
You were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye
I follow Dr. Nicole LePera and watch a lot of her videos. She says that compromising on our needs and settling for a situation that makes us unhappy is self-betrayal. What Sheik's girlfriend is probably doing is called "breadcrumbing" and it's a common behavior in toxic relationships. Essentially, she's doing just enough so he won't leave, but she has no interest in doing any more than that. And that's fine but they probably shouldn't be in a relationship if she's not at least willing to try to meet his minimum needs and vice versa. People get stuck in these relationship patterns out of subconscious fears. In the past, Sheik probably accepted how she treated him because he had a misguided belief that what he wanted in a relationship was "too much" and was afraid asking her to meet his needs would result in her leaving him. With the right person/people, you won't be afraid of asking for what you want and they won't make you feel like you're asking for too much. If you ask them to change their behavior, they will. And not just for a couple of weeks or months - they'll make a conscious effort to meet your needs and respect your boundaries for the long term. And that's what reciprocity and mutual affection looks like.
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
And worth the price, the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm one of those people for whom emotional pleas are super effective. I can't stand it when I see someone crying, I feel compelled to try and help. Or at least listen. My upbringing has resulted in me being hypersensitive to emotional cues and, in some cases, I'm even over reactive to them. My default assumption when someone close isn't talking to me is that they're angry with me (a remnant of liberal neglect, withholding affection, and the silent treatment). However, on the plus side, it has turned me into a human lie detector. Maybe it's made me a bit cynical but I think tears that come out during conflict are manipulative. Some people have learned to use them as weapons (and, not to be sexist but in my experience, most of them are women). And the tears always come out when you're trying to hold them accountable for their bad behavior and poor treatment of you. Sheik brings this up in the lyrics - "I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears" - he knows there's nothing real behind them. Purely mechanical. They are always accompanied by a lot of excuses, but no real apologies or acceptance of responsibility. They play the victim - "Oh, I was feeling some sort of way so I took it out on you." You assume they feel bad because they're crying but they just feel bad because you're not letting them get away with things. The tears are a distraction to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. But actions speak louder than words and the best apology is changed behavior. What they do after you talk to them matters more than any tearful promises they make in the moment.
But Duncan Sheik is human and he has a heart. He knows he probably shouldn't go into this situation again, especially now that he can see the pattern. But he cares about this person - maybe even loves her - so he's "thinking it over anyway." He shouldn't. Based on the rest of the lyrics, he knows what he should do. Sticking around when someone is hurting you isn't love - it's codependency. He's the one who is "barely breathing," which shows that - in these situations - walking away hurts you more than it hurts them, no matter how emotional they seem to be. And that's ultimately what this song is about.
::WARNING:: There are spoilers to the end of "Community" in this post. And a lot of spoilers to other parts of the show, for explanatory purposes. I know the show ended in like 2012 but I'm sure there are plenty of people - like myself - who weren't able to finish the show until it popped up on Netflix at the beginning of quarantine. If you don't like spoilers, I recommend not reading any more. ::END::
It's been a month and I've finally fully emotionally processed the end of "Community." Yes, the Annie and Jeff story line was resolved. No, it's not the happy ending you'd expect, but it's the happy ending that seems the most realistic. It was satisfying, in a way, because the ultimate question was answered and that is - were the writer's just playing with our emotions? Was this just a fun side story for them to poke at once in a while for jokes? No, my friends, it wasn't and they weren't. It was real. And, much like life, we just have to accept that it's closure even though it doesn't fully feel like it.
