This song has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, I went through a period where I was very into California-based indie music. I listened to a lot of Rooney, Dayplayer, and Sleater-Kinney. And a ton of Rilo Kiley. The kind of music they'd play in Miller's Outpost (when they existed) and Pacific Sunwear. That weirdo trying to Shazam the song playing in the middle of the store - yeah, that's me. I'd try to be subtle about it until I realized no one gives a shit. Rilo Kiley was a particular favorite because they had that special mix of unexpectedly dark lyrics combined with upbeat melodies and wistful vocals. They sort of lost that as they got close to their break-up. I think "More Adventurous" was the peak and then the chemistry dissipated after that. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed their last album. But it was missing something.
And I can watch TV
I can shuffle off to Buffalo
I can do a backbend
I will not call you back
Jenny Lewis grew up a child actor and, as she grew older, she got more despondent about life. I think that's common for people who were raised as trophy children - to feel like you're not much deeper than you're accomplishments. "The Frug" centers around the detachment she felt. The lyrics quietly - Look! - I can do all these things but I don't quite feel human most of the time. And sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. But I wish I did. Which is pretty sad, because you have a tendency to not realize that being detached can hurt other people. However, emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. In order not to get hurt, people withdraw or act like they don't care to save themselves from feelings of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, acting detached may actually result in the very results the person is trying to avoid. And it becomes this self-fulfilling cycle. Hence the repetitive nature of the final lyrics of the song.
And I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's real pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
This whole week, my mindset has been very "Go fuck yourself, I'm done." My thoughts have been scattered. And yes, I've felt detached and wanting to disappear. I cannot find a logical reason for it. Yes, the current situation has been frustrating but this last week of teleworking actually went by pretty quick. I was busy every day, so when I closed my laptop for the day, I didn't feel like I had wasted 8 hours. The astrological forecast is not as pleasant. The recent New Moon in Taurus fell in my 12th House - the House of Self-Undoing. And it was conjunct Uranus and square Saturn, currently in my 8th House (House of Death, Sex, and Taxes). All this could explain why I'm feeling particularly reckless. All those placements also happen to be aspecting my Mars placement, and thus exacerbating feelings of anger (among other things) and, with an opposition to Saturn, has me resentful of restrictions and rules. So if I punch somebody, I can just blame it on Uranus squaring my natal Mars. That'll hold up with the cops, right? And Pluto is about to go retrograde tomorrow, also in my 8th House. Particularly with Pluto Retrograde, themes of letting go play heavily. Because you can't transform if you're trying to hold on to something that doesn't serve you. Something that's not working. Of course, charts aren't destiny and you can spin all these placements in a more positive light. I'm just struggling with that right now.
"The Frug" was featured in a movie called "Desert Blue," which featured performances by Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci, both fairly young at the time. It was an alright movie. I probably wouldn't have watched it if I'd never heard this song. That's probably not the most glowing review but it's an honest one. It came out in 1998 - that will be obvious once you watch the music video.
In honor of Fiona Apple's newest album, "Fetch the Bolt Cutters," which was released this past Friday, I'm going to share one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple. I have several of these but this one, I think, most accurately captures the pace of my frantic mind, in both lyrics and tonal shifts. I also think it's a perfect song to embody Venus hanging out in Gemini for four fucking months (as it criss-crosses my ascendant a couple times....no biggie). As I've mentioned before, this song factored in heavily during my first quarter-life crisis. As I feel the aching desire of change yet again, it becomes even more fitting. During that first period, I chopped off all of my hair and started being a lot more social, trying on very different facets of my personality (which, at one point, became one of about seven different 'Jessicas' that came out depending on who I was with - not multiple personalities, just extremely compartmentalized out of a fear of being vulnerable and, thus, authentic). Now, there's this uncomfortable tension, where something has to shift or break or something. And it's just in my nature that, if something needs to happen, I'll make it happen, god damn it. I'll quit my job, move to a different state, drop people from my life, change my name - seriously, just give me a reason. I'd like to say that it's simply that "I'm done here," but the truth is it's more like "I'm not getting what I need here," and that makes it time to move on. Perhaps that's selfish. But it's better than being stuck in a situation that is clearly not making me happy and growing to be a bitter and hateful person who is dissatisfied with everything. Uncomproming. That's the word for it. I'm uncompromising, once I reach a point. If I've handed in my notice or walked away, it's already too late. I'm gone.
