"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

 ::WARNING:: There are spoilers to the end of "Community" in this post. And a lot of spoilers to other parts of the show, for explanatory purposes. I know the show ended in like 2012 but I'm sure there are plenty of people - like myself - who weren't able to finish the show until it popped up on Netflix at the beginning of quarantine. If you don't like spoilers, I recommend not reading any more. ::END::

It's been a month and I've finally fully emotionally processed the end of "Community." Yes, the Annie and Jeff story line was resolved. No, it's not the happy ending you'd expect, but it's the happy ending that seems the most realistic. It was satisfying, in a way, because the ultimate question was answered and that is - were the writer's just playing with our emotions? Was this just a fun side story for them to poke at once in a while for jokes? No, my friends, it wasn't and they weren't. It was real. And, much like life, we just have to accept that it's closure even though it doesn't fully feel like it.

The infuriating thing about Annie and Jeff's relationship is the attraction is made obvious about mid-way through Season 1. This happens in many shows and it's a common trope that often precludes the demise of a show - i.e., if the two characters get together, you kill the sexual tension that keeps the audience watching. Rarely is there a story-relevant purpose for keeping the characters apart other than this. However, as we've discussed, "Community" is all about Jeff's psychological evolution from being a self-centered loner who fears intimacy to being a (somewhat) healthy individual with a network of close friends. His choice not to pursue Annie is, ironically, the most unselfish thing he does on the show. From the beginning, Jeff's penchant of hitting on women with no consideration of the consequences is apparent. But after their kiss in the Season 1 finale, he puts Annie in a box labeled "Do Not Touch" and it's not always clear why. Yes, the age thing is an issue but it gets considerably less cringy as the show goes on. And, as we get to know Jeff, we realize that age wouldn't have been an issue for him if he didn't have genuine feelings for Annie. And we know it's not the friend thing, because he has no problem having sex with Britta and then going back to their same dynamic the rest of the time. In fact, their ability to just end their sexual relationship without either of them having lingering feelings demonstrates how little emotional connection they have. Meanwhile, a kiss with Annie - a supposedly meaningless kiss to win a debate competition - throws his inner world into chaos for the next 5 seasons (although he's good at hiding it). Ironically, his attempts to not accept and deal with his feelings is what makes the situation even harder for him, whereas Annie's ability to accept how she feels and surrender her attachment to the outcome - a common subplot for her in several episodes - is what allows her to move on.

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone

"Gravity" is featured in one of the final episodes of Season 2, when Britta and Jeff's friends-with-benefits situation is revealed to the rest of the group. To understand this, let's revisit the final episodes of Season 1 - during the chaos of a heated paintball battle, Jeff and Britta have sex. Then, during the final dance of the school year, Britta announces that she loves Jeff in front of everyone, which leads the teacher who recently dumped him to also declare her love for him. This leaves Jeff in a pretty awkward situation - caught between two women who supposedly "love" him asking for him to make a choice in front of the entire school. Jeff walks out and runs into Annie, who has decided she is not going to move away with her boyfriend after all, because she doesn't want to leave her life and friends at Greendale behind yet. This results in Jeff and Annie sharing a passionate kiss - and that's how the season finale ends. When they both return to school the next year, he tells her it didn't mean anything. Fast forward to the end of Season 2, after learning about Jeff and Britta, she asks, "What about us?" Jeff is understandably confused, which leads to a montage of tender moments between the two of them set to "Gravity." The connection is palpable but Jeff says you can do the same thing with any two characters (Abed and Pierce is the example). Since "Community" uses TV tropes to tell stories, the show does another montage - and it sort of works but is mostly ridiculous, which underscores the level of denial Jeff is in. This denial continues throughout the next few seasons and we almost believe it most of the time. In fact, Annie is the one who comes off a little bit childish and delusional at times. After some growing up and uncomfortable situations, Annie comes to the conclusion maybe she was just imagining that Jeff had romantic feelings for her and gradually begins to move on with her life.

