We're All Mad Here ("Where is my mind?" by Safari Riot feat. Grayson Sanders - Pixies Cover)

In case you haven't noticed, we're in the "find out" stage of fucking around. It's the end of the world as we know it - and I feel strangely fine. Since Uranus moved into Gemini, I've felt a new energy. Then I remember I'm a Gemini rising. These are the times I'm built for. Yes, the transit through Taurus sucked. I've beat that dead horse enough. This year, I've had this underlying fear - I was really anxious about the state of the world and a bit scared of the change coming. However, since the end of April, my attitude has flipped. Fuck it, let it all blow up. Like the ending of "Fight Club." I'll get through it - heck, I might even be thriving by the end. 

I've told my coworkers and my friends numerous times - I'm having a really hard time taking any of this seriously anymore. And at the same time, I care even more deeply than I ever did before. It's paradoxical. The Astrology Podcast always has these fantastic phrases for different transits and in their annual forecast for 2026, I remember Austin Coppock describing the March-April-May timeframe as "deadly unserious." Perfect description. We are living in dangerously unserious times. This is going to be a long one so I invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole.

Revisiting My Embodiment Era ("Francesca" by Hozier)

Now that we're now finally and truly out of it, I'm taking a brief look at how the Uranus in Taurus transit manifested in my life. For better or worse, astrology is best understood in the rear view. It's hard to properly assess exactly how a transit impact your life until it's over and you can see the full arc of the story. Adam Elenbaas of Nightlight astrology mentioned during his latest video about Uranus in Gemini about how, as it transits through a sign, Uranus tends to amplify the themes of the ruling planet. If we apply this idea to Uranus in Taurus, the areas of life Venus rules over - relationships, beauty, art, finances, pleasure - would've become more prominent. And for some reason, something clicked for me. One of the things I realized early on in the transit through Taurus of how I abandoned a lot of the things I enjoyed.

Our trek through Uranus in Taurus started 8 years ago today, on 15 May 2018. I remember that day, surprisingly enough. Okay, maybe not the full day but I remember what was happening that week. I had recently been promoted to team lead of my section, so I was starting a new period in my career. I had gotten a pretty nice raise, which allowed me to fully become the breadwinner for my family. We unexpectedly became a single income household, so that was also around the time we took my oldest out of daycare because it was an unnecessary expense. In hindsight, a lot was happening and it laid the foundation of where I am today. That amazing raise I got? I make more than twice that amount now. The promotion? It set me up to get the certifications and skills that eventually got me hired at my current employer. COVID didn't affect us as much as other families because we already had a stay-at-home parent. I'm extremely grateful now but I'd be lying if all this change didn't come with a lot of inner turmoil. This transit was moving through my 12th House (House of Self-Undoing) and I definitely went through it. Psychologically, probably one of my darkest periods - and I have plenty of morbid, angsty poetry to prove it. 

Understanding transits at a basic level is pretty simple. You take the planet's significations and cross it with the zodiac sign's characteristics, and you'll have a good idea about what sort of stuff to expect. To narrow it down more or to better understand how it might affect you personally, you look at what House the transit falls in for a specific event/natal chart and add on the House significations. Uranus is the planet of unexpected change, revelations, insights, and revolutions. I gave a basic overview of Taurus themes above. For me, a Gemini rising, this transit fell in my 12th House, which signifies the subconscious mind, intuition, spirituality, isolation, dreams, and hidden enemies. To find out what this transit may have impacted for you, look at your natal chart and find the House the sign, Taurus, falls in.

Here are a few of the big lessons I learned while Uranus tore a path through my 12th House:

• Your value is Intrinsic. 

I think this is especially difficult for Cancer and Libra (and to some extent, Pisces) because those two signs are particularly focused on close relationships. Cancer is focused on family (motherhood in particular) and Libra is often associated with partnerships and marriage. As such, it can be instinctual to yoke your value to what you are for other people. For a couple years, I lost myself. I filled my days with all the things needed to sustain my family and my career and in the process, I dropped a lot of the things I used to love. I stopped reading as much. My spiritual practice had faded to nonexistence. I exercised but not as frequently as I would've liked. Uranus in Aries was go, go, go! And when I had a chance to stop and look in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. So when I encountered narcissists and other selfish monsters in real life, my assumption was I was the problem. I wasn't providing enough value to them to be worthy of decent treatment. It's taken 8 years but I finally understand - you're always worthy. And how people treat you is more a reflection about how they feel about themselves rather than what you deserve.

• Ground in your own unique vision of Motherhood.

During this transit, I experienced a lot of firsts in motherhood and I also became a mother again, when I had my second child during COVID. As I've written about before, my relationship with my mother when I was growing up left a lot to be desired. It left a lot of insecurities about motherhood - whether I would be a good mom, if I could control my moody nature and quick temper, whether I could raise a family while working a full 40 hours (or more) a week. And, in the throes of postpartum depression, I struggled with believing I could take care of two children when I could barely care for myself. I remember when I got home from the hospital after giving birth. My dad had bought me my favorite takeout meal - Tofu Pad Thai - and while eating it on the couch, I broke down in tears. The only person who noticed was my oldest. He's such a sweet, thoughtful kid and he did the right thing - instead of dealing with it himself, he got my husband, who put away my food and helped me into bed. After that, I had to breathe and take a step back to see the larger picture. Like all things, you must have a vision for the type of parent you want to be - or rather, the type of parent you want your children to remember. This is your anchor - and when you're caught up in the moment, this is what grounds you. I don't want my children to have to cope with an emotionally volatile mother. I've been there....it's not fun. Children need that Taurean energy - solid, dependable, practical, nourishing - in order to grow.

• Treat Yo'self.

I personally describe myself as rather frugal. I've always been money conscious and concerned about financial stability. Being unable to support my family is a big fear of mine, one that has grown with my income. And that probably won't change. What has changed is how I approach it. As it happens, the 12th House is also a place of hidden fears so when Uranus drops in, you may be forced to change how you face those fears. Up until the past few years, I wouldn't spend money on myself. I'd be generous with others (I'm a great gift giver) but it felt selfish and wrong to waste resources on anything as frivolous as my own desires. As I've succeeded in my career this past decade, I've come to see the gradual ascent into affluence as a permission slip from the Universe that it's okay to buy myself a little treat once in a while. Don't buy out the whole bookstore, but a paperback or two (and a coffee to sip while you browse) is okay. Hardcover books with sprayed edges won't break the bank and neither will mid-priced luxury skincare. Order what you want, not the cheapest item on the menu. For a sensory experience, some people get interested in wine or whisky - I started collecting perfumes, among other pretty things. And while I still stash away quite a bit of my paycheck for a rainy day, I've gotten out of the habit of denying myself life's little pleasures. Because you can't take it with you.

• Get out of your head (and into your body). 

