"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal

I admit, this song is a little ridiculous but, given the topics I plan to write about during the rest of this month, I think some levity is in order. My husband and I have been watching "Community" for one of our shows to watch through (we usually pick one 20-30 minute show, one hour-long show, and a couple throw-aways *cough*Start Trek*cough* for when I'm feeling tired). We've been getting through it quick because we can't watch "Supernatural" when my son wants to hang out with us - he's scared of the transition music which, to be fair, is pretty loud. I'm a hardcore Jeff-and-Annie shipper and it has been painfully slow to get to this point in the show (where Jeff realizes he actually has real feelings for Annie, not the superficial attraction he's had for other women throughout the show). Although "Community" is an ensemble cast and each character generally gets similar amounts of screentime and shenanigans, Jeff has been set up from the start as sort of the "main protagonist" amidst a show designed with multiple protagonists. His character arc is the most extreme in terms of personal growth and many of the Jeff-centric episodes focus on him dealing with hidden psychological issues or the inner conflict he feels between doing what he's always done (be selfish) and being a good friend to someone else in the group. To his credit, he often chooses the latter option but in the episodes where his selfish-ness wins, it often results in hilarious, unintended consequences. For instance, in the episode where "Kiss from a Rose" is featured, he has claimed he is sick to get out of helping Annie move. While he's at the mall, enjoying his "sick" day, he runs into Dean Pelton, who blackmails Jeff into spending the day with him to prevent him from ratting Jeff out to the group.

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

You became the light on the dark side of me

Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

In "Community," Jeff has been consistently presented with a choice between two potential love interests. Britta represents Jeff's old life and what he was able to get out of it. Britta is pretty, which is what draws him in, but there's not much substance or chemistry between them. They spend a lot of time bickering or making passive-aggressive barbs at each other. She's judgmental and looks down on him for being selfish but when looked at closely, her zest for activism is a front and it's more of a persona for her than a solid system of beliefs and principles. Given the timing of Community's run, this was when "white feminism" - i.e., feminists who believe their way of feminism is the best (only) way and doesn't account for issues that predominantly affect women of color or the LGBT community - started being seen for what it was. Another way to police the choices and beliefs of women through societal pressure. In an ironic twist, in terms of behavior, Britta is probably the least feminist female character of the main ensemble. Contrast that to Annie, who is the more classically feminine (at least in wardrobe) character who prides herself on being the best student and is just a touch naive when we first meet her. It's often these competing interpretations of femininity that drives the more Annie-and-Britta-centered episodes.

Annie is our "pure of heart" character. Annie represents what Jeff was missing from the beginning - innocent enthusiasm, ambition tempered with integrity, and confidence in her intelligence and ability to make things happen. She's also imaginative, creative, resourceful, and - due to a stint in rehab - wiser than her age would suggest. Annie's not without her shortcomings, though. She can be intensely competitive, uptight about following rules, neurotic, and childish when she's upset - but she's working through those issues. Strangely enough, despite being the youngest character in the main ensemble, Annie's tendency to stand by her principles and lean into difficult but necessary life choices makes her one of the most adult characters on the show. While Britta is still struggling to uncover the root of her identity issues in Season 6 (and has been relegated to the role of comedic relief vs love interest), Annie has evolved into a heroine in her life and the lives of her friends. In short, Annie is authentically herself, something that both baffles and attracts Jeff in the beginning. As he works through his various psychological issues, her authenticity only becomes more attractive. It's also the thing that causes him to stay at arm's length - because he's afraid he's not good enough and if he fucks it up, he'll end up ruining the light inside her. That's Jeff's motivation as a character - in becoming a better person (or, at least, less selfish and cynical), he also is in the process of learning he deserves to be happy, too. We'll see what happens but if Season 6 doesn't wrap up this situation, I might throw a slipper at the TV.