The infuriating thing about Annie and Jeff's relationship is the attraction is made obvious about mid-way through Season 1. This happens in many shows and it's a common trope that often precludes the demise of a show - i.e., if the two characters get together, you kill the sexual tension that keeps the audience watching. Rarely is there a story-relevant purpose for keeping the characters apart other than this. However, as we've discussed, "Community" is all about Jeff's psychological evolution from being a self-centered loner who fears intimacy to being a (somewhat) healthy individual with a network of close friends. His choice not to pursue Annie is, ironically, the most unselfish thing he does on the show. From the beginning, Jeff's penchant of hitting on women with no consideration of the consequences is apparent. But after their kiss in the Season 1 finale, he puts Annie in a box labeled "Do Not Touch" and it's not always clear why. Yes, the age thing is an issue but it gets considerably less cringy as the show goes on. And, as we get to know Jeff, we realize that age wouldn't have been an issue for him if he didn't have genuine feelings for Annie. And we know it's not the friend thing, because he has no problem having sex with Britta and then going back to their same dynamic the rest of the time. In fact, their ability to just end their sexual relationship without either of them having lingering feelings demonstrates how little emotional connection they have. Meanwhile, a kiss with Annie - a supposedly meaningless kiss to win a debate competition - throws his inner world into chaos for the next 5 seasons (although he's good at hiding it). Ironically, his attempts to not accept and deal with his feelings is what makes the situation even harder for him, whereas Annie's ability to accept how she feels and surrender her attachment to the outcome - a common subplot for her in several episodes - is what allows her to move on.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
"Gravity" is featured in one of the final episodes of Season 2, when Britta and Jeff's friends-with-benefits situation is revealed to the rest of the group. To understand this, let's revisit the final episodes of Season 1 - during the chaos of a heated paintball battle, Jeff and Britta have sex. Then, during the final dance of the school year, Britta announces that she loves Jeff in front of everyone, which leads the teacher who recently dumped him to also declare her love for him. This leaves Jeff in a pretty awkward situation - caught between two women who supposedly "love" him asking for him to make a choice in front of the entire school. Jeff walks out and runs into Annie, who has decided she is not going to move away with her boyfriend after all, because she doesn't want to leave her life and friends at Greendale behind yet. This results in Jeff and Annie sharing a passionate kiss - and that's how the season finale ends. When they both return to school the next year, he tells her it didn't mean anything. Fast forward to the end of Season 2, after learning about Jeff and Britta, she asks, "What about us?" Jeff is understandably confused, which leads to a montage of tender moments between the two of them set to "Gravity." The connection is palpable but Jeff says you can do the same thing with any two characters (Abed and Pierce is the example). Since "Community" uses TV tropes to tell stories, the show does another montage - and it sort of works but is mostly ridiculous, which underscores the level of denial Jeff is in. This denial continues throughout the next few seasons and we almost believe it most of the time. In fact, Annie is the one who comes off a little bit childish and delusional at times. After some growing up and uncomfortable situations, Annie comes to the conclusion maybe she was just imagining that Jeff had romantic feelings for her and gradually begins to move on with her life.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
This triggers a minor mental breakdown for Jeff. In one episode towards the end of the series, he ends up in the hospital after drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his 40th birthday. To be honest the last few seasons are a lot more serious and thought-provoking, with less of the ridiculous antics that "Community" was initially known for. This was a natural evolution of character development on a show whose initial premise - a group of random strangers forming a study group at a community college - became less realistic as the characters grew older. Some had a somewhat logical path to staying in that environment - Jeff starts teaching pre-law basics after he graduates. Others had a less compelling reason to stay, triggering Jeff's fear of abandonment, even though it made sense for the others to take different paths. The final episode addresses this directly. Abed, whose schtick is breaking the fourth wall and acting as if they were in a TV show ("so meta"), explains that it was inevitable the show would fall apart. The cast takes turns imagining what the next "season" would be like, assuming they all stayed. Jeff starts to panic as Abed's wisdom takes hold and reality sets in. He runs to their favorite study room and he imagines the future he actually wants - and to his surprise, it's domestic bliss with Annie. Fantasy Annie asks him if that's what he really wants and he says "yes" but then he realizes he's not sure if it's what Annie wants. In the final scene, Annie walks in on Jeff and they talk about what they want - and what they want, though vague, makes sense. Annie wants to be a grown up and Jeff wishes he had a second chance to be young. What's clear in this scene is they both still have strong feelings for each other but Jeff accepts that - even if Annie still wanted a life with Jeff - she deserves a chance to explore other possible futures. To do that, she needs to follow through with her internship at the FBI. They share one final passionate kiss before they are joined by the rest of the ensemble.
And that, my friends, is how Jeff Winger grew a heart. The lesson here is harsh. There is such a thing as true love - but sometimes the timing isn't right. And sometimes, indulging in the fantasy of "happily ever after" isn't the best thing for the two characters involved. And I must say I agree with Dan Harmon's (the show creator) assessment of how the final episode dealt with Annie and Jeff: "I'm comfortable with the realization that he's genuinely in love with her, but that's a separate thing from whether that's actually good for her." The age gap gets more palatable by the end of the series but that doesn't distract from the fact that these two characters are in completely different parts of their lives, a fact underscored by their last conversation alone. Ultimately, Annie goes on with her life but what happens next is open-ended. Since we haven't gotten the #andamovie yet, anything is possible. Maybe Annie and Jeff do end up together when she returns from her internship. Or maybe they both move on to healthy partnerships while maintaining their friendship. We might never know, but at least the ending we've been given allows both characters a path to happiness.