I'm coming up on my 5-year Pole-versary in June. It's hard to believe it's been that long - I thought I'd be better at it by now. Objectively, I am - I can do things I couldn't have even conceived of 5 years ago. But I can't do a handstand without pole support. Ballerina is still a flexibility nightmare I dread every class. One side is a bit more wonky than the other and, after injuring my shoulder last year, there are some intermediate moves that have become an unexpected struggle. But I did graduate to the "Advanced" class (and I'm moderately successful, most of the time). I've gotten better at slowing down and flowing with the music during my freestyles. More than once this year, the pole coaches have commented on how strong I am, which is not a word I would've used to describe my physique before I started. After five years, I still love the community and the art form. And I'm happier. Even when I'm not in the mood or it's after work and I'm tired, I never regret going to class. It's become my outlet for all the frustration that builds up from the pandemonium of modern life. For 1 to 2 hours, I'm solely focused on what crazy trick I'm trying to get my body to do. I'm not thinking about work, I'm not worried about politics, I'm not even formulating what I want to write next. I'm just dancing. That's all I need to do. I cannot overstate the value of taking a mental break and indulging in the pure magic of movement. 

• It's the work that's sacred.

My spiritual journey has deepened to the point where I actively call myself a Seeker. It a moniker one of my favorite authors, Mitch Horowitz, has adopted to describe his adventures in occultism and esoterica. Within the witchcraft and occult communities, it's easy to get caught up on the aesthetics and titles. Putting together a pretty altar layout or witchy outfit is the fun part. Being anointed (by yourself or others) as High Priestess is an honor. But these things may be the results, but they're not the goal. No - the magic comes during the meditation session you didn't want to do because you're too busy. It's when a theosophical concept makes sense have reading your 3rd or 4th book about the subject. When you're doing tarot reading for the group commander and your interpretation leads to him opening up about an ordeal he's going through. It's found in every "oh my god....astrology is real" moment. You can't experience these things - the High Strangeness and the synchronistic breadcrumbs - if you don't do them. In the past 8 years, I've learned that telepathy is real (but you need to be on the same wavelength); wishes do come true (but maybe not in the way you expect); and the Universe is always willing to point you in the right direction (if you want to listen). It's the work that's sacred in all crafts. If I had a dime for every writing book I read reiterating "trust the process," I'd have a whole lotta dimes. But that doesn't make it any less true. Do the work, the rest will follow.

• You can do it alone (but you don't have to). 

For a sign ruled by Venus, Taurus is surprisingly independent. This sign is also known to be a hard worker. And Taurus is considered one of the more stubborn zodiac signs. Not a great combination - it's big "I'll do it my-fucking-self" energy, almost to the detriment of Taurus natives. And - as I learned - having that energy ruling over the House governing mental health was a problem. I have a degree in Psychology and for a long time, my approach was I'm able to handle this stuff - depression, anxiety, cyclothymia, disordered eating, etc - by myself. And, for the most part, I was able to handle it myself. Then the dam broke and I was drowning in darkness. It didn't get better until I made the choice to reach out to somebody for help. I think eventually I would've been able to make it through - but it would've taken longer, it would've been harder, and I don't know if I'd be as strong as I am today. One of the key things I learned about myself during COVID is I like being around people. It's one of the big reasons I'm not desperate for a WFH job - I need human interaction for my happiness. I'm not a true introvert, I never have been. And while I can do many things on my own - write, pole, work, cook - it feels better to have people around. People you can trust to pull you out when you start floundering.

• Don't let life kill your voice.

I started out this transit so hopeful and inspired. You can even see it in this blog - I wrote frequently and the whole vibe of what I was conveying shifted. I can barely believe the posts written when I first started this blog in 2011 were written by the same person writing this post today. My voice seemed so strong - and then somewhere around 2020, it just died. There was nothing in the well and it became so hard to create. And what I was able to pull up from the abyss was terrifying. I remember taking my daily constitutional one day in the middle of COVID (when we had rotating in-person weeks). I was 3 or 4 months pregnant and I passed an old military hotel with a metal ladder going up to the roof. I looked up at this building, which I had seen countless times before, and thought, "I should jump." I didn't, of course - and I wish that had been the extent of my intrusive thoughts - but in retrospect, it was pretty tame in comparison to the other stuff going on inside of my head. 

Eventually, after I broke down in front of my OB/GYN during my 6-week postnatal appointment, I started going to therapy. I told my therapist, BW, that when I went through a similar dark spot in college, during my mom's manic episode, I would have this desire to go outside and scream. And she asked, "Why didn't you?" The answer was....it felt silly and childish. And I didn't want to scare anyone if they heard it. I also doubted anyone would care. I silenced myself. A pattern I'm familiar with, from hiding in closets and playing small to not attract unwanted attention. As a rule, I'm very guarded with what I share with others. It's a protective mechanism - my suffering is no one's business but my own. My own burden to bear and so I did. BW's advice was to scream in the car or to sing really loud. It helps, on occasion. Not as much as talking to someone. Or writing. Getting the thoughts out helps better ones flow in. The normal state of my mind is constant chatter, ideas squirming in the white space of my days, as if the words want to leech out of my skin and orifices. It's chaos, but it's my chaos. 

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I adore this song, from the opening line, all the way to the madrigal chorus at the end. It's about Love, it's about embodiment, it's about indulging in pleasure in spite of the consequences - all of which I felt fitting as a summation of Uranus in Taurus. When you go into an experience which brings you happiness, you don't always know how it will end. Often, the ending is sad. Or even downright tragic, as we'll learn from what happened to Francesca. The accompaniment of this song feels all-consuming and by the end, it envelopes you in a sea of angelic sound. It's beautiful and quintessentially Venusian, in my opinion.

Do you think I'd give up

That this might've shook the love from me

Or that I was on the brink?

How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?

Now that it's done

There's not one thing that I would change

My life was a storm, since I was born

How could I fear any hurricane?

However, it's never just the song - although it is a masterpiece - but the story behind the song. Y'all know I'm a sucker for a great doomed romance. I present for your consideration the tale of Paulo and Francesca. For those of you who aren't read up on your obscure Italian history, Paulo and Francesca were real people. In a nutshell, Francesca was married to Paulo's brother, Giuseppe, as part of a political alliance. They fell in love and carried on an affair that lasted 10 years, until Giuseppe discovered them in bed and murdered them both. With a sword, which Francesca tried to block, according to some stories. Quite violent, so much blood. The lovers were featured prominently in Dante's Inferno, which is where Hozier draws his inspiration for the lyrics. If you've ever read Inferno, it's essentially Dante Alighieri's Burn Book. In it, he drags dozens of historical Italian figures, not least of which are those who were his critics in life. Paulo and Francesca, obviously, can be found in the third circle of Hell, which is reserved for adulterers. Their fate is to be blown about by tempests, as they were blown about in life by their passions (the metaphors are thick in the Underworld). For eternity, they must fight gusts of wind to find their way back to each other, only to be forced apart again. But hey, at least they get to hold each other for a precious moment. As you can guess, the song is from Paulo's point of view and that's exactly what he's saying. He has no regrets, even though it ended as it did, and if given the chance, he'd do it all over again. And if he could just hold her again for a minute, he'll endure whatever torture the afterlife has in store.

