Album Review: "Flowers for Vases//descansos" by Hayley Williams

Cover Art for "Flowers for Vases//descansos"

Hayley Williams released her second solo album, "Flowers for Vases//descansos" this past Friday, 5 February 2021. A video of the audio for one of the songs on the album showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Since it was just the audio, they were using the cover artwork as the thumbnail and that's what truly drew me in. I found it sensual and evocative. The cover features a feminine body (probably Williams) immersed in water, with the water swirling from shades of deep magenta and hot pink to a viscous white. That first song echoed something I have been feeling intensely, so much so that I decided to listen to the album on Spotify. This is one of those albums - for me - that appeared at precisely the exact time I needed it. I've been incredibly interested in healing modalities for various reasons (PPD, Complex-PTSD, general trauma recovery) and music therapy is one of those obvious tracks for me to explore, because it's been such a major tool in my own journey. Lately, artists have been releasing albums that are not only intensely personal, but also provide as much healing for the listener as they did for the artist making them. I think it's just that 2020 stirred up so much shit for everyone that we'll be working through those triggers deep into 2021 and beyond. I personally welcome music that helps me feel my own feelings, because I have a hard time doing that. I repress a lot of things, I put on a happy face for others because I think that's what they need (regardless of what I need), and so it's usually not apparent I'm in distress until things get really bad. Believe me - it's something I'm aware of and I'm working on.

This album is very much about memories and the unexpected grief they bring with them. The subtitle for this album - and the name of one of the tracks - is "descansos," which is a Spanish term for a memorial placed at the site of a violent and unexpected death. They are often seen at the site of fatal auto accidents. These are very common in New Mexico (as well as other places in the Southwest, particularly places with a large Hispanic population) and were a familiar site in my childhood. You can sort of hear that slightly Western influence in the songs on the album. Overall, the tone of the album was low-key, almost folksy - I could imagine Williams testing out the songs around a campfire, a flannel shirt protecting her from the desert winds. All the songs embody a different aspect of loneliness, the kind of loneliness you only get by ruminating on old memories, both good and bad. It is not clear what she is feeling this grief from. The songs could be interpreted as arising from a bad breakup (Williams got a divorce in 2017), a death of a loved one, or maybe she's just working through the pain she felt as a child during her own parents' divorce. It could be an amalgamation of all three. The songs are so amorphous, it seems as if Williams has left it to the listener to decide what memories this album elicits for them. Let's do a brief walkthrough of the songs on this album, hitting the highlights and my favorites (including the song that sparked this post) so you can get a feel for the musical journey you'll get if you decide to listen through.

First thing to go was the sound of his voice

These are the opening lyrics of this album. "First Thing to Go" captures that desperation you feel when you know you're forgetting pieces of a person and you're trying to hold on. Part of you knows it might be for the best, but you don't want to lose them completely. I mentioned this feeling a few posts ago. It reminds me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." You think things will be easier if you could just forget. But the good things disappear, too. Like the sound of their voice, the exact color of their eyes, the feel of their hands in yours. These sensory things that feel so memorable in the moment start to fade away. The final torture of time and distance, because you're present the whole time, aware that it's happening. Watching it slip through your hands, like so much water. Just for reference - because I can't help myself - Hayley's Chiron is in Cancer, directly opposite her Sun in Capricorn (she actually has a whole stellium in Cap - Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are all in the game). She's very aware of her wounds and this placement can definitely show up as protecting her pain out of sentimental nostalgia. 

After this, the album moves into "My Limb," easily the catchiest song and one of my favorites. The chorus is stuck in my head even now. The idea expressed is that, some people are so interconnected to you, it's like losing a limb when they're gone. Part of you would rather die ("bleed out" to use her imagery) than let go of them. To even let go of the memories of them. In amputations, there's this phenomena of phantom sensations. I think we get that for other things, too, especially with connections. Like with phones. If you're used to getting a lot of messages on your phone, you might hear rings or feel vibrations, but when you check your phone, there's nothing. It's a disconcerting feeling. Almost like you're losing your mind, because it's clear you're obviously imagining it.

If you gotta amputate, don't give me the tourniquet

You wish that I would run away, sever what isn't working

But I'll let my body bleed out, leaning to my left side

If your part of me is gone now, do I wanna survive?

The next song is called "Asystole." I had to google what that meant, so I'll share the meaning for your benefit - an asystole is the sound of the lack of a heartbeat. You may be more familiar with the term "flatlining." That's an asystole. The lyrics show her trying to convince herself she's better off without the person she's singing about. But, in reality, she feels dead and wants to be revived. The mind is trying to talk the heart out of what it knows. This leads very aptly into the next song, "Trigger." This is another one of those relationship post-mortem songs. Trying to figure out why this one person, this one relationship hurt so much. A lot of it comes down to our attachment style, our core wounds from childhood, and our expectations of Love. Most relationships will activate a couple of these things but at a manageable level. Once in a while, though, one relationship will activate all of them at once. These usually blow up pretty quickly, because time and distance is needed to work through the "triggers." Otherwise, you're just hurting each other.

'Cause I got the trigger, but you hold the gun

How come you never put the safety on?

Let's move forward to "Good Grief." This one hit hard. Not only does it most incorporate the Western undertones into the melody, but the lyrics are devastatingly honest about the physical side effects of grief. The opening lines are about not eating since the triggering event. Starvation is my go-to self-destructive behavior and when I'm severely depressed, I lose a lot of weight. During the first few weeks of PPD, I hardly ate. My first day out of the hospital after my second son was born, my dad and husband went out to get me one of my favorite meals - Tofu Pad Thai. What I used to be able to devour in one or two meals, I could barely eat a few bites. In fact, I barely ate at all the first month after giving birth. I don't want to go into the reasons why - all I can say is it didn't feel worth the trouble. To quote the song, "there's no such thing as good grief." But, it is necessary to move through grief when it's triggered, or else you get stuck at one of the stages. Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, Denial - or maybe you just keep waffling between all the stages. It's a process. And you have to keep going until you reach and can sustain Acceptance.

"KYRH" stands for "Keep You Right Here." This is the song I found on YouTube that pulled me into this musical journey. It's so fucking simple - only a few lines of lyrics, repeated in two verses. She allows the piano to fill in the rest. And that's how you know it's good poetry, when only a few words can elicit such emotional catharsis. You understand exactly how she's feeling. She's going to keep this person as close as she can, without crossing whatever line has been drawn. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Keep you right here where the line is

At my fingers, on the surface

Keep you right here where the line is

Keep you right here

The final song I'm going to bring to your attention is "No Use I Just Do." There's this thing I do, as a hopeless romantic - always striving to truly understand what love is. Especially with everything I've been learning about trauma bonds and attachment wounds and inner child healing, I went through a couple months not believing Love was a real thing. It seems all I see everywhere are wounded, broken people who are just afraid to be alone. They don't really care if it's love as long as someone is there. There was a point where it felt like I had a black hole where my heart should be. Again, this is where feeling my feelings (through embodiment practices) has become so vital. It has helped me to know how love feels like in my body (an overpowering warmth radiating from my heart). Because Love is not a mental thing - when it's real, it is inconvenient, it doesn't make sense, it can't really even be justified. It just is. It's just there and you don't know what to do with it. Especially when it has nowhere to go. Words can't describe it, it has to be felt. It's easy to find someone to fill in a space, but the heart is wiser than that. It knows where to go in those quiet moments. I love the chorus on this - it's like a mantra. And the hopeless romantic part of me wants to bathe in it forever, it's that beautiful.

If I just wanted someone to hold

Then really, anyone would do

I close my eyes and really try

Not to turn 'em into you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just do

My final recommendation - I highly encourage you to go give this album a listen because it's worth it. It's gorgeous all the way through. I found myself wishing the songs were longer and, in terms of length, it is a short listen at 42 minutes from start to finish. Going to share the audio video for "KYRH" as a taster. Enjoy!

