A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally, today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause.  No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about more difficult things I'm going through. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video

"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon

This song came up in a conversation I recently had with my husband. I had my hair tied up with a claw clip after a long day of work. He said it looked nice and asked if I had intentionally left out the strands of hair around my face. The answer, of course, was yes (because otherwise, it looks too severe). He told me, "You're so vain!" To which I replied, "You probably think this song is about you..." Because we communicate in song lyrics and movie/TV quotes. We're better at song lyrics, not as successful with movie/TV quotes because we don't have a lot of overlap in our preferences. This week, the collective slipped into Leo season after an eventful transit through Cancer. Leos get a somewhat undeserved reputation for being self-involved, vain, and maybe even a little narcissistic. A holistic psychologist/astrologer whom I admire, Jason Holley, actually reads Leo energy as potentially narcissistic behavioral patterns and, depending on what else is in the natal chart, that may be accurate. Leo is the sign of self-love, self-esteem, confidence, pride, and going after our heart's desires. Excessive pride and vanity can be part of narcissistic patterns but there's also a depth of self-hatred and insecurity in narcissism. It seems like a contradiction but the main takeaway is that someone who really has self-love doesn't need external validation - they don't need Instagram likes, they don't compare themselves to others, and they can accept others being different and unique without feeling like it's an assault on their whole identity.

It got me thinking because I've been watching a lot of Dr. Ramadi videos describing narcissism and narcissistic abuse, which has helped me make a lot of sense of my childhood (ironically, my mom is a Leo), as well as more recent experiences. I've learned and re-learned so much and believe me, there is so much more I want to say than I'm able to put into a single post (which is going to be so much longer than I intended). But if my insights and mental processing helps someone who stumbles upon this post, then it's worth it.

You walked into the party

Like you were walking on to a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf, it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror

As you watched yourself Gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and

I've become especially intrigued by all the different kinds of narcissism and how the signs manifest depending on what sort of narcissist you're dealing with and in what context (spouse, parent, sibling, coworker, friend). We all can guess the signs of a grandiose narcissist, because they're usually easiest to detect. But there are so many other indicators of narcissism and manipulation we often ignore, because they seem unconnected. I'm going to pull some examples of this from true life, because this is an unfortunate situation that hits uncomfortably close to home at the moment. Narcissists seem to suck up all the air in the room and dominate the conversation. But when others are talking, they seem annoyed or distracted - and if you're saying something they don't want to hear or that they're not interested in, they will make it known by invalidating what you said (you don't know what you're talking about" or "you're wrong"), changing the subject ("I'd rather talk about something else" or "I'm not interested in this"), or (in the worst case) get angry and demeaning (they get to hurling insults and blaming you really quick when they're cornered). However, if you do any of those things when they're talking, brace yourself because narcissists become enraged quicker than you can turn your head. Communal narcissists have a tendency to get involved in big projects that are over their head and then the people who are pulled in by their initial enthusiasm end up doing all the work (fallen for this more than a few times in the past year). Or, they're the person who feels like they need to police "goodness" like being judgmental about your bad habits (criticizing when you eat junk food or smoke), calling out things as sexist, racist, or otherwise bigoted but not being aware of their own bigoted beliefs and actions (again, never point this out - it ends bad), or they give time/money generously (to charity or to friends) but then complain about it ("you're so ungrateful") or make sure everyone who benefited from their spending knows about it ("remember that time I bought everyone dinner" or "the events that I plan are always so much better than this").

For a narcissist, everyone else is incompetent and can't do anything right (because they won't do things the narcissist's way) - until the narcissist is face-to-face with someone, then they're all flattery and politeness. That's another tell-tale sign - they always seem to be on their best behavior when others are around but when you're in private, that's when the little digs come out and they start criticizing you. Narcissists are inauthentic - they portray a version of themselves to the world that is so divorced from the person they actually are, you wonder if you're dealing with two different people. This is especially true in the beginning of a relationship - they are perfect, everything you ever wanted, but then the facade starts slipping once they have you hooked and you're stuck struggling to recapture that magic of the first few weeks or months you knew them. Sorry bud - that wasn't a real person. They were just mirroring the person you told them you wanted but they can't deal with the complexities of a real human relationship. Yes, this is even true with narcissistic parents, which is why they often seem like a picture-perfect parent when their children are young but when that child begins to develop a personality and a sense of individuality, they get more irritable and their behavior towards the child becomes colder. A baby is an accessory for them to show off but a child - especially a strong-willed child - becomes another reflection of their inner feelings of inadequacy. If they can, they will mold the child in their image (creating a "Golden Child" and sometimes this results in the child taking on narcissistic patterns). However, in some cases, they'll act like the child is nothing but trouble (creating a "Scapegoat"), or they'll completely ignore the child when it isn't serving their needs (the "Invisible Child"). I'm serious - understanding these roles and patterns has helped me understand so much about the family dynamics of when I was growing up and how it shaped myself and my sisters.