For all that was said

Of where we'd end up at the end of it

When the heart would cease

Ours never knew peace

What good would it be on the far side of things?

Side note - I always hear the first line as "Think I give a hoot?" rather than "Think I'd give up?" I don't know why. It certainly doesn't fit the renaissance-theme of the whole piece. Maybe it's because I'm aggressively Americanized. I prefer the tale of the Hatfields and the McCoys over Romeo & Juliet. I can imagine our storybook lover - we'll call him Paul - telling the story of his true love (Franny) outside his cabin in Appalachia. Is it worth it to experience transcendent love in this lifetime, even if only for a moment, even if it would destroy you? Old Paul (speaking through Hozier's immortal voice) screams an unambivalent "Yes! Always! Every time!" into the foggy, forested mountains. He doesn't give a hoot! He'd do it again in a heartbeat - faster, harder, more fully than he did the first time! Thus spake the doomed lover forevermore. Uff-da, I got carried away again....

Though I know my heart would break

I'll tell them put me back in it

Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah

If I could hold you for a minute

Darling, I'd go through it again, ah, ah

When I started this post, I was solidly in my Hozier era. Still am, though less so - we've got some Florence thrown in for good measure. I've collected a couple poetry books, I listen to "Too Sweet" frequently (though not on repeat anymore), and I'm letting my hair grow out questionably long (again). We're in fairytale princess/bog witch territory now - that's how long my hair is. It's giving mermaid. Nay, it's giving hauntingly beautiful yet bloodthirsty siren floating of the coast of Sicily, awaiting unsuspecting young sailors whom I plan to lure to their watery doom. My apologies - this post ended up a bit rambling but I think I've said everything I wanted to say. Please enjoy "Francesca" by Hozier. Video below.

"Francesca" Video

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I would like to take a moment to honor the life of Gordon White, who died this past Tuesday. Gordon played an early role in my Uranus in Taurus journey. I re-read "The Chaos Protocols"; I bonded with an old friend over being mutual listeners of his podcast, Rune Soup; and I got into the semiannual ritual of listening to his half-year astrology forecasts with Austin Coppock. Even though I started listening to Rune Soup less over the years, especially after Gordon started going down the "plandemic" road, I still looked forward to those forecasts. I'm saddened that there won't be an H2 2026 episode. At least, not one with Gordon's unique spin on things. I may have disagreed with some of his more recent views, but I enjoyed his insights on magical and occult topics. He brought so many people together and provided a space for many Seekers. I will forever hold close to my heart his guidance to "find the others." May your ancestors greet you, Gordon, as you go on to the next great adventure.

Press Pause ("Dying Star" by Ashnikko, feat. Ethel Cain)

This year has been exhausting but this last month has taken it to a new level. I've been going through the past several weeks - months - like a zombie, soul-weary and tired. I'm grateful this year is over, not because I think next year will better (on a grand scale, I don't think it will be), but because it means I've survived it. I realize not everyone can say the same. Here at the end of 2025, I'm treading water among the wreckage. I found a door to float on but the turbulence beneath the waves threatens to pull me under. One wrong move and I'm out to sea. I'm taking time off for the next couple weeks. I'm ready for a long-awaited breath of air, where my mind is not fixed on the government or everything everyone is demanding of me from day-to-day. Centered only on what matters. One breath in, one breath out. 

The ground reaches out to catch me

Softly in her baseball mitt

I'm tired of the dirt and grit

I want something soft

I'm a fish in a bucket, thrashing

He tried to take me out, hooks in my mouth

Listen to me when I say ouch

I want something soft

I had a lot of good intentions to write this year, but the clock started and I found myself leeched of creativity. And yet, there were moments....moments when the words flowed and I could hear my characters speaking to me. Or moments when an essay started to form. Maybe only snippets, but they were alive. Their pulse beating in my veins, whispering in my brain. Write it down, Jessica. It doesn't have to mean anything but, damn it, write it down. But I was gripped with this fear. Fear that my words may ruin me. May endanger my loved ones. May be misinterpreted by those who want to misinterpret. As the year pressed on, though, the real fear presented itself. No one cares. No one cares what I shout into the void. We are in a unique, blissfully nihilistic time right now. And I still care way too much. And worse, I want others to care more about me and my hopes and dreams than they do. The real fear is I'm merely another product - another transaction - and, despite my best efforts, I'm a boring one. And even if I write some totally outrageous nonsense, who cares? I am nothing and no one. The words I write are beautifully meaningless and for myself alone. And perhaps there is freedom in that.

Oh, to be an existentialist during such an era! To be reminded daily that I am both predictable and replicable is almost to much to bear. I am painfully aware I haven't written here as much as I've wanted. Every few weeks or so, I'll check my stats on this blog knowing they should be in the gutter because I haven't posted anything new in months, and yet there's a spike every few days of thousands upon thousands of views. That's it. There it is. The machines are stealing my words. And I have nothing to show for it, because bots don't click ads (unless you tell them to). A voice cultivated over 30+ years of writing (and life) experience, able to be replicated in seconds. Is this what it feels like? To slowly lose your soul? My sentences, my expressions, my clever turns of phrase sprinkled about hundreds of plagiarized articles and essays. You can imagine how demotivating this can be. More often than not, instead of writing, I've found myself doomscrolling, despite my best efforts not to be on Instagram so much. Every once in a while, I'll stumble across a reel telling me I shouldn't be on there. That I should be reading or writing or studying or doing anything more brilliant than staring at a screen. Like Brené Brown recounting what the People in Charge talk about when they think we drones aren't listening. That they are creating a class of Consumers, while they work towards being known as Philosophers. As a ruling echelon of Thinkers. And I will break out of my stupor, screaming, "No!" No. I am one of the Thinkers. Repeat after me. I am one of the Thinkers. And I have better things to do.

Needless to say, one of my New Years resolutions is deleting Instagram and Bluesky from my phone. And deleting my Facebook, which I haven't really used in a decade and am holding onto for no reason.

So I give in to the fall, fall, fall (it's cold out here)

I need somethin' soft, down feathers over rocks

I died and I land with both of my hands

In the mud, the mud

It felt like a god, how she held me

I slept on her shoulder, I gave her my all (Is there anyone?)

I bathed in her waterfalls

And continued to fall, fall (I'm entering the exosphere)

Astrology, at its core, is a meaning-making system. Like the alchemists and ancient Hellenistic philosophers who came before me, I embrace astrology as a lens through which I choose to view the world and my place in it. We cannot change the stars. We cannot change the moment that we are in. All we can control is how we navigate the cosmic storms. Not that I needed to tell you, but we are in a transitional time. A lot of big movements are happening. As noted before, Pluto is fully going into Aquarius - we're not going back to Capricorn again, we are done with that for another 250 years. We are finishing the last weeks of Neptune in Pisces and we'll be done with that for another 165 years. And Uranus in it's final retrograde through the last degrees of Taurus and we'll be done with that for another 84 years. You and I, my friend, will never see these transits again. So whatever change or turbulence they brought to your life, whatever area of your chart was transformed by those years, it's over. As such, a retrospective is in order.

