I'm shoehorning in one last song for February. I missed a lot of my favorite songs for this theme, mostly because of so many last minute changes, but February will be around again. Everything goes in cycles. I feel like I had to include this one last song, though, because it's Pisces season and the Universe likes to talk through music during this time. At least, for me, it has been lately. I couldn't sleep last Saturday and, as I am wont to do when I'm alone with my thoughts, I found myself asking for a sign. I decided to open YouTube to watch a couple videos - a good episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved usually does the trick when I can't sleep. I was scrolling through my recommendations and the first music video that popped up was a song by In This Moment I had never heard before. It's from their latest album, "Ritual," which I'm liking more and more as I listen to the songs that are on it. But this one was something else.
We were on fire
A frequency of me and you
We were on fire
One flame bursting into two
We were on fire
We watched the whole world burn away
We were on fire
I was you and baby you were me
You crawled into these flames with me
I love this song and it's been stuck in my head for days. It's kind of haunting, in that way. It moves between sultry and quiet, to immensely powerful. One of my favorite phrases is "trial by fire" or "baptism by fire." These terms both refer to a fiery trial of faith which endures suffering and purifies the faithful who look upon God's glory and are transformed, not consumed. You go through immense hardship - literally walk through Hell - but come out the other side better than you were before. Because fire cleanses everything. It incinerates anything that shouldn't be there, any weakness, and only leaves what is pure and beautiful. It only leaves the Light. After wildfires, the weaker plants are disintegrated into nutrients and the stronger trees are left healthier in the years afterward. The Phoenix bursts into flames and then rises from the ashes, just as - if not more - glorious than before. Even Jesus had to endure Hell before resurrection. And, as Marie Kondo (who I just learned is a former Shinto priestess, which makes me love her even more) has been trying to teach America, you have to listen to your heart and understand what sparks joy. This means you have to accept a little chaos before things get better. Which is scary. Incredibly scary. Because even a spark has the potential to incinerate everything.
As you might've guessed, I'm in full-on "Jesus take the wheel" mode currently. I'll get through it, somehow, though. I always do.
I had another song picked out for today but I wasn't feeling it. Instead, I've decided to share my favorite Depeche Mode song! That seems like kind of a bizarre sentence - what normal person has a favorite Depeche Mode song? Can you even name another Depeche Mode song? Didn't think so. Anyway, I feel like I've been posting too much contemporary pop lately, so I thought some 80s New Wave would be a nice change. And I haven't heard it in a very long time and I was thinking about it yesterday. I swear, I do have a plan for this blog. It's just I have this bad tendency to....change my mind at the last minute. Some people would call it being spontaneous, others would just call it annoying. I know The Husband isn't very fond of this "switching boats mid-stream" business. He says it makes it difficult to buy me things, but I'm generally so easy-going, I'm just happy he actually thought enough to consider buying something for me. Oh well. I think being flexible and adaptive a very important personality trait. Makes it somewhat easier to deal with the chaos.
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
It's not a very long song, lyrically, so - fuck it - I posted all the lyrics. Like always, I think the beauty of the song is in its simplicity and honesty. Isn't that all we're looking for? Someone who just understands.
Anyway, I don't have much to say today. I'm not feeling that great - sore throat, just generally low energy and empty. I will mention how I found this song, though. It was when YouTube was still young and the most common thing you'd find on the website is video compilations of movie clips and various songs. In fact, that was the only way you could find songs back then. You didn't have artists dropping their new videos straight onto the platform back in the day. True to form, I was searching for "Moulin Rouge" clips, which is how I found "Somebody." Someone had put together a montage of Satine and Christian with Depeche Mode as the backdrop. Unfortunately, that video is no longer on YouTube. Out of nostalgia, I tried to find it but to no avail. It lives on only in my memory now. Instead, please enjoy the delightfully kitschy original music video from the 80s.
I hadn't heard this song since - literally - it came out (which was in 2000....I looked it up). But, for some reason, YouTube thought I should listen to it. It's been doing that a lot lately - coming up with songs that I should listen to, because they'll cheer me up or do some hard thinking. As such, I've had to do some rearranging for these last couple of days. I'm kind of exhausted, so this will be a fairly short post. Mostly because the most interesting thought I've had in the last 10 minutes was, "How do you make chai tea? I could totally make my own chai tea." You can imagine my chagrin when I looked at the ingredients list on the tea bag canister and the only things it listed were white tea and something called "cinnamon spice." What the fuck is cinnamon spice?! Obviously, cinnamon is involved, but I'm pretty sure legit chai tea has fancier ingredients - like nutmeg and star anise. Just another thing I'll have to google in my free time.
I wanted something cheerful for today, just because. I seem to be out of my feelings again and have reached some sort of equilibrium. I've been working on being present, which this song embodies. The verses are basically the guy in this equation talking about his current thoughts about the girl he's "crazy" for. Most of the song is in present tense - she rolls the windows down, she talks, she's got me thinking about her. Everything is about "right now." Which is how it usually is when we're in love with someone. What's he thinking right now? What's she doing right now? This presence has a tendency to make it seem like time slows down, so it feels like you get to be with the other person longer than seems real. It can also make it seem like time speeds up when you're engrossed in what you're doing, and it feels like you've spent hardly any time with the object of your affection. And that's how relativity works. You lose track of time because you're not really paying attention to it. And, contrariwise, time slows down because you're too aware of it. I find remembering this principle while I'm meditating or doing something tedious can be helpful. When you "forget" time - by focusing on something you want to be focused on, and not on the minutes ticking by - it doesn't seem like you're waiting. Like you're stuck in suspended animation, just wanting to move forward.
She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now
I don't know the total situation behind this song but just based on the lyrics - "but she don't know how I feel" - it sounds like the guy has a crush on his friend. But that's just the chorus, which confuses the second verse. Obviously, if she doesn't know how he feels, it's unlikely she was actually holding him. So, I'm thinking he's talking about some philosophical night that the sky fell down, eons ago, when they were together at the beginning of time. Don't get me wrong - some girls like that stuff. Mostly water signs. But, as a good friend once put it, "I like your enthusiasm, but y'all ain't even chartered yet." She was talking about establishing an organization at our university, but the logic still applies. First step - tell her you like her. See if she feels the same. And then start planning your hypothetical future together. Because otherwise, you stay in the friend zone and then she ends up with a Chad and you'll be writing mopey songs like The Moffatts. Simple fact. Do with it what you wish.