"KYRH" Video

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley

First off, I am going to admit that, initially, I wasn't going to do a song for Christmas this year. Sorry to be a Scrooge but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I've told multiple people as much. I'm doing presents for my babies, because I love them and they deserve a reprieve from the general dreariness of this year, but everyone else can fuck off. I didn't even do gifts for my team, because half of them can't be in the office anyway (we're still doing partial telework). I haven't decorated - instead of putting up a tree, we piled all the presents on the coffee table - and, while dinner will be a little better than usual, the meal I'm planning isn't necessarily something I wouldn't make on a normal weekday. I'm not sure I even want to drive around and look at Christmas lights, which is one of my favorite things. To top it off, it's been unseasonably warm, even for Central Texas. I haven't lived anywhere that would normally have a "white christmas" since I was about 7-years-old, but even in the Southwest, it would be a little chilly out by now. So, no, it just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. And I'm not going to pretend it does, beyond what I want to do for my family.

And when those blue snowflakes start falling

That's when those blue memories start calling

You'll be doing all right

With your Christmas of white

But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

I was thinking about this song this week, though. I don't know why. Don't get me wrong - I love Elvis but I'm also in the camp that believes "All I Want For Christmas is You" is the greatest Christmas song ever made (it is - don't argue with me). However, I think I did "All I Want For Christmas is You" in a previous year and I don't like to repeat myself. It's a waste of perfectly good Internet. No, I was thinking about "Blue Christmas" because it was the first song I can remember performing in front of people. Like a lot of people - a whole elementary school cafeteria full of people! I was about 9-years-old and I had to perform it (along with the rest of my fourth grade class) for a holiday pageant. This morning, my mother texted the family group chat, declaring that she "remember[s] when Jessica sang Blue Christmas at her school concert." And it's times like this when I wonder if my thoughts are on broadcast for the whole world to hear.

I still know all the words to "Blue Christmas" and can mimic that classic Elvis twang in my sleep. But, at the heart of it, it's a sad Christmas song. It's about not feeling like it's Christmas at all because you can't be with your loved one(s), and it's a sentiment I think a lot of people understand this year. Those people who are trying to be responsible and maintain social distancing measures, at least. I will be doing the now traditional holiday Zoom call with my family. At this point, we've all become skilled at having fun, together but separately. But for someone who has "touch" as one of their primary love languages, it's a poor substitute. And while I'll probably be rehashing this rant with my therapist next week, all I can do now is accept that I'll have a blue - blue, blue, blue - Christmas. But I hope whoever reads this has/had a lovely, safe holiday. Merry Christmas.

"Blue Christmas" Video

"Better When I'm Dancin'" by Meghan Trainor

 Today, we have a penumbral lunar eclipse in Gemini, the first of a series of eclipses occurring on my Ascendant. It also marks the start of the final eclipse season for 2020 and we're almost out of the battle royale in Capricorn, as Jupiter and Saturn will be making their way into Aquarius really soon (mid-late December). Congratulations! You've survived 2020! Perhaps celebrating is premature but things are starting to get better, even if we can't see them. As we know, eclipses portend major changes in the House they fall in our natal chart. As a Gemini Rising, this series of eclipses (as eclipses fall near the lunar nodes, which change approximately every 1.5 years) will be making aspects in my first and seventh Houses - the House of Self and the House of Partnerships. At the begin of the COVID Crisis, I watched a really interesting astrology webinar that posited that, aside from being the House of Partnerships, the 7th House contains our Shadow. I felt there might be something to that, because we often are triggered (i.e., attracted or repulsed) by traits we are repressing. For example, I've always been attracted to charismatic people. My best friend in high school often said my "type" was the loudest guy in the room - and that has been so true. Up until recently, because as I've integrated my Shadow more and became more of my authentic self, I've found that I can be quite charismatic and charming, too. Often when I'm not even aware of it - well, duh, it's my Shadow. To reach Maslow's ideal state of "self-actualization," you have to fully integrate the Shadow into the Self.

Don't think about it

Just move your body

Listen to the music

Sing, oh, ey, oh

Just move those left feet

Go ahead, get crazy

Anyone can do it

Sing, oh, ey, oh

I've been feeling much better - not depressed by my standards anymore - but I plan to continue counseling because there's clearly a lot of stuff I still need to work on. Mostly around meeting and communicating my own needs, desires, and boundaries. I have a tendency to slip into codependent behaviors - giving to much of myself (in an attempt to feel worthy and avoid rejection/abandonment) without considering (or noticing) if others are reciprocating. My mindset in the past has been "if I do more, then the other person will do more." And that's simply not true. You have to ask for what you want and the other person will (1) make an honest effort to meet your request fully or (2) they won't and you have to ask someone else. And you have to be prepared to accept their response at face value, even if it's disappointing. No making up narratives about how "they really want to but they can't for some reason." Yes, being generous, caring, and helpful is in my nature, but I'm learning I need to be more discerning in who deserves my time and energy. With one month left (and it's sure to be just as eventful), I'm grateful for this year. It's unveiled the cracks in the foundation of how I deal with life and I'm finally in a place to start patching those up. So when the next baby (or other life changing circumstance) comes along, I can cope better with whatever craziness it triggers.

Show the world you've got that fire (fire)

Feel the rhythm getting louder

Show the room what you can do

Prove to them you got the moves

I don't know about you,

My favorite YouTube astrologer, Wondergirl (yeah...I don't know her real name...I think it might be Britney?) has been framing the Saturn - Pluto conjunction in Capricorn this year as huge transformational energy. Although it was only exact on January 12th, it's been in a loose conjunction since April 2019. Wondergirl says that, since that time, we've been trying to change our lives in ways we haven't been able to for the last 35 years. For some people, like myself, that's my whole life! And yeah, I've just realized in the last year that I've been mistaking codependency and repression for kindness, loyalty, and love - and it's really not fucking working for me. It never has. The same things that attract all those "pure of heart" people I've mentioned also attracts some really shitty people. And I never see it coming. I always get it wrong, because I want to believe the best in people. Weirdly enough, I have a tendency to keep the best people at a distance. There's a better song to analyze those issues, though. Long story short - I have been trying to fundamentally change my life since last April. Maybe I haven't been aware of it the whole time but I have been.

But I feel better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

Better when I'm dancing, yeah, yeah

And we can do this together

I bet you feel better when you're dancing, yeah, yeah

Stale approaches to how we used to solve our problems just aren't going to cut it anymore, so we have to take a leap of faith into the great unknown. It's uncomfortable but it's necessary. A lot of people are excited to "get back to normal" when the vaccine starts rolling out next year but - let's face it - the old normal was shitty. Why would you want to go back to that? Because it's familiar? Because it's easy? Because it's less scary? Because you've invested so much time into that way of life? No, none of those are good reasons. When you know better, you do better. If you keep doing things the same way - accepting the same situations, following the same patterns, attracting the same people - expecting different results, the fault is on you when you're unhappy. Regardless of whether you believe in astrology, I think that's a good way of looking at downturns in life. Every day is an opportunity to grow into the person you were meant to be. I've transformed into a million different people in my life thus far (total Gemini Rising thing) yet, somehow, I'm even more myself than ever. Weird.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" was featured in the "Peanuts Movie," and that's the only notable thing about this song. It's fun and it makes me feel happy. So much so that I've added it to my "Party Like It's the End of the World" playlist on Spotify. Yes, I spend more time thinking about what my playlists should be named than picking out the songs featured in them. Trying to keep this energy as my first day back at work is tomorrow. As is custom, this post is set to be published at the time of the eclipse.