Uranus is making its last pass through Taurus, which started in May 2018. Back then, in my naivete, I thought I knew what this transit would bring into my life. Boy, was I wrong! My life is completely different from how it was back then. I'm in a different part of my career - I'm at a different company, in a different state, with the triple the salary I was making 7-8 years ago. I earned like 6 Cybersecurity certifications. I bought the house I wanted for my forever home, I bought my first car, and I had a whole other child during that time. And I lived through a pandemic (which, if you're reading this, so did you). My entire mental foundation shifted, which I should've been able to predict considering Uranus was transiting by 12th House. I went through the worst depressive bout I've had during my life, which led to me completely restructuring how I approached my mental health and self-worth. I got back into my habit of reading and started a new hobby I will obsess over until my body gives out (pole dance). And more than ever, I've leaned into my spiritual beliefs. I've learned how to "say it with my chest." I'm much more open about my personal practices and beliefs than I used to be. Uranus is the planet of revolution and revelation. Indeed, that is what it has brought me. Every day, I'm realizing that the most rebellious things one can do in this world is rest, read, and create. As such, I'm actively learning to make time for those things, which isn't easy in the best conditions and is getting harder by design. If you know, you know. 

The forest reaches out to guide me

Blue fire paths of will-o-wisps

Illuminate the darkness's old tricks

I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

I asked him not to kill me politely

He drained my magic core, bottled up at the source

I washed up on a sea glass shores

I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

The changes and shifts will continue, and maybe even accelerate, as Uranus moves into my 1st House. I can see the possibilities already, in the short time the transit was in play this year. Everything could change, all aspects of my life, but mostly, it will likely change my perspective. How I move through my life, how I perceive the world. Chani probably said it best in her recommendation for Gemini and Virgo Risings - Be the Chaos you wish to see in the world. Challenge accepted. 

Burnin' like a dyin' star

Invasive weeds rooted in my heart

Set in a crooked trajectory

The journey here was hard

I was almost pulled apart

Tryna leave this orbit, took what's left of me

Ashnikko and Ethel Cain were two of my top artists this year. This song, in particular, found me at a time early in the year when I felt especially hopeless. It is a song about finding a place of rest after experiencing a period of turbulence. Specifically, it's about leaving an abusive relationship. It can translate to other situations, though - leaving a soul-sucking job, ending a one-sided friendship, just getting through a rough period in general. In the verses, Ashnikko recounts how she gave her all to a relationship, only to be drained of the essence which made her special, which filled her soul. This is one of the reasons it's hard to leave an abusive situation. It takes and takes and takes, until your sense of self worth is destroyed. And often, it feels like the only way to get it back is to get attention from the person (or situation) that took it. That's why we see these cycles and internal debates between leaving vs staying or leaving and then going back. To break the cycle, it requires a drastic refocus away from that person or situation. It requires a re-centering yourself. The shift is brutal and disorienting - it takes everything you have to pull your energy away. This is where we meet the artist on her journey. The waterfalls she bathes in are her own, she found the softness she needed in herself. Both Ashnikko and Ethel Cain have distinct vocals. Cain has this more ethereal lilt whereas Ashnikko has a more gravelly, raw quality. Together, they create this celestial, atmospheric blend, which complements the metaphors and imagery within the lyrics so well. I hope you enjoy it, I hope it brings you the same peace I feel every time I listen to it.

"Dying Star" Video

A PSA about Pluto in Aquarius ("Session" by Linkin Park)

I started writing this at the beginning of the year, inspired by a Star Trek episode that takes place in the year 2024 (a synopsis follows). In the Star Trek universe, 2024 marks a particularly momentous point in mankind's history. Now when I first started writing this blog post, I had no idea how fitting that was going to be. I only knew that it contained a lot of tense, transitional astrological energy and that was enough to mark it as an interesting point in time. The latter half of the 2020's is supposedly where all the fireworks are set to happen but 2024 in itself had a certain weird-ness about it. Pluto was in Aquarius this year, but not quite; Saturn and Neptune were conjunct by sign the whole year; Mars is in retrograde and it will retrograde back into multiple signs; and to top it off, this was the last year that Uranus was fully going to be in Taurus. 2025 marks Uranus transit into Gemini in over 80 years and (not surprisingly) it initiates the Uranus return for the United States. You may hear the term "fourth turning" a lot and our Uranus returns have previously occurred during the Civil War and World War II - two points in American history that have shaped the sort of nation we've become. (This is what we call foreshadowing....)

 

Moving onto the inspiration for this post. The episode I mentioned takes place during the "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" series and it's a 2-part episode named "Past Tense." In the episode, Captain Sisko, Bashir, and Jadzia Dax are transported back to San Francisco in the year 2024, during what has become known as a critical moment in Earth's history. The United States is in the midst of intense breakdown of socioeconomics. The lower classes - those who cannot afford housing, food, medical care, and those who are mentally ill or disabled - have been funneled into huge camps called "Sanctuary Districts." These are much like the "Hoover Towns" of the 1930s, but they're also heavily policed to keep the masses in them. This is where Bashir and Sisko end up, because the person who found them (a cop) decided that's where they belong. For reference, both Bashir and Sisko are obvious racial minorities. Jadzia, on the other hand, is found by a wealthy businessman, who proceeds to take care of her because - I don't know - she's a pretty white woman? That seems to be the most obvious reason. From her standpoint on the outside, she can fully grasp the horrors of the Sanctuary District and how morally wrong it is. Long story short, there is a riot and a hostage situation that eventually leads to the public's attitude and handling of the disadvantaged starts to change. It's arguably one of the best Star Trek episodes to date, but I would also say it's one of the most prescient. Where we are in history is not too different than where that episode predicted we would be. Now, I cannot tell you why the writers picked the year 2024 for the backdrop. What I can tell you is that science fiction writers - whether they're writing novels or TV shows - have an almost mystical ability to look at the society they are currently living in and extrapolate the most disturbing, extreme, horrific outcomes of that trajectory. Ideally, we shouldn't be trying to replicate it (I'm lookin' at you, OpenAI). The reason why Star Trek remains so popular is that it depicts the best possible outcome of our current trajectory - that we get through these difficult times and eventually become a more equitable and forward-thinking society. Although, as the episode seems to imply, we may need some wayward time travelers to help us out. 

