"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

I discovered this song while watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," a British show that I enjoyed watching once upon a time. I thought it had been cancelled after two seasons but, during my research for this post, I learned it actually survived for four. I think the issue was that America stopped importing it to Showtime and that's why I only saw the first two seasons. I found the show fascinating, mostly because it was largely based on a true story about a grad student who became a call girl to pay for her tuition. I read the book, too - the show is more inspired by the events than based on what happened but I liked learning about Belle de Jour's adventures nonetheless. And - in case you're wondering - yes, I am the type of person who hears a few notes during a shower scene starring Billie Piper and the first thing I think of is, "I've got to find that song...." I find the best songs when I'm just watching a show or walking through a restaurant. Next to Spotify, Shazam is the most used music app on my phone and you'll be surprised to know it rarely fails me.

As I was saying, I do try to do a little research before writing this blog, which I can understand may be hard to believe. I especially like to look up the song meanings, to make sure I actually heard the message that was being conveyed. Usually, I'm pretty spot on but today, I was pleasantly surprised. This song is slightly misleading in that, depending on how you're feeling when you're listening to the lyrics, it's either a break up song or a happy love song. I wouldn't have realized this if I hadn't been reading the comments, which I do from time to time because I find other people's thoughts entertaining and - occasionally - enlightening. I like this one person's interpretation of it as a happy love song, which basically goes like this....the singer never truly loved anyone before and now that she has, she understands that she was holding herself back in ways she could never understand and that's what breaks her heart. This interpretation reminds me of a Rumi quote, which I will include here (because I am now - and have always been - the type of person who quotes Rumi and Hafiz and Neruda)....

"Break your heart until it opens."

It seems simple enough but it's so hard to grasp in practice. I've been reading a lot of books - not all of which are of the spiritual persuasion - but a singular theme seems to be arising. True love shows you who you are. It doesn't just make you the person you always wanted to be, it reminds you that you already are. You just have to wipe a little dust off the mirror, that's all.  And while I'm still trying earnestly to grasp these philosophical concepts that oftentimes seem just out of reach, I'm getting closer. And with philosophy - which has no right or wrong answers, an much needed respite in a world desperately clinging to absolutes - if something feels true, hold onto it. Because it might be.

Suppose I never ever met you

Suppose we never fell in love

Suppose I never ever let you

Kiss me so sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you

Suppose you never ever called

Suppose I kept on singing love songs

Just to break my own fall

During the chorus, Spektor sings, "I hear in my mind all of these voices, I hear in my mind all of these words, and I hear in my mind all of this music." In the interpretation that I found, the voices and the words are all of her doubts and fears that prevented her from fully loving someone before this point. The verse above is all her "what ifs," the troubling things she thinks about when she's really forced to be alone with her heart. And that's the crux of it - we let those doubts and fears get in the way. As a sort of protection, a shield around our hearts. Maybe less of a shield and more of a cage. But, from what I've been learning and digesting (both lately and throughout most of my human experience) is that Love is freeing. It frees you from whatever is holding you back, because those chains can no longer contain you. You're invincible. I realize now I may sound a bit like Christian from "Moulin Rouge." I was always able to identify with the perspectives of both him and Satine. Always understood her (very justified) Fear, but always embraced his untethered hope and faith in Love. In the end, they switch roles - she has hope that Love will redeem her and he Fears that what he felt was never real. But eventually, those fears and doubts are dissolved and what is left is pure. Pure everything. Pure Love. Pure Music. Everything came full circle in the most emotional and uplifting song in the entire movie. And I think that's why most songs are about Love - because music has this powerful ability to transport us to that place with the most basic beauty that humans can create. That the universe created. Sound. Music was the first art. And it will surely be the last, whenever the end comes.

There's a lot of symbolism in the video, mostly surrounding the use of color. Again, at first blush, you think you're watching the video of a break up song. But then she turns it around and nothing is as you thought it was. Enjoy!

"Fidelity" Video