A few months ago, I was thinking, "You know what song I really like? "Far Away" by Nickelback." Because those are the sort of things I think about when I'm driving home from work. Naturally, as soon as I remembered the song existed, it got stuck in my head. Luckily, a couple minutes later, you'll never guess what song came on the radio....yep, "Far Away." Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences. My favorite Italian word is "la coincidenza," which means "the connection." I love that. There's no coincidence, only connections.
'Cause with you, I'd withstand all of Hell to hold your hand. This line calls to mind the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice. This story and its hard lessons has been on my mind lately. Orpheus was the son of Apollo and the Muse of Music, Calliope. He was a magnificent museum and when he played his lyre, all of Creation was entranced. Orpheus fell in love with a woman called Eurydice and they married. But one day, while dancing in the forest, she was bitten by a snake and died instantly. As Orpheus sang in grief, the world grieved with him - creatures, humans, and gods alike. He decides that he is going to venture to the Underworld and beg its queen, Persephone, to resurrect his True Love. To get there, he charms Cerberus to calmness and pays Charon, the ferryman, in songs. At first, Hades will not grant Orpheus's request - no one escapes his domain. But Orpheus plays and sings of Eurydice's beauty and even Hades is moved. Persephone convinces her husband to allow Orpheus to leave with his beloved wife. Hades agrees, but on the condition that Orpheus not look upon her until they are out of the Underworld. Persephone tells Orpheus that Eurydice that will walk behind him and he must not turnaround, no matter what he hears or doesn't hear. At first, it seems easy enough. But as he gets closer and closer to the edge of the Underworld, doubt and fear takes hold of his heart. With the threshold of the human world a few feet before him, Orpheus looks behind him to ensure that he has not been made a fool by the gods. The last he sees of his beautiful Eurydice is her shade being whisked back to the Underworld. He lost his faith when everything he wanted was within his grasp. The lesson in this - trust that the gods have your back and stay on the path as directed.
I love this story and I love the opera and, as it just so happens, Gluck wrote an opera telling the tragic tale of Orpheus and his dearly departed bride, Eurydice. It has always been a dream of mine that - if I made enough money - I would have season opera passes. Unfortunately, although I've reached an income level where that is actually feasible, it hasn't happened. I begged my parents to go see Orfeo ed Eurydice when it was being performed in Tucson, which they did....after I had moved to Texas. And - just my luck - when I first moved to San Antonio, this city didn't have an opera. Come on, man! Even El Paso had an established opera company when I lived there. Eventually, SA did establish one - in 2015, around the time I got pregnant. Oh well - I guess it wasn't meant to be, at least until I find a good babysitter. I'm not even sure The Husband will indulge me - I dragged him to the ballet once and he didn't get the point. But, at least he went with me the one time. Will it ever happen again? Doubtful. Luckily, I don't mind going alone. You can afford better seats when you're only buying one ticket.
This time, this place, misused, mistakes
Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
Went on a bit of a tangent but I'm back now. I like this song because it's so vulnerable. Clearly, the guy fucked up somehow (or made a choice that put some distance between them) and now, the one he loves isn't there. He's asking for a second chance, hoping for a second chance, because if he knew what he knew now, he wouldn't make the same choices. Unfortunately, we don't know the outcome. All we hear is the apology part. Does he/she accept? Is he even singing this to anyone or is this just written down in a book somewhere, because he pushed the other person so far away that he can't even apologize properly? Again, more hard lessons - you never know how important someone is to you until they're gone forever.
The video is a tearjerker. A firefighter leaves the comfort of his bed and his wife to fight a wildfire. She watches the news, concerned whether or not he's okay. He's out there, doing his job valiantly. Then we see him save his friend when he's overcome by smoke inhalation and the helicopter leaves him. Oh no! But it was just tricky editing - the director cut out the part where the helicopter comes back so we're in suspense. He's there at the end to greet his wife and they share a passionate kiss. Which what you should do when your husband comes home from work, in my humble opinion, even if he's not a firefighter.
I discovered this song while watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," a British show that I enjoyed watching once upon a time. I thought it had been cancelled after two seasons but, during my research for this post, I learned it actually survived for four. I think the issue was that America stopped importing it to Showtime and that's why I only saw the first two seasons. I found the show fascinating, mostly because it was largely based on a true story about a grad student who became a call girl to pay for her tuition. I read the book, too - the show is more inspired by the events than based on what happened but I liked learning about Belle de Jour's adventures nonetheless. And - in case you're wondering - yes, I am the type of person who hears a few notes during a shower scene starring Billie Piper and the first thing I think of is, "I've got to find that song...." I find the best songs when I'm just watching a show or walking through a restaurant. Next to Spotify, Shazam is the most used music app on my phone and you'll be surprised to know it rarely fails me.
As I was saying, I do try to do a little research before writing this blog, which I can understand may be hard to believe. I especially like to look up the song meanings, to make sure I actually heard the message that was being conveyed. Usually, I'm pretty spot on but today, I was pleasantly surprised. This song is slightly misleading in that, depending on how you're feeling when you're listening to the lyrics, it's either a break up song or a happy love song. I wouldn't have realized this if I hadn't been reading the comments, which I do from time to time because I find other people's thoughts entertaining and - occasionally - enlightening. I like this one person's interpretation of it as a happy love song, which basically goes like this....the singer never truly loved anyone before and now that she has, she understands that she was holding herself back in ways she could never understand and that's what breaks her heart. This interpretation reminds me of a Rumi quote, which I will include here (because I am now - and have always been - the type of person who quotes Rumi and Hafiz and Neruda)....
"Break your heart until it opens."
It seems simple enough but it's so hard to grasp in practice. I've been reading a lot of books - not all of which are of the spiritual persuasion - but a singular theme seems to be arising. True love shows you who you are. It doesn't just make you the person you always wanted to be, it reminds you that you already are. You just have to wipe a little dust off the mirror, that's all. And while I'm still trying earnestly to grasp these philosophical concepts that oftentimes seem just out of reach, I'm getting closer. And with philosophy - which has no right or wrong answers, an much needed respite in a world desperately clinging to absolutes - if something feels true, hold onto it. Because it might be.
Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
Just to break my own fall
During the chorus, Spektor sings, "I hear in my mind all of these voices, I hear in my mind all of these words, and I hear in my mind all of this music." In the interpretation that I found, the voices and the words are all of her doubts and fears that prevented her from fully loving someone before this point. The verse above is all her "what ifs," the troubling things she thinks about when she's really forced to be alone with her heart. And that's the crux of it - we let those doubts and fears get in the way. As a sort of protection, a shield around our hearts. Maybe less of a shield and more of a cage. But, from what I've been learning and digesting (both lately and throughout most of my human experience) is that Love is freeing. It frees you from whatever is holding you back, because those chains can no longer contain you. You're invincible. I realize now I may sound a bit like Christian from "Moulin Rouge." I was always able to identify with the perspectives of both him and Satine. Always understood her (very justified) Fear, but always embraced his untethered hope and faith in Love. In the end, they switch roles - she has hope that Love will redeem her and he Fears that what he felt was never real. But eventually, those fears and doubts are dissolved and what is left is pure. Pure everything. Pure Love. Pure Music. Everything came full circle in the most emotional and uplifting song in the entire movie. And I think that's why most songs are about Love - because music has this powerful ability to transport us to that place with the most basic beauty that humans can create. That the universe created. Sound. Music was the first art. And it will surely be the last, whenever the end comes.
There's a lot of symbolism in the video, mostly surrounding the use of color. Again, at first blush, you think you're watching the video of a break up song. But then she turns it around and nothing is as you thought it was. Enjoy!
I have been, as my supervisor likes to put it, "in my feelings." Deep, deep in my feelings. Kind of been feeling a little bit out of control emotionally, honestly. But all the stuff I've been reading says you shouldn't run away from your emotions, you should sit with them. So, in honor of the beginning of Pisces season, I sat with it and mulled it over. And the overwhelming emotion I've been feeling is - of course - anger. My old friend.
When I get angry, I seem really calm. I get incredibly quiet and my eyes go cold. That's how you know I'm really, really angry. Because if you look closely, you'd see that I'm also shaking. I have such a rush of energy that, if I let go, I know I will burn down my entire world - and all the people in it - just because I can. When I get to this point, I usually clean. If I'm cleaning or doing anything else in silence with wild, untamed fervor, you better be having a "come to Jesus" moment and it's best not to approach me unless it is in sincere reverence. I've been getting to that shaking point a lot lately, which is odd because I haven't really had that many in the past 5 or 6 years. That's pretty impressive, I think - to have not gotten really, truly angry about something in several years. But, as I've said before, Anger is my default emotion, my oldest demon, and thus, a close and dear friend. Anger always reminds me that I'm not getting what I deserve. Anger always reminds me that I'm giving too much and not getting much in return. Anger reminds me that I shouldn't apologize when it's the other person's goddamn fault.
After sitting with Anger for awhile, I understood why she made her triumphant return, in all her chaotic-yet-controlled glory. She always shows up when I feel I've been taken for granted or treated unjustly. Being taken for granted always makes feel like all my kindness and generosity, although nice to have, isn't wanted or particularly special for people. Which ultimately opens up that core wound of feeling rejected - feeling unworthy and unloved and unnecessary. I read somewhere (probably Twitter) that messages come in song form, especially during Pisces season, so I should pay attention to the songs that randomly get stuck in my head - particularly if unprompted or if they haven't been heard recently. Two songs came to mind when I thought of this feeling and they reflect two different ways of addressing Rejection. The first was stuck in my head when I woke up a few Sundays ago. Just a warning - it is kind of super sad but since I've been lost in my feels, I'm taking all of you down with me.
"Amnesia" by 5 Seconds of Summer
It seems like - as it is with The Spill Canvas - all the sad songs that 5SOS writes are about the same girl. The same girl that broke poor Luke's (or whoever's) heart. As you can see, he's all mopey and he's missing a girl that seems perfectly fine without him. But I understand it. After a relationship ends - and it's not mutual - people have a tendency to go over everything and wonder if everything was just make-believe for those couple of weeks or months (or years). Were you just delirious? Was it ever really mutual? And we plague ourselves with these questions instead of just doing exactly what the song suggests. Developing amnesia, forgetting all those memories, and moving on.
I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine
Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?
Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
There are some people who have no trouble doing this - they'll jump into another relationship immediately, which psychologists say is not healthy. You need time to grieve the loss - if you jump into something immediately, you're just distracting yourself from feeling those emotions and sooner or later, they're going to pop back up. Usually at inconvenient times and not for the benefit of those around you. Charlotte from "Sex and the City" had a pretty solid rule - you have half the time that the relationship lasted to get over it. That doesn't mean you have to stay single for 6 months after a year long relationship, but at least stay single long enough to heal and remember who you are outside the context of a relationship.
Moving on, this morning I woke up with the following song stuck in my head....
"Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash
The slash and burn is my personally favorite way to deal with rejection. If they don't want me, they don't get anything more. And I kind of feel like that's the right way of dealing with it. They're not good enough, therefore they're not worthy of my time, my energy, or my attention. Maybe that makes me a bitch but that doesn't bother me. And that's kind of how I feel about being taken for granted - if you think I'm going to always be there, that makes me question how much you actually value my time, energy, and attention. And if I perceive you don't actually value it, well, then you obviously don't deserve it. I'm generally a very affectionate, caring and generous person when it comes to people I care about, but a lot of people seem to think I'm kind of cold. There's a reason for that. I won't be mean to you, but I will fucking ignore you. Because that's what you asked for.
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here
So, yeah, still working on some demons. I don't want to be mean or cruel. And I definitely don't want to lash out at people and do something I regret. That's another thing about Pisces season - don't make any life altering decisions. I'm highly doubtful I'm feeling emotional just because we're into the Pisces time frame - I honestly think a lot of things are coming up right now that I need to deal with and coincidentally, we happen to be under one of the most weepy, emotional Zodiac signs. Just like being a patient but vengeful bitch is only sort of related to me being a Cancer sun. However, I think the suggestions the astrologers I follow on Twitter are pretty sound for anyone who has been doing shadow work that has become overwhelming and has brought up some nasty parts of your identity that you thought were dead. 1. Meditate/Get some Solitude/Do Yoga, 2. Journal (especially document your dreams), 3. Go with the flow and take it easy, 4. Listen to your inner guidance, 5. Do something creative, and 6. Refrain from addictive substances.
Personally, it has been feeling like my entire body is breaking down and nobody realizes it except me. And yet I'm still pushing myself - yesterday, I ran even though I know I need to take it easy. It feels better to do something when you're carrying around all this weight, especially of the angry variety. It's pretty powerful - I've run for four straight hours before just because something pissed me off and I had a free afternoon. Meditation sounds good though. I've been lately meditating using the Hawaii'an mantra of forgiveness, Ho'oponopono - in English, the mantra is basically, "I'm sorry, Forgive Me, Thank you, I Love You." It helps. It truly does.