As I've mentioned in past writings, I've been on my own little manifestation journey. But - being me - the part I've enjoyed most is falling down the rabbit hole. Quantum mechanics. Simulation Theory. Glitches in the Matrix. If 2024 has taught me anything, it is simply this - the reality I'm experiencing is not the same as the reality you're experiencing. And I wish I could understand that better, on every level - physical, psychological, philosophical, biomechanical - in any possible way. Even so, I have this gut feeling that what we want for ourselves, our families, our nation, our future....is not as different as others would have us believe. Aquarius is very much about the outside perspective. When we are in it - like deep in the thick of the situation - we can't see clearly how to get out or even how everything fits together, sometimes. I'm making choice to believe 2024 is a turning point in our history and that we'll get through it. Things will get better but that's dependent on our approach to the challenges we face. I'm taking to heart something I heard Greg and Dana Newkirk talking about on their "Haunted Objects Podcast" (I get my wisdom from some very weird places) and embracing curiosity over fear. Curiosity often leads you to knowledge whereas fear generally only leads to more fear.

After listening to an Astrology Podcast episode about music styles and Saturn transits, I've been trying to thing more deeply about how outer planet transits shape the musical landscape of longer eras. During Pluto in Capricorn, I noticed a growing popularity of modern songs being covered in styles from bygone eras, like Postmodern Jukebox or the cover of "Low" by Flo-rida that sounds like elevator music. Some of the most popular songs over the past decade were strongly influenced by past genres - I'm thinking specifically of Mark Ronson's "Uptown Funk (feat. Bruno Mars)," which sounded like it could've come straight out of the 60s. I firmly believe that during Pluto in Aquarius, we're going to see this trend reversed - old songs being revived with New Age beats, strong techno and synthesized sounds intermingled with classical instruments. Like Mozart and Beethoven if they were covered by Daft Punk or mixed by Marshmello. Some really great examples of this would be the music composed for Eve Online by Steve Jablonsky and the "The Dance of Two Wolves" from "John Wick 3: Parabellum" which I absolutely fell in love with when I saw the movie. Pluto in Aquarius in the 21st Century is the rise of the Cyberpunk Era and it could go one of two ways - bright, upbeat dance pop or a return to heavy goth darkwave. In all honesty, it'll probably be both. I've already seen the resurgence of both in popular culture and - surprise! - everyone is a little into both. Cheerleader Goth is a thing and there are dozens of us! Since "Barbie" started advertising, we're all into Bimbocore, we're all embracing our existential dread, and we're leaning into the absurdism of the moment. I love that for us!

 

Of course, being ruled by Saturn, Aquarian themes can also be quite nostalgic. Like listening to old favorites from our childhood. Of course, my formative years took place during the late 90s and early 2000s - a fantastic time for music, in my humble opinion. This particular song reminds me of a performance my older sister did outside the Landmark Cafe in our hometown. She did a  ballet-style dance en pointe but the music was Linkin Park. It hit that perfect balance of classical mixed with futurism, which I believe will be a hallmark of the next couple decades.

"Session" Video

 

Rising in Chaos ("Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift)

It's that time of year again.... I know I haven't written in a while but I couldn't miss T-Swift's birthday. I wish I could say I've been working on other things but the truth is this year has been a whirlwind and I got caught up in the swirl. Even now, I'm at home because I had over 60 hours of PTO left when I returned from Argentina and I need to burn it because it's use it or lose it. The last two years, my company did a payout but, when you hire a bunch of workaholic engineers, that gets expensive. Oh yeah...I went to Argentina over Thanksgiving. It was great - Buenos Aires definitely grows on you and I'd like to go back when we have more free time to explore.  The city has a rich history, amazing coffee, and is super walk-able, at least in the area where we stayed. 

  … So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street
Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream
"Who's afraid of little old me?"
You should be

Alright, back to Taylor. I actually didn't get into The Tortured Poets Department when it came out - as I've mentioned in the past, I prefer to discover songs when it's the "right" time for me to find them, even when it comes to my favorite artists. I go through cycles - even with My Chemical Romance and Florence Welch, I'll often hear a song once when an album comes out and then suddenly become obsessed with it years later, when it hits the perfect emotional chord and reflects exactly what I'm going through at that specific moment in my life. As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm very much feeling "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" right now. (Un)Coincidentally, I've adopted it as my vibe for 2025. And let me tell you a little bit about what we're heading into - I'm making an educated guess it is going to be even crazier next year. Surprisingly, I'm feeling really jazzed up about it. Honestly, it feels very much like the excited feeling I had during the lead up to 2020.....and we all know how that ended up. However, I don't think this is a false high. I'm going into next year with my eyes wide open. I'm aware the astrology for next year is fucking wild - but that doesn't mean it has to bad on a personal level. There's a lot of exciting things going on right now - I'll cover those in more depth in another post (that I've been tinkering with for the better part of a year). I will say this - this song is exactly the tone to strike as we head into an extended period of Mars Retrograde for the rest of the year and the first quarter of 2025.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean
"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be

A small part of the retrograde (approximately 6 degrees) will be in Leo but the vast majority of the time, Mars will be hanging out in the later degrees of Cancer. This is not Mars at its best - arguably, this is Mars at its worst, because Mars is in its Fall while in the sign of Cancer. What does that mean? Well, it's Cancer - it's moody, it holds grudges, it's passive aggressive....it's a bit unstable. When you add Mars to the mix - the planet of War, violence, anger, aggression, passion, sex, etc - things can get a little chaotic. The outlook can become quite dark and pessimistic and vengeful. And I say this as a native Mars in Cancer (at the anaretic degree!). I will be the first to admit I am not fun to be around when I'm angry. I've been told I'm downright scary, which is the overwhelming contradiction of the Cancerian nature. From far away, they look sweet, gentle, nurturing, maybe even meek....but you don't want to fuck with them. Because Cancer is a sign of extremes - they can be the nicest person you've ever met until you piss them off. Particularly when it comes to Mars in Cancer, there's a tendency towards over-reaction and often it will seem to come out of nowhere because - like their symbol, the Crab - Cancerians will come at you sideways. The approach is indirect and thus, hard to predict. Much like Scorpio, they have a talent for patiently waiting until the opportune moment to strike and they won't hold back. And of course, it's Cancer - if you come for their family, you're fucked. We saw this earlier in the year, during the rap battle between Mars in Cancer native, Kendrick Lamar, and Drake. 

 … Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke
Then we could all just laugh until I cry

As I've mentioned previously, Taylor Swift has some strong placements in Cancer, most notably her Moon, but also Jupiter (which is exalted in Cancer) and Chiron. Swift has cultivated this whole persona of being kind to her fans, effortlessly poetic in her art, and dreamily soft and sweet in her aesthetic -  but in order to survive in the music business, she's become notably ruthless within the industry. She is one of the most litigious artists when it comes to copyright (example: famously trying to copyright the phrase "this sick beat"), she made history by earning back the rights to her repertoire by simply re-recording the songs she released under her previous record label (and made even more money on those recordings), and is known for writing and releasing songs about her easily identifiable exes (which usually results in a unyielding public backlash for those unfortunate men). She is nought to be trifled with. She is an icon and possibly the most formidable female artists we will see in our lifetime. True, some of those aforementioned legal battles could be characterized as unethical. After all, Swift is a billionaire and there's an argument to be made that billionaires cannot exist without exploitation. I assure you - this isn't the post to make that argument, just something to let roll around in your head. That's the whole message of this song - the sweet girl she was when she started making music would not, could not survive the music industry. In fact, that wholesome naivete was swiftly killed the moment she got an iota of mainstream success (pun intended). If she's terrible, it's because she has to be. It's no secret that young women in the music (and film) business are often taken advantage of and exploited to the utmost. Some of those horror stories - featuring prominent artists, musicians, and actors - are just barely coming to the surface now. There's a reason why the idea of a Villain Era resonates so strongly right now - villains aren't created in a vacuum. And more often than not, the context of a villain origin story is rooted in exploitation and degradation at the hands of those with more power and influence. Can you really condemn a person if their environment gave them no other choice? Just one of the many philosophical conundrums we have awaiting for us as we start our journey through Pluto in Aquarius. 

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
So all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs
I'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
That I'll sue you if you step on my lawn
That I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong
Put narcotics into all of my songs
And that's why you're still singing along

Real talk though - this year left me exhausted. As usual, it is (at least) partially my fault. I give way too much of myself, especially to my work, expecting that I'll be rewarded (or, at bare minimum, appreciated). And I'm not going to say that hasn't worked out for me - I got a promotion and two raises this year - but at what cost? When I went to Argentina, I had to leave my work phone at home. I was literally unreachable for the week and I could focus on enjoying the experience and participate fully in my sister's wedding. When I got back, I actually felt rejuvenated....and then two days into my first week back at work, I was burnt out again. Clearly I'm doing something wrong - I'm caring too much, I'm taking on too much responsibility, I'm trying to make progress when faced with incompetent peers. I enjoy my work but I'm realizing my personal goals for this past year took a back seat to "getting the mission done." Don't get me wrong - the mission is important. It always will be. But I'm tired of living that way. I want to find a new path forward. I have no more fucks to give, and I can't renew my reserve of fucks if I'm not taking the time to generate them. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do in 2025 but my main challenge for next year is making the space for them to become reality. 

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" Official Lyric Video

Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)

Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow

I hate who I was before

I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow

Someone tell me if this is Hell

Somewhere a few years back, my line of existential questioning switched from "what am I doing with my life?" to "what do I enjoy doing with my life?" And the frustrating thing about it is I know exactly what that answer is but the bounds of time to enjoy those simple pleasures are suffocating. Is this Middle Age? Ugh, it feels gross. It doesn't feel like I've been alive this long...but I have and I'm both impressed and horrified. From my perspective, I'm a teenager stuck in a (near) 40-year-old's body, unsure of what lesson I was supposed to learn to end this Freaky Friday. I'm not grown up enough to make these decisions! Someone, get the manager! And then I realize - oh shit! - I am the manager. I girlboss'd way too hard and now I'm only seven promotions away from being the CEO of a whole company! I'm exaggerating, of course. Yes, it is only 7 promotions, but I'm at a level where it's highly unlikely I'll get promoted unless someone really fucks up (or leaves under mysterious circumstances, which happens disturbingly often). I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this ambivalence I feel could become a problem.

Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself

Kneelin' on a metal grater

Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself

Tangled in my own intestines

I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).

Baby

I'm spinnin' around the corner

It's tastin' kinda lonely

And my mind wants to control me

I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.

The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....

C-c-c-collect

My fickle insecurities

And turn them into beauty

Alchemize the dark within me (ah)

Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis. 

Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it. 

I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah

Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me

Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah

Holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels. 

"Void" Music Video

Fall is for Lovers ("Fair" by The Amazing Devil)

For a brief period this past Spring, I became obsessed with this song. It never fails to make me feel a certain way and isn't the point of all art to make you feel something? As such, on quiet nights when sleep eludes me, I find myself listening to it while I drift off. I'm sure when my Spotify Unwrapped for 2023 comes out, it will be there glinting embarrassingly close to the top of my most played songs for the year. Oh well, who cares? It has a calming effect on me. And it makes me feel somewhat hopeful, even as I find myself growing more cynical of fairytales and love stories as time passes. This song romanticizes the mundane aspects of real true love - not the love you see in the movies, but the love that echoes in quiet moments over coffee between two people who seem like they've known each other for ages. Even if the time they've shared is much shorter than that. 

It's what my heart just yearns to say

In ways that can't be said

It's what my rotting bones will sing

When the rest of me is dead

It's what's engraved upon my heart

In letters deeply worn

Today, I somehow understand the reason I was born

Today, Venus is moving into its home sign of Libra and this song, in my humble opinion, is very Venus in Libra. The lyrics are poetic and subtly dramatic in their wording, yet it's sung in such a soft, pretty way, that the intensity is rubbed smooth. The first verse, which I've featured above, almost has a Scorpio quality to it - talking about rotting bones and being carved into hearts - but instead of coming off with crazy, stalker-ish vibes, the singer is painted as devoted and endearing. A little less Joe Goldberg, a little more Gomez Addams, please. Libra, as a sign, is deeply connected with partnership. And while it's one of two signs the Goddess of Love calls home, it's the one more closely connected with romantic love whereas Taurus is more closely associated with self-love. Taurus placements are thought of as more independent, whereas Libra placements hint more at interdependence (or even codependence, in a harsher interpretation). 

She promises to fight them all when it all becomes too much

And he, he curses at the world

For leaving him behind, and he's falling out of touch

And she is stronger than he's ever been, he knows

She brushes her hand through his hair

He's got so much fucking hair

And he holds her close, just to keep the world at bay

And when they're sure no one can hear them

She'll turn to him to say, she'll turn to him and say

Libra also rules over the aesthetic, intellectual qualities of Love. As a Venus-ruled Earth sign, Taurus is grounded in the physical aspects - luxurious settings, decadent meals, and, of course, sex and sensuality. By contrast, Libra, as an Air sign, is often in the realm of the mind. As such, it embodies Love as an idea and it is commonly associated with the arts and the artistic aspects of romance and beauty. Love songs, poetry, dancing (especially ballet), opera, plays, paintings and novels depicting great romances, and romantic films all fall in the domain of Libra. Libra is also considered the sign of balance and harmony. It's fitting that this song's title is "Fair" - it's a word with dual meaning. It could mean that something is just and impartial, or it can mean someone/something is beautiful. Both meanings fall squarely in Libra's wheelhouse. And in this song, the lyrics declare that it's "not fair" to love someone so much. The question is: fair to who? It's not clear, as it seems both sides love each other very much. Maybe it's not fair to the rest of the world? Or maybe it's just something sweet they say to each other when they're overcome with emotion. The lyrics read much like a private conversation of moments in a loving relationship.