"Better When I'm Dancin'" Video

"Hand Me Down" by Matchbox 20

 I fell into a Matchbox 20 hole recently which, in my book, is a pretty good hole to fall in. I'm just now realizing how much my tastes at 15-years-old were those of a 30-year-old man. Makes sense, because that's the only demographic that seemed to really matter to music execs during that time, before they realized how much money teenaged girls actually have to spend. Cue the rise (and subsequent market domination) of pop music, Taylor Swift, and every Disney Channel/Nickelodeon starlet churning out an album. Matchbox 20's 2002 album, "More Than You Think You Are," was on constant repeat in my Walkman. I listened to this album so much that my favorite songs were all scratched up and skipped horribly by the time I made the transition to an mp3 player. As I was listening to the album again, I was reminded how brilliant the songs on this album were, how vulnerable the lyrics Rob Thomas and other band members were writing during this time. Released at the height of their popularity, it's an underrated album - it wasn't as successful as their previous albums and was probably the start of their gradual decent into late 90s/early 00s playlists. But it meant something to me.

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue

Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you

Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to

Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth

They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say

They're gonna break your heart, yeah

I'm in the process of reading several psychology books and watching a lot of therapy-related YouTube videos - a process commonly called "self-healing," which has become popular in spiritual communities. For good reason, of course. A lot of what holds us back is based in the pain we hold on to. The false beliefs we still don't realize are defense mechanisms and excuses for not moving forward. And dedication to protecting our core wounds rather than facing them head on to really examine where they come from. Because it hurts. I know it hurts. I'm reading this book called "Inner Bonding" by Dr. Margaret Paul. Inner Bonding is a therapy methodology she developed for her patients to work with their Inner Child. It's very closely related to the idea of reparenting, in which you become the parent you wish you had when you were actually a child. Some may write it off as hippie nonsense, but most of the work is cultivating self-compassion, self-validation, learning how to meet your own emotional needs, and listening to your inner voice. Something people with healthy levels of self-esteem and who recognize their self-worth already know how to do. Spoiler alert: There's actually not very many of those people. There's a lot of reasons for that, many of which are rooted in our culture, societal expectations, and ancestral trauma, but that's a rant for another day.

Somebody ought to take you in

Try to make you love again

Try to make you like the way they feel

When they're under your skin

Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you

You wonder why they haven't called

When they said they'd call you

You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by

You'll start to think you were born blind

After reading all this stuff and going through my own journey, I've found I don't really have sustained negative feelings towards others. Even people who have hurt me - I may have a flash of anger in the moment but I calm down quick, especially if I have a minute to myself. I'm able to remember who I want to be, remember that I'm interconnected with this other person, and I don't know what their struggle has been like. We only see the situation from our perspective, through our lens of hurt. The weird thing about Inner Child work is the more you focus on your own Child, you start to see other people as a reflection of their Inner Child, and it becomes easier to be a more compassionate adult. There's a common saying in the counseling community: "Hurt people hurt people." While it's often said as a warning about getting involved with others, it's also a reminder to address your own wounds first, so you don't unintentionally hurt others. It stops you from saying that clever-yet-hurtful zinger during drinks with coworker or raising your voice in anger when your child disobeys you or crossing someone's boundaries because it felt like rejection to you. Things we often do without thinking, because we're on autopilot. Mindfulness and therapy get you off autopilot and the world is a better place for it. And yes, that's a hill I'm willing to die on.

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

This song could be imagined from the point of view of an old boyfriend singing to a girl who has gone off to find her place in the world. I, however, have always thought of it as being sung to the girl by someone she's imagining, like an imaginary friend or perhaps her Inner Adult. I was sparked by something Dr. Paul said in her book. When we are weeping and in distress, we often long for someone to comfort us - the Ideal Partner or Perfect Parent - and are often disappointed when the person cast in that role either doesn't show up in the desired way or doesn't show up at all. She goes on to say we have to be that comfort for ourselves - we have to be willing to show up for ourselves, to say "I'm here and I won't leave you in your time of need."

So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I like to think I'm really easy to calm down when I'm upset. All I want, all I'm looking for, is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. It seems simple, until you have to cross the ocean of human complexity. Most people aren't equipped to understand that - they are too lost in their own trauma and act in ways they don't fully understand. Often, they react out of fear - fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure. That's when the inner bonding process helps. You have to be the person who validates your experiences, who tries to soothe your pain. The person who affirms you didn't deserve to be screamed at or hit for making a small mistake; you didn't deserve to be ignored and neglected; that you have a right to your feelings and thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it might make others. I like to read the comments on the videos I watch while I listen to whatever I'm learning. Lately, it's just hard because when people share their stories, my heart goes out to them. I'm sorry someone is treating you/treated you so horribly. I'm sorry that person is your parent, your spouse, your sibling, or your friend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are loving and compassionate all the time, not when it's convenient for them. I can't tell that to everyone, but based what I'm understanding from Dr. Paul's work, I can start with myself and work outward from there.

I didn't understand it at the time but "Hand Me Down" was what I played when I needed to feel comforted. When I was feeling particularly isolated and sad, like when I found myself hiding in a closet. I don't think I pictured anyone in particular singing it to me, it was just the lyrics. It sounded like the girl Rob Thomas was singing to wanted to be an actress and, at 15-years-old, I very much related to that. I don't want to be an actress anymore - I loved it at the time and I learned so many lessons from it, but I realized pretty quickly that, even though I had the talent, I didn't have the level of passion needed to make it. And that's what you really need to pull through when you're feeling rejected and not good enough. You have to have a passion for your own dreams, your own vision of your life. And when even that's not working, there's songs like this to get you through those rough nights. I hope someone out there finds comfort in it. 

"Hand Me Down" Video

"If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

This is a somewhat overdramatic look at how far my anxiety can go if left unchecked. At my last prenatal appointment, I asked for information about doing a Trial of Labor after Cesarean (TOLAC). They gave me a list of the risks, complications, and statistics for attempting a TOLAC vs electing to have a repeat C-section. I didn't have a full on panic attack but for a minute, I did think I was going to faint so I had to get up and move while take deep breaths. Considering I was waiting to get my blood drawn for the glucose test, it would've been embarrassing for the phlebotomist to find me passed out on the floor. Once I got out of the building and regained my composure (the smell of fresh Indian food helps), the internal analysis began.

Why such a dramatic reaction to a fairly standard explanation of the risks, most of which I already knew about from my own research? I think, in that moment, the decision and the potential consequences of my decision became real. It wasn't just a list of facts, it was the possible outcomes of my future - it was what could happen to me and my baby if things go wrong, how it might affect my ability to have another child (because I'm not 100% sure that I'm done with having kids after this one), and what happens to my family if the worst of the worst-case-scenarios happens. This shouldn't have to be said but pregnancy isn't all sunshine and rainbows. The United States has one of the worst maternal mortality rates in the developed world, especially among women of color, a fact evidenced by the increase of articles on the subject in recent years (one of the main reasons stepping away from Twitter has been really helpful for me these past couple weeks - with the influx of COVID cases, articles about women dying during or shortly after childbirth have become more frequent).

If I die young bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

To be clear, I've had time to consider both options. Both have their benefits and risks and one is not inherently more dangerous than the other based on the research. And since this pregnancy is considered low-risk (I had gestational diabetes with my first born), I'm probably a good candidate for attempting a TOLAC, depending on what my doctor can tell me about my first C-section. But then I have these other worries going on in the background - like the fact that scheduling a repeat C-section can guarantee my parents will be in town to take care of my son and I won't risk having to give birth alone. This has been one of my greatest concerns during this whole COVID business and it has felt like I've had to deal with everything on my own this time because of the restrictions. With my first, my husband went with me to almost every appointment up until the third trimester, when they became too frequent for him to reasonably take time off from work. This time, he wasn't even able to go to the 20-week ultrasound, which is the one thing most husbands go to. Which brings up another concern - on one hand, I want the option that gets me out of the hospital quickest to avoid potential COVID infection for me and my newborn. On the other hand, I don't want to be put in a situation that may require emergency surgery, when hospital staffing is already stressed.