I love duets like this, when you get both points of view and, of course, they're weirdly mirrored. And it makes you wonder - why can't these two people work it out? If they want to be with each other so much, why don't they do what they need to do to make it happen? Of course, I don't know what the problem between the two people in the song is. It sounds like she feels like she's giving him everything and she's getting nothing back. And he realizes he's doing this and he doesn't know why, because he wants to give her everything, too. So what's stopping him? I know that answer could be incredibly complicated, so I'm trying to suspend judgement. Because, honestly, there's two people making a choice in this song.
Both are hoping that the other will call (or text) but not making the first move themselves. What are they afraid of? That the other person doesn't feel the same? That it's really over? Or worse, it's not over but maybe it should be. And that's what will haunt them - that they ended things too soon, because of petty obstacles. My favorite lyric in this song is "Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life." Isn't that the worst feeling? Knowing that there's so many things wrong (or one major thing) with a relationship but knowing that you love the other person so much and you want to be with them anyway, no matter what happens. I like to think that Love conquers all but when I say conquer, I mean conquer - it can leave a path of destruction and bodies like nothing else in this world. Romeo and Juliet. Guinevere and Lancelot. Antony and Cleopatra. In all three of these stories, the two people involved loved each other like the moon loves the sun....and their affairs resulted in massive wars and countless lives lost. Although I seem to be making a cynical point, I'm not. In any case, these stories (fictional and historical) have the same lesson - True Love is worth the cost. That being said, given the level of potential destruction, it's probably not for the weak.
I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life, oh
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
I gave you something, but you gave me nothing
What is happening to me?
The chorus always kind of makes me wonder, though. I just want to keep calling your name until you come back home. I'm assuming this sentence is more figurative than literal. Although, it is kind of a funny to imagine they're each on a street corner, in the rain, screaming for each other. Like they're looking for a lost puppy or something. (There's a metaphor in there, I know it...) No, I'm almost certain they're talking about their soul crying out for the other person. As perhaps we all do, when we're in the throes of existential dread. But does the other person hear it? Do they feel it? This has been one of the great metaphysical questions I've been pondering lately. Is it possible to know if someone is thinking of you? Or is it all just wishful thinking? I hope Person X is thinking of me but I have no control over that. No one does. Also, there's also the main theme of the song - they don't want to live forever if it means living without the other person. This makes me think of the book I'm writing, which ruminates on the perils of Immortality for precisely this reason. Immortality is ultimately the curse of loneliness, a curse to live without the ones you love for the majority of your days. As much fun as it would to finish my epic reading list, the prospect of living forever only to watch the people I care most about slip away constantly would be heartbreaking. As you may have guessed, my story ideas don't come from the cheeriest of places.
Speaking of origin stories, this song was specifically formulated to be the theme for "Fifty Shades Darker." I have a confession - I tried to read the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy. But I just couldn't - I don't want to judge another's writing but it definitely wasn't for me since I couldn't even finish the first chapter. Trust me, there's better erotica out there, my friends. For instance, I'm reading a historical fantasy series called Kushiel's Legacy by Jacqueline Carey. It takes place in a reimagined Renaissance-period Europe where courtesans are revered as performing a sacred service. It's intriguing and, although her overuse of highfalutin words (most of which I think she made up) can be kind of annoying, I generally like the flowery luxuriousness of the world Carey created. Just a warning - like "Fifty Shades," it's high on the BDSM scale. In the current book I'm reading, Phedre has decided to return to Naamah's service, much to the chagrin of her True Love, Joscelin. Pained by her choice, after he's forsaken all his Cassiline Brotherhood vows for her, he decides to return to celibacy. This, of course, is painful to Phedre because he effectively takes back the love he said he had for her. At least in practice - there's multiple times in the book so far where today's Song du Jour would be quite fitting.
A few words about the video. It follows Zayn Malik - the most attractive former member of One Direction (and the most successful thus far) - and Taylor Swift (looking smolderingly beautiful, as is her custom) roaming around New York after they stopped seeing each other. They both look sad and lonely. But they must stay apart, because that is a disgustingly attractive pairing. However, it must be said that the guys Taylor dates in real life aren't nearly as hot as Malik and it's kind of a shame. She has this tendency to cast really super attractive men in her videos but then she turns around and dates Jake Gyllenhaal and John Mayer, of all people. All I'm saying is....the poor girl needs an intervention.
The last couple of posts were super serious, so I wanted to choose something more fun and upbeat for today. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs when I go running...or when I'm practicing some S-Factor moves alone in my room. As I said in an earlier post, Latina women are kind of having a moment, especially in music, and that was very evident at the Grammy's this year, with Dua Lipa winning Best New Artist and Best Dance Recording; Cardi B winning Best Rap Album (on top of being nominated for 7 awards); and Ariana Grande winning Best Pop Vocal album in a category that included stiff competition like Taylor Swift and P!nk. Camila Cabello had two nominations and, although she didn't win anything, her performance of "Havana" was on fire.
Dua Lipa wrote this song after a toxic relationship, where the guy basically used her for sex and misused her emotions. By the end of it, she felt like she was worthless. This relationship is featured in many of her songs, one of which I plan to use for another post later this month. Instead of focusing on how she was used, she wrote this song to twist around the situation so that she was in control. Again, another artist transmuting her dark experiences into something magical. In the song, she's the one who has the power, like he's the one being used for her pleasure. A temptress. He can try but he can't get away. The lyrics are quite aggressive, which is one of the things that makes it a great "song to strip to" (yes, I have a whole list of these that I'll eventually write down, don't worry). I can understand the sentiment. I have a tendency to be "aggressive" in relationships....and I'm going to be honest, that's never worked out for me. Mr. Nice Guy said I "kissed too passionately." The Moviestar was - I don't know - not interested in being chased....so I didn't. I'm a once bitten, twice shy kind of girl - you only get one chance and it's gone if you don't take it. And honestly, the only times things sort of worked out is when they chased me, so the lesson I learned here is that if he's not chasing, he's not interested. Yes, I know some guys are too shy or scared to chase. That's too bad - I don't fuck with cowards. Not anymore. Not ever again.
(SLANG NOTE: By "I don't fuck with cowards," I mean I don't bother with them, I don't waste my time, not the literal meaning of "fuck" - although it does, technically, mean that too. I know I have a lot of international readers who aren't familiar with American Millennial Twitterisms, so I thought a clarification might be in order.)
