The story behind this song that I've constructed is that the lyrics are about this girl whose whole existence is predicated on being beautiful, due to being in the public eye (like a beauty queen or a moviestar). People are so obsessed with her beauty that they don't see her for who she it. She becomes very depressed and she ends up killing herself (through an eating disorder but this part of the story is open to interpretation). Or it could be about a show dog. I don't think Hanson intended for this song to be given such a dark backstory but that's the story that comes to mind when I hear this song.
Recently, I watched a clip from Taylor Swift's new Netflix documentary. She was talking about her struggles with an eating disorder and it struck me how similar her experiences were to mine. Not just in how things got out of control but how she was able to get a handle on it and how she deals with those urges now. It always begins as this continual process of not feeling good enough, not being beautiful enough, and ruminating on how you look compared to an impossible ideal. It's the type of disease where you are an active participant in reinforcing the pattern, even though it never began with you. She talked about looking at pictures of herself and how she'd fret about every curve. And how every day she was picked apart by someone for not looking beautiful and slim. Her inner critic amplified the voice of tabloids whereas mine just replayed whatever awful things my mom said in her rages, but still - the experience is the same. It happens gradually - you exercise for a little longer every day, you eat a little less. You pretend you're not tired or hungry. Unfortunately, a lot of these things are easy to hide or lie about. "I ate before I came." "I just went for a 'quick' run." You just keep going, wallowing in self-hatred (which is so easy to perpetuate). Then everyone starts praising how amazing you look, unknowingly reinforcing a vicious cycle. And just like that, you're destroying yourself to be beautiful.
Lulabelle's leaving the ball
No more reason to stay
Or people to see
But everyone here knows your name
From the light on your face
In the frame that hangs
In the hall where lovely girls go
Lulabelle goes, Lulabelle no
The path back is always the same, though, and it comes from a place of self-love. It's about understanding what being beautiful means to you (and only you) and relying less on the validation of others. Taylor talked about her self-talk and that's critical. When she finds herself worrying about her weight or analyzing another tabloid picture, she says to herself "Stop. We don't do that any more. It made use extremely unhappy so we just don't do that any more." You can see the transformation in her videos. In the old music videos, she was impossibly thin - a literal stick figure. But in her latest videos - and I noticed this most in the "Delicate" video - she looks healthier. And happier. That takes strength - real strength. To make the choice every day to love and respect yourself, in spite of what the outside world - and especially that hypercritical inner voice - is telling you.
Truth be told, I almost did forget it was Hanson Day. But for some reason, my brain started playing this song, which was an immense comfort during some of my more troubling days. I've been having a lot of memories surface in the past week. There's a reason - and I'll discuss this more tomorrow - but the theme of this Flower Moon in Scorpio is releasing the past. Letting go of things that brought us pain, which is necessary in order to greet the future with open arms.
Chose a live version to share, because Hanson is one of those rare bands that always sounds as good as the album version or better when performing live.
"Lulabelle" Video
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