And there are the additional factors to take into account. It's 2020, which I wouldn't say is anybody's lucky year. It certainly hasn't been mine. Even if I go with what I think is the "safer choice," I still might die, despite the low probability. And the astrology around my due date is the shittiest we'll see all year. I'm due the day Mercury goes retrograde, Venus will be in Virgo (where it's in its Fall), Mars will be retrograde, Saturn is in Capricorn conjunct Pluto and Jupiter, and in a loose square to Mars. All the astrological thugs are in the mix (and Jupiter serves as the Great Instigator). And both Saturn and Mars will be in their domiciles, where their effects are strongest, so a square is like a cage-fight where no one wins. When he's born, this poor kid will probably have most chaotic birth chart I've ever seen. Maybe it's silly to consider the astrology but the more I learn about it, the more things make sense. The only bright spot and hopeful sign I've gotten is that when I asked the tarot what the outcome would be, I got the Queen of Wands, which I interpreted as I'm capable of manifesting a successful outcome, even in the worst of conditions, if I set my mind to it. This has always been my philosophy and it helped to remind me that, even if I'm not the luckiest person, I'm also far from being the unluckiest person. In fact, I've always felt the Universe was on my side most of the time and the time's when I felt it wasn't, things worked out in the end. However, there's still an internal struggle I'm working through to combat my fears.

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom

I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger

I've never known the lovin' of a man

But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever

Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life,

Well I've had just enough time

I've made my peace with Death but that doesn't mean I'm ready to go or that I want to. I've got a lot of things I have to finish, the most important of which is raising my son(s). My oldest is the best thing in my life. I fall in love with him every morning, even when he's being stubborn or bossy or moody (which is at least half my fault, especially the bossy part). He's always doing something unexpectedly smart or sweet. For example, he has a little vTech phone my dad got him for his birthday and he has a recording app on it. I recently realized that, when he's not recording himself doing funny voices or screaming, his favorite thing to record is my voice. He's recorded dozens of files of me laughing or talking. And the other day, I was singing while cooking dinner and he ran to get his phone so he could make recordings of me singing showtunes and early 90s ballads. It was sweet but, afterwards, it made me sad because I started thinking, "What happens if I die and these become his only memories of me?" I know it's morbid and I'm trying not to ruminate on it so much, but I've been really scared and in a dark place since the beginning of this pregnancy.

On the plus side, I looked through my benefits and realized I do have a small amount of life insurance, so my husband won't be completely fucked if I die. He'll be able to manage long enough to sell the house and get on his feet, especially with my parents added help. Again, morbid but comforting. One less thing I have to worry about. After doing my own research - reading a couple books and scientific articles as well as watching/reading other women's stories - and talking to my husband about our options, I'm feeling a lot more confident now about my plan (and backup plan). It helps I got some added encouragement from my dad and older sister saying I'll make the best the best choice for my family. I've always had a strong internal locus of control and I'm not very easy to sway once I've decide on something, usually, although new information will give me pause for consideration. I'm not unreasonable and when a decision does have high risk and affects anyone other than myself, that's when inner fears start to creep in. It's very easy to get lost in self-doubt when you don't have a supportive group of friends and family. Or worse, if you have friends and family who actively cause you to doubt yourself and your choices (in which case, you should probably be questioning their place in your life). But, ultimately, I'm the one who has to decide, so I have about 10 weeks to get my fears in order.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

I chose this song because I think it's sweet. I love the singer's voice - she sounds so young but the lyrics are so wise. "If I Die Young" is about living while you're alive, because that's all you get. The best gift you can give another is your presence, which has been another benefit of deleting Instagram and Twitter - I've spent a lot more time paying attention to my son and my husband. And myself. One thing this song does remind me of, though, is the movie trope of The Dying Girl. She lives in the same realm as The Beautiful Sad Girl and the Manic-Pixie-Dream Girl. When she shows up, her purpose is to give the flawed male protagonist perspective on life, so that he appreciates it more and her death serves to help him reach self-actualization. Yes, it's bullshit but it's a real writing cliche that's grown popular in recent years. My favorite example is "A Walk to Remember" - for a moment, we get to believe Mandy Moore is going to live and marry the man she's changed for the better. But, no, her leukemia comes out of remission and she only lives for a short time after she gets married. And while I know it happens - people marry their dying lovers all the time and it's treated as this beautiful, romantic occasion - it takes a level of strength I don't think most people have. To go into a romance, knowing it's doomed, and when it's over, you'll be left with all this pain, trauma, and a broken heart but not much else other than a few happy memories. Not even the hope you'll be together again in this life because this life ended for them. And that's where I'll stop, because this post was already too depressing when I chose this song.

"If I Die Young" Video

"Name" by The Goo Goo Dolls

As I've mentioned many times before, I use music to cope with a lot of things. I allow it to shape my emotional landscape, changing it as it needs to, letting the lyrics and notes seep into my soul - hopefully to transform it into something even more beautiful. I listen to NF and My Chemical Romance to sort out my inner rage issues and form a deeper understanding of how the more unfortunate times in my life have made me the person I am. I listen to Hanson and the Spice Girls to get in touch with my Inner Child and remember the joy I shared with old friends. To honor the little girl I used to be. When I've had a rough day at work, I listen to Spotify's "This is Taylor Swift" playlist to cheer me up....and sometimes to put me in the right mindset on the commute to work - a commute I miss having because it was a slow 20 minutes that let me sit with myself for a moment and just be. Taylor Swift has a song for every kind of heartache - more on that later in Cancer season. Lately, the Universe has been telling me to just be still - something I'm not very good at, most of the time. I'm the type of person who likes to fill my day with projects and people, working and learning. Constantly keeping my mind going. Meditation has helped with that. So has waking up in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling fan, an impromptu form of meditation in its own right.

And even though the moment passed me by

I still can't turn away

'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose

Got tossed along the way

And letters that you never meant to send

Get lost or thrown away

"Name" is a song that provides me that "be still" energy and just accept the thoughts that float in. The lyrics are rather philosophical and pensive. Because the lyrics can be vague, I looked up the song meaning. Johnny Rzeznik wrote it about his past - his parents both died when he was young and his father was an alcoholic. In it, he reflects on his journey - the people he is singing to are his older sisters, who raised him. The feeling behind it is one of immense gratitude of being able to experience someone in life, regardless of how things ended up. The video depicts a bus of people, all traveling along on their own journey. Together, for a time. I know - super deep.

I think about you all the time

But I don't need the same

It's lonely where you are, come back down

And I won't tell 'em your name

I'm still pondering over what my birthday song will be this year. I don't want to use my old standby, because this is an important birthday that marks the start of an important year in my life. I'll talk more about why I believe this. There's more to it than the eclipse falling a day before my birthday, even though the energy this week has been especially intense, even for eclipse season. There's a lot happening right now - astrologically, politically, globally, spiritually - it can be hard to know how to unpack it all. If we even can. But I'm trying my best. I don't have much more to say about "Name" - it's one of my favorite songs and it speaks to me. There isn't much more to it than that.

"Name" Video

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

I woke up last Thursday with this song stuck in my head. And, I was like, "Really, Jess? Are we really going to do this today?" That being said, I'm a sucker for cheesy 90s love songs and this one has to be the cheesiest. And, yet again, there's that goddamn flamenco guitar. I really do have a type when it comes to music, don't I? I read somewhere that Venus (or was it Mercury?) in Cancer has an amazing emotional memory when it comes to music. I have both placements, so maybe it's a double whammy? I don't know - I'm still an amateur. This song was recorded as the theme for the film, "Don Juan DeMarco" and - while I love me some Johnny Depp - I have not seen the movie. I've added it to my list, because it sounds like a movie I would like. It's a romantic comedy about a man who believes he's Don Juan, the greatest lover in the world. When he goes to get psychiatric treatment, hilarity ensues (I'm assuming) and his psychiatrist learns something about love. Sounds ridiculous. But I'm ridiculous, so it fits. As sappy as it was, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" was nominated for Best Original Song at the 1996 Academy Awards, but lost to "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas" (a worthy opponent). Also, can you believe the gall of Wikipedia in categorizing this song as "latin rock"?! You can't just put shit in that category because it sounds vaguely Spanish! Yes, I am shaking my head furiously.