You're my manna from heaven
We all gotta get fed
Can't let me know I'm wanted
Can't let me in your head
I'm not here to make you kneel
But it's praise that I'll get
You ain't gonna walk free boy
Not finished with you yet, no
The "I don't fuck with cowards thing" also goes for my own life as well. (I am a Gryffindor, after all...) I decided to re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" again, after recently reading a piece by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book made a major impact on my life and, re-reading it, it's astonishing how much of my current inner guidance is reflected within its pages. Gilbert always struck me as so brave, to choose to blow up her life in order to be happy. I've found a kindred spirit in Gilbert and not only because she is also a Cancer Sun with Gemini Rising (although I found that an amusing coincidence....the first time I read the book, I probably didn't care, but with my newfound hobby as an amateur astrologist, I understand a lot of the similarities between me and her, which may be why I resonated with her story so much, even as a teenager). I am now the same age as she was when her story - the journey she describes in the book - initially began and, in many ways, I find myself facing the same questions. What do I really want? For her, in the aftermath of a messy divorce, that question was answered at first with a desire to learn Italian and visit her Guru's ashram. I also desperately want to learn Italian and have decided that now is as good a time as any to start discovering one of my ancestral languages. Especially after reading her passionate words about the language and saying some of her favorite words out loud, I feel like it's time to try it out. She thought learning Italian was kind of a random desire, especially for a WASP girl from Connecticut, but she still followed it. It was one that had eaten at her for years, which got me thinking...What is a desire that has eaten at me for years?
When I run, it's kind of a meditative action for me. A time to let my mind and imagination run free. Sometimes, I imagine I am a superhero. Or spy in training. And those fantasies are fun, I'll admit. But my favorite fantasy, lately, has been imagining myself as a Burlesque performer. For a long time, when I heard songs, I would construct whole Burlesque routines around them. And not just the dance routines, but the costumes, the lighting, the props, the scenery.....everything. Everything that goes into a performance. But I've never put it into action and lately, I've been asking myself "Why not?" I'll go through Instagram and see posts from the Suicide Girls' BlackHeart Burlesque, and think, "I could do that....I could do that well." And again, that infuriatingly calm, insistent voice - "Why don't you?" And I think there's a lot of shame and fear behind it, because when I've expressed interest in the Burlesque world in the past, the reaction I've gotten from people was, "Really? That's kind of out of character for you, isn't it?" Now, I'm realizing...no, it isn't out of character for me. It's out of character for the idea people had/have of me, which is the bookish, quiet type. A lot of people don't know I'm a natural performer but I am, always have been, since I was a little girl. In high school, my best friend's mom told me I glowed when I was on stage. And I do. I really do. Anyway, there's something in me who wants to explore this and the interest hasn't gone away after 15+ years, so maybe it's time to take action. Take a class or two. Even if I just perform for myself or my partner, I know it's something I want to do, a skill I want to learn, and that's probably not going to change.
Let's talk about the video. Dua Lipa does dance music, essentially, so it's what you'd expect a dance music video to be like. Dancing seductively in a warehouse with a bunch of other young, gorgeous people. For the record, I find Dua Lipa extremely beautiful. I'm finding that I'm attracted to all my spiritual guides, musical or otherwise, because of their beauty. And it's not that I'm attracted to women - honestly not interested in sex with women at all - I'm just very drawn to feminine beauty. I guess I have a latent desire to embody it, so I seek out people that I see that in. Figure I can learn something from them, you know? I understand that's a weird perspective - to see beautiful women as teachers and allies, not competition. Because, fundamentally, I don't believe their beauty detracts from mine, because it's something wholly separate and unique and worthy of admiration. It's not a threat, it's a gift. Personally, I think this is a good perspective, and it's certainly been healthier for my self-esteem. I'll probably be exploring this more next month, but you know....I love a good prologue.
This morning, I woke up about 30 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off with one phrase being repeated over and over. "Be Love. The people who are meant to be in your life will rise up to meet you." I don't know why but it felt very profound. All day, I've been pondering what it means. And I think that it's this - allow yourself to love as if you've never been hurt before, as if you can't be hurt. Those who are meant for you will match your intensity, match that vibration. They will choose to change, because that is what love does. It changes everything. In fact, love - genuine, real, unconditional Love - is the only thing that ever really changed anything, when you think about it.
So what does it mean to be Love? Well, I'm not particularly religious but I do like that one Bible quote, because it always rang true. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." I'll admit, it's hard to embody that - but most people don't even really try nowadays. They think they're justified in their outrage at little things - things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't particularly matter - that they forget that they're directing that anger and hatred at real people. It's easy to get stuck in your head, get mired down in your thoughts, your opinions, your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. But, after a very lonely childhood spent stuck in my own head, I figured out the hard way that happiness is found in the connections we have with other people, no matter how tenuous we think those threads are.
Last weekend, I binge watched "Russian Doll" on Netflix (which I highly recommend) and a lot of things kind of clicked in my head. There's one episode where the main character, Nadia, spends a whole night watching over a homeless man to prevent his shoes from being stolen, because she knows that without the shoes, he's going to freeze to death in one timeline. So, lesson number 1 - if you can, be someone's guardian angel. You may think a random act of kindness is small and meaningless, but it may not be. Next, Nadia had to face her inner child and the guilt she felt for choosing herself - her own well-being - by telling a social worker that she wanted to live with her mom's friend, and not her mom. This episode hit me kind of hard, because Nadia's relationship with her mother very closely resembled mine. She had to grow up a lot sooner than she should've had to, she had to take care of someone psychologically who should've been taking care of her, so it felt wrong and selfish to acknowledge what she wanted. Lesson number 3, forgive yourself for choosing yourself, especially in situations where things were out of your control. And lesson number 4, there is nothing you can do to make someone happy if they aren't choosing to be happy for themselves. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Ever. But that doesn't mean you can't take responsibility for helping them do what they need to do. Which leads to lesson number 5 - we are responsible for our own happiness, so do what you need to do. If you need to go to therapy, go to therapy. If you need to make a change in your life, make that change. Don't expect anyone else to make you happy, because they will always fail to meet your expectations, and that's not fair to put on them.
I liked the season finale because, in the last episode, the two main characters - Nadia and Alan - have to prove that they learned these lessons by being separated into two timelines and make the choice they failed to make originally. Throughout the show, they keep trying to figure out how they're connected. Well, in the end, they discover they were meant to save each other and when they learn this, the timelines merge and they're back together again. This reminds me of the ending of one of my favorite movies, "Wristcutters: A Love Story." In it, a guy (Zia) is trapped in purgatory after he commits suicide. In purgatory, he's living out the same boring life he was living before he died, until he meets a girl (Mikal) who insists there's been a mistake and demands to speak to the People in Charge (PIC). So he goes on a journey to help her find the PIC and, of course, they fall in love. Mikal is given a chance to return to life but she tells Zia that she'll come back. He's left waiting, convinced he'll never see her again but happy that she got what she wanted. The PIC take pity on him and return him to life, too. Zia wakes up in a hospital bed and when he turns to the patient next to him, he realizes it's Mikal and they smile at each other. They smile because they know they'll never be alone again.
