"Fast As You Can" by Fiona Apple

In honor of Fiona Apple's newest album, "Fetch the Bolt Cutters," which was released this past Friday, I'm going to share one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple. I have several of these but this one, I think, most accurately captures the pace of my frantic mind, in both lyrics and tonal shifts. I also think it's a perfect song to embody Venus hanging out in Gemini for four fucking months (as it criss-crosses my ascendant a couple times....no biggie). As I've mentioned before, this song factored in heavily during my first quarter-life crisis. As I feel the aching desire of change yet again, it becomes even more fitting. During that first period, I chopped off all of my hair and started being a lot more social, trying on very different facets of my personality (which, at one point, became one of about seven different 'Jessicas' that came out depending on who I was with - not multiple personalities, just extremely compartmentalized out of a fear of being vulnerable and, thus, authentic). Now, there's this uncomfortable tension, where something has to shift or break or something. And it's just in my nature that, if something needs to happen, I'll make it happen, god damn it. I'll quit my job, move to a different state, drop people from my life, change my name - seriously, just give me a reason. I'd like to say that it's simply that "I'm done here," but the truth is it's more like "I'm not getting what I need here," and that makes it time to move on. Perhaps that's selfish. But it's better than being stuck in a situation that is clearly not making me happy and growing to be a bitter and hateful person who is dissatisfied with everything. Uncomproming. That's the word for it. I'm uncompromising, once I reach a point. If I've handed in my notice or walked away, it's already too late. I'm gone.

I let the beast in too soon

I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat

I fight him always and still

O darling, it's so sweet

You think you know how crazy

How crazy I am

You say you don't spook easy

You won't go

But I know

And I pray that you will

In "Fast As You Can," Fiona is warning those who would get close to her that she can be a lot to handle. Maybe more than they're expecting, maybe more than they can take. This song highlights is her seething self-awareness of the ways she's fucked up past relationships. It also reveals an inability or unwillingness to change. Sometimes, it's simply because we just don't know how and we keep repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship. This can be especially difficult when there's trauma in someone's past, because they're not fully aware of their triggers. The lyrics that most strike me about the first verse are "It's so sweet/You think you know how crazy/How crazy I am." There's multiple reasons for this. First, I think she's aware that even she doesn't know how deep the abyss goes. Second, this song is from the point of view of a relationship that is just starting - the person she's singing to simply has not seen her vulnerable enough to understand the extent of it. And she knows it. She's probably been on her best behavior until now. Psychologists estimate that we don't truly know someone until between 6 months to a year of knowing them. That's generally when the rose-colored glasses come off and people start revealing who they really are. They've been filtering who they are and, a lot of times, people have been shaping themselves to fit whatever they think your "ideal partner" is, based on what you've revealed about yourself so far. After about the 18-month mark, you can be pretty secure that who you're dealing with is their true character. And hopefully you like it, because the base traits are unlikely to change in the future. Unless they are putting in some sincere hard work towards changing, through things like therapy, anger management classes, or  some other extreme life event that forces them to take stock of their life. What I'm saying is - people don't change unless they have an incentive. They don't change unless they want to.

Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift

But most of the time, it does

And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift

Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was

And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift

And you give me some more of your drugs

Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift

'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys

Just need a little because, because

When I think back to that first identity crisis, when I was 18, I haven't changed much since then. I'm still fairly spontaneous (i.e., impulsive), my mind still moves a thousand miles a minute, I'm still awkwardly quiet in social settings where I don't know people (but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the scene). If I seem more patient and less angry, it's that I've recognized and consciously removed the triggers that would make it so explosive when the end of my patience was reached. If I seem kinder and more friendly, it's because I've chosen to embrace the belief I've always had that we are all connected and what hurts others hurts me. If I seem more curious and open-minded, it's because I've chosen to forego the fear of failure. I'm more scared of not knowing nowadays. All those things were there already. Self-awareness and self-improvement (through targeted therapy and books and classes) have simply removed the barriers to expressing what was already there. Gave me better coping mechanisms to deal with anger, fear, pain, and grief. Allowed me to embrace parts of myself others always said were shameful, disappointing, or unpleasant.

The bridge was always my favorite part of "Fast As You Can." In the video, Fiona begins wiping down the foggy window that separates her from the camera. I've interpreted this as the metaphorical unveiling you get when someone is really vulnerable with another person. There comes an unexpected softness. And you understand - she really wants to try this time if it means this new partner will stay. The "drugs" she's referring to are the release of hormones - serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin - that you get when you enjoy being around someone. She'll be tamed, if only s/he could stay forever. The bridge also has some of that vague philosophical subtext - she's tired of asking "why?" Why does she always push away the people she loves the most? Why does she keep repeating the same patterns? Nothing can bring the relief that a reason would.

"Fast As You Can" Video