To really love a woman

To understand her you gotta know her deep inside

Hear every thought see every dream

And give her wings when she wants to fly

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms

You know ya really love a woman

I didn't have much of a rant for this song, beyond that it popped into my head out of nowhere, but that happens quite frequently. A song I haven't heard in several years will suddenly become an earwig for me and it gets reincorporated into the repertoire. Occasionally, I'll consider it a sign but sometimes, it might be just nostalgia. For a moment long forgotten....or one that should be. While we're on the topic of signs, I've been considering some of the other ones I've been getting lately. In particular, I've been called toward Persephone, Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. This was my favorite Greek myth when I was younger. I used to read it over and over in "D'Aulaire's Greek Mythology," which I highly recommend for children who are interested in mythology. First, I've been seeing a lot of posts on Pinterest featuring pomegranates and poems about Persephone. Then, she keeps being mentioned in podcasts. And she was mentioned in a particular podcast I was listening to about sacred sexuality, regarding the Pluto/Hades-Persephone archetype. The podcast host was talking about the desire to be claimed. I thought the discussion around it was intriguing. For those unfamiliar with Greek mythology, Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the Underworld to be his Queen. This was a deal that Zeus had made with Hades in secret, because he thought her mother, Demeter, wouldn't allow it. While in the Underworld, Persephone ate six pomegranate arils (seeds). Demeter searched the whole world for her daughter and when she found her, she tried to bring her back. But because Persephone ate food of the Underworld, he would only allow her to return for 6 months out of every year - one month for every seed she ate. And that is why, according to the Greeks, we have seasons.

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

'Til ya know how she needs to be touched

You've gotta breathe her, really taste her

'Til you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

The typical interpretation of this story is Persephone was taken by force and tricked by Hades into eating the pomegranate seeds. However, modern witchcraft and Dark Goddess worshippers have a different interpretation. Persephone made a choice. Out of all the nymphs, Hades chose to claim Persephone, because he could see her greatness. He knew she would be a great and just Queen. Her mother would have Summer all year long but he knew Persephone was wiser than that. She knew that the world needs time to rest and recoup, to process, understand, and appreciate the gifts of Summer. And so, she chose to give the world a yearly reprieve from her mother's Endless Summer and shaped her own path to her Destiny. Persephone is the also considered a Goddess of Rebirth. She encourages us to embrace the darkness and shadows, because when we emerge, we've become stronger and more luminous than before. In addition to Lilith, I've always considered her a personal guide for me. Listening to that podcast helped something click, and I've been spending a lot of time exploring those revelations in the past week. 

Just some light Saturday thoughts. I'm super good at those. 

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Video

"Moondance" by Van Morisson

Tonight is the Full (Strawberry) Moon in Sagittarius and earlier today, we experienced a penumbral lunar eclipse at 15° Sagittarius. At approximately 12:12pm Pacific Time, give or take a few minutes. To understand what that means, before we get into the astrology of it all, we have to go back to some basic astronomy. The umbra is another name for the Earth's shadow and when the umbra falls directly over the moon (causing it to glow red), that's an umbral (or total) eclipse. A penumbral eclipse happens when the umbra only partially covers the moon - it's still an eclipse but it's a partial one. The United States wouldn't have really seen it because it occurred during our daylight hours, but people in India and other parts of the Middle East probably got a lovely surprise in their night sky. Now, there's also some basic rules that Full Moons and eclipses follow in astrology. In order for a Full Moon to be considered "full," the sun and the moon have to be in opposing signs (like Gemini and Sagittarius) at the exact same degree. Furthermore, in order for an eclipse to happen, the Full Moon has to be taking place in close proximity to the lunar nodes (I'll explain that later). The closer the moon falls to the nodal axis, the closer to a total eclipse it gets. The North Node recently moved into Gemini, with the South Node in Sagittarius, and they are both sitting at 29° of their respective signs.

And I'm trying to please to the calling

Of your heart-strings that play soft and low

And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush

And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

For fun and profit (jk...not really profit), I've been studying my own natal chart to understand better astrological events and tracking their effect on my life and the things happening in current events. If we're just taking into account the shit in my natal chart, this Full Moon eclipse in Sagittarius is an important one for me. It is almost directly conjunct my Ascendant-Descendant axis (where my 1st and 7th Houses begin) and exactly conjunct my natal Saturn. Add the fact that Venus Retrograde is also conjunct my natal Ascendant, it's just a whole party. This eclipse season (because we have two more coming up) actually looks like it's designed specifically to my specifications. The solar eclipse, on 21 June, is at 0° Cancer, which will be exactly conjunct my natal Venus (also in the 1st House). Then, the final eclipse on 5 July (yep, the day before my birthday) at 13° Capricorn will be opposite my natal Sun and Mercury and conjunct my natal Neptune. And, yet again, like the one in January, it will be falling in my 8th House. What all that could mean personally, I'm only starting to unpack. Eclipse energy is hard to predict. But I know eclipses always bring change - especially when we're starting a transition to a new nodal axis.

I was reading my old journal again and I've found a few gems. For instance, this sparkling thought from New Year's Day 2012: "Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I'll never be 'normal' or even 'average.' I'm not meant to fit in and I don't really want to." Whoo, child. I always felt I was too big for my body. But 25-year-old me was right - I don't know how to play it small. Stars are meant to shine, right? I'm sure I've written that trite-but-true-ism somewhere in that journal, too. A lot of my hopes in dreams from 8 years ago still stand, too. I want to be a writer - that hasn't changed since I was a little girl. And for some reason, I wanted to live on a farm. Sure, that dream has evolved quite a bit - it's a lavender farm now, with a Bed & Breakfast where I host Writer's Retreats and spirituality workshops - and, someday, I might actually own and run this mythical farm. But, for now, it's still a pleasant day dream to have from time to time. When I look back on exactly this time in 2012, I actually wrote it down - I was having an existentialist crisis....and nobody seemed to notice (she lamented bitterly in her online blog). Between May and July of 2012, I only wrote two posts on this blog and I didn't write much more than that in the journal. I can always tell how depressed I must be when my writing decreases - I just don't feel like it any more. Because what's the point? Even when I have good ideas, I don't have the courage or confidence to execute them. However, in the last two years, I averaged one post every three days. That's pretty amazing and I'm kind of proud of myself, because I can see the change in my writing. And my mindset.

There and then all my dreams will come true, dear

There and then I will make you my own

And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside

And I know how much you want me that you can't hide

Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about what this penumbral Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius means for the rest of you poor schlubs. As I mentioned, we're moving out of the Cancer-Capricorn axis (Family-Career dichotomy, or Emotional vs Financial Security) and moving into the Gemini-Sagittarius axis (Knowledge-Wisdom dichotomy, or Details vs Big Picture). The important thing to remember about the North Node (Ketu) and South Node (Rahu) is you're aiming for balance. Evolutionary astrologists say that one's natal North Node is indicative of their Destiny and the South Node is indicative of Past Lives. However, going to far in either direction causes problems - you have to balance the lessons and natural skills/talents of your South Node with who your North Node indicates will bring about the most growth. For example, I am naturally artistic, intellectual, friendly and (dare I say it) charming - all traits of a Libra South Node - and those things help to balance the bossy, assertive, and brave (stupid) aspects of my Aries North Node. Too far in either direction and I'm either a doormat (Libra) or an asshole (Aries). And I'm not ashamed to say I've been both at various times in my life. Sometimes in the same day. 

Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love

Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

This Full Moon is shining light on the Sagittarius end of the axis, which calls us to examine our long held beliefs and philosophies. Not just our societal beliefs, but the ones we hold about ourselves. Beliefs about our unworthiness, our flaws, and the things we believe hold us back in life. This eclipse is giving us an opportunity to review those things and make the hard change, if it's needed. That's where Gemini comes into the picture. Gemini is all about embracing the polarities and combining them into a unified whole. You can make a mistake AND still be competent at your job. You can be rejected by someone you love AND still be lovable. Being ruled by Mercury, Gemini is there to help us find new and innovative to solve our problems. Where Sagittarius sees only one Truth, Gemini sees a myriad of Possibilities. Is that thing you want really impossible for you to have? Or are you just afraid to take a chance? That's what Gemini asks us - to take chances, to make mistakes, to make the hard choice. Gemini is also about Communication and with the North Node moving through this sign, it's giving us the ability and courage to put our desires and goals and ideas into words. Never underestimate the power of putting what you want into words, of writing down your goals. There's power in records, as you've seen from my trip down memory lane. The development of language is the only reason we have a history and writing will always be the greatest invention in human civilization. It's what enabled us to get this far. That's the lesson the Gemini-Sagittarius nodal axis teaches us - it's the details that ultimately build the big picture. In order to truly understand something, you need to take in as much information as you can.

This is a song I remember fondly from my childhood. It reminds me of long road trips with my dad, listening to Van Morrison (among other artists) through the night while my sisters and my mom slept. It was the only moon-related song I could think of off the top of my head, without going searching. I'm pretty sure this song about Van Morrison trying to get laid, though. "Moondance" very well could be a euphemism for sex. Sorry if that ruins it for you.

"Moondance" Video

"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (as performed by Rufus Wainwright)

I chose this song for today because - to me - it speaks of deep surrender. A few months ago, I think I described myself as been "in the wilderness." It's much farther than that. These last couple of months have been slow and have left a lot of time to reflect. I opened my eyes and realized my life has descended into chaos. And I've been here for a long time. For my astrological research, I took the opportunity to look back at a journal I kept in 2012. Funnily enough, I kept it to document the last year before the projected end of the world - 21 December 2012. All this shit we're experiencing now in 2020, I fully expected to see eight years ago. Plenty of journal entries expressed disappointment at such a lackluster apocalypse. It was painful to read those entries because they were written by a vapid, shallow, silly little girl. And I'm grateful to know that because sometimes, it doesn't feel like I've grown at all. But I have. I'm not that naive, delusional girl anymore but I'm disappointed to find the circumstances she was dealing with nearly a decade go have an unpleasantly familiar flavor. All I want is to get off this wheel so how do I break it?

Now, I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

In the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time reading the numerous spiritual books I own and rediscovering who I am. Remembering the things I love and reminding myself of the things I want. And I've spent a lot of time praying, especially in the past week. It's difficult, because I haven't been very clear on what I want in the past. And some of the things I'm certain I want seem impossibly out of reach. The Husband has seen me cry more in the past 5 months than he has in the entire 15 years we've been together - and that's not an exaggeration. I hide sadness as a necessity, because it makes others more comfortable. It's as natural to me as breathing. This and other strong walls inside me are breaking and the only thing I can do is accept it with grace and compassion. To let my heart be soft and quiet, in the face of so much chaos. It has become necessary in order for me to take the next steps in my journey.

A thought occurred to me - has been occurring to me for a long time. I have to extinguish the flame of hope and allow faith to lead the way. Do the hard thing, the thing you've been avoiding for so long, because it's for the best. It might not be what I want but this is how it has to be right now. Let it be. This thought reminded me of an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender," which I rewatched recently, because I was getting a lot of signs to do so. There's this episode where Aang learns the Legend of the Two Lovers, the first Earthbenders. He and Katara are separated from the rest of the group in a dark cave and after reading the story of the Earthbenders on their tombs, Katara seems to understand the meaning of what they've been told the whole time for getting through the cave system - Love is brightest in the dark. Katara snuffs out their last torch and luminescent crystals appear, leading them to the exit of the labyrinth. Classic Hero's Journey stuff. The same path is mirrored in the Tarot. After the Tower, arguably the most troubled point in the Major Arcana, comes the Star, to lead the recipient through the rubble and darkness. Some consider The Tower to be a negative card but it serves to remind us chaos - in some cases - is often needed to discover what isn't working. What isn't stable. What doesn't rest well with our hearts. And it forces us to face our fears head on.

As I've mentioned, I've been studying astrology pretty aggressively for the past year or so. There's been a lot of debate on if it's "real" or not. However, there's also the idea that our changed perception of the Universe in itself alters the Universe that we see. Essentially, if you engage with the Universe, it will engage back. If you believe the Universe can talk to you, it will. Those who aren't open, those who refuse to believe, will never accept the proof, no matter how much of it they are presented. I was bored yesterday, so I decided to watch a TED Talk- Do you see the signs of the Universe? by Ulla Suokko - that took place at Tedx - Big Sky in January 2019. I had seen it in my recommendations many times and I was interested in it enough to bookmark it for later but hadn't gotten around to it. The talk can be distilled down to our inner narrative and limiting stories can shape how we perceive the Universe and this reflects in the "signs" we see.

You might have guessed but I'm the type of person who sees "signs." In fact, "Signs" is my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie (feel free to judge me). I'm a big fan of the aliens - not the aliens in the movie, obviously (cuz they were fucking assholes) but THE aliens and the idea of aliens in general. Have been since I was a little girl. Kind of always felt like I was one. Which leads me to some of the signs I've been getting lately. First, I can't remember who tweeted it or what the quote was from, but there was a tweet on my timeline that said "The people who are called are not the same as the people who are curious." And I was like - *whoosh* - that message was definitely for me. That's the thing - when a message is for you, you'll know. It's an undeniable feeling. Back to the quote - it's never been hard for me to find people who are interested in some of these topics - who are curious about witchcraft and the occult or they like the goth "aesthetic" but have never delved further into the genre than wearing black clothes and skull jewelry. They enjoy watching horror and/or paranormal movies/TV shows but they don't think about them cerebrally, in the context of wider culture. They're not deep about it - and that's okay. That's who they are. But I've rarely found people who were truly called to magic - at least, not in real life. I've only encountered a few in my life, which is why I'm incredibly grateful for the growing Internet spiritual community.

Fast forward to my daily constitutionals last week, when I listened to a Cosmic Keys podcast featuring Gordon White. Dan and Scarlett were talking about how they bonded over listening to Rune Soup, which White had originally named "Find the Others." That phrase, again, struck me. Find the Others. And Dan said that is how he met Scarlett - she was his first attempt to find the others. And he found her and now they have this podcast, which connects even more people in the occult community. I feel that. I feel like I am being called to find the others. Furthermore, I think we're coming upon an era in which it's going to be especially important to know who the "others" are. And maybe you are, too. If you've stumbled upon this blog, consider this your sign.

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

I'm not going to speak on the astrology of current events. It undermines the historical significance of what's happening. This is bigger than a few harsh transits and aspects. However, I can feel we're heading into some real darkness. If you find a star, keep following it for as long as you can.

I've included the original Leonard Cohen version (because he was brilliant and everyone should be acquainted with his music) and the Rufus Wainwright version, which you may be familiar with because it was featured in "Shrek." I included it because I love his interpretation. I think hearing the lyrics in a tenor voice, in this case, imbues it with more passion and melancholy.

Leonard Cohen Version

Rufus Wainwright Version

"Finally // beautiful stranger" by halsey

I've had this song stuck in my head for a couple days. When I hear it, I know she's singing about Evan Peters (the lyrics "You've got hips like jagger and two left feet" especially remind me of him). Before they started dating, they were both in pretty abusive relationships. Peters' relationship was very visible because he was dating Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts' niece). She's not a nice person. She was verbally abusive to him, treated him like he was worthless, and - yes - she was physically violent. In the instances where the police would intervene, she'd always claim he was also violent but when they checked them both out, she'd be free of marks whereas he'd be beat to shit. People seem to think men can't be victims of domestic violence, but it happens more often than we realize. I think these public situations - like between Peters and Roberts and, more recently, Johnny Depp's issues with Amber Heard - are bringing more light to the problem. Anyway, halsey's experiences in her relationships have left her a little mistrustful of anyone who tries to get close to her. She's cognizant of this and how her defense mechanisms could ruin a good thing. So she's trying to work through it.