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
But keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
I chose this song for Valentine's Day because I find something very honest in it. In the video, Haley Williams is lying in a pile of stereotypical Valentine's Day crap during some scenes, in kind of an ironic twist. I think the lyrics speak to something a lot of people can relate to - they go through life trying so hard to protect their heart, after years of disappointments and sadness. But when you fall in love - real love - you want to remove all those barriers. You want to get over all those fears of abandonment, rejection, loss, unworthiness, because you know that those don't allow you to be the best person you can be. And that's how love changes us - it should make us remember who we want to be, because that person is amazing. And if you love someone, you want to give them someone amazing and nothing less. And that requires taking some chances and doing something scary. It may require you to drop habits and behaviors and beliefs that you've had for decades. It should. I think we let ourselves get kind of cynical after a while. We become convinced that we're unlovable because we're not pretty enough, or smart enough, or fast enough or any number of "enoughs." Fill in the blank and you'll see what I mean. And then we use those lies as excuses to build a wall to keep love out, because we're afraid. Love doesn't exist. Love never lasts. Love is pain. Love is torture. Love is a trap. None of that is true, of course, but you'd never know that looking at society. And I'm tired of being cynical.
Sorry for the long rant. I think I had a lot more to say from when I was planning this in my head earlier, but it's late, I'm really tired, and I'm honestly surprised I even wrote this much. As far as visual interpretations go, I think video is worth watching. It's basically a psychologically analysis of how Williams' childhood shaped her approach to love. In the video, she meets this guy and he stays with her all night just talking after a love at first sight moment. In the beginning, the intensity makes her afraid and she's about to bail on him. But after looking at the things that make her want to run, she comes the conclusion that she'll regret it if she doesn't take this chance, so she returns to the original moment and makes a different choice.
I don't know why, but I'm feeling this song tonight. I had originally picked out another song but I changed my mind. This song is kind of sad because it's about missed opportunities, especially for young love. It speaks to harsh lessons that some people have to learn sooner than others. About accepting the reality of a situation and choosing not to feed it anymore.
In the song - and in the video for the song - you have a girl who is in love with a boy. But she perceives that he's not as interested - either he's flaky or he's chasing after other people or not giving her the attention she wants - whatever it is, he's not showing up and meeting her in the middle, but he still thinks she'll be around whenever he wants her. So, without resentment or anger, she's walking away completely because she deserves better. Now, he regrets it and realizes his mistake. But it's too late, she's not coming back. Not without a major change anyway. And maybe not ever, in spite of whatever Grand Romantic Gesture he's considering. That's a hard lesson to learn. To not take someone for granted, not to treat them like they'll always be there, because that's never the case. Ever. Likewise, it's a hard lesson to learn not to let people take advantage of you - claiming your attention, your thoughts, your energy - when they're not earning it. But I think a lot of people - both men and women - accept it because they're afraid to be alone. Maybe being alone is not so bad, though, especially when someone's treating you like an option instead of the option. In that case, walking away might be the only move you can make. Make it a clean break. And accept that it's the end, because if the other person didn't want it to be the end, they would've tried harder to keep you around.
My young heart
Chanced to believe
We were destined
Young hearts
All need love
Call it a lesson
The stars and the charts and the cards make sense
Only when we want them to
When I lie awake staring in to space
I see a different view
This song came out a few years ago and it's the above verse that caught my attention (of course it would...I'm so predictable when it comes to esoteric references). This is silly but, once upon a time, 19-year-old me thought that The Moviestar (formerly The Muse) and I were meant to be. To be fair, he seemed interested at the time. But that was all in my head and it took me a long time - longer than I'd care to admit - that it was never going to happen. Thinking about it now, I thought he'd be a (fairly large) chapter in my memoir but now I realize he was just a footnote. I'm not even sure I really liked him as a person, just the idea of who he was in my head. Now, when you actually like the person, that makes walking away a lot harder. But if they're not matching your energy, then it's probably for the best, because you deserve someone who is enthusiastic to meet you halfway. It becomes easy for them, because they want to do it. Think of Morticia and Gomez - although she may be more reserved and cool, she still has the same intense passion for Gomez that he has for her. They never fight but that doesn't mean they don't have disagreements - they resolve differences calmly and with understanding of the other's perspective. Although we never see it onscreen, it's always hinted that they have an active sex life. They always make an effort to be their best selves for each other. And finally, they're a team....in everything!
Anyway, to sum up for the young'uns - don't settle just because you're lonely. Don't let people use you. If you want more than someone is willing to give you, walk away because - if you want to - you'll find someone who will give you what you're looking for. And if you happen to be in the reverse situation, don't for one moment think you're entitled to someone's affection or attention. If you're interested, be interested. And don't be surprised if they don't stick around when you're acting lukewarm. And there's your daily dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess (pretty sure I'm ready for my own radioshow....like Dr. Laura but not really like Dr. Laura cuz I kinda fucking hate her).
Let's talk about the video for a moment, because this is one of those very rare video where I actually like that it's an extremely literal translation of the lyrics. It follows two high schoolers who hooked up at a party, she thought it was going somewhere but then he ghosted her or something and now, she's done. In fact, the girl after the whole debacle seems a lot colder, a lot less loving. And that's the risk - when this sort of thing happens to people, it makes them a lot less trusting, a lot more afraid to be vulnerable, which is essential when you want to find love. They've lost their ability to love...and some people never get that back. Trust me. I have a psychology degree.
I spent the better part of this weekend completely devastated because I made the mistake of going to a "Moulin Rouge" movie party on Friday. How can that be my favorite movie if it fucks me up that badly every time I see it? I was very close to ugly crying in the theater, so much so that I couldn't sing at times...and I fucking love singing! Even today, thinking about it, my heart is so heavy. Thus, I need something happy to lift my spirits. Something with extremely liberal use of the harmonica. Double points if it hearkens back to my childhood and has numerous instantly dated pop culture references. Ah, Blessid Union of Souls! You never let me down....