I let the beast in too soon
I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat
I fight him always and still
O darling, it's so sweet
You think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy
You won't go
But I know
And I pray that you will
In "Fast As You Can," Fiona is warning those who would get close to her that she can be a lot to handle. Maybe more than they're expecting, maybe more than they can take. This song highlights is her seething self-awareness of the ways she's fucked up past relationships. It also reveals an inability or unwillingness to change. Sometimes, it's simply because we just don't know how and we keep repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship. This can be especially difficult when there's trauma in someone's past, because they're not fully aware of their triggers. The lyrics that most strike me about the first verse are "It's so sweet/You think you know how crazy/How crazy I am." There's multiple reasons for this. First, I think she's aware that even she doesn't know how deep the abyss goes. Second, this song is from the point of view of a relationship that is just starting - the person she's singing to simply has not seen her vulnerable enough to understand the extent of it. And she knows it. She's probably been on her best behavior until now. Psychologists estimate that we don't truly know someone until between 6 months to a year of knowing them. That's generally when the rose-colored glasses come off and people start revealing who they really are. They've been filtering who they are and, a lot of times, people have been shaping themselves to fit whatever they think your "ideal partner" is, based on what you've revealed about yourself so far. After about the 18-month mark, you can be pretty secure that who you're dealing with is their true character. And hopefully you like it, because the base traits are unlikely to change in the future. Unless they are putting in some sincere hard work towards changing, through things like therapy, anger management classes, or some other extreme life event that forces them to take stock of their life. What I'm saying is - people don't change unless they have an incentive. They don't change unless they want to.
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys
Just need a little because, because
When I think back to that first identity crisis, when I was 18, I haven't changed much since then. I'm still fairly spontaneous (i.e., impulsive), my mind still moves a thousand miles a minute, I'm still awkwardly quiet in social settings where I don't know people (but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the scene). If I seem more patient and less angry, it's that I've recognized and consciously removed the triggers that would make it so explosive when the end of my patience was reached. If I seem kinder and more friendly, it's because I've chosen to embrace the belief I've always had that we are all connected and what hurts others hurts me. If I seem more curious and open-minded, it's because I've chosen to forego the fear of failure. I'm more scared of not knowing nowadays. All those things were there already. Self-awareness and self-improvement (through targeted therapy and books and classes) have simply removed the barriers to expressing what was already there. Gave me better coping mechanisms to deal with anger, fear, pain, and grief. Allowed me to embrace parts of myself others always said were shameful, disappointing, or unpleasant.
The bridge was always my favorite part of "Fast As You Can." In the video, Fiona begins wiping down the foggy window that separates her from the camera. I've interpreted this as the metaphorical unveiling you get when someone is really vulnerable with another person. There comes an unexpected softness. And you understand - she really wants to try this time if it means this new partner will stay. The "drugs" she's referring to are the release of hormones - serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin - that you get when you enjoy being around someone. She'll be tamed, if only s/he could stay forever. The bridge also has some of that vague philosophical subtext - she's tired of asking "why?" Why does she always push away the people she loves the most? Why does she keep repeating the same patterns? Nothing can bring the relief that a reason would.