"I've seen enough, " he says, "I know exactly what I want

And it's this life that we've created

Inundated with the fated thought of you

And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all

Like petals in a storm

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? Beyond that they're sung beautifully (we'll get to that in a minute), they beautify some of the mundane moments in a relationship and give them a sort of mythic quality, as happens with memories. We start at what I imagine is the beginning of their relationship, when they're in the talking stage. And the guy is trying to make her laugh, because he enjoys making her happy. And that's one of the clearest signs a man has feelings for you - when he just wants to make you laugh when you're feeling down. My husband has said as much - it's important for him that I laugh at his jokes, even the lame ones. I don't always but if he can at least make me smile, he's broken through my icy façade and he's won. Then the song transitions into something more serious - he's watching her get dressed, supposedly after they've made love. It's not clear if it's the first time or the hundredth time. In fact, it's not clear if they've been together for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or a few decades. Maybe it's all of them at different points in the song.

It's also important to note that this song switches points of view throughout. Yes, it is a man singing and that's the POV for most of the song, but her thoughts and voice will peek through occasionally so we can see how she feels. We know he makes her ache (the bastard!) but we don't know if this is from laughing too much or because he makes her cry. (Probably both.) We can imagine her lamenting that he has so much fucking hair while she's trying to run her hands through it. And we know that she's the more grounded one, because she stays calm when he thinks the world is falling apart. She doesn't get tossed up in the storm. And she simply smiles at his overdramatic verses. Finally, we know she thinks he's "the cool guy" and it baffles her that she's with him. That last line in the second chorus - "'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool" - always gets me. I've always felt deeply weird and out of place. Decidedly uncool. And I remember all of my crushes on people starting the same way - gosh, I want him to think I'm cool. In fact, I remember distinctly packing to spend a week with my husband and choosing my clothes with the intent to "look cool." Did it work? Perhaps. I just feel silly now for putting so much effort into it. But I was young(er), and when you're young, things like that matter more than they should.

"It's not fair, it's not fair how much I love you"

It's not fair, 'cause you make me weep

When I'm just tryna watch The Office with my yoghurt"

And she'll say

"Oh, how, oh, how unreasonable

How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do

I'll spend my days so close to you

'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool"

The Amazing Devil is an alt-folk band created by Joey Batey and Madeleine Hyland. And if that voice sounds familiar, you must be a fan of Netflix's "The Witcher." Joey Batey plays Jaskier, Geralt's bard companion who popularizes his exploits in song. And Batey definitely has the voice (and the face) of a bard. Indeed, I will agree that Henry Cavill grimes up good, but I couldn't help but fall in love with Batey's portrayal of the fun-loving, lascivious troubadour. And while "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" was hella catchy, I think a lot of it's success was Batey's strong, clear tenor that didn't feel at all out of place in the fantasy landscape of the Continent. "Fair" is off The Amazing Devil's second album, "The Horror and the Wild." Most of the tracks on this album evoke the whimsical witchiness of the title - a key quality that drew me to their music - which is why a soft ballad like "Fair" stands out. Madeleine does not sing on the track (even though I love her voice too...quite theatrical), though I think it could be turned into a duet easily. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned it into one during live shows. 

"How unfair, how unfair, " they'll sing

As they dance across the darling rooftop wreck

He'll trip, and she'll pretend not to have seen

Burying her head into his chest

And clinging to the moment, "Where have you been?"

She'll whisper, "I've waited, oh, so long for you to come"

And as the stars above them hum and hear them

He'll turn to her and say, "That's what she said"

To quote a YouTube comment I found on one of The Amazing Devil's videos when I was researching for this post: "The Civil Wars left a gap in my life that this band is filling." And though I don't feel the same intense chemistry that existed between J.P. White and Joy Williams (which was rare and exceptional...and undoubtedly fueled the rumors that led to their breakup), I don't think it's needed. Sometimes, you just get two voices that blend well together and songwriters who have a similar aesthetic and musical inclinations. There's still magic in that.

"Fair"

"What Was I Made For?" by Billie Eilish

Hi Barbie! As you probably know, yesterday was Barbie Day - the day when the much anticipated "Barbie Movie" was officially released. I am, without a doubt, a Barbie fangirl. I love Barbie - always have, always will. Not surprisingly, we're finding that many women in my generation (the Millennial generation) feel that way. We grew up in the 90s, when Barbie's popularity was really at her peak. It was before the Monster High Dolls and Bratz and the various other bobble-headed options we have today. Between me and my sisters, we had dozens of dolls - and that's not including the dozens of Special Edition Barbies my parents have stored at their house. My plan for when my house is finished (it's currently being built) is to get a display cabinet and then liberate them from the garage. I might even take some of them out of the box! (GASP!!!) 

I used to float, now I just fall down

I used to know, but I'm not sure now

What I was made for

What was I made for?

One thing that's important about this era in Barbieland is that Mattel really grasped the importance of representation for children, especially young girls. Barbie has had a Black counterpart for Barbie (Christie) and Ken (Steven) since the 60s, a Hispanic (Theresa) counterpart since the late 80s, and has since had Barbies in all body types, nationalities, and skin tones since the 90s. I myself had a Theresa doll, whom I re-christened "Jessica" (of course!) that largely carried out my fantasy adventures. Beyond that, Barbie has been become an LGBTQIA+ icon, which include the first transgender Barbie based on Laverne Cox released last year. And if you want to see something heartwarming, there are dozens of IG reels of gay men buying their first Barbie, because playing with (feminine) dolls wasn't something that was acceptable for young boys 20+ years ago. Now, seriously, who gives a shit? Dudes, hate to break it to you but....Barbie is woke.

I have read a few books on the history and evolution of Barbie and one thing that becomes glaringly obvious is that Barbie is a feminist icon. Now, I have known many a girl who will protest, pretentiously claiming, "Oh, I never played with Barbies" to whom I'd say: Bitch, you ain't special. Such women wear this as a badge of honor, refusing to acknowledge how the influence of this 11 1/2 inch doll has fundamentally shaped their status in society for the better. Before Barbie, a woman working outside the home was rare and temporary. In fact, the only dolls girls had to play with before Barbie were baby dolls - because a little girl was expected to become a mother some day.  A woman going to college for an advanced degree was an anomaly. The mere idea of a woman being a doctor, an astronaut, or anything other than a housewife and a mother was a fantasy. After Barbie, the ambitions of whole generations of women changed. Barbie was the first female Presidential candidate, a giant leap Mattel made after Geraldine Ferraro's historic run as the first Vice Presidential nominee...and she's been running every four years ever since. When you stop to think about it, there are so many careers open to women because Barbie did it first. She put the idea out there and the women of America (and indeed, the world) ran with it and wouldn't back down. That is the power of imagination and imaginative play.

Takin' a drive, I was an ideal

Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real

Just somethin' you paid for

What was I made for?

Let's look at the astrology of Barbie Day, because it was significant from an archetypal standpoint. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Greta Gerwig - or possibly even the studios - intentionally elected this day because of the astrology. First off, this entire week has been significant in terms of major transits - Mars in Virgo was squaring Saturn in Pisces, the nodes switched onto the Aries-Libra axis, and we're ending the week with the Sun in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, Venus stationing Retrograde in Leo, and finally, the Sun moves into Leo mid-Saturday (i.e., today). For those who don't keep track of astrological transits, that is a lot for one week. And I don't know about you but, boy, I felt it! Possibly one of the craziest weeks I've had in an already crazy year.

