"Crazy in Love - Remix" by Beyonce

 For Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share one of my favorite songs from my "Sexy Dancing with Myself" playlist (Did you get the reference?), which is the playlist I like to use when I'm practicing my S-factor moves. From a book, since taking an in-person class is still pretty risky right now. As you may have guessed, today's post is a Song du Jour entry, so I'll be rambling about whatever the fuck I want. And today, my friends, that's the insanity being sparked by the stellium in Aquarius squaring Uranus in Taurus. 

A lot has been said about what Uranus in Taurus will bring. As an Earth sign, Taurus is all about stability. Being a Venus-ruled sign, it's related to a lot of things - finances, luxury, self-love, beauty. But, when I think of Earth signs, it brings to mind sensuality. The element of Earth is all about the physical world. Our Earth sign friends are often considered unsexy - they are usually stubborn, often cold, and are considered calculating and critical. However - for the right person - Earth placements are can be incredibly sensual and sexual. Like Water placements, they are a feminine/receptive duality - yin energy is associated with wildness and pleasure, and Earth is closely associated with what happens when the emotional becomes physical. As such, Earth signs, when deep in love, often take on the more watery aspects of their opposing sign. Analytical Virgo can be as imaginative and playful as a Pisces when they've fallen for someone; Independent Taurus has near Scorpionic devotion to their partner; and Chilly Capricorn takes on downright Cancerian qualities of hopeless romanticism and affection when they've found their soulmate. Beyonce herself is a Virgo Queen and that's what this song is about. A girl who had it all figured out feels out of control once she finds her match. She is "Crazy in Love." 

I look and stare so deep in your eyes

I touch on you more and more every time

But that is not what this post is about, my friends. This post is about what happens when Uranus is causing havoc in a Venus-ruled sign, especially when that sign is Taurus. Venus-ruled Libra is the intellectual side of love - deep conversations, friendship, quality time - as well as the more traditional aspects of Victorian Romanticism (roses, hearts, etc.). Taurus, on the other hand, is about the more physically grounded aspects of Venus - combining assets and finances, buying things together, cooking and eating together, and sex/physical intimacy. When Uranus charts its path through Taurus, these are the things that are going to be shaken up. I always picture Earth signs as being very honest and direct and -especially with Taurus - authenticity is key for surviving this transit. I'm going to lay it out there with my predictions and say that one of the big things we're in for, especially with all these rough transits, is another sexual revolution. One thing I've noticed being purged from the collective unconscious in recent years is shame and dishonesty surrounding sexuality. People are more openly considering nontraditional partnership situations, like polyamory and swinging, as well as experimenting more in the bedroom.

When you leave, I'm begging you not to go

Call your name two, three times in a row

It's not all fun and games, though. We're also taking a deep look at what "consent" means and cracking down on gendered harassment. There's been an increase in reversed gender roles at home, with more women identifying as the breadwinner for their family as well as an increase in the number of men calling themselves "house-husbands" (which includes my own situation). Uranus transiting through a Venus-ruled sign was usually accompanied by changes in women's roles. During Uranus in Libra (1968-1975), we had the official "Sexual Revolution," which was marked by the landmark Roe v Wade decision and the rise of Second-Wave Feminism. The last time Uranus was in Taurus (1934-1942), women entered the workforce in droves to fill in for men during WWII. During this time, women also had opportunities to make their mark on science, academic, and military progress. It is important to note that Hedy Lamarr - at the time, the Most Beautiful Woman Alive - invented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology that would later serve as the basis for Bluetooth. If it seems like the women in your life have a lot going on, it's because they do.

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain

How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame

On a more personal note regarding Uranus in Taurus, I've found myself returning to things I've always been interested in, but it always felt like it was inappropriate to mention. Like pin-up art and burlesque performance, sex magick, tantra, witchcraft, and a preference for embracing my femininity and feminine beauty. Taurus rules my 12th House, which rules over what's hidden - these happen to be things I've always kept to myself. Those things are needed now to bring balance. A lot of those topics have been demonized and repressed into the collective shadow - it's only natural that they're popping back up to be reintegrated. Again, the solution is balance. The collective - and the individuals within the collective - need to embrace both healthy femininity and a healthy masculinity in order to thrive. End rant.