Oh, you had me several years ago

When I was still quite naive

When you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved

And one of them was me

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee

Clouds in my coffee, and

Out of all of them, though, I think the most insidious is covert narcissism, because this type in particular is hard to identify, which makes it even harder to escape. They're baffling because they don't fit the pattern we typically associate with narcissism. People can spend decades in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist, suffering from manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse for years, all the while trying to convince themselves "it's not that bad" or - even worse - feeling guilty and worrying they're a bad person because they're tired of trying to making it work with someone who is always down on themselves and is impossible to please. Being in a relationship with any kind of narcissist is exhausting, but it sounds like covert narcissists are even more draining. Narcissism is marked by the extreme need for external validation and hypersensitivity, but where typical narcissism comes with extroversion and charisma, covert narcissism is accompanied by introversion and social anxiety. Instead of going on about how great they are to gain narcissistic supply, covert narcissists turn to self-pity and sob stories. They'll often use a hard childhood (because narcissism is usually inter-generational) as an excuse for their bad behavior (yet never seem to want to get therapy for it....that's weird). Unlike traditional narcissism, which uses downward comparisons (i.e., no one is better than me), covert narcissism tends toward upward comparisons (i.e., everyone is better than me). They often use self-deprecating comments ("I'm so stupid, ugly, lazy, untalented, etc.") to extract the validation and adoration they crave. For this reason, they tend to attract highly empathic people or people who have a "rescuer" mentality, who will use all their energy to elevate the narcissist's self-esteem (a losing battle - attempts at validation never last long). Covert narcissists are extremely envious people and they tend to exhibit jealousy, dislike, or even hatred for anyone they consider more attractive, more successful, more talented, or more anything they wish they had or could be (even their children). I've seen this before - when you point out another person is good at something, the covert narcissist will snap back that the person isn't as talented or they'll make some comment like, "well, I could be good at that if I had that much free time." Somehow, they'll make an otherwise innocuous observation a commentary about themselves. Covert narcissism does come with social anxiety but you'll notice that anxiety is only really bad when it's something you want to do or an event focused on you (like a work dinner or seeing your family). Either they will refuse to go, or if they do agree to go, they'll be sullen the whole time and make you feel guilty to the point that you choose to leave early, just to avoid the hassle. However, if you were to react the same way, there would be hell to pay. Narcissistic abuse is usually characterized by isolating the victim from their friends and family but it can get especially bad with a covert narcissist, because you wanting to maintain relationships apart from them triggers their insecurity even more - so you don't. You end up isolating yourself to accommodate their insecurities.

Narcissists, as a whole, are incredibly insecure. And you may think a covert narcissist has low self-esteem, until you realize they don't do things people with low self-esteem normally do, like avoid spending time and money on themselves. People with low self-worth literally don't think it's worth spending the time, money, or energy on themselves - so they don't. At my lowest point, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair or put on makeup. And actually buy myself something nice like a massage or a new outfit? Forgeddaboutit! I didn't think I deserved it. It's hard to get over this mindset - I will still wait several months before going to get a slightly expensive haircut or massage I've been thinking about (but I'm getting better). Narcissists (even covert ones), on the other hand, spend loads of time and money on themselves to maintain an idealized version of themselves. But if you bring up their habits or want to spend a little time and money on yourself, expect the worst. It's only okay when they do it and if you call them out on that hypocrisy, you're in for another fight. Because there's always another fight. And eventually, you find yourself walking on eggshells and suppressing your own needs and desires, simply because standing up for yourself (and sometimes others) is not worth the trouble anymore. Because fighting with a narcissist is frightening - it's unexpected, it's usually over something trivial, it's over-exaggerated in proportion to what happened, and it's demeaning because they have no limits. It's not that they don't have empathy, like sociopaths - they do, they just don't use it for what it's meant for. They use their understanding of how others feel as a weapon. And depending on how long you've known them and how close your relationship is, they know exactly where to poke to cause you the most pain - they know your deepest fears and insecurities, they know your weaknesses, and they know what boundaries you've left undefended. That's one of the things I had to learn this the hard way - I want to fight back, I want to think I can make someone see what they are doing and the pain they are causing, to make them understand. Trust me - they won't. This strategy only ever brought more attention from whatever narcissist I was dealing with to me - and attracting more attention from them makes you the prime target.