The transits I feel most directly reflect the plot of the Barbie Movie are the nodes moving to the Aries-Libra axis, Venus Retrograde, and Sun opposite Pluto - ordered from least to most significant. The switch to the Aries-Libra axis is straightforward - Aries is the sign of Independence, Leadership, and Individuality whereas Libra is the sign of Partnership, Cooperation, and Aesthetics. Barbie is known to be pretty, kind, smart, helpful, talkative, fashionable....but perhaps just a little bit vapid. This is the quintessential, one-dimensional description of Libra. Ruled by Venus, Libras prefer to be in relationship and independence is difficult. In the movie, Barbie chooses to leave BarbieLand to discover things on her own, to pursue her own Hero's Journey - this is a very Aries-like choice. We can intellectualize the Aries-Libra axis as the Lover vs Fighter question - to succeed, we need to be a little of both. We need to be able to speak for our own needs, desires, and boundaries, while still remaining in connection with others. This isn't easy and it's a lesson we'll all be working through over the next 18 months.

Venus is stationing Retrograde in Leo today so, at the time of the Barbie premiere, Venus was completely stopped in the sky. Venus in Leo is flamboyant, dramatic, generous, excessively romantic - a bold and fiery lover. However, when Venus stations Retrograde - in any sign - we may see the shadow side of her core concerns - relationships, beauty, harmony, personal values, luxury and finances - come out. Venus Retrograde is much like Inanna's journey to the Underworld. The Goddess must turn inward and look at who she is without all the vestments that supposedly make her divine. This is not unlike what happens to Barbie in the movie (based on the trailers I've seen) - she has to find out who she is without her perfect Barbie accessories and lifestyle to define who she is. On a worldwide scale, we may be taking a deep look at how much we get back for what we give (as you may have noticed from all the labor strikes, especially the SAG-AFTRA....acting and actors are closely associated with Leo). Leo is the sign of generosity, courage, creativity, and living authentically from the heart. Over the next 40 days, we'll be put in situations that force us to take a look at if we're embodying those things in the area of our chart that Leo rules (for me as a Gemini Rising, that's going to be the 3rd House, which covers Communication, Community, Early Education, Transportation, and Siblings/Extended Family). 

Finally, it's important to note that the chart of The Barbie Movie, is a Cancer Sun, with the Sun opposite Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn. Cancer is known to be a softer, more feminine sign - womanly arts and values, like motherhood, creative hobbies, and protection, all find a comfortable outlet in this sign. Additionally, Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, has a Cancer heavy chart and she's a Cancer Rising, which means the Moon is her chart ruler. The Moon, even more than Venus, represents the Feminine aspect, and - like me - Robbie's Moon is in Scorpio, which is basically the Moon's least favorite place. In this opposition, Pluto is strengthened because 1) it's in Capricorn, a sign where it flourishes and 2) it's Retrograde, which tends to increase the potency of any planet's influence. Archetypically, with the planets on the Cancer-Capricorn axis, we can see an underlying struggle between comfort and ambition, home and work, emotional security and financial security. Cancer wants to go towards they feel emotionally safe, towards authentic connection, whereas Capricorn can tend to put those things aside as long as the image they portray is perfect. The plot of the movie is basically Barbie having an Existentialist Crisis. She is living the "perfect dream life" but she doesn't know why she exists, who she is, or even if that's who she wants to be. She experiences a Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS), which doesn't necessarily always look all dark and serious a la Oppenheimer. In fact, "Oppenheimer" is a good foil for "Barbie" because it shows a different side of what is essentially the same experience. Sometimes, a DNOTS is grappling with the great questions of who we are and questioning the value of what we're putting out into the world; sometimes, it's just fumbling through everyday life as if we don't know what we're doing (even if we thought we had a good idea the day before). 

When did it end? All the enjoyment

I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend

It's not what he's made for

What was I made for?

You may have noticed it but we're in the throes of a great philosophical battle between Existentialism and Nihilism. Nihilism is the philosophy that there is no meaning in the world and nothing one does matters (the underlying message being....so just do whatever you want); whereas Existentialism argues that we need to create the meaning for ourselves. Nihilism fuels excess consumption and meaningless relationships with both people, inanimate objects, and nature. Even with The Barbie Movie, I have never seen a film more beneficial for pop culture materialism, with Barbie collaborations happening for everything ranging from food and clothing to interior decor and vacations. However, I've also seen an outpouring of independent creation from her fans and a renewed interest in uplifting Barbie to a role she has always held - a symbol of the people.....a role model for the younger generation.....and as an egalitarian icon.

Due to the amazing marketing that resulted from both the movies opening on the same day, one cannot speak on "The Barbie Movie" without mentioning "Oppenheimer." For the record, I want to see both and I love that people have turned this into an opportunity for a double feature (a pastime the public rarely engages in anymore due to the increasing costs of going to the cinema). "Oppenheimer' deals with an entirely different kind of existentialist crisis - Man versus the destructive nature of his Creation. It's a theme you may most readily recognize from Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein." True story - the first nuclear explosion occurred on 16 July 1945. The ultimate symbol of destruction is a Cancer Sun. And Pluto in Cancer ruled over The Great War era (which happens to coincide with on of my favorite aesthetics, Dieselpunk). Let's not downplay it - the atomic bomb is one of the most amazing feats of engineering and physics mankind has ever achieved. But it's also, by far and away, the most destructive and ever since that July day in the New Mexico desert, the threat of Nuclear Armageddon has weighed on humanity. It brings to mind the ghosts of legacy, because the atomic bomb is a part of my family history. My grandparents worked on The Manhattan Project - my grandfather's work is what made such a creation possible. And it's a surreal experience seeing two things that shaped my childhood - Barbie and fond memories of Los Alamos - brought to the big screen. It's humbling to see the interconnections between these seemingly disparate movies and my own life.

Think I forgot how to be happy

Somethin' I'm not, but somethin' I can be

Somethin' I wait for

Somethin' I'm made for

Somethin' I'm made for

This song was written by Eilish specifically for "The Barbie Movie." Unlike a lot of the rest of the soundtrack - which is full of upbeat dance-pop, such as Dua Lipa's "Dance the Night Way" - Eilish's contribution embraces the melancholic side of the existentialist musing found throughout the film's plot. Eilish's voice has that seductive sadness that fits the theme of the movies so well. The music video for the song features Billie Eilish, who looks as young as she is, setting up Barbie's dream closet. After the first couple verses and chorus, she's assaulted by a storm...but she persists. When the storm ends, she cleans up and lays her head down, a quick moment of surrender before she runs off.

"What Was I Made For?" Official Video

A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally, today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause.  No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about more difficult things I'm going through. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video