Recently, I saw a tweet that declared that "we didn't deserve 'Bleeding Love' by Leona Lewis." And you know what? We really didn't. Judging by the number of comments on the video made within the last two weeks, I'm not alone in thinking this. Of course, I'm also profoundly aware of why people might be drawn to this particular song during this particular time. Many are socially isolated and may be ruminating on a relationship (either recent or long past) that failed, despite their best efforts. This song was one of the most powerful pop/R&B ballads of the early 2000s. Though Leona Lewis is not much more than a one-hit-wonder, her vocals imbued this song with a crushing level of emotional weight and depth, which is what brought it to the top of the charts during 2008 and landed it at #17 of Billboard's Top 100 for the Decade (2000-2009). The note she holds during the bridge is nothing short of a miracle, comparable only to the final lyrics in "Dreaming of You" as sung by Selena. I defy anyone listening to those songs to try to hold those notes as long - it's nigh impossible to do well unless you've had classical training. The lyrics tell of a situation in which the singer has fallen in love with someone and, in spite of what may be best for her, she can't walk away. They've created a wound that not only won't go away but that keeps being re-opened. She admits that maybe she is crazy, but is she? I can't say. Some wounds don't heal, you just learn to deal with the pain. The Wikipedia article describes the singer as being "blinded by love," but I'm not sure that's accurate. I think she's very aware of what's happening and that walking away is probably for the best. But it's just not that simple.
But something happened, for the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground, found something true
And everyone's looking round, thinking I'm going crazy
This song came out in 2007 but it didn't really hit the airwaves in the United States until 2008. However, my most notable memory of this song was from an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance?" which was a show my older sister liked to watch when I stayed with her during Summer 2009. She is a very talented dancer and - although I am much less talented and trained than she is - I love to dance and enjoy the beauty and mechanics of choreography immensely. The two dancers, Chelsie and Mark, were two of my favorites for that season. The dance itself was highly narrative, portraying a couple, where Chelsie portrayed a woman trying to convince her lover (Mark) to stay instead. It's implied by his dress that he's a workaholic or he's using work to escape from their problems. The song is abridged (it's extremely tiring to dance to entire song - dancers are true athletes) so the shortened bridge becomes the climax of the choreography. During the rest of the dance, the movements are mirrored. Sometimes, the movements are loving, but more often, they're combative. He keeps pushing her away. As the music slows, the movements become more tender and loving but in the end, he makes motion that implies he takes her heart and leaves with it. Chelsie then performs a solo dance as Mark walks away, a moment of pure abandon that encompasses the chaos and destruction one might feel inside during such a moment. In the final pose, Chelsie stands in a broken stance as Mark looks back but doesn't return. Those final moments of the song are heartbreaking and sum up the emotional impact of the song beautifully.
In the past few months, I've been drawn to learning more about embodiment therapy and, more specifically, the use of dance - such as ecstatic dance - in healing work. Embodiment therapy is a form of somatic psychotherapy that focuses on reconnecting to one's bodily sensations to enable the healing process. It's particularly helpful for people who have trauma from eating disorders, physical abuse, self-mutilation, and sexual assault. In these instances, the person has disassociated from the need of their body to avoid reliving a psychological trauma. Often, the body is becomes an object to control, not an extension of their self. As such, the person begins to disconnect from the sensations of the body. For example, I would often ignore that I was hungry or ignore when my body was exhausted during a workout. However, recognizing those sensations through embodiment is extremely important when it comes to making healthy decisions. Like recognizing you feel like crap every time you drink or that you feel sick whenever you eat gluten. I still struggle with this - especially now that my pregnancy is starting to show, there's a palpable anxiety I'm starting to feel about gaining weight. Even if it's a healthy amount of weight, even if I'm wearing the smallest size in maternity clothes, it triggers this reptilian part of my brain that says "you need to stop eating." It's exacerbated now especially by the constant message that people should be using this time in isolation as some sort of "bikini boot camp" (i.e., 'Don't let yourself get flabby during quarantine!' as spoken by some IG model who is probably getting paid to workout anyway). For someone who has had the lesson "thin = beautiful" hammered into her since she was literally a toddler, pregnancy is a minefield of inner demons needing to be faced, especially when working out doesn't have visible results.