'Cause I know I don't understand

Just how your love can do what no one else can

I chose this song because I think it sounds sexy. There's a reason it's one of the themes for the "Fifty Shades of Grey" films. I know it says "remix" but I actually would consider it more of an "alternate version" as Beyonce completely rerecorded "Crazy in Love" for the film to create a darker, more sensual sounding song (the movie is a soft-core BDSM romance, after all). The original version borrows the hook from classic 70s soul and is a lot bouncier and more upbeat. Personally, I prefer the "Remix" as I think the sound fits my interpretation of the lyrics, which is that - for that one person - you kind of lose your mind a little bit. You act completely out of character and it makes no sense, but you're just.....carried away and consumed by waves of desire. The slowed-down version sounds a bit more tortured, more hesitant, more unsure of the outcome. Yes, we know she marries Jay-Z in the end but, for a moment there, Queen Bey was all over the place. 

"Crazy in Love - Remix" Video

Album Review: "Flowers for Vases//descansos" by Hayley Williams

Cover Art for "Flowers for Vases//descansos"

Hayley Williams released her second solo album, "Flowers for Vases//descansos" this past Friday, 5 February 2021. A video of the audio for one of the songs on the album showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Since it was just the audio, they were using the cover artwork as the thumbnail and that's what truly drew me in. I found it sensual and evocative. The cover features a feminine body (probably Williams) immersed in water, with the water swirling from shades of deep magenta and hot pink to a viscous white. That first song echoed something I have been feeling intensely, so much so that I decided to listen to the album on Spotify. This is one of those albums - for me - that appeared at precisely the exact time I needed it. I've been incredibly interested in healing modalities for various reasons (PPD, Complex-PTSD, general trauma recovery) and music therapy is one of those obvious tracks for me to explore, because it's been such a major tool in my own journey. Lately, artists have been releasing albums that are not only intensely personal, but also provide as much healing for the listener as they did for the artist making them. I think it's just that 2020 stirred up so much shit for everyone that we'll be working through those triggers deep into 2021 and beyond. I personally welcome music that helps me feel my own feelings, because I have a hard time doing that. I repress a lot of things, I put on a happy face for others because I think that's what they need (regardless of what I need), and so it's usually not apparent I'm in distress until things get really bad. Believe me - it's something I'm aware of and I'm working on.

This album is very much about memories and the unexpected grief they bring with them. The subtitle for this album - and the name of one of the tracks - is "descansos," which is a Spanish term for a memorial placed at the site of a violent and unexpected death. They are often seen at the site of fatal auto accidents. These are very common in New Mexico (as well as other places in the Southwest, particularly places with a large Hispanic population) and were a familiar site in my childhood. You can sort of hear that slightly Western influence in the songs on the album. Overall, the tone of the album was low-key, almost folksy - I could imagine Williams testing out the songs around a campfire, a flannel shirt protecting her from the desert winds. All the songs embody a different aspect of loneliness, the kind of loneliness you only get by ruminating on old memories, both good and bad. It is not clear what she is feeling this grief from. The songs could be interpreted as arising from a bad breakup (Williams got a divorce in 2017), a death of a loved one, or maybe she's just working through the pain she felt as a child during her own parents' divorce. It could be an amalgamation of all three. The songs are so amorphous, it seems as if Williams has left it to the listener to decide what memories this album elicits for them. Let's do a brief walkthrough of the songs on this album, hitting the highlights and my favorites (including the song that sparked this post) so you can get a feel for the musical journey you'll get if you decide to listen through.

First thing to go was the sound of his voice

These are the opening lyrics of this album. "First Thing to Go" captures that desperation you feel when you know you're forgetting pieces of a person and you're trying to hold on. Part of you knows it might be for the best, but you don't want to lose them completely. I mentioned this feeling a few posts ago. It reminds me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." You think things will be easier if you could just forget. But the good things disappear, too. Like the sound of their voice, the exact color of their eyes, the feel of their hands in yours. These sensory things that feel so memorable in the moment start to fade away. The final torture of time and distance, because you're present the whole time, aware that it's happening. Watching it slip through your hands, like so much water. Just for reference - because I can't help myself - Hayley's Chiron is in Cancer, directly opposite her Sun in Capricorn (she actually has a whole stellium in Cap - Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are all in the game). She's very aware of her wounds and this placement can definitely show up as protecting her pain out of sentimental nostalgia. 