Set me free, leave me be I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity Here I am, and I stand So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be But you're on to me and all over me
Side tangent: While I always thought I was more of an Annie, it's become increasingly clear I also have a heavy dose of Abed in my personality, too. It's not even an equal split - I'd say, if I'm really being honest with myself, I'm about 59% Abed, 41% Annie. Lately, I'll reply the affirmative to people with the following - "Cool. Cool, cool, cool." - and I'm honestly not sure if I did that before I started watching "Community" or if that's something I picked up from the show. The fact that no one has noticed makes me think I definitely spoke like that before. One of my team member's wives thought I was blonde before meeting me - seriously, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh - I thought you were blonde, based on what [her husband] told me about you." Which makes me wonder - what the hell did he tell her about me? Probably that I'm a spaz and that my four-dollar words are peppered between "like" and "totally." I talk like Cher Horowitz in "Clueless" and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Also, I may have been caught one-too-many times demonstrating the "Party All the Time" dance. Once. I've been caught once....at work....and it wasn't one of my finest moments.
Anyway, on "Community," I would say Abed is probably my favorite character. He's autistic and he filters his world through the lens of a filmmaker and he relates a lot of the situations to things he's seen in TV shows and movies in order to make sense of his world. And, although I'm not autistic, I deeply understand and appreciate the value of that perspective, because it's one I share with Abed. It's one of the reasons I love hearing about other people's experiences and I believe you can learn a lot about a person through the films, shows, books, and music they choose to consume - and more importantly, the "why" behind their choices. And although movies, TV shows, and novels are fiction, they are loosely based on real human experiences. Maybe someone hasn't had the exact same experience as portrayed in a story, but it's close enough that they can find meaning and learn something about their own lives and behaviors as a result. Or, at least, this is the goal of good storytelling and - through extension - good acting. I have always believed that acting is the Art of Being Human and, in order to be a great actor, you have to be a highly empathetic person. I think the same thing is true of being a great writer. Both actors and writers have to imagine what it's like to be other people, even if those other people are completely different from them. And if you're able to imagine how other people are thinking and feeling, you're able to show compassion on a deeper level - both for others and yourself. This is also why diverse representation is important in media - seeing how others backgrounds influence their behavior gives the reader/viewer an opportunity to emphathize and understand another's perspective. It is through processing his life through his understanding of pop culture that Abed is able to grow as an individual and develop intimate connections that might've been otherwise hindered due to being non-neurotypical. It's important to know he doesn't always get it right but in those instances where he gets it wrong, he has a support network of compassionate people who are willing to guide him in the right direction. Not everyone has that and we know that makes a world of difference when people are navigating their life.
I know this has been a long post but apparently, I'm just throwing up on a blank screen now. It may surprise you to know this isn't even a fraction of the things I've been pondering lately - but I'm saving those thoughts for my next project. This song is thoughtful and, though simple and muted, evokes a pensive response. Which is why I imagine it was chosen for this episode of "Community." To me, it really embodies the 8 of Swords energy - she feels trapped but it's entirely within her power to escape the situation....if she wanted to. Just another fun idea I had - mapping the Tarot to a playlist of songs. Even typing it sounds like fire. BTW I find "Gravity" to be an excellent karaoke song - we have the same range and similar vocal quality and style, so I can usually sing Sara Bareilles songs fairly decent. She has what we would call a "straight" singing voice, which means she doesn't have a natural vibrato when she sings. It works well for most Big Band and Broadway musical styles. A vibrato singing style tends to be more common in opera and R&B. Most pop singers don't really develop a vibrato but for those that do, it gives a unique quality to their music. I'm just rambling now so, please, enjoy the video below for "Gravity."
International Whores' Day was on June 2nd - I meant to write something then but I've had a lot on my mind and it was also around the time everything started blowing up in the United States. Now that things have died down a bit, I'm using my small platform to elevate awareness and promote advocacy for a cause I believe in. My stance is sex work is work and, unlike a lot of feminist theory, I do not think every sex worker is a victim who needs to be rescued or that sex work is inherently degrading. That position is paternalistic and causes more harm than good. I believe true feminism is allowing everyone the right to make their own choices. For those people who did not choose sex work willingly, absolutely we should help them get out and punish sex traffickers. However, for those who do choose to perform sex work, our aim should be in making it as safe as possible for them to do their job, which includes making legislation that affirms their right to bodily autonomy, financial and legal sovereignty, and - most of all - dignity and respect in public forums. And, yes, this issue affects men, too, albeit to a lesser extent and in a different context. Ladies, the Chippendale's dancers you enjoy so much, the models in Playgirl, and your favorite pornstar - those men are sex workers and sex worker advocacy supports them, too.
