"exile" by Taylor Swift (feat. Bon Iver)

 After three years of celebrating, I think you know what today is. It's motherfucking T-Swift's birthday. And, like a boss, she dropped - not just one - but two new albums in the thick of this hot mess we call 2020. "folklore" was released on July 24 (7+2+4=13) and she put out "evermore" last week, on December 11 (which, weirdly enough, does not add up to 13). She's been keeping busy in her log cabin deep in the woods. At least, that's how I like to picture her - walking through the trees at dusk, sipping tea on her porch as the light filters through the leaves, writing songs by candlelight. In her own words, she just couldn't stop writing. I hear you, Taylor. Same, my dear, same. But I'll write more about that in my New Year's post. I haven't been able to sit down and fully listen through these albums yet. "Sister albums" as she called them, because the songs in them intertwine, continue, and reflect the stories in each other. I prefer to let myself discover them in my own time, because I know when I need it most, the right Taylor Swift song will float into my awareness and make things better. 

Let's get one thing perfectly straight - both of these albums are masterpieces. Swift is at her best when she's occupying the grey space between pop and country - squarely in indie folk music territory. The songs in these albums are vulnerable. She knows she's a complicated person, but she has been able to integrate her darkness with her light through her art in a way that so few learn how to do in this life. And, although she took inspiration from all over and she claims some of the stories she tells in her music are fictional, all the songs are strangely personal. People like to bash Swift - to make fun of her and revel in her failures to quell their own insecurities. They say she's not that remarkable. But she is. And as she softens with age and experience, she becomes even more unstoppable. 

I can see you standin', honey

With his arms around your body

Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all

And it took you five whole minutes

To pack us up and leave me with it

Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

"exile" is a collaboration with indie folk band, Bon Iver. And that's how you know T-Swift really is The Man - she's collaborated with some surprising musicians and people in the industry, no matter what genre of music they create, respect her talent. If you ain't shit, no one wants to work with you. That's just how it is. "exile" is perhaps the most critically acclaimed of all the songs on "folklore" and I can understand why. In just a few short weeks, it has become one of my Unskippables, an honor only one other Taylor Swift song can claim ("Everything Has Changed"). It's a duet - you know how I love duets - where we see both sides of a painful and unexpected breakup. Both sides are full of regret, still holding on to love, but seeing the situation as unfixable. Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) soulful voice puts a lot of emotion into that first verse, but my favorite part is the vocalization afterwards. He sounds like a wolf howling and the sound is so sad, it tears at my heart. There's a wildness to it and I have an incurable soft spot for wild things. 

I can see you starin', honey

Like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury

For Taylor's part, her lyrics are thoughtful and the words she chooses are heavy with meaning. For example, calling her new boyfriend the male singer's understudy. In theatre, we're taught the understudy is just as good, because they have to fill in the role when the main player can't be there. But in the back of your mind, you know that - if they were just as good - they would've been given the part outright. The understudy is a placeholder, and even though they may know the lines and how to play the part, there's just something missing. But it seems unfair to point it out. Even the title of song - "exile" - has a certain connotation. With a significant Cancer placement (Moon in Cancer), Swift associates Love with the feeling of home, of being safe, of being cared for - the deep intimacy of being privy to something intangible, that only you know. That is evident in the phrases she picks - "you were my town" and "you're not my homeland anymore." In this sense, exile is a very real feeling - of having been allowed deep into another's inner world, then being suddenly forced out. It is the unsettling discomfort of being unmoored, without an anchor, shoved into the wilderness without a compass. I'm mixing my metaphors, but you get it. 

So step right out

There is no amount

Of cryin' I can do for you

All this time

We always walked a very thin line

You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out)

You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

All this time

I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)

I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)

'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

So many signs

So many signs (you didn't even see the signs)

In the chorus, you can especially hear the hurt on both sides. There's a lack of closure. The relationship feels unfinished. Neither felt fully heard at the end but then, it doesn't sound like they even tried listening first. And reading minds - that'll just get you in trouble. If you want to know what someone's thinking, the only way to do that is to ask. And if you want someone to know what you're thinking, you've got to speak up. Something I'm trying to learn, after a lifetime of trying to read minds and anticipate everyone else's needs - and expecting them to do the same then feeling disappointed when they miss the mark. I'm particularly drawn to the seeming double meaning in Swift's use of signs. I don't think she's just referring to her attempts to get him to meet her needs. "folklore" and "evermore" are rife with symbolism, both in the songs and in the videos she's created for the singles so far. In her latest single, "willow," the video references the Golden Thread of Fate, a concept in Greek mythology that assumes every human is following their own Destiny, which is ultimately unavoidable. You can delay it, but the Universe will always keep trying to push you towards that end. In the video, it is shown connecting Taylor to her True Love (within the fantasy world she's created for these two albums). It's been a rough decade but clearly Swift still believes in fairy tales, love stories, and soul mates. No matter how many times her heart has been broken.