After this, the album moves into "My Limb," easily the catchiest song and one of my favorites. The chorus is stuck in my head even now. The idea expressed is that, some people are so interconnected to you, it's like losing a limb when they're gone. Part of you would rather die ("bleed out" to use her imagery) than let go of them. To even let go of the memories of them. In amputations, there's this phenomena of phantom sensations. I think we get that for other things, too, especially with connections. Like with phones. If you're used to getting a lot of messages on your phone, you might hear rings or feel vibrations, but when you check your phone, there's nothing. It's a disconcerting feeling. Almost like you're losing your mind, because it's clear you're obviously imagining it.

If you gotta amputate, don't give me the tourniquet

You wish that I would run away, sever what isn't working

But I'll let my body bleed out, leaning to my left side

If your part of me is gone now, do I wanna survive?

The next song is called "Asystole." I had to google what that meant, so I'll share the meaning for your benefit - an asystole is the sound of the lack of a heartbeat. You may be more familiar with the term "flatlining." That's an asystole. The lyrics show her trying to convince herself she's better off without the person she's singing about. But, in reality, she feels dead and wants to be revived. The mind is trying to talk the heart out of what it knows. This leads very aptly into the next song, "Trigger." This is another one of those relationship post-mortem songs. Trying to figure out why this one person, this one relationship hurt so much. A lot of it comes down to our attachment style, our core wounds from childhood, and our expectations of Love. Most relationships will activate a couple of these things but at a manageable level. Once in a while, though, one relationship will activate all of them at once. These usually blow up pretty quickly, because time and distance is needed to work through the "triggers." Otherwise, you're just hurting each other.

'Cause I got the trigger, but you hold the gun

How come you never put the safety on?

Let's move forward to "Good Grief." This one hit hard. Not only does it most incorporate the Western undertones into the melody, but the lyrics are devastatingly honest about the physical side effects of grief. The opening lines are about not eating since the triggering event. Starvation is my go-to self-destructive behavior and when I'm severely depressed, I lose a lot of weight. During the first few weeks of PPD, I hardly ate. My first day out of the hospital after my second son was born, my dad and husband went out to get me one of my favorite meals - Tofu Pad Thai. What I used to be able to devour in one or two meals, I could barely eat a few bites. In fact, I barely ate at all the first month after giving birth. I don't want to go into the reasons why - all I can say is it didn't feel worth the trouble. To quote the song, "there's no such thing as good grief." But, it is necessary to move through grief when it's triggered, or else you get stuck at one of the stages. Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, Denial - or maybe you just keep waffling between all the stages. It's a process. And you have to keep going until you reach and can sustain Acceptance.

"KYRH" stands for "Keep You Right Here." This is the song I found on YouTube that pulled me into this musical journey. It's so fucking simple - only a few lines of lyrics, repeated in two verses. She allows the piano to fill in the rest. And that's how you know it's good poetry, when only a few words can elicit such emotional catharsis. You understand exactly how she's feeling. She's going to keep this person as close as she can, without crossing whatever line has been drawn. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Keep you right here where the line is

At my fingers, on the surface

Keep you right here where the line is

Keep you right here

The final song I'm going to bring to your attention is "No Use I Just Do." There's this thing I do, as a hopeless romantic - always striving to truly understand what love is. Especially with everything I've been learning about trauma bonds and attachment wounds and inner child healing, I went through a couple months not believing Love was a real thing. It seems all I see everywhere are wounded, broken people who are just afraid to be alone. They don't really care if it's love as long as someone is there. There was a point where it felt like I had a black hole where my heart should be. Again, this is where feeling my feelings (through embodiment practices) has become so vital. It has helped me to know how love feels like in my body (an overpowering warmth radiating from my heart). Because Love is not a mental thing - when it's real, it is inconvenient, it doesn't make sense, it can't really even be justified. It just is. It's just there and you don't know what to do with it. Especially when it has nowhere to go. Words can't describe it, it has to be felt. It's easy to find someone to fill in a space, but the heart is wiser than that. It knows where to go in those quiet moments. I love the chorus on this - it's like a mantra. And the hopeless romantic part of me wants to bathe in it forever, it's that beautiful.

If I just wanted someone to hold

Then really, anyone would do

I close my eyes and really try

Not to turn 'em into you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just do

My final recommendation - I highly encourage you to go give this album a listen because it's worth it. It's gorgeous all the way through. I found myself wishing the songs were longer and, in terms of length, it is a short listen at 42 minutes from start to finish. Going to share the audio video for "KYRH" as a taster. Enjoy!

"KYRH" Video