Call me (call me) on the line
Call me, call me any, anytime
Call me (call me) I'll arrive
You can call me any day or night
Call me
That's the thing the current legislation doesn't take into account - it treats sex work and the community as a monolith, with no room for diversity and a somewhat puritanical view of what "sex work" is and who engages in it. For example, if you conjure an image of a sex worker in your mind, most people probably aren't picturing an upper-middle-class college-educated 40-year-old woman who has an independent business as an escort or a student/cosplayer who sells nudes on SnapChat or the burlesque performer whose show you saw on your last trip to Vegas - but the sex work community includes all those people. Likewise, your internalized image of someone who purchases sex work services is probably pretty narrow - you may have a picture of awkward, desperate virgins or slimy politicians abusing their power and access. However, it should be noted that a lot of sex work clients may have disabilities that make it difficult to find a willing partner. And for those who have trauma or fear around sexual experiences, sex workers can be a vital resource if those people choose to go to a sex therapist (to be clear, the therapist is not a sex worker but may work with trusted sex workers if clients want to attempt practical application of partnered therapeutic techniques, without the requirement of a long-term romantic partner). BTW if the sex work client you're picturing is someone who calls themselves an "incel" (i.e., involuntary celibate), you are way off on who purchases sex work services. Incels have a medieval view of women and believe women owe them sex - which makes sex workers lower than dirt in their book (because how dare women charge them for something they should be getting for free!) To sum up this portion of my rant, sex workers fulfill an important economic purpose and, in order to make the market safe for both sex workers and their clients, we need to widen our view of sex work's place in society.
Cover me with kisses, baby
Cover me with love
Roll me in designer sheets
I'll never get enough
Emotions come, I don't know why
Cover up love's alibi
I mentioned a lot of crazy stuff was starting in the beginning of June, most of which have had major impacts on the sex work community. It was recently confirmed that a serial killer was active in the Seattle, WA, area. Sex workers are a common target for serial killers due to their marginalized status - they assume that, because of their profession, the disappearance of these men and women is less likely to be noticed and receive media attention. Unfortunately, their gamble is often correct - sex workers who become victims of serial killers aren't usually discovered as a victim until either their body is found or the police start linking the circumstances of a higher-profile victim to other disappearances in the area. Sex workers - especially those who identify as POC and transgendered - are at more risk for random violence and theft. Crimes they often either don't report, because they're more likely to be picked up on criminal charges, or are unlikely to be resolved if they are reported. The pandemic has been harder on sex workers due to social distancing restrictions and the draconian measures in SESTA-FOSTA make it difficult for them to shift from in-person transactions to online ones. And let's not avoid the elephant in the room - the Jeffery Epstein case gets more disturbing every time more information comes out. And the most disturbing thing about this case is the number of wealthy, powerful people who may have known about his sex trafficking and did absolutely nothing for decades. The elite pools of Washington D.C. and New York City are very shallow and he had connections with practically everyone. A podcast I was listening to brought up philosopher Hannah Arendt's theory on the banality of evil and it definitely applies here. The theory goes that most people aren't actually evil; however, evil persists because either people are unaware of their complicity or they are aware and they don't care because it doesn't directly affect them. As we move forward into the so-called Age of Aquarius, this theory is going to become more prescient in people's minds. Especially as we're approaching an election season where voters are being asked to choose (yet again) the lesser of two evils - and how people come to the conclusion of which is the lesser is also problematic.