This song is great because it makes me think of that sort of love we all dream about. Where we've found someone who likes us, even the not-so-great parts, and doesn't expect us to be something we're not. They just like hanging out with us in all our strange glory. It doesn't matter if we dress weird or study the occult or have a penchant for using small - but difficult - words. Yes....I may have been describing myself. I'm a handful. I know I'm a handful. I have a tendency to talk like a valley girl but occasionally throw in a "y'all" or some French words to throw people off. My idea of dressing up has just a tad too much cleavage to be considered classy and I own way too much Harry Potter-themed apparel. I'm "smart" but have admittedly some out there beliefs, but - to be fair - I believe in those things because (after 30 years of searching) I know in my heart they're true (and that's good enough for me). And I annoy myself sometimes because I sound like such a know-it-all, even in my own head. But I'm not trying to be! I just read a lot about everything, so I have something to say about everything. And I know I'm weird. I've always been weird. I was the creepy kid who liked bats, watched obscure foreign films, and used the emerging Internet to look up Wicca correspondence tables and Sailor Moon gifs. I still am that creepy kid....only now, I just don't have the amount of fucks needed to keep that stuff hidden. If that's not what floats someone's boat, I can't do anything about that. I can't be someone I'm not. Just have to move along as best I can.
Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark
The things that we're afraid of
are gonna show us what we're made of in the end
She likes me for me
Not because I sing like Pavarotti
Or because I'm such a hottie
I like her for her
Not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford
She has got so much to offer
Why does she waste all her time with me?
There must be something there that I don't see
I don't see
In the song, Blessid Union of Soul laments the transactional nature of our relationships, even today. Sure, I love you....as long as you stay pretty or keep making money or do me this favor. I wonder, sometimes, if it's even possible to love someone without expectations. Without conditions. For example, let's consider the relationship between Christian and Satine in "Moulin Rouge." He started out the relationship knowing she was a courtesan (which is just a fancy name for whore) but still expected her to be faithful - or at least, wanted her to be faithful, even when it threatened to destroy her entire world. But Satine, she did love him faithfully. So much so, that she was going to sacrifice her own happiness just so he could live. Satine gathered all her inner strength, whatever she had left, to convince him she didn't love him so he'd stay away, stay safe. And do you know what that stupid asshole did? He fucking called her bluff in the middle of a live performance! And she's the one who asks for forgiveness in the end. Typical. Anyway, I'm not sure that's realistic. Could anyone love someone knowing there's no future in it? Sounds like a recipe for heartbreak.
Went on a tangent for a bit. That stupid movie is still working its devilry on me. Anyway, this song elicits many questions. I'm curious how this guy knows that she likes him for him. She could just be really good at pretending she doesn't notice he's rich and handsome. Also, he keeps saying "I'm so glad I found her once again." Where'd she go? Did he leave her behind when he decided to become famous? Sounds like he's kind of a dick, if that's the case. You'll notice, he spends most of the song bragging about himself. And he sounds like he's pretty awesome, but feels a tremendous amount of unworthiness. Clearly, he doesn't think a smart, beautiful, funny, kind, amazing girl would be interested in him unless she was getting something out of it, aside from being in a relationship with him. That's unfortunate. That happens with girls too. I'm thinking of Captain Lance and Ava, from "Legends of Tomorrow." Sara Lance finally gets the girl of her dreams and, out of some misplaced shame, pushes her away, claiming she "deserves" better. I know exactly what Ava was thinking, though - I'm sure she was thinking "it doesn't matter what I deserve, I want you." If you think she deserves better, be better. You'd think that would be the obvious solution....
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Anyway, the video is peak 90s. A guy - who looks like a total fucking dork, by the way - heads out to the club to scope out all the girls. Looking for his next True Love. In his head, the ladies love him - but he strikes out once or twice, as is normal. At the end of the video, he runs into the news broadcaster lady he has a crush on (from the beginning of the video). The video quality is pretty shitty - they didn't have HD in the 90s.
I'm still in a cheesy mood so I thought I'd pull out this favorite from my preteen/teen days. You can even see the MTV logo in the corner! You know....from when they still played music videos. Y'all may not be familiar with The Moffatts. They weren't very popular in the United States...but they were huge in Canada briefly. They were Canada's answer to Hanson (and I fucking loved Hanson...still do, in fact...), a band of brothers who sang sappy love songs and played their own instruments. I only knew about them because I read (probably too much) Teen Beat. Don't judge me....the 90s was a crazy time for everybody. This particular song was featured on an episode of my favorite show at the time, which I'll talk about because I feel like it didn't get the recognition it deserved while it was on the air. "So Weird" was a Disney show about a musician's daughter who was obsessed with the paranormal and had metaphysical encounters in every town where the tour stopped. And her older brother was hot. Correction: Her older brother was my kind of hot.... He's still hot - and he started a Christian folk band and stars in Hallmark movies. I apparently have a thing for wholesome nice guys. It's really fucking annoying.
Patrick Levis circa 2000
Patrick Levis Now-ish
Enough about my preteen hormones, let's talk about the song. Pretty simple story. The singer is in love with a girl that may or may not know he exists. It's unclear whether or not he has actually talked to the girl in question. Perhaps he's been admiring her from afar. Perhaps engaging in some mild stalking. Who knows? Point is, he's a little obsessed. I mean, he's wishing he could hold her, touch her, feel her.....and I just realized I assumed a hetero-normative situation. He never actually says that he's singing to a girl in the song, because the lyrics are directed at the object of his affection. My bad. Anyway, so when he's not around this person, it sounds like it sucks for him. Seems pretty straightforward. I find the following lyrics pretty interesting - Misery is what I feel/When you're not around/So I can't heal. I'm curious what this person is supposed to be healing. A broken heart? Or does this person have certain curative properties? Maybe he just feels better about himself when they're around. There's a more current song that's been on the radio that has a similar sentiment. I like me better when I'm with you. That would explain why this person is so addicting for the singer. Because if someone makes you feel like you are all the things you wish you were, wouldn't you want to feel that way all the time? Of course! But it's probably healthier to try and figure out how to feel that way on your own.
I cry myself to sleep again tonight
cause I cannot hold you tight
I wish I could see you again tomorrow
To take all this sorrow, sorrow, hollow
When I touch you
Can you feel it
When I need you
Can you give it
When I look in your eyes
Can you see me
When I fall
Will you catch me
Catch me
Catch me
As much as I like this song, though, it kind of annoys me. First, as you may have noticed, the lyrics are uber melodramatic. Second, if a boy feels like this about a girl, he will write a song about it. Or a poem. Or sketch something. He'll do anything except actually tell said girl about how he's feeling. And then they'll be crushed when she starts dating a Chad. Surprise! You only have a chance with a girl if you actually tell them you like them. Girls can't fucking read minds! Isn't that weird? Such crazy-ness! Much scary! But, once in a while, if you put yourself out there, they like you back. Sometimes they don't - and that sucks but you'll get over it. And sometimes, you'll get to know them and it turns out that you weren't that interested in the actual person....and that's an important thing to know! But, the point is, you never know until you try. Until then, you're just putting the poor girl/boy on a pedestal, out of reach and that's no fun for anyone involved. Fortune favors the bold....and whatnot. And that is your Love Advice with Dr. Jess for the day. ::sigh:: Maybe I'm just being overly unsympathetic. But that would be a first for me.