I've been reading a lot about writing and building up relationship dynamics for a story I'm constructing. Essentially, the key to a good romance is avoiding taking the plunge into a love story too soon - you've got to build the attraction and tension first, so the reader makes the "ship" association before you even think about putting your characters into a romantic entanglement together. Both characters must have a good foundation on their own and the relationship must satisfy something in both their stories. Here's what I think happened with "Community" - in the first episode, the catalyst that gets the whole ensemble together is Jeff creating a fake study group so he could have a chance to convince Britta to have sex with him. But as the series went forward, it was clear there was more romantic chemistry between Jeff and Annie (despite the cringy age difference - canonically, by Season 5, Jeff is 40 and Annie is 23). Throughout the show, the writers keep trying to make a Jeff and Britta work as a couple but it's clear their chemistry is more brother/sister, despite them both being attractive people who - in theory - are a more logical (and age-appropriate) pair than Jeff and Annie. There is a writing fear that if you promise something in the beginning, it will be delivered by the final act. Jeff and Britta growing together was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel. During the series, it did eventually happen but it was boring, unsatisfying, and didn't really work out. That's how life is, sometimes.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain

Baby, to me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny

Won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

Let's move on to the song. I've never understood what the lyrics meant. I knew it was some trite, romantic, poetic shit but what "a kiss from a rose on the grey" actually means? No clue. Yes, my friends, I looked it up. Spoiler alert: It's a drug reference. What?! Seal - father to Heidi Klum's four kids - is writing a song about drugs?! Well, sort of. Essentially, he's comparing the subject of the song (Heidi?) to taking amphetamines when you're depressed. If you were listening during DARE time in grade school, you should be aware that different categories of drugs have different effects on the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). Depressants, like alcohol, slow it down and, among other things, make it difficult to concentrate, think, or function without a delayed reaction time. Hallucinogens have a psychotropic effect (they make you see and hear things that may not exist or may not be a reflection of reality). And stimulants, like amphetamines, speed up the SNS, resulting in symptoms such as hyper-focus, overconfidence, and racing thoughts. Stimulants result in the release of a lot of dopamine and norepinephrine, so the effects are not unlike how you feel during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship - hence, the comparison may be quite an accurate one. Taking a stimulant when you're depressed, probably feels like being on a rocket - but I also imagine the crash is equally impactful. As we've discussed, the "honeymoon" period only lasts about 6 months on average and we're less and less likely to feel this "high" feeling as time goes on. It is extremely unusual to feel it after a year and at this point in a relationship, you're probably running more on oxytocin and attachment fears. Dopamine is still released but the amount is more manageable and you can generally focus on other things, in addition to your relationship. Seal might be talking about this brief period in a relationship but - as indicated by the lyric, "the more I get of you, the stranger it feels" - it could mean he's used to being let down by relationships and that's not happening in this situation. Things just keep getting better and he's still feeling that "high" whenever he is with this person. This is usually when people freak out and sabotage themselves, which is something people with a history of depression often do. Especially if they're taking drugs. 

You may recall that "Kiss from a Rose" was released as a single from the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. True story: "Batman Forever" was the first movie I ever stood in line to see on opening day. I was a big fan of Batman when I was a kid, because my favorite animal was a bat. The nocturnal exhibit at the zoo is still my favorite - it's cool, it's dark, and there's usually no one in there. Besides that, I have reason to believe that this movie played a huge role in the creation of my Love Map, which is the template we use for relationships and other things in life. Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, psychologist and badass, is basically my aesthetic. She combined the noir archetype and style of the Femme Fatale with being the hyper-intelligent, independent woman that was en vogue for action movie love interests during the mid-90s. As a character, she showed a woman could have a thriving psychology practice, kickbox in her free time, AND wear pencil skirts on the daily. As for Val Kilmer, I would say he's my favorite Batman out of the late 20th century options (the others being Michael Keaton and George Clooney) - he definitely fits my "type" physically, especially when he's wearing (totally unnecessary) glasses and he played the "dark and brooding" version of the Batman character convincingly. There's a lot of good things about this movie which keep it from being the worst Batman movie. It leaned into its inherent campiness and, as a purely cinematic experience, it's a fun movie to watch.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah

Now that your rose is in bloom

A light hits the gloom on the grey

COVID-19 Update: I've been taking a social media break for my anxiety. I deleted most social media apps except for YouTube and Pinterest, which I don't even count as social media. It has helped immensely, especially getting away from Twitter - the COVID updates combined with the usual political outrage wheel and Spiritual Twitter drama was becoming a huge energy vacuum for me. I meant to only do the break for one week but it's been two so far and I don't hate it. I might extend it another week or two, because I honestly don't miss it. Sure, I don't know what the exact COVID numbers are for the local area anymore but I get enough information to know that the numbers are still bad, the curve isn't "flattened," and isolation is probably going to continue for at least another month, if not more. Without all that scrolling, though, I have a surprising amount of free time on my hands. I've used it to catch up on my reading. I'm reading everything - pregnancy books, psychology books, witchcraft books, and a couple fiction books, too, for good measure. I've made a goal to finish at least four of the books I've been reading in August. I've also spent a lot of time writing - outside of this blog. I do have things planned for August, but they may not be as frequent, especially since I'm trying to navigate the new Blogger interface. Expect a COVID update on most posts - I'm documenting little tidbits of modern life during this time for posterity. As I mentioned, some weirdo in the future might be interested in how I - a teleworking mother with novel-writing aspirations - chose to spend her time in isolation. Not going to lie - I spend a lot of it watching "Schitt's Creek" on Netflix.

"Kiss from a Rose" Video

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

I've been extra emo lately. I'm blaming Scorpio season and accepting that the Sun is activating the shit out of my natal Moon. Therefore, I'm making a conscious choice to lean in and be super "Moon in Scorpio" for - basically - the rest of my life. For example, I've decided Sabrina the Teenage Witch is my new aesthetic, so the only things I plan to wear in 2020 will be black pencil skirts and red blouses. Okay....maybe the tiniest bit of plaid but it will be very tasteful. I've also decided I'm going to delve back into my creepy side, because I've let it lie dormant for a long time. I've got a lot of dark and twisty TV shows (BTW Ellen Pompeo, aka Meredith Grey, Honored Master of being dark and twisty, is a Scorpio), movies, and books that I've re-prioritized to be at the top of my media intake. And I've been listening to the "Hot Rods & Horror Shows" playlist on Spotify, which is mostly of the emo and psychobilly persuasion. Obviously, been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance and other bands with a similar sound, and I've been playing one particular song on repeat lately that I'm in love with. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit the theme for this month because it doesn't have an official video, so maybe next month. I'm definitely feeling a push for a new beginning of sorts but that could be because 2020 is around the corner. I've been hit by another wave of inspiration for some new writing projects - in particular, a short story about a Magician and his Assistant, which I plan to start after Mercury Spookygrade.

Speaking of My Chemical Romance, they announced today that they'd be reuniting for a Reunion Tour - and my inner 17-year-old emo girl jumped for joy! If they announce an US dates, I'm definitely going to find a way to get to that (if it is at all humanly possible), mostly because it might be my only chance to see them live. It's almost like they knew I needed them right now. I know it may sound lame but MCR got me through some of the roughest years of my life. Rough enough that I'm surprised that I made it through. To be honest, I almost didn't. Lately, it feels like we're on redux. I think that's the thing I love most about MCR - because Gerard Way's lyrics reflected an inner world I was intimately familiar with. Overly dramatic, hopelessly romantic in the darkest sense, and passionate in a quiet way that others didn't understand and were overwhelmed when I revealed it. These past few days that I've been rediscovering their old albums, it only confirmed what I knew instinctively as a teenager. That they create genuinely brilliant music and that's why the entire Internet is fucking excited about an MCR reunion tour. Gerard Way is now living his best life, with his own solo music career and success as a comic book illustrator (he's the creator of "The Umbrella Academy," now a Netflix show - it's on my list), but it wasn't always like that. In high school, he was the weird, quiet kid who drew disturbing scribbles during class. He was a loner, and people he was friends with in childhood (one in particular) became popular and started to treat him like he was weird and different. That's what "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is about. It hurts for this to happen at any age, but it always seems especially devastating when you're a teenager. To find someone who you think gets you only to have them push you away. When, even though they won't say it, their actions make it clear that they don't want you in their life anymore. It hurts but, in these situations, it's best to just let them push you away.