Oooh, he speaks the languages of love
Oooh, amore, chiamami, chiamami
Oooh, appelle-moi mon cherie, appelle-moi
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any way
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any day, any way
Given that the fuel for evil is ignorance and apathy, I believe sunlight is the best antidote. Decriminalization allows space for sex workers to be more open about the issues they face. Less stigma and secrecy also increases the safety of transactions for them and their clients, while simultaneously making it harder for sex trafficking operations to persist under the radar. There's an argument to be made that, without the threat of being arrested, trafficking victims will more readily come forward to get the help they need and identify those involved. I chose "Call Me" for today's song because it is very obviously about prostitution. It was featured as the theme for the movie "American Gigalo" (a "gigalo" is a somewhat old-fashioned name for a male prostitute) and it also inspired the title for a Heidi Fleiss biopic that came out on TV when I was younger. Some contemporary United States history for you - Heidi Fleiss was a madam who ran a high-class prostitution ring in Los Angeles, CA. She was caught in 1993 and convicted for tax evasion. Her client list was rumored to have a numerous wealthy, well-connected people on it and there was a pervasive fear in elite circles that she'd release her "little black book." The same fear - mind you - that has people keeping quiet about what they knew about Jeffery Epstein's operation. However, the women who worked for Heidi Fleiss were of legal age and were willingly recruited. It's been interesting to see the how differently the two cases are being treated, both in the media and by society at large.
I know - super heavy ponderings for a Friday night, so I'll leave you with a fun astrological fact - Debbie Harry, lead singer of "Blondie," is a Cancer. She recently celebrated her 75th birthday this past July 1st.
COVID-19 Update: Still a little stir crazy. Combined with everything that's been on my mind, I've been a bit mentally exhausted (which is worse than physical exhaustion, in my opinion). I've been taking walks early in the morning, before the sun comes up, for exercise and an opportunity to get some alone time. My neighborhood basically has no streetlights but, on the plus side, the reduced light pollution means I was actually able to see a few shooting stars this week. We're in the middle of the Leonid meteor shower that occurs every Leo season. I also walked away from my doctor's appointment yesterday a lot more comfortable and secure regarding my birth options. I was nervous about this conversation, because my doctor is friendly but I wouldn't characterize her as a warm person. But then again, I'm sure I come off that way most of the time, too. Anyway, she seemed very supportive, knowledgeable, and comfortable with whatever my ultimate decision would be and we're both on the same page - hope for the best, do what you can to make the desired outcome possible, but prepare for the less desirable option, just in case. Jupiter in Capricorn, baby - following well-designed plans equal success and good fortune.
This is a somewhat overdramatic look at how far my anxiety can go if left unchecked. At my last prenatal appointment, I asked for information about doing a Trial of Labor after Cesarean (TOLAC). They gave me a list of the risks, complications, and statistics for attempting a TOLAC vs electing to have a repeat C-section. I didn't have a full on panic attack but for a minute, I did think I was going to faint so I had to get up and move while take deep breaths. Considering I was waiting to get my blood drawn for the glucose test, it would've been embarrassing for the phlebotomist to find me passed out on the floor. Once I got out of the building and regained my composure (the smell of fresh Indian food helps), the internal analysis began.
Why such a dramatic reaction to a fairly standard explanation of the risks, most of which I already knew about from my own research? I think, in that moment, the decision and the potential consequences of my decision became real. It wasn't just a list of facts, it was the possible outcomes of my future - it was what could happen to me and my baby if things go wrong, how it might affect my ability to have another child (because I'm not 100% sure that I'm done with having kids after this one), and what happens to my family if the worst of the worst-case-scenarios happens. This shouldn't have to be said but pregnancy isn't all sunshine and rainbows. The United States has one of the worst maternal mortality rates in the developed world, especially among women of color, a fact evidenced by the increase of articles on the subject in recent years (one of the main reasons stepping away from Twitter has been really helpful for me these past couple weeks - with the influx of COVID cases, articles about women dying during or shortly after childbirth have become more frequent).
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
To be clear, I've had time to consider both options. Both have their benefits and risks and one is not inherently more dangerous than the other based on the research. And since this pregnancy is considered low-risk (I had gestational diabetes with my first born), I'm probably a good candidate for attempting a TOLAC, depending on what my doctor can tell me about my first C-section. But then I have these other worries going on in the background - like the fact that scheduling a repeat C-section can guarantee my parents will be in town to take care of my son and I won't risk having to give birth alone. This has been one of my greatest concerns during this whole COVID business and it has felt like I've had to deal with everything on my own this time because of the restrictions. With my first, my husband went with me to almost every appointment up until the third trimester, when they became too frequent for him to reasonably take time off from work. This time, he wasn't even able to go to the 20-week ultrasound, which is the one thing most husbands go to. Which brings up another concern - on one hand, I want the option that gets me out of the hospital quickest to avoid potential COVID infection for me and my newborn. On the other hand, I don't want to be put in a situation that may require emergency surgery, when hospital staffing is already stressed.