Oh, we're dancing in my living room

And up come my fists

And I say, "I'm only playing"

But the truth is this

That I've never seen a mouth

That I would kill to kiss

And I'm terrified, but I can't resist

And I say

I recently had the opportunity to take a short relational psychology course online. It was mostly from a women's studies perspective and it had a lot to do with why we (women) act the way we do and the latent instincts that these behaviors evolved from. There were several insights I found interesting, mostly because I realized - at least, for me - that they were true. First, we don't share important details with people we don't trust. I know this is true because I can find myself mentally calculating how to avoid telling people certain things, even in the middle of conversations where those facts might be relevant. Second, the facilitator was discussing something she realized after talking to one of her students - if a woman doesn't feel safe, she can't feel loved. This got me thinking because one of the indicators of attraction (that develops into love), from a man's standpoint, is to become protective over the object of his affection. If she reciprocates the feeling, she appreciates it - if not, the behavior can be cloying and seen as a little possessive (in an unattractive way).

I was thinking about it and there are certain behaviors where, if a man I love does them, I feel special and safe. Putting a hand on my back to gently redirect me towards a safer path; standing perhaps a little to close to me when we're in a moderately crowded room; rushing to help me when I feel flustered; checking that I made it home safe after a night out; and, especially, driving cautiously when I'm with them, because pretty much everyone in my family is a terrible and/or aggressive driver so if I have a choice, I generally prefer to drive myself places (unfortunately, I usually lose the fight over who gets to drive). However, I found myself unable to sleep on Friday night because I was thinking about how I'm genuinely unable to acknowledge when I'm feeling unsafe. I've been doing a lot of Inner Child work lately and I was able to figure it out pretty quickly - throughout my life, when I felt unsafe, those feelings were often ignored or disregarded. As a result, I learned to repress feelings of fear. I learned that repressing a lot of things - my needs, my emotions, my thoughts, my opinions, even my personality - was in my best interest (the best way to stay "safe") and it's been a long road of undoing that programming.

Beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms and I know

That beautiful strangers

Only come along to do me wrong

And I hope, beautiful stranger

Here you are in my arms

But I think it's finally

Finally, finally, finally, finally safe

For me to fall

So, how does a lifetime of repressing fear and a need for safety manifest? Pretending I don't need help or that I can take care of myself. Pretending I'm not scared when I am (putting on a "brave face"). Becoming overly defensive in response to violated boundaries or becoming emotionless during moments of conflict. Being unable to ask for what I want or need, because I feel like I'm imposing on other people. Keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself, because being vulnerable with someone is too much of a risk. Being unable to admit that I want certain people to feel protective over me, because I never really had that growing up - and feeling disappointed when they don't meet that need. Being protective over people who don't feel like they have to reciprocate because I'm so "self-sufficient." I'm often that friend who asks people to text me when they get home, but I rarely get that back. When I think of my inner child, I see a little girl hiding in a closet, blasting Hanson on her Walkman so she can drown out the yelling. Music has always been my comfort zone. Especially recently, with everything going on in my life, I've been listening to my favorite songs on repeat.

I've never recognized a purer face

You stopped me in my tracks

And put me right in my place

Used to think that loving

Meant a painful chase

But you're right here now

And I think you'll stay

Like everyone, I had all these great plans for 2020 (and beyond) and then the Universe threw me, not just one, but several curve balls. "Do you really want to go through this? Okay, great! Here's a huge complication, good luck with that." Venus Retrograde in Gemini - especially if it's in one of your angular houses (i.e., 1, 4, 7, and 10) - has a tendency to have you rethinking your whole life and everything in it. It's about reassessing patterns, especially in relationships. Codependent patterns will become especially unbearable - people-pleasing, seeking approval from others, denying your own needs, self-criticism/self-judgment, and compulsively trying to fix or take care of others (who refuse to take care of themselves). These behaviors result in low self-esteem and internalized self-hatred, and make you easily manipulated and controlled by others. However, Venus is all about self-esteem and self-love, which is why these patterns become so obvious during this time. We start to realize that we deserve better than how we've allowed others to treat us. We start taking care of ourselves more and stop focusing on how others perceive us. We begin to understand where our efforts are unappreciated and accept that maybe it's time to let go.

I've resumed my daily writing habit and I've been using the time to work on some other stuff - mostly journaling and short stories, but also world-building for a novel I want to write and some (bad) poetry. Don't be surprised if the songs take a more nostalgic turn or if the posts become a bit shorter.

"Finally // beautiful stranger" Video

"Lulabelle" by Hanson

Happy Hanson Day! Thought I'd forget, didn't you? Absolutely never! As such, I'm sharing one of my favorites. Yes, it is sung by Zac. There's something about his gravelly tenor that strikes me and seems especially fitting for sad, wistful lyrics, like the words in "Lulabelle."

The story behind this song that I've constructed is that the lyrics are about this girl whose whole existence is predicated on being beautiful, due to being in the public eye (like a beauty queen or a moviestar). People are so obsessed with her beauty that they don't see her for who she it. She becomes very depressed and she ends up killing herself (through an eating disorder but this part of the story is open to interpretation). Or it could be about a show dog. I don't think Hanson intended for this song to be given such a dark backstory but that's the story that comes to mind when I hear this song.

Recently, I watched a clip from Taylor Swift's new Netflix documentary. She was talking about her struggles with an eating disorder and it struck me how similar her experiences were to mine. Not just in how things got out of control but how she was able to get a handle on it and how she deals with those urges now. It always begins as this continual process of not feeling good enough, not being beautiful enough, and ruminating on how you look compared to an impossible ideal. It's the type of disease where you are an active participant in reinforcing the pattern, even though it never began with you. She talked about looking at pictures of herself and how she'd fret about every curve. And how every day she was picked apart by someone for not looking beautiful and slim. Her inner critic amplified the voice of tabloids whereas mine just replayed whatever awful things my mom said in her rages, but still - the experience is the same. It happens gradually - you exercise for a little longer every day, you eat a little less. You pretend you're not tired or hungry. Unfortunately, a lot of these things are easy to hide or lie about. "I ate before I came." "I just went for a 'quick' run." You just keep going, wallowing in self-hatred (which is so easy to perpetuate). Then everyone starts praising how amazing you look, unknowingly reinforcing a vicious cycle. And just like that, you're destroying yourself to be beautiful.

Lulabelle's leaving the ball

No more reason to stay

Or people to see

But everyone here knows your name

From the light on your face

In the frame that hangs

In the hall where lovely girls go

Lulabelle goes, Lulabelle no

The path back is always the same, though, and it comes from a place of self-love. It's about understanding what being beautiful means to you (and only you) and relying less on the validation of others. Taylor talked about her self-talk and that's critical. When she finds herself worrying about her weight or analyzing another tabloid picture, she says to herself "Stop. We don't do that any more. It made use extremely unhappy so we just don't do that any more." You can see the transformation in her videos. In the old music videos, she was impossibly thin - a literal stick figure. But in her latest videos - and I noticed this most in the "Delicate" video - she looks healthier. And happier. That takes strength - real strength. To make the choice every day to love and respect yourself, in spite of what the outside world - and especially that hypercritical inner voice - is telling you.

Truth be told, I almost did forget it was Hanson Day. But for some reason, my brain started playing this song, which was an immense comfort during some of my more troubling days. I've been having a lot of memories surface in the past week. There's a reason - and I'll discuss this more tomorrow - but the theme of this Flower Moon in Scorpio is releasing the past. Letting go of things that brought us pain, which is necessary in order to greet the future with open arms.