Well, if you wanted honesty

That's all you had to say

I never want to let you down

Or have you go, it's better off this way

For all the dirty looks

The photographs your boyfriend took

Remember when you broke your foot

From jumping out the second floor?

The video concept for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is a mock trailer. The introduction is Ray Toro listing all the reasons that Gerard Way kind of sucks. This part is amazing because, among the reasons why Gerard Way is "never gonna make it," he likes Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, and croquet, and he doesn't know karate. I don't know about you but all those reasons are why he'd be at the top of my "gotta be friends with this guy" list. Although, it would be kinda awesome if he knew karate. Whatever. I stand by my statement. Moving on, the movie that the band is pretending to be in is your basic "Not Another Teen Movie"-type film - where the geek gets the girl (a trope that always makes me giddily happy to the point where I squeal). Obviously, the movie promises an epic showdown between the Weirdos (MCR, wielding croquet mallets, naturally) and the Jocks (with hockey sticks and those other sticks they use in lacrosse - I have no idea what they're called but I think we can deduce that MCR chose the better weapon). Before the bridge, they have that typical romantic scene where you know the two unlikely lovers are going to kiss. They flip this trope on its head by making it awkward, where Frank Iero actually does remove an eyelash from the girl's eye and then wipes his finger on her sleeve (gross! I don't know why but gross!) before walking away. Because boys really are stupid like that. You'll be just standing there, thinking "kiss me, loser, before I fucking go home" and they'll be like "goodnight!" You definitely aren't going to get laid if you can't read the room. And in between all the typical shenanigans, they have that stereotypical trailer text that's supposed to make it suspenseful but is really just annoying. And, because it is a music video, it does show the band actually performing but that's spliced with all the rest of the chaos that is going on, which allows it to maintain it's trailer-like quality.

What will it take to show you

That it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again

You sing the words but don't know what it means (I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look

Another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time, take a good hard look

That's the basic description of what's happening in the video. Now, I'm going to tell you why that's a perfect visualization for the story the lyrics tell. When you're a highly imaginative teenager (and I'm speaking from experience), you have a tendency to picture your own life as a movie. A movie where you're the star, of course. Unfortunately, life isn't a movie and doesn't follow your typical plot rules. The people you meet don't fit perfectly within a single archetype or trope, because humans are complicated. The timeline is always off somehow, like nothing was planned before you started shooting. The costumes are cheap and ill-fitting. It feels like you'll never reach the climax of the film, because it's just one conflict after another. You see where I'm going with this? Life is messy and incoherent, which is why films have script writers and scene editors - to cut out all the complicated, boring stuff so that we only see the parts that make sense. If a teenager (or a teen-at-heart) were to make a movie trailer of their actual life, it would be much like this video. The scenes seem related but might not even be from the same movie. The perspective keeps switching, so you're not sure who is the main character (one would assume Gerard Way but Frank Iero gets all the dynamic scenes). And what you expect to happen doesn't always happen, like awkward almost-kisses or getting punched in the face when you ace a test. And there'd be a lot of cut scenes of you reaching for your inhaler or spinning in a chair, all the shit that you hope people don't see. And the reasoning behind the individual plot points will probably be sketchy, at best. We have no idea what happened prior to the showdown in the hallway - MCR might've just decided to beat the shit out of some Chads with croquet mallets. Was it justified? Sure, but not in a "cause and effect" sort of way, more like a "fuck anybody named Chad" sort of way. Sorry Chad. I'm sure you're a good person, whoever you are.

