"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

Recently, I saw a tweet that declared that "we didn't deserve 'Bleeding Love' by Leona Lewis." And you know what? We really didn't. Judging by the number of comments on the video made within the last two weeks, I'm not alone in thinking this. Of course, I'm also profoundly aware of why people might be drawn to this particular song during this particular time. Many are socially isolated and may be ruminating on a relationship (either recent or long past) that failed, despite their best efforts. This song was one of the most powerful pop/R&B ballads of the early 2000s. Though Leona Lewis is not much more than a one-hit-wonder, her vocals imbued this song with a crushing level of emotional weight and depth, which is what brought it to the top of the charts during 2008 and landed it at #17 of Billboard's Top 100 for the Decade (2000-2009). The note she holds during the bridge is nothing short of a miracle, comparable only to the final lyrics in "Dreaming of You" as sung by Selena. I defy anyone listening to those songs to try to hold those notes as long - it's nigh impossible to do well unless you've had classical training. The lyrics tell of a situation in which the singer has fallen in love with someone and, in spite of what may be best for her, she can't walk away. They've created a wound that not only won't go away but that keeps being re-opened. She admits that maybe she is crazy, but is she? I can't say. Some wounds don't heal, you just learn to deal with the pain. The Wikipedia article describes the singer as being "blinded by love," but I'm not sure that's accurate. I think she's very aware of what's happening and that walking away is probably for the best. But it's just not that simple.

But something happened, for the very first time with you

My heart melts into the ground, found something true

And everyone's looking round, thinking I'm going crazy

This song came out in 2007 but it didn't really hit the airwaves in the United States until 2008. However, my most notable memory of this song was from an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance?" which was a show my older sister liked to watch when I stayed with her during Summer 2009. She is a very talented dancer and - although I am much less talented and trained than she is - I love to dance and enjoy the beauty and mechanics of choreography immensely. The two dancers, Chelsie and Mark, were two of my favorites for that season. The dance itself was highly narrative, portraying a couple, where Chelsie portrayed a woman trying to convince her lover (Mark) to stay instead. It's implied by his dress that he's a workaholic or he's using work to escape from their problems. The song is abridged (it's extremely tiring to dance to entire song - dancers are true athletes) so the shortened bridge becomes the climax of the choreography. During the rest of the dance, the movements are mirrored. Sometimes, the movements are loving, but more often, they're combative. He keeps pushing her away. As the music slows, the movements become more tender and loving but in the end, he makes motion that implies he takes her heart and leaves with it. Chelsie then performs a solo dance as Mark walks away, a moment of pure abandon that encompasses the chaos and destruction one might feel inside during such a moment. In the final pose, Chelsie stands in a broken stance as Mark looks back but doesn't return. Those final moments of the song are heartbreaking and sum up the emotional impact of the song beautifully.

In the past few months, I've been drawn to learning more about embodiment therapy and, more specifically, the use of dance - such as ecstatic dance - in healing work. Embodiment therapy is a form of somatic psychotherapy that focuses on reconnecting to one's bodily sensations to enable the healing process. It's particularly helpful for people who have trauma from eating disorders, physical abuse, self-mutilation, and sexual assault. In these instances, the person has disassociated from the need of their body to avoid reliving a psychological trauma. Often, the body is becomes an object to control, not an extension of their self. As such, the person begins to disconnect from the sensations of the body. For example, I would often ignore that I was hungry or ignore when my body was exhausted during a workout. However, recognizing those sensations through embodiment is extremely important when it comes to making healthy decisions. Like recognizing you feel like crap every time you drink or that you feel sick whenever you eat gluten. I still struggle with this - especially now that my pregnancy is starting to show, there's a palpable anxiety I'm starting to feel about gaining weight. Even if it's a healthy amount of weight, even if I'm wearing the smallest size in maternity clothes, it triggers this reptilian part of my brain that says "you need to stop eating." It's exacerbated now especially by the constant message that people should be using this time in isolation as some sort of "bikini boot camp" (i.e., 'Don't let yourself get flabby during quarantine!' as spoken by some IG model who is probably getting paid to workout anyway). For someone who has had the lesson "thin = beautiful" hammered into her since she was literally a toddler, pregnancy is a minefield of inner demons needing to be faced, especially when working out doesn't have visible results.

And it's draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars, for everyone to see

However, dancing always felt good, to get the extra energy out. To get the extra anger out. To express the inexpressible. In dance classes, I struggled with loosening up and becoming less robotic - there's a point where performing the precision of a movement overpowers the 'natural-ness' and fluidity of the choreography. It's preferable to perform a movement that's less-than-perfect with an abundance of emotion than to perform a movement with technical perfection but a lifeless execution. With ecstatic dance, what matters most is that you allow your body to move with the music, as it sees fit. There are no rules, which is something I can get behind. As I've said before, dancing is my favorite way to raise energy for a magical working. I feel like it awakens and connects all the soul elements - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual - the most. You can feel the energy running through your body afterwards, especially when you've chosen the perfect song to embody the spirit of the ritual you're performing.

To learn more, I've followed a lot of spiritual practitioners who use dance and embodiment as part of their spiritual practice. Karla Palomino, who is an embodiment facilitator and holistic teacher. Olivia, the Witch of Wonderlust (@thewitchofwonderlust), who is a young witch, YouTube creator, and pole fitness instructor - she often posts videos of her routines on IG. Then, of course, there's Gaby Herstik, who has used her self-isolation to take photographs of herself in lingerie ("nudes," but not really) and collage them with pictures of pretty flowers and witchy things. That's actually become a big thing lately, to take nudes of yourself just because. To build your own self-esteem, I suppose. Although the 'nudes' thing is generally part of Herstik's brand (which is very sex magick-oriented), I don't believe the intention is to share these photos with anyone. Maybe friends, but I don't think I have any friends who would be cool with me sending them random nudes. But I understand the practice and imagine it's very much like the empowerment some women feel when doing burlesque or pole dancing. It's your choice to share as much as you like. Anyway, I've gotten a bit rambling here at the end. This started out as a rant about how dance can be therapeutic and became incoherent nonsense about taking nude pictures, which sounds like a good note to end on. I've also included the clip from "So You Think You Can Dance?"

"Bleeding Love" Video

"SYTYCD?": Chelsie and Mark Hip Hop Routine