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love

And not feel your reign

This triggers a minor mental breakdown for Jeff. In one episode towards the end of the series, he ends up in the hospital after drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his 40th birthday. To be honest the last few seasons are a lot more serious and thought-provoking, with less of the ridiculous antics that "Community" was initially known for. This was a natural evolution of character development on a show whose initial premise - a group of random strangers forming a study group at a community college - became less realistic as the characters grew older. Some had a somewhat logical path to staying in that environment - Jeff starts teaching pre-law basics after he graduates. Others had a less compelling reason to stay, triggering Jeff's fear of abandonment, even though it made sense for the others to take different paths. The final episode addresses this directly. Abed, whose schtick is breaking the fourth wall and acting as if they were in a TV show ("so meta"), explains that it was inevitable the show would fall apart. The cast takes turns imagining what the next "season" would be like, assuming they all stayed. Jeff starts to panic as Abed's wisdom takes hold and reality sets in. He runs to their favorite study room and he imagines the future he actually wants - and to his surprise, it's domestic bliss with Annie. Fantasy Annie asks him if that's what he really wants and he says "yes" but then he realizes he's not sure if it's what Annie wants. In the final scene, Annie walks in on Jeff and they talk about what they want - and what they want, though vague, makes sense. Annie wants to be a grown up and Jeff wishes he had a second chance to be young. What's clear in this scene is they both still have strong feelings for each other but Jeff accepts that - even if Annie still wanted a life with Jeff - she deserves a chance to explore other possible futures. To do that, she needs to follow through with her internship at the FBI. They share one final passionate kiss before they are joined by the rest of the ensemble. 

And that, my friends, is how Jeff Winger grew a heart. The lesson here is harsh. There is such a thing as true love - but sometimes the timing isn't right. And sometimes, indulging in the fantasy of "happily ever after" isn't the best thing for the two characters involved. And I must say I agree with Dan Harmon's (the show creator) assessment of how the final episode dealt with Annie and Jeff: "I'm comfortable with the realization that he's genuinely in love with her, but that's a separate thing from whether that's actually good for her." The age gap gets more palatable by the end of the series but that doesn't distract from the fact that these two characters are in completely different parts of their lives, a fact underscored by their last conversation alone. Ultimately, Annie goes on with her life but what happens next is open-ended. Since we haven't gotten the #andamovie yet, anything is possible. Maybe Annie and Jeff do end up together when she returns from her internship. Or maybe they both move on to healthy partnerships while maintaining their friendship. We might never know, but at least the ending we've been given allows both characters a path to happiness.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand
So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Side tangent: While I always thought I was more of an Annie, it's become increasingly clear I also have a heavy dose of Abed in my personality, too. It's not even an equal split - I'd say, if I'm really being honest with myself, I'm about 59% Abed, 41% Annie. Lately, I'll reply the affirmative to people with the following - "Cool. Cool, cool, cool." - and I'm honestly not sure if I did that before I started watching "Community" or if that's something I picked up from the show. The fact that no one has noticed makes me think I definitely spoke like that before. One of my team member's wives thought I was blonde before meeting me - seriously, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh - I thought you were blonde, based on what [her husband] told me about you." Which makes me wonder - what the hell did he tell her about me? Probably that I'm a spaz and that my four-dollar words are peppered between "like" and "totally." I talk like Cher Horowitz in "Clueless" and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Also, I may have been caught one-too-many times demonstrating the "Party All the Time" dance. Once. I've been caught once....at work....and it wasn't one of my finest moments.