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars, for everyone to see
However, dancing always felt good, to get the extra energy out. To get the extra anger out. To express the inexpressible. In dance classes, I struggled with loosening up and becoming less robotic - there's a point where performing the precision of a movement overpowers the 'natural-ness' and fluidity of the choreography. It's preferable to perform a movement that's less-than-perfect with an abundance of emotion than to perform a movement with technical perfection but a lifeless execution. With ecstatic dance, what matters most is that you allow your body to move with the music, as it sees fit. There are no rules, which is something I can get behind. As I've said before, dancing is my favorite way to raise energy for a magical working. I feel like it awakens and connects all the soul elements - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - the most. You can feel the energy running through your body afterwards, especially when you've chosen the perfect song to embody the spirit of the ritual you're performing.
To learn more, I've followed a lot of spiritual practitioners who use dance and embodiment as part of their spiritual practice. Karla Palomino, who is an embodiment facilitator and holistic teacher. Olivia, the Witch of Wonderlust (@thewitchofwonderlust), who is a young witch, YouTube creator, and pole fitness instructor - she often posts videos of her routines on IG. Then, of course, there's Gaby Herstik, who has used her self-isolation to take photographs of herself in lingerie ("nudes," but not really) and collage them with pictures of pretty flowers and witchy things. That's actually become a big thing lately, to take nudes of yourself just because. To build your own self-esteem, I suppose. Although the 'nudes' thing is generally part of Herstik's brand (which is very sex magick-oriented), I don't believe the intention is to share these photos with anyone. Maybe friends, but I don't think I have any friends who would be cool with me sending them random nudes. But I understand the practice and imagine it's very much like the empowerment some women feel when doing burlesque or pole dancing. It's your choice to share as much as you like. Anyway, I've gotten a bit rambling here at the end. This started out as a rant about how dance can be therapeutic and became incoherent nonsense about taking nude pictures, which sounds like a good note to end on. I've also included the clip from "So You Think You Can Dance?"
One of the things I've always been fascinated with was dream interpretation. Like Jung and Freud, I believe witnessing and understanding your dreams can be a powerful tool in psychoanalysis. Dreams are an amalgamation of everything we've amassed in our waking life, even the things we don't consciously remember consuming or making a connection with. Our unconscious mind can unearth inner struggles and desires that we're barely aware of on autopilot. A vague feeling of being unwanted. A pervasive and growing boredom with existing routines and the status quo. A desire to reach for something more, something different. A fear that we'll fail, in spite of our best intentions. The mind takes these hazy, intangible, fleeting thoughts and puts them together into a story, with color, mood, and some semblance of a plot. If you can remember them (and we'll get to that later), dreams can provide a wealth of insight into your inner world. As such, dream interpretation and journaling is often an essential part of shadow work and therapeutic writing.
I've been havin' dreams
Jumpin' on a trampoline
Flippin' in the air
I never land, just float there
As I'm looking up
Suddenly the sky erupts
Flames alight the trees
Spread to fallin' leaves
Now they're right upon me
Right now, many people are experiencing a period of enhanced dream recall. There are many reasons for this. Astrologically, Mercury is conjunct Neptune in Pisces. Mercury-Neptune aspects tend to correlate with more vivid dreams and enhanced recall within the collective, especially since Neptune is in Pisces, the sign it rules according to modern astrology. From the psychological perspective, none of us are sleeping very well. We're not reaching deep sleep, but remaining in the hypnogogic upper levels of sleep. We also have a lot on our minds. Sure, a lot of those thoughts may be on the current state of affairs, but times like these have a habit of dredging up things long forgotten. For me, personally, I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy and, for some reason, being pregnant causes some women to have very vivid, memorable dreams. So, due to the strange conglomeration of all of those factors, I have been having strange dreams indeed. I found out I was pregnant the day before Mercury went retrograde and - when I saw the test results - I was filled with this feeling of dread. Unlike with my first pregnancy - where I was filled with an unerring calm and sense of purpose - my only thought was "this isn't a good time, baby." Mind you, this was quite a bit before the shit really hit the fan with this whole COVID-19 situation and I was thinking it was bad timing for a myriad of personal reasons. However, my intuition was correct nonetheless. That night, I had a dream. I was in a large room, filled with shelves. Very similar to the scene in "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix," when they arrive in the Hall of Prophesies. I remember browsing the shelves and purposefully choosing this child I'm carrying. The interpretation I took away from this dream is that this kid is meant to be born. And, for better or worse, the experience of carrying this child through this turmoil is meant for me. So I'm just trying to take it in stride and stay positive.....because I have no other choice, at the moment.