You're so vain

You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (you're so vain)

I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you?

Don't you?

Don't you?

There's so much more, I could probably write a book on what I understand now and how it relates to my own experiences, but mostly, I've just been using the knowledge to heal some fairly deep inner child wounds. Lately, I've been reading "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. The insights I've gotten from just reading the first few chapters have been amazing. It has explained in very concrete, scientific terms things such as: why running feels so good for me (it felt like I couldn't run away as a child); why singing makes me so happy, even when no one can hear me, even when the songs are sad (singing stimulates the polyvagal nerve, which helps regulate the body's reaction to emotions); why I don't like yelling, even if I'm the one who is doing the yelling (it triggers my "freeze" response from childhood memories of verbal abuse); why people often say I have resting bitch face (showing any emotion to narcissists is dangerous - and I've learned they really don't like RBF because it makes it hard to gain narcissistic supply from a person); and my complex relationship with food and my weight (I've discussed my struggle with an eating disorder in past posts). I haven't gotten to this part yet but Dr. van der Kolk explains more about alternative therapies for trauma around the body-mind link and how incorporating these therapies is essential for any type of psychological healing. Our physical vessel is a system - you can't heal the mind and soul without engaging the body, without understanding how our bodies react to psychological trauma and pain. Our bodies tell us very important things about our environment and, in particular, in our relationships with others. Unfortunately, it's the physical signs we often ignore, because we think we should rely on our rational/logical mind. However, "The Body Keeps Score" follows this as one of it's main themes - the mind can and will lie to you, the body doesn't. Narcissistic abuse - which I've talked a lot about today, because that's what I'm healing from - manifests in a number of physical ailments. Breathing problems, gastro-intestinal issues, muscle pains, headaches, sleeping disturbances, difficulties with concentration and memory, and just a general feeling of exhaustion develop when you've been the victim of narcissistic abuse, especially if it's a long-term relationship. It's no coincidence my first night sleeping in my dorm room at college was the best night's sleep I had ever gotten at that point in my life. Just being away from a narcissist can be a healing, in a very physical sense, after you've gotten over the pain of being discarded, ignored, or forgotten. Ironically, that healing is often what brings them back to you. Don't fall for it, don't let them reel you back in - it'll be even worse once the honeymoon period is over (and this period never lasts as long as you hope it will).

COVID update on a somewhat related note - we had a virtual farewell party for a friend who was changing jobs. The "official" party lasted an hour but a bunch of us stayed on for another hour and a half, just reminiscing, laughing, and having a good time. It was nice. And the miraculous thing was the trouble I've been having with breathing seemed to have disappeared for those few hours, which tells me two things: 1. Although the baby is pressing on my lungs and diaphragm, most of my breathing troubles are due to anxiety and 2. I really miss being around people, especially my work family. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means - I tend to score slightly higher on introversion, even though I'd technically call myself an ambivert - but being around people and bringing them together has always been a source of joy for me. The virtual party wasn't as awkward as I thought so I'm considering letting my sister plan the virtual baby shower she's been asking about for months (a work friend I brought this up to liked this idea, so I'm leaning more towards "yes"). Maybe. I know I'm running out of time.