Anyway, on "Community," I would say Abed is probably my favorite character. He's autistic and he filters his world through the lens of a filmmaker and he relates a lot of the situations to things he's seen in TV shows and movies in order to make sense of his world. And, although I'm not autistic, I deeply understand and appreciate the value of that perspective, because it's one I share with Abed. It's one of the reasons I love hearing about other people's experiences and I believe you can learn a lot about a person through the films, shows, books, and music they choose to consume - and more importantly, the "why" behind their choices. And although movies, TV shows, and novels are fiction, they are loosely based on real human experiences. Maybe someone hasn't had the exact same experience as portrayed in a story, but it's close enough that they can find meaning and learn something about their own lives and behaviors as a result. Or, at least, this is the goal of good storytelling and - through extension - good acting. I have always believed that acting is the Art of Being Human and, in order to be a great actor, you have to be a highly empathetic person. I think the same thing is true of being a great writer. Both actors and writers have to imagine what it's like to be other people, even if those other people are completely different from them. And if you're able to imagine how other people are thinking and feeling, you're able to show compassion on a deeper level - both for others and yourself. This is also why diverse representation is important in media - seeing how others backgrounds influence their behavior gives the reader/viewer an opportunity to emphathize and understand another's perspective. It is through processing his life through his understanding of pop culture that Abed is able to grow as an individual and develop intimate connections that might've been otherwise hindered due to being non-neurotypical. It's important to know he doesn't always get it right but in those instances where he gets it wrong, he has a support network of compassionate people who are willing to guide him in the right direction. Not everyone has that and we know that makes a world of difference when people are navigating their life.

I know this has been a long post but apparently, I'm just throwing up on a blank screen now. It may surprise you to know this isn't even a fraction of the things I've been pondering lately - but I'm saving those thoughts for my next project. This song is thoughtful and, though simple and muted, evokes a pensive response. Which is why I imagine it was chosen for this episode of "Community." To me, it really embodies the 8 of Swords energy - she feels trapped but it's entirely within her power to escape the situation....if she wanted to. Just another fun idea I had - mapping the Tarot to a playlist of songs. Even typing it sounds like fire. BTW I find "Gravity" to be an excellent karaoke song - we have the same range and similar vocal quality and style, so I can usually sing Sara Bareilles songs fairly decent. She has what we would call a "straight" singing voice, which means she doesn't have a natural vibrato when she sings. It works well for most Big Band and Broadway musical styles. A vibrato singing style tends to be more common in opera and R&B. Most pop singers don't really develop a vibrato but for those that do, it gives a unique quality to their music. I'm just rambling now so, please, enjoy the video below for "Gravity."

"Gravity" Video

"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal

I admit, this song is a little ridiculous but, given the topics I plan to write about during the rest of this month, I think some levity is in order. My husband and I have been watching "Community" for one of our shows to watch through (we usually pick one 20-30 minute show, one hour-long show, and a couple throw-aways *cough*Start Trek*cough* for when I'm feeling tired). We've been getting through it quick because we can't watch "Supernatural" when my son wants to hang out with us - he's scared of the transition music which, to be fair, is pretty loud. I'm a hardcore Jeff-and-Annie shipper and it has been painfully slow to get to this point in the show (where Jeff realizes he actually has real feelings for Annie, not the superficial attraction he's had for other women throughout the show). Although "Community" is an ensemble cast and each character generally gets similar amounts of screentime and shenanigans, Jeff has been set up from the start as sort of the "main protagonist" amidst a show designed with multiple protagonists. His character arc is the most extreme in terms of personal growth and many of the Jeff-centric episodes focus on him dealing with hidden psychological issues or the inner conflict he feels between doing what he's always done (be selfish) and being a good friend to someone else in the group. To his credit, he often chooses the latter option but in the episodes where his selfish-ness wins, it often results in hilarious, unintended consequences. For instance, in the episode where "Kiss from a Rose" is featured, he has claimed he is sick to get out of helping Annie move. While he's at the mall, enjoying his "sick" day, he runs into Dean Pelton, who blackmails Jeff into spending the day with him to prevent him from ratting Jeff out to the group.