Chose a live version to share, because Hanson is one of those rare bands that always sounds as good as the album version or better when performing live.

"Lulabelle" Video

"The Frug" by Rilo Kiley

This song has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, I went through a period where I was very into California-based indie music. I listened to a lot of Rooney, Dayplayer, and Sleater-Kinney. And a ton of Rilo Kiley. The kind of music they'd play in Miller's Outpost (when they existed) and Pacific Sunwear. That weirdo trying to Shazam the song playing in the middle of the store - yeah, that's me. I'd try to be subtle about it until I realized no one gives a shit. Rilo Kiley was a particular favorite because they had that special mix of unexpectedly dark lyrics combined with upbeat melodies and wistful vocals. They sort of lost that as they got close to their break-up. I think "More Adventurous" was the peak and then the chemistry dissipated after that. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed their last album. But it was missing something. 

And I can watch TV

I can shuffle off to Buffalo

I can do a backbend

I will not call you back

Jenny Lewis grew up a child actor and, as she grew older, she got more despondent about life. I think that's common for people who were raised as trophy children - to feel like you're not much deeper than you're accomplishments. "The Frug" centers around the detachment she felt. The lyrics quietly - Look! - I can do all these things but I don't quite feel human most of the time. And sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. But I wish I did. Which is pretty sad, because you have a tendency to not realize that being detached can hurt other people. However, emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. In order not to get hurt, people withdraw or act like they don't care to save themselves from feelings of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, acting detached may actually result in the very results the person is trying to avoid. And it becomes this self-fulfilling cycle. Hence the repetitive nature of the final lyrics of the song. 

And I can hate your girl

I can tell you that she's real pretty

I can take my clothes off

I cannot fall in love

This whole week, my mindset has been very "Go fuck yourself, I'm done." My thoughts have been scattered. And yes, I've felt detached and wanting to disappear. I cannot find a logical reason for it. Yes, the current situation has been frustrating but this last week of teleworking actually went by pretty quick. I was busy every day, so when I closed my laptop for the day, I didn't feel like I had wasted 8 hours. The astrological forecast is not as pleasant. The recent New Moon in Taurus fell in my 12th House - the House of Self-Undoing. And it was conjunct Uranus and square Saturn, currently in my 8th House (House of Death, Sex, and Taxes). All this could explain why I'm feeling particularly reckless. All those placements also happen to be aspecting my Mars placement, and thus exacerbating feelings of anger (among other things) and, with an opposition to Saturn, has me resentful of restrictions and rules. So if I punch somebody, I can just blame it on Uranus squaring my natal Mars. That'll hold up with the cops, right? And Pluto is about to go retrograde tomorrow, also in my 8th House. Particularly with Pluto Retrograde, themes of letting go play heavily. Because you can't transform if you're trying to hold on to something that doesn't serve you. Something that's not working. Of course, charts aren't destiny and you can spin all these placements in a more positive light. I'm just struggling with that right now. 

"The Frug" was featured in a movie called "Desert Blue," which featured performances by Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci, both fairly young at the time. It was an alright movie. I probably wouldn't have watched it if I'd never heard this song. That's probably not the most glowing review but it's an honest one. It came out in 1998 - that will be obvious once you watch the music video.

"The Frug" Video

"Fast As You Can" by Fiona Apple

In honor of Fiona Apple's newest album, "Fetch the Bolt Cutters," which was released this past Friday, I'm going to share one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple. I have several of these but this one, I think, most accurately captures the pace of my frantic mind, in both lyrics and tonal shifts. I also think it's a perfect song to embody Venus hanging out in Gemini for four fucking months (as it criss-crosses my ascendant a couple times....no biggie). As I've mentioned before, this song factored in heavily during my first quarter-life crisis. As I feel the aching desire of change yet again, it becomes even more fitting. During that first period, I chopped off all of my hair and started being a lot more social, trying on very different facets of my personality (which, at one point, became one of about seven different 'Jessicas' that came out depending on who I was with - not multiple personalities, just extremely compartmentalized out of a fear of being vulnerable and, thus, authentic). Now, there's this uncomfortable tension, where something has to shift or break or something. And it's just in my nature that, if something needs to happen, I'll make it happen, god damn it. I'll quit my job, move to a different state, drop people from my life, change my name - seriously, just give me a reason. I'd like to say that it's simply that "I'm done here," but the truth is it's more like "I'm not getting what I need here," and that makes it time to move on. Perhaps that's selfish. But it's better than being stuck in a situation that is clearly not making me happy and growing to be a bitter and hateful person who is dissatisfied with everything. Uncomproming. That's the word for it. I'm uncompromising, once I reach a point. If I've handed in my notice or walked away, it's already too late. I'm gone.

I let the beast in too soon

I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat

I fight him always and still

O darling, it's so sweet

You think you know how crazy

How crazy I am

You say you don't spook easy

You won't go

But I know

And I pray that you will

In "Fast As You Can," Fiona is warning those who would get close to her that she can be a lot to handle. Maybe more than they're expecting, maybe more than they can take. This song highlights is her seething self-awareness of the ways she's fucked up past relationships. It also reveals an inability or unwillingness to change. Sometimes, it's simply because we just don't know how and we keep repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship. This can be especially difficult when there's trauma in someone's past, because they're not fully aware of their triggers. The lyrics that most strike me about the first verse are "It's so sweet/You think you know how crazy/How crazy I am." There's multiple reasons for this. First, I think she's aware that even she doesn't know how deep the abyss goes. Second, this song is from the point of view of a relationship that is just starting - the person she's singing to simply has not seen her vulnerable enough to understand the extent of it. And she knows it. She's probably been on her best behavior until now. Psychologists estimate that we don't truly know someone until between 6 months to a year of knowing them. That's generally when the rose-colored glasses come off and people start revealing who they really are. They've been filtering who they are and, a lot of times, people have been shaping themselves to fit whatever they think your "ideal partner" is, based on what you've revealed about yourself so far. After about the 18-month mark, you can be pretty secure that who you're dealing with is their true character. And hopefully you like it, because the base traits are unlikely to change in the future. Unless they are putting in some sincere hard work towards changing, through things like therapy, anger management classes, or  some other extreme life event that forces them to take stock of their life. What I'm saying is - people don't change unless they have an incentive. They don't change unless they want to.

Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift

But most of the time, it does

And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift

Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was

And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift

And you give me some more of your drugs

Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift

'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys

Just need a little because, because

When I think back to that first identity crisis, when I was 18, I haven't changed much since then. I'm still fairly spontaneous (i.e., impulsive), my mind still moves a thousand miles a minute, I'm still awkwardly quiet in social settings where I don't know people (but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the scene). If I seem more patient and less angry, it's that I've recognized and consciously removed the triggers that would make it so explosive when the end of my patience was reached. If I seem kinder and more friendly, it's because I've chosen to embrace the belief I've always had that we are all connected and what hurts others hurts me. If I seem more curious and open-minded, it's because I've chosen to forego the fear of failure. I'm more scared of not knowing nowadays. All those things were there already. Self-awareness and self-improvement (through targeted therapy and books and classes) have simply removed the barriers to expressing what was already there. Gave me better coping mechanisms to deal with anger, fear, pain, and grief. Allowed me to embrace parts of myself others always said were shameful, disappointing, or unpleasant.

The bridge was always my favorite part of "Fast As You Can." In the video, Fiona begins wiping down the foggy window that separates her from the camera. I've interpreted this as the metaphorical unveiling you get when someone is really vulnerable with another person. There comes an unexpected softness. And you understand - she really wants to try this time if it means this new partner will stay. The "drugs" she's referring to are the release of hormones - serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin - that you get when you enjoy being around someone. She'll be tamed, if only s/he could stay forever. The bridge also has some of that vague philosophical subtext - she's tired of asking "why?" Why does she always push away the people she loves the most? Why does she keep repeating the same patterns? Nothing can bring the relief that a reason would.

"Fast As You Can" Video