This has been my top track in this dumpster fire of a week. It started with an interview for a big promotion (with a real pay increase, not just the basic bitch cost-of-living bump I was going to get) and it ended with upper management subtly telling everyone I'm getting more responsibilities than I expected. That's how they do a lot of things within my department. They send out a nondescript email on a Friday after everyone goes home. How did I do on the interview, you may ask? Well, I left it feeling like I had bombed it. I spoke later with my supervisor/hiring manager for the position and he said that - contrary to what my head was telling me - the panel was very impressed and that I did well. I still won't know until next week but I feel better about the waiting now. The thing is, with that sneaky little email yesterday, he is no longer my supervisor and giving the promotion to me would mean giving away one of his slots to a different manager. In other words, no one would question him giving the promotion to his "favorite" (take that how you will), which is what everyone has been telling me was going to happen anyway. That's been fun.
I had a conversation with my work bestie a couple weeks ago about how to make me look more impressive over this other internal candidate. At first, I was a bit offended. I need to make myself more impressive against a girl who has 6 years less practical experience than I do and still lists her student leadership positions on her resume? Who is on PTO practically every other month, yells at her team, and whose supervisor is doing half her work for her? Seriously?! But honestly, I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. If you're not someone's favorite in this place, it's hard to move up. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from that - I know for a fact that I have my own cheerleaders in upper management who have been singing my praises since I got hired. In fact, I have a feeling one of them is responsible for the additional duties it looks like I have now. Now that I feel like I've proved that their faith is well placed, at least I feel good about that. In addition to being competent at my job, I know I'm likeable and approachable. In a field that doesn't often have a lot of emotionally/socially intelligent workers, I stand out. I'm ranting. At this point, I'm just talking myself up so I don't worry so much about what the promotion decision will be. I'm trying to "manifest" into existence, if you will. Because I'm that girl.
That's my dirty little not-so-secret. I believe in manifestation and practice magic and know in my soul that amazing things can happen in ways that make absolutely no fucking sense. I know they can. I've seen it. I've been telling myself the stars are on my side (because based on my knowledge of astrology, there wouldn't have been a better time for this interview). I've seen repeating numbers constantly this week. I don't know what they mean and at this point, I don't care. Even if it's just a coincidence, I'm just going to assume it means something positive. I was reminded by something I heard recently (probably from some random manifestation coach, tbh) that faith is believing in a dream/wish/desire/goal, even when you can't logically see how it could happen. And that's where I am at the moment. I've done everything I could possibly do to earn this promotion, so it's in the Universe's hands now (well, technically, it's in my former supervisor's hands but I'm just going to trust that things will play out in my favor).
Final note on manifestation, before you write me off as just some crazy bitch: 1) you are definitely right and I'm not going to fault you for that but 2) my interest in manifestation has gotten me out of some serious issues with overthinking, especially the negative variety. It helps me feel like I'm doing something, even if the only control I have is over my own mindset. For example, I have these frightening intrusive thoughts where I imagine that terrible things are going to happen to my babies....in those moments, I just say an affirmation out loud to myself, such as "My children are safe," and it calms me down. I know that sounds super OCD - I don't care. It works. It's better than wallowing in the scary visions. And that, my friends, is why I'm a Manifestation Girlie 4 Life.
"Happy Endings" was released in early 2021, but as you can probably tell from the lyrics, Mike Shinoda wrote it during the pandemic. Like many of us, Shinoda found himself in a dark place during quarantine and turned to his creativity to climb his way out. He started doing live twitch streams for about three hours a day where he would play music or do other art forms (drawing or what have you) based on fan request. I wrote about my manifestation journey today because that's kind of what this song is about. It's about the power of delusion to keep us going even when the struggle of life is bleakest. And even I can admit that the key to "manifestation" is just aggressively delusional optimism. In the song, Shinoda raps about all the things bringing him down. It's a lot of self-criticism about the work he's doing on Twitch, like when he misspeaks or says something that might offend one person out of the millions of people who might've been watching his streams. The bitchy comments people leave on his social media. (Why do people do that? Just fucking move on.) Getting upset with himself for taking out his frustration on the wrong people, placing blame on others who don't deserve it.....
Hey....this human thing is hard. At least some people are trying to make themselves better. I think the vast majority of people are way too hard on themselves. They worry every move they make is a mistake, even when no one else can see the flaws. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself that it ain't that serious. That's main message of this song - it's not naïve to believe in happy endings. On the contrary, it denotes a certain amount of strength and tenacity.
"Happy Endings" Music Video
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