Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.
Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow
I hate who I was before
I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow
Someone tell me if this is Hell
Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself
Kneelin' on a metal grater
Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself
Tangled in my own intestines
I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).
Baby
I'm spinnin' around the corner
It's tastin' kinda lonely
And my mind wants to control me
I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.
The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....
C-c-c-collect
My fickle insecurities
And turn them into beauty
Alchemize the dark within me (ah)
Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis.
Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it.
I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah
Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me
Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah
Holdin' a loaded gun, the void
Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels.
"Void" Music Video
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