Double Post: "Amnesia" by 5SOS and "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash

I have been, as my supervisor likes to put it, "in my feelings." Deep, deep in my feelings. Kind of been feeling a little bit out of control emotionally, honestly. But all the stuff I've been reading says you shouldn't run away from your emotions, you should sit with them. So, in honor of the beginning of Pisces season, I sat with it and mulled it over. And the overwhelming emotion I've been feeling is - of course - anger. My old friend.

When I get angry, I seem really calm. I get incredibly quiet and my eyes go cold. That's how you know I'm really, really angry. Because if you look closely, you'd see that I'm also shaking. I have such a rush of energy that, if I let go, I know I will burn down my entire world - and all the people in it - just because I can. When I get to this point, I usually clean. If I'm cleaning or doing anything else in silence with wild, untamed fervor, you better be having a "come to Jesus" moment and it's best not to approach me unless it is in sincere reverence. I've been getting to that shaking point a lot lately, which is odd because I haven't really had that many in the past 5 or 6 years. That's pretty impressive, I think - to have not gotten really, truly angry about something in several years. But, as I've said before, Anger is my default emotion, my oldest demon, and thus, a close and dear friend. Anger always reminds me that I'm not getting what I deserve. Anger always reminds me that I'm giving too much and not getting much in return. Anger reminds me that I shouldn't apologize when it's the other person's goddamn fault.

After sitting with Anger for awhile, I understood why she made her triumphant return, in all her chaotic-yet-controlled glory. She always shows up when I feel I've been taken for granted or treated unjustly. Being taken for granted always makes feel like all my kindness and generosity, although nice to have, isn't wanted or particularly special for people. Which ultimately opens up that core wound of feeling rejected - feeling unworthy and unloved and unnecessary. I read somewhere (probably Twitter) that messages come in song form, especially during Pisces season, so I should pay attention to the songs that randomly get stuck in my head - particularly if unprompted or if they haven't been heard recently. Two songs came to mind when I thought of this feeling and they reflect two different ways of addressing Rejection. The first was stuck in my head when I woke up a few Sundays ago. Just a warning - it is kind of super sad but since I've been lost in my feels, I'm taking all of you down with me.

"Amnesia" by 5 Seconds of Summer

It seems like - as it is with The Spill Canvas - all the sad songs that 5SOS writes are about the same girl. The same girl that broke poor Luke's (or whoever's) heart. As you can see, he's all mopey and he's missing a girl that seems perfectly fine without him. But I understand it. After a relationship ends - and it's not mutual - people have a tendency to go over everything and wonder if everything was just make-believe for those couple of weeks or months (or years). Were you just delirious? Was it ever really mutual? And we plague ourselves with these questions instead of just doing exactly what the song suggests. Developing amnesia, forgetting all those memories, and moving on.

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted

I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?

When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

There are some people who have no trouble doing this - they'll jump into another relationship immediately, which psychologists say is not healthy. You need time to grieve the loss - if you jump into something immediately, you're just distracting yourself from feeling those emotions and sooner or later, they're going to pop back up. Usually at inconvenient times and not for the benefit of those around you. Charlotte from "Sex and the City" had a pretty solid rule - you have half the time that the relationship lasted to get over it. That doesn't mean you have to stay single for 6 months after a year long relationship, but at least stay single long enough to heal and remember who you are outside the context of a relationship.

Moving on, this morning I woke up with the following song stuck in my head....

"Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash

The slash and burn is my personally favorite way to deal with rejection. If they don't want me, they don't get anything more. And I kind of feel like that's the right way of dealing with it. They're not good enough, therefore they're not worthy of my time, my energy, or my attention. Maybe that makes me a bitch but that doesn't bother me. And that's kind of how I feel about being taken for granted - if you think I'm going to always be there, that makes me question how much you actually value my time, energy, and attention. And if I perceive you don't actually value it, well, then you obviously don't deserve it. I'm generally a very affectionate, caring and generous person when it comes to people I care about, but a lot of people seem to think I'm kind of cold. There's a reason for that. I won't be mean to you, but I will fucking ignore you. Because that's what you asked for.

I'm gonna harden my heart

I'm gonna swallow my tears

I'm gonna turn and leave you here

So, yeah, still working on some demons. I don't want to be mean or cruel. And I definitely don't want to lash out at people and do something I regret. That's another thing about Pisces season - don't make any life altering decisions. I'm highly doubtful I'm feeling emotional just because we're into the Pisces time frame - I honestly think a lot of things are coming up right now that I need to deal with and coincidentally, we happen to be under one of the most weepy, emotional Zodiac signs. Just like being a patient but vengeful bitch is only sort of related to me being a Cancer sun. However, I think the suggestions the astrologers I follow on Twitter are pretty sound for anyone who has been doing shadow work that has become overwhelming and has brought up some nasty parts of your identity that you thought were dead. 1. Meditate/Get some Solitude/Do Yoga, 2. Journal (especially document your dreams), 3. Go with the flow and take it easy, 4. Listen to your inner guidance, 5. Do something creative, and 6. Refrain from addictive substances.