And there are the additional factors to take into account. It's 2020, which I wouldn't say is anybody's lucky year. It certainly hasn't been mine. Even if I go with what I think is the "safer choice," I still might die, despite the low probability. And the astrology around my due date is the shittiest we'll see all year. I'm due the day Mercury goes retrograde, Venus will be in Virgo (where it's in its Fall), Mars will be retrograde, Saturn is in Capricorn conjunct Pluto and Jupiter, and in a loose square to Mars. All the astrological thugs are in the mix (and Jupiter serves as the Great Instigator). And both Saturn and Mars will be in their domiciles, where their effects are strongest, so a square is like a cage-fight where no one wins. When he's born, this poor kid will probably have most chaotic birth chart I've ever seen. Maybe it's silly to consider the astrology but the more I learn about it, the more things make sense. The only bright spot and hopeful sign I've gotten is that when I asked the tarot what the outcome would be, I got the Queen of Wands, which I interpreted as I'm capable of manifesting a successful outcome, even in the worst of conditions, if I set my mind to it. This has always been my philosophy and it helped to remind me that, even if I'm not the luckiest person, I'm also far from being the unluckiest person. In fact, I've always felt the Universe was on my side most of the time and the time's when I felt it wasn't, things worked out in the end. However, there's still an internal struggle I'm working through to combat my fears.
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life,
Well I've had just enough time
I've made my peace with Death but that doesn't mean I'm ready to go or that I want to. I've got a lot of things I have to finish, the most important of which is raising my son(s). My oldest is the best thing in my life. I fall in love with him every morning, even when he's being stubborn or bossy or moody (which is at least half my fault, especially the bossy part). He's always doing something unexpectedly smart or sweet. For example, he has a little vTech phone my dad got him for his birthday and he has a recording app on it. I recently realized that, when he's not recording himself doing funny voices or screaming, his favorite thing to record is my voice. He's recorded dozens of files of me laughing or talking. And the other day, I was singing while cooking dinner and he ran to get his phone so he could make recordings of me singing showtunes and early 90s ballads. It was sweet but, afterwards, it made me sad because I started thinking, "What happens if I die and these become his only memories of me?" I know it's morbid and I'm trying not to ruminate on it so much, but I've been really scared and in a dark place since the beginning of this pregnancy.
On the plus side, I looked through my benefits and realized I do have a small amount of life insurance, so my husband won't be completely fucked if I die. He'll be able to manage long enough to sell the house and get on his feet, especially with my parents added help. Again, morbid but comforting. One less thing I have to worry about. After doing my own research - reading a couple books and scientific articles as well as watching/reading other women's stories - and talking to my husband about our options, I'm feeling a lot more confident now about my plan (and backup plan). It helps I got some added encouragement from my dad and older sister saying I'll make the best the best choice for my family. I've always had a strong internal locus of control and I'm not very easy to sway once I've decide on something, usually, although new information will give me pause for consideration. I'm not unreasonable and when a decision does have high risk and affects anyone other than myself, that's when inner fears start to creep in. It's very easy to get lost in self-doubt when you don't have a supportive group of friends and family. Or worse, if you have friends and family who actively cause you to doubt yourself and your choices (in which case, you should probably be questioning their place in your life). But, ultimately, I'm the one who has to decide, so I have about 10 weeks to get my fears in order.
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
I chose this song because I think it's sweet. I love the singer's voice - she sounds so young but the lyrics are so wise. "If I Die Young" is about living while you're alive, because that's all you get. The best gift you can give another is your presence, which has been another benefit of deleting Instagram and Twitter - I've spent a lot more time paying attention to my son and my husband. And myself. One thing this song does remind me of, though, is the movie trope of The Dying Girl. She lives in the same realm as The Beautiful Sad Girl and the Manic-Pixie-Dream Girl. When she shows up, her purpose is to give the flawed male protagonist perspective on life, so that he appreciates it more and her death serves to help him reach self-actualization. Yes, it's bullshit but it's a real writing cliche that's grown popular in recent years. My favorite example is "A Walk to Remember" - for a moment, we get to believe Mandy Moore is going to live and marry the man she's changed for the better. But, no, her leukemia comes out of remission and she only lives for a short time after she gets married. And while I know it happens - people marry their dying lovers all the time and it's treated as this beautiful, romantic occasion - it takes a level of strength I don't think most people have. To go into a romance, knowing it's doomed, and when it's over, you'll be left with all this pain, trauma, and a broken heart but not much else other than a few happy memories. Not even the hope you'll be together again in this life because this life ended for them. And that's where I'll stop, because this post was already too depressing when I chose this song.