"You're So Vain" Video

"Habits (Stay High)" by Tove Lo

Another one of my son's favorite songs. Probably shouldn't be - this song does not reflect the healthiest of lifestyles. I think he likes the "ooh" parts and, to be honest, so do I. They're fun to sing. As you can gather from the lyrics, Tove Lo wrote this after a bad breakup. She went into a downward spiral and developed some self-destructive habits. Chief among these was excessive alcohol and drug use, hence the subtitle "Stay High." However, the song lyrics and the video are more reflective of someone who turns to promiscuity to get over their past relationship. It's the whole idea that "the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else," which is some Libra bullshit if I've ever heard it. Our brains and definitely our hearts don't work like that, no matter how hard we want to believe it. In case you're wondering (because, yes, I did look it up as research), Tove Lo is a Scorpio (she has a tattoo on her shoulder to prove it....such a fucking Scorpio thing to do) and, although she does have her Mars in Libra, her Venus is in Scorpio. She ain't getting over anybody if she believes they are her soul mate, no matter how many people she fucks (but it sounds like she tried her hardest....respect). The lyrics also touch on the numbness people might feel after "shadow" losses - it's like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. You're not surprised or excited about anything, but you're not disappointed about anything either. Life is just....meh. And, strangely enough, that's even more exhausting than being on an emotional roller coaster.

The video is disorienting and it's meant to be. Most of the video's perspective is shot as a close-up of Tove Lo going about her business of partying hard and lip syncing to the song. To film, she wore the camera strapped to her waist during the entire shoot. It was draining but having to carry the weight around brought into stark focus the pain she was holding onto from the experience that inspired the song. Her reactions and emotions are very real - when she breaks down in tears, that's not acting. Keep an eye on the guy with the hand tattoos, because he's critical to my understanding of the video. I had seen this video at least a couple dozen times before something clicked in my head and I fully comprehended the message the director was trying to get across. At the time, I felt really proud of myself and also really stupid, because I should've seen it earlier.

I eat my dinner in my bathtub, then I go to sex clubs

Watchin' freaky people gettin' it on

It doesn't make me nervous if anything, I'm restless

Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies, binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money, dazed and kinda lonely

Essentially, the plot of the video is Tove Lo partying all day, every day, in order to get over the person she's singing about. It seems like she's having fun in the beginning but by the end, it's clear she's not having fun at all. I believe Hand-Tattoo Guy represents the person she's trying to get over. The viewer is made to assume that he's actually there and he's one of the friends she goes out to party with. I posit that he is a figment of her imagination - even though he's not really there, he's always there because she can't get him off her mind. If you watch really carefully, there are shots where Hand-Tattoo Guy is doing something before a cut-away and when they return to the scene, it's someone else performing that action. He's like a ghost, just fading away into the shadows. Tormenting her with his elusive omnipresence. I understand how that feels - it almost makes it feel better to pretend the person is there....until that crushing moment of lucidity when you realize they aren't. Maybe this is projection (and perhaps I'm admitting a little bit too much of my crazy), but there are moments I find myself imagining someone else is there when I'm doing stuff by myself. Mundane things - like when I'm driving in the car or cooking dinner. Or having conversations with people in my head, conversations I'll probably never have because I'm so much more witty in my imagination. Occasionally, these conversations are with people I've never met or who I know I will probably never see in this life ever again. It's a way of organizing my thoughts, in order to put them in a way others will understand, because my mind tends to move faster than my mouth sometimes. It helps to have a rant prepared and in your pocket. You know....for special occasions. These blog posts often begin as imaginary conversations and I'd like to think they read better for it.

In hindsight, Tove Lo realizes the things she did to heal from this relationship - alcohol, drugs, sex - were counterproductive. Anyone with a couple decades of life experience can tell the lyrics do not describe a healthy way to deal with a situation but we've all done it at some point. Excessive drinking, party hopping because we don't want the night to end, exercising until we drop from exhaustion, burning ourselves with lighters, hopping in taxi cabs with strangers we've only known for 2 hours - the list of self-destructive tendencies is endless and, in the end, they're never satisfying. So, the question we're faced with is this - how do we heal when we've made a promise to ourselves not to be self-destructive anymore? That's the hard part. The self-destructive shit is easy - it's the comfortable way to deal, which is why we resort to that first. But those habits are just a distraction. Eventually - when the distractions stop working and aren't fun anymore - you have to take a good, long look in the mirror and accept you can't run from your feelings. And you can't change what happened. You can only change yourself. Sometimes, this means therapy (especially when addiction is involved). It always means shadow work of some kind, followed by extensive goal-setting and promise-making. And a lot of time spent finding out who you are when you're alone. This is where the magic happens, because in this space, there's a need to channel your emotions somewhere. Often, this results in the creation of something beautiful - a painting, a song, a story, a business. Something to help transmute whatever you were feeling into something enjoyable.

"Habits (Stay High)" Video