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

You became the light on the dark side of me

Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

In "Community," Jeff has been consistently presented with a choice between two potential love interests. Britta represents Jeff's old life and what he was able to get out of it. Britta is pretty, which is what draws him in, but there's not much substance or chemistry between them. They spend a lot of time bickering or making passive-aggressive barbs at each other. She's judgmental and looks down on him for being selfish but when looked at closely, her zest for activism is a front and it's more of a persona for her than a solid system of beliefs and principles. Given the timing of Community's run, this was when "white feminism" - i.e., feminists who believe their way of feminism is the best (only) way and doesn't account for issues that predominantly affect women of color or the LGBT community - started being seen for what it was. Another way to police the choices and beliefs of women through societal pressure. In an ironic twist, in terms of behavior, Britta is probably the least feminist female character of the main ensemble. Contrast that to Annie, who is the more classically feminine (at least in wardrobe) character who prides herself on being the best student and is just a touch naive when we first meet her. It's often these competing interpretations of femininity that drives the more Annie-and-Britta-centered episodes.

Annie is our "pure of heart" character. Annie represents what Jeff was missing from the beginning - innocent enthusiasm, ambition tempered with integrity, and confidence in her intelligence and ability to make things happen. She's also imaginative, creative, resourceful, and - due to a stint in rehab - wiser than her age would suggest. Annie's not without her shortcomings, though. She can be intensely competitive, uptight about following rules, neurotic, and childish when she's upset - but she's working through those issues. Strangely enough, despite being the youngest character in the main ensemble, Annie's tendency to stand by her principles and lean into difficult but necessary life choices makes her one of the most adult characters on the show. While Britta is still struggling to uncover the root of her identity issues in Season 6 (and has been relegated to the role of comedic relief vs love interest), Annie has evolved into a heroine in her life and the lives of her friends. In short, Annie is authentically herself, something that both baffles and attracts Jeff in the beginning. As he works through his various psychological issues, her authenticity only becomes more attractive. It's also the thing that causes him to stay at arm's length - because he's afraid he's not good enough and if he fucks it up, he'll end up ruining the light inside her. That's Jeff's motivation as a character - in becoming a better person (or, at least, less selfish and cynical), he also is in the process of learning he deserves to be happy, too. We'll see what happens but if Season 6 doesn't wrap up this situation, I might throw a slipper at the TV.

I've been reading a lot about writing and building up relationship dynamics for a story I'm constructing. Essentially, the key to a good romance is avoiding taking the plunge into a love story too soon - you've got to build the attraction and tension first, so the reader makes the "ship" association before you even think about putting your characters into a romantic entanglement together. Both characters must have a good foundation on their own and the relationship must satisfy something in both their stories. Here's what I think happened with "Community" - in the first episode, the catalyst that gets the whole ensemble together is Jeff creating a fake study group so he could have a chance to convince Britta to have sex with him. But as the series went forward, it was clear there was more romantic chemistry between Jeff and Annie (despite the cringy age difference - canonically, by Season 5, Jeff is 40 and Annie is 23). Throughout the show, the writers keep trying to make a Jeff and Britta work as a couple but it's clear their chemistry is more brother/sister, despite them both being attractive people who - in theory - are a more logical (and age-appropriate) pair than Jeff and Annie. There is a writing fear that if you promise something in the beginning, it will be delivered by the final act. Jeff and Britta growing together was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel. During the series, it did eventually happen but it was boring, unsatisfying, and didn't really work out. That's how life is, sometimes.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain

Baby, to me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny

Won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

Let's move on to the song. I've never understood what the lyrics meant. I knew it was some trite, romantic, poetic shit but what "a kiss from a rose on the grey" actually means? No clue. Yes, my friends, I looked it up. Spoiler alert: It's a drug reference. What?! Seal - father to Heidi Klum's four kids - is writing a song about drugs?! Well, sort of. Essentially, he's comparing the subject of the song (Heidi?) to taking amphetamines when you're depressed. If you were listening during DARE time in grade school, you should be aware that different categories of drugs have different effects on the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). Depressants, like alcohol, slow it down and, among other things, make it difficult to concentrate, think, or function without a delayed reaction time. Hallucinogens have a psychotropic effect (they make you see and hear things that may not exist or may not be a reflection of reality). And stimulants, like amphetamines, speed up the SNS, resulting in symptoms such as hyper-focus, overconfidence, and racing thoughts. Stimulants result in the release of a lot of dopamine and norepinephrine, so the effects are not unlike how you feel during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship - hence, the comparison may be quite an accurate one. Taking a stimulant when you're depressed, probably feels like being on a rocket - but I also imagine the crash is equally impactful. As we've discussed, the "honeymoon" period only lasts about 6 months on average and we're less and less likely to feel this "high" feeling as time goes on. It is extremely unusual to feel it after a year and at this point in a relationship, you're probably running more on oxytocin and attachment fears. Dopamine is still released but the amount is more manageable and you can generally focus on other things, in addition to your relationship. Seal might be talking about this brief period in a relationship but - as indicated by the lyric, "the more I get of you, the stranger it feels" - it could mean he's used to being let down by relationships and that's not happening in this situation. Things just keep getting better and he's still feeling that "high" whenever he is with this person. This is usually when people freak out and sabotage themselves, which is something people with a history of depression often do. Especially if they're taking drugs. 

You may recall that "Kiss from a Rose" was released as a single from the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. True story: "Batman Forever" was the first movie I ever stood in line to see on opening day. I was a big fan of Batman when I was a kid, because my favorite animal was a bat. The nocturnal exhibit at the zoo is still my favorite - it's cool, it's dark, and there's usually no one in there. Besides that, I have reason to believe that this movie played a huge role in the creation of my Love Map, which is the template we use for relationships and other things in life. Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, psychologist and badass, is basically my aesthetic. She combined the noir archetype and style of the Femme Fatale with being the hyper-intelligent, independent woman that was en vogue for action movie love interests during the mid-90s. As a character, she showed a woman could have a thriving psychology practice, kickbox in her free time, AND wear pencil skirts on the daily. As for Val Kilmer, I would say he's my favorite Batman out of the late 20th century options (the others being Michael Keaton and George Clooney) - he definitely fits my "type" physically, especially when he's wearing (totally unnecessary) glasses and he played the "dark and brooding" version of the Batman character convincingly. There's a lot of good things about this movie which keep it from being the worst Batman movie. It leaned into its inherent campiness and, as a purely cinematic experience, it's a fun movie to watch.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah

Now that your rose is in bloom

A light hits the gloom on the grey

COVID-19 Update: I've been taking a social media break for my anxiety. I deleted most social media apps except for YouTube and Pinterest, which I don't even count as social media. It has helped immensely, especially getting away from Twitter - the COVID updates combined with the usual political outrage wheel and Spiritual Twitter drama was becoming a huge energy vacuum for me. I meant to only do the break for one week but it's been two so far and I don't hate it. I might extend it another week or two, because I honestly don't miss it. Sure, I don't know what the exact COVID numbers are for the local area anymore but I get enough information to know that the numbers are still bad, the curve isn't "flattened," and isolation is probably going to continue for at least another month, if not more. Without all that scrolling, though, I have a surprising amount of free time on my hands. I've used it to catch up on my reading. I'm reading everything - pregnancy books, psychology books, witchcraft books, and a couple fiction books, too, for good measure. I've made a goal to finish at least four of the books I've been reading in August. I've also spent a lot of time writing - outside of this blog. I do have things planned for August, but they may not be as frequent, especially since I'm trying to navigate the new Blogger interface. Expect a COVID update on most posts - I'm documenting little tidbits of modern life during this time for posterity. As I mentioned, some weirdo in the future might be interested in how I - a teleworking mother with novel-writing aspirations - chose to spend her time in isolation. Not going to lie - I spend a lot of it watching "Schitt's Creek" on Netflix.

"Kiss from a Rose" Video