When I get angry, I seem really calm. I get incredibly quiet and my eyes go cold. That's how you know I'm really, really angry. Because if you look closely, you'd see that I'm also shaking. I have such a rush of energy that, if I let go, I know I will burn down my entire world - and all the people in it - just because I can. When I get to this point, I usually clean. If I'm cleaning or doing anything else in silence with wild, untamed fervor, you better be having a "come to Jesus" moment and it's best not to approach me unless it is in sincere reverence. I've been getting to that shaking point a lot lately, which is odd because I haven't really had that many in the past 5 or 6 years. That's pretty impressive, I think - to have not gotten really, truly angry about something in several years. But, as I've said before, Anger is my default emotion, my oldest demon, and thus, a close and dear friend. Anger always reminds me that I'm not getting what I deserve. Anger always reminds me that I'm giving too much and not getting much in return. Anger reminds me that I shouldn't apologize when it's the other person's goddamn fault.
After sitting with Anger for awhile, I understood why she made her triumphant return, in all her chaotic-yet-controlled glory. She always shows up when I feel I've been taken for granted or treated unjustly. Being taken for granted always makes feel like all my kindness and generosity, although nice to have, isn't wanted or particularly special for people. Which ultimately opens up that core wound of feeling rejected - feeling unworthy and unloved and unnecessary. I read somewhere (probably Twitter) that messages come in song form, especially during Pisces season, so I should pay attention to the songs that randomly get stuck in my head - particularly if unprompted or if they haven't been heard recently. Two songs came to mind when I thought of this feeling and they reflect two different ways of addressing Rejection. The first was stuck in my head when I woke up a few Sundays ago. Just a warning - it is kind of super sad but since I've been lost in my feels, I'm taking all of you down with me.
"Amnesia" by 5 Seconds of Summer
It seems like - as it is with The Spill Canvas - all the sad songs that 5SOS writes are about the same girl. The same girl that broke poor Luke's (or whoever's) heart. As you can see, he's all mopey and he's missing a girl that seems perfectly fine without him. But I understand it. After a relationship ends - and it's not mutual - people have a tendency to go over everything and wonder if everything was just make-believe for those couple of weeks or months (or years). Were you just delirious? Was it ever really mutual? And we plague ourselves with these questions instead of just doing exactly what the song suggests. Developing amnesia, forgetting all those memories, and moving on.
I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine
Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?
Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
There are some people who have no trouble doing this - they'll jump into another relationship immediately, which psychologists say is not healthy. You need time to grieve the loss - if you jump into something immediately, you're just distracting yourself from feeling those emotions and sooner or later, they're going to pop back up. Usually at inconvenient times and not for the benefit of those around you. Charlotte from "Sex and the City" had a pretty solid rule - you have half the time that the relationship lasted to get over it. That doesn't mean you have to stay single for 6 months after a year long relationship, but at least stay single long enough to heal and remember who you are outside the context of a relationship.
Moving on, this morning I woke up with the following song stuck in my head....
"Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash
The slash and burn is my personally favorite way to deal with rejection. If they don't want me, they don't get anything more. And I kind of feel like that's the right way of dealing with it. They're not good enough, therefore they're not worthy of my time, my energy, or my attention. Maybe that makes me a bitch but that doesn't bother me. And that's kind of how I feel about being taken for granted - if you think I'm going to always be there, that makes me question how much you actually value my time, energy, and attention. And if I perceive you don't actually value it, well, then you obviously don't deserve it. I'm generally a very affectionate, caring and generous person when it comes to people I care about, but a lot of people seem to think I'm kind of cold. There's a reason for that. I won't be mean to you, but I will fucking ignore you. Because that's what you asked for.
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here
So, yeah, still working on some demons. I don't want to be mean or cruel. And I definitely don't want to lash out at people and do something I regret. That's another thing about Pisces season - don't make any life altering decisions. I'm highly doubtful I'm feeling emotional just because we're into the Pisces time frame - I honestly think a lot of things are coming up right now that I need to deal with and coincidentally, we happen to be under one of the most weepy, emotional Zodiac signs. Just like being a patient but vengeful bitch is only sort of related to me being a Cancer sun. However, I think the suggestions the astrologers I follow on Twitter are pretty sound for anyone who has been doing shadow work that has become overwhelming and has brought up some nasty parts of your identity that you thought were dead. 1. Meditate/Get some Solitude/Do Yoga, 2. Journal (especially document your dreams), 3. Go with the flow and take it easy, 4. Listen to your inner guidance, 5. Do something creative, and 6. Refrain from addictive substances.
Personally, it has been feeling like my entire body is breaking down and nobody realizes it except me. And yet I'm still pushing myself - yesterday, I ran even though I know I need to take it easy. It feels better to do something when you're carrying around all this weight, especially of the angry variety. It's pretty powerful - I've run for four straight hours before just because something pissed me off and I had a free afternoon. Meditation sounds good though. I've been lately meditating using the Hawaii'an mantra of forgiveness, Ho'oponopono - in English, the mantra is basically, "I'm sorry, Forgive Me, Thank you, I Love You." It helps. It truly does.
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