In summation, the only thing we have control over in the movie of our life is the soundtrack, so make it a good one.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" Video

"Come Sail Away" by Styx

Staying on this theme of The Hero's Journey for this week, there is also a feminine version called The Heroine's Journey. I've been digging into this, because it is such a central narrative (and I've been gradually falling in love with writing again). It's basically the same thing, except it's more focused on self-acceptance. It's more conscious in that way, because the Heroine understands that there is something she's missing from her life from the beginning. She's probably been searching for it all her life but she usually doesn't start the journey in earnest until the reader meets her. I'm going to talk about a specific version of the Heroine's Journey, that of Lindsay Weir from "Freaks and Geeks." Unfortunately, the show only lasted a season but it was pretty brilliant and it's on Netflix if you're interested.

Lindsay Weir is the Smart Girl, but she's not sure she wants to be. That's the narrative her parents chose for her. However, that's not the only thing she is and she knows that, so as a way to rebel, she befriends a group of stoners. Mostly because the head stoner - played by James Franco - is cute. Thus begins her adventures and the show follows her and her brother, Sam, as they navigate the awkwardness of high school. Like all coming of age stories, Lindsay makes some mistakes, meets new friends that give her a new perspective, confronts conflicts with her family, has her heart broken, and breaks a heart of her own.

The heart that she breaks - Nick (played by Jason Segel) - was likely supposed to evolve into a full True Love story arc, had the show continued. Nick immediately falls for Lindsay when she starts hanging out with the stoners and he comes on a little too strong. Insanely strong, in some cases. There's a scene in one of the later episodes where Nick serenades Lindsay with a ballad. Lindsay is super embarrassed and while it is a little cringeworthy, it's also incredibly sweet and it's hard not to fall in love with Nick. That's the first time I fell in love with Jason Segel - the 2nd time was when he's singing a song from his Dracula musical in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," and the 3rd time was practically every single episode of "How I Met Your Mother." And I don't even think Jason Segel is that attractive - he's freakishly tall and has kind of an average face. But he's funny and sweet and sincere in every role that he's in, which is why he makes a good love interest in romantic comedies.

I look to the sea reflections in the waves spark my memory

Some happy some sad

I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We live happily forever so the story goes

But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold

But we'll try best that we can to carry on

I went on a little bit of a rant there, so let's bring it home. I like to think that I'm following the Heroine's Journey in my own life, especially when I run up against experiences that bring me to my knees and make me address my darker shadows. I try to ask myself, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" I hate to say that everything happens for a reason, because that's not exactly true. Sometimes bad things happen to you or you make mistakes that seemed unavoidable at the time - yes, elements might've been out of your control but it's what you make of it afterward that becomes who you are. I read somewhere (pretty sure it was "Eat, Pray, Love") that Heaven and Hell are the same place, you just take different paths to get there. On one path, you choose happiness and self-love; on the other, you choose sadness and self-hate. Either way, the choice is yours to make.

"Come Sail Away" plays at the end of the first episode of "Freaks and Geeks," at the Homecoming dance. Lindsay's punishment for the events that transpire during the first episode is that she has to man the punch bowl at the dance. At the beginning of the song, it's clear that Lindsay is annoyed that she's in this situation and even a bit embarrassed of how she got there. But when it gets to chorus, she decides to go on the dance floor and just dance. By herself, for herself, damn whoever is watching and how stupid she looks. It doesn't matter, because she's having fun. She makes the choice that, even though she's in a shitty situation because of her own actions, she's going to enjoy where she's at. If you listen to the lyrics of "Come Sail Away," I don't think there's a better song to play alongside Lindsay as she makes this fundamental choice for her story.

Side note: I love Styx because I grew up with Styx. Yes, it's great music, but I was also a nut about Greek mythology when I was a kid. The River Styx is the border that separates the Underworld from Earth. The dead must cross Styx by paying the ferryman, Charon, and it was rumored that the waters could make one invulnerable. Achilles mother, a nereid, dipped him in the lake and he was invulnerable except for his left heel, which is what she held him by when she put him in the water. Obviously, there's a lot of meaning behind that name - rebirth, difficult journeys and - most of all - crossing over. One of my favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame, has a favorite Italian word. It's attraversiamo, which means "let's cross over." I think there's a wise beauty in that choice.

"Come Sail Away" Video

Nick Serenades Lindsay