The video isn't very interesting but the lead singer is attractive. His brothers are attractive, but less so. Everything else in the video is just kind of random. I think the message they were trying to get across was that life was going on around him but he always had storm clouds because his beloved wasn't there. But it misses the mark. I would also like to point out that this song is not on Spotify and that is very unfortunate indeed.
It's a New Moon (in Aquarius, FYI, not that you asked) and it's also Chinese New Year. It's supposed to be a powerful time for manifesting, not just for the next month but for the whole year. Especially since the first New Moon of the year was all about releasing things that may have been holding you down (because of the eclipse), we're getting a fresh start in February. Thus, I thought it best if I started off this month with a real love song, not one that's bitter or angry. You know....just in case there is something to this whole manifestation thing, I don't want to invite in heartbreak. I've had enough of that, thank you very much, Universe.
Okay, so if we're not pulling in sadness or resentment, what do we want to pull in? Well, as I mentioned in my post for "High Hopes," it's all about being specific. I'm starting to realize that, when we're looking for love, we're not very specific. Honestly, we like the electricity in the beginning and then afterwards, it's just worrying whether or not they're going to stay. Regardless of whether it's for the highest good of everyone involved (and sometimes it's not....I know that's an uncomfortable truth). When I say specific, it's not about wanting a particular person. In "You've Got Mail," when Kate is breaking up with her fiance because he fell in love with another woman, he asks if she'll be okay, if she has someone else in mind. And she's says, "No....but there's the idea of someone else." And maybe some people think that it's unrealistic that she'd be okay with her long-time boyfriend leaving her for someone else, but I don't think so. Maybe deep down, she knew she was settling just because her current situation made logical sense from the outside. And the Universe intervened. I don't know why that particular scene popped into my head right now - this ramble just became a bit too pensive just now and I was trying to keep it light-hearted. Anyway, I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. And instead of getting unstuck, they just forget about what they wanted in the first place.
Alright, back on topic. What do I want to manifest for February? Well, I've always wanted my life to be romantic. Like movie romantic. The Husband used to say I had unrealistic expectations about this sort of stuff. Maybe that's true. But surprise flowers once in a while would be nice. I'm partial to white roses with red edges. Or oleander, which is my actual favorite flower. A bit unconventional, I know - it smells and looks pretty but all that beauty is secretly dangerous. What else? I'd like a few love letters. I'm the only one who ever writes them, so it'd be nice to get a few back. I've always wanted someone to write a poem for me - or make any art, really. Mr. Nice Guy bought me a stapler once and gave me a card that said "You're My Favorite." It was sweet, in a way, but I also kind of wanted to slap him. If I could avoid the "hopelessly practical" type, I would. Slow dancing in the park under a full moon....okay, now I'm just being ridiculous. Oh well....maybe I'm not the fairytale princess type, which means I'm going have to do these things by myself (and drag The Husband kicking and screaming, if I have to....though I'd rather not).
Why are the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right?
I'm tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
'Cause it's you and me
And all of the people people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all other people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you
"You and Me" is one of my favorite love songs. So....in his head, the singer has separated humanity into two groups - him and the person he loves, and then all other people. And he doesn't even know what to do with this information! He can't even string the right words together, he can barely even think sometimes. Also, I would also like to note that I don't think this song was written in the infatuation stage, where you're all high on life. Nope, it's after you've done all that "getting to know you" crap and you still like being around the other person most of the time. And, even though some of the mystery is gone, you're still kind of in awe of the other person. Strange, I know. Most people turn into assholes once you really get to know them. Or they become boring and predictable. Or, worst of all, they turn into boring, predictable assholes.
Let's talk about the video, because - true to form - I do really love the video for this song. So everyone knows the Romantic Comedy ending - the girl, heartbroken after whatever betrayal the guy has done, decides she needs a change. Usually this change is getting back with her old boyfriend or leaving the country or changing jobs (or quitting prostitution....can I get a holla for "Pretty Woman"?). And - in an incredibly inconvenient twist - this is exactly the moment that the guy decides that he doesn't want to live without her. Thus, the Grand Romantic Gesture is born! Prince Charming pulls his head out of his ass, gets on his motorcycle, and races to stop her from going to....a job interview in DC? Couldn't he just have given her a phone call? It doesn't matter. She was stuck on the Brooklyn Bridge, anyway, so what else was she gonna do? Besides, smack dab in the middle of morning traffic is the perfect place to make out. I'm serious. They've done studies. Some version of that happens in the music video for "You and Me." Girl is headed out of town on the first train (Train? Where the fuck do these people live?!) outta town. Boy, finally realizing that she's his missing piece or something, is racing around the train station, trying to find her....preferably before her train leaves. The thing is....at the end of the video, he shows that he bought a train ticket to go with her. Clearly, he had her itinerary, so why was he freaking out? Boys are stupid.
I think I've ranted your earholes off enough for one night. Please enjoy the beautifully cheesy and almost disgustingly romantic musical stylings of Lifehouse. Video below. Happy Monday!
Merry Imbolc All! As you may have guessed, February's theme is love songs, all kinds. Sad songs, happy songs, lustful songs, break up songs, unrequited love songs - just the full gamut of this subject because, as I've mentioned before, most music written is about love, in some form or another. And, like a girl pulling petals from a daisy, you won't know if it's going to be a happy love song or a breakup song. I thought I'd go back and forth, because there are some really fucking great heartbreak songs that I know someone out there is looking for to heal Because that's how life is and you have to get through it however you can. I - personally - think music is a powerful way to pull your way through this existence. Nietzsche and I have that in common.
Anyway, no song today but a little housekeeping - my brief hiatus is over and I plan to be posting more on Music Slut again. I've gotten my energy and focus back, for the most part, so I hope to at least be writing on here at least three times a week, which seems to be a sustainable pace. Having that extra time to regain my balance was helpful and, if you regularly read this blog, thank you for your patience and understanding. Light and love, 'til tomorrow.