Dream interpretation has been a hobby of mine since high school. I remember we had this book of all the possible interpretations of symbols in dreams and the various meanings. However, there's more to it than that. First, it's important to note how you feel in the dream and when you wake up. Next, consider who was in the dream. Then, take note of things that seemed off or didn't seem to match. If you dream of your significant other or another person close to you and the overall feeling isn't happy or peaceful, then your subconscious may be trying to tell you something is off about this relationship. It doesn't mean it's bad, it just means there's an underlying issue that you're not addressing. Then, take note of the landscape - deserts are usually indicative of feeling unloved or unwanted whereas forests or gardens mean the opposite. Does the setting feel familiar? If so, are there details that weren't quite right? Finally, consider the point of view - were you observing the dream from a 1st person or 3rd person perspective? Were you a character in the dream at all or were you viewing it like a movie? If you dream journal, make sure to note these details along with the general plot of the dream immediately upon waking.
Wait if I'm on fire
How am I so deep in love?
When I dream of dying
I never feel so loved
If you are somebody who would like to increase your dream recall, starting a dream journal is a must. The simple act of writing down your dreams and attempting to analyze them provides immediate feedback to your brain that it should make an effort to remember future dreams. It's a self-reinforcing action. If dream journaling isn't enough to significantly increase your recall, it's recommended you meditate on an affirmation for dream recall before falling asleep. It doesn't need to be complicated - something like "I will remember my dreams tonight" or "I always remember my dreams" is sufficient. This action is essentially self-hypnosis. The mind is extremely malleable during the hypnogogic state right when you are falling asleep. Repeating the suggestion subliminally programs your mind to perform the desired action. It might take a few days but the results tend to be impactful. And, as a bonus, meditation also leads to better quality sleep. You can also try supplements or teas containing valerian root, which has properties that promote better sleep and is correlated with a higher incidence of lucid dreams.
I hope this post was a bit more chipper and informative than recent posts. I'm starting to get my energy back and I'm slowly clambering out of this depressive fog I've felt for the past month. It may be more Song du Jours than album reviews for a few weeks while I get my bearings but I intend to get back on track with that endeavor shortly. As for today's featured song, I chose the duet with Zayn Malik because I prefer this version over the original. The song is about a confusing dream where the singer feels a deep sense of love but the imagery in her dream is frightening and destructive. Although this seems like a contradiction, it may not be. There can be beauty in destruction, depending on the circumstances. Love - real, true Love - shakes you to the core and and destroys all that is false. It frees you from all that you're encumbered by. Maybe this is totally a "7th House ruled by Sagittarius" thing but I have begun to believe that Love is Freedom. If you don't feel free - to express yourself, to be an authentic soul, to make your own choices, to pursue happiness - it isn't Love. It may be attachment, it may even be addiction, but it isn't Love. I'll step off my soapbox now. Suffice it to say, my mind has been on overdrive lately, formulating wild theories and half-baked ideas. It's probably dangerous but we live in a dangerous world.