Personally, it has been feeling like my entire body is breaking down and nobody realizes it except me. And yet I'm still pushing myself - yesterday, I ran even though I know I need to take it easy. It feels better to do something when you're carrying around all this weight, especially of the angry variety. It's pretty powerful - I've run for four straight hours before just because something pissed me off and I had a free afternoon. Meditation sounds good though. I've been lately meditating using the Hawaii'an mantra of forgiveness, Ho'oponopono - in English, the mantra is basically, "I'm sorry, Forgive Me, Thank you, I Love You." It helps. It truly does.

"Youngblood" by 5 Seconds of Summer

I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.

"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.

Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye

Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times

So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place

When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face

5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.

"Youngblood" Alternative Video

"Good Girls" by 5 Seconds of Summer

This song reminds me of myself. If you met me, you'd assume I'm a "good girl." I've been called a "goody two-shoes" and a "legal beagle" a lot in my life because I have a tendency to point out the rules. My dad has suggested several times that I should've been a lawyer. I probably would've been a good one because - here's the thing - you can't break the rules if you don't know what they are. And it's easier to get away with being bad when you look like an angel. 😈

Yep. I was actually a pretty bad kid when I was in high school and in college. Getting straight As wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't do my homework most of the time because I thought it was a waste of my time. Which it was - I'd ace tests all the time with zero studying. The only thing homework ever did for me is cut into my anime time. True story: My sophomore year of school, I had a geometry teacher who would walk around the classroom and check that we did the homework. So I would do enough questions in the 10 minutes before class to fill the top half of my paper and then cover up the bottom half of the page to hide that I didn't actually do the assignment. By the time I had started doing that in the third week of school, I had cemented my place as the top student in class so my teacher never thoroughly checked my work - she just assumed I did it and moved onto the next person. Which is how I became friends with Carlos, who was super cool and played guitar. He was impressed my ingenuity and deviousness.

I wish I could say that this was the worst of my bad behavior but I'd be lying. I have way too many of these stories. For example, one night, I told my mom I was going over to Rae's house to watch movies but we actually went to this dive bar called The Peanut Gallery. It was as dirty as you're imagining. We were supposed to be meeting this 22-year-old she was talking to on the Internet but she decided against introducing herself when she saw him. Instead, we watched the screamo band that was playing and our other friend, Jen, got the lead singer's phone number. Could we have died that night? Possibly. I do not recommend going to meet strangers you only talk to on the Internet. Luckily, the guy had no idea what Rae looked like, so we could play dumb. I ended up breaking up with that guy over instant messenger for Rae. Because, apparently, I'm good at breaking up with people when I'm not one of the people involved. She had me break up with a few people, actually. In my defense, though, I would also deliver her "I like you" notes when she was too chicken to do it herself. In fact, I jumped off a 6-foot-wall once delivering one - I landed on my feet and then promptly fell onto the gravel and cut up my hands pretty bad.

She's a good girl

She's Daddy's favorite

He's saved for Harvard

He know she'll make it

She's good at school

She's never truant

She can speak French

I think she's fluent

'Cause every night she studies hard in her room

At least that's what her parents assume

But she sneaks out the window to meet with her boyfriend

Here's what she told me the time that I caught 'em

She said to me:

"Forget what you thought

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught

So just turn around and forget what you saw

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught"

I do stupid stuff, sometimes, did I mention that? This is a common problem with Gryffindors - we follow our hearts and not our heads. We have a strong sense of right and wrong - and firmly believe that, sometimes you have to break the rules to do what feels right. Good people don't necessarily have good histories and a squeaky clean reputation doesn't always mean that a person has good intentions. The boundaries that society builds for us aren't always the right ones. Unfortunately, those are the hardest to break away from. I was thinking about Hermione this morning. I feel that she was the most Gryffindor out of the trio. I know there are some people (*cough*Ravenclaws*cough*) that disagree but hear me out! She didn't believe knowledge was the end-all-be-all for life - she believed that knowledge was a tool to make the world better for everybody. It really pissed me off that they cut out the SPEW plotline. I understand that, in the grand scheme of things, that plotline was probably not very important but it was essential for understanding why Hermione is a Gryffindor and not a Ravenclaw. Because she saw what she felt was an injustice and she took action. And she stood up for what she believed in, even though her friends thought she was crazy, even though the wider Wizard society thought the status quo was just fine. I think people ignore this because we all love Hermione so much but....the bitch did some stupid shit without putting much critical thought into it. Think about it - she was the one who was like "Hey, I stole a bunch of ingredients to make a complicated potion that we're going to brew in the girls bathroom in broad daylight and - oh, by the way - it's all so we can ask Malfoy one question." Hermione is the only one who actually punched Malfoy in the face. And, let's not forget - she's the one who suggested starting the illegal Fight Club that evolved into Dumbledore's Army. Girl is a troublemaker....and that's why I love her. It takes courage to follow your heart and take actions that seem unconventional or ill-planned, even if the chances of failure are high. Fuck it. Especially if the chance of failure is high. Those are the type of people who move the story forward.

Anyway, I know I got hella ranty today. Sorry. I'm in a mood today - just annoyed at myself, I guess. Or psyching myself up to do something stupid. Or just talking to myself because it makes me feel better to get my thoughts down instead of keeping them bottled up. Even when it seems like I'm going crazy, sometimes, but - after proofreading the above rant - all my thoughts seem coherent and reasonably well-conveyed so I think we're good.

"Good Girls" Video