Swift's next year should be pretty interesting. Like myself, she has an eclipse falling very close to her birthday (solar eclipse in Sagittarius on 14 December), which is coinciding with the official end of her Saturn return (natal Saturn in Capricorn) and the Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius will be conjunct her natal Venus in Aquarius. Yes, she should have a good year ahead of her indeed. Sharing the official lyrics video for "exile" - Taylor Swift is one of the artists that is really diligent about putting out her own lyrics videos when her albums are released. It's a really intelligent practice for two reasons - 1. She gets the views (and the money) from people watching and listening to her songs on YouTube, not some rando who spends 5 minutes with free video editing software; and 2. it allows her to control the narrative and aesthetic of the album, something she is meticulous about. Enjoy!

"exile" Video

"Fast As You Can" by Fiona Apple

In honor of Fiona Apple's newest album, "Fetch the Bolt Cutters," which was released this past Friday, I'm going to share one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple. I have several of these but this one, I think, most accurately captures the pace of my frantic mind, in both lyrics and tonal shifts. I also think it's a perfect song to embody Venus hanging out in Gemini for four fucking months (as it criss-crosses my ascendant a couple times....no biggie). As I've mentioned before, this song factored in heavily during my first quarter-life crisis. As I feel the aching desire of change yet again, it becomes even more fitting. During that first period, I chopped off all of my hair and started being a lot more social, trying on very different facets of my personality (which, at one point, became one of about seven different 'Jessicas' that came out depending on who I was with - not multiple personalities, just extremely compartmentalized out of a fear of being vulnerable and, thus, authentic). Now, there's this uncomfortable tension, where something has to shift or break or something. And it's just in my nature that, if something needs to happen, I'll make it happen, god damn it. I'll quit my job, move to a different state, drop people from my life, change my name - seriously, just give me a reason. I'd like to say that it's simply that "I'm done here," but the truth is it's more like "I'm not getting what I need here," and that makes it time to move on. Perhaps that's selfish. But it's better than being stuck in a situation that is clearly not making me happy and growing to be a bitter and hateful person who is dissatisfied with everything. Uncomproming. That's the word for it. I'm uncompromising, once I reach a point. If I've handed in my notice or walked away, it's already too late. I'm gone.

I let the beast in too soon

I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat

I fight him always and still

O darling, it's so sweet

You think you know how crazy

How crazy I am

You say you don't spook easy

You won't go

But I know

And I pray that you will

In "Fast As You Can," Fiona is warning those who would get close to her that she can be a lot to handle. Maybe more than they're expecting, maybe more than they can take. This song highlights is her seething self-awareness of the ways she's fucked up past relationships. It also reveals an inability or unwillingness to change. Sometimes, it's simply because we just don't know how and we keep repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship. This can be especially difficult when there's trauma in someone's past, because they're not fully aware of their triggers. The lyrics that most strike me about the first verse are "It's so sweet/You think you know how crazy/How crazy I am." There's multiple reasons for this. First, I think she's aware that even she doesn't know how deep the abyss goes. Second, this song is from the point of view of a relationship that is just starting - the person she's singing to simply has not seen her vulnerable enough to understand the extent of it. And she knows it. She's probably been on her best behavior until now. Psychologists estimate that we don't truly know someone until between 6 months to a year of knowing them. That's generally when the rose-colored glasses come off and people start revealing who they really are. They've been filtering who they are and, a lot of times, people have been shaping themselves to fit whatever they think your "ideal partner" is, based on what you've revealed about yourself so far. After about the 18-month mark, you can be pretty secure that who you're dealing with is their true character. And hopefully you like it, because the base traits are unlikely to change in the future. Unless they are putting in some sincere hard work towards changing, through things like therapy, anger management classes, or  some other extreme life event that forces them to take stock of their life. What I'm saying is - people don't change unless they have an incentive. They don't change unless they want to.

Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift

But most of the time, it does

And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift

Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was

And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift

And you give me some more of your drugs

Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift

'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys

Just need a little because, because

When I think back to that first identity crisis, when I was 18, I haven't changed much since then. I'm still fairly spontaneous (i.e., impulsive), my mind still moves a thousand miles a minute, I'm still awkwardly quiet in social settings where I don't know people (but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the scene). If I seem more patient and less angry, it's that I've recognized and consciously removed the triggers that would make it so explosive when the end of my patience was reached. If I seem kinder and more friendly, it's because I've chosen to embrace the belief I've always had that we are all connected and what hurts others hurts me. If I seem more curious and open-minded, it's because I've chosen to forego the fear of failure. I'm more scared of not knowing nowadays. All those things were there already. Self-awareness and self-improvement (through targeted therapy and books and classes) have simply removed the barriers to expressing what was already there. Gave me better coping mechanisms to deal with anger, fear, pain, and grief. Allowed me to embrace parts of myself others always said were shameful, disappointing, or unpleasant.

The bridge was always my favorite part of "Fast As You Can." In the video, Fiona begins wiping down the foggy window that separates her from the camera. I've interpreted this as the metaphorical unveiling you get when someone is really vulnerable with another person. There comes an unexpected softness. And you understand - she really wants to try this time if it means this new partner will stay. The "drugs" she's referring to are the release of hormones - serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin - that you get when you enjoy being around someone. She'll be tamed, if only s/he could stay forever. The bridge also has some of that vague philosophical subtext - she's tired of asking "why?" Why does she always push away the people she loves the most? Why does she keep repeating the same patterns? Nothing can bring the relief that a reason would.

"